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[MisterLuffy]

I want to take a class this summer but I don't think it's going to happen. I had to take a pre-exam to enroll in physics which I find it stupid, and the date of the exam has passed. It's frustrating because I need to get two physics class out of the way in order to take upper division classes. I might have to wait next year to take physics because the class is closed in fall semester. Now I have to search for a job which mostly likely I will fail in doing.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

My new favorite fact.

As Hydyne-LOX (liquid oxygen) was the fuel combination used for the Redstone rocket, Morgan whimsically suggested naming her new fuel formulation Bagel, since the rocket's propellant combination would then be called Bagel and LOX.[7][9][18] Her suggested name for the new fuel was not accepted, and Hydyne was chosen instead by the U.S. Army.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sherman_Morgan

 

[Kipp]

So pretty much the one thing in my life that isn't great right now is my full-time job (and even that is still bearable, but it's just super boring and physically painful sitting at a desk all day), and my neighbor just texted me asking if I'd be interested in a management position at her store, getting paid more than I'm getting paid at my full-time job.

It really feels like everything's coming up Kipp.

Life is so good.

 

[zeemumu]

Inevitably quitting my job this year is actually starting to not seem that bad when I think about it. The major downside is obviously money, which I need to move out, but this job is kinda slowly killing me with stress.

 

[Gray Matter]

Eh, it has been a bad few days.

Don't know if any of you remember reading my first post here, in which I said that the reason for my depression is being lonely. Friendships that are dull and going nowhere and having no romantic relationships at the moment, or ever for that matter.

Last week I met(?) this cute girl through online dating. Sent her a message and she actually responded quite fast, which surprised me. We continued to text for a few days and since I thought she was interested decided to take a chance and ask her out, she said she had a conflicting schedule this week (when the date would happen) but she said yes nonetheless. Sunday night I was texting her and asked when she would like to schedule our date, since then, no reply. That just made me feel horrible, here I had, for a change something going, it made me feel a little better, someone was actually interested in me, but since she stopped replying all those thoughts of me being worthless, undatable, and that no one wants to be with me just came flooding back.

Today has been particularly bad, I'm usually in a good mood at work since it keeps me distracted from all my troubles, but today it hasn't, it has been a drag working today. I'm typing this in the bathroom so my boss won't see me.

 

[zeemumu]

Eh, it has been a bad few days.

Don't know if any of you remember reading my first post here, in which I said that the reason for my depression is being lonely. Friendships that are dull and going nowhere and having no romantic relationships at the moment, or ever for that matter.

Last week I met(?) this cute girl through online dating. Sent her a message and she actually responded quite fast, which surprised me. We continued to text for a few days and since I thought she was interested decided to take a chance and ask her out, she said she had a conflicting schedule this week (when the date would happen) but she said yes nonetheless. Sunday night I was texting her and asked when she would like to schedule our date, since then, no reply. That just made me feel horrible, here I had, for a change something going, it made me feel a little better, someone was actually interested in me, but since she stopped replying all those thoughts of me being worthless, undatable, and that no one wants to be with me just came flooding back.

Today has been particularly bad, I'm usually in a good mood at work since it keeps me distracted from all my troubles, but today it hasn't, it has been a drag working today. I'm typing this in the bathroom so my boss won't see me.

Try not to overthink it too much. And don't connect your dating life to your sense of self worth. If you do that you'll just assume that every rejection is because you weren't enough of something, and that's rarely the case.

 

[Lionheart1827]

My new favorite fact.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sherman_Morgan

Aw man, US Army was all like:

 

[Gray Matter]

Try not to overthink it too much. And don't connect your dating life to your sense of self worth. If you do that you'll just assume that every rejection is because you weren't enough of something, and that's rarely the case.

It's hard not too, especially after she initially said yes, then complete silence.

 

[zeemumu]

It's hard not too, especially after she initially said yes, then complete silence.

That means that she was interested in you, so I doubt that her lack of response is anything that you did. It could be a number of things but you think that it's because of you because it's a lot easier than just not knowing. Just try not to let it bother you. Keep yourself occupied so that you either won't be waiting when she eventually responds or won't care if she doesn't because you'll be busy with other things.

 

[Vorheez]

I have reached my breaking point. My anxiety and paranoia has now reached the point where I cannot live my life. I have been seeing a therapist for over a year but this is not enough anymore, I am now prepared to incorporate medication. I refuse to live like this. I am convinced I have generalized anxiety disorder, just waiting on a diagnosis.

Does anyone here have any experience with medication for anxiety and what can you tell me about the pros and cons? Thank you.

 

[Gray Matter]

That means that she was interested in you, so I doubt that her lack of response is anything that you did. It could be a number of things but you think that it's because of you because it's a lot easier than just not knowing. Just try not to let it bother you. Keep yourself occupied so that you either won't be waiting when she eventually responds or won't care if she doesn't because you'll be busy with other things.

You're right, but it still feels bad. One thing is, that I'm not as bummed out about it as I normally would be. It probably means I'm just learning how to cope with rejection better.

 

[Piano]

This, once again, now that you mention it is true. I'm not sharing any meaningful experiences with any of my friends. I've tried getting them to do things that I, and probably them as well, would enjoy, but they're always "busy".

Are they truly busy, or is it just a matter of priorities? If it's the former, there may not be much you can do, but if it's the latter perhaps you can keep at inviting them out to do new things. Eventually they'll accompany you, and then perhaps the new experiences will redefine the time you spend together (slowly, over time) and you'll all come to re-prioritize your friendships.

In a way, you must demonstrate to both them and yourself that you're trying to change what you can all "expect" from spending time with one another.

I wonder why building self esteem is hard, is it because the reflection of my image that people give me is poor ?...

Spoiler

I had once a therapy but the guy just gave me medecine and didn't really listened to me. It end up pretty badly.
I tried again recently but the doctor didn't took me seriously (maybe if I snapped before him he would've ?).

Spoiler

It sounds more as if you saw a psychiatrist, who mainly assign medications, rather than a therapist, who specialize in talk therapy.

Were the medications helpful? If not, or if you'd rather not go the medication route for now, could you look into setting something up with a therapist?

I'd like to think so, yes... i guess i'm just trying to find meaning, i want to keep living because i have a reason, and not just keep on moving by inertia.

The most difficult reality I've had to learn to confront and live with in my past four years of existential anxiety and suffering is that, given my view of the universe, there is no given meaning. I spent a long time trying to find it, and then when I gave up on finding it I tried to run from the inherently meaningless truth of the universe. Neither worked.

I learned that meaning is something created, not given. I've had to slowly learn what creates meaning for me and gradually work on creating it. It's been a slow process with ups and downs but it has snowballed a bit, which is nice; I don't think I'll ever go back to sticking my head as deep in the sand as I was in 2010-2011.

