Online Dating |OT| Please Respond

Infinity Patriot said:
I see what you mean. Considering this happened weeks ago & she didn't change a thing, I kind of don't expect it to happen here. She's fully aware she is my friend on FB (along with my mom, my cousins, & my friends). She knows that once she updates anything on her profile it will show up in our feeds. Considering she's 'laying low' & not updating/posting, I don't expect anything to happen. I figure if she does update stuff, she'd delete us first.
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You're still thinking about her.

"She knows I'll see her updates"
"She's laying low"
"She'll delete me first"

Stop guessing at what she will or won't do. Delete her completely. Don't worry about how she'll react, just do it and be done with it.
 
Lone_Prodigy said:
You're still thinking about her.

"She knows I'll see her updates"
"She's laying low"
"She'll delete me first"

Stop guessing at what she will or won't do. Delete her completely. Don't worry about how she'll react, just do it and be done with it.
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How about this then: I pretend I don't think of her, that I notice none if this stuff she does, and that I don't speculate on the meaning(s) of any of it. I'll just not mention it here anymore. There is no point.
 
Infinity Patriot said:
How about this then: I pretend I don't think of her, that I notice none if this stuff she does, and that I don't speculate on the meaning(s) of any of it. I'll just not mention it here anymore. There is no point.
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There's no need to pretend. If you think about her, think of something else. Actively do things that keep your mind off her, and you'll forget about her eventually.

I still think about my ex. I wonder what she's doing, sometimes. But those instances are becoming less frequent over time, because I have no way of verifying my thoughts (no FB, no texts, no pictures). Heck, I should actually avoid this thread because someone will mention situations that remind me of her.
 
Lone_Prodigy said:
There's no need to pretend. If you think about her, think of something else. Actively do things that keep your mind off her, and you'll forget about her eventually.

I still think about my ex. I wonder what she's doing, sometimes. But those instances are becoming less frequent over time, because I have no way of verifying my thoughts (no FB, no texts, no pictures). Heck, I should actually avoid this thread because someone will mention situations that remind me of her.
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Putting myself out there on these dating sites have helped push my ex from the forefront of my mind. Thoughts about her or less frequent, but still there. I've gotten numbers from 2 girls & met one of them from okc. I had a bad dream about my ex last night. That only seems to happen when I see a picture of her the day before.
 
Infinity Patriot said:
Putting myself out there on these dating sites have helped push my ex from the forefront of my mind. Thoughts about her or less frequent, but still there. I've gotten numbers from 2 girls & met one of them from okc. I had a bad dream about my ex last night. That only seems to happen when I see a picture of her the day before.
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Then why would you keep her friended on Facebook?!

You don't need to stop mentioning it, we're just trying to help you.
 
Just got a casual text from the ex:

Her: Hey nerd
Me: Hey what's up?
*a few messages later*
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: and we're done here. Goodbye, and good luck.


Mind you all, this is the same chick that "needed a break" and goes through bouts of depression. I hella noped that shit when she told she's got a boyfriend. Definitely not gonna pull the shit she did then casually talk like nothing happened. Noooooooope.
 
gaiages said:
Then why would you keep her friended on Facebook?!

You don't need to stop mentioning it, we're just trying to help you.
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That picture was from her college graduation in December. I guess I somehow missed it back then, but she's sitting at a table with her gym friends - sitting next to her is the guy she pursued, moved in with, and current boyfriend. That's what triggered the shit dream, I'm sure of it. I'm not going to her FB page anymore. If I see anything from her on my feed, I'm deleting her if she doesn't do so first.

I say I'll stop mentioning it because I feel like I sound like a broken record, I don't want to keep derailing threads, and I feel pathetic for not being completely over her almost 9 months later.
 
Is this an OK message?

*name* I like you, and I want to get to know you better. Just so you know. I have work early so I'm going to sleep. If you want to hit me up tomorrow, cool! ☺️
 
Infinity...why aren't you deleting her Facebook? You just spent a few posts explaining all this shit seeing a picture of her did to you, yet you still won't listen to us and delete it. WHY?

