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NeoGAF Anonymous Confessions 2014 - Confessember Be Upon Us - Under New Management

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N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
I worry a lot about what watching porn is doing to my brain. Particularly because over the years the porn that I seek out has decended into increasingly worrysome territory.

When I first started out looking at porn, around age 13 or so, from what I remember it was pretty normal stuff. Standard, everyday sex - particularly an emphasis on "teen" porn because hey, it was as close to my age as I could get. From there I know eventually I got really into deepthroat stuff and cumplay. Still fairly vanilla as far as porn goes these days, I think.

But I think what did me in was starting to get turned on to hentai and consequently 4chan's /h/ board. I remember taking a look from time to time at /d/ - their more hardcore/bizarre hentai board and being disgusted. By this point, it's the only one I'll go to, having entirely replaced /h/. I've started going to their adult gif/webm board a lot, too, which seems to have a facination with transsexuals, sissy stuff, etc. Anyway, the point is, my fetish list is starting to really worry me. Deepthroat. BDSM (more the restraint factor, though, not the violence - that's still a turn-off, thankfully.) Public porn. Lately: ballbusting, autofellatio, pegging, sissification and trans stuff. For a few months, the first thing I kept coming back to was a "sissy hypno" webm that was a bunch of jump cuts of jailbait pictures interspersed with dicks. On the hentai side: futanari (almost exclusively), BDSM (more extreme than I'm comfortable with in real porn), amputee (I think I have a restriction of movement fetish), and yes, even loli. That said I don't _need_ this stuff to get off. Normal or lesbian porn with a beautiful girl is just as good or better. It's just what I turn to instinctually now.

Basically I'm worried that falling down this porn rabbit-hole is doing some fucked up shit to my brain, alongside maybe starting to give me bisexual urges when I'm masturbating. The weird thing is, though, this desensitization doesn't seem to bleed over into real life at all. IRL, I have no desire for any of these things: sexual feelings towards girls only - and a girl just holding my hand will give me a boner - and what I want to do most is just cuddle and spoon. But this spectre of extreme porn is always at the back of my mind. I've tried blocking websites from my router, etc, but when the time comes I always undo everything I've done and find myself back there again. How fucked up am I, really, GAF?
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Well, kinda but not super fucked up? If it worries you a lot, maybe see a sex therapist, especially if you're trying to block it and keep coming back...

then again, it doesn't seem to have much of an effect on your life in general and you still get aroused by normal girls and hot lesbians... so... yeah.
 
Rest

Rest

All these years later I still chuckle at what a fucking moron that guy is.
I have a confession: I'm only skimming most of the confessions in this thread. I used to have so much fun reading all of them, but now I'm just jaded.
 
F

Featheredkitten

Banned
Ugh you guys have to stop quoting that long ass story, ikm scrolling a hole in my phone screen.. Heks you tldr: dude cheats and messes with women. Gets his just desserts. Seems kinda proud of it. there. letks not quote it anymore
 
N

NCR Redslayer

NeoGAF's Vegeta
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
Well, kinda but not super fucked up? If it worries you a lot, maybe see a sex therapist, especially if you're trying to block it and keep coming back...

then again, it doesn't seem to have much of an effect on your life in general and you still get aroused by normal girls and hot lesbians... so... yeah.
Click to expand...
I think the guy's worrying about if hes suffering from overstimulation, which sounds like he is.
 
S

Septimus Prime

Member
I confess that I didn't read that Vore one or any of its follow ups. It's just way too long (although I got through Kid's confession, as well as the even longer "summary"). Is it worth the read? Any synopsis?
 
C

CesspoolofHatred

Member
Septimus Prime said:
I confess that I didn't read that Vore one or any of its follow ups. It's just way too long (although I got through Kid's confession, as well as the even longer "summary"). Is it worth the read? Any synopsis?
Click to expand...

The summary was way shorter than the original man, I just added in my comments at the end. :|

Also, yes, it's worth the read. Pretty much everything in the thread is worth the read, except for the ones that aren't.
 
