The last few days were pretty good. I'm finally starting to connect with my class. After the first week and how I barely talked with anyone I was seriously worried about that.
The girl from last week didn't do anything with me, but that's ok and I expected that.
I visited my brother yesterday. He is in an open prison for a couple of weeks now and it's so good to see him outside again. The city where he is located is the one where my ex used to work. Lots of memories came flooding back immediately and after we actually drove past her actual former workplace I lost it again.
The no contact rule helps a lot and I feel a little bit stronger every day.
Could anyone recommend a good therapist or psychiatrist in the Bay Area (San Francisco / Oakland would be best)? There is honestly a lot to choose from and picking out a handful to just check out would be great.
I need someone at this point. My depression is finally too much for me to handle. It's ruined one of my better relationships completely (we're now broken up and not on speaking terms) and I just can't control it anymore. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I can't push back on my own anymore. I just feel on edge all the time. I need someone tangible there, that I can speak to, that isn't over a round of drinks or drugs. My friends are great, but that's what it gets reduced to is, lets drink until I don't have to think about it anymore... until it comes back even worse the next day, unresolved, heavier and barely spoken of.
I apologize to everyone for being absent recently, a friend of mine has been going through a severe crisis of anxiety since Friday and I've spent my days and nights since then with him trying to keep him together.
Things seem to be clearing up so hopefully I'll be able to check in with y'all soon.
i guess you're right
ive just felt so horrible lately and nothing has helped. i can't even go to a doctor because of no insurance
i just feel like im walking through a hallway but it keeps getting longer and darker and i can never see the end of it
So my life got a bit mental and I'm slowly recovering now.
As some of you may know, I suffer from severe anxiety & depression, I also suspect bipolar disorder and schizophrenia - these are being looked in to.
I received a letter against my word to my GP and my mental health assessor, which started off some arguments at home. My parents are not aware of the issues in which I suffer and I feel doubtful about letting them know what the issues are. From this I felt extremely uncomfortable to the point of not being at home or spending as much time away from them as possible.
On Sunday, one of my cats passed away, I watched her die right in front of me and I was heartbroken. I never realised the impact that a small animal would have on my life, the habits and routines that I have are constant reminders that I lost one of my pets.
Monday, I called and booked a therapy session with the NHS and was inducted via a phone call which I received today, they are putting me forward to CBT.
My Medical Assessor's documents against me are completely wrong, stating incorrect information and went against my word of sending letters home. I haven't been able to make contact with her yet, I am only leaving messages with reception.
Oops, I meant to mention in the post that I had been to counseling during college, but I guess it got edited out. I saw two individual therapists(one through the school, and one privately), and I was going to group counseling offered to LGBT students as well. This was all after I realized I was trans, but when I was still deciding whether to transition or not, so these sessions were focused on my gender identity, and not really my sexuality. I want to start seeing a therapist again, but working on the weekdays and transportation issues on the weekends are making that difficult.
Either way, the gender identity stuff feels really separate from the sexuality stuff, mostly because everything in my life feels separate from it. I treat my sexuality like a really private thing that I won't share with anyone and don't really incorporate in my life.
I have other issues I manage(who doesn't?), but I have strategies for dealing with those already and fight every day to manage them or otherwise improve myself, and overall, I feel like a pretty capable and whole person(which hasn't always been the case). My issues with physical intimacy feel like the elephant in the room that I've been avoiding because I don't know what to do about them.
Yeah, sexuality is definitely its own topic that will take some time to tackle. I really don't think there are any magic solutions here - or if there are, I haven't found any. The best option is to thoroughly comb through the building blocks of your sexuality and how they're moving and affecting your life day to day. While it's the sort of exploration that I must imagine can be done individually I've found it best in context of therapy.
Is there any possibility you could speak to your employer and get an accommodation to get out slightly early one afternoon a week to make it out to a therapist? I have a friend who has an agreement like that with her workplace.
I had initial interview with a counsellor about 4 weeks ago I have another appointment next Wednesday too so I'm going to try it out you'll have to forgive me at this point for feeling is a bit of a long shot
I'm glad you've got an appointment coming up, Gritesh. When we're in bad places often anything can feel like a longshot and while it is a long shot of sorts, as our problems are complex and will take time to address, I'm almost certain it's not as long as it's feeling right in this moment. I hope the appointment tomorrow goes well!
I've been battling anxiety and depression throughout my life, starting at 14, and well into my 20s. My anxiety usually persists by me being acutely obsessed with an imaginary ailment I have. A lot of it came to a head these past couple of months with strange, almost manic mood swings due to me anticipating something I have should of done when I was 21. Now my irrational side of my brain has me thinking that all of these negative feelings and muted emotions will be forever permanent and that I will never feel truly happy, even if I were to make the necessary life changes. Right now, I have no interest in my (admittedly) limited hobbies, creative output, any form of socialization and my, I don't know, loss of libido? has me reeling that I may be like this for the rest of my life.
Hell, I even went on a multitude of WebMD-esque websites to see if there was any credibility to something like 'sudden on-set permanent depression' and because nothing came up that it's fixable, it's left me in this existential dread that has been hanging over me this past couple of weeks. Goddamnit, the minute I want to improve myself in any capacity and already my thought processes is trying to sabotage any effort I put in.
My question is, what is the guillotine that suddenly positioned itself over your head and brought on this black hole of dread and sadness? Is it a sense of mortality, or meaninglessness, or loneliness, or something else entirely?
If there is one thing we can count on, it's impermanence. Nothing is permanent. Nothing ever has been and nothing ever will be, so I'm sure that this feeling of yours will not persist forever as you fear. The fear itself, though, is a harsh subject to deal with. Have you considered pursuing therapy, FITG?
After beating MGSV and upping my meds earlier this month I have found some peace and have begun working on my Novel again. I feel strange in a lot of ways, a sort of peacefulness mixed with some depression.
The voices inside my head have been quiet, and I have been able to think more clearly.
Thanks for the reply, my friend. First, to clarify the weight comment. The gentleman saying this was slightly on the heavy side, whereas I appeared thin to him. So I think he meant it as a self-deprecating compliment. Does that make more sense?
As to your second thought. Yes and no. Yes in the sense that my meaningfulness and purpose in life is derived from being around them. I absolutely adore them and they keep me going. This sounds codependent. I acknowledge that. But I also know it is the best anything there has ever been in my life, it's been over nine years together and I derive all the meaning kn the world from it. I derive not a lot of meaning from much else. Video games, media, some. But mostly insofar as I share those with my family. Other relationships, yes. It's not the same though. When I was growing up I wanted to be a writer. I quit writing a few years ago and don't plan to go back. I don't have the talent or sense of self-worth for it (good or bad). I work for the government and am lucky to have an objectively excellent job. I am very, very lucky. I don't find meaning kn my job though. I don't know if a job exists I will ever find meaning in. I really enjoy studying Japanese and that's as much as I know I guess.
I certainly didn't mean to imply that there is anything wrong with codependency - it seems a necessary component of love and companionship. Rather, it seems to me that there's a balance to be found there.
Meaning is big, though. The question is: what, in the past, have you found meaningful? What do you find meaningful currently? What is it that makes an activity meaningful, purposeful? Perhaps from those questions there can arise a sense of how to find greater meaning in your life either through your work or outside of it.