Listen to Shia Lebeouf, JUST, DO IT!
Ray Wonder said:
Is this an OK message?

*name* I like you, and I want to get to know you better. Just so you know. I have work early so I'm going to sleep. If you want to hit me up tomorrow, cool! ☺️
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Not really. Say something like how she seems like a cool person (even better if you reference something you find mutually interesting from her profile) and that you'd like to get to know her. Offer to grab coffee (or whatever you want) this weekend.
 
AcridMeat said:
Infinity...why aren't you deleting her Facebook? You just spent a few posts explaining all this shit seeing a picture of her did to you, yet you still won't listen to us and delete it. WHY?

Listen to Shia Lebeouf, JUST, DO IT!Not really. Say something like how she seems like a cool person (even better if you reference something you find mutually interesting from her profile) and that you'd like to get to know her. Offer to grab coffee (or whatever you want) this weekend.
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It's a bit different, because I've already got confirmation that she "wants me" from a very good friend. (Lol) But every time I hit her up its like 3 messages then she doesn't reply. We know each other already somewhat, and I'm not going off of a profile. I just want to get it across to her that I'm into her, and if she wants to pursue a relationship, I will be all for it.
 
Ray Wonder said:
It's a bit different, because I've already got confirmation that she "wants me" from a very good friend. (Lol) But every time I hit her up its like 3 messages then she doesn't reply. We know each other already somewhat, and I'm not going off of a profile. I just want to get it across to her that I'm into her, and if she wants to pursue a relationship, I will be all for it.
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Oh shit that's right you posted about that girl who wants you earlier, sorry about that. In that case, I mean I'm not sure how serious she is relationship wise, seemed like she wanted to hook up with you so keep it casual to start and see where it goes. Enjoy yourself this weekend.
Infinity Patriot said:
Because I'm an idiot and I can't let go?
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Do it, you'll feel a lot better.
 
If you refuse to delete her, did you unfollow her, at least? That way, even if she updates, it won't pop up in your feed.

But yeah, keeping her FB profile as a safety blanket isn't doing you any favors. Can you list any benefit remaining FB 'friends' with her would provide?
 
guys/girls of gaff I would appreciate it if u could critique my profile, a few women i messaged visited but didn't respond so i revamped the whole thing. the self summary is still pretty weak but i don't know what else to add and the pics are terrible but right now it's the only 3 i have.
 
HateGames said:
guys/girls of gaff I would appreciate it if u could critique my profile, a few women i messaged visited but didn't respond so i revamped the whole thing. the self summary is still pretty weak but i don't know what else to add and the pics are terrible but right now it's the only 3 i have.
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I know you acknowledged it, but it bears repeating; your pics are trash. They're overprocessed and barely show off who you are. Since you say you like playing 8-ball, bribe someone with beer or food to take a few pics of you playing. It'll show you're sociable, you have fun, and you get out of the house to do stuff. And try to get a pic of you smiling and a pic of your entire body.

About the only section of yours that I like is the 6 things section. You show more heart there than anywhere else. Everything else is fairly cold and calculated. You sound like you're reading off facts about yourself instead of trying to sell yourself. Fluff up your language a little, add some whimsy!
 
Salamando said:
I know you acknowledged it, but it bears repeating; your pics are trash. They're overprocessed and barely show off who you are. Since you say you like playing 8-ball, bribe someone with beer or food to take a few pics of you playing. It'll show you're sociable, you have fun, and you get out of the house to do stuff. And try to get a pic of you smiling and a pic of your entire body.

About the only section of yours that I like is the 6 things section. You show more heart there than anywhere else. Everything else is fairly cold and calculated. You sound like you're reading off facts about yourself instead of trying to sell yourself. Fluff up your language a little, add some whimsy!
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thanks for feedback! its funny you should mention 'reading off facts' because initially my self summary actually began with the words 'here are some facts about me' haha i just don't know how to write 'whimsy' even though im quite sociable in the real world it just doesnt translate into writing.

also a pic of playing 8ball is real good idea, i will take one on the weekend.
 
