Sonic's Schoolhouse. It's a game.
The first thing you're greeted with in-game is proof that the film studio Orion had a computer game division (really? Wonder what else they did), and Sonic proclaiming that he is, in fact, Sonic, and that you should click on him for help. He says this in the most obvious woman-doing-a-male-voice way imaginable. (Like, I understand women do voices for young boys and all, because
actual young boys hit puberty after a while and can't do the roles they were hired for any longer... but this is Sonic. He's a teenager. He doesn't need a little kid's voice. This just seems an odd casting decision.)
You play as one of several animal characters. Not Sonic, because he's the teacher here. Not Tails or Knuckles or Amy or anyone you'd even recognize, but instead classic characters like Alligator in a Leotard, Monkey Whose Eyes Bug Out, or Kangaroo That Looks Like a Fox. The screen in which you select them has some rather bizarre CGI make them look like animations that
rejects from the first Tekken's character select.
You're then dropped off into a first-person
dungeon school lobby with a floor plan lifted straight from
Wolfenstein 3D. There are six doors total. Four lead to the actual learning part - two math doors (addition/subtraction and multiplication/division) and two reading doors (reading and spelling). Two more doors lead outside opposite ends of the building; one leads to two more doors which yield bonus games of some sort. One has you running away from Eggman and his Badniks as you try to grab a certain number of rings, which is made a bit chilling given that none of them make any noise whatsoever and your first-person viewpoint doesn't have crazy
Quake-pro FOV, so they can easily sneak up on you and take all your progress away in an instant (you lose the rings, but you can't regrab them). The other is a basic Memory game, where you match these question-marks-that-turn-into-statues-of-things aligned in one row with the corresponding question-mark-that-turns-into-the-same-statue in another row.
On the other end of the schoolhouse, you get access to a school bus that takes you to a field trip to the zoo (after you watch Sonic drive the bus there down a small forested road at 300 MPH and nearly rear-end the car in front of him while doing it). There, you get to learn all sorts of fascinating factoids about the animals comprising the playable characters. Did you know that New Zealand is just of the western coast of Australia? Me neither, I thought it was the south-eastern. No factoids on hedgehogs, foxes, echidnas or egg-shaped mad scientists, though. That'd be too interesting.
Obviously, you'd just want to dick around with the bonus games, right? Well, tough shit. You need passes to get into any of them, and the only way to get that is to go through the education parts. So buckle up, bronco, we're going in.
Uh... huh.
Okay, so here's the rub. There are four blackboards in the front of the school room, each with a puzzle to be solved - real basic things like "A, B, _, D" or "6 x 9 = _" for spelling/math, and the names of objects for reading. Correspondingly, either a bajillion numbers/letters hopping around or ballons with pictures floating about are also in the room, to be used as solutions. You have to target the letter/number/balloon you want and then shoot it at the corresponding blackboard - possibly a few times, if the answer isn't single-digit. They've also placed "recycle bins" on either side of the classroom to dump unwanted letters/numbers into. Sonic cheerfully exclaims "You've recycled! That's
great!" whenever you do so. This is entirely pointless, as you could get rid of what you accidentally picked up by just grabbing another one.
Of course, the selection is a bit limited in the front of the classroom, so you can go to the back of the classroom, where you get to be met with Dr. Eggman. Eggman doesn't want educated citizens to rule over (despite
allegedly being a feminist), so he'll steal whatever answer you were holding on to by ramming his ride directly into your behind, potentially taking from you the correct answer to the solution. This is all innocent enough if it weren't for the fact he's riding a vehicle
that looks like it was designed to friggin' eat you.
Anyway, once you answer one of the blackboards correctly, a door next to it opens up to another room, in which you'll find... another blackboard. Perhaps two! Answer
those, though, and you get access to a room with neon-colored walls (the color of which you can change if you get close to them and hit the "Use" key) and one of the passes to the bonus games or the field trip. Sweet! Also in one of those neon rooms is a key that lets you skip one of the questions, if you somehow couldn't find it within yourself to answer "Q, R, _, T".
Every question you answer also nets you a gumball. You can get up to 10 per run through a classroom. This fills up a gumball machine, the screen for which you can then print a certificate declaring how smart you are in numbers of gumballs. There's even a cute animation of the gumball machine filling up, but it maxes out at 100 and you get gumballs through the bonus games as well, so who cares.
The weird thing is, it may not even have been intended to
be a
Sonic game from the onset. There's videos still on the disk of
an unused clock character that's in the role Sonic fills in the final product.
In conclusion:
tl;dr: Look,
I made a video on the game back in 2007, just watch that.