Dude, I still can't believe the maintenance thing. I'm in IL and that was never discussed since we both had good jobs. Doesn't add up.
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My ex wife is trying to destroy me...
- Thread starter ElfArmy177
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Dude, I still can't believe the maintenance thing. I'm in IL and that was never discussed since we both had good jobs. Doesn't add up.
Skellig Gra
Member
I would just go to that site the other guys are recommending. It doesn't sound like you really have the financial flexibility to get a top notch lawyer at this point. Your lawyer basically gave away your livelihood unfortunately.
Jack The Nipper
Banned
Sounds like to me you need to quit all jobs an work at a job that pays sub 1,200 with ample free time to make money off the record. I wouldn't let her beat me like that.
Then she could fuck you with the IRS.
xxRONN1Nxx
Member
Dam OP hate reading this and sorry for you. I've been through it been divorced now for 8 years. I would maybe consider getting a different lawyer of at least speak to one. Just because she was stay at home mom doesn't give her the right to full custody. My ex wife didn't work and I pretty much gave into everything except child custody. Ours isn't split 50/50 but I get my son slot more than just every other weekend. In Texas they base child support on your previous years salary. But if you lose or change jobs support amour can be adjusted through the attorney general. I call bs about them saying you have to keep hours cause that's what the kids are used to, because they are not getting the money anywsys!!! Your ex gets it to spend on them.
Now I must vent a little on child support. I don't mind paying it cause he is my son and I want him taken care of. But what genius figured the law out??? It should be a flat rate for everybody. I don't get how if I make more money it is more expensive to support my child. It's crazy law. My kid doesn't get cheaper if I'm a garbage man or more expensive if I'm a doctor. Sorry had to vent that it's always bothered me.
Good luck OP I know it's hard and stressful but don't give up the fight. Continue to battle this because even when it's final things can always be opened back up and adjusted. Fight for what's yours. Good luck man.
Now I must vent a little on child support. I don't mind paying it cause he is my son and I want him taken care of. But what genius figured the law out??? It should be a flat rate for everybody. I don't get how if I make more money it is more expensive to support my child. It's crazy law. My kid doesn't get cheaper if I'm a garbage man or more expensive if I'm a doctor. Sorry had to vent that it's always bothered me.
Good luck OP I know it's hard and stressful but don't give up the fight. Continue to battle this because even when it's final things can always be opened back up and adjusted. Fight for what's yours. Good luck man.
A judge isn't going to care. Seriously, the laws are there to protect the mother/kids.
Stormwatch
Member
You say the divorce was a result of her punching you in the face. Is there any way that could be used against her? Did you file assault charges? Is it too late for that now?
ElfArmy177
Member
She keeps saying she out her career aside to raise kids which is BS, she dropped out of school and I kept asking her to get a job and she wouldn't
Zok310
Banned
It does sound like you are fucked. Not going to give you false hope.
What I would do is end all relationships with current girlfriend, not fair to drag her through this, relationships are expensive and you are currently broke.
Quit the my second job and use that to lower my child support.. Move into a more affordable apartment, get rid of the car settle for something more affordable. Lease and loan should be under somebody else name not your own.
Would not pay for the house, judge will have to lock me up before I do so, her and the kids will be just fine without you paying for the house. Yeah your credit will be fucked but that's the situation you are being put into, and it's an unreasonable situation so become unreasonable yourself.
Make sure you feed yourself and pay your rent first, along with all the bills that by now should be under someone's else's name as I mentioned above, everything else comes second to that. Get rid of the lawyers, stop paying your college debts.
Again very important, put everything you buy after under a parents or good friend name.
Push comes to shove and they try to garnish your check then just have your boss pay you off books, if they can't, quit that job and get a job off books. When you get paid just mail her what you can afford to mail her via money order. Keep your receipts. Don't be a dick and send her a hundred bux.
Become that deadbeat you hear so many people talk about. Fuck it what else can you do to take back control of your life and live comfortable. Relationship with kids might be tough but when they grow up they either understand or they don't, either way you need to do what you are forced to do in order to survive.
Or you can go the righteous route go broke and live like a dog in the streets for the next 20 years.
What I would do is end all relationships with current girlfriend, not fair to drag her through this, relationships are expensive and you are currently broke.
Quit the my second job and use that to lower my child support.. Move into a more affordable apartment, get rid of the car settle for something more affordable. Lease and loan should be under somebody else name not your own.
Would not pay for the house, judge will have to lock me up before I do so, her and the kids will be just fine without you paying for the house. Yeah your credit will be fucked but that's the situation you are being put into, and it's an unreasonable situation so become unreasonable yourself.
Make sure you feed yourself and pay your rent first, along with all the bills that by now should be under someone's else's name as I mentioned above, everything else comes second to that. Get rid of the lawyers, stop paying your college debts.
Again very important, put everything you buy after under a parents or good friend name.
Push comes to shove and they try to garnish your check then just have your boss pay you off books, if they can't, quit that job and get a job off books. When you get paid just mail her what you can afford to mail her via money order. Keep your receipts. Don't be a dick and send her a hundred bux.
