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Not even sure where to start.

I'm someone who on the outside is exceptionally happy, and very fortunate. I'm a professional in the games industry, heck there's even been GAF threads about stuff I've worked on. You guys know me and I love you seeing you guys a lot at local meetups and industry events. GAF has been my home for many, many years and it means a lot to me.

In the 'real world' the wife and I are often told how envious people are of us, what a happy, well adjusted couple we are. We both work hard, have successful careers, own a house in the suburbs and all that stuff. We get on great and have been married for over a decade. This is the definition of success to many people!

Here's the thing that I've come to realise over the last few months, and it sickens me to even type it - I'm full of hate for pretty much every element of my life.

I resent my wife for the fact she can't have children. YES I AM AWARE OF HOW MUCH OF A SHITBAG THAT MAKES ME. She got pregnant a few years ago, and we lost it a few weeks in, and honestly I kind of blame me and my day job for putting so much pressure on us during this period that it somehow affected her. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. At any rate ever since then (and the operations that resulted from losing the pregnancy) we've never been able to get pregnant again. Every time I see a kid running around the place I get angry thinking I'll never be a dad. Sooo fucking angry and anxious. Can't breathe angry and anxious. Can't see straight angry and anxious.

So I tried talking to her about this a few weeks ago. She cut me off and said I'm not allowed to be angry or anxious about anything because she can't handle me not being HER rock.So I resent her for that too, and just try to keep how I feel to myself at all times now. People ask me how I am and I say I'm fine and smile and get them to talk about themselves.

I resent her for cheating on me five years ago and I fucking hate myself for staying with her when I should have told her to walk. To this day i still imagine them together, even though it was 'only' that one time (as far as I know). Look, I get that people still find other people attractive, God knows I would cut off my left nut to spend a night with my cute-as-all-FUCK PA right now, but fuuuuck. I still get angry about this and that's just fucked. I think I stayed with her because I wanted kids and now THAT's not going to happen.

Maybe I'm just angry at being made to be OK with everything in order to keep the status quo. I'm not OK! I'm fucking angry that we can't have kids, that I'm stuck in the suburbs with a house I hate, that I have a crippling mortgage that means I can't do the things I want to do, that I have a wife who fucking cheated on me FOR NO FUCKING REASON, and that I'm not leading the life I want. It's not fucking fair and I am a spoiled little shit for wanting more than what I have and not being happy with how fortunate I am to be alive and healthy and loved.

So anyway thanks for reading and I hope the confessions thread gets people through dark days.

I didn't even read all of this and I can tell you what you need to do: Bail out. You're not happy, your wife cheated on you and doesn't want to communicate. That is not worth the stress and heartache. Do it quick man.

 

[maxcriden]

How would they unearth it unless you were caught... or you plagiarized and they have some sort of plagiarizing checking machine.

Which they do.

This is very similar to the plot of the show Suits.

 

[dani_dc]

This one starts of cheerful, but... it is not.



Wow, that... that really sucks. I'd say try to work it through with your wife, but you are really filled with bitterness and anger and resentment. Maybe you guys just aren't meant to be together. I mean, it isn't the life you want, and you're really angry and bitter... maybe it's best for you both to start again. I mean, you both might be happier.

You could at least nail the PA and not feel so shitty.

Yeah, there's no easy fix for this. These kind of feelings are hard to get back from from what I've seen of other people's lives. The thing about the kids, I really feel for you. Anger at her is irrational, but I can sympathize as to why you feel that way.

Sorry, it sounds like your relationship is already over, you should just cut your losses earlier rather than later to minimize your issues as much as possible.
The longer you wait the worst it will be.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Yeah, bud... it's definitely done and it's only gonna get worse.

I know that feel, bro.

So why don't you bail?

 

[terrisus]

So why don't you bail?

Things don't actually work out in my life :þ

 

[User 479360]

My confessions:

1) I don't really find traditional pornography interesting or appealing. A naked woman is something I appreciate, plus find attractive; however, it's not what attracts me to them the most.

