suicidal thoughts, issues with father, and disability
Okay, few things.
1. I think you should have your father come with you to one of your psychiatry appointments. It sounds like he doesn't know what your issues are, and having a professional explain it to him could help repair your relationship with him, as well as make him more willing to help you receive disability benefits.
2. Given your issues, I don't think you would have ANY trouble going on disability. Even high-functioning autistic people can get on it, and right now it sounds like you're struggling to even function. Few things to note in case you go that route:
a. If you're doing something like, say, paying rent, they'll usually increase the amount of disability money you get per month to help with the expense.
b. There's a limit to how much money you can saved up. I think the highest is $2000 at any point in time. You're expected to spend that money on living expenses like food, clothing, rent, etc.
c. When you apply for disability services, when they approve you I believe they give you the money that they would have paid you between your application date and your approval date.
3. I don't think suicide is something a coward would do. It's more an act of desperation than anything else, or it could be something that happens on impulse.
As for the blog thing, that could be a good idea, but I'd agree that immediately linking to it through your Facebook might not go well, but not because you'd come off as an attention whore or that you'd offend someone. Let's be honest here, you shouldn't worry about EITHER of those on the internet, and in the case of suicidal thoughts, you should NEVER worry that you're offending someone or being an attention whore. You're not doing that right now, you're just laying out your thoughts.
I recommend against linking it to Facebook because it sounds like there are people in your life who don't necessarily understand what you're going through (like your father and his side of the family), and you're going to want to ease them in.
Instead, I think you should start the blog under an anonymous username, or something that can't immediately be linked to your real identity, and then post it somewhere like here if you want. And whenever you feel like you'd be ready to share it with the people in your life, like your parents, just share some excerpts of it with them. Not right off the bat, though. Again, I'd strongly suggest that you let a professional like your psychiatrist explain it, they're trained to handle this sort of stuff.
That's all I have. I hope things start looking up for you.
