Support NeoGAF

[Adam_Roman]

I don't think I've ever posted in here before out of fear of judgement or whatever, but I'm compelled to share today.

I've always had minor issues with depression since I was about 14 (at least that's when I noticed it). I just chose to ignore it though, partially because that's what my mom did. She and my grandmother both have depression and she didn't want to come to terms with the fact that she may have passed it down to me. Anyway, as I got into college as an animation major, things started getting worse. I noticed every semester I was getting more and more stressed and anxious and sad. Last fall, I started my third year and began living on campus with 3 friends. The end of the fall semester hit me hard but I still had my friends to rely on and vice versa. Fast forward to February, I decided I wanted to get a job while in school to earn some cash. I applied and got hired at Sam's Club. I was working a nice meaty 20-25 hours a week, so I was making good money, but it was making me a bit more stressed as the semester continued.

In April they started upping me to 30 hours, despite asking them before to limit me to 20 hours. They still shrugged it off and as finals came up, I was absolutely freaking out. Things eventually got to a point where I was missing nearly all my classes, sleeping in late, randomly breaking out sobbing to the point where I'd be having fun with friends and have to go to my room for 5 minutes to bawl my eyes out. I couldn't take the stress, my grades were slipping, and my performance at work was down. I eventually called my mom from the parking lot of work, barely able to speak telling her I can't do it anymore. She asked "What, work? School?" and I could only respond with "Everything." After talking for about half an hour, I was able to calm down a bit and my mom told me I could take a semester off from school to rethink things, and that I should probably quit my job and try my best for the rest of the semester. So I quit.

I was still barely going to class, still waking up late, but I wasn't crying as much. I just felt empty. My friends could tell too. Eventually I told them I'd been seriously depressed and that I'd be taking a break from school next semester. They were all sad but very supportive. I went to my mom's doctor and told her how I was feeling and prescribed me an antidepressant. After that semester when I moved back home, things just felt so different. I felt like I was standing still as everyone else moved forward. This is mid-May at this point.

I was using Tinder every now and then to see if I might just happen to find someone interesting I could be friends with. I matched with a girl who immediately messaged "hey " and we started talking. We had tons in common and set up a date. We went out and it was amazing. I could tell she got me and what I was going through, and I got her and what she was going through. After a few more dates we officially became a couple and still are currently. She was really a turning point in my life because I had sunk so low, and suddenly she came along and helped me climb out of it. Mid-June, I began looking for a job again. Long story short, nothing.

Jump to October 18th. I don't even remember all of what happened, but my father is very high strung and short fused. I remember running the dishwasher when it was half full and him screaming at me for wasting soap and water. The next hour or so is a blur, but I remember sitting in my room and hearing him yell at my mom "He's not my kid anymore as far as I'm concerned". I broke down crying and my mom tried to tell me he didn't mean it and all I could think is that nobody would even consider saying something like that if they didn't mean it. My mom gave me money to fill up my gas tank and visit my girlfriend for the day to wait for her to try and defuse the situation. My dad still hasn't apologized for it and according to my mom he doesn't even remember saying it. To this day I don't know how I feel about him anymore.

Over the next few weeks I started getting better though. My girlfriend's been a huge help and her family's so considerate and appreciative. This brings me to Monday. I got a call from a local grocery store asking for an interview on Wednesday. I've had about a half-dozen interviews since I started applying to places in mid-June, so I wasn't particularly excited or anything because for all I knew it'd just go like those and they wouldn't hire me. I go in and they say almost immediately that they're currently hiring for the meat department if I'm interested. I immediately say yes, and they tell me orientation is on Thursday. So today, I officially got a job for the first time since early May. It's only part time, but it's a start and that's what counts.

Looking back at where I was at in May to where I am now, I feel like I've come so far. I'm no longer standing still. I'm actually moving and it feels amazing.

As a bonus, here's a song that helped me get through some of the worse parts.

 

[GamerJM]

Well, GamerJM, it sounds like it's more than the class, like this class has latched onto being a larger reflection on your success as a human being or your entire life direction, and when things have that sort of cataclysmic weight they tend to get us down.

Those sorts of life-or-death situations are overwhelming and can often feel like they have no satisfactory conclusion; one wonders whether the same heaviness would latch onto the next obstacle you encountered in your academic career even if you were to pass this class. Obviously these seem like things to discuss with a therapist, as well as coping mechanisms, so I find it curious that you said talking to your therapist made you feel worse. Do you have any idea what that's the case?

(and no, I seriously, really could not pass that class! The highest math I ever took was Trig and Stat, where I got B's and C's)

You're right, and everything you mentioned I've talked about with my therapist before, I just don't know how to get over it even with the help of my therapist. Usually talking to her helps some, but at our last meeting we talked for a while about how I felt after the class and after I dropped it, and we discussed what I could do and whatnot. And it basically culminated in me going on a rant about how I felt like I have to pass this class, I basically said everything I said in the first post when I dropped into this topic. And then she responded with, "Well, it seems like you've made up your mind, and when someone's made up their mind then there's no changing it," and then we sort of closed our meeting after discussing a couple other minor things for a short few minutes. And then when I walked out, those words, "Well, it seems like you've made up your mind," just haunted me. It made me reflect more on my previous thoughts, and I came to the realization that I really did feel like there was no way out of this situation, and that unless I find some way to pass the class this will probably haunt me forever, because I've made up my mind on it and my therapist can't change or help those thoughts.

(Also, I really do think you could. I got Bs and Cs in Trigonometry and I never even took statistics, at least not yet. I still got As and Bs in Calculus before I started doing multivariable stuff, which makes this even weirder. But really, Bs and Cs aren't bad grades!)

 

[Ivan A Nguyen]

This week has left me feeling like I've been robbed.

My mother struggled with depression and only told us when she divorced my dad. She told us that she had been depressed for the last ten years. I didn't understand what she was saying so I took it as she regretted the small amount of time she had spent with me in those ten years.Now I'm starting to understand her better than ever and it scares the hell out of me.

On Monday I woke up and felt different. It was an OK kind of different. One that I had been expecting for a long time, but not sure if it would happen so fast. I'm 31 and for the first time sense puberty I woke up and had no desire to bone. I told my wife later that day that I welcomed the change because I spend much of the day alone and that kind of stuff can get distracting. The only down side was that I went from being functional on 6 hours of sleep to needing 8 and waking up tired. I've been going through my days feeling like a nap would be the best possible thing to do. I hate naps. I hate sleeping. I hate missing any moment life has to offer me. Or at least I used too. Then on Wednesday I realized I didn't want much of anything. I spent the day with my wife and son and didn't mind that I couldn't play Fallout 4. I showed my son Star Wars for the first time and I think I enjoyed it. I have a hard time remembering what happy feels like. I am not unable to feel happy. I just feel like I don't want to pursue it. I get hungry and I know what my favorite foods are, but I don't feel an urge to eat them. It's like shopping while full. Lately, when I park my car, I don't feel like getting out.

I'm hoping it gets better. Not in a 'I'll live happily ever after kind of way' but in a 'Tomorrow I'll wake up and I'll be back to normal' kind of way. I'm afraid I'll end up like my mother.

 

[ChouGoku]

I've been reading about aspergers lately and my entire life is starting to make sense. How blunt I am, why I am so bad at flirting or knowing someone was flirting with me, why I am seemingly obsessive with the things I like, why I have a monotone demenaor, why I am terrible at small talk, and why I just never "got it". I guess its good so I can identify my shortcomings and improve on them but it also I feel kind of depressed about it. If there are many invisible parts of interaction that I can't see, what hope is there?