Since middle-school, I've had what they call a hair fetish, which came out of nowhere. So, instead of watching porn, I get my rocks off by watching good-looking women getting their haircut.

It feels weird to say, but there are a lot of others and tons of websites, video manufacturers, etc. Some go to an extreme and bug the people who post their videos on YouTube (personal ones), but I don't even comment.

2) I also live a life with little happiness. After reading a news article recently, I wonder if I have melancholia depression. I do know, though, that I have clinical depression, along with OCD (since age 8) and anxiety (not sure for how long. Probably most of my life). I've been diagnosed, and have tried several different meds. I'm now on Cipralex, but even it's not working.

My life consists of sleeping, watching TV, gaming, and writing video game news/reviews. Also doing a lot of emailing, which I like. I push myself to even game these days. Most importantly, I help my Mom who's had health issues. I'm a deadbeat essentially, and I don't know if that will change. I'm the black sheep of my family as a result.

I never have any energy. I also never have any desire to do anything, outside of the odd occasion. I'm a homebody and a quasi-hermit. I couldn't find a job after college, and developed severe depression since. Nobody will hire me anyways, because I have no skills and no personality.

Truthfully, I don't want a job. I can't commit to 40 hours a week and schedules scare the hell out of me. One day I'll feel okay, but the next I'll feel like garbage. Even if I get 10-15 hours of sleep, I wake up tired. Today, I was exhausted all day after getting good sleep.

My Dad and his family don't think you're worth shit unless you work 60 hours a week and love it. That and yard work. My Aunt seems to understand how I feel, but nobody else really does. I know I'm looked upon poorly, and probably talked about behind my back. I sense things sometimes. But my Dad's always been on my ass about working, getting out there and doing something. He doesn't understand mental illness. I walk on egg shells around him, because he's prone to outbursts and we've never seen eye to eye or had much of a relationship.

I fantasize about nooses, overdosing and where I'd do it. I'd love to go just before my Mom, because I don't want to have to live a second without her. I don't think I could. I only live for her, nothing else.

Truthfully, though, I'm afraid of the unknown. What if I did it and ended up in Hell? Maybe you believe it doesn't exist. I'm not sure of what I believe, though I do believe in a god. Regardless, none of us truly know.

What also scares me is living with fatigue all the time, and not enjoying anything. Living without a mom for many years, potentially (hopefully not, though). I could likely get disability, but I need my Dad's help to do it (for reasons I can't explain well here) and am still waiting because he doesn't want me to go on it.

My teeth are filled with cavities, and my free meds have pretty much run out. Cipralex Meltz is $125/month, plus I have IBS (like living with a regular flu) and that's another $50 for meds. If I was on disability, I'd have benefits, but I'll still likely have to wait for a year before being accepted. No pills seem to work anyways.

I see a psychiatrist and later this month will be my second time, but it feels like there's little help out there for the mentally ill. People say they understand, but lots don't and there's just token help I feel. You're still on your own. And if you commit suicide, you're a coward, which I believe is bullshit. Only people who haven't gone through it are the most common to say that.

Disability is only $1100 per month and I worry about that. I'm wanted out of here, so I don't know how I'd afford Internet and rent, plus other things. I worry I'd need to give up gaming, too.

I also have this interest in writing a blog about it all and my thoughts on suicide, then linking it to Facebook. Or posting something there. However, I don't want to be an attention whore, don't want to offend and don't really think it's a good idea. I want people to understand what I go through everyday, though.

 

[Kevyt]

Well, when I was little (even younger than 11, if I remember correctly) me and a few of my guy friends regularly... tried some stuff out. I'll leave the details up to your imagination. Most of them turned out completely straight as far as I know.
One of them dates one girl after the other (sometimes at the same time) nowadays, yet he has very few problems about getting into bed with other guys. I don't think he gets attracted to men romantically though. I'm bisexual myself, though I have a preference for men.