I have two questions:
Is there anything you can identify that brings you meaning and purpose?
and
What is that inertia composed of? Where there is an unlikely inertia / will to live there is perhaps something to be learned.

Yeah, I would try to force myself to do the things they asked me to and I just couldn't do it, then I'd feel guilty about it the next time I saw them. I haven't really discussed that with my psychiatrist, but I think my therapists got the idea, since I always had to tell them I couldn't do what they asked me to. With most of them it would get to the point that they would say something like "we can't make any progress unless you're willing to take some risks," and I never could, so it just never worked.

I don't know if I necessarily feel like a "bad patient," I just feel like I'm not really doing anything to help myself and so it's not really worth the time and money. I'm also just not very good at expressing my thoughts and feelings to strangers - well, to anyone really - especially verbally. They would usually do most of the talking since I never had a lot to say, and I often felt like they were leading me to certain conclusions that weren't necessarily true, whether they meant to or not, and I never really knew what to say to correct them, and I wasn't even sure they were wrong to begin with.

I certainly wouldn't mind giving other medications a try, but my psychiatrist told me he didn't think anything else would be better, so I don't really know what to say to that.

Hmm.

Re: the therapists, I still believe, truly, that your struggle to take their advice, in itself, would give plenty to talk about. What I mean is, they give you advice, tips, assignments, what have you and then you either follow through or not. If you follow through, great, you can talk about how it worked and what you learned from the experience. If you don't - well then one would think you could talk about why you were unable to follow through. Or if you don't want to talk about that at all, one would think you could talk about why you don't want to talk about it. This chain can go infinitely deep, it's just a matter of figuring out where it ends and picking things up from there.

That being said, your therapists are not necessarily incorrect that you will have to take the initiative to do some things that make you uncomfortable. I've long felt that the operative verb in a therapeutic situation is deceptive - we don't receive therapy, it's not something you just go sit and and office and have showered on you. It's something both therapist and patient must work at, together, with much effort.

It can be very, very difficult. For some people it's even more difficult than that. Ultimately, the best tool you, as a patient, can take into therapy is a willingness to be uncomfortable, to the best of your ability. Therapy is uncomfortable. You're going to have to get comfortable with willingly being uncomfortable. Otherwise those uncomfortable things may never become comfortable. You say that "never could" seem to implement your therapists recommendations; I would suggest that perhaps it's not that you "can't" but that it's just very, tremendously, extremely, agonizingly uncomfortable to do so.

When my anxiety was at its worst I was stuck for a while not listening to anything my therapist said and lying to her to appease her. I knew that listening to her meant letting go of the few things that I was holding on to very tightly, the few things I thought were keeping me going. I went on like this for 9 months and gradually stopped seeing her. I didn't make any progress until my life, finally, fell apart a bit and I had to change my attitude.

One would think there is a therapist out there who would make you feel comfortable with being uncomfortable, at least enough so that you could begin to walk over the eggshells. But that being said, there will always be eggshells.

Why do you think you're not good at expressing your thoughts and feelings to strangers? Is it easier with those whom you know well?

Ideally at therapist is someone who you build a relationship so that they don't feel like a stranger, and rather feel like someone whom you can trust and who "gets" you. That being said, it takes a while - months - to get to that point and it requires a lot of blind investment by both parties.

Sorry to ramble.

Re: the psychiatrist. I'm not a doctor so I cannot levy any sort of professional opinion on your medication, but his attitude confuses me because I was on Zoloft, it wasn't working, and I did find other medications that helped. There are many of them out there, especially for anxiety. See my further writing on the subject below.

I do hope I was of some help, and I do hope you keep us posted. Anxiety is no joke and I am deeply sorry for your suffering.

All really solid advice and some nice links I appreciate it. Maybe my problems run a bit deeper though because it seems like I WANT to do all these things, grow as a person, learn new skills but I go to work, come home and just end up watching hulu/netflix or playing a game. No motivation at all and I recognize that, but the fear and doubt are still always there and I can't seem to shake it. I could write an essay about all my problems actually, from the small circle of friends with their own problems, to my housing situation, money trouble, debt, and I recently got out of a 6 year relationship.

I guess it really does come down to there being an underlying problem that I may need to seek help for. I have my medicaid card on the way but it is taking FOREVER. I have been waiting since april 5th. Maybe not that long but when your suffering physically or mentally 2 months can feel like 2 years. Thanks again though for the response..I hope I can find the will to try a few of these things.

If you recently came out of a 6 year relationship then I feel it's pretty reasonable to be low on motivation - that seems like a very tough circumstance and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. You seem pretty conscious of your bind, though, and that's an advantageous position to be in!

I would encourage you to try to rebuild your motivation with very small things at first. I would definitely encourage you, once your Medicaid card arrives, to look into further mental health resources. I don't take for granted that you have the motivation to do that at all!

Also, I would encourage you to write out all of your problems. Seriously! Not only will it feel good to get it all out, it'll give you a script to work on once you start meeting with a therapist and / or psychiatrist.

I've taken to keeping a journal of my emotional experience and the such recently and I've found it tremendously helpful in my appointments. I don't worry as much about "missing" anything and I have a log of how it felt straight from when it felt worst.

I ended with my therapy for a month at least, because I felt that is not helping me anymore. Me and my therapist started with quite different views on situation that I am facing. So we agreed to make a time break and start a bit differently in one month's time.

I have such crazy amount of work at my workplace and at home that I have barely any free time left. And each day after work I go for fast walking (minimum of 5 kilometers). Reduced alcohol consumption to absolute minimum. Each evening I just fell into bed. Only this is keeping me sane.

First of all, I'm glad you're able to limit alcohol consumption. It's an escape, sure, but I find that once you sober up it makes life's mountains even taller. Which, of course, encourages further escape into alcohol!

Does your therapist not "get" it? Is his / her perspective simply not helpful? Or is it something else entirely?

I hope you are able to get some rest.

Thanks for the replies, Piano.

1) I'm going to try coming off of Cymbalta soon. I'm a bit nervous given the flu-like symptoms I experienced before. But if I do it slowly (how do I do that well? She didn't say) it should be a lot better than before.

2) I've felt jittery and strange since taking the Saphris pill. I only took one to help me sleep and have stayed away from it since.

My arm felt kind of numb, and then felt weak the next day.

For both of those issues I would encourage consulting your doctor, as she'll be more knowledgeable than any of us.

That being said, usually when coming off of a medication I've titrated it in several steps. Cymbalta is a bit tougher because the pills can't be split (right? it's capsules from what I remember). When I went off of it I went from taking it every day, to taking two days on and one day off, to every other day, and so on, with each stage lasting about a week. I don't remember how low I got before I discontinued completely but, again, it was done with the supervision of my doctor. I would encourage you to get in touch with her to ask for specific instructions.