 

[Astral Dog]

I've been reading about aspergers lately and my entire life is starting to make sense. How blunt I am, why I am so bad at flirting or knowing someone was flirting with me, why I am seemingly obsessive with the things I like, why I have a monotone demenaor, why I am terrible at small talk, and why I just never "got it". I guess its good so I can identify my shortcomings and improve on them but it also I feel kind of depressed about it. If there are many invisible parts of interaction that I can't see, what hope is there?

You did not gave the vibe of being monotone,depressed, blunt or obsessive

 

[ChouGoku]

You did not gave the vibe of being monotone,depressed, blunt or obsessive

I do so more in real life, I am a much better writer than I am a speaker, especially in impromptu scenarios

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

Thought this was interesting: http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/09/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy.html



I recognize quite a bit of these patterns. It's true. Expectations = recipe for misery.

 

[Hey Im Patrick]

Have you guys ever experienced waking up sad or depressed but you can't pinpoint why?

It happened to me, I'm irritated the whole day by everyone easily. But I'm fine the next day.

By the way, it's not PMS since I'm a guy lol.

 

[whiterabbit]

I haven't taken my nightly dose of meds yet. I'm a bit nervous I'll have side effects even though I'm usually ok. I don't know why tonight is different. I just flew back to California, so maybe that's why I feel a bit nervous about taking my meds.

I live in a mental health program. I was away for a week, but tomorrow will continue with my program. I'm eventually going to leave this program and live in my mom's new house, but for now I'm kind of stuck here. It's a pretty decent program though, all you do is like have groups and therapy but there's a fair amount of walking involved since I don't have a car.

 

[Ponn]

You forgave him, thats all that matters, you made peace with him before he died,thats not an easy thing to do and it does not matter if you dont feel sad, or happy, or anything at the moment, it will come but even if you dont ever feel sad about that , as long as you are at peace things will get better. Just try to leave behind the horrible things he did.

Thanks for the words and also Piano. I've done alot of introspection over the weekend and I think i'm going to get the courage up to ask my therapist on Wed. when I see him if there is a test or something for autism. I really don't know how to go about asking something like that though. This is something that has been in the back of my mind for far too long and the way I dealt with this whole situation with my brother just nags at me. I mean I keep thinking back to the moment I was told he died and it literally was the coldest most non-chalant "ok" that came out and literally picked up the tv remote and was about to change the channel when I suddenly thought to myself how inappropriate that would be at that moment. It wouldn't change anything about me but its just something I need to know. I grew up in a backwoods town where stuff like that wouldn't be noticed, hell my parents didn't believe me when I came home from school with a note saying I needed glasses. I've always had problems with emotions and relating to people. I always kept a very small circle of friends and treated it more like a chore to keep up pretenses. I've always had something in my life i've obsessed over or collected like comics, Transformers, video games, back to comics, Lego, etc. I'm awkward, can't look people in the eyes and its gotten so bad I have to take 3 xanax just to go to walmart and I still have a panic attack inside and can't finish my shopping. I just know this shit is not normal and I can't believe its all from my childhood problems.

I did find out he died from a pulmonary embolism but not much more information than that. I've had a couple different tests for blood clots myself due to my concussion and heart problems. That is really one of the scariest things to me. Hard to find, no real signs and just sudden death.

 

[jb1234]

Thanks for the words and also Piano. I've done alot of introspection over the weekend and I think i'm going to get the courage up to ask my therapist on Wed. when I see him if there is a test or something for autism.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a teenager after being observed extensively by a therapist trained to notice such things. We mostly just played board games together.

 

[chiimisu]

Today's the shittiest day I had in long time. Probably one of the shittiest I had all my life.

My LDR significant other of 4 and a half years is finally coming to live with me in a bit more than a week. I was supposed to find us a more or less decent flat, but we don't have a lot of money.
(Local rental system probably differs a lot from the US one). So, some agency called me, they seemed nice, I went to their office, chose a flat and agent drove me to the place.
The room itself seemed pretty nice, but the hallway is awful. Have you seen "Raid"? Yep, looked a lot like that.

So I was a bit conflicted about the district, hallway and the price. Then the agent started pressuring me. I said " I need to discuss it with my SO. -Talk here. (In the car)". I asked for some time to think, first a day, then a couple of hours, then at least one hour. He didn't allow it and said the flat could be gone in any moment, so I needed to pay a deposit to ensure the flat wouldn't be gone. I don't know what happened. Was that some kind of hypnosis, or psychological pressure, but I signed all the papers obidiently and gave him the necessary money. I didn't even have an opportunity to read the contract thoroughly. I don't know if it's right to say this, but I felt as if I was mentally raped when I got out of his car.

"Well, at least we have a place to live now, amirite?" I thought when I rode a bus to the dorm. Well... My local friends said this area and this particular apartment block are infamous for drug traffic. I checked the news and the last drug incident here happened a mere week ago. I've read contract more carefully, and, well. It turns out the money I paid him as "deposit" are not the deposit, but are the payment for the agency's consulting services and most likely cannot be refunded. I asked some lawyers and it seems like there are no loopholes in the contract for me to use. It's perfect in this sense.

I feel so shitty, I feel so incredibly shitty and useless. Even the joy from our reunion is overshadowed by this. I wasted my SO's money it took so long to collect. I found us a house in some shithole. I was manipulated and tricked and didn't even have the power of will to talk back. We can't afford to rent a decent place now. All because of my mistake. I've been apologising to SO and crying all day long. He says he's not mad at me and everything's fine, but even if so, I'm mad at myself anyway. I wish I had some decency to hang myself. I'm useless and weak anyway. It's 4am and I'm probably skipping classes because I don't want to look in anyone's faces knowing how much of useless hack I am

 

[Ivan A Nguyen]

Why does curling into a ball feel so right? I have the house to myself on weekday mornings and twice today I found myself wrapped up in covers and curled into a ball. I would make a small hole for my mouth and just hold on tight for half an hour to 45 minutes. It's becoming something I look forward to. It just feels safe.

 

[Vicetrailia]

Maybe I just need to talk but....while I'm not depressed I'm slumping. I'm going through motions rather than driving. I've been buckling down and moving forward, but when I stop to think about what I'm doing I don't feel good about anything.

I'm in School F/T, Work F/T, Husband P/T with a lovely wife and I feel empty. I'm not sure why. Maybe I should stop cowering and start over on all fronts.

 

[Piano]

Sorry y'all I've been super busy. I think I'll have time to go through and type out some stuff tomorrow afternoon, but we'll see how much progress I make on my presentation for Wednesday.

In the mean time, I found myself in a sort of tough spot tonight - a friend who has anxiety issues was prescribed a medication that made my anxiety a lot worse when I took it (Wellbutrin), and she wanted my perspective on it. It's hard not to jump in and, well, argue against her doctor, as much as I know that the doctor is the expert and the only experience I've had is my own. Still, like, it drastically increased my anxiety issues when I took it, and I'm scared she'll end up in a bad place.

I guess I'm just going to reiterate to her that she can call me if she has an anxious meltdown like the ones I had when I was on it and hope for the best.

<3

 

[Ponn]

Sorry y'all I've been super busy. I think I'll have time to go through and type out some stuff tomorrow afternoon, but we'll see how much progress I make on my presentation for Wednesday.

In the mean time, I found myself in a sort of tough spot tonight - a friend who has anxiety issues was prescribed a medication that made my anxiety a lot worse when I took it (Wellbutrin), and she wanted my perspective on it. It's hard not to jump in and, well, argue against her doctor, as much as I know that the doctor is the expert and the only experience I've had is my own. Still, like, it drastically increased my anxiety issues when I took it, and I'm scared she'll end up in a bad place.

