Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
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When I was taking lessons, my crotchety teacher would punish me for not practicing by smacking my hands with a ruler. Get me in a room with you and that digital piano and I'll get you properly motivated.
Seriously though, music is the one thing that really fights depression for me. I know it can be hard to get up there and do the work but man, I always feel so accomplished when I do.
Ive always admired musicians and artists. Piano music is so beautiful. I play at least 40 mins a day but some days i dont practice even tho i have nothing else to do. Then i hate myself, like today for example.
As ive said ive been this way so long its normal to me. There are lots of reasons why im this way im sure. I just dont really care about anything. I used to be really big into hip hop but now it just makes me sick. I see the negative in everything. That would probably be one of my biggest issues
I also have chronic back and neck pain. The physical pain is one thing but i feel it wears more on my mind than on my body. Ive started working out as my doctor thinks its mostly muscular weakness and i have felt some improvement so theres that at least.
Team Alucard
Banned
I feel you. I'm tired of living as well and have been for quite some time. 18 more months and I'll be free of this shit. Hopefully.
Omega Ultimus
Member
EDIT: Just saw your new post, I'll reply to that instead in a bit.
I have never seen a therapist. I used to have a female friend who would tell me i need to see one but i never took it to heart. Ive looked into it but i dont know how to go about choosing one. I would also only be able to go on weekends. I assume there are therapists who work weekends but i always find a way to just brush aside my problems and responsibilities.
Edit: meant to quote omega
Edit: meant to quote omega
dehalcyone
Banned
You're not necessarily being forced; people will impose their restrictions on you, however, should they feel inclined to do so based on their values. If someone who has no desire to off themself is confronted by someone who does- reasoning aside- they're naturally going to draw a conclusion that supports the differences in thinking that way. Usually, red flags that something isn't right because, well, they cannot relate.
That might've come off a little dickish, but please try and believe me when I say that wasn't my intent. I've felt similar (the wanting to disappear without the attention, maybe even permanently)- ocassionally still do. The conclusion I came to with regards to feeling those emotions was to stop, consider the aftermath: are there people who care that I'm ignoring? Would my leave have any impact? Positive, neg? Can I remove myself from that situation on my own accord without going to an extreme? Each and every time I actually found myself feeling a bit guilty for considering suicide. Not because of some "life is valuable and shouldn't be wasted" optimistic cookie tip, speech, etc. Simply because, as someone who tried to relate their situation with others (professionals, family and even strangers), I realized depression and anxiety are far too large in scope to blanket. It wasn't fair to assume other people don't try to get it, or all outright incapable. That's no better than someone dismissing a feeling, depressive, pain related or whatever. It's just unrealistic.
I don't know what expectations your family has that are causing that sort of anxiety, but before you make any rash decisions, I strongly recommend approaching someone who isn't a doc or directly involved and get their perspective. Someone with completely unknown expectations. You will have to hunt for someone that you allow yourself to open up to, not gonna sugar coat it. You may never meet that helpful person, but who can say what will come from searching for that alternative.
I hope I don't get banned for saying this, but suicide is always an option to consider tomorrow. IMHO, never a good one, but if drilling that availability ito your mindset gets you even twenty four hours more time to consider things, it's worth it. That's the sad reality of being a species who can relate to many things yet often views most things in relation to their current life.
If ya ever wanna just shoot shit, feel free to pm me. I won't judge - and even if I did, would it matter if you could take something positive away?
Omega Ultimus
Member
You should really consider giving it a shot. Having someone to talk to and go through what you're dealing with, even if only for once a week, can have a tremendous impact on your mental outlook. In the fight against depression, you need to evaluate all of your options, if you truly want to be happier. It can be daunting, and tiring, but likely worth it; at the very least, they will help guide you into more social activities and give you hope that you are not alone-I know it may seem unhelpful at first, but having a community support you can make life seem a little more manageable and worth all of its troubles.
To start, here's some advice, although other members may have more direct/valuable input:
http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/choose-therapist.aspx
I've spent the last 4 days visiting my best friend, who lives 5 and a half hours away. While I was there it was great. I hung out with her and her wife and her wife's friends and we were always out doing something. So I left to come back at 11AM yesterday, and now that I'm back, everything feels kinda foreign and meh. That was the most social interaction that I've had in months, and it's weird to go back to very rare social interaction.
She's also been pushing for me to find a girlfriend so we can all so double dates or something, but I don't really find anyone if interest. And even when I do, I don't approach them or say anything because I don't want to be awkward or creepy towards someone. I'm not sure how to handle talking to complete strangers from a dating standpoint. Most of my friends meet people through other friends, but most of the time I'm already friends with my friends' friends. I'm taking a more active role in doing things but that's been bugging me for a bit. I need to unstick myself from this,rut while I'm in college. Needing money for college is what's preventing me from moving out.
She's also been pushing for me to find a girlfriend so we can all so double dates or something, but I don't really find anyone if interest. And even when I do, I don't approach them or say anything because I don't want to be awkward or creepy towards someone. I'm not sure how to handle talking to complete strangers from a dating standpoint. Most of my friends meet people through other friends, but most of the time I'm already friends with my friends' friends. I'm taking a more active role in doing things but that's been bugging me for a bit. I need to unstick myself from this,rut while I'm in college. Needing money for college is what's preventing me from moving out.
Ally of Justice
Member
I'm fearing my depression may be something bigger.
Lately, I've had speech problems (it is between stuttering and not being able to pronounce words correctly) and problems with my hands/fingers (I tried giving a small bone to my chihuahua dog and I couldn't let my fingers together in order to give it so I ended up dropping it or showed my mom something in my phone but my hand didn't stop trembling)
I'm too afraid to go to the doctor and, also, I don't have money to. I'm barely scraping by and my self esteem is so low that I can only think "Why even bother?"