We never really bring that stuff up anymore though. I'm pretty sure most of them have blocked it out of their memories by now.

When I was younger, I had similar experiences. I turned out 98% straight. I wouldn't worry too much about sexual preference labels and just go with the flow.

There were a few guys who were rumored to have experimented like that in my high school. They have had girlfriends since and at least one of them I know is married and has kids now. My guess is that it's not all that uncommon to experiment.

Wow... we need another Kinsey to investigate modern sexuality. I'm sure a lot of straight males explore their sexuality with other males but are too afraid/ashamed to admit it.

 

[SnakeEyes]

Not even sure where to start.

I'm someone who on the outside is exceptionally happy, and very fortunate. I'm a professional in the games industry, heck there's even been GAF threads about stuff I've worked on. You guys know me and I love you seeing you guys a lot at local meetups and industry events. GAF has been my home for many, many years and it means a lot to me.

In the 'real world' the wife and I are often told how envious people are of us, what a happy, well adjusted couple we are. We both work hard, have successful careers, own a house in the suburbs and all that stuff. We get on great and have been married for over a decade. This is the definition of success to many people!

Here's the thing that I've come to realise over the last few months, and it sickens me to even type it - I'm full of hate for pretty much every element of my life.

I resent my wife for the fact she can't have children. YES I AM AWARE OF HOW MUCH OF A SHITBAG THAT MAKES ME. She got pregnant a few years ago, and we lost it a few weeks in, and honestly I kind of blame me and my day job for putting so much pressure on us during this period that it somehow affected her. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. At any rate ever since then (and the operations that resulted from losing the pregnancy) we've never been able to get pregnant again. Every time I see a kid running around the place I get angry thinking I'll never be a dad. Sooo fucking angry and anxious. Can't breathe angry and anxious. Can't see straight angry and anxious.

So I tried talking to her about this a few weeks ago. She cut me off and said I'm not allowed to be angry or anxious about anything because she can't handle me not being HER rock.So I resent her for that too, and just try to keep how I feel to myself at all times now. People ask me how I am and I say I'm fine and smile and get them to talk about themselves.

I resent her for cheating on me five years ago and I fucking hate myself for staying with her when I should have told her to walk. To this day i still imagine them together, even though it was 'only' that one time (as far as I know). Look, I get that people still find other people attractive, God knows I would cut off my left nut to spend a night with my cute-as-all-FUCK PA right now, but fuuuuck. I still get angry about this and that's just fucked. I think I stayed with her because I wanted kids and now THAT's not going to happen.

Maybe I'm just angry at being made to be OK with everything in order to keep the status quo. I'm not OK! I'm fucking angry that we can't have kids, that I'm stuck in the suburbs with a house I hate, that I have a crippling mortgage that means I can't do the things I want to do, that I have a wife who fucking cheated on me FOR NO FUCKING REASON, and that I'm not leading the life I want. It's not fucking fair and I am a spoiled little shit for wanting more than what I have and not being happy with how fortunate I am to be alive and healthy and loved.

So anyway thanks for reading and I hope the confessions thread gets people through dark days.

To be honest, I'd have given her the boot then. You're obviously not happy, and the fact that she's cheated on you is a huge reason as to why you're not. Losing that trust from someone you love so much is devastating.

You need to break up; you cannot live life the way you are continuing to do so.

 

[Psychotext]

Even if I get 10-15 hours of sleep, I wake up tired. Today, I was exhausted all day after getting good sleep.

Obviously you're ill, and I'm not, but for my entire life I've always felt like shit if I've slept for much more than 8 hours. You might be surprised at how you'd feel if you could get some sort of routine going so as to achieve good sleep rather than loads of it.

Do you use / have you considered a sleep tracker (either band or app)? I use Sleep As Android and I've found that having it wake me in light sleep cycles has made a massive difference to how well rested I feel when I wake... even if I only sleep four hours.

 

[KidJr]

I'm going to sound like I'm from the 1930's or something but I'm really surprised how many people are just like break up? You've built a life with this person, the confessor has been with his wife for over 10 years man, who knows how long they were dating for before that.