HateGames said:
thanks for feedback! its funny you should mention 'reading off facts' because initially my self summary actually began with the words 'here are some facts about me' haha i just don't know how to write 'whimsy' even though im quite sociable in the real world it just doesnt translate into writing.

also a pic of playing 8ball is real good idea, i will take one on the weekend.
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Just less exposition, more sexposition. You meet a girl in a bar, you'd never tell her "I have an inquisitive mind", you'd sex it up a bit! You'd say "I have a curiosity for the world and it's mysteries" or "I consider truth a valuable resource. It allows us to truly grow and advance in the right direction" or "I have a real thirst for knowledge".

Hell, your post above showed so much more personality than your profile did.
 
Salamando said:
Just less exposition, more sexposition. You meet a girl in a bar, you'd never tell her "I have an inquisitive mind", you'd sex it up a bit! You'd say "I have a curiosity for the world and it's mysteries" or "I consider truth a valuable resource. It allows us to truly grow and advance in the right direction" or "I have a real thirst for knowledge".

Hell, your post above showed so much more personality than your profile did.
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aha! i just had a eureka moment. My approach to the profile has been totally wrong, what i needed to do was use my creative writing skills and write as if i am telling a story. what do you think of this?

''I grew up in the village of a third world country, no cartoned milk, drank raw from the buffalo daily YUCK! Arrived in Manchester while I was still a kid, initially hated the constant rain but a light drizzle in the evening has grown on me. Though I like animals I've never had a pet, but I really want a tiger cub just so I can cuddle it all day.

I have a curiosity for the world and it's mysteries so surprise surprise! I am a fan of Science, particuarly Geology and Astronomy. Also Indianna Jones. Psychology is my other love, the romance blossomed when I started watching Frasier, it's been a 'Happly ever after' tale since then. One of the things I'm not too enthusiastic about is tradition, more often than not it just stands in the way of progress.

I enjoy watching sports, particularly football and boxing, playing 8 ball pool, going for long walks, working out in the gym and the occasional game of badminton.''
 
So far I've managed to get two girl's numbers (actually, they asked me for mine). Thing is, after a day or two of texting, they went silent. I haven't heard from them in almost 2 days. Nothing bad happened & I was the last person to text each of them. Maybe they got bored or found someone else?

This sucks, mainly because I know how my mind works at this point. This is why I'm doing online dating again, to have other women to think about instead of my ex. When the other women are being slowly removed from the equation, my mind reverts. That cannot happen.
 
Infinity Patriot said:
So far I've managed to get two girl's numbers (actually, they asked me for mine). Thing is, after a day or two of texting, they went silent. I haven't heard from them in almost 2 days. Nothing bad happened & I was the last person to text each of them. Maybe they got bored or found someone else?

This sucks, mainly because I know how my mind works at this point. This is why I'm doing online dating again, to have other women to think about instead of my ex. When the other women are being slowly removed from the equation, my mind reverts. That cannot happen.
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Can you synopsize the texting that occurred between you all? Texting is a completely different beast from anything else, fraught with stupid quasi-rules and lack of nuance, which is why it's always preferable to meet as soon as practicable. Don't feel bad about this one though -- lots of us aren't great at texting, either.
 
Advocatus Diaboli said:
Can you synopsize the texting that occurred between you all? Texting is a completely different beast from anything else, fraught with stupid quasi-rules and lack of nuance, which is why it's always preferable to meet as soon as practicable. Don't feel bad about this one though -- lots of us aren't great at texting, either.
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Mostly small talk. Asking each other about shared interests and whatnot. The 2nd girl & I were talking on okc about past experiences in meeting people from dating sites. She said a lot of the time the guys she'd meet with turned out to look different than in their pictures, but she'd never be rude & continue with the date. I told her that never happened to me. It got to the point where she started talking about herself, thinking she isn't that attractive, etc. I told her I think otherwise. Few messages later she asked about exchanging numbers. We texted for a few hours & she sent me a full body picture of herself (most the ones on her profile were her face, or half of her). Then came time for bed. I got a text (continue the convo from prior) that next morning. I responded accordingly, then haven't heard back from her in over 24 hours. I sent her a text 15 minutes ago asking if I had already bored her to death (jokingly). No response yet.
 