I'm afraid...
Lately, I've had speech problems (it is between stuttering and not being able to pronounce words correctly) and problems with my hands/fingers (I tried giving a small bone to my chihuahua dog and I couldn't let my fingers together in order to give it so I ended up dropping it or showed my mom something in my phone but my hand didn't stop trembling)
I'm too afraid to go to the doctor and, also, I don't have money to. I'm barely scraping by and my self esteem is so low that I can only think "Why even bother?"
I'm afraid...
Whoops. Forgot to post in this thread tonight almost. So many things to do!
Tomorrow will be my first session with a psychiatrist. It's my first ever therapy session ever, so I'm a bit nervous for it. I also have a lot going on before the appointment so it will be a hectic day.
Tomorrow will be my first session with a psychiatrist. It's my first ever therapy session ever, so I'm a bit nervous for it. I also have a lot going on before the appointment so it will be a hectic day.
Omega Ultimus
Member
Check if your insurance covers any therapy providers in the area. See if there are any mental health community centers that offer free therapy. If there are any local universities nearby, you can probably set something up with a therapy training clinic.
This isn't something you should ignore, please get help. If anything, you can talk to us here.
borborygmus
Member
I was abused as a kid (in various ways, by various people...) and ended up forgiving one of my abusers. I don't know if this will help you, but these were the factors I considered in forgiving that person:
• Age: the person was a teenager. I recognize that people develop at different rates, and a huge part of who you are as a teen comes straight from your parents. My abuser was a confused mess of a person.
• Repetition: was it a one time "mistake" or a constant behavior? The longer it was going on, the more likely it was deliberate and not the result of confusion (although long term confusion is still possible). In my case, this person did it only once and was immediately distressed at having done it.
• Intent: this one is hard to determine. But I think of it like: was the person's goal to hurt me? Or was it not even about me? I think it was not truly about me in my abuser's mind. That doesn't mitigate the damage done to me, but that does make it more likely to be a mental illness than a deliberate crime.
• Reconciling my feelings with my belief that most criminal behavior is due to mental illness. There are so many things that cause people to engage in criminal behavior, e.g. Histamine H3 can induce schizophrenia and criminality, blood sugar fluctuations can make you violent/intoxicated, mineral and vitamin deficiencies can make you violent, etc. This is very hard to accept, but I really believe that we are all driven by chemicals to some extent and they can get the better of us, especially when we are younger.
I was also repeatedly abused and tormented for years (constantly threatened with knives by a close family member, in secret from anyone else) by another person. I ended up forgiving this person, but it was much harder and took a lot longer. The reasoning here is that she lived through a war and I suspect she has serious PTSD.
I don't know if this is helpful for you or not, but this is the way I think about it, and I'm somewhat at peace now.
Resumed my therapy sessions today. She really did change whole approach and she took out her theory from month ago and so we are now focusing on how to cope with current situation, mostly with job issues (I told her that I currently do not need any 'preaching' about relationships, because I decided that I will stay single for some time)
Oh and being in great physical shape really helps - yesterday went hiking into the mountains with my dad, 10 km trek with 1900 meters of altitude difference (950 up and down) in three hours and I have zero muscle pain today.
Oh and being in great physical shape really helps - yesterday went hiking into the mountains with my dad, 10 km trek with 1900 meters of altitude difference (950 up and down) in three hours and I have zero muscle pain today.
Well, it depends on what type of doctor you saw and how the situation played out. You saw GP, right? Sometimes they can be a bit clueless with mental health stuff so it can be beneficial to see a dedicated mental health practitioner like a psychiatrist or psychologist. Your GP can likely give you a referral, or you can get a list of covered providers from your insurance.
A therapist is there to help you break down your problems into smaller and smaller pieces until you are able to work at them. I definitely wouldn't base your entire opinion of therapy on a school counseling center; they can sometimes be rote in their approaches.
What I'm trying to say is that a therapist is there to help you learn how to help yourself! If therapy was only for people who were able to figure shit out on their own ... why would they need therapy?
I think therapy could be tremendously helpful and I strongly encourage you to look into finding a therapist who works for you, MisterLuffy.
One would wonder whether self sufficiency is something that could be worked at in therapy, no?
Also, therapists can be receptive to you letting them know you need them to "get on your case" more.
I'm so glad to hear you were able to open up
I hope you continue to find clarity and peace of mind.
Drinking definitely doesn't help.
Is there anything we can do to help, Windam?
I'm sorry you're suffering.
I think it's quite interesting that you think approaching a potential romantic interest or striking up a conversation should be avoided for fear of it being creepy. Surely there must be a non-creepy, non-threatening way to do it, right?
Awkward is avoidable too. In my experience, awkward happens when you resist uncomfortable. If you're able to be comfortable with being uncomfortable than awkward is greatly minimized.
Please go see a doctor immediately!
I hope it went well, Lemaitre!
I'm so glad to hear that your therapist was able to mix up her approach for the better
. Hopefully the results will be promising.And damn, you're in much better shape than I am. That sounds like a hell of a hike, and one I'd definitely be wrecked after.
<3
I guess if I don't worry about being awkward I'll be fine, but it's weird how my mind works. I'm aware of the rational answers to everything, but somehow anxiety overrides those and prevents me from thinking straight because my mind is now full of irrational fear. My fear has never been about getting rejected or embarrassed in front of a single person. That I can deal with and doesn't bother me in the slightest. My fear has been of word of that embarrassment/rejection spreading, which I know is irrational because most people don't care about what goes on in the lives of non-famous people who aren't part of their lives. I feel like it might be residual issues left over from the fact that my family is a family of gossipers who do not keep anything private. Anything spoken about around them is free game for conversations at parties and on the phone and to other family members. That's typically why I don't talk to my family about problems, and why I chose to speak to a professional instead: because I know that anything that I tell them, they'll tell to someone else.