I mean yeah she broke your vows by cheating on you and technically you are well within your right to leave her, but to me she thats a very you did this so I'm doing to do this attitude. The reason I think you're still thinking about (cheating) this is because by the sounds of it, you havent spoken about it. There's a reason she cheated, it might have nothing to do with you, it might be the fact she just didnt give enough of a f*ck about you to not cheat I dont know but there is a reason and until you discover the reason you cant have any kind of closure.

The kids man, again I'm not in your situation so I really cant comment the anger you must feel but I feel your wife is being very selfish. I think you have to decide what you want/love more... having biological kids or your wife. There are alternatives that perhaps you should look into exploring?

I dunno man, it sounds like you have pretty decent life but if we walked away from something everytime we were unhappy trust me no marriage would work ever. I think you and your wife sound PRIME for conselling, because alot of difficult conversations need to be had and they are probably better had around a third party, so someone can remain objective.

I hope you really try and go for conselling and attempt to save your marriage and happyness before you leave.

 

[JoeNut]

the campsite story is weird and needed to be about a quarter as long as it was.

the my wife can't have kids guy, you need to talk to her about it, and not just how you said and then she got angry, but actually sit down and talk about how you feel.

People who bottle shit up always end up worse off in the long run.

 

[GungHo]

I'm going to sound like I'm from the 1930's or something but I'm really surprised how many people are just like break up? You've built a life with this person, the confessor has been with his wife for over 10 years man, who knows how long they were dating for before that.

I do think that people can break up over some really piddly things, but that kind of resentment isn't something that someone has to feel obligated to live with for 40 years of their life. I do think these folks need counseling, but if his wife won't go and will not have the uncomfortable conversation over what her choices have wrought, there's not much for him to do.

That being said, I also understand the incredible pain and stress people feel when pregnancy doesn't work or when a baby is lost soon after birth... I've lived through that and barely survived it. Halloween and Christmas still torque me up. I am personally going to be avoiding the Santa Claus at the mall like the plague because of the things that conjures up, and I had to drink myself to sleep last Friday night (a fact which I sheepishly admitted to my wife on Saturday and rightly got a lecture over it). It's not fair to put that burden solely on one parent or the other, whether it's the blame, the pain, or the recovery. Frankly, they're both fucking up on that front, and I say that as someone who is also fucking that up and I will likely do that for the rest of my life. The difference is, as much as I can't stop hating myself, I am doing everything I can to not hate her, because she's not responsible for my demons when it comes to the baby.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I'm going to sound like I'm from the 1930's or something but I'm really surprised how many people are just like break up? You've built a life with this person, the confessor has been with his wife for over 10 years man, who knows how long they were dating for before that.

I mean yeah she broke your vows by cheating on you and technically you are well within your right to leave her, but to me she thats a very you did this so I'm doing to do this attitude. The reason I think you're still thinking about (cheating) this is because by the sounds of it, you havent spoken about it. There's a reason she cheated, it might have nothing to do with you, it might be the fact she just didnt give enough of a f*ck about you to not cheat I dont know but there is a reason and until you discover the reason you cant have any kind of closure.

The kids man, again I'm not in your situation so I really cant comment the anger you must feel but I feel your wife is being very selfish. I think you have to decide what you want/love more... having biological kids or your wife. There are alternatives that perhaps you should look into exploring?

I dunno man, it sounds like you have pretty decent life but if we walked away from something everytime we were unhappy trust me no marriage would work ever. I think you and your wife sound PRIME for conselling, because alot of difficult conversations need to be had and they are probably better had around a third party, so someone can remain objective.

I hope you really try and go for conselling and attempt to save your marriage and happyness before you leave.

That type of bitterness and resentment will just fester and rot inside him the longer he goes like this.

 

[terrisus]

Just putting it out there, but, I do have an anonymous confession posted in this topic.