I guess I'm just going to reiterate to her that she can call me if she has an anxious meltdown like the ones I had when I was on it and hope for the best.

<3

Well don't forget that meds work differently on people as well. Medications you are currently taking also contribute. I take Wellbutrin and it doesn't effect me adversely. I also don't think its doing much for me either but i've always been pretty resistant to medications. I know my therapy group offered a swab test that actually let them know what medications might and might not work for you and it was covered by most everyone's insurance so she might want to ask about that.

 

[jb1234]

In the mean time, I found myself in a sort of tough spot tonight - a friend who has anxiety issues was prescribed a medication that made my anxiety a lot worse when I took it (Wellbutrin), and she wanted my perspective on it. It's hard not to jump in and, well, argue against her doctor, as much as I know that the doctor is the expert and the only experience I've had is my own. Still, like, it drastically increased my anxiety issues when I took it, and I'm scared she'll end up in a bad place.

I guess I'm just going to reiterate to her that she can call me if she has an anxious meltdown like the ones I had when I was on it and hope for the best.

<3

She'll probably be fine. Reactions to medications are so individual. I've been on Wellbutrin (for depression) and the only side effect I noticed was increased drowsiness.

 

[Piano]

Ah hell, I'll just link it...

Yeah, this turned into a journal entry. so the gist of it is: I feel isolated and stuck and it triggered a traumatic nervous breakdown that caused me to be emotionally fragile and more anxious/depressed I have ever been.

Well, first of all, it's to be expected that the way we relate to the art that we create goes through ups and downs and changes drastically as we continue to grow older and have new experiences. Not that this disqualifies your slump, or your depression - rather I'm just saying that part of maintaining an expressive hobby is the challenge of figuring out how it can build off of the constantly changing emotional landscape, or how to be gentle with yourself when it isn't firing on all cylinders all the time.

For what it's worth, your art looks great to me, and I'm certain there are a million ways to keep ever-improving if you can get in front of some people who have opinions about why it's not great according to their taste. I guess I can try my best at casting a critical eye if you'd like, but I'm not sure my evaluations are worth much! I particularly like the summerjam logo, has a super sweet aesthetic going on, doubly so with the grid backdrop.

As far as contentment goes, I just meant that, well, pain doesn't always have to be suffering. Sometimes I'm content with pain, and the more I've thought about why it is in those times I'm able to be content with it, the more it seems like it's a lack of anxiety about and resistance to the pain. I've heard that "pain x resistance = suffering" and I think it's mostly true. Furthermore, a lot of my suffering and disappointment comes from the non-fulfillment of expectations. What if I never had expectations? What if I didn't resist anything? What if everything just "was" the way it is without my having 10,000 thoughts and opinions about how awful it all is? What if I didn't spend 50% of my brain power picking apart mistakes I made in the past, or anticipating suffering in the future? What if life was just a string of moments of perception and I was able to focus on that? What if I could just be here now? I'm certainly not there yet, but that's a (very poor) explanation of what I'm working towards in my mind these days. Yes, I know it's sorta esoteric, and I apologize for that.

Looking back at where I was at in May to where I am now, I feel like I've come so far. I'm no longer standing still. I'm actually moving and it feels amazing.

As a bonus, here's a song that helped me get through some of the worse parts.

I'm so glad to hear that things are looking up for you, AR, and I hope you're able to trust that there's a way out the next time you're in a rough, rough spot. And if you ever don't feel that way, I encourage you to seek help feeling that way. Also, that's a great song.

You're right, and everything you mentioned I've talked about with my therapist before, I just don't know how to get over it even with the help of my therapist. Usually talking to her helps some, but at our last meeting we talked for a while about how I felt after the class and after I dropped it, and we discussed what I could do and whatnot. And it basically culminated in me going on a rant about how I felt like I have to pass this class, I basically said everything I said in the first post when I dropped into this topic. And then she responded with, "Well, it seems like you've made up your mind, and when someone's made up their mind then there's no changing it," and then we sort of closed our meeting after discussing a couple other minor things for a short few minutes. And then when I walked out, those words, "Well, it seems like you've made up your mind," just haunted me. It made me reflect more on my previous thoughts, and I came to the realization that I really did feel like there was no way out of this situation, and that unless I find some way to pass the class this will probably haunt me forever, because I've made up my mind on it and my therapist can't change or help those thoughts.

(Also, I really do think you could. I got Bs and Cs in Trigonometry and I never even took statistics, at least not yet. I still got As and Bs in Calculus before I started doing multivariable stuff, which makes this even weirder. But really, Bs and Cs aren't bad grades!)

No, GamerJM, your therapist can't directly change your thoughts, but she can absolutely help you break down why those thoughts are happening and sort through how to keep them from controlling you. I sort of think of it this way - I'm the only one in my head, feeling things, seeing things, gathering evidence about my emotions, and so on, but my therapist is a very helpful manager who can assist with understanding and planning and big picture stuff even though he/she is leaving all of the labor to me. Even if you're great at the feeling, seeing, and labor, it's still really helpful to have someone who's got the big picture in view and can help you figure out where to go and what to do next.

Furthermore, I encourage you to bring up with your therapist directly how the things she says make you feel, and that you continue to feel trapped. Doing so will help further clarify how you and your therapist relate and get along, or, at worst, why you don't, in which case you can go find another therapist. In my opinion, there's always more to talk about with a therapist if we're just willing to open up about it - as long as we're still out there doing the legwork the therapist should always have more to say.

I mean, just with this example, even if you can't figure out the issue of the class directly right now there are a million secondary questions that could be explored - why does it haunt you so obsessively? why do you persistently judge yourself as a failure? is there anything else that has haunted you quite like this? etc. I hope this week's appointment goes well.

(Maybe I'll try math again someday but as of now it's been 8 years since Stat and Trig so...going back seems intimidating)

This week has left me feeling like I've been robbed.

My mother struggled with depression and only told us when she divorced my dad. She told us that she had been depressed for the last ten years. I didn't understand what she was saying so I took it as she regretted the small amount of time she had spent with me in those ten years.Now I'm starting to understand her better than ever and it scares the hell out of me.

On Monday I woke up and felt different. It was an OK kind of different. One that I had been expecting for a long time, but not sure if it would happen so fast. I'm 31 and for the first time sense puberty I woke up and had no desire to bone. I told my wife later that day that I welcomed the change because I spend much of the day alone and that kind of stuff can get distracting. The only down side was that I went from being functional on 6 hours of sleep to needing 8 and waking up tired. I've been going through my days feeling like a nap would be the best possible thing to do. I hate naps. I hate sleeping. I hate missing any moment life has to offer me. Or at least I used too. Then on Wednesday I realized I didn't want much of anything. I spent the day with my wife and son and didn't mind that I couldn't play Fallout 4. I showed my son Star Wars for the first time and I think I enjoyed it. I have a hard time remembering what happy feels like. I am not unable to feel happy. I just feel like I don't want to pursue it. I get hungry and I know what my favorite foods are, but I don't feel an urge to eat them. It's like shopping while full. Lately, when I park my car, I don't feel like getting out.

I'm hoping it gets better. Not in a 'I'll live happily ever after kind of way' but in a 'Tomorrow I'll wake up and I'll be back to normal' kind of way. I'm afraid I'll end up like my mother.