Team Alucard
Banned
I've been having some really bad road rage lately, which is odd because I haven't found myself being more easily irritated in other situations, only when driving.
smokeandmirrors
Banned
I know it's probably just the medicine but I kinda just feel empty. No real strong feelings either way. Maybe it's just because I'm exhausted and haven't gotten a good night sleep in a while.
How long have you been on your meds?
smokeandmirrors
Banned
Tomorrow it will have been a week. I was told 4-6 weeks for any changes so i'm not too worried, just a weird feeling.
Ah okay. That would be the side effects then. I had really bad fatigue/tiredness and increased depression for the first couple weeks. It's certainly not fun, but it's also nothing to be concerned about in the long term. It's perfectly normal to experience that.
MisterLuffy
Member
I started working yesterday for 4 hours, it felt like a long time. But tomorrow I'm going to work 6 hours and 45 minutes, Friday: 7 hours, and Saturday: 8 hours
It's going to be a disaster for me. I mean I did okay yesterday, but it wasn't enough. There's a lot to learn which I haven't got to that point. Like answering customer's questions, finding the sizes of their items, being open to other people, learning the options from the cashier, etc.
I wish I worked where I just do cashier and just saying "Hi, how are you?" then "Thanks for shopping, and have a nice day"
Customer service is not for me.
It's going to be a disaster for me. I mean I did okay yesterday, but it wasn't enough. There's a lot to learn which I haven't got to that point. Like answering customer's questions, finding the sizes of their items, being open to other people, learning the options from the cashier, etc.
I wish I worked where I just do cashier and just saying "Hi, how are you?" then "Thanks for shopping, and have a nice day"
Customer service is not for me.
Of course it felt like a long time - it was your first day! Jobs are naturally going to be overwhelming for the first little bit while we adjust to it.
I know it's tempting to draw final, ultimate conclusions about what you're capable of based off of one day's experience but I would encourage you to consider the human mind's incredible ability to adjust to new circumstances, and to make what was once incredible simply "normal" or at least more "normal" than it was.
Had my first psychiatric appointment today. Will update later with more detailed information but it was great and insightful! It was scary to schedule the thing but anyone on the fence should just go right ahead and do it (for any kind of mental health treatment).
Worst case scenario you get a terrible professional but the upside is worth a shot.
Worst case scenario you get a terrible professional but the upside is worth a shot.
MisterLuffy
Member
I'm hoping that I get a shadow buddy tomorrow. For some reason whenever I have work the next day, I feel uneasy. Since the Warriors won, tomorrow is going to be busy
Success story:
After calling every psychiatrist around me and not being able to get an appointment at any point in 2015 I went back to my family doctor, the same doctor that had ignored my "concentration issues" that I brought up to him just a month before. He was literally my last option.
To make sure he took me seriously this timeI did two things. One, I specifically made the appointment for ADHD and axiety unlike last time when I made an appointment for "constant fatigue, cant concentrate, anxiety". Two, I brought notes with me. I have been making a list of all symptoms I feel whenever they arise or whenever I read something clicks with me.
We meet and asks me some standard questions. Then he gets to "how long have you been noticing this?" I say "for as long as I can remember I've been easily distracted and procrastinate constantly". That's when his eyebrows raised from his laptop and started taking me more seriously. He gave me an Adult ADHD questionnaire of about 20 questions, I answered completely honestly because I want a proper diagnosis and I ended up answering almost every question with "very often".
After asking me a ton of questions, and reviewing my answers he said that I have ADHD and it is pretty severe. For a long time I had thought to myself that I had very severe ADHD but I didn't bring it up to him because I wanted a proper, unbiased diagnosis and I didn't want it to seem like I was just fishing for Adderall. So when he said the word "severe" I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders, I guess because deep down inside I had doubted myself and was always worried that I was just using it as a crutch.
So he prescribed me Adderall XR 20mg. I haven't even picked up the medicine yet, I have no clue how it will make me feel but I'm in the best mood ever. It's on my record, I'm not crazy, everything I've thought to myself feels validated now. That small step is a HUGE success story for me. It brings me back to when I was 9 and learning what procrastinate means and immediately identifying with it, and being 14 and learning what ADD was and immediately identifying with it.
So, even after all of this, I brought up my anxiety and OCD issues and he brushed them off completely. I'm learning that this guy really only likes to treat one issue at a time, and maybe your doctor is like that too.
If you've previously had issues getting your message across to your regular doctor before and can't see a psychiatrist then I highly suggest trying to make a VERY specific appointment with your doctor for ONE issue, then describe how it affects your day-to-day life, how it affects you from achieving your goals, and come in with notes. It might make all the difference because then he/she will have no choice but to hear what you have to say and what you are saying will be loud and clear.
After calling every psychiatrist around me and not being able to get an appointment at any point in 2015 I went back to my family doctor, the same doctor that had ignored my "concentration issues" that I brought up to him just a month before. He was literally my last option.
To make sure he took me seriously this timeI did two things. One, I specifically made the appointment for ADHD and axiety unlike last time when I made an appointment for "constant fatigue, cant concentrate, anxiety". Two, I brought notes with me. I have been making a list of all symptoms I feel whenever they arise or whenever I read something clicks with me.
We meet and asks me some standard questions. Then he gets to "how long have you been noticing this?" I say "for as long as I can remember I've been easily distracted and procrastinate constantly". That's when his eyebrows raised from his laptop and started taking me more seriously. He gave me an Adult ADHD questionnaire of about 20 questions, I answered completely honestly because I want a proper diagnosis and I ended up answering almost every question with "very often".