No, I'm not saying which one.
No, I won't give any indications as to which one.
But, just figured I'd put that out there >.>

 

[User 479360]

Obviously you're ill, and I'm not, but for my entire life I've always felt like shit if I've slept for much more than 8 hours. You might be surprised at how you'd feel if you could get some sort of routine going so as to achieve good sleep rather than loads of it.

Do you use / have you considered a sleep tracker (either band or app)? I use Sleep As Android and I've found that having it wake me in light sleep cycles has made a massive difference to how well rested I feel when I wake... even if I only sleep four hours.

Thank you for the suggestion.

A lot of people have told me to try to get into a routine. I definitely think it's good advice, and certainly do not feel that they're wrong. I appreciate it, too. My issue is that I'm all over the place and getting into a routine is tough for me. I may have to try it sooner rather than later, though.

Because of my depression and what could be chronic fatigue, I sleep at different hours. I'll sleep a normal night, and then wake up and still be tired, so I'll sleep more. Or, if my workload as a reviewer (I do a lot of reviews myself) gets to be heavy, I worry about it and work extra hard playing them, writing, etc.

Some weeks, I'm going to bed at 11pm-1am and sleeping until say 9, and others I'm staying up all night and sleeping during the day, until 5pm or maybe even 10pm. I had a string, recently, where I was sleeping until around 8-10pm and sleeping 15-17 hours a day.

It doesn't help that we have PSWs coming in every day for other family members. Two come in at a time from one company, and when they're here, they talk like they're in grade 7 and at a birthday party, or at a girl's night out at a bar. I used to be able to sleep through an explosion, but now I'm a soft sleeper and I wake up when they're here. They come at 7:45 and 9am, alternating hours depending on the day. It's driving me insane.

I used to feel okay if I got 3-5 hours of sleep, but now I feel awful if I do that.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Just putting it out there, but, I do have an anonymous confession posted in this topic.

No, I'm not saying which one.
No, I won't give any indications as to which one.
But, just figured I'd put that out there >.>

Maybe everyone already knows which one it is

<.<
>.>
>.<

I run under the assumption that most people have a confession floating around here.

 

[terrisus]

Maybe everyone already knows which one it is

<.<
>.>
>.<

>.>
<.<
>.>

I run under the assumption that most people have a confession floating around here.

Including you :þ

 

[jasonng]

Confession: I'm doozy.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Confession: I'm doozy.


Dun dun duuuuuuun

 

[Sheriff_Battlesnake]

I've lived with a girl who shot up almost daily and was too naive to allow myself to admit that's what was going on. I've been hit by my ex. I was a bulimic for 6 years, but in the first 2 I lost 70lbs and 90% of my sanity/confidence. I'm just NOW making a conscious effort to not drink and drive after my friend totaled her car and is EXTREMELY lucky not to be dead. I used to go to the bar every day, spend $20 on double IPAs and then head home with a 6 pack of Lone Star tall boys and get black out drunk every night.

But, admittedly, I've turned out pretty okay. Thank god I got those lessons out early. I'm back on track, albeit still fairly troubled. I'm at least really happy.

 

[KidJr]

That type of bitterness and resentment will just fester and rot inside him the longer he goes like this.

I hear that but I mean dont you think he should at least tell his wife how he feels, I mean I understand she doesnt want to listen but does she know how deep it is, whats at stake etc?

 

[NeOak]

Confession: I'm doozy.

 

[crazyprac]

This one starts of cheerful, but... it is not.



Wow, that... that really sucks. I'd say try to work it through with your wife, but you are really filled with bitterness and anger and resentment. Maybe you guys just aren't meant to be together. I mean, it isn't the life you want, and you're really angry and bitter... maybe it's best for you both to start again. I mean, you both might be happier.

You could at least nail the PA and not feel so shitty.

Yeah, there's no easy fix for this. These kind of feelings are hard to get back from from what I've seen of other people's lives. The thing about the kids, I really feel for you. Anger at her is irrational, but I can sympathize as to why you feel that way.