It seems to me that it's natural to go through cycles of having to reestablish meaning and purpose; it's part of what drives us to understand ourselves and our needs and desires and to connect with other people.
It's incredibly frustrating. I've called three times in the last month, and the asshole receptionists -- who act as if you're bothering them when you try to re-book -- haven't called back as of yet.
The doctor's usually great, so I don't get it.
I called the disability office and they haven't received my paperwork, so I'm worried it's either been misplaced or lost in the mail with my personal information on it. Fuck.
I should've said I'd come pick it up and chosen a date, but she said she'd mail the package for me.
You asked if there'd be benefit in going in person? Quite possibly, but I'm shy and kind of scared of it. The more I wait, the more I can try to put it in the back of my mind and not have to worry about it, if that makes sense. Yet I still worry.
I think I just don't want to hear they've lost the paperwork for obvious reasons and the hassle it'll create.
I've also been calling late at night and leaving messages for the same reason. I've started to call during the daytime once, but I ended up hanging up.
Is there any way you could alleviate your fear of going in in person or calling in the daytime? With the amount of snags your situation seems to have hit it may take one dedicated person on the other end of the conversation to break the logjam. Have you been able to motivate yourself to tackle similarly scary situations in the past?
Currently sitting alone in a ratty hotel room in Dallas where I'm staying Thursday - Sunday to go to some concerts.The concerts themselves have been fun. Everything else is a nightmare. All the anxiety, all the time. Doesn't help I arrived in Dallas at exactly 5 pm and nearly had a panic attack trying to get through the traffic. So that immediately made me reluctant to drive anywhere more than a few miles from the hotel. No concert tomorrow so I'll probably just stay in the hotel room all day and eat the snacks I brought with me. I opted to check out Sunday, the day of the final concert, to save money, but that means I'll be out on the streets of Dallas for however many hours before that concert starts, so that's making me nervous. Might see if I can just drive straight to the venue and sit in my car in the parking lot for ~7 hours until the doors open.
I suffer from sever depression, sever anxiety, ptsd, and minor agoraphobia. It sucks and its only gotten worse as of late. I take my meds like im suppose to but its hard to deal with each day. My wife left me about two months ago and that fucked me up. But whats worse is I havent seen our kids since then. I miss them so much. Im just ultra depressed lately.
My meds - 200mg seroquel, 60mg prozac, and 2mg xanax in the morning. In the afternoon I take 1 2mg pill of xanax. At night I take 200mg trazadone, 300mg seroquel, and 2mg of xanax.
Faltimar - are you seeing a therapist as well or only a psychiatrist? I can only imagine the difficulty of losing a significant other and I've come to understand that it's a problem best tackled with help. Also, are you seeing a psychiatrist regularly to monitor those medications?
Well, I meant, for instance, whether your catastrophic thoughts from two or three years ago had come to bear fruit in the present. Often times it can be illuminating to get to the point where catastrophes are supposed to be transpiring and find that only 1/10 or even less of them are correct. Of course, we tend to forget the times our predictions were wrong and latch onto that 10% or less accuracy through confirmation bias. It's a tough nut to crack.
Have you been able to make any progress in understanding these catastrophic predictions to be inaccurate?
Lonelieness is the main issue I think for me. Sure I have friends but I'm always the one contacting them and they're always with their O/H now anyway. I've stopped being invited out because I always say no...But only because of my Anxiety I don't want to go out and lock up and ruin other peoples nights so I don't go anymore and because of my IBS I don't drink a lot either.
My self hate is getting worse with all this....thinking that obviously people don't like me and i've nothing to give to people or potential women (Ha like i'd even get the chance to anyway) so that's why I'm constantly alone. I'm not the best conversationalist, very boring and kinda ditsy...grrrr I can't go on like this it's driving me crazy! I feel like i've got nothing really to live for except to be alone with my self hate.
Well, Rox598, to some extent it sounds like there's some effort you can make (reaching out, saying yes when you are invited, if you're able), and to some extent it sounds like the anxiety is the real bind here. Refresh my memory - have you received treatment for your anxiety? Is it mostly social or is it more general?
Also, it's important to recognize that worrying you're going to ruin other people's nights is ultimately an anxious worry.
Also also, trust me, it's possible to be social (and even go to bars!) without drinking. It's a little weird at first but people get over it.
I have an appointment with a therapist on Tuesday. Luckily they let me print out the forms I have to fill out and bring them in that way, but they still want me there 30 minutes before the appointment time. I don't know why.
Anyway I constantly feel worthless. I don't really know how else to explain it. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I lost my job back in May (programmer) and haven't gotten a new one. I haven't even gotten a single on-site interview since then, and I have applied to tons of jobs, and a ton of phone interviews. None of them ever want to move forward. The one on-site interview I had sounded really promising: It was basically a pair-programming session with them to see how I code. The day before they cancel it on me and say they can't move forward with the application. I asked why and they said they lost their Senior programmer and have to hire a new one to replace him. I have a hard time believing that's the truth. I had a phone interview with a major retailer (for a programmer position there) and they contacted me again wanting to do another phone interview. I was supposed to have it Thursday, but they called me at the appointed time and said they would have to do it another time because they were very busy (some kind of all hands meeting or something). The recruiter actually called me on Friday (she had only communicated with me by email before) and told me that they were busy yesterday and apologized. She scheduled a new time for tomorrow. I really hope this one goes somewhere but I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to fuck it up.
How was your appointment, Hylian?
I'm sorry the job hunt continues to be rough. It really is just a matter of apply, review, learn, and try to apply again, over and over again. Hopefully with each application you learn a bit more about how to make yourself an appealing candidate for a position.
The last few days were pretty good. I'm finally starting to connect with my class. After the first week and how I barely talked with anyone I was seriously worried about that.
The girl from last week didn't do anything with me, but that's ok and I expected that.
I visited my brother yesterday. He is in an open prison for a couple of weeks now and it's so good to see him outside again. The city where he is located is the one where my ex used to work. Lots of memories came flooding back immediately and after we actually drove past her actual former workplace I lost it again.
The no contact rule helps a lot and I feel a little bit stronger every day.
No contact is so scary at first but it ultimately is the best option for a long while. I'm not one of those people who thinks you can NEVER get back in touch with your ex or be cordial (and of course it depends so much on the circumstances, why you broke up, etc) but we really do all need that space to learn and grow and live on our own.
i guess you're right
ive just felt so horrible lately and nothing has helped. i can't even go to a doctor because of no insurance
i just feel like im walking through a hallway but it keeps getting longer and darker and i can never see the end of it
Do you feel there's a possibility of a life lived for its own merit, Labrys? What is the meaning of life? More specifically, what is meaningful to you?
Infinity Patriot, I have to say I really, truly, seriously don't understand why your friends are sending you updates on your ex. That sounds inconsiderate and thoughtless at best. It's created another hurdle in your ongoing journey in recovering from your emotional hurt. Have you asked this friend not to do so any more?
Also, I really do still think that counseling would be immensely helpful. The amount of suffering you've gone through from this break-up really seems extreme, and counseling could be a light to guide you through the dark. Do you have a reservation about or fear of seeking a counselor?