Same with the Saphris. Antipsychotics can sometimes make you feel weird for the first little bit as you adjust, but I haven't got the knowledge to judge whether or not your experience was something that will improve.

Keep us posted, Chewie!

Waffling on whether or not to post this as always, but I've got kind of a mutant new issue to address.

Has anyone here ever dealt with somnophobia? A fear of falling asleep, or being asleep in general, or dreaming?

On top of my insane anxiety, I've almost stopped sleeping. Rather, I'll sleep around 2 hours every 24 hours or so for around a week, then I'll finally be so exhausted that I'll just pass out for around 10 hours and wake up feeling amazing. The cycle starts again immediately after that. Oh, and yes, I know the health risks associated with this; all too well. It's kinda all I think about these days. I'm just never comfortable enough to sleep, and when I close my eyes my brain starts racing, begging me to get back up because if I fall asleep I won't wake up again. Which is obviously irrational, but that's what it does. or I do.

Going to doctors, medical and psychological, hasn't worked. At all. Actually, taking medicines makes it way worse because I have to fight harder to stay awake. I've never been able to meditate, or receive massages, or relax at all really. If anyone's ever dealt with this - what did you do?

I apologize if this is an ignorant question, but are you able to identify at all what it is about sleeping causes you so much fear?

I'm sorry for your tough experience. Sleep can be, well, a nightmare.

It feels like less than a day goes by right now without me falling in to some kind of low mood that I struggle to get back out of.

I feel trapped. I'm in a job that I don't particularly care about, whilst friends and family are in careers that they have always dreamed of.

I've seriously thought about teaching English abroad many times, yet the idea of having to get rid of all my possessions, the home that I live in, my cat...it terrifies me.

I feel so lost.

For what it's worth, I know several people who have had very positive experiences with teaching English abroad.

That being said, it's certainly not your only option. Are you able to keep a basic motivation to keep going through your low moods? What pulls you out of them? Do you have a sense of what sort of career you'd prefer to have?

It's me again. I wish i could say i got my ass in gear and went to see a therapist but i didn't.

And now i've had two breakdowns at work in the past two weeks. I don't even know why i can't deal with the work environment anymore. I've managed for six months but now i don't know what's changed.

Doesn't help that all day Thursday and Friday, the suicidal thoughts were almost unbearable.

I know i need help. I can't deal with this alone anymore but i just can't get myself to take the step and just call. I feel like just calling in sick tomorrow so I don't have to deal with that work environment anymore. I feel so pathetic.

Is there anything I, or anyone else here, can do to help you take that step?
Is there anything we can say to alleviate your fears?
Is there a reassurance we can offer from our own experience?
Is there some other sort of support we can contribute?

Thank you for popping back in and keeping us posted.

I think my subconscious is sabotaging me on purpose so that I have every reason to kill myself.

What is it doing?

I've been on a waiting list for the next appointment with the psychologist for some time. The last time I was in there, his receptionist mentioned that all appointments that were close by were booked, so she gave me a list of random dates and said that I'd get put onto the next free one. This was maybe early-mid May. They called me back today telling me that I have an appointment tomorrow at 11. I usually don't have much to say when I go in there because I connect everything back to my central problem of being stressed and dealing with feeling alone with a low sense of self worth. I figured I'd talk more about what I spoke about in here, with feeling that I don't do enough.

I hope your appointment went well. Is there any possibility that you'll be able to see the psychologist on a regular schedule, or will it always be play-by-ear?

I'm on week 3 of this depression cycle. Having one of those days where I don't want to keep living.

Hang in there, AHB. Is there anything we can do to help? I promise you that anything you write, I'll read.

I want to take a class this summer but I don't think it's going to happen. I had to take a pre-exam to enroll in physics which I find it stupid, and the date of the exam has passed. It's frustrating because I need to get two physics class out of the way in order to take upper division classes. I might have to wait next year to take physics because the class is closed in fall semester. Now I have to search for a job which mostly likely I will fail in doing.

Why do you feel it's likely you'll fail in finding a job?

Today has been particularly bad, I'm usually in a good mood at work since it keeps me distracted from all my troubles, but today it hasn't, it has been a drag working today. I'm typing this in the bathroom so my boss won't see me.

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out, Gray Matter. Rejection really stings. That's the thing about being in the dating scene - it's got some real highs and some real lows and there's no way to have one without the other.

I had two girls ghost me in two weeks back in January, both after agreeing to meet up. I found time to be the best remedy. With some perspective, I found that their judgment - if I was to perceive it that way - didn't hold much weight because, well, they don't know me! For all I know they just got cold feet and were beating themselves up about it.

Does anyone here have any experience with medication for anxiety and what can you tell me about the pros and cons? Thank you.

Split it into its own post.

<3 to all

 

[zeemumu]

I hope your appointment went well. Is there any possibility that you'll be able to see the psychologist on a regular schedule, or will it always be play-by-ear?

It's been play-by-ear more or less the whole time. I started making these appointments at a time where I could feel myself getting borderline suicidal and none of my friends were there/couldn't really help and my family just made things worse. I misspoke earlier, though. My appointment is tomorrow (wednesday) not today.

 

[MisterLuffy]

Why do you feel it's likely you'll fail in finding a job?

I'm picky, and I want my own hours. Also, laziness. I keep doing bad in these assessment tests after submitting applications which facilitates in whether I get an interview or not. So why bother? Even my brother gave me the talk and was wondering if I took in whatever he said? I did. But did I apply it? No. I blame myself for that. He tries to help me, yet I do the opposite. I despise myself for that and for many other things. My brother tells me to look for internships that I like, but the question is "what am I remotely interested in?". The answer is "nothing". That's also the reason why I'm not applying for internships though I do want to. I hate working in retail, but a job is a job. I need work experience and money to survive in this world. I watched this video called "Simplicity Matters by Rich Hickey" just to see if it inspires me. It didn't. It's like I haven't taken in anything he said that would help me approach difficulties like programming. I always view things that are difficult for me and never bother to break down in pieces. Similar with jobs if there's a task that's so difficult for me, I don't know how to break down in pieces. Even if I do break things down in pieces, will I understand? No. I don't have enough time to understand things when there's a due date or if I have to finish a job at a specific time. If I learn something, few seconds later I will forget it. Will I succeed? I hope so but I'm making my life so difficult that it's impossible for me to succeed.

 

[*Splinter]

Can someone with a better understanding of this stuff talk to this guy: http://m.neogaf.com/showthread.php?t=1055693&page=11

 

[jb1234]

Feeling completely useless. I had it all and now I have nothing. I don't think I'll ever stop struggling with the reality of being retired long before I wanted to be. It makes me feel like nothing I do is worth anything, like I don't contribute anything to society. I don't feel needed either, which just compounds the feelings of inadequacy. I wake up, go through the motions and then go to bed. It's meaningless.