Become that deadbeat you hear so many people talk about. Fuck it what else can you do to take back control of your life and live comfortable. Relationship with kids might be tough but when they grow up they either understand or they don't, either way you need to do what you are forced to do in order to survive.
Or you can go the righteous route go broke and live like a dog in the streets for the next 20 years.
I will tell you why. It's too balance it out. Is it fair that you can take your kid to Disney world and your wife can't? I took a divorce class (court ordered) and that's what the lawyers told us.
Lactose_Intolerant
Member
Time for the kids to move into an apartment everyone can afford.
OP, this will be the last time I will direct more advice at you because I don't want to come across as harassing you but: really, really go see a medical professional, and through that medical professional, ask to be referred to more medical professionals- someone who can give you a physical and psychiatric assessment to provide legally-valid proof that you're on your way to being too burned out to sustain two jobs. Seriously. It will matter legally, and the more you get built up, the sooner the better. Those medical professionals will start to understand how to work with you and who to refer you to, given the matter at hand. Be calm and polite.
Please trust me on this, OP. I've worked two jobs, was getting unpaid work experience at another job and in school for something at the same time while trying to maintain an abusive and unsupportive relationship. Your personal mileage may vary, but you WILL burn yourself out at this rate. It's like bludgeoning a big rock against your ankle- sure, it might not break in the first few blows... maybe just leave a bruise, but eventually that ankle is going to snap on you.
They don't get to say "no" to you on this and people in medical fields are probably going to be some of your few friends in this, and are people who will actually look out for your health and have your back as you get this better figured out for yourself.
Please trust me on this, OP. I've worked two jobs, was getting unpaid work experience at another job and in school for something at the same time while trying to maintain an abusive and unsupportive relationship. Your personal mileage may vary, but you WILL burn yourself out at this rate. It's like bludgeoning a big rock against your ankle- sure, it might not break in the first few blows... maybe just leave a bruise, but eventually that ankle is going to snap on you.
They don't get to say "no" to you on this and people in medical fields are probably going to be some of your few friends in this, and are people who will actually look out for your health and have your back as you get this better figured out for yourself.
ElfArmy177
Member
Because when I tried to call the police she broke down and said she wants to kill herself... My lawyer said I lost custodial because she was a stay home mom and because I didn't call the police on her so the guardian said it must not have been thst bad. Every time I went to call the cops she would say she wants to kill herself... I'd feel bad and put the phone down. The marriage was a nightmare
Didn't your lawyer add up your cost of living and what you make and find it that you couldn't possibly live. Seems fucked your lawyer let you sign the papers.
Then again the second job kind of fucked you because the courts have to base it on what you currently make.
Glendemonium
Member
That's a shitty situation that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Lawyers are expensive as it is and still get paid if they fail you. I don't know if you can get child support or alimony reduced, mainly because since "she's accustomed to the lifestyle". If anything, if you get a better paying job it could go higher if she finds out. Witnessed this first hand with an old co-worker.
And yeah, for the long time stay at home parent it is difficult to get back out to work. Some managed to make it work however, but I'd imagine it'd involves day care or have other family to look after them but it's not like it's impossible, just tougher. If she had no intention to be part of the workforce after having kids though then yeah, courts will most likely rule in their favor.
Lawyers are expensive as it is and still get paid if they fail you. I don't know if you can get child support or alimony reduced, mainly because since "she's accustomed to the lifestyle". If anything, if you get a better paying job it could go higher if she finds out. Witnessed this first hand with an old co-worker.
And yeah, for the long time stay at home parent it is difficult to get back out to work. Some managed to make it work however, but I'd imagine it'd involves day care or have other family to look after them but it's not like it's impossible, just tougher. If she had no intention to be part of the workforce after having kids though then yeah, courts will most likely rule in their favor.
OP this! My Wife got the house because her Father bought it for us. So I didn't get nothing when I left. I had to get a small ass apartment and make it work. Now five years later I'm about to move in to a bigger apartment. The one that that saved me was she never went after my 401K. I drained that just to live a little better.
"Every time"?
Even then it's hard as hell and would take a ton of money to prove shit a unfit mother. It seriously wouldn't be worth the time, effort and money.
andythinkpad
Member
OP you keep working like that your body is going to break down.
H.Protagonist
[-_-]/
Yup. The fear is real because the long term damage/sacrifice is real and obviously not valued by many people. The idea of single moms with kids living it up somehow seems alien based on what I've seen.
As we thought, your sit is particular and more nuanced than the typical stay at home scenario, so we're more commenting on that than yours. I have to say, though, working two jobs and enriching my mind/future with school sounds far more appealing to me than being stuck with a baby/kid at home. :/ Wishing you a bit of balance to your sit and the strength to keep fighting for more time with your kids, though, OP. Don't give up on that.
Funyarinpa
Member
What in the fucking shit, you're being forced to pay to an emotional abuser?!
Fuck, man. FUCK.
Talked to lawyer about the emotional abuse?