F

Fireblend

Banned
I don't really see why people with weird or extreme fetishes should feel bad about themselves. You're not hurting anyone, you're not doing anything illegal (except the loli thing, I guess, in some jurisdictions?), and you're not forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to do. Of course if it's making you uncomfortable or you feel like it's something that's interfering with your day to day life, then by all means look for professional help, but what I mean is I don't see anything inherently wrong about it. It's just a fantasy. It doesn't make you any more likely to hurt anyone.
 
O

OnettHansen

Member
I have never known anything more fitting than listening to the dark, orchestral tones of Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds, while scrolling through NeoGAF reading about the atrocities of douchebag dad, scummy retail manager and weird mother loving guy.

it's a true experience.
 
J

JC Sera

Member
Jedeye Sniv said:
I guess it's an important life lesson not to go around saying you're going to kill yourself, no matter how depressed you are. Other people care.
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I said suicidal comments, not that they directly said they were going to kill themselves.
The last thing you do is dismiss these thoughts or feelings like this. Never say shut up in any form. Societal pressures to be silent about struggling with these problems is a fucking serious issue. Someone should be able to talk about those feelings with out having the fucking police sent to their house. Seriously fuck man. They were expressing these feelings on their personal blog, under a readmore, not an out and out forum as a call for help.
 
C

CesspoolofHatred

Member
JC Sera said:
I said suicidal comments, not that they directly said they were going to kill themselves.
The last thing you do is dismiss these thoughts or feelings like this. Never say shut up in any form. Societal pressures to be silent about struggling with these problems is a fucking serious issue. Someone should be able to talk about those feelings with out having the fucking police sent to their house. Seriously fuck man. They were expressing these feelings on their personal blog, under a readmore, not an out and out forum as a call for help.
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Yeah, I mean, it doesn't seem like dismissing suicidal comments is a good idea. That soulfucker guy sorta showed how that can go wrong.
 
N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
OK, so... I have always hated people. Really, overall we're just not very nice, open, accepting, caring, loving, peaceful or kind. Now, just to make it clear, I do not think that I should behave poorly towards people. Chances are that I might be a person myself, and if I want to be treated nice, I've got to treat others nicely. However, so far in life, I have known two nice people, and one half-decent one who tolerates me more than I deserve, so they're cool.

However, things are starting to get a little bit irritating. You may have seen The Fly II, a poor yet gory horror sequel. In it, a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the absolute most disgusting things I have ever seen, the dog arrives at its destination completely inside-out. Well, people are even uglier than that. And I'm now starting to notice it.

Honestly, you must have some idea about what I am on about. In order to hide their hideousness, people do one good thing for every five or ten bad things that they do, and, when trying to convince themselves that they are good people, they focus on that one good thing, which apparently more than makes up for their destruction of the earth's resources, the vanity of their exercising, or their humiliating of others. Often, this willful negligence to acknowledge the starving, the cold, and the wretched is caused because of their denial. Well, OUR denial.

And that's why I don't like people, really. Even those who try to be nice equate politeness to kindness, and thus contribute naught to others. It's really rather tragic, and something that could go a long way towards being stopped if people were more accepting of the feeling of guilt. Regret, sorrow, anguish... Why do we deny them on a day-to-day basis? To make us feel better about ourselves? If so, then hedonism is in our blood.

But anyway, I digress. People have started to grow in number, and this is causing even more harm to everything and everyone. I'm sure that we're all heading for a disaster, and I'm also sure that a lower population would help avert this. I know that most people would briefly humour the idea, before realising that they or someone that they care for would likely be among the depleted population, and thus put the thought to rest.

... I'm not so sure. I could not care less as to who dies. What matters is that the nature that has been strangled under the collective banner of humanity will finally have an opportunity to breathe for the first time in a few centuries, and that's something far greater than familial ties could ever be. We contribute so little, and take so much, all of the time. I think that the very Earth that houses us and birthed us would appreciate it if we grew up, upped sticks, and left for the stars. Seeing as that's not going to happen any time soon though, it'd be better if we just died out, for the sake of altruism towards nature.