HateGames said:
aha! i just had a eureka moment. My approach to the profile has been totally wrong, what i needed to do was use my creative writing skills and write as if i am telling a story. what do you think of this?
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That's MUCH better. Two comments though..."Indiana Jones" doesn't have a double-n in it, and I wouldn't express your dislike of tradition quite like that. The concept of tradition isn't bad, its the individual traditions that are. For example, every Christmas-time I will follow the family tradition of baking way too much, because it reminds me of my childhood. I like that tradition. However, stoning people in the town square is a very bad tradition.

You can express the same sentiment using alternate words. Something like "I consider myself my own man. I do what I think is right for myself and my loved ones, regardless of who might disapprove"

If you hate tradition because of how it factors into politics, leave it out. No one likes politics on an online dating profile.

Infinity Patriot said:
Mostly small talk. Asking each other about shared interests and whatnot. The 2nd girl & I were talking on okc about past experiences in meeting people from dating sites. She said a lot of the time the guys she'd meet with turned out to look different than in their pictures, but she'd never be rude & continue with the date. I told her that never happened to me. It got to the point where she started talking about herself, thinking she isn't that attractive, etc. I told her I think otherwise. Few messages later she asked about exchanging numbers. We texted for a few hours & she sent me a full body picture of herself (most the ones on her profile were her face, or half of her). Then came time for bed. I got a text (continue the convo from prior) that next morning. I responded accordingly, then haven't heard back from her in over 24 hours. I sent her a text 15 minutes ago asking if I had already bored her to death (jokingly). No response yet.
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As written, it sounds like she's insecure about herself, went fishing for attention, and disappeared once she got it.
 
Salamando said:
That's MUCH better. Two comments though..."Indiana Jones" doesn't have a double-n in it, and I wouldn't express your dislike of tradition quite like that. The concept of tradition isn't bad, its the individual traditions that are. For example, every Christmas-time I will follow the family tradition of baking way too much, because it reminds me of my childhood. I like that tradition. However, stoning people in the town square is a very bad tradition.

You can express the same sentiment using alternate words. Something like "I consider myself my own man. I do what I think is right for myself and my loved ones, regardless of who might disapprove"

If you hate tradition because of how it factors into politics, leave it out. No one likes politics on an online dating profile.
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you make a good point, i will just leave out the whole tradition crap. thanks for your help
 
I'm kind of curious to try this just to see, but I'm paranoid about someone I know seeing me. Also I have no recent pictures of me that actually look good.
 
Forkball said:
I'm kind of curious to try this just to see, but I'm paranoid about someone I know seeing me. Also I have no recent pictures of me that actually look good.
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Who cares? I've seen a couple of girls I either went to high school with on OKC/Tinder or a friend of a friend on it. I don't speak to any of them nor do I have an interest in saying "I saw you on Tinder" because it's nobody's buiness.

I''ve also seen girls I previously went out with. What you do is your business and vice versa. There's still this old stigma about online-dating being seen as a desperate, last resort move for people who don't have any luck meeting people in person. If you're that scared, then make an alternate account. As for the pictures, have someone take pictures of you whether it's a photographer friend or otherwise.