He didn't report it to the authorities so there's no evidence.
xxRONN1Nxx
Member
I get that and can respect that. But I mean Disney isn't support that's a luxury benefit you can earn by making money. I'm just speaking in terms of general support for child like cloths and food. Does food get more expensive cause I make more money?
ElfArmy177
Member
Yep. Sad part is I even offered to cut her a check for 32% from the second job so she still gets the appropriate child support IF I get my hours from the second job. She said no thst she wants it all from the state which can't do "dual jobs" it just takes it from one job
JimtotheHum
Member
I know a lot of laws just changed this year concerning parental rights in Illinois. They have become way more dad friendly, apparently because of some case involving Dwayne Wade, believe it or not. Not sure if the changes will effect you however.
Fox Mulder
Member
Your ex and lawyer must be fucking, wow.
Led_Zeppelin
Member
I would say better to give the money to the IRS to the person that is trying to actively destroy your life.
ElfArmy177
Member
Unfortunately no, its a no fault state.
Call her bluff.
She's just manipulating you, and if she does go to try and commit suicide (because she won't, that's obvious), you can use that in court to gain custody of your kids, since she's unstable.
Record every conversation. Document every "suicide threat." Build a library of her being a manipulative, crazy ass, bitch.
Fight fire with fire.
NoblesseOblige
Banned
Pretty sure it's a bit late for all that.
OrbitalBeard
Member
The thing that sucks is you probably want to do good by your kids, yet your ex is definitely poisoning their minds, making you out to be the devil. At least you can rest easy knowing you're not like her.
I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation OP. Actually, I think I do, but I'm not going to go into detail. I'm thinking of the film Falling Down. I just wouldn't care anymore.
I'm really sorry for the stuff you're going through.
I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation OP. Actually, I think I do, but I'm not going to go into detail. I'm thinking of the film Falling Down. I just wouldn't care anymore.
I'm really sorry for the stuff you're going through.
ElfArmy177
Member
Ironically I wouldn't be surprised... This woman is a real piece of work... In order to get back at me after I asked for the divorce she started having sex at work and sending nude photos out to people on the "fling app"
jellies_two
Member
With the stress and so on I can imagine how you may lift awkwardly or fall and put your back out badly, ending that second job with a doctor to testify if necessary you are in constant pain.
Damn bro
That's some pathetic shit. Did you not see the crazy signs? I guess it's too late for that now though.
Get a new lawyer? Just say fuck it and quit your job? What's the worst that will happen?
Fuck giving crazy people your hard earned money.
Sunset Samurai
Member
Was the divorce finalized at that time? Can this not be used as fuel in the court? Seeing that you were still married.
...goddamn. jesus christ
ElfArmy177
Member
That's what I tried to do.. I told the guardian (the one who decides custody) about the documented abuse to my kids and myself. Told him about her mental history and the suicide threats. He said "you didn't take the kids back then so you must not of cared" and then you didn't call the police so I can only assume some of this information may be fabricated. Because I can't prove she did all of these things and they weren't isolated or not, along with her being the primary caregiver of the children, my recommendation is for the mother to continue being the majority parent."
darkinstinct
...lacks reading comprehension.
If you can't quit the second job, let yourself be fired. Be late at work because you don't get enough sleep due to the work load or simply talk to your boss and explain the situation, I'm sure he will find a way to let you go without it backfiring on you.
Zippedpinhead
Member
From what I understand, if you lose the second job you can get child support and "maintenance" (I assume this is alimony) reduced (because both are based off of what you make). This will require a lawyer to do well, and you will probably have to be "let go" from the second job (as opposed to quitting).
It essentially calling her bluff. You are right she is likely trying to ruin you, you've got to make sure your lawyer is on board.
It essentially calling her bluff. You are right she is likely trying to ruin you, you've got to make sure your lawyer is on board.
Wrong answer.
First thing is first, get a better Lawyer. He's supposed to be working his ass off for you. Not throwing his hands up and collecting a check while just going through the motions
Jack The Nipper
Banned
How?
Wow, this sucks. I don't know if it's been discussed already, but what caused the divorce? Anything in particular? Who instigated it?
It sounds like she's trying to mooch desperately, but I know that the judicial system (rightly so, in many cases) tends to side with the mother.
My mom raised me and my sister with less than $40k a year and we were just fine. She got some child support from my dad but it wasn't as insane as what's going on here. I just can't stand people who don't try and make a clean exit. Does she not understand you both still need to raise your children? The more traumatic the split, the more damage this is likely to do to these kids. Just gross.
It sounds like she's trying to mooch desperately, but I know that the judicial system (rightly so, in many cases) tends to side with the mother.
My mom raised me and my sister with less than $40k a year and we were just fine. She got some child support from my dad but it wasn't as insane as what's going on here. I just can't stand people who don't try and make a clean exit. Does she not understand you both still need to raise your children? The more traumatic the split, the more damage this is likely to do to these kids. Just gross.
Led_Zeppelin
Member
I agree with this, shit I gave this advice to a friend when his toxic