After asking me a ton of questions, and reviewing my answers he said that I have ADHD and it is pretty severe. For a long time I had thought to myself that I had very severe ADHD but I didn't bring it up to him because I wanted a proper, unbiased diagnosis and I didn't want it to seem like I was just fishing for Adderall. So when he said the word "severe" I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders, I guess because deep down inside I had doubted myself and was always worried that I was just using it as a crutch.
So he prescribed me Adderall XR 20mg. I haven't even picked up the medicine yet, I have no clue how it will make me feel but I'm in the best mood ever. It's on my record, I'm not crazy, everything I've thought to myself feels validated now. That small step is a HUGE success story for me. It brings me back to when I was 9 and learning what procrastinate means and immediately identifying with it, and being 14 and learning what ADD was and immediately identifying with it.
So, even after all of this, I brought up my anxiety and OCD issues and he brushed them off completely. I'm learning that this guy really only likes to treat one issue at a time, and maybe your doctor is like that too.
If you've previously had issues getting your message across to your regular doctor before and can't see a psychiatrist then I highly suggest trying to make a VERY specific appointment with your doctor for ONE issue, then describe how it affects your day-to-day life, how it affects you from achieving your goals, and come in with notes. It might make all the difference because then he/she will have no choice but to hear what you have to say and what you are saying will be loud and clear.
Awesome! I'm so glad to hear you finally were able to get treatment for that!
I know exactly what you mean about it being a huge weight off your shoulders getting officially diagnosed and having your issues legitimized by a medical professional. I felt the same way when I was diagnosed with depression.
Anyways, I hope you're able to get treatment for your anxiety and OCD soon as well!
Thank you very much! "issues legitimized by a medical professional" is a great way to put it. "Holy shit, I was right!" hehe
First post here and everything... mostly just to vent.
I've been getting these massive waves of depression coming over me every couple of weeks now, but I'm not really sure what to do about it because it stems from genetic issues. Seeing someone for my mental health seems pointless because it's not going to fix the physical issues that are the source of my depression.
The issue is back in high school I had both my hair fall out and what's I think is called orbital fat loss. The baldness was full on male pattern baldness, not just a minor receding hairline and the fat loss is where you get these deep hollows above your eye and below your brow. If you google image search it (first couple images, some of the ones down the page are probably NSFW, surgery related stuff) you'll see what I mean. It's like I aged thirty years in four, and that's not an exaggeration.
I haven't had any other health issues, which is why I think it's genetic, but admit I never went to a doctor about it because I don't think I can actually handle it being confirmed as just genetics screwing me over twice like that. That, and I'm extremely poor. I have insurance, but I can't afford several doctor visits, which is what I'd probably need to do. As you can imagine, that completely destroyed my self esteem and had a huge negative impact on my social life, to the point where I simply haven't had one for the past 15 years.
I don't actually care much about the hair loss anymore. It sucks, but I would look pretty decent bald if not for the huge hollows above my eyes. The hollows are what's causing my huge waves of depression. It's gotten to the point where it's affecting my work attendance. I end up calling in I'm so depressed. Luckily, as horrible and low paying as my job is, they have an insanely lenient attendance policy, but I've reached the limit of it. It's a point system, and I'm out of points to use. It's a dead end warehouse job and calling in at all basically forfeits your raise, so I haven't gotten one for four years now. I have no skills for other work that won't pay just the same, or worse, but have a much stricter attendance policy. Besides, this job lets me wear a hat, which I do. Not to cover my baldness, but to hide my eyes. It pushes down on my eyebrows enough to hide the hollowness a bit. The fact that I'd have to expose the hollowness of my eyes if I get another job makes me feel like I'm stuck where I am, which just makes me even more depressed.
I've been getting these massive waves of depression coming over me every couple of weeks now, but I'm not really sure what to do about it because it stems from genetic issues. Seeing someone for my mental health seems pointless because it's not going to fix the physical issues that are the source of my depression.
The issue is back in high school I had both my hair fall out and what's I think is called orbital fat loss. The baldness was full on male pattern baldness, not just a minor receding hairline and the fat loss is where you get these deep hollows above your eye and below your brow. If you google image search it (first couple images, some of the ones down the page are probably NSFW, surgery related stuff) you'll see what I mean. It's like I aged thirty years in four, and that's not an exaggeration.
I haven't had any other health issues, which is why I think it's genetic, but admit I never went to a doctor about it because I don't think I can actually handle it being confirmed as just genetics screwing me over twice like that. That, and I'm extremely poor. I have insurance, but I can't afford several doctor visits, which is what I'd probably need to do. As you can imagine, that completely destroyed my self esteem and had a huge negative impact on my social life, to the point where I simply haven't had one for the past 15 years.
I don't actually care much about the hair loss anymore. It sucks, but I would look pretty decent bald if not for the huge hollows above my eyes. The hollows are what's causing my huge waves of depression. It's gotten to the point where it's affecting my work attendance. I end up calling in I'm so depressed. Luckily, as horrible and low paying as my job is, they have an insanely lenient attendance policy, but I've reached the limit of it. It's a point system, and I'm out of points to use. It's a dead end warehouse job and calling in at all basically forfeits your raise, so I haven't gotten one for four years now. I have no skills for other work that won't pay just the same, or worse, but have a much stricter attendance policy. Besides, this job lets me wear a hat, which I do. Not to cover my baldness, but to hide my eyes. It pushes down on my eyebrows enough to hide the hollowness a bit. The fact that I'd have to expose the hollowness of my eyes if I get another job makes me feel like I'm stuck where I am, which just makes me even more depressed.