-------

I saw this article on DNA Info and found the original source article Vanity Fair. If this merits a new thread discussion, let me know. I'll post a few choice quotes for discussion since it's relevant to this thread:
“I think to an extent it is, like, sinister,” he says, “ ‘cause I know that the average girl will think that there’s a chance that she can turn the tables. If I were like, Hey, I just wanna bone, very few people would want to meet up with you …
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“If he texts you before midnight he actually likes you as a person. If it’s after midnight, it’s just for your body,” says Amanda. It’s not, she says, that women don’t want to have sex. “Who doesn’t want to have sex? But it feels bad when they’re like, ‘See ya.’ ”
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He holds up his phone, with its cracked screen, to show a Tinder conversation between him and a young woman who provided her number after he offered a series of emojis, including the ones for pizza and beer.
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Could the ready availability of sex provided by dating apps actually be making men respect women less? “Too easy,” “Too easy,” “Too easy,” I heard again and again from young men when asked if there was anything about dating apps they didn’t like.
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Even the emphasis on looks inherent in a dating game based on swiping on photos is something men complain women are just as guilty of buying into. “They say in their profiles, ‘No shirtless pictures,’ but that’s bullshit,” says Nick, the same as above. “The day I switched to a shirtless picture with my tattoos, immediately, within a few minutes, I had, like, 15 matches.”
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Read the rest here: "Tinder and Hookup Culture" (long read)
 
Online dating is one big lie. Most people on there are full of shit, everyone usually aims for the hottest person they can get. Everyone wants to have sex, they just want to have it with the right person. Everyone will say what's politically correct in their profiles in order to project a certain image. My guide to survival:

-Don't message someone who has negatives in their profile (ex. I don't like...[insert])
-Don't message someone who makes demands
-Don't message someone who tries way too hard to put up a false image

I've met quality girls this way. All the people whining and complaining in that article are guilty of the same shit they whine about. If they increase their standards but make their expectations more realistic, then meeting someone normal online is very possible.
 
stn said:
Online dating is one big lie. Most people on there are full of shit, everyone usually aims for the hottest person they can get. Everyone wants to have sex, they just want to have it with the right person. Everyone will say what's politically correct in their profiles in order to project a certain image. My guide to survival:

-Don't message someone who has negatives in their profile (ex. I don't like...[insert])
-Don't message someone who makes demands
-Don't message someone who tries way too hard to put up a false image

I've met quality girls this way. All the people whining and complaining in that article are guilty of the same shit they whine about. If they increase their standards but make their expectations more realistic, then meeting someone normal online is very possible.
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Good advice. I follow these same rules. I find it hilarious when I see a woman making ridiculous demands. The best are the women who have nothing written in their profile and then tell men not to message them with a "hi" or "how are you?". No man with options is going to put up with that.
 
stn said:
Online dating is one big lie. Most people on there are full of shit, everyone usually aims for the hottest person they can get. Everyone wants to have sex, they just want to have it with the right person. Everyone will say what's politically correct in their profiles in order to project a certain image. My guide to survival:

-Don't message someone who has negatives in their profile (ex. I don't like...[insert])
-Don't message someone who makes demands
-Don't message someone who tries way too hard to put up a false image

I've met quality girls this way. All the people whining and complaining in that article are guilty of the same shit they whine about. If they increase their standards but make their expectations more realistic, then meeting someone normal online is very possible.
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Truth.

From my experience 99% of people on dating sites are looking for sex.
 
Forkball said:
I'm kind of curious to try this just to see, but I'm paranoid about someone I know seeing me. Also I have no recent pictures of me that actually look good.
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Better get past that. If they are also on there, then what are you worried about? If you care so much about what people think about you then you probably aren't going to get very far, especially on a date. Anyhow, I have mostly selfies up and women don't seem to care as long as they are in good taste and are quality images.
 
My luck has been hot garbage as of late, outside of one girl I talked to for several days over the last week.

Things seemed to be going well, and she seemed interested. We asked each other some questions about favourite things, and she didn't reply to my answer until a few days later and apologized, saying she thought she had.

I replied, saying it was good to hear from her and that I'd thought maybe I'd said something wrong to make her lose interest and there's been nothing since.
 
OCDChewie said:
My luck has been hot garbage as of late, outside of one girl I talked to for several days over the last week.