 

[Grug]

Feeling completely useless. I had it all and now I have nothing. I don't think I'll ever stop struggling with the reality of being retired long before I wanted to be. It makes me feel like nothing I do is worth anything, like I don't contribute anything to society. I don't feel needed either, which just compounds the feelings of inadequacy. I wake up, go through the motions and then go to bed. It's meaningless.

Obviously I don't know the circumstances of your retirement, but have you considered volunteer work? Soup kitchen? Meals on Wheels? Animal shelter? A political party?

People are always needed.

 

[chronic_archaic]

Back from trip. It was shortened to three days as a compromise of either going and hoping for the best and not going at all. First night was horrible - was in a state of sickness and panic but I managed to calm down and my SO helped me get to sleep - as did quite a few medications he suggested would knock me out. Next day was a bit rough, but I made the decision to stick it out and it was well worth it. Got to go to a party which was new for me and everyone I met was cool. Next day I met friends of my boyfriend and that went well, and later on departed for home. Almost wish I stayed longer - I love him so much. I plan on visiting again, but not before getting my mental place a bit stronger. I've come across some Seroquel - not prescribed, but I have some nonetheless. They REALLY knock me out, but I worry this is a bad idea as they're not really sleep meds. Anyone know if using these up (have about 24 100mg tablets) is safe if I discontinue right after? I almost feel like I'm delving into drug abuse territory here - wondering if anyone has insight. Thanks all.

 

[Piano]

Does anyone here have any experience with medication for anxiety and what can you tell me about the pros and cons? Thank you.

Okay, so let me preface this by saying that I am not a doctor and everything I report are just my impressions and anecdotal findings. That being said, I've been on many, many medications for anxiety so I've developed a certain level of familiarity with the options that are available and how they feel - or at least how they felt to me. As always with medications, your mileage may vary in that things that worked for me don't work for others and vice versa!

There are two classes of medications that are most commonly used to treat anxiety: Benzodiazepines and SSRIs

Benzodiazepines aka "Benzos" are sort of the "classic" anti anxiety medications (Xanax, Klonopin, Valium, Ativan, etc). They are extremely effective for many people and many types of anxiety. Unfortunately they're all pretty short-acting, commonly lasting just a few hours. On top of that they can be quite habit-forming (depending on the dose and usage) and it's possible to form a problematic physical dependency or addiction. Together these two factors mean that while Benzos are undoubtedly effective and certainly the first line of treatment for extreme or short term situations (e.g. acute panic) they're not practical for long term maintenance of general, all-day anxiety.

SSRIs are more commonly used to treat anxiety these days. You've heard of many of these medications as well - Zoloft, LexaPro, Prozac, Paxil, etc. Their side effect profile is generally pretty low and dependence is much more benign than it is with Benzos - you might have some withdrawals when and if you discontinue the medication but they are generally mild. Furthermore, their effect is such that it accumulates over time and lasts all-day. All of these factors together make SSRIs a top choice for daily maintenance of general anxiety. The downside of SSRIs is that they don't target anxiety as "specifically" as Benzodiazepines do - their effect is more of a general, mild mood modification that can also alleviate anxiety.

While many people will find effective treatment just within those two classes of medication there are some types of anxiety that are better treated by other types of medications. Here are some medications that are less commonly used to treat anxiety:

Buspar (generic: Buspirone) is an anti anxiety drug that is unique and doesn't fall into any of the other categories listed here. It's very safe, with minimal risk of dependency or withdrawal, and the side effect profile is very low. Sounds great, right? The downside is that Buspar is very mixed in its effectiveness; while it works as a world-class treatment for some people and some types of anxiety it can be a placebo for others. Personally, I'm glad my doctor took a chance with prescribing me Buspar because it ended up working very well for me. Other doctors I've been to have been blown away that Buspar actually worked really well for me, and have said they don't even bother prescribing it any more. I think that's wild! It's such a mild drug, with such mild side effects and no chance of dependence - shouldn't it be worth trying in more people? Oh well, I'm just biased because it worked so well for me. It's not perfect, though - I'll talk about the effects below. Buspar can also be used quite effectively, apparently, to augment SSRIs, if it doesn't work on its own.

Atypical Anti-Psychotics (e.g. Seroquel, Risperdal) are drugs originally approved for treating schizophrenia and other psychiatric conditions but are sometimes prescribed off-label for the treatment of anxiety and depression. For general anxiety they may be a bit too heavy / intense, but if your anxiety is paired with intrusive thoughts or other difficulties a low dose of an AAP may be beneficial. It's worth noting that the doses given for anxiety and depression are, in my experience, much, much, much lower than what someone would take for schizophrenia.

Antihistamines are the anti-anxiety medication that time forgot. Yes, antihistamines! While something like Benadryl is obviously mostly used for its allergy indications more powerful antihistamines, such as Vistaril, can be effective in treating anxiety, and are generally pretty safe for short-term use. The downside is that (a) they're short acting and (b) you will likely get drowsy.

In short, there are many options! If you want to explore options for anixolytic medications (or medications for other psychiatric conditions) further I've always enjoyed reading a website called CrazyMeds. It goes above and beyond what Wikipedia or drug facts sheets will tell you about the effects of a medication and has a dose of humor to boot! Again, though, it's worth keeping in mind that your mileage may vary. If you hunt around on the internet for info about any medication - even ibuprofen - you're going to find people who hate it, love it, or burst into flames. Remember it's all anecdotal information and, ultimately, a medical professional is going to be the best resource for making medication decisions.

I have taken medications from all five categories above so I'll share some of my thoughts on how they affected me. Hopefully this is of some help. Remember these are all only my experiences!

Benzos are very, very effective. They seem to treat every "type" of anxiety but I've found them most effective for existential anxiety & panic episodes. In an acute, extreme situation like a panic attack there's nothing better. Their short term duration and addiction potential makes them impractical for daily use, though. These days I use a benzo, under strict supervision from my doctor, to treat the fear & existential anxiety I get at night. It's effective, and I'm careful never to escalate my dosage or rely too heavily on it.

SSRIs have been moderately effective in treating my general anxiety symptoms. To me their effect has been less anti-anxiety and more smoothing over my emotions in general so that anxiety never spikes with the same intensity it does without medication.

Buspar changed my life. I'm not exaggerating! It nearly eliminated my general anxiety and, along with it, my IBS. All with almost no side effects - I get sleepy for 20 minutes after I take my dose and that's it. Unfortunately, I've found it's only effective for general anxiety, not panic, not existential anxiety, not fear. For me, it's been a fantastic daily medication.

Atypical Anti-Psychotics were initially too heavy for me, causing me to sleep 11+ hours a night and things like that, but I've found that, at very low doses, they're very effective in treating my nighttime fear and my repetitive, intrusive rumination. Nigthtime & getting to sleep used to be hell, but thanks to a very low dose AAP it's now manageable.