So my life got a bit mental and I'm slowly recovering now.
As some of you may know, I suffer from severe anxiety & depression, I also suspect bipolar disorder and schizophrenia - these are being looked in to.
I received a letter against my word to my GP and my mental health assessor, which started off some arguments at home. My parents are not aware of the issues in which I suffer and I feel doubtful about letting them know what the issues are. From this I felt extremely uncomfortable to the point of not being at home or spending as much time away from them as possible.
On Sunday, one of my cats passed away, I watched her die right in front of me and I was heartbroken. I never realised the impact that a small animal would have on my life, the habits and routines that I have are constant reminders that I lost one of my pets.
Monday, I called and booked a therapy session with the NHS and was inducted via a phone call which I received today, they are putting me forward to CBT.
My Medical Assessor's documents against me are completely wrong, stating incorrect information and went against my word of sending letters home. I haven't been able to make contact with her yet, I am only leaving messages with reception.
Have your parents been unsympathetic to these issues in the past, Jordan? Is there any possibility you could develop a better repor with them so it feels like you're on the same team?
I'm sorry for the loss of your cat. I hope your therapy appointment goes smoothly.
Yeah, sexuality is definitely its own topic that will take some time to tackle. I really don't think there are any magic solutions here - or if there are, I haven't found any. The best option is to thoroughly comb through the building blocks of your sexuality and how they're moving and affecting your life day to day. While it's the sort of exploration that I must imagine can be done individually I've found it best in context of therapy.
Is there any possibility you could speak to your employer and get an accommodation to get out slightly early one afternoon a week to make it out to a therapist? I have a friend who has an agreement like that with her workplace.
Unfortunately, my employer wouldn't go for that. They will work with your schedule if you go to school and need to shift around hours for that, but there are people at work that want to leave early to pick up their children and our employer won't work with them to make that happen.
Have your parents been unsympathetic to these issues in the past, Jordan? Is there any possibility you could develop a better repor with them so it feels like you're on the same team?
I'm sorry for the loss of your cat. I hope your therapy appointment goes smoothly.
My parents are unaware of my issues. I have a hard time opening up to family members or even friends. Whilst I know that they are my parents and they will worry about seeing letters from doctors and hospitals, I am physically okay and I am in no way, shape or form in danger from myself or others.
I used to have a really good friendship with my mum but that went about three or four years ago, unfortunately this left me feeling very awkward around her. I don't have a lot of trust in her, she will snoop around at any point I'm not around. My dad and me are not alike at all, our hobbies are totally different and the only real bonding activity we have together is music.
I find it very difficult living with them, but I hope when/if I move out that the friendship will improve greatly - I mean who doesn't want to be friends with their own parents?
Do you feel there's a possibility of a life lived for its own merit, Labrys? What is the meaning of life? More specifically, what is meaningful to you?
i guess. my mom likes to say everyone was put on this earth for a reason, but lately i guess i haven't been feeling that reason.
i like to think some things are meaningful to me. i enjoy my hobbies and i value the relationships i do have. it just feels a lot of the time that, i guess i'd put it that i have a lower priority level. but i do survive, i guess.
so, i guess the meaning of life is to live and to experience everything you live through. i've just been having difficulties with that part.
and it sucks. i really want to get better.
"Maybe you could just keep that in reserve. Maybe just take a shot at starting over. I dont mean start again. Everybodys done that. Over means over. It means you walk away. I mean, if everthing you are and everthing you have and everthing you have done has brought you at last to the bottom of a whiskey bottle or bought you a one way ticket on the Sunset Limited then you cant give me the first reason on Gods earth for salvagin none of it. Cause they aint no reason. And Im goin to tell you that if you can bring yourself to shut the door on all of that it will be cold and it will be lonely and theyll be a mean wind blowin. And them is all good signs. You dont say nothin. You just turn up your collar and keep walkin.'
I ended up parking in a Walmart parking lot for five or six hours after I checked out of the hotel. Went in to eat dinner at McDonald's. Then I went to the concert and that went fine, then I drove home and got back around 3 or 4 am. So waiting in the parking lot wasn't ideal, but...it worked, I guess. Thanks again for caring.
The doctor's office called two days ago. Finally. Their reason for calling? To let me know that my appointment on the 28th had to be changed to the 30th. So now I've gotta go out a couple of times that day, which I don't exactly like, but one's for that and I want to donate blood.
That's one thing that can help depression.
When they called, they said, "Oh, and she just mailed your paperwork today, so it's been sent." I was kind of taken off guard, and said "Okay. Thanks, but today was actually the deadline." They didn't seem to really care or get it.
At least it's in, and I extended the deadline. Hopefully they'll approve me in not too long, because my teeth need fixing as they hurt.
My Mom had a scan last week, but we never got a follow-up appointment, quite possibly because they know it's difficult for her to travel (wheelchairs hurt her back/butt). The doctor likely would've called if he saw anything, so I'm trying to stay positive and thinking things are fine. I keep worrying though. He gave us his cellphone number before.
She has another one elsewhere in October, but isn't showing any symptoms of cancer, thankfully. She's doing really well and eating like a horse.
Anyone been through electroconvulsive therapy? Looking like that might be the only option left. I realize that I shouldn't let the stigma deter me, but its a little daunting nonetheless.
Also been reading about transcranial magnetic stimulation as a possible short term treatment for depression... anyone knowledgeable or up to date on that particular treatment? Is it something that is accessible through psychiatrists etc? Feel a little weird bringing it up with mine, as it seems a little out there.
Hi! This is my first time peeking in here and I haven't read anything of the thread to be honest, but I just wanted to ask if anyone been dealing with apathy and may have some success stories to share? I've lost touch with my former self since way back and would appreciate some advice on how to find my way back. As I stand now, I've just accepted it as a normal state of life, which I know it's not. How did you go about to address the issue?
I have been in a rut of self-loathing and inactivity for more than a month now. I barely go outside, hate these meds, start to get more and more snappy at people again and I can't feel motivated at all to do anything.
I will be trying luminotherapy as i'm dreading the coming fall and winter, and switch to a new psychiatrist probably. I will keep in touch some other day if light-therapy is any good
I start a group therapy session tomorrow at 9:30am, and I'm not looking forward to it. I'd been on the waiting list for several months, but the people would call me every week and ask if I was doing okay or needed to talk to them about something. That was appreciated, though I almost always said I was okay.
The group is apparently going to be small, with just three or four people and the administrator, but I don't want to talk about my feelings with even that many. I don't mind it one-on-one, but this sounds scary.
If I don't like it, though, and quit, then I potentially lose this ally.
As of last night, I'm now taking the full dose of Zoloft. Pretty pleased I was able to go up to the full dose so quickly. My doctor left it up to me to determine when to up the dose based on side effects, and it only took a week I think. Today wasn't great mentally due to the renewed side effects, but it still wasn't terrible.
Hi! This is my first time peeking in here and I haven't read anything of the thread to be honest, but I just wanted to ask if anyone been dealing with apathy and may have some success stories to share? I've lost touch with my former self since way back and would appreciate some advice on how to find my way back. As I stand now, I've just accepted it as a normal state of life, which I know it's not. How did you go about to address the issue?