Dude just gtfo of that relationship. Like someone said get an expensive ass car and drive it around with your new fuck buddy PA. Enjoy life.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I think there's still time for both of them to start again.

 

[jasonng]

Surely life can be stranger than Fiction.

 

[dskillzhtown]

Sorry, it sounds like your relationship is already over, you should just cut your losses earlier rather than later to minimize your issues as much as possible.
The longer you wait the worst it will be.

Agreed. I was in a similar situation with my ex. Once resentment is planted, it is hard to do get past it. Your entire relationship ends up filled with tension. Even the most minor of issues becomes a huge one in that situation. You have to end it. Doesn't mean either one of you are bad people, just that the relationship is bad.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I am currently engaged to a man I deeply love. We were friends in high school until he asked me out at prom. We broke up for about a year during college and proceeded to become very close friends during that year before getting back together, and have been extremely happy ever since. However, I haven't exactly told him what else happened that prom night.

Now, he knows that I almost had a threesome with my best friend and her boyfriend at the time, but he thinks it happened a few months before he got together. In truth, it happened at our prom after party (which he declined to go to), fueled by plenty of alcohol and teenage hormones. The threesome didn't happen because my best friend didn't want it to affect our relationship and thought this might've not been the best way to lose my virginity, which is probably for the best. But there was still plenty of making out and under the pants touching that night.

Prom night was very sweet for my fiancee and I, and our mutual long time crushes culminated in a kiss and plans to have our first date the following week. On the one hand, I don't feel like I exactly cheated because we weren't officially going steady and hadn't even had any dates at this point, just plans. On the other hand, I sort of did since it was an unspoken agreement that it would be a monogamous relationship and that while it wasn't something we were intending to get super serious about at that point (lol, whoops), we went into it knowing it wasn't casual dating either.

I know there are tons of way worse cheating confessions on here, but we're very honest with each other and I've never directly lied to him about anything important before. I feel guilty about purposefully keeping this from him, but at the same time I never want him to know on the off chance it'll damage our relationship.

Hey, at least your prom night sounded exciting. Mine just ended up with me playing poker at the local YMCA until five in the morning when my mom came and got me.

Seriously. That is actually what happened.

Spoiler

Considering how long ago it was and the fact you didn't really go through with it, and you being deeply committed to him now, I wouldn't bother bringing it up. Hell, if you guys are this solid now, I don't think it'll leave any lasting damage in the relationship. Besides, he already knows the event happened, just the timing's a little screwy. You shouldn't let it affect you just cause you guys are so good now, plus... it was when you were a stupid high school hormone addled kid. Nobody cares that much. Be se

Or you could tell him and he might get revved up and propose a threesome.

 

[dani_dc]

Hey, at least your prom night sounded exciting. Mine just ended up with me playing poker at the local YMCA until five in the morning when my mom came and got me.

Seriously. That is actually what happened.

Spoiler

Considering how long ago it was and the fact you didn't really go through with it, and you being deeply committed to him now, I wouldn't bother bringing it up. Hell, if you guys are this solid now, I don't think it'll leave any lasting damage in the relationship. Besides, he already knows the event happened, just the timing's a little screwy. You shouldn't let it affect you just cause you guys are so good now, plus... it was when you were a stupid high school hormone addled kid. Nobody cares that much. Be se

Or you could tell him and he might get revved up and propose a threesome.

Offering him a MFF threesome is the only way to truly repent!

 

[perfectchaos007]

I had attractive dates to both of my HS proms, but was too prude to make any moves on them at the after parties. Hormones didn't kick in till I was 18 or 19 so I was robbed of being a horny teenager

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I had attractive dates to both of my HS proms, but was too prude to make any moves on them at the after parties. Hormones didn't kick in till I was 18 or 19 so I was robbed of being a horny teenager

I was just terrible at speaking to women, being near women, hell, I'm pretty sure I repelled women.

All those hormones, all those pretty girls, and nowhere to go.