Antihistamines were useful to me but I just couldn't get used to the fogginess. Plus they made me sleep like a rock. I can see how something like Vistaril would be effective for someone who's less sensitive to its side effects though - other than the potential drowsiness it's a very gentle medication.

It's worth saying that therapy has also been an integral part of my anxiety treatment. This medications have done a great job at minimizing my problematic symptoms but ultimately they didn't help me understand what triggers my anxiety or why I ruminate so heavily. Therapy helped with those sorts of things.

I hope this was somewhat helpful. Please do let me know if you have any questions!

 

[jb1234]

Obviously I don't know the circumstances of your retirement, but have you considered volunteer work? Soup kitchen? Meals on Wheels? Animal shelter? A political party?

People are always needed.

Yeah, I looked into it a while back but due to my poor health, I'm not really able to commit to anything on a reliable basis, which tends to turn people off.

 

[Vorheez]

Wow. Words cannot express the gratitude I have for taking the time out of your day to answer my question like you did Piano, it was tremendously helpful. I do not have any initial questions because the information was so thorough, but what I can definitely take away from it is that I want to start with buspar and work my way up! Your success with them gives me hope.

Actually, I guess I do have a question if you don't mind, what type of anxiety were you attempting to treat? Thank you again, really.

 

[Labrys]

i relapsed into self harm and. i feel like the worst person on the planet. i'd gone almost a month without doing it and then it just happened again.

i'm on wellbutrin right now but i can hardly tell it is working. i have a lot of up days but most of the time it just spirals into a down day. constant self doubt, self hate, the like

i just want to be happy again but i don't know if that'll ever happen at this point. i can't remember the last time i was legitimately really happy

 

[DrM]

First of all, I'm glad you're able to limit alcohol consumption. It's an escape, sure, but I find that once you sober up it makes life's mountains even taller. Which, of course, encourages further escape into alcohol!

Does your therapist not "get" it? Is his / her perspective simply not helpful? Or is it something else entirely?

I hope you are able to get some rest.

I can easily stop drinking if I decide so...after that experience in college and after family's issues with alcohol I know that is better to stay away from alcohol addiction

Well, she didn't totally understood my situation - low income, living at home, very grim situation with jobs.. So we were discussing this issue for three last sessions (felt like walking in the fog) and they she said that is better to make a month long break. She will reevaluate her approach to my sessions - I otherwise made quite some progress in these two months

Also no rest for the wicked, doing double work on nice, hot days - my additional income comes from trimming hedges around the village, mostly at older people that live alone. During summer I can cover my bills with this extra work.

 

[Daingurse]

Anyone have experience with Electroconvulsive Therapy? Looking into it for myself.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, I've been trying to forget about the world for awhile by dumping as much time as I can into The Witcher 3:Wild(gamecrack) Hunt.

I've been leveling out a bit, and I start my first rounds of antidepressants tonight along with an increased dosage of cyptoheptadine.

My psych put me on Lotuda, first week is 20mg and then 40mg thereafter and it's a test run to see how well it works for me before we add more meds on top of it.

I've been really trying to get past my issues, and I've been met with varying amounts of failure and success in that regard. I am hopeful that maybe things will get better, for now i just want to play MGSV, Batman, and Witcher and try to get my novel finished and hopefully published this year.

EDIT:

Does anyone here live in Colorado and practice martial arts? my therapist told me to enroll in a dojo. I wouldn't mind learning some form of martial arts or perhaps Aikido/Jeet Kune Do, Judo, or perhaps Kendo.

 

[Joe]

Two psychiatry offices near me aren't taking new patients. Four other offices haven't even bothered to return my voicemails in over a week. This is turning into quite the adventure.

Should I see a neurologist? I'm worried about being misdiagnosed, my biggest priority is to get a proper diagnosis and I'm not sure a neurologist can do that. I want to see someone regarding ADHD, OCD, and anxiety.

 

[Mike M]

Two psychiatry offices near me aren't taking new patients. Four other offices haven't even bothered to return my voicemails in over a week. This is turning into quite the adventure.

Should I see a neurologist? I'm worried about being misdiagnosed, my biggest priority is to get a proper diagnosis and I'm not sure a neurologist can do that. I want to see someone regarding ADHD, OCD, and anxiety.

I had a bitch of a time getting a psychiatrist recently. Spent hours on my insurance company's website and my phone trying to get an appointment following an event over the weekend. Places weren't accepting new patients, no longer accepted my insurance, was inpatient only, the doctor listed no longer worked there, only treated children, and one place just said they were closed and asked that I call back during business hours (which I was calling in). Finally got a place where they initially only had openings in the middle of my busiest day at work, but managed to finagle something better.

Would almost be funny if I hadn't been kinda desperate...

 

[Chaos17]

@Piano : I'm gonna consider the idea to consult again if my cure with plants will not work and search for a therapist if my mood swings don't improve. During this cure I will try things like Yoga for relaxation.

 

[Hylian7]

I'm going to cross post in the mental health thread.

I was unable to sleep for a lot of last night, I was thinking about something. I constantly have racing thoughts and I'm just now realizing it's not normal. I stay up late because I want to tire myself out so I sleep well. Otherwise if nothing is going on my mind just races and I can't stop it. It's extremely frustrating.

The other part is I feel like the life I could have had has been taken from me by this. All my life, almost every failure I've ever had in my life, is probably due in some part to this, and it makes me sad that I could have had so much more success if I wasn't like this.

Cross posting this from my ADHD thread.

 

[User 479360]

I've been up and down as of late. Happy, numb, tired, depressed.

I've been taking Cymbalta when I think of it, but just a pill here and there. Also haven't had any of the Saphris. I've been tired enough to sleep.

That said, I did take one Saphris since I last posted and I felt okay afterwards. The jitters only lasted a couple of days.

 

[Chaos17]

I'm picky, and I want my own hours. Also, laziness. I keep doing bad in these assessment tests after submitting applications which facilitates in whether I get an interview or not. So why bother? Even my brother gave me the talk and was wondering if I took in whatever he said? I did. But did I apply it? No. I blame myself for that. He tries to help me, yet I do the opposite. I despise myself for that and for many other things. My brother tells me to look for internships that I like, but the question is "what am I remotely interested in?". The answer is "nothing". That's also the reason why I'm not applying for internships though I do want to. I hate working in retail, but a job is a job. I need work experience and money to survive in this world. I watched this video called "Simplicity Matters by Rich Hickey" just to see if it inspires me. It didn't. It's like I haven't taken in anything he said that would help me approach difficulties like programming. I always view things that are difficult for me and never bother to break down in pieces. Similar with jobs if there's a task that's so difficult for me, I don't know how to break down in pieces. Even if I do break things down in pieces, will I understand? No. I don't have enough time to understand things when there's a due date or if I have to finish a job at a specific time. If I learn something, few seconds later I will forget it. Will I succeed? I hope so but I'm making my life so difficult that it's impossible for me to succeed.