Hey guys. I've been following this thread for quite a while, and I feel like I need to vent for once about how how I feel. This may be a bit long-winded and self-pitying, but I can't keep pretending that everything's fine. I feel like I need to talk about it.
For many years, I kept quiet about my personal struggle with depression, as I was in denial about having a problem with myself. I wasn't a talkative person in School, and to be frank I didn't have any friends during my time growing up. Living in the countryside when all the people you know of are in Town didn't help either. I wasn't happy with where I was, I didn't feel like I fitted in where I lived, and all it did was make my depression worse. At my lowest, I locked myself away in the toilets during lunch, because I didn't want to face the world around me. I din't want to bear the isolation I felt while I was in there.
Living with depression while I was in school was awful, because it felt like I was having a second voice in my head, mocking me for every failure that occured or doubting the thoughts in my head that I once thought were clear. At its worst, I would have thoughts about death, regarding either myself or the people around me,as it wanted to scare me, to torture me about what was going on in my head and make me afraid of speaking about it to those closest to me. Living in a country where Mental Health is seen as a stigma didn't help either, knowing that people would look at you funny if they were aware of your mental health status. Ironically, I never self harmed myself as a result. The thoughts of death were so vivid, that it frightened me into never even thinking about self harm.
Fast forward to today, I completed my course in Computer Games Development back in May, received confirmation of my Result in June, took up writing in my spare time last Christmas and started on writing a sort of sequel of a foreign film that I saw before then, going so far as to learn the language where the film was made and based in, because I wanted to do the story justice.
Should sound like everything's fine, right? No. No, it isn't.
Truth is, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. When I started the course, I thought I wanted to be a games developer, because I was so interested in Games, and thought that would be a career I'd want to be involved in. But I was never a programmer, I could barely understand how computer languages worked and had to get extra tuition from the college in order to understand how to complete individual assignments, and because most of my course was technical, we hardly ever did anything surrounding the creative side of things, which was why I wanted to do the course in the first place. The writing of that story I mentioned earlier was, more than anything else, a way to help come to terms with my past because I like the film so much, even though I couldn't understand initially what they were saying, because I felt it reflected on my own life in a way, but it's only a story that might never see the light of day, and every day it makes me fear on whether it'll all be for naught, after working on it in my spare time for so long. I'm on a scheme right now that's suppose to get me on a placement within a studio in Europe (because that's where I am) that's based around games, animation or visual effects, but after several months of searching for a place and finding nothing, it's given me time to think about everything, and the more I think about everything, the more I begin to question if working in the games industry is the right idea for me to do at all. I wanted to get into it in order to create new worlds and write stories and who everyone in the world is and what their individual story is to begin with, but to be honest, I've always had the doubt in me about if this was really the right industry for me to be in to begin with.
Now I just feel like a complete line, having completed a course that I saw out to the end, because I wanted something to show for all my efforts, despite having to get a significant amount of help along the way to get to the finish line, all for an industry where I don't even know I want to have a career in any more, and I feel completely lost about what to do next. All it does is make the depression laugh at me inside my head, knowing that I have no direction, idea or way to go, and that for something I should be proud of completing where so many have failed at, I now feel that be Honours degree is worthless, because its all for an industry I no longer want to be a part of or has little available connections I can follow up on besides IT, which I never wanted to do in the first place.
I feel completely lost, stupid, and unable to even figure out what I want to do any more, and all it does is raise the very real fear in me that I'll never be happy in the job or life that I'm in, and I just honestly don't know where to go from here, or how to cope with the depression that's quick to pounce on me and mock me for when things go wrong.
I'm not sure if this is the place I should be asking this (since it's not a personal problem) but I need some advice.
My little sister (10yo) is having a problem with her group of friends, because one of them suddenly hates her and tried to push her away from the group. Today, she was crying at school because none of them talked to her (including her best friend).
I'm pretty sure this is just a stupid fight between little kids, but I was bullied when I was her age for being obese (she isn't) and I tried to run from home. And I'm scared she might try to do something similar.
Should I do something?, talk in the school or with the moms of the kids?, I know you cant force kids to be friends and maybe talking with the moms will make the fight worse, but I'm really worried.
I think it's still too early to go to a psychologist but again I'm not sure (she did say she was depressed and she wanted to move from the school)
(Sorry for my english, I haven't practiced in a while)
I'm not a parent, nor am I the best person to give such advice, but I would advise talking to your sister and being there for her at the very least. I would reach out to the other kids' parents if you can.
I just got home from my therapy group's first session and it went really well. It wasn't what they'd planned, though. They had planned to make it a two person group since we both have OCD, but the other guy's wife's father had a stroke. It's too bad and he wasn't able to make it as a result.
The administrator at this community mental health place decided that she would have me in this week, then meet with him next week. We'll then start week two, officially, on the 8th of October. So I get a week off, but it extends the 7 week course by one week.
We talked about my situation, which is fucked. She also had me fill out a booklet ranking all of my symptoms from 1-5. It was based around depression.
I also got three booklets' worth of homework to fill out. I'll get to it tonight most-likely.
Anyways, I said that my self value is low and that I incorrectly vent on Facebook because I want people to not chastise me or look down their noses at me and understand. It doesn't work, though, and I have family members on two sides who have become toxic. A lot of it is due to the fact that I don't work and come from a VERY hardworking family. But she had a good point and said that my full-time job should be to focus on myself.
I'd say I don't feel. I have a hard time remembering how genuine laughter feels like. I know the facial expression and how to mimic it, and I know how to appropriately respond to social situations. But it just doesn't resonate inside. I miss being sad, something I never thought I'd say to myself some years back. But mostly I miss feeling affection.
Honestly, I think that my brain has played an amazing trick on me by pushing negative thoughts aside, but by doing so also numbed my other senses as well.
However, I function. I have a job and I sustain myself. But as I get older I realize that money can't do anything for me so I might as well be off work and concentrate on my health. But I'm scared that if I'd take that step and don't get any better, how could I go back?
Well, I meant, for instance, whether your catastrophic thoughts from two or three years ago had come to bear fruit in the present. Often times it can be illuminating to get to the point where catastrophes are supposed to be transpiring and find that only 1/10 or even less of them are correct. Of course, we tend to forget the times our predictions were wrong and latch onto that 10% or less accuracy through confirmation bias. It's a tough nut to crack.
Have you been able to make any progress in understanding these catastrophic predictions to be inaccurate?
Well, 3 years ago I figured I'd still be in the same place, so that was true. Though I imagined myself going away to university (living on res) and possibly committing suicide there. That hasn't happened.
It's really hard to process any sort of analytical thinking when you can barely get your brain to function enough to remember what you did yesterday or what day of the week it is. That's mostly the reason I took this time off from school, and it hasn't gotten any better. Worse, maybe.
So I think I've realized that a lot of my social anxiety stems from me constantly analyzing situations. I think (worry) about everything, from who I may run into tomorrow to what I might say or do around them, to how they may react. I try to think of outcomes for every possible situation, the best possible things to say, everything. It really has a negative impact on when I actually am around these people, because a vast majority of the things I think will happen don't, and a lot of the things I think people think about me, they probably don't. All it does is make me jittery around them and unable to actually say anything.
Anyone who has had this issue, how do you deal with it?