For my whole life I've always thought of myself as a huge introvert, but ever since my meds kicked in and I no longer feel depressed, I absolutely crave social interaction. It's to the point where being alone just feels like almost a waste of time and I want to always be around other people.
I'm starting to think maybe it was just my depression that kept me from wanting to do anything, including hanging out with people, or something along those lines.
Has anyone had any similar experiences? It's slightly jarring, since I was so certain I was a total introvert before and that kind of defined me. I mean, I'm not complaining by any means, it's just surprising.
I'm starting to think maybe it was just my depression that kept me from wanting to do anything, including hanging out with people, or something along those lines.
Has anyone had any similar experiences? It's slightly jarring, since I was so certain I was a total introvert before and that kind of defined me. I mean, I'm not complaining by any means, it's just surprising.
Went for another hike today. I found solitary mountain hiking to have phenomenal effect on my mental state .Fantastic recreation in the nature and a lot of time to think about issues. Well, it is nice to have some company on new, unknown trails, but on well known I rather hike alone.
I was first on the summit today. Sat there on summit for 25 minutes in windy weather and in complete solitude to enjoy this view on our highest mountain, listening to groundhogs, birds and the wind
I was first on the summit today. Sat there on summit for 25 minutes in windy weather and in complete solitude to enjoy this view on our highest mountain, listening to groundhogs, birds and the wind
while thinking about stuff that is on my mind.
Awesome! Hiking is one of my favorite activities too. I don't think I ever feel more at peace than when I'm out hiking.
One of the main reasons I'd like to move out of Southern California is to move somewhere with better hiking. There are plenty of mountains around here, but none of them are particularly pleasant places to be. I mean, about 8 hours north there's tons of great stuff, but that's 8 hours north.
I'd really like to do a long (like, a month in length or longer) backpacking trip sometime in the next couple years.
RoyaleDuke
Banned
I just wanted to post a status update, I've been going through the hoops of medication so far I've had to ratchet my prescription up to 60mg Latuda tablets with a sampler pack of 80s to try if the 60s stop working like the 40s did.
I am doing a lot better, I've been happier than I've been in a long time and I am trying to get myself back into the habit of writing, and I've been enjoying my games more.
I've found that my symptoms are far more manageable and the voices/thoughts are pretty much gone and sometimes they come back and so does my anxiety but I am able to push it out and away. If that makes any sense.
I've been reading books to help inspire some of the darkness of a certain character of my novel...not that he/it needed anymore inspiration than what my delightfully demented mind and nightmares have produced.
The books I'm reading are:
The Devil in The White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America by Erik Larson
This book is a fascinating historical crime novel with some flowery prose and pontification by the author to make it more than just a history book. It's fantastic and well done so far and I am about a hundred pages into it. It covers the building of the Columbian World Fair of 1893 which was a time when the entire world had its eyes on Chicago, and weaves a tale of the trials and tribulations of building out the fair as the looming danger of H.H. Holmes***GOOGLE AT YOUR OWN RISK***, one of history's most prolific serial killers almost eclipsed the majesty of the great fair. Holmes is basically a mad man, and an unreliable narrator when speaking about his own past. He essentially built a "Murder Mansion" and lured people there while appearing as a buisiness man to the public. Everything is researched and great portions of the novel are from letters and many other articles of the time, and everything is bibliographic. It paints a time of death and majesty the likes history has not seen in many ages.
The Final Evolution by Jeff Somers
I started the first chapter and it is exactly what I want and expected of the final book of the Avery Cates saga(The Electric Church, The Digital Plague, The Eternal Prison, The Terminal State), can't wait to delve more into it.
Farmhouse Ales: Culture and Craftsmanship in the Belgian Tradition by Phil Markowski and Yvan De Baet.
This is a book pertinent to my love of craft brewing and homebrewing, of which I've dabbled in both. Good book if a bit dry.
I've also ordered Roddenberry's Fahrenheit 451, Burgess's A Clockwork Orange, and Roddenberry's The Illustrated Man, all of which I haven't read in some time.
Progress on my own novel is slow but I feel like picking up the pace, each week I write a little more and I've been feeling the need to finish it.
Speaking of nightmares I can rarely ever remember them now that I've been on four pills of cyptoheptadine a night for awhile now.
I upgraded my PC(with some more memory) a bit with some of the money I made from selling my Xbox one(which was a bad purchase anyway even though I loved Sunset Overdrive), and now my PC is pretty much future proof until I do a full rebuild whenever I happen to be rich lol. I still have $200~ or so left over. feels good.
I've been sinking a lot of time into Witcher 3 lately as well, and I think after 310 hours I am getting closer to finishing it.
My SRA and fibro haven't been as bad lately either which has given me a period of great relief.
I just want to say to hang in there all of you, and that in some ways things get better.
I also listened to Modest Mouse's new album, Strangers To Ourselves, and I can't believe they knocked it out of the park again. Fantastic musicians and it's nice to hear Isaac Brock wailing away angrily once again, and hopefully that rumor of a new Gorillaz album coming is true.
I am doing a lot better, I've been happier than I've been in a long time and I am trying to get myself back into the habit of writing, and I've been enjoying my games more.
I've found that my symptoms are far more manageable and the voices/thoughts are pretty much gone and sometimes they come back and so does my anxiety but I am able to push it out and away. If that makes any sense.
I've been reading books to help inspire some of the darkness of a certain character of my novel...not that he/it needed anymore inspiration than what my delightfully demented mind and nightmares have produced.