Ivan, it sounds as though there may be something bigger going on in the back of your mind that's taking away your enthusiasm about life. Or it could just be yet another crisis of life / purpose / meaning (I feel like they happen every few years, really) which necessitates further exploration of your motivations and desires. Either way, have you considered speaking to a therapist about it?

Also, what would "back to normal" mean? More motivation?

I've been reading about aspergers lately and my entire life is starting to make sense. How blunt I am, why I am so bad at flirting or knowing someone was flirting with me, why I am seemingly obsessive with the things I like, why I have a monotone demenaor, why I am terrible at small talk, and why I just never "got it". I guess its good so I can identify my shortcomings and improve on them but it also I feel kind of depressed about it. If there are many invisible parts of interaction that I can't see, what hope is there?

There's a lot of hope, ChouGoku, if we can only connect the dots in a different way. Every step you take towards becoming aware of your struggles is a step you take towards breaking their power over you. Have you felt the need to look into any mental health services?

Thought this was interesting: http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/09/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy.html



I recognize quite a bit of these patterns. It's true. Expectations = recipe for misery.

These days I try my best to have aspirations instead of expectations. Of course, it doesn't always work, so the second layer is not expecting myself to do so perfectly.

Have you guys ever experienced waking up sad or depressed but you can't pinpoint why?

It happened to me, I'm irritated the whole day by everyone easily. But I'm fine the next day.

By the way, it's not PMS since I'm a guy lol.

Hmm. Interesting. I haven't ever woken up sad for no reason (I have woken up sad plenty of times, but there's always a reason even if I don't know it) but I have woken up irritated for no reason. It happens if I'm generally stressed out - I have "stress dreams" where I argue or fight with people I care about and then I wake up sour.

I haven't taken my nightly dose of meds yet. I'm a bit nervous I'll have side effects even though I'm usually ok. I don't know why tonight is different. I just flew back to California, so maybe that's why I feel a bit nervous about taking my meds.

I live in a mental health program. I was away for a week, but tomorrow will continue with my program. I'm eventually going to leave this program and live in my mom's new house, but for now I'm kind of stuck here. It's a pretty decent program though, all you do is like have groups and therapy but there's a fair amount of walking involved since I don't have a car.

That sounds like a pretty good gig, whiterabbit. For what it's worth, travel always puts me in a strange place. I'm glad you've found the program helpful.

Thanks for the words and also Piano. I've done alot of introspection over the weekend and I think i'm going to get the courage up to ask my therapist on Wed. when I see him if there is a test or something for autism. I really don't know how to go about asking something like that though. This is something that has been in the back of my mind for far too long and the way I dealt with this whole situation with my brother just nags at me. I mean I keep thinking back to the moment I was told he died and it literally was the coldest most non-chalant "ok" that came out and literally picked up the tv remote and was about to change the channel when I suddenly thought to myself how inappropriate that would be at that moment. It wouldn't change anything about me but its just something I need to know. I grew up in a backwoods town where stuff like that wouldn't be noticed, hell my parents didn't believe me when I came home from school with a note saying I needed glasses. I've always had problems with emotions and relating to people. I always kept a very small circle of friends and treated it more like a chore to keep up pretenses. I've always had something in my life i've obsessed over or collected like comics, Transformers, video games, back to comics, Lego, etc. I'm awkward, can't look people in the eyes and its gotten so bad I have to take 3 xanax just to go to walmart and I still have a panic attack inside and can't finish my shopping. I just know this shit is not normal and I can't believe its all from my childhood problems.

I did find out he died from a pulmonary embolism but not much more information than that. I've had a couple different tests for blood clots myself due to my concussion and heart problems. That is really one of the scariest things to me. Hard to find, no real signs and just sudden death.

I think bringing it up with your therapist is a great idea, Ponn. It's also worth bringing up your anxiety / need for xanax in public if you haven't already discussed that with him. I hope your appointment goes well.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a teenager after being observed extensively by a therapist trained to notice such things. We mostly just played board games together.

Which board games? Good ones or, like, Monopoly?

I feel so shitty, I feel so incredibly shitty and useless. Even the joy from our reunion is overshadowed by this. I wasted my SO's money it took so long to collect. I found us a house in some shithole. I was manipulated and tricked and didn't even have the power of will to talk back. We can't afford to rent a decent place now. All because of my mistake. I've been apologising to SO and crying all day long. He says he's not mad at me and everything's fine, but even if so, I'm mad at myself anyway. I wish I had some decency to hang myself. I'm useless and weak anyway. It's 4am and I'm probably skipping classes because I don't want to look in anyone's faces knowing how much of useless hack I am

I'm sorry you're having such a tough stretch, chiimisu. That sounds like a tremendously stressful situation. While there's nothing I can say to fix it all (I wish there was), I do think it's interesting to note that you've jumped pretty quickly from "I had a shitty day" to "I'm useless". As far as I'm concerned, everything you describe in the first 90% of your post simply doesn't lead to the conclusions you've reached in the last 10%. Of course, those sorts of irrational feelings are common when we do something we regret, so I hope just giving yourself a few days worth of permission to feel whatever you're going to feel will help defuse things somewhat. In the meantime, I hope you're able to trust in the support of your SO and I hope things look up in the next little bit of time.

Why does curling into a ball feel so right? I have the house to myself on weekday mornings and twice today I found myself wrapped up in covers and curled into a ball. I would make a small hole for my mouth and just hold on tight for half an hour to 45 minutes. It's becoming something I look forward to. It just feels safe.

I always figured it's because we're in the fetal position in the womb.
I agree - I find myself in the fetal position or something close when I'm having awful, awful despair.

Maybe I just need to talk but....while I'm not depressed I'm slumping. I'm going through motions rather than driving. I've been buckling down and moving forward, but when I stop to think about what I'm doing I don't feel good about anything.

I'm in School F/T, Work F/T, Husband P/T with a lovely wife and I feel empty. I'm not sure why. Maybe I should stop cowering and start over on all fronts.

When you do stop to think what do you feel?

Well don't forget that meds work differently on people as well. Medications you are currently taking also contribute. I take Wellbutrin and it doesn't effect me adversely. I also don't think its doing much for me either but i've always been pretty resistant to medications. I know my therapy group offered a swab test that actually let them know what medications might and might not work for you and it was covered by most everyone's insurance so she might want to ask about that.

She'll probably be fine. Reactions to medications are so individual. I've been on Wellbutrin (for depression) and the only side effect I noticed was increased drowsiness.

Yeah, you're both right. Glad to hear it doesn't do that for everyone. I'll be supportive.

<3

 

[GamerJM]

No, GamerJM, your therapist can't directly change your thoughts, but she can absolutely help you break down why those thoughts are happening and sort through how to keep them from controlling you. I sort of think of it this way - I'm the only one in my head, feeling things, seeing things, gathering evidence about my emotions, and so on, but my therapist is a very helpful manager who can assist with understanding and planning and big picture stuff even though he/she is leaving all of the labor to me. Even if you're great at the feeling, seeing, and labor, it's still really helpful to have someone who's got the big picture in view and can help you figure out where to go and what to do next.

Furthermore, I encourage you to bring up with your therapist directly how the things she says make you feel, and that you continue to feel trapped. Doing so will help further clarify how you and your therapist relate and get along, or, at worst, why you don't, in which case you can go find another therapist. In my opinion, there's always more to talk about with a therapist if we're just willing to open up about it - as long as we're still out there doing the legwork the therapist should always have more to say.

I mean, just with this example, even if you can't figure out the issue of the class directly right now there are a million secondary questions that could be explored - why does it haunt you so obsessively? why do you persistently judge yourself as a failure? is there anything else that has haunted you quite like this? etc. I hope this week's appointment goes well.