You're too hard on yourself even if you keep saying the contrary.
Also everyone has something they like, it's up to you to turn it into a job or not.
Yes, it's hard to get motivated, it's hard to have faith in life but like you said it yourself you need money and experience to be able to live your life (I'm in the same situation).

Sorry if my words hurt you, my first language isn't english but I'm just there trying to tell you "be brave, you can do it. Your brother is still beleiving and loving you. If you can't love your self enough to move on, then let him loves you until you're strong enough to get up on your own".

Don't let that situation continue because it might (in the long term) grow in you bad complex feelings.

 

[zeemumu]

I had my appointment today. It went well. He mostly mentioned that it's all up to how well I'm able to deal with things as opposed to imagining everything happy positive all the time because that's unrealistic. Dealing with depression allows me to stay in the neutral ground and I need to build on it from there to get into the positive and spend as little time in the negative as possible, even though it seem easier to just stay in the depression.

 

[MisterLuffy]

You're too hard on yourself even if you keep saying the contrary.
Also everyone has something they like, it's up to you to turn it into a job or not.
Yes, it's hard to get motivated, it's hard to have faith in life but like you said it yourself you need money and experience to be able to live your life (I'm in the same situation).

Sorry if my words hurt you, my first language isn't english but I'm just there trying to tell you "be brave, you can do it. Your brother is still beleiving and loving you. If you can't love your self enough to move on, then let him loves you until you're strong enough to get up on your own".

Don't let that situation continue because it might (in the long term) grow in you bad complex feelings.

It's fine. I hate being this way and I'm not very good at overcoming my weaknesses.

 

[Ashes]

I had my appointment today. It went well. He mostly mentioned that it's all up to how well I'm able to deal with things as opposed to imagining everything happy positive all the time because that's unrealistic. Dealing with depression allows me to stay in the neutral ground and I need to build on it from there to get into the positive and spend as little time in the negative as possible, even though it seem easier to just stay in the depression.

That's real good advice.Turning around the mindset is key I feel.

 

[Sevarus]

Does anyone have any ideas for addressing guilt during periods of relaxation?

During the school year, I really push myself to work as hard as I can, as often as I can. I'm always busy, and though it can feel stressful sometimes (and I honestly don't have a lot of time to unwind or hang out with friends), it feels really good to be doing things that feel productive.

But now the semester is over, I am officially on summer vacation, and I find myself caught in a cycle of "You need to be working on something. No! You need to be relaxing!" When I try to relax, to do things that are supposed to be fun, like read fiction, watch a movie, anything, there is a nagging voice in my head telling me that I ought to do "something productive." Then, when I try to do something productive (working through my textbooks for next semester, exercising, learning Spanish, things like that), my mind says hey, this is your time to relax, why are you working?

So I get stuck in this guilt loop; I end up doing nothing all day that's either productive OR relaxing (usually just mindlessly bouncing around GAF and Reddit), and feeling miserable over it.

I thought maybe writing up a schedule to follow would be good, because my mind loves structure and predictability, but it didn't work the way I planned. Even with designated "work" and "play" times, my brain still cut in with "you should be relaxing/working!" respectively.

 

[Kipp]

Does anyone have any ideas for addressing guilt during periods of relaxation?

During the school year, I really push myself to work as hard as I can, as often as I can. I'm always busy, and though it can feel stressful sometimes (and I honestly don't have a lot of time to unwind or hang out with friends), it feels really good to be doing things that feel productive.

But now the semester is over, I am officially on summer vacation, and I find myself caught in a cycle of "You need to be working on something. No! You need to be relaxing!" When I try to relax, to do things that are supposed to be fun, like read fiction, watch a movie, anything, there is a nagging voice in my head telling me that I ought to do "something productive." Then, when I try to do something productive (working through my textbooks for next semester, exercising, learning Spanish, things like that), my mind says hey, this is your time to relax, why are you working?

So I get stuck in this guilt loop; I end up doing nothing all day that's either productive OR relaxing (usually just mindlessly bouncing around GAF and Reddit), and feeling miserable over it.

I thought maybe writing up a schedule to follow would be good, because my mind loves structure and predictability, but it didn't work the way I planned. Even with designated "work" and "play" times, my brain still cut in with "you should be relaxing/working!" respectively.

This has been a huge issue for me in the past as well. It'd be great to see if someone has some advice. But yeah, I totally know how you feel. It's incredibly frustrating.
Luckily its eased up quite a bit alongside all of my other symptoms due to the SSRIs, but it's still an issue at times.

 

[Sevarus]

This has been a huge issue for me in the past as well. It'd be great to see if someone has some advice. But yeah, I totally know how you feel. It's incredibly frustrating.
Luckily its eased up quite a bit alongside all of my other symptoms due to the SSRIs, but it's still an issue at times.

I'm glad it's eased up a bit for you! I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 14 (so, 11 years ago), but I haven't been on antidepressant medication in 6 years. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back on it or not (I went through a few different kinds and combinations, but never hit the "sweet spot").

Like all things, it comes and goes. Yesterday was a bad day. Today has been better.

 

[Kipp]

I'm glad it's eased up a bit for you! I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 14 (so, 11 years ago), but I haven't been on antidepressant medication in 6 years. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back on it or not (I went through a few different kinds and combinations, but never hit the "sweet spot").

Like all things, it comes and goes. Yesterday was a bad day. Today has been better.

Thanks!
I'm sorry to hear that you never found something that really worked. I'm so lucky that my first SSRI was right on the money.
It could be worth a try to test out a new medication though if it's been 6 years since you were on one last. There's not much to lose and there's a lot to gain.
Glad to hear that today is going better for you! Hopefully that keeps up.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Second day of medication and I feel incredible.

That is all.

 

[Kipp]

Second day of medication and I feel incredible.

That is all.

Awesome! So glad to hear it! You've come such a long way just since a month or so ago, man. Congratulations!

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Awesome! So glad to hear it! You've come such a long way just since a month or so ago, man. Congratulations!

Thanks Kip, it's quite a relief.

 

[Kipp]

Thanks Kip, it's quite a relief.

I feel you there.
There's seriously nothing better than feeling good after feeling bad for so long.

 

[MikeDip]

Paranoia running rampant today woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(sarcastic woo, it's not a good thing)

 

[zeemumu]

Paranoia running rampant today woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(sarcastic woo, it's not a good thing)

I had one of those moments today. Sat down in a quiet section of the library and cleared my head while I addressed each paranoid thought individually with a reason why it's bullshit followed by an over exaggerated joke to calm me down so the reason stuck. Your brain can't accept reason and logic while it's panicked.

 

[smokeandmirrors]

I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm so stressed and anxious about it that all I want to do is crawl up under my covers and avoid life, which is basically what i've been doing for the past 6 months :\

I do have an appointment with my doctor early next week though so hopefully I can get some of my concentration and anxiety issues figured out.