Thank you for your time.
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9IhisVh.gif
 
N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
This is long, so a TLDR:
Guy is afraid that he's mentally ill/bipolar and has a horribly shitty and abusive childhood and is now going to see a therapist and is terrified about it.

Kinda debated whether or not to actually e-mail in a confession, for the most part I talked myself out of it, yet here I am. I'll try keep this concise to prevent a massive fucking wall of text.

In 11 days, on november 13th, I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist and I'm scared shitless that they're going to find something seriously wrong with me.

Heres the background. Up until I was 7 i lived a relatively normal lifetyle, then my mother tried to kill herself. I temp lived with her mum and stepdad (my grandparents) while she was in hospital. While she was in there she fell in love with a heroin addict.

Heroin addict moves in and shit hits the fan, guy is nuts starts kicking the shit out of her a lot, I cry in my room everytime. I tried once to help her and ran up to her room, i saw her fully naked lying on her back and him on top just constantly slapping the shit out of her. Blood all over the walls like they had been sacrificing sheep. She was screaming for help when she saw me, but all I could do was stand frozen. This guy was huge for a heroin addict by the way, and he looked at me with this scary fucking face and he told me to go back to my room. The next morning i somehow managed to phone my uncle, (mums brother - who owned the house we lived in), he didn't know much about what had been going on for months and when I broke down and told him he was pretty much at the house within 30 mins (he lived like 3 hours away) and started kicking shit out the guy, but my fucking mum was like "wtf" and started trying to stab her brother. He gets chased out the house and the next day my mum and this heroin and me are being registered as homeless and I spend the next 5 years living in a heroin pit, where all the people who lived by me where just as fucked as my house. If you could even call it a house. The beatings weren't contained to just my mum either, they spread to me, but I only vaguely remember parts of them because he used to beat me until I was out cold. I don't think it was as frequent as the beatings to my mum, but I don't really remember. I also got stabbed in this time by some kids in school. Sadface.

Eventually, somehow, through means I don't remember I ended up living with my grandparents. (mum's parents). They raised me until i was 18. During that time I was highly depressed and every year I got older I became more and more withdrawn into myself. I was really sad but also angry and confused. I hated my mum and her bf. But I didn't totally blame my mum, but I did aswell. All these emotions and I had no idea how to deal with them. When I got to uni, I spent years doing nothing. Literally fuck all, I did enough to pass modules, but i spent 3 years basically sitting on the internet or staring at the ceiling. Grandparents got pissed off and kicked me out. Stayed with my auntie for a bit and became reunited with my uncle, we had a quick chat, he explained a bit about my grandparents and why he didnt talk to them. To try cut this part short, apparently they were manipulative and abusers and at this point a lot of things started to make sense. I vaguely remember (before all this happened btw) seeing my mum get into an argument with one of her half sisters, her step dad basically clutched my mums arms back so that her sister could just continually punch her. The conclusion I reached after thinking and going through the 8 years with my grandparents was basically that even though they did do well by me for half of it. The other half i was used as some sort of tool between the ongoing feud between my mum and her parents. This didn't make me feel any better,

Right im getting into fucking WOT territory here so im just gonna do a cliff notes version from here on out, because I could write for days.

> reunited with mum, she offers to let me move in with her.
> Eventually i agree under the condition to her bf from back in the day was a distant memory.
> she says she hasnt seen in 7 years
> Move in, quickly realise shes lost the plot and she does stupid things and gets herself put in jail alot.
>While in jail i receive a call asking to know where she is from a vaguely familiar voice, he says shes been texting him shes going to hospital.
> find mums phone, shes texting her ex bf, confessing how much she still loves him, realise who i was talking to on the phone
> I keep this to myself, mum eventually asks whats wrong with me. Dont say anything.
> 1 year living together, shes like "okay i need to tell you, he owns half the house and hes coming back to live"
> I NOPE the fuck out of there into my own apt, with no money.