(Maybe I'll try math again someday but as of now it's been 8 years since Stat and Trig so...going back seems intimidating)

Well, maybe I will. Thanks for the suggestions and help. I already met with her this week though (our session went well this time but we didn't talk about what you recommended), and she's not meeting next week because it's Thanksgiving, so by the next time we meet it'll be so far removed.

 

[Kipp]

Days like today are so frustrating... I've had everything going for me and feel like I should've had a very fulfilling day, yet I'm still left depressed and feeling empty.
I worked this morning, which should've satisfied both my desire to accomplish something and also my social quota (since I love all the people I work with), then I did some exercising, then I did a bunch of relaxing stuff that I love. Yet I'm still depressed and feeling empty.
What am I missing? What's the deal?
It's easy to realize why I'm depressed when I have those days where I sit around the house doing nothing at all, but it's so much harder to figure out why I'm depressed on days like today where it seems like I've had a very fulfilling, well-rounded day.

On a slightly different note, has anyone had any luck improving their mental state by moving to a totally new place? I feel like part of the reason I might be depressed is because I feel like I've been having the same mundane experiences for my entire life and never really had any new and different experiences. I plan to move out of state (for many reasons, not just in the hopes that it improves my mental state) sometime fairly soon and it'd be great if that kind of rejuvenated my desire to live. On the other hand, there's the very real possibility that I'll get massively homesick and become even more depressed. Either way I do think I need a change though.


Oh and lastly, my doctor's appointment is tomorrow. Gonna get some new meds. Hopefully those help.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

Well, first of all, it's to be expected that the way we relate to the art that we create goes through ups and downs and changes drastically as we continue to grow older and have new experiences. Not that this disqualifies your slump, or your depression - rather I'm just saying that part of maintaining an expressive hobby is the challenge of figuring out how it can build off of the constantly changing emotional landscape, or how to be gentle with yourself when it isn't firing on all cylinders all the time.

For what it's worth, your art looks great to me, and I'm certain there are a million ways to keep ever-improving if you can get in front of some people who have opinions about why it's not great according to their taste. I guess I can try my best at casting a critical eye if you'd like, but I'm not sure my evaluations are worth much! I particularly like the summerjam logo, has a super sweet aesthetic going on, doubly so with the grid backdrop.

The creative process is a fickle mistress IMHO. There's bursts of inspiration followed by weeks of going through the motions. As of now, an avenue of my process is making me have some weird burn out. If you saw the Dead Mosquitoes cover art, that was something I did on a 2 week binge in some weird, almost divine inspiration. However, it was also something that I felt was the "next step" for me. To go beyond meandering with typefaces and actually getting into the drawing element. I think I just need to be in a (positive) place where there's motivation to do stuff again because I am one of the few people who can't do shit if I am in a slump.

Yeah, I hope I get into a scene where I can get some constructive feedback and evolve as an artist. I feel stagnant, lol.

As far as contentment goes, I just meant that, well, pain doesn't always have to be suffering. Sometimes I'm content with pain, and the more I've thought about why it is in those times I'm able to be content with it, the more it seems like it's a lack of anxiety about and resistance to the pain. I've heard that "pain x resistance = suffering" and I think it's mostly true. Furthermore, a lot of my suffering and disappointment comes from the non-fulfillment of expectations. What if I never had expectations? What if I didn't resist anything? What if everything just "was" the way it is without my having 10,000 thoughts and opinions about how awful it all is? What if I didn't spend 50% of my brain power picking apart mistakes I made in the past, or anticipating suffering in the future? What if life was just a string of moments of perception and I was able to focus on that? What if I could just be here now? I'm certainly not there yet, but that's a (very poor) explanation of what I'm working towards in my mind these days. Yes, I know it's sorta esoteric, and I apologize for that.

I've been reading up on contentment and a lot of what you said makes sense. Fact is, It is hard to be content in a place where I am right now. There's a lot of negatives and not a lot of positives and dire prospects make the likelihood of a dire future seem more real (to me, at least). I hear you on expectations though as they are just a precursor to disappointment.

 

[whiterabbit]

I had some side effects from my Geodon today. I am thinking I'll talk to my doctor and ask to switch to seroquel, hoping that might be better. I don't think I have schizophrenia anyway even though that's what I get treated for.

 

[redlegs87]

I think the Strattera I've started taking is causing a annoying side effect. I won't go into it to much but it isn't anything serious but somewhat frustrating. I am going to keep on the meds and see if it goes away. Even if it doesn't I'll probably still stay on it if it works like it should and improves my concentration.

Also today I started on the nicotine patch to try and drop smoking once and for all. I had stopped for awhile but picked it back up 2 months ago. It's caused me quite a bit of stress and I wasn't honest about it with my doctors till my last visit when I asked for the patch. I am really determined but could use some extra support through this.

 

[Dawg]

Ehm, I'm out of meds and I forgot to buy new ones on monday. So I haven't taken my 200mg sertralina (zoloft?) since monday.

How quick will this have an... effect on me? I'm trying to buy new meds asap but I need my doc to prescribe new ones and my work is preventing me from making an appointment atm >.<

 

[boutrosinit]

An amazing thread.

Should be it's own website.

Shahid (ex-Sony) was part of setting up a website that helps people with depression. Wish i could remember the name...

Was based on a Zelda meme i think...

 

[Kipp]

Just got prescribed Prozac. Here's hoping it works. Third time's the charm, right?

 

[redlegs87]

Just got prescribed Prozac. Here's hoping it works. Third time's the charm, right?

Hope it works out for you this time. I am lucky that I found the right combination of meds the first time around. What have you been on before and in what combinations?

 

[Ponn]

Just got prescribed Prozac. Here's hoping it works. Third time's the charm, right?

We can be Prozac bros! *high five* I really still don't feel any effects of meds and its been almost a year now with several increases.

I talked to my therapist today about my brother and my non-emotional reaction and then I went into asking about being on the autism spectrum. I had to open up a little bit more about some silly obsessions I have, quirks, awkwardness and hard time I have socializing without being called weird or avoided. I also told him besides my reaction to my brother I came across a study showing the Keratoconus I was diagnosed with my eyes a year ago is also found to have ties with autism. I was surprised a little when he told me he keeps a mental rolodex of things in his head when talking with people and that was actually one of the things he had already earmarked. He said he could refer to me a center that did testing if I wanted but it wouldn't change the things he wanted to work on with me. I agree with him that it wouldn't change anything about me but I guess with all the other problems I have I get obsessed with needing to know the why of whats wrong me so I can move on from there. I need to know what boundaries I have and what I have to work with, I guess is the way I would put it.

 

[Andrew Korenchkin]

I need....something. I can't take my social anxiety anymore.

 

[Kipp]

Hope it works out for you this time. I am lucky that I found the right combination of meds the first time around. What have you been on before and in what combinations?

I was on 20mg of Lexapro/Escitalopram for 4 or 5 months. It worked extremely well for about one month and then stopped working (or at least stopped working well enough). Kind of strange. I still think an increase in dosage might've worked, but my doctor wanted me to switch meds. I still wish I would've at least given a dosage increase a shot since that med worked at one point.

Then I went to 100mg Zoloft/Sertraline for 2 months which has done absolutely nothing at all.

I also started Buspar/Buspirone a couple of weeks before starting Zoloft and that has pretty much eliminated my general anxiety, which is great.

Glad to hear that you found meds that worked the first try. I'm massively jealous.