Well, Rox598, to some extent it sounds like there's some effort you can make (reaching out, saying yes when you are invited, if you're able), and to some extent it sounds like the anxiety is the real bind here. Refresh my memory - have you received treatment for your anxiety? Is it mostly social or is it more general?
Also, it's important to recognize that worrying you're going to ruin other people's nights is ultimately an anxious worry.
Also also, trust me, it's possible to be social (and even go to bars!) without drinking. It's a little weird at first but people get over it.
Only medical (Cetalipram or something?) 5ml then 10 then 20 and finally 30 is where i drew the line as nothing was helping. and it's mainly social I don't want people to ignore me which happens a lot on nights out and in general i'm always the one people go to when there's no one else around so I don't want that on a night out as it'll be worse when they're all drinking and i'm not.
I even had a major anxiety attack while on holiday with my 2 best friends. I mean if I can't enjoy myself around 2 people who I trust 100% how can I with others? i've just got no confidence, I hate myself, people ignore me and my anxiety stops me from going places with people especially if there's a lot going. I just worry what pople think if I went out and how closed up I am etc so I think about it too much then don't go. it's making my life hell and i'm stagnating so bad with no sign of it ever changing. Being alone every day is even worse I think i'd be better with someone around whop cares ya know?
As I said, my doctor's office took forever to get my disability paperwork in. They had it for two months and waited until the due date to send them into the city an hour away. It would maybe take 2-3 days for the mail to get there, and it takes them several days to process paperwork when they get it.
I called a week or more before the due date, asked if my paperwork had been received because I hadn't heard from the doctor's office, and then had to ask for an extension. The lady told me that I had until December.
Today, we got the mail, which had been sitting, and I had a letter from the 21st (the due date), saying that they hadn't received my paperwork and I hadn't asked for an extension. The paperwork says that my application is cancelled and I will need to start anew, unless I write and ask for a tribunal review. They will overturn their decision if things happened out of my control, but it delays the process further.
For fuck sakes. I did everything right! I had my paperwork done two months in advance before I gave it to the doctor. I called and followed-up. I asked for an extension.
FUCK. I need benefits because my teeth are fucked.
Piano - I'm still seeing my psychiatrist, but I dont see my therapist anymore. Since my wife left I have no legit insurance for Private doctors. I was on my wifes insurance. Now all I have is medi-cal and medicare. Which means I basically have to go to County Mental Health. I cant stand that place. Not once have I left there without crying because the people that are suppose to help me are just rude and think everyone that comes through there is a junky of some sort.
Yes, im on permanent disability do to my mental conditions. I collect SSD and SSI.
So I think I've realized that a lot of my social anxiety stems from me constantly analyzing situations. I think (worry) about everything, from who I may run into tomorrow to what I might say or do around them, to how they may react. I try to think of outcomes for every possible situation, the best possible things to say, everything. It really has a negative impact on when I actually am around these people, because a vast majority of the things I think will happen don't, and a lot of the things I think people think about me, they probably don't. All it does is make me jittery around them and unable to actually say anything.
Anyone who has had this issue, how do you deal with it?
I do this. Being overanalytical might be holding you back at this point in your life but it can be a strength when applied outside of social situations. You might find yourself in a scenario where another person would love nothing more than for you to let your guard down.
Not really. There's one class I'm having trouble with. We're doing a group project on making an android app on recipe and I'm contemplating on wanting to withdraw from that class because I'm just going to hold them back. I have no motivation in wanting to code, and I haven't even practiced coding. The situation sucks for me because I'm not on the same page as them during the meeting we had yesterday. I might talk to my instructor, but he might say what I'm thinking he's going to say.
Had a rough last couple days, resulting in minor panic attack today, which I may have gotten once in my life before. Things will get better. Found this on my tumblr feed.
Why does everything that could possibly go wrong go wrong? I can't believe how much of a shit show this application has turned into after I did everything right and got it ready months in advance.
How could they not have logged my extension when I called? I asked about it twice.
I wish I'd seen the letter earlier. It'd been sitting in the mailbox since the 21st, and now it's the weekend so I can't call and can only stress.
Why does everything that could possibly go wrong go wrong? I can't believe how much of a shit show this application has turned into after I did everything right and got it ready months in advance.
How could they not have logged my extension when I called? I asked about it twice.
I wish I'd seen the letter earlier. It'd been sitting in the mailbox since the 21st, and now it's the weekend so I can't call and can only stress.
Three weeks of unattended class and I still haven't told my parents I want to drop out.
I know it's for the best. I don't want to be drowning in debt from a degree that wont get me where I want to be. I have it all worked out, but I'm terrified to tell my parents. The guilt is the worst part since they love parading around their so-called 'genius' son. Then there's the stigma of dropping out. Guh.
Unfortunately, my employer wouldn't go for that. They will work with your schedule if you go to school and need to shift around hours for that, but there are people at work that want to leave early to pick up their children and our employer won't work with them to make that happen.
Would it be worth checking with them just in case? If you were able to get an as-late-as-possible appointment time with a therapist you'd only have to miss an hour of work per week, which is probably less than the flexibility they grant to the students and parents.
Alternatively, there are therapists out there who see patients quite late. My current therapist goes until 7PM one day a week to accommodate such cases. Would you be able to make a 5PM or 6PM appointment?
My parents are unaware of my issues. I have a hard time opening up to family members or even friends. Whilst I know that they are my parents and they will worry about seeing letters from doctors and hospitals, I am physically okay and I am in no way, shape or form in danger from myself or others.
I used to have a really good friendship with my mum but that went about three or four years ago, unfortunately this left me feeling very awkward around her. I don't have a lot of trust in her, she will snoop around at any point I'm not around. My dad and me are not alike at all, our hobbies are totally different and the only real bonding activity we have together is music.
I find it very difficult living with them, but I hope when/if I move out that the friendship will improve greatly - I mean who doesn't want to be friends with their own parents?
For what it's worth, moving out of my parents house did greatly improve my relationship with them ... eventually. It took a few years but we started appreciating each other more and something about having me living out on my own brought them around to treating me more as an adult and less like a child. Not that it's been perfect - there are still times when I must remind my mother that I'm 25, not 15, and yes, I've tried eggplant many times and still don't like it.
So yes, there's a good chance that some space will give both you and your parents greater perspective on your relationship.
In the mean time, Jordan, there's got to be somebody somewhere you feel comfortable opening up at least a little bit with. Even if you feel you don't relate to your parents they may understand more than you think - they've been through long, varied lives, after all. The point is that holding all of it in to ourselves is extremely exhausting!
i guess. my mom likes to say everyone was put on this earth for a reason, but lately i guess i haven't been feeling that reason.
i like to think some things are meaningful to me. i enjoy my hobbies and i value the relationships i do have. it just feels a lot of the time that, i guess i'd put it that i have a lower priority level. but i do survive, i guess.
so, i guess the meaning of life is to live and to experience everything you live through. i've just been having difficulties with that part.
and it sucks. i really want to get better.
I ended up parking in a Walmart parking lot for five or six hours after I checked out of the hotel. Went in to eat dinner at McDonald's. Then I went to the concert and that went fine, then I drove home and got back around 3 or 4 am. So waiting in the parking lot wasn't ideal, but...it worked, I guess. Thanks again for caring.