I have a good job, live on my own but the last 16 years have emotionally had its toll on me. The way Ive coped with that is basically try and be as emotionally dull as possible. Friendships and relationships never last more than 3 months because the moment i feel i start to get close to someone, i just ignore them. 2 years into living in this apartment, i ordered chinese takeaway and guess who fucking delivered it, that fucking guy. Told my dad, but I dont really rely on my dad for anything, so I listened to his bullshit (dad is pathological liar) and carried on.

Everything had been manageable up until 2014. Now I start crying a lot and Ive been having fucked up dreams. The most recent one was me when I was young (like 10 or something) getting sexually abused by my grandfather and my mum watching. This never happened irl, or at least I don't think it did. Anyway, metal health issues are something thats in my mums side of the family, turns out my mum has schizophrenia now. And for the first time on nov 13th im seeking help, but it scares me. Like the dreams and shit, im scared im gonna find out ive got some fucked up repressed memories or that im mentally ill. I basically seeked out help mainly because i believe i bipolar, but what if its deeper than that.

Fuck I don't know. I don't know what to expect.

I just don't want to lose my job and the friends and very little family I have left. This xmas I told my auntie (dads sister) who i usually spend xmas with that Im going to spend xmas alone. My anxiety is too high to feel out of place at a xmas dinner full of people I only ever see every xmas, I already suffer from panic attacks and this year everythings been getting exponentially worse. Now if someone touches my shoulder from behind, im so on edge that i nearly jump out my skin breaking everything within arms reach because it scared me.

As a side note, during what I believe are manic episodes. I become energetic, social, funny, articulate my thoughts are on point everytime and everythings amazing. I become hyped for my future and start planning and fucking im ready to take on the world because im fucking amazing. Then I lose all that, and the depressive periods are much longer than the manic ones. I want to be manic all the time lol.

Anyway fuck, WOT, sorry I guess thats the shortest I can condense this down. Thanks for sharing my problems, i think, I still feel kinda dirty sending this in its kinda like </blog>

When I was like 5/6 I showed a girl my penis on the street, she started freaking the fuck out and to stop for getting in trouble I told her it was just rubber. I also peed in my friends juice cup and told him it was beer, he liked it.

Thats more interesting, right?
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Wow, that's... that's really shitty. Damn.

I hope the shrink appointment goes well for you. I hope they can help you with stopping to avoid all your personal relationships.... your family might suck, but there are good people out there. You don't have to cut yourself off from the world. You've had a raw deal, but at least you're mostly self-sufficient now, right?

And beer does taste like piss, so I consider all beer drinkers to like the taste of piss, it's fine.
 
P

Psychotext

Member
John Kowalski said:
i like to think that i'm a nice person
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I don't think I'd be a very nice person to that person. People like that are quite easy to spot in the real world (sorry snowflake, there are plenty like you).

Edit... and then you see people like the poster above, just trying their best to survive despite everything that's been done to them.
 
C

Choomp

Banned
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
Confession: I am now fucking obsessed with Eden Sher, who plays Sue Heck on The Middle.
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I've always kind of thought she'd be good looking when not in character, I guess I was right. You could do better with 'obsessed' though. (whisper chants Saoirse Ronan begin, arise in to loud incantation!)

Yeah so, bye this thread...?
 
N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
Choomp said:
I've always kind of thought she'd be good looking when not in character, I guess I was right. You could do better with 'obsessed' though. (whisper chants Saoirse Ronan begin, arise in to loud incantation!)

Yeah so, bye this thread...?
Click to expand...

Saoirse Ronan...?

Eh, not my type.

And bye to the thread? Nyet, we got another 16 days.
 
N

Night Hunter

Banned
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
9IhisVh.gif
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Because I'm expecting a pile on from all of GAFs well adjusted citizens, I'll just say this in the hope that you might get something out of it, anon:

Seriously, hatred is so teenager. Silent contempt is for grown ups. And finding amusement in the absolute absurdity of our existence is like misanthropy master class. Because let's face it, all this shit is fucking hilarious. So just kick back and relax, enjoy the show, with a little bit of mental discipline you will get a lot of laughs out of this life.
 