 

[Little Nemo]

I resent her for cheating on me five years ago and I fucking hate myself for staying with her when I should have told her to walk. To this day i still imagine them together, even though it was 'only' that one time (as far as I know)...I still get angry about this and that's just fucked. I think I stayed with her because I wanted kids and now THAT's not going to happen.

I think this says everything right here, man. She betrayed your trust and cheated on you. You stayed despite your misgivings in the hope of having kids. Now that's not going to happen. And now you realize you have no reason left to stay but you feel trapped by the guilt of leaving your wife after what you've both been through. You're a good guy and want to do the right thing and you think that staying is the right thing but it's not what you want.

You've got three choices here:

1. If there's any part of you that still loves your wife, you need to go see a therapist. Go by yourself if your wife won't go with you.

2. Tell your wife the truth. Tell her after she cheated on you that you fell out of love with her but you stayed in the relationship solely in the hope of having children. Now that's off the table there's nothing left for you guys. You both deserve a fresh start and a chance to find love with someone else.

3. Stay in a relationship with someone you no longer have any love for and continue feeling like this for the rest of your life. You seem to feel like this is the "noble" thing to do but the reality is you're afraid of what people will think of you if you leave and you think you're doing what's right. But both of you deserve to have happiness in your life, and if you no longer have a chance of finding it with each other you need to let this go and you both need to move on and try with someone else. You both still have time to rebuild but the longer you let your guilt trap you in a loveless marriage the smaller that window shrinks.

You only get one life. Don't waste it being miserable with the choices that have already passed.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Sadly, I am not a sex offender, so this might be a boring confession. But here goes:

I've always been compelled to create things. Music, short fiction, long fiction, comics, etc. But none of it is even remotely successful. I have a high-paying "normal" job that I'm very grateful for, but it leaves me unfulfilled and empty inside.

I wish I didn't have this urge. It would be much easier to not spend so much of my free time working on things that virtually nobody on this planet seems to like. But stopping makes me even more miserable.

I try to tell myself that I don't need validation from others. But a little appreciation sure would make it feel like less of a waste of time when I put hundreds or thousands of hours into something.

Of course stopping would make you miserable. Creators create. You can't just turn it off. Most people crave validation, you're not really any different. There are those that create for themselves, but in my experience, they are far and few in between.

Just keep creating. One day, someone will notice. The only way there's a chance that no one will notice is if you stop creating.

 

[CesspoolofHatred]

suicidal thoughts, issues with father, and disability

Okay, few things.

1. I think you should have your father come with you to one of your psychiatry appointments. It sounds like he doesn't know what your issues are, and having a professional explain it to him could help repair your relationship with him, as well as make him more willing to help you receive disability benefits.

2. Given your issues, I don't think you would have ANY trouble going on disability. Even high-functioning autistic people can get on it, and right now it sounds like you're struggling to even function. Few things to note in case you go that route:

a. If you're doing something like, say, paying rent, they'll usually increase the amount of disability money you get per month to help with the expense.

b. There's a limit to how much money you can saved up. I think the highest is $2000 at any point in time. You're expected to spend that money on living expenses like food, clothing, rent, etc.

c. When you apply for disability services, when they approve you I believe they give you the money that they would have paid you between your application date and your approval date.

3. I don't think suicide is something a coward would do. It's more an act of desperation than anything else, or it could be something that happens on impulse.

As for the blog thing, that could be a good idea, but I'd agree that immediately linking to it through your Facebook might not go well, but not because you'd come off as an attention whore or that you'd offend someone. Let's be honest here, you shouldn't worry about EITHER of those on the internet, and in the case of suicidal thoughts, you should NEVER worry that you're offending someone or being an attention whore. You're not doing that right now, you're just laying out your thoughts.

I recommend against linking it to Facebook because it sounds like there are people in your life who don't necessarily understand what you're going through (like your father and his side of the family), and you're going to want to ease them in.