The books I'm reading are:
The Devil in The White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America by Erik Larson
This book is a fascinating historical crime novel with some flowery prose and pontification by the author to make it more than just a history book. It's fantastic and well done so far and I am about a hundred pages into it. It covers the building of the Columbian World Fair of 1893 which was a time when the entire world had its eyes on Chicago, and weaves a tale of the trials and tribulations of building out the fair as the looming danger of H.H. Holmes***GOOGLE AT YOUR OWN RISK***, one of history's most prolific serial killers almost eclipsed the majesty of the great fair. Holmes is basically a mad man, and an unreliable narrator when speaking about his own past. He essentially built a "Murder Mansion" and lured people there while appearing as a buisiness man to the public. Everything is researched and great portions of the novel are from letters and many other articles of the time, and everything is bibliographic. It paints a time of death and majesty the likes history has not seen in many ages.
The Final Evolution by Jeff Somers
I started the first chapter and it is exactly what I want and expected of the final book of the Avery Cates saga(The Electric Church, The Digital Plague, The Eternal Prison, The Terminal State), can't wait to delve more into it.
Farmhouse Ales: Culture and Craftsmanship in the Belgian Tradition by Phil Markowski and Yvan De Baet.
This is a book pertinent to my love of craft brewing and homebrewing, of which I've dabbled in both. Good book if a bit dry.
I've also ordered Roddenberry's Fahrenheit 451, Burgess's A Clockwork Orange, and Roddenberry's The Illustrated Man, all of which I haven't read in some time.
Progress on my own novel is slow but I feel like picking up the pace, each week I write a little more and I've been feeling the need to finish it.
Speaking of nightmares I can rarely ever remember them now that I've been on four pills of cyptoheptadine a night for awhile now.
I upgraded my PC(with some more memory) a bit with some of the money I made from selling my Xbox one(which was a bad purchase anyway even though I loved Sunset Overdrive), and now my PC is pretty much future proof until I do a full rebuild whenever I happen to be rich lol. I still have $200~ or so left over. feels good.
I've been sinking a lot of time into Witcher 3 lately as well, and I think after 310 hours I am getting closer to finishing it.
My SRA and fibro haven't been as bad lately either which has given me a period of great relief.
I just want to say to hang in there all of you, and that in some ways things get better.
I also listened to Modest Mouse's new album, Strangers To Ourselves, and I can't believe they knocked it out of the park again. Fantastic musicians and it's nice to hear Isaac Brock wailing away angrily once again, and hopefully that rumor of a new Gorillaz album coming is true.
Hola everybody. This isn't really depression related but I could use some advice. About nine months ago I started my first job as a software engineer I. The first three months were slow. It was pretty hand-holdy and I felt like I had accomplished very little in that time. At the beginning of this year, one of our software engineer IIIs left. Because in my first three months I had worked closely with the codebase he was developing, it was only natural that I was handed the responsibility of maintaining it. They rolled me off the project I was on at the time in order to handle this new workload. In the following months, I rapidly expanded the featureset of his software and deployed it to multiple customers, all the while maintaining work on a second project that this guy had also been on. All of this was done with little help or guidance from anyone else. Recently, another software engineer III left and once again they are rolling me off my current project in order to handle this person's work. Needless to say I am pretty livid.
If there's one thing that I know I am it's that I'm a damned hard worker. But I'm so tapped out from everything that happened at the start of the year that I'm finding it hard to focus--or care for that matter--about taking on this new workload. What makes this new situation drastically different from the first is that when the first guy quit, I knew from the start of his two week notice that I was inheriting all his work. Plus since I had already been working on his stuff, the transition wasn't nearly insane. But this second guy who has quit, I have never seen his code, it mostly involves stuff I have never done (although I'm certain I could catch on relatively quickly), and I didn't find out I was getting his work until two days before he actually left. And just like the first time, I'll once again be a one man team on this new project.
The people who I have worked with acknowledge my hard work and have told me such many times (I even got a money award lol). The praise doesn't mean too much to me though because these people only see my results. Ultimately I not only care about the finished results, but also how I got there; my coding conventions, techniques, etc. because these are the things that'll transfer over whenever I get a new job. And because no one is actively doing code reviews on my stuff, I feel like while I've accomplished a lot, I don't know what parts of my code are genuinely good and which parts would make a hardy software engineer laugh hysterically. I also feel like for someone who still hasn't had a year of work experience, consistently being put onto projects where I'm more or less working alone is terrible; you grow the most by working with others.
I was going to talk to my supervisor about this all today but I chickened out >.> Definitely going to do it tomorrow though cause this is all batshit crazy. I'm just so mentally exhausted right now that I feel like I am going to fail at handling this new workload. I'm considering using my little paid-time-off (PTO) to give myself the mental break I need but it feels wrong that I should feel like I need to use my PTO in order to maintain my performance at work instead of using it for an actual vacation/emergencies. It doesn't help that I spend approximately three hours total sitting in traffic every day. When I first got this job I felt like it gave me a confidence boost; the financial independence, having to get a car, not being stuck at home feeling like my college degrees were worthless, etc. But after a while I realized that it wasn't much so that I was more confident, it's just that I'm too damned tired all the time to really give a shit about anything anymore. I feel like I've cut off all my friends and I've fallen into the monotony of life that everyone dreads of. I feel like quitting this job without having another one lined up because it's just not worth all of this stress.
So yeah, work fucking sucks and it's absolutely soul draining. If anyone has advice on how to talk about this with my supervisor I'd appreciate it. Everything in this post is more or less what I intend to mention to him, albeit in a more professional manner. I really want to quit though. My family says to just stick it out cause that's how work/life is like sometimes but I hate that advice because it's what I've literally tried to do in every aspect of my life and I'm still miserable.