 

[Mike M]

Second day of medication and I feel incredible.

That is all.

I was on Welbutrin back in college, and literally the next day was the best I had felt in living memory. Which made me wonder how much was placebo effect and how much of my problems were really just all in my head and not abnormal brain chemistry after all.

Had an intake appointment today, and she recommended I get back on meds. She's not a psychiatrist though, so she can't prescribe me any herself. I have to go to my general practitioner, get a physical, and get a script from them. Or more likely, a referral to a specialist who would give me one.

Annoying series of hoops to jump through, but to go back to feeling like I did that morning in college again, I'd probably do worse.

 

[Canon]

Had a terrible fever dream / nightmare last night followed by feeling detached from the world, as in everything was just part of a nightmare even when I was awake. I still feel detached. Being isolated doesn't help but even around people it doesn't feel real. It also doesn't help I have visual snow meaning everything looks like there's film grain on everything, nothing looks like a real object but instead something filmed with a camera.

Could be a combination of my sleeping pills (zopiclone, been on it for years) and Baclofen (for anxiety). But I usually don't have these symptoms, only rarely (couple times per year).

Could also be caused from eating fruit (blueberries) / being horny* before bed. *Not related to the fruit. Dick problems, I have them.

Could also be the peanut butter and banana sandwich, I don't know if it's coincidence that I sometimes feel like this after eating that prior times.

I need to get out and live life outside and hopefully cut down on the sleeping pills... but not sure if that will help or just make things worse.

 

[zeemumu]

I got home and my mom mentioned that she's "never seen me sweat," meaning that she's never seen me panic about something. The reality is that I just have an excellent poker face. If I showed an ounce of how worried I usually am about everything I'd look like a nervous wreck.

 

[Piano]

Back from trip. It was shortened to three days as a compromise of either going and hoping for the best and not going at all. First night was horrible - was in a state of sickness and panic but I managed to calm down and my SO helped me get to sleep - as did quite a few medications he suggested would knock me out. Next day was a bit rough, but I made the decision to stick it out and it was well worth it. Got to go to a party which was new for me and everyone I met was cool. Next day I met friends of my boyfriend and that went well, and later on departed for home. Almost wish I stayed longer - I love him so much. I plan on visiting again, but not before getting my mental place a bit stronger. I've come across some Seroquel - not prescribed, but I have some nonetheless. They REALLY knock me out, but I worry this is a bad idea as they're not really sleep meds. Anyone know if using these up (have about 24 100mg tablets) is safe if I discontinue right after? I almost feel like I'm delving into drug abuse territory here - wondering if anyone has insight. Thanks all.

First of all, I'm glad you were able to navigate through your trip and locate some positive experiences. Travel can be hell! I hope it gave you just a bit more confidence that you can feel the next time you're able to travel

Re: the Seroquel. I strongly, strongly, strongly, strongly recommend that you do not use antipsychotics without the supervision of a medical professional. In my experience discontinuation wasn't a big thing other than some rebound in symptoms, but these are heavy medications, especially at the doses you're referring to. They can hit you hard. I was on Seroquel for a spell at only HALF the dose you're talking and for the first two weeks it had me sleeping so hard that I would wake up after 11 hours with body aches because I had not moved at all in my sleep. And I was still tired! The first week was especially rough, it felt like my brain was mush all the time.

While both of those effects did improve greatly with time and Seroquel was eventually somewhat helpful to me I must again reiterate that this is not stuff you want to be messing with without a doctor's supervision! Even if it knocks you out ... there's a possibility, especially at that dose, that it'll make you sleep SO hard that you'll be super tired anyways.

Sorry to be so firm!

Is there any way you could consult with a doctor?

Yeah, I looked into it a while back but due to my poor health, I'm not really able to commit to anything on a reliable basis, which tends to turn people off.

It seems to me that in an area such as volunteer work there must be folks who would be sympathetic to your condition and able to deal with the instability of it. Have you brought it up with any of them?

Hang in there jb.

Wow. Words cannot express the gratitude I have for taking the time out of your day to answer my question like you did Piano, it was tremendously helpful. I do not have any initial questions because the information was so thorough, but what I can definitely take away from it is that I want to start with buspar and work my way up! Your success with them gives me hope.

Actually, I guess I do have a question if you don't mind, what type of anxiety were you attempting to treat? Thank you again, really.

First of all, let me again reiterate that just because Buspar worked so well for me doesn't mean it will be your miracle solution! I've gathered that the reason doctors go with SSRIs most of the time is because they've found them, in their experience, to be most effective.

(to be honest, I'm anxious about someone taking my word as gospel and then being upset / getting disillusioned when my experience doesn't sync up with theirs)

Which segues into my anxiety. What type of anxiety? Well, anxiety is so different for everyone, so I can only speak to my own experience. I've found myself to have several types of anxiety over the past couple of years.

General anxiety, for lack of a better term, is what originally drove me to a doctor and got me put on Buspar. I was so beleaguered with constantly ruminating and agonizing about everything that I couldn't function. I spent forever in the cereal aisle agonizing over what to buy. I didn't leave my apartment for days at a time, missing class while dishes piled up in the sink. There were so many things I just couldn't "deal with" (like washing dishes, or going out with friends) and I couldn't explain why. Additionally, the constant, severe anxiety gave me daily issues with my GI system, be it heart burn, nausea, stomach pain, bloating, diarrhea, etc. Over the course of the ~9 months this was getting worse I slowly withdrew from most things and spent more and more time in my apartment, vaping tons of weed, playing Team Fortress 2, trying to block everything out. I was paralyzed by anxiety! There was quite a bit of depression-y stuff underneath the anxiety too, so when I got on Buspar and the noise (mostly) went away I was relieved I could finally focus on why I hated myself so much and things like that.

Fear, I learned, is a whole different ball game. Both existential anxiety and panic / existential crises subsets of fear I've had a lot of trouble with. While treating my general anxiety was pretty straightforward these have been a challenge to figure out. I've found SSRIs, Benzodiazepnies and Atypical Antipsychotics to be helpful in different ways. I'm not longer having 2-4 hour episodes of mind-melting fear at the emptyness of the universe and the meaninglessness of all being so, hey, I consider that progress.

Social Anxiety is also its own thing, I've learned, and one that isn't directly treatable by medication. Sure, alleviating the symptoms of my general anxiety and my fear has helped with navigating my social anxiety but social anxiety is, well, social, and for me it's rooted in the way I think about things and how I relate to other people. These are not things that medication can change. Rather, one must learn one's own behavioral patterns and work to change them.

So I guess I've attempted to treat all of those at various points, to varying degrees of success.