Instead, I think you should start the blog under an anonymous username, or something that can't immediately be linked to your real identity, and then post it somewhere like here if you want. And whenever you feel like you'd be ready to share it with the people in your life, like your parents, just share some excerpts of it with them. Not right off the bat, though. Again, I'd strongly suggest that you let a professional like your psychiatrist explain it, they're trained to handle this sort of stuff.

That's all I have. I hope things start looking up for you.

 

[terrisus]

I actually have never sent a confession in. My life is pretty dull.

---->

>.>

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

---->



>.>

I believe Fiction because she is incapable of lying.

I mean, she literally has detailed insane swathes of her life on this forum without having to be anonymous.

I mean, if she murdered someone, she'd probably just out and out say it.

 

[CesspoolofHatred]

I've sent in x > 1 confessions myself.

Some of which I don't think have been posted yet.

 

[Orbis Tabula]

I believe Fiction because she is incapable of lying.

Makes her username pretty ironic, then.

 

[Magwik]

I have a confession in here as well. Not an exciting one though.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I have a confession in here as well. Not an exciting one though.

I believe they're all exciting in their own way.

 

[terrisus]

Makes her username pretty ironic, then.

It's stranger than a lot of things.

I've sent in x > 1 confessions myself.

Some of which I don't think have been posted yet.

> 1, or >= 1?

 

[CesspoolofHatred]

> 1, or >= 1?

Not telling, that's part of the fun of guessing~

 

[Night Hunter]

I've lived with a girl who shot up almost daily and was too naive to allow myself to admit that's what was going on. I've been hit by my ex. I was a bulimic for 6 years, but in the first 2 I lost 70lbs and 90% of my sanity/confidence. I'm just NOW making a conscious effort to not drink and drive after my friend totaled her car and is EXTREMELY lucky not to be dead. I used to go to the bar every day, spend $20 on double IPAs and then head home with a 6 pack of Lone Star tall boys and get black out drunk every night.

But, admittedly, I've turned out pretty okay. Thank god I got those lessons out early. I'm back on track, albeit still fairly troubled. I'm at least really happy.

Is your name Rust Cohle?

 

[dani_dc]

I believe Fiction because she is incapable of lying.

I mean, she literally has detailed insane swathes of her life on this forum without having to be anonymous.

I mean, if she murdered someone, she'd probably just out and out say it.

She tells us some of her insane parts of her life exactly for us to think that way. It's all part of her cunning plans.

 

[dani_dc]

I be more subtle than that I'd hope.

"GAF, a Question: how do you get a large amount of blood out of carpet? I've tried bleach but it's just making it worse. Any suggestions?"

"Just having a bad period day".

Spoiler

I'm so sorry.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I wonder if Prom Night Girl (I was considering calling her Carrie, but it's actually not a horrible prom story) is now considering asking her hubby-to-be for a threesome.

I be more subtle than that I'd hope.

"GAF, a Question: how do you get a large amount of blood out of carpet? I've tried bleach but it's just making it worse. Any suggestions?"

Ha!

 

[CrudeDiatribe]

"GAF, a Question: how do you get a large amount of blood out of carpet? I've tried bleach but it's just making it worse. Any suggestions?"

Hydrogen peroxide.

I asked Siri.

 

[John Kowalski]

I be more subtle than that I'd hope.

"GAF, a Question: how do you get a large amount of blood out of carpet? I've tried bleach but it's just making it worse. Any suggestions?"

Burn it and buy a new one. That's why i keep a few spare carpets in the attic.

 

[terrisus]

I be more subtle than that I'd hope.

"GAF, a Question: how do you get a large amount of blood out of carpet? I've tried bleach but it's just making it worse. Any suggestions?"

Issues with blood in the carpet, eh?

 

[dani_dc]

I wonder if Prom Night Girl (I was considering calling her Carrie, but it's actually not a horrible prom story) is now considering asking her hubby-to-be for a threesome.

Hopefully with the same girl she mentioned in the story.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Issues with blood in the carpet, eh?

...

Come on, son.