We can be Prozac bros! *high five* I really still don't feel any effects of meds and its been almost a year now with several increases.

High five!
But I gotta say, why would you stay on Prozac for a year if you're feeling no effects at all from it? Why not give other drugs a shot? If you don't feel any improvements after a couple months, usually that's a good indicator that you're never going to get any benefits from the drug. Obviously your doctor's opinion is more important than mine, but it just seems a bit curious to me.

 

[redlegs87]

Glad to hear that you found meds that worked the first try. I'm massively jealous.

Yeah he has upped my Latuda and Wellbutrin quite a few times so I am taking 300mg Wellbutrin and 80mg of latuda. Now I am also on Strattera for ADHD so I am waiting for that to take effect though it has come with a weird side effect already.

 

[Chaos17]

Have you guys ever experienced waking up sad or depressed but you can't pinpoint why?

It happened to me, I'm irritated the whole day by everyone easily. But I'm fine the next day.

By the way, it's not PMS since I'm a guy lol.

I'm the same, I can't explain it, I just feel that way.
Fortunaly for me, my mood has been stable recently, I feel less angry, less gloomy.
I hope I will get better so I can finaly start to advance in my life again.

Those mod swings were terrible for my family and me.
I didn't get strong, I'm just more stable...

Sorry for my bad english.

 

[Ponn]

High five!
But I gotta say, why would you stay on Prozac for a year if you're feeling no effects at all from it? Why not give other drugs a shot? If you don't feel any improvements after a couple months, usually that's a good indicator that you're never going to get any benefits from the drug. Obviously your doctor's opinion is more important than mine, but it just seems a bit curious to me.

I guess "no effect" probably isn't the right term. It's something about the combination of drugs they have me on and the ones I take for other conditions like my heart and migraines they have to be careful what they give me. They tried Latuda and in a couple days I started finding blood in my urine and I would have horrible heart palpitations with cold sweats and passing out. Something about the Prozac helping both my my depression and anxiety is why they are sticking with it and wellbutrin. I think they are happy with it keeping me out of the deep pit of depression I was in a year ago with no suicidal thoughts and staying in just my "normal" apathetic state. It's progress I suppose.

 

[MrHoot]

So i'm kinda at the point where I'm becoming full hikkikomori in addition to depression now.

(From Wikipedia: "Hikikomori (&#12402;&#12365;&#12371;&#12418;&#12426; or &#24341;&#12365;&#31840;&#12418;&#12426; Hikikomori?, literally "pulling inward, being confined", i.e., "acute social withdrawal") is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive adolescents or adults who withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement.")

I've been less and less active in my work. I cannot for the life of me find joy in anything else other than sometimes eating and playing the same things over and over. But I was still going out and meeting people and having fun with that, they were my moments of solace.

Until recently that is. My state of mind has been such that I cannot bare be close to anyone. At first it was "for an extended period of time" but since two weeks I've basically shut myself in and only go out for strictly necessary things (buying food, maybe just a walk sometimes and I'm even considering ordering online at this point). I can't meet with other people anymore. I see myself and deemed that I basically have failed everything at this point. Every amount of advice I get i immediately dismiss, I feel completely unmotivated by it or undeserving, as I feel my parents or friends despise me at this point, and some of them probably do as I've been increasingly cold and harsh with them. I told my doctor to fuck off and i'm tired of repeated sentences that now just sound hollow or tasteless meds. My father just wants to cram them in me now just so I can feel better and stop embarassing him. Not that he's wrong, I'm embarassed with myself.

I just want to get back to work and do what I love (drawing, painting, game dev) and be able to see people without getting either anxious or angry the instant I see their faces. I'm tired of thinking like this is too late

 

[Kipp]

Ugh. This week has been rough as hell and I'm really feeling it.
A few stats to describe my week:
I've worked both of my jobs each of the past 4 days. After tomorrow morning I'll have worked a 5am shift 4 days in a row. 2 of the past 3 nights I've only gotten 4 hours of sleep.
The lack of sleep it's what's killing me most. Luckily I only work one job on Friday and then I have the weekend off both jobs. Really looking forward to that.

Yeah he has upped my Latuda and Wellbutrin quite a few times so I am taking 300mg Wellbutrin and 80mg of latuda. Now I am also on Strattera for ADHD so I am waiting for that to take effect though it has come with a weird side effect already.

Ah, gotcha. Well good luck with that Strattera. Hopefully the side effects subside.

I guess "no effect" probably isn't the right term. It's something about the combination of drugs they have me on and the ones I take for other conditions like my heart and migraines they have to be careful what they give me. They tried Latuda and in a couple days I started finding blood in my urine and I would have horrible heart palpitations with cold sweats and passing out. Something about the Prozac helping both my my depression and anxiety is why they are sticking with it and wellbutrin. I think they are happy with it keeping me out of the deep pit of depression I was in a year ago with no suicidal thoughts and staying in just my "normal" apathetic state. It's progress I suppose.

Oh okay, I gotcha. That makes sense then. I'm glad to hear that Prozac is at least helping you keep from being too terribly depressed.

 

[Ivan A Nguyen]

Ivan, it sounds as though there may be something bigger going on in the back of your mind that's taking away your enthusiasm about life. Or it could just be yet another crisis of life / purpose / meaning (I feel like they happen every few years, really) which necessitates further exploration of your motivations and desires. Either way, have you considered speaking to a therapist about it?

Also, what would "back to normal" mean? More motivation?

+

More awesome responses that I'm sure everyone appreciates.

As more symptoms begin to manifest and deepen, it's become easier to see what's happening to me. Melancholic Depression. I am unable to sustain a mood, experience any pleasure, have an appetite, everything is tasteless, and I am much less sensitive to touch and temperature now. That last one took me taking my kid to his Pre-K class and finding out that everyone else was wearing jackets. Like the little trooper he is, my son didn't complain, but I went and got his jacket from home as quickly as possible.

It's kind of weird to find out there is a form of depression that is basically a genetic time bomb. Wake up one morning and you are a little less yourself. I've been losing myself in pieces, but I have been trying to keep a positive outlook on things. It hasn't been a full two weeks yet. I'll be seeing my mother in law this weekend. She's the top nurse at a local mental health hospital. That's what I'm looking forward to now.

I've also been doing a lot of cleaning around the house when no one is home. I feel like it's the best way I can express my love for my family. I can get a lot done when I string things back to back, but if I linger close to a bed too long I am drawn to it for a few hours.

 

[Hellwarden]

I'm graduating in May, and I came to the uncomfortable realization that I've gone through college without really making any friends. Being a transfer didn't help in that regard probably.

No one knows me. I'm a complete social pariah. I've always been like this, but it's bugged me more and more as I've aged.

 

[Ivan A Nguyen]

I'm graduating in May, and I came to the uncomfortable realization that I've gone through college without really making any friends. Being a transfer didn't help in that regard probably.

No one knows me. I'm a complete social pariah. I've always been like this, but it's bugged me more and more as I've aged.

You'll have plenty of more chances to make more friends at your future employment. It'll be much easier to do as well because of the forced interaction. Doesn't mean that you still won't need to put forth an effort, but the people there will be much more willing to be your friend in many cases.

 

[Kipp]

Oof. These Zoloft withdrawals have been unpleasant. I tapered from 20mg to 5mg before going off it but I'm still getting very unpleasant waves of extreme lightheadedness. Like, just for a split second every ten seconds or so it feels like every drop of blood has drained out of my head and I'm going to faint. Good times.
I plan to start Prozac today.