Things seemed to be going well, and she seemed interested. We asked each other some questions about favourite things, and she didn't reply to my answer until a few days later and apologized, saying she thought she had.

I replied, saying it was good to hear from her and that I'd thought maybe I'd said something wrong to make her lose interest and there's been nothing since.
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During the several days that you talked to her, did you attempt to make plans? Why did you say, "Sorry, I thought I said something wrong to make you lose interest"?
 
AcridMeat said:
Infinity I really don't want to come across as rude, but until you delete her, it isn't.
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Let's say I delete her (when/if she reactivates), then what? Nothing changes. I will still feel the same way about her. I'm at my cousins house for dinner & she said, "did your mom tell you what she told me about what she saw? She saw your ex's mom post a photo of your ex, her mom, and her boyfriend on what looks like vacation." I didn't, but my mood dropped when I heard that. She said, "your mom said she doesn't look as good anymore since she was with you." Dunno what that means. Maybe I've given the wrong impression to my cousin, who knows the whole scoop. I probably recently made it seem like I'm fine.
 
Llyranor said:
The fact that you're relying on HER to take action in not popping up on your FB is giving her control over you (and the fact that you checked whether she disabled the account)

Why?
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I've mentioned this before. Because I'm an idiot & I can't let go. I loved this woman way too much.
 
Infinity Patriot said:
Let's say I delete her (when/if she reactivates), then what? Nothing changes. I will still feel the same way about her. I'm at my cousins house for dinner & she said, "did your mom tell you what she told me about what she saw? She saw your ex's mom post a photo of your ex, her mom, and her boyfriend on what looks like vacation." I didn't, but my mood dropped when I heard that. She said, "your mom said she doesn't look as good anymore since she was with you." Dunno what that means. Maybe I've given the wrong impression to my cousin, who knows the whole scoop. I probably recently made it seem like I'm fine.
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I realize I'm just adding to the chorus here, but: delete her. What is the point of having her there? I mean -- frankly, imagine you randomly encountered her tomorrow and she was like, "Oh, Infinity Patriot! I was so wrong! Take me back immediately!" Well, it'd be a swift step to re-add her to Facebook. Or! She could always message you, even if you weren't Facebook friends.

Now, taking a step back to reality, where that'd never happen...

Nothing good results from having her on Facebook. It's stunting your ability to move on. I say this as someone who's best friends with his ex-wife but who doesn't communicate at all with his last girlfriend: sometimes breakups have to be complete. Yours is one of them.
 
Advocatus Diaboli said:
I realize I'm just adding to the chorus here, but: delete her. What is the point of having her there? I mean -- frankly, imagine you randomly encountered her tomorrow and she was like, "Oh, Infinity Patriot! I was so wrong! Take me back immediately!" Well, it'd be a swift step to re-add her to Facebook. Or! She could always message you, even if you weren't Facebook friends.

Now, taking a step back to reality, where that'd never happen...

Nothing good results from having her on Facebook. It's stunting your ability to move on. I say this as someone who's best friends with his ex-wife but who doesn't communicate at all with his last girlfriend: sometimes breakups have to be complete. Yours is one of them.
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Deleting her in the two windows of a week that she reactivated well tell her something about me that I don't want her to know; that I cared enough to even notice her reactivate her account.
 
What you're doing is just senseless. Waste of time, energy, and everything else. She'd probably be delighted to know that her departure is still ripping you apart.

Time to evolve, man. Make yourself change or be miserable and mope around while she fucks another guy. Your choice!
 
stn said:
What you're doing is just senseless. Waste of time, energy, and everything else. She'd probably be delighted to know that her departure is still ripping you apart.

Time to evolve, man. Make yourself change or be miserable and mope around while she fucks another guy. Your choice!
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There's no way she'd know how I currently feel. Nothing I've posted that she looks (twitter/ig/fb) at would give her that hint. You think I don't want to forget her and move on? I've wanted that since she left me to pursue someone else.
 
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