If there's one thing that I know I am it's that I'm a damned hard worker. But I'm so tapped out from everything that happened at the start of the year that I'm finding it hard to focus--or care for that matter--about taking on this new workload. What makes this new situation drastically different from the first is that when the first guy quit, I knew from the start of his two week notice that I was inheriting all his work. Plus since I had already been working on his stuff, the transition wasn't nearly insane. But this second guy who has quit, I have never seen his code, it mostly involves stuff I have never done (although I'm certain I could catch on relatively quickly), and I didn't find out I was getting his work until two days before he actually left. And just like the first time, I'll once again be a one man team on this new project.
The people who I have worked with acknowledge my hard work and have told me such many times (I even got a money award lol). The praise doesn't mean too much to me though because these people only see my results. Ultimately I not only care about the finished results, but also how I got there; my coding conventions, techniques, etc. because these are the things that'll transfer over whenever I get a new job. And because no one is actively doing code reviews on my stuff, I feel like while I've accomplished a lot, I don't know what parts of my code are genuinely good and which parts would make a hardy software engineer laugh hysterically. I also feel like for someone who still hasn't had a year of work experience, consistently being put onto projects where I'm more or less working alone is terrible; you grow the most by working with others.
I was going to talk to my supervisor about this all today but I chickened out >.> Definitely going to do it tomorrow though cause this is all batshit crazy. I'm just so mentally exhausted right now that I feel like I am going to fail at handling this new workload. I'm considering using my little paid-time-off (PTO) to give myself the mental break I need but it feels wrong that I should feel like I need to use my PTO in order to maintain my performance at work instead of using it for an actual vacation/emergencies. It doesn't help that I spend approximately three hours total sitting in traffic every day. When I first got this job I felt like it gave me a confidence boost; the financial independence, having to get a car, not being stuck at home feeling like my college degrees were worthless, etc. But after a while I realized that it wasn't much so that I was more confident, it's just that I'm too damned tired all the time to really give a shit about anything anymore. I feel like I've cut off all my friends and I've fallen into the monotony of life that everyone dreads of. I feel like quitting this job without having another one lined up because it's just not worth all of this stress.
So yeah, work fucking sucks and it's absolutely soul draining. If anyone has advice on how to talk about this with my supervisor I'd appreciate it. Everything in this post is more or less what I intend to mention to him, albeit in a more professional manner. I really want to quit though. My family says to just stick it out cause that's how work/life is like sometimes but I hate that advice because it's what I've literally tried to do in every aspect of my life and I'm still miserable.
In a nutshell, I basically have OCD, Dysthmia and Avoidant Personality Disorder. Cause of my low self esteem, I believe no one values me. I have days where I'm feeling great but it just takes one little hiccup for me to feel down and horrible about myself. Example, just asked a friend if I can join a lobby, never got a response back. Made me feel worthless and that I was bothering, which may be the case, who knows. I try not to bother people all too much with how sensitive I can be so I try to avoid situations like these until I feel I'm strong enough to deal with "rejection".
Aside from that and many other occasions with small things would get to me, I went to a doctor after suicidal/intrusive thoughts started kicking in more strongly than usual. Apparently all three that I mentioned above are what I'm diagnosed with. I've been seeing a psychiatrist once a month for three months and just started meeting my therapist last week. The reason why I post is is cause I'm starting to become more accepting to taking medication now that I'm noticing that these appointments aren't enough.
I feel great seeing my therapist and psychiatrist cause I get a lot off my chest and don't see me as some weird entity but that quickly crumbles once something off happens that makes me feel depressed. Should I consider taking medication? The OCD isn't helping with my sleep either so I'm seriously considering it and hopefully makes this road to recovery that much easier on my mind. In addition to that, I've done some research on the medication and it seems to provide some relief to people who rapidly and constantly pester on their thoughts, providing a boost of mood, which is something I haven't honestly felt with my depression in years.
Aside from that and many other occasions with small things would get to me, I went to a doctor after suicidal/intrusive thoughts started kicking in more strongly than usual. Apparently all three that I mentioned above are what I'm diagnosed with. I've been seeing a psychiatrist once a month for three months and just started meeting my therapist last week. The reason why I post is is cause I'm starting to become more accepting to taking medication now that I'm noticing that these appointments aren't enough.
I feel great seeing my therapist and psychiatrist cause I get a lot off my chest and don't see me as some weird entity but that quickly crumbles once something off happens that makes me feel depressed. Should I consider taking medication? The OCD isn't helping with my sleep either so I'm seriously considering it and hopefully makes this road to recovery that much easier on my mind. In addition to that, I've done some research on the medication and it seems to provide some relief to people who rapidly and constantly pester on their thoughts, providing a boost of mood, which is something I haven't honestly felt with my depression in years.
You desperately need a break from your job. I mean total break for at least one week - go on vacation, turn off your phone (or at least block every job contact for that period of time), leave your computer at home and just relax.
Awesome! So glad to hear you're doing so much better, RoyaleDuke! You've made some incredible progress. I'm really happy for you.
Also, regarding Modest Mouse, I've been listening to them almost exclusively the past couple days at work. So good. I still haven't listened to the new album though because I'm scared it won't be good, but I'll listen to it now that I see it's got your seal of approval.
Edit: Okay, you were right. This is super good so far.
Those two things sound like they'd be very important to talk about. I hope your appointment went well!
I'm so glad things have been moving in a good direction for you, Joe! That's wonderful to hear
Your advice is sound - it seems like sometimes doctors are so caught up in a million things that they listen to what you're saying without really "hearing" all of it.
nataku, while therapy can't change the physical circumstances of your body and what ails you it can certainly change the lens through which you view these circumstances - your perception - and that can be immensely helpful. The human mind has an amazing ability to adjust to different types of existence (it's been demonstrated in some really fascinating research!) and perhaps with some poking and prodding in the right places you could trend in an upwards direction.