Again, let me know if you have any questions!

i relapsed into self harm and. i feel like the worst person on the planet. i'd gone almost a month without doing it and then it just happened again.

i'm on wellbutrin right now but i can hardly tell it is working. i have a lot of up days but most of the time it just spirals into a down day. constant self doubt, self hate, the like

i just want to be happy again but i don't know if that'll ever happen at this point. i can't remember the last time i was legitimately really happy

Can you pinpoint what it is that sends you into the bad days? Are they random, or is there often some sort of catalyst?
Is there someone close by, whether therapist, friend, or family member with which you can discuss your self harm?
Stay strong, Labrys.

I can easily stop drinking if I decide so...after that experience in college and after family's issues with alcohol I know that is better to stay away from alcohol addiction

Well, she didn't totally understood my situation - low income, living at home, very grim situation with jobs.. So we were discussing this issue for three last sessions (felt like walking in the fog) and they she said that is better to make a month long break. She will reevaluate her approach to my sessions - I otherwise made quite some progress in these two months

Also no rest for the wicked, doing double work on nice, hot days - my additional income comes from trimming hedges around the village, mostly at older people that live alone. During summer I can cover my bills with this extra work.

The situation sounds quite promising then, especially if your therapist has the self-awareness to notice when she needs to reevaluate her approach to your sessions. Wow! I've never had a therapist do that. That's so interesting.

I hope you are able to reflect during the next month as well, hot as the days may be, and continue your trend of progress

Anyone have experience with Electroconvulsive Therapy? Looking into it for myself.

I have not had any personal experience with ECT, but I do know that while effective, it is generally reserved for those who have not responded to the many other forms of treatment. My understanding has been that it is never done without a thorough review and recommendation by a doctor. Do you have a psychiatrist or doctor with which to discuss the options?

Two psychiatry offices near me aren't taking new patients. Four other offices haven't even bothered to return my voicemails in over a week. This is turning into quite the adventure.

Should I see a neurologist? I'm worried about being misdiagnosed, my biggest priority is to get a proper diagnosis and I'm not sure a neurologist can do that. I want to see someone regarding ADHD, OCD, and anxiety.

I would stick to looking for psychiatrists; neurologist is a sort of different sub-specialty. Can you look on your health insurer's website for a list of providers covered in your area? When I was looking for a new doc I was able to get a list of everyone within x miles and just started calling them one by one.

Also, sometimes you can ask doctors who are full for a reference to someone else, and then mention that reference to the new person. That's how I ended up finding my second doctor in college, and she was great.

It's definitely a drag. Do anything you can to encourage yourself to keep at it!

Cross posting this from my ADHD thread.

Our lives could have been so many other lives had we done so many things differently. This is not only reserved for setbacks or difficulties! But what's important to consider is that without the life you've lived you would not be you, and you would not have this experience and perspective. You've got many, many years ahead of you in which you can continue to define and redefine what your life is; I would say it's a bit soon to write a conclusion to the whole adventure. I hope you are able to slowly begin looking forward rather than back.

I've been up and down as of late. Happy, numb, tired, depressed.

I've been taking Cymbalta when I think of it, but just a pill here and there. Also haven't had any of the Saphris. I've been tired enough to sleep.

That said, I did take one Saphris since I last posted and I felt okay afterwards. The jitters only lasted a couple of days.

Have you received any clearer instructions from the doc on what to do with the Cymbalta and Saprhis?
I'm glad you've had at least some moments of happiness

I had my appointment today. It went well. He mostly mentioned that it's all up to how well I'm able to deal with things as opposed to imagining everything happy positive all the time because that's unrealistic. Dealing with depression allows me to stay in the neutral ground and I need to build on it from there to get into the positive and spend as little time in the negative as possible, even though it seem easier to just stay in the depression.

That sounds like some very valuable perspective. I'm so glad your appointment went well! Is this someone you're going to be seeing regularly?

It's fine. I hate being this way and I'm not very good at overcoming my weaknesses.

If they were easy to overcome they wouldn't be your weaknesses. To have weaknesses is human, and to seek help in overcoming them is sensible.

From what you've written it sounds as if your hatred of yourself is a strong factor in what you perceive as weaknesses. Perhaps if it were lessened these things wouldn't be the cataclysmic weaknesses you feel they are. Perhaps your attitude toward yourself is a good place to start working, then?

Does anyone have any ideas for addressing guilt during periods of relaxation?

Yes, I've had similar feelings. I learned I had to meet myself halfway - organize / goal orient my life to a certain degree but also give myself a break to a certain degree.

I've found it helpful, personally, to make lists of goals for my time off, sometimes organized into short / medium / long term goals, and then break those down further into understanding how I can chip away at them daily. I then consult that list when planning out my days so I'm never at a loss of what I "should" be doing.

Over my winter break this year I kind of went too far with it, though. At the start of the break I swore off video games and decided to see if I could eliminate ALL "down time" from my days. I became quite structured and productive - set up a daily exercise regimen, doubled down on my meditation practice, finished a few books I'd started, reorganized my stuff, went out to parks more often, etc. In some ways it was great but I found that it was, well, too much of a good thing. It turns out we need that dead time in our days. We need to give our brains a break. We need a chance to process our thoughts and emotions and reflect on our lives. I managed to stress myself out by over-organizing my free time.

So perhaps you could start organizing your free time with some objectives but be conscious of where that middle ground may be.

Second day of medication and I feel incredible.

That is all.

YAYYYY!!!!!!!!!

I was on Welbutrin back in college, and literally the next day was the best I had felt in living memory.

I had a similar experience. Told a few friends I had "never felt so good" and that I had finally "woken up." Turns out I was hypomanic (yikes!). Gotta be careful with the more activating drugs.

Had an intake appointment today, and she recommended I get back on meds. She's not a psychiatrist though, so she can't prescribe me any herself. I have to go to my general practitioner, get a physical, and get a script from them. Or more likely, a referral to a specialist who would give me one.

Annoying series of hoops to jump through, but to go back to feeling like I did that morning in college again, I'd probably do worse.

The hoops are annoying but every hoop is progress. I hope you keep us posted!

I need to get out and live life outside and hopefully cut down on the sleeping pills... but not sure if that will help or just make things worse.

How do you think getting out and doing some things could make it worse?

I got home and my mom mentioned that she's "never seen me sweat," meaning that she's never seen me panic about something. The reality is that I just have an excellent poker face. If I showed an ounce of how worried I usually am about everything I'd look like a nervous wreck.

If an ounce is too much too soon, could you aim for a quarter ounce?

<3

 

[zeemumu]

That sounds like some very valuable perspective. I'm so glad your appointment went well! Is this someone you're going to be seeing regularly?


If an ounce is too much too soon, could you aim for a quarter ounce?

I think I've been making these appointments for about 5 months or so. They've definitely been helping, but I feel like I should prepare for the point where I need to start handling things on my own. That's the point that I want to get to.