L

Lord Thrappleper The 49th

Member
Sometimes I think conspiracy theories are right, but then I realize how stupid they are, and then I think what if that's what they want us to think?

Some things in life you just have to research for yourself and make your own conclusion: Here's a brief summary of mine:

Lizard people: Individual beings, yes, together, no.
Never went to the moon: No, but must be taken with a side of wishful hoping that it isn't true.
Illuminati: Yes, but not as bad as they like to think they are.
Russel Brand in the Illuminati: Maybe, depends if they like his comedy.
Pokemon real: No.
Digimon real: Yes in the future.
America doesn't exist: Stong inclination to think so.
9/11: See; America doesn't exist.
Aliens: Immigrants exist.
Racists: Genetic deformality.
 
C

Curiocity

Member
To heroin pit guy: What a fucked up nightmare. So happy you're seeing a psych, though - even if you dig up memories you didn't want to, you'll be given means to sort through and cut them loose properly. Stick with it. I wish you the very best and I hope lots of love and solid friends come your way.
 
F

Featheredkitten

Banned
Alright Confessor most recent. I am a psych student but I read a lot for my field so let me put some of your concerns to rest:

Repressed memories are bullshit, they don't exist. Like, 99% certainty that they don't and that's more certain than a lot of things psychology is certain about.

Going to a shrink is exactly what you need, just so you're not surprised, you have some baggage and things you need to work through, but nothing is wrong with you. If you have some sort of mental issues that's not an inherent flaw in who you are, that's something that happened to you and is still having an effect on you. The therapist isn't going to rush you off to the psych ward anymore than a doctor would rush you off to isolation for being ill with, say, the flu. You don't have mental ebola, you are (probably) not a danger to yourself or others. They won't judge you harshly and make you feel shitty. They are there to help, and everyone needs help sometimes, they're doctors like any other, even the mind part of you needs some healin' sometimes. It is okay to need help dealing with things, we are all human and sometimes our shitty pasts can make it hard to move forward. There is no shame in that, you can NOT help the things that happened to you as a young child, and you can NOT help that they had an effect on you as an adult. I know it can be scary, but you're going to be okay, and you'll have someone to talk to that can help. It'll be ok.
 
C

CesspoolofHatred

Member
Possibly-bipolar, listen to Featheredkitten, seriously, you're gonna be fine. Really, you're gonna be fine.

Be as open with your psychiatrist as you can, complete honesty, they'll need that to be able to properly diagnose you. You might get some pills prescribed to you, to alleviate the effects of some of the symptoms you might have like the manic-depressive episodes you go though. If you do get prescribed some pills, just try them out, if you don't like the effect they have on you, just tell your shrink, but never, NEVER come cold turkey off of anything unless your psychiatrist recommends it. I'm not bipolar myself, I'm autistic, but I've gone through enough meds as a kid to know that going cold-turkey can cause MAJOR problems.

Also, be prepared for the chance that they might not be able to diagnose you with just one meeting. It could take several sessions, and you're gonna wanna check up with your psychiatrist every now and then even when it seems like you've become stable. Therapy is not a one-and-done thing.

I believe you can get through this, just keep all the above in mind, you'll be good.
 
N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
So I'm the manager at a local wing place - so barely a step up from a fast food joint. Anyhow, I have this one employee who I turn a deaf ear to almost all the time because his complaints are usually lined with casual racism - at least, that's what I tell myself. I don't even make a point of trying to hide that I'm ignoring him, I'm actually quite obvious about it.

We have a large amount of Filipino employees who we brought in through Canada's Immigration process, most of which are now permanent residents. So when 95% of this employees complaints are about some of these workers, and a large subset of those about one specific worker, it's easy to justify it as straight up racism.

And partially, it is. But deep down, I know I shouldn't be ignoring his complaints simply because of that perception, and I should be addressing the issues he does bring forth. To be fair, if he brings me a complaint that is a legitimate health/safety concern, I do address it immediately.