Edit: JK. Can't start Prozac today. I've continued taking 5mg of Zoloft to taper it off a bit more since the withdrawals were too much and I guess Zoloft and Prozac at the same time is very dangerous.

 

[Piano]

Days like today are so frustrating... I've had everything going for me and feel like I should've had a very fulfilling day, yet I'm still left depressed and feeling empty.
I worked this morning, which should've satisfied both my desire to accomplish something and also my social quota (since I love all the people I work with), then I did some exercising, then I did a bunch of relaxing stuff that I love. Yet I'm still depressed and feeling empty.
What am I missing? What's the deal?
It's easy to realize why I'm depressed when I have those days where I sit around the house doing nothing at all, but it's so much harder to figure out why I'm depressed on days like today where it seems like I've had a very fulfilling, well-rounded day.

Well as much as those are all things that seem like they should be fulfilling, it seems clear that, for some reason or another, they are not. Ultimately it sounds as though there is some fulfillment or sense of purpose the things you're doing (or the way you're perceiving them) aren't providing. It's worth thinking about why - the clearer you can define for yourself, personally, what is fulfilling and meaningful, rather than defaulting to what "should" be the answer, the more you can move toward achieving those requirements.

I wish I had a better answer for you, Kipp, but it really is something that's so personal and so deeply rooted in self exploration that I think there's no way for anyone to just march in and tell us what it is without it seeming unfounded and dogmatic.

On a slightly different note, has anyone had any luck improving their mental state by moving to a totally new place? I feel like part of the reason I might be depressed is because I feel like I've been having the same mundane experiences for my entire life and never really had any new and different experiences. I plan to move out of state (for many reasons, not just in the hopes that it improves my mental state) sometime fairly soon and it'd be great if that kind of rejuvenated my desire to live. On the other hand, there's the very real possibility that I'll get massively homesick and become even more depressed. Either way I do think I need a change though.

Well, it all depends on the reasons you're moving and your expectations of the move. I tried to move out west two years ago to a bigger, more interesting city where I had friends and a girl whom I loved and it didn't work out. I wanted it to fix all of my problems. I wanted her to fix all of my problems. Instead my problems followed me out there.

That being said, I went away to college when I was 18 and that was a positive experience. But it all depends on the circumstances.

Yeah, I hope I get into a scene where I can get some constructive feedback and evolve as an artist. I feel stagnant, lol.

Are there any threads on GAF where artists gather and can give feedback? If there isn't already one surely you could start one, it's such a large community that there are bound to be others. I mean hell, I was able to find music teachers!

I've been reading up on contentment and a lot of what you said makes sense. Fact is, It is hard to be content in a place where I am right now. There's a lot of negatives and not a lot of positives and dire prospects make the likelihood of a dire future seem more real (to me, at least). I hear you on expectations though as they are just a precursor to disappointment.

What I remind myself, though, is while contentment can be easier or harder, it's never impossible. Also, it's not a binary state - either content, or not content - but rather a sliding scale, and any work I do at strengthening my mindset toward contentment pays off, even if slightly.

I had some side effects from my Geodon today. I am thinking I'll talk to my doctor and ask to switch to seroquel, hoping that might be better. I don't think I have schizophrenia anyway even though that's what I get treated for.

I can't speak to Geodon, as I haven't taken it, but Seroquel can be very helpful for a whole host of things outside of just schizophrenia.

I think the Strattera I've started taking is causing a annoying side effect. I won't go into it to much but it isn't anything serious but somewhat frustrating. I am going to keep on the meds and see if it goes away. Even if it doesn't I'll probably still stay on it if it works like it should and improves my concentration.

Also today I started on the nicotine patch to try and drop smoking once and for all. I had stopped for awhile but picked it back up 2 months ago. It's caused me quite a bit of stress and I wasn't honest about it with my doctors till my last visit when I asked for the patch. I am really determined but could use some extra support through this.

Good on you for trying to quit, redlegs. Is there a GAF quit smoking thread? If not, you should start one!

Ehm, I'm out of meds and I forgot to buy new ones on monday. So I haven't taken my 200mg sertralina (zoloft?) since monday.

How quick will this have an... effect on me? I'm trying to buy new meds asap but I need my doc to prescribe new ones and my work is preventing me from making an appointment atm >.<

If you're going cold turkey off of 200mg I'd figure withdrawals would set in pretty quickly, within a few days. I really, really hope you're able to get a refill soon, Dawg, as going cold turkey is never a good idea. Even if you're not able to get in for an appointment with the doc you might be able to explain the situation to them over the phone and get a temp prescription. I've had that done a few times - they call in like a week or two supply, or however long until you CAN see the doctor.

I talked to my therapist today about my brother and my non-emotional reaction and then I went into asking about being on the autism spectrum. I had to open up a little bit more about some silly obsessions I have, quirks, awkwardness and hard time I have socializing without being called weird or avoided. I also told him besides my reaction to my brother I came across a study showing the Keratoconus I was diagnosed with my eyes a year ago is also found to have ties with autism. I was surprised a little when he told me he keeps a mental rolodex of things in his head when talking with people and that was actually one of the things he had already earmarked. He said he could refer to me a center that did testing if I wanted but it wouldn't change the things he wanted to work on with me. I agree with him that it wouldn't change anything about me but I guess with all the other problems I have I get obsessed with needing to know the why of whats wrong me so I can move on from there. I need to know what boundaries I have and what I have to work with, I guess is the way I would put it.

If you think it'd bring you peace to know, Ponn, then it's certainly worth considering. I often prefer to know what's going on rather than have things be ambiguous, even if it doesn't technically change anything.

I need....something. I can't take my social anxiety anymore.

Excuse me if you've already answered this, Andrew, but have you considered seeking any mental health treatment? There are many, many options for social anxiety.

So i'm kinda at the point where I'm becoming full hikkikomori in addition to depression now.

(From Wikipedia: "Hikikomori (&#12402;&#12365;&#12371;&#12418;&#12426; or &#24341;&#12365;&#31840;&#12418;&#12426; Hikikomori?, literally "pulling inward, being confined", i.e., "acute social withdrawal") is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive adolescents or adults who withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement.")

I've been less and less active in my work. I cannot for the life of me find joy in anything else other than sometimes eating and playing the same things over and over. But I was still going out and meeting people and having fun with that, they were my moments of solace.

Until recently that is. My state of mind has been such that I cannot bare be close to anyone. At first it was "for an extended period of time" but since two weeks I've basically shut myself in and only go out for strictly necessary things (buying food, maybe just a walk sometimes and I'm even considering ordering online at this point). I can't meet with other people anymore. I see myself and deemed that I basically have failed everything at this point. Every amount of advice I get i immediately dismiss, I feel completely unmotivated by it or undeserving, as I feel my parents or friends despise me at this point, and some of them probably do as I've been increasingly cold and harsh with them. I told my doctor to fuck off and i'm tired of repeated sentences that now just sound hollow or tasteless meds. My father just wants to cram them in me now just so I can feel better and stop embarassing him. Not that he's wrong, I'm embarassed with myself.

I just want to get back to work and do what I love (drawing, painting, game dev) and be able to see people without getting either anxious or angry the instant I see their faces. I'm tired of thinking like this is too late

MrHoot, have you ever tried talking to a therapist in addition to the medications? I find that whenever I'm in a situation where I can feel myself sliding and I don't feel as though I have control over it it can be a help both to (a) find medication which may slow the backslide or its effects and / or (b) try to illuminate what is going on that I'm not directly aware of, so that I can get to know the reasons why I'm sliding. Only then can I directly work at trying to sort things out.