Anyone been through electroconvulsive therapy? Looking like that might be the only option left. I realize that I shouldn't let the stigma deter me, but its a little daunting nonetheless.
Also been reading about transcranial magnetic stimulation as a possible short term treatment for depression... anyone knowledgeable or up to date on that particular treatment? Is it something that is accessible through psychiatrists etc? Feel a little weird bringing it up with mine, as it seems a little out there.
I have not had first hand experience with either but have heard both to be effective. I have heard much more about ECT than TMS since the magnetic thing is a much newer phenomenon. It is something that's accessible through psychiatrists, yes, as long as there is a center / hospital / something in your area that performs one or the other. In my city, for instance, ECT is offered through the hospital (so you'd have to get admitted through the recommendation of a psych) but TMS is offered through a standalone office (I think it also needs recommendation of a psych but I'm not sure).
A psychiatrist is going to know the most about your local options, though, and will have a better idea of what's appropriate for your situation. ECT, at least, is generally a last-line treatment after many medications and other therapies have been tried.
I have been in a rut of self-loathing and inactivity for more than a month now. I barely go outside, hate these meds, start to get more and more snappy at people again and I can't feel motivated at all to do anything.
I will be trying luminotherapy as i'm dreading the coming fall and winter, and switch to a new psychiatrist probably. I will keep in touch some other day if light-therapy is any good
Ah, my mistake, sorry. Have the therapy sessions been helpful at all?
And yes, it takes a while for the thought or mention of an ex to not bring us down. I have been doing pretty well the past few weeks (very busy, but well) but then a bad exchange with an ex yesterday took the wind out of my sails. Not as much as it used to, but it's still sore.
Should sound like everything's fine, right? No. No, it isn't.
Truth is, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. When I started the course, I thought I wanted to be a games developer, because I was so interested in Games, and thought that would be a career I'd want to be involved in. But I was never a programmer, I could barely understand how computer languages worked and had to get extra tuition from the college in order to understand how to complete individual assignments, and because most of my course was technical, we hardly ever did anything surrounding the creative side of things, which was why I wanted to do the course in the first place. The writing of that story I mentioned earlier was, more than anything else, a way to help come to terms with my past because I like the film so much, even though I couldn't understand initially what they were saying, because I felt it reflected on my own life in a way, but it's only a story that might never see the light of day, and every day it makes me fear on whether it'll all be for naught, after working on it in my spare time for so long. I'm on a scheme right now that's suppose to get me on a placement within a studio in Europe (because that's where I am) that's based around games, animation or visual effects, but after several months of searching for a place and finding nothing, it's given me time to think about everything, and the more I think about everything, the more I begin to question if working in the games industry is the right idea for me to do at all. I wanted to get into it in order to create new worlds and write stories and who everyone in the world is and what their individual story is to begin with, but to be honest, I've always had the doubt in me about if this was really the right industry for me to be in to begin with.
Now I just feel like a complete line, having completed a course that I saw out to the end, because I wanted something to show for all my efforts, despite having to get a significant amount of help along the way to get to the finish line, all for an industry where I don't even know I want to have a career in any more, and I feel completely lost about what to do next. All it does is make the depression laugh at me inside my head, knowing that I have no direction, idea or way to go, and that for something I should be proud of completing where so many have failed at, I now feel that be Honours degree is worthless, because its all for an industry I no longer want to be a part of or has little available connections I can follow up on besides IT, which I never wanted to do in the first place.
I feel completely lost, stupid, and unable to even figure out what I want to do any more, and all it does is raise the very real fear in me that I'll never be happy in the job or life that I'm in, and I just honestly don't know where to go from here, or how to cope with the depression that's quick to pounce on me and mock me for when things go wrong.
BigAl,
first of all, it really doesn't sound (to me at least) like your degree was worthless.
It sounds like you're having some doubts about the career path you've chosen and I think that's perfectly okay, especially considering your difficulties in finding a position right now. The longer we sit and ruminate about the same decision ("what sort of job field should I be in") the more and more we just doubt ourselves and that self-doubt grows and grows.
It seems to me, though, that you have nothing to lose in trying out a position in the field you're aimed at. If you hate it, you can quit. But the point is you won't know exactly how you feel about a job until you have it, and chances are there either will be some creative elements in your position or a way to advance into a position that incorporates those creative elements. Ultimately every career path is going to make us start near the bottom of the totem pole and work our way up - it's inevitable.
As you're investigating Plan A maybe a Plan B will come into focus. Or maybe Plan A will work out after all. There's no way to know until you try!
I'm not sure if this is the place I should be asking this (since it's not a personal problem) but I need some advice.
My little sister (10yo) is having a problem with her group of friends, because one of them suddenly hates her and tried to push her away from the group. Today, she was crying at school because none of them talked to her (including her best friend).
I'm pretty sure this is just a stupid fight between little kids, but I was bullied when I was her age for being obese (she isn't) and I tried to run from home. And I'm scared she might try to do something similar.
Should I do something?, talk in the school or with the moms of the kids?, I know you cant force kids to be friends and maybe talking with the moms will make the fight worse, but I'm really worried.
I think it's still too early to go to a psychologist but again I'm not sure (she did say she was depressed and she wanted to move from the school)
(Sorry for my english, I haven't practiced in a while)
Before you go talking to the others' parents I think it's important to talk to your sister more, become a mentor to her and gain her trust. Perhaps you could get to a place where she would feel comfortable promising you she won't run away, or at least will tell you if she's planning on it. Plus having a trusted family member to talk to will likely make her feel a lot better. I'm not totally sure what you should do after that, but I think it'll become clearer as you support your sister and see how she's doing.
I'd say I don't feel. I have a hard time remembering how genuine laughter feels like. I know the facial expression and how to mimic it, and I know how to appropriately respond to social situations. But it just doesn't resonate inside. I miss being sad, something I never thought I'd say to myself some years back. But mostly I miss feeling affection.
Honestly, I think that my brain has played an amazing trick on me by pushing negative thoughts aside, but by doing so also numbed my other senses as well.
However, I function. I have a job and I sustain myself. But as I get older I realize that money can't do anything for me so I might as well be off work and concentrate on my health. But I'm scared that if I'd take that step and don't get any better, how could I go back?
Well, 3 years ago I figured I'd still be in the same place, so that was true. Though I imagined myself going away to university (living on res) and possibly committing suicide there. That hasn't happened.
It's really hard to process any sort of analytical thinking when you can barely get your brain to function enough to remember what you did yesterday or what day of the week it is. That's mostly the reason I took this time off from school, and it hasn't gotten any better. Worse, maybe.
Strangely, doing less (and thus having less things to remember) makes my memory much worse. The structure of school or work or what have you tends to also structure my thoughts and memories such that they're easier to keep track of. I've also found memory to be quite circumstantial, as in, if you were to walk up to me on the street and cold ask me what I did last weekend I'd have to think for a bit to figure it out (and sometimes I straight up can't remember!). But when discussing things in a greater context those memories do tend to show up when needed ... though again, not always.
What has kept you from committing suicide? (I am glad you haven't).
So I think I've realized that a lot of my social anxiety stems from me constantly analyzing situations. I think (worry) about everything, from who I may run into tomorrow to what I might say or do around them, to how they may react. I try to think of outcomes for every possible situation, the best possible things to say, everything. It really has a negative impact on when I actually am around these people, because a vast majority of the things I think will happen don't, and a lot of the things I think people think about me, they probably don't. All it does is make me jittery around them and unable to actually say anything.
Anyone who has had this issue, how do you deal with it?
It's a gradual process of learning to separate the actual reality of situations from second level analysis and anxieties about them. The first step is to begin to recognize every time these thoughts pop up and be able to differentiate them from objective reality. It sounds as though you're already doing that to some extent, and that is definitely a good thing.
Only medical (Cetalipram or something?) 5ml then 10 then 20 and finally 30 is where i drew the line as nothing was helping. and it's mainly social I don't want people to ignore me which happens a lot on nights out and in general i'm always the one people go to when there's no one else around so I don't want that on a night out as it'll be worse when they're all drinking and i'm not.
I even had a major anxiety attack while on holiday with my 2 best friends. I mean if I can't enjoy myself around 2 people who I trust 100% how can I with others? i've just got no confidence, I hate myself, people ignore me and my anxiety stops me from going places with people especially if there's a lot going. I just worry what pople think if I went out and how closed up I am etc so I think about it too much then don't go. it's making my life hell and i'm stagnating so bad with no sign of it ever changing. Being alone every day is even worse I think i'd be better with someone around whop cares ya know?
What strikes me, Rox598, is that most of your post is relating to your perception of social situations ("it's awful if I'm the only one not drinking!") rather than the situations themselves. Anxiety and fear tell us a lot of things, and I've found a lot of those things to be way off the mark.
And there are many reasons one could have a less-than-great outing even with a very close friend. One strike-out does not define the game, if that makes sense. Plus, nobody truly 100% gets every facet of our being, so I've found close friendships to be differentiated by our constant quest for that 100% understanding rather than actually attaining it. If something isn't working about hanging out with your close friends one would hope you can bring it up with them, and through this conversation about your suffering you can all come closer together.
In the mean time, have you talked to your prescribing doctor about your medication not working? There are many, many effective medicines for anxiety out there, and I'm certain many of them would work well for you.
Piano - I'm still seeing my psychiatrist, but I dont see my therapist anymore. Since my wife left I have no legit insurance for Private doctors. I was on my wifes insurance. Now all I have is medi-cal and medicare. Which means I basically have to go to County Mental Health. I cant stand that place. Not once have I left there without crying because the people that are suppose to help me are just rude and think everyone that comes through there is a junky of some sort.
Yes, im on permanent disability do to my mental conditions. I collect SSD and SSI.
Oof, that does sound rough, Faltimar. In the absence of being able to see a therapist, at least for now, is there anyone you're able to open up to about everything that's going on? Family or friends?
Not really. There's one class I'm having trouble with. We're doing a group project on making an android app on recipe and I'm contemplating on wanting to withdraw from that class because I'm just going to hold them back. I have no motivation in wanting to code, and I haven't even practiced coding. The situation sucks for me because I'm not on the same page as them during the meeting we had yesterday. I might talk to my instructor, but he might say what I'm thinking he's going to say.
Had a rough last couple days, resulting in minor panic attack today, which I may have gotten once in my life before. Things will get better. Found this on my tumblr feed.
https://36.media.tumblr.com/b8f074fb7c63a6a840f7acd4b70b3bf6/tumblr_inline_np32z36n1r1rhpnp4_540.jpg[IMG]
*thinks about kirby* *feels better*[/QUOTE]
Sorry to hear you had a panic episode, AcridMeat, but I'm glad you're able to keep a balanced perspective on it.
As I said, my doctor's office took forever to get my disability paperwork in. They had it for two months and waited until the due date to send them into the city an hour away. It would maybe take 2-3 days for the mail to get there, and it takes them several days to process paperwork when they get it.
I called a week or more before the due date, asked if my paperwork had been received because I hadn't heard from the doctor's office, and then had to ask for an extension. The lady told me that I had until December.
Today, we got the mail, which had been sitting, and I had a letter from the 21st (the due date), saying that they hadn't received my paperwork and I hadn't asked for an extension. The paperwork says that my application is cancelled and I will need to start anew, unless I write and ask for a tribunal review. They will overturn their decision if things happened out of my control, but it delays the process further.
For fuck sakes. I did everything right! I had my paperwork done two months in advance before I gave it to the doctor. I called and followed-up. I asked for an extension.
FUCK. I need benefits because my teeth are fucked.[/QUOTE]
Damn. No two ways aorund it, Chewie, that sucks.
I know it seems like you're getting almost nowhere but I really hope you're able to keep at it. I'm sure it'll be worth it once it all works out, even if it takes ten detours through bureaucracy in the mean time.
[quote="Azurex, post: 180000695"]Three weeks of unattended class and I still haven't told my parents I want to drop out.
I know it's for the best. I don't want to be drowning in debt from a degree that wont get me where I want to be. I have it all worked out, but I'm terrified to tell my parents. The guilt is the worst part since they love parading around their so-called 'genius' son. Then there's the stigma of dropping out. Guh.[/QUOTE]
If you're unable to attend class, Azurex, it's important that you notify your teachers and / or the dean of students ASAP to get accommodations. Have you been in touch with anyone about it?
Today, not much really. A lot of things did though, with 'did' being the keyword. Friends and social contact of course, I was into modifying consoles and tinkering with electronics, as well as creating music and art on a daily basis. But today nothing excites me or grabs my attention. I only spend time on the least energy and mental consuming activities possible. Mostly browning the web and watching series or lets plays, even if they don't grab my interest right from the start.
Hey MentalGaf, it's been a few weeks. My depression has been bad the last few days due to my relationship (or lack thereof) with my ex. As I've said before we broke up about three months ago and I went no contact for two months. She didn't break up with me to my face and I think she lied to me as she kept calling it a "break". I saw her this week at a social event but she is a wierd individual.
I was wondering if anyone had experience with Borderline Personality Disorder. While I'd label her as high functioning my ex has been diagnosed with BPD and as I've read up more about it since the break up the more I see it. When I saw her this week i tried to be civil but she would barely talk to me or at least not try to carry conversations but she'd get really happy to see other right in front of me and get up and hug them. She's either really ignorant of my feelings or actively trying to hurt me. I ended up getting pretty drunk and depressed about the whole thing but luckily didn't confront her in this state.
She was meant to turn up to another event (at least that's what she told me through 1 word replies on FB) later in the week but never did. While this did mean I could be more relaxed, I worried it's because I was there but it turns out she just hadn't got up in time. This wouldn't have been a big deal if it hadn't been 6pm. Her sleep schedule is messed up and all she does is play ESO. She's meant to start uni at some point this week but I can't imagine her handling it well.
I know I should try to detach as much as possible. After all she was a bad girlfriend in the last months of the relationship (it wasn't a partnership long before it stopped being a relationship). She'd rather play ESO or watch twitch than hang out with me and she got to anxious to come and support me at my grandmothers funeral but I can't stand knowing the woman I devoted over a year and a half of my life to a) Shows absolutely no positive feelings to me suddenly and b) is damaging her future.
It's getting harder and harder not to let this feeling of loneliness from getting me down. I haven't had any friends where I live for sometime and I have only really two close friends online. Hearing them talk about how much fun they have doing stuff with others just reminds me even more of what I haven't had in a long time. The things I'd use to distract myself from these thought's like gaming and music have been less and less effective as of late. Which has made me just embrace the feeling bit by bit to drive me in the right direction. Just being able to vent this has made me feel a tad bit better.
I do this. Being overanalytical might be holding you back at this point in your life but it can be a strength when applied outside of social situations. You might find yourself in a scenario where another person would love nothing more than for you to let your guard down.
It's a gradual process of learning to separate the actual reality of situations from second level analysis and anxieties about them. The first step is to begin to recognize every time these thoughts pop up and be able to differentiate them from objective reality. It sounds as though you're already doing that to some extent, and that is definitely a good thing.
Thanks for the replies. I know my issue isn't nearly as bad as some of the other people in here are dealing with, so I don't want to whine too much about it, but it's also good to hear that other people have similar issues and have ways to deal with them.
I'll just try to stop myself when I'm having these thoughts from now on and try to decide if they're reasonable worries or if I'm just overthinking things. I've been doing it the last few days and it helps a lot, I just have to catch myself before I get too deep into it. Thanks again.
After a couple weeks of lurking I decided to join this thread, this is in fact my first post ever on this forum which is kind of funny - Oh the pressure !
My name is A Lover So Funky, I'm an eternal lover and collector of everything music and video games, blue collar worker and sometime calm as a tree, sometime party animal !
The reason I'm here in this thread is because a couple years ago I got diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.
In the beginning, I was in college, living the party life and had decent grades when one day I started hallucinating: seeing UFOs in the sky, feeling someone tapping my shoulder when there's nobody, smelling rotten meat in the cleanest places, hearing voices telling me I'm worthless etc. Since I've been diagnosed, a lot changed, generally for the worse: I had to drop out of college, I lost some friends and dating has been a lot harder and my what used to be good memory went down the toilet. I've had many breakdowns, one had me put in a psychiatric ward (Jeez that sucked !)
I was able to recover relatively quickly thanks to effective medications and a great support group such as many friends, a social worker and a psychologist. Even if I feel a part of me as been healed, there's always this thing that bugged me:
I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept this illness.
The thing is, I was always a happy and talkative person, I rarely got down and sad (and still do), but when I got into that dark place, it was dark. This is when I descended into drinking, often with friends at bars and clubs, sometimes alone but always in a massive amount, enough to pass out. I used to get drunk once every weekend, then two during the week, then three, even four sometimes. I don't think I ever got addicted to liquid ethanol but I knew I had a problem. I went on a break of drinking for about half a year.
During that time I was able to go back and spend my drinking money on things I really love: music and video games. Instead of drinking all night, I would listen to a few records I bought the same day or playing video games with some friends. I also explored philosophy a lot, Buddhism especially.
Until, one day, I felt good again. I learned to enjoy life like it is, even through the bad days, there's always something to look for.
I started drinking again after the six months but something changed: I didn't felt guilty for drinking. I also didn't need to get drunk to forget my life, two beers was enough.
A few years has passed now and became who I am today !
I would love to join this thread to give help and advice to those who needs it and maybe just talk about stuff. I would love to hear some of your stories and while I won't guarantee to respond to everyone, I will try to help whenever I can !
Remember that wanting and asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it is in fact quite the contrary: wanting to better ourselves is the path towards happiness.
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My question is, what is the guillotine that suddenly positioned itself over your head and brought on this black hole of dread and sadness? Is it a sense of mortality, or meaninglessness, or loneliness, or something else entirely?
If there is one thing we can count on, it's impermanence. Nothing is permanent. Nothing ever has been and nothing ever will be, so I'm sure that this feeling of yours will not persist forever as you fear. The fear itself, though, is a harsh subject to deal with. Have you considered pursuing therapy, FITG?
The 'guillotine' is not living up to my preconceived expectations of being a 20-something person. Having relationships, a career, a sense of stability, social longing. It's a burden I feel obligated to bear sometimes and felt guilty that I was not aggressively pursuing those avenues. In fact, that sense of impending permanence landed me in the ER recently with probably the worst anxiety attack I have felt ever. I just turned 28 and 2 years from now, I'll be 30. I don't want to make a big deal about the big 3-0, but plenty of people do, especially in the context of your goals, conquests, interests and how mine feel so misaligned from everyone else. It's as if as i am behind the bell curve and I have to make haste to catch up with the herd.
When I get back to my hometown, I will be pursuing therapy as past experiences with the bureaucracy of therapy have left me considerably pessimistic in receiving adequate help. Thanks for replying too.
Hey MentalGaf, it's been a few weeks. My depression has been bad the last few days due to my relationship (or lack thereof) with my ex. As I've said before we broke up about three months ago and I went no contact for two months. She didn't break up with me to my face and I think she lied to me as she kept calling it a "break". I saw her this week at a social event but she is a wierd individual.
I was wondering if anyone had experience with Borderline Personality Disorder. While I'd label her as high functioning my ex has been diagnosed with BPD and as I've read up more about it since the break up the more I see it. When I saw her this week i tried to be civil but she would barely talk to me or at least not try to carry conversations but she'd get really happy to see other right in front of me and get up and hug them. She's either really ignorant of my feelings or actively trying to hurt me. I ended up getting pretty drunk and depressed about the whole thing but luckily didn't confront her in this state.
She was meant to turn up to another event (at least that's what she told me through 1 word replies on FB) later in the week but never did. While this did mean I could be more relaxed, I worried it's because I was there but it turns out she just hadn't got up in time. This wouldn't have been a big deal if it hadn't been 6pm. Her sleep schedule is messed up and all she does is play ESO. She's meant to start uni at some point this week but I can't imagine her handling it well.
I know I should try to detach as much as possible. After all she was a bad girlfriend in the last months of the relationship (it wasn't a partnership long before it stopped being a relationship). She'd rather play ESO or watch twitch than hang out with me and she got to anxious to come and support me at my grandmothers funeral but I can't stand knowing the woman I devoted over a year and a half of my life to a) Shows absolutely no positive feelings to me suddenly and b) is damaging her future.
I'm pretty sure my ex has BPD and something that helped me deal with everything that happened was reading about other people's experiences. I started to see that her behavior towards me didn't real have so much to do with me and was actually fairly common among people with the disorder. It's just kind of what they do. It made things feel a lot less personal.
Your situation sounds fairly typical. Mild even compared to a lot of cases out there. All I can say is don't take it personal. It's not you. It's the disorder. The more you read up about it the more it will become clear.
Quick question, not that it's occurring to me but I'm curious..
If someone is diagnosed with anxiety, they take medication and then stop, will they always have that anxiety there?
Does medication just subside the effects of anxiety until you stop? Or does it permanently stop it...
Also, if you were to visit a psychologist, are they able to determine which mental conditions you have? I've heard of the saying that it is only diagnosed when it begins interfering with your daily life. Does that mean they only diagnose you with what is interfering with your life?
Though I imagined myself going away to university (living on res) and possibly committing suicide there. That hasn't happened. 