But I also ignore his complaints because I also have a strong personal dislike of him. I'd probably fire him if I could - not that he doesn't give me reason to, he does, and on a regular basis, but my predecessor tried numerous times, and the Owner would always give this employee another chance. His employee file reads like a Greatest Hits of Reasons Someone Was Fired - or in this case, should have been. Without going into detail, if charges had been filed for some of his offenses, he could potentially be facing jail time... so yeah.

Tl;dr Manager ignores his employee regularly because racism, but also because of a personal dislike of the employee
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The fuck. Fucking fire him. Walk up to him and say "You are fired. Fuck off."

And the confession box is empty once again. Will check it again in a few days.

In the meantime, a confession of mine: I walk around all day playing various Batman soundtracks inside my head. The soundtrack to my life.
 
H

HGStormy

Banned
Confession: I've never seen 99% of classic movies.
Citizen Kane, The Godfather, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Rocky, Jaws, Rain Man, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and a million others that people constantly reference.
 
S

SRG01

Member
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
The fuck. Fucking fire him. Walk up to him and say "You are fired. Fuck off."

And the confession box is empty once again. Will check it again in a few days.

In the meantime, a confession of mine: I walk around all day playing various Batman soundtracks inside my head. The soundtrack to my life.
Click to expand...

100% of the Filipino immigrants I know are more deserving of their Canadian citizenships than most Canadians. I am not exaggerating this position at all.
 
P

Pau

Member
I've only really heard his Under the Red Hood score. They haven't made any Batman animated movies that have been appealing to me since then. :(
 
T

Tinfoilhatsron

Banned
tringworldso said:
Got to give credit to GAF more. The majority here are a very mature bunch.
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Are you sure? Remember this is the forum, when someone spilled lemonade on their game cover, for 2 pages claimed it was semen and or piss. So...
You're kinda kidding yourself if you think GAF is mature. It's mature as much as other forums. But there are really good discussions and people here who are accepting of gender/sexuality /disability and I like it that way. :)

Anyway, good work so far on the thread. Read through the whole thread in one day, can't wait for more.
 
N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
Pau said:
I've only really heard his Under the Red Hood score. They haven't made any Batman animated movies that have been appealing to me since then. :(
Click to expand...

His scores for Red Hood, TDKR, and Arkham Origins are great. I just like listening to the music. He tends to nail that even if the movie is men. I think he did Year One as well.
 
Jedeye Sniv

Jedeye Sniv

Banned
JC Sera said:
I said suicidal comments, not that they directly said they were going to kill themselves.
The last thing you do is dismiss these thoughts or feelings like this. Never say shut up in any form. Societal pressures to be silent about struggling with these problems is a fucking serious issue. Someone should be able to talk about those feelings with out having the fucking police sent to their house. Seriously fuck man. They were expressing these feelings on their personal blog, under a readmore, not an out and out forum as a call for help.
Click to expand...

My point was the opposite of what you assumed - suicide is serious, people will react emotively to it, it will upset them and they'll try to act to help. So getting upset at people for trying to help is counterproductive when they were just trying to be good people.

You can talk about it without giving the impression that you're planning on doing it.
 
Q

QuicheFontaine

Member
Lord Thrappleper The 49th said:
Sometimes I think conspiracy theories are right, but then I realize how stupid they are, and then I think what if that's what they want us to think?

Some things in life you just have to research for yourself and make your own conclusion: Here's a brief summary of mine:

Lizard people: Individual beings, yes, together, no.
Never went to the moon: No, but must be taken with a side of wishful hoping that it isn't true.
Illuminati: Yes, but not as bad as they like to think they are.
Russel Brand in the Illuminati: Maybe, depends if they like his comedy.
Pokemon real: No.
Digimon real: Yes in the future.
America doesn't exist: Stong inclination to think so.
9/11: See; America doesn't exist.
Aliens: Immigrants exist.
Racists: Genetic deformality.
Click to expand...

I've never heard this one. So, you think the physical place America literally isn't there? The Atlantic Ocean just keeps going until it meets the Pacific?
 
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