As more symptoms begin to manifest and deepen, it's become easier to see what's happening to me. Melancholic Depression. I am unable to sustain a mood, experience any pleasure, have an appetite, everything is tasteless, and I am much less sensitive to touch and temperature now. That last one took me taking my kid to his Pre-K class and finding out that everyone else was wearing jackets. Like the little trooper he is, my son didn't complain, but I went and got his jacket from home as quickly as possible.

It's kind of weird to find out there is a form of depression that is basically a genetic time bomb. Wake up one morning and you are a little less yourself. I've been losing myself in pieces, but I have been trying to keep a positive outlook on things. It hasn't been a full two weeks yet. I'll be seeing my mother in law this weekend. She's the top nurse at a local mental health hospital. That's what I'm looking forward to now.

I've also been doing a lot of cleaning around the house when no one is home. I feel like it's the best way I can express my love for my family. I can get a lot done when I string things back to back, but if I linger close to a bed too long I am drawn to it for a few hours.

I'm glad you're finding better ways to explain and understand what you're feeling Ivan - that's always a positive step. I hope you're able to have a good conversation with your mother-in-law about what's going on, and in the meantime, cleaning isn't such a bad pursuit! I often clean out of anxiety, and hey, it helps somehow.

I'm graduating in May, and I came to the uncomfortable realization that I've gone through college without really making any friends. Being a transfer didn't help in that regard probably.

No one knows me. I'm a complete social pariah. I've always been like this, but it's bugged me more and more as I've aged.

I second what Ivan said, Hellwarden; maintaining a social life is a life-long process as people are always coming and going. Whatever new situations you find yourself in will inevitably involve new people and from those new people new friendships will form. If it doesn't work out with those people, well, there are always ways to get yourself around even more new people.

And yeah, it's tough being a transfer. Although you do still have a semester to go, so perhaps you shouldn't write yourself off yet. Do you have any activities through which you get social contact?

Oof. These Zoloft withdrawals have been unpleasant. I tapered from 20mg to 5mg before going off it but I'm still getting very unpleasant waves of extreme lightheadedness. Like, just for a split second every ten seconds or so it feels like every drop of blood has drained out of my head and I'm going to faint. Good times.
I plan to start Prozac today.

Edit: JK. Can't start Prozac today. I've continued taking 5mg of Zoloft to taper it off a bit more since the withdrawals were too much and I guess Zoloft and Prozac at the same time is very dangerous.

Hope you're able to weather through the withdrawals, Kipp. They're strange, but often the worst of it only goes on for a few days.

<3

 

[redlegs87]

Good on you for trying to quit, redlegs. Is there a GAF quit smoking thread? If not, you should start one!
<3

Going on 3 days now on the patch and it's been hell so far. Very irritable, awful sleep, and having to come to terms with the stress I'd usually smoke to cope with. I picked like the most stressful time to try and quit too.

I've been on the strattera for about a week now and I am somewhat feeling it's effects but I was told it'd take about 2-2 1/2 weeks to fully kick in.

 

[Kipp]

.

Thanks for replying to all of my posts, Piano. I don't really have any specific replies, but I wanted you to know I appreciate it and found them very helpful.

 

[whiterabbit]

I can't speak to Geodon, as I haven't taken it, but Seroquel can be very helpful for a whole host of things outside of just schizophrenia.

Yeah, I've taken Seroquel before. I don't think I have schizophrenia, not really. But my doctor didn't want to take me off Geodon because it's supposed to have low weight gain side effect, and I gained some weight when I was on Zyprexa.

I have a bit of a tremor and some other side effects, but I'm still taking the meds regularly and I'm hoping they'll go away.

 

[User 479360]

Last night was really tough. Today's been a lot better, thankfully, but I don't know what to think about last night.

I've been trying to help as much as possible with my Mom -- who's not walking -- getting her up and putting her back in her bed, and getting her whatever she wants. Plus, I'm the one she calls at 3am or later, if she's uncomfortable and needs to be adjusted or have pillows put behind her back.

I also do other things around the house, but just never get credit for it. If I wasn't here, she wouldn't be getting as great of care, because my Dad wouldn't be able to get her up alone and we have help 3 hours a day, but it's still just 3 hours.

I got yelled at a couple of times, then screamed at by him, for not doing anything, being lazy, needing to go get a job and not go on disability, and told that he doesn't want me here. But I'm not independent enough to leave.

I broke down, actually cried for a while, and wanted to end it, but I didn't. I'm thinking about possibly committing myself, though.

This environment is toxic, but it's really my only option right now.

 

[Kipp]

Well, first day of 20mg Prozac. Pretty much no side effects at all so far, which is great. No sleepiness or digestive issues which are my usual side effects. I do feel a tiny bit wonky between that and withdrawing from Zoloft and maybe having too much coffee and too little food, but all in all not too shabby.

I also feel a little more energetic than normal, but that could be due to other factors.

 

[User 479360]

I keep forgetting to take my meds. They weren't helping when I was, though, and I was on them for 6 weeks before I missed the last few days.

Meds never work for me

 

[Kipp]

I keep forgetting to take my meds. They weren't helping when I was, though, and I was on them for 6 weeks before I missed the last few days.

Meds never work for me

It's so hard to remember to take your meds when they're not doing anything (or if you feel like they're not doing anything).

 

[User 479360]

It's so hard to remember to take your meds when they're not doing anything (or if you feel like they're not doing anything).

I will admit that I forgot a few times over that six week period as well, but I took them regularly. I was told not to increase the dosage on my own and know it's not especially good to double up if you miss, but I'd do that.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday, but I think I may just cancel and re-book because I don't have anything to talk to her about nor do I have benefits for meds that aren't free trials. I may within the next month, though.

I was medically cleared for disability. Now they just need to re-check my financial situation. I'm supposed to hear from them but haven't yet, and figure they're busy.

 

[Kipp]

I will admit that I forgot a few times over that six week period as well, but I took them regularly. I was told not to increase the dosage on my own and know it's not especially good to double up if you miss, but I'd do that.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday, but I think I may just cancel and re-book because I don't have anything to talk to her about nor do I have benefits for meds that aren't free trials. I may within the next month, though.

I was medically cleared for disability. Now they just need to re-check my financial situation. I'm supposed to hear from them but haven't yet, and figure they're busy.

Depending on how dire your financial situation is, meds can still be extremely affordable even with no insurance. My insurance is terrible and doesn't cover meds, but all of the meds I've been prescribed so far have been $10-$20 at the Costco Pharmacy for a one month script.

 

[User 479360]

Depending on how dire your financial situation is, meds can still be extremely affordable even with no insurance. My insurance is terrible and doesn't cover meds, but all of the meds I've been prescribed so far have been $10-$20 at the Costco Pharmacy for a one month script.

It's not dire, I'm just cheap. I had to give my savings (not an insane amount, but enough to get me by if need be) to a family member so that I could apply for disability. That was hard to do because I feel like I've sinned and damned myself to Hell -- which is one of my biggest fears. It's one of the reasons why I can't kill myself. But it's a safety net, and they don't let you have much in savings at all.

But I don't want to be spending upwards of $60 per month (Prozac was that much) for meds that don't work. Even my psychiatrist has said that my depression is so circumstantial (with a lot of it being worry about losing my Mom) that it's possibly why meds don't help me much.

The average prescription -- when we were paying -- was about $25, but they didn't work.

I'm thinking about committing myself, though. My home is toxic and I have nowhere else to really go. I never have any energy and am criticized for it/being lazy, and get suicidal ideation a lot.