I would encourage you to reach out to a therapist, or look online to see what others with the same or similar conditions have done to cope - or both!
I'm sorry I don't have some grand, life-fixing answer, I wish I did. I do hope you keep us posted, if you feel comfortable doing so.
Sort of. Over the past year I've learned that my tendency to want to be alone / stay introverted is one of the chains of my suffering rather than a solace or relief. Sure, I still need some alone time, but I've learned I feel much better if I straight ignore my desire to spend tonight / tomorrow / the weekend alone in my room and force myself to call up a few people. Even if we just talk for a bit. Even if we just sit around at a bar, or go see a movie. Even if I don't even have a ton of fun and I'm just fulfilling my vague sense of social obligation. At the end of the night I'm left with less of that grand empty feeling.
So that has motivated me to be social - and forcing myself to be social has, in turn, made being social easier. Snowball effect of some sort.
I still struggle to talk to people I don't know, like in my classes, but that's my next challenge I've been chipping away at. I'm at least at a place where I can consistently reach out to the people I do know instead of blowing them off until we drift apart, which was my instinct for so long.
Do you understand your greater social inclination as a result of a greater sense of reward from social experiences?
I'm so so glad to hear that things have been more manageable RoyaleDuke
Even if you're not in the throes of tons of writing quite yet, it sounds like you can feel the creative juices flowing and that's a good place to be! Sometimes you've got to let them swirl for a bit before they naturally present themselves. After all, you can't just turn on creativity like a faucet.
(That's one of my all time favorite Calvin & Hobbes strips)
Also, a friend was recently telling me what a wonderful book Devil in the White City is (dark though it may be). It sounds really fascinating and between both of your rave reviews I'm really tempted to check it out. I sadly don't read enough these days.
My only reservation is, like, I don't know, is it too dark? I can read about that sort of gruesome stuff from an academic perspective as long as it doesn't ... get in my head, you know? I don't know how else to describe it.
First of all, welcome to the thread MooMoo!
It sounds like things have to change at your job. It seems to me like it makes sense to talk to your supervisor before quitting or seeking work elsewhere because, well, why not give it a shot? It's hard to know exactly what sort of tone he or she will respond to but if I had to pick one from your description of the situation I'd say shoot for calm but firm. You need to be firm and unshakeable in your insistence that this work situation is unreasonable and needs to change, yet I think it'll help your cause tremendously if you're able to stay very calm such that the person you're talking to has no reason to get defensive or paint you as unreasonable. Like, be "impossibly reasonable" if that makes sense.
In those situations I often find that as tempting as it is to get heated or unreasonable they end up going much better if I am sure I'm not giving the other person any "ammunition" to use against me.
Does that make sense?
BakedYams, I'm not a doctor so my thoughts are of limited medical value, but I can offer that there are many people afflicted with similar conditions for whom medication is tremendously helpful. I would encourage you to consider it as an option. Also keep in mind that medication is a flexible, wide-open thing: just because you're on medication doesn't mean you'll be on TONS of medication, or be "doped up" or be this or be that. The purpose of the medication is to alleviate your symptoms and help you feel more like yourself; it may take a few tries to find something that works but a mental health doctor should have a strong knowledge of the possibilities.
I hope you are able to find some relief from your suffering.
<3
Yeah, I definitely know exactly what you mean by that. Those experiences and feelings are very familiar to me too. It's definitely been beneficial to me to force myself to hang out with people even when I didn't want to, to avoid that grand empty feeling you spoke of.
But regarding your question... I hadn't really consciously noticed that, but that could very well be it. Being social would always lift my mood before, but that doesn't necessarily mean I had a great time. I mean, when your normal mood is incredibly low, it being lifted doesn't necessarily mean being happy.
But yeah, that seems pretty likely now that you mention it. Thanks for the insight!
Regardless, it's great to enjoy being with people, because there's really nothing more fulfilling than being with other people.
I wouldn't necessarily call it suffering, I don't want to give in that easily to my depression so I constantly battle it. I will consider medication since I've spoken about it with my mom who also took medication in the past. I believe the medication will be for a short while too to see how I'm feeling. Only reason I'm really considering it is cause of the weight of my thoughts are too much for me to handle psychologically. I can also use a good nights rest without my OCD making my mind race at 100 miles per hour. I appreciate the concern too, your cat avatar makes it that much better lol
grap3fruitman
Banned
I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. How do I not waste the session? I'm still not convinced how simply talking to someone can cure an illness.
EverythingShiny
Member
I've found something that helps me with the first session is writing down all the things I want to talk about so I don't forgot/blank out when I'm in the session. I've also found that, unless the therapist really rubs me the wrong way, it takes me 2-3 sessions to figure out whether or not that therapist will be a good fit. Sometime it takes a few before I find someone I can work well with.
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
Not "cure" but manage.
Won't cure you, the cure is within yourself. The psychiatrist will help you along the road of recovery. The therapist is there to help you with your mental battle and tell you how you can manage your state. A therapist coming from the same background as you helps a lot, mine is Dominican and grew up in the same country my parents did so she knows where I'm coming from and how to talk to me. Its a whole culture thing so try it out with this one and if it doesn't work, ask for another one if that option is available.
It won't hurt you. I've gone quite some time without masturbating thanks to my meds. You might have more wet dreams, though.
Good to know, I was afraid I might have to change meds. I'm bit angry about it since my doctor didn't mention any side effects apart from making me sleepy but I don't really care that much.
Probable side effect is some level of erectile dysfunction. I'm getting ready to have a low libido for once in my life.
You can't have everything in the world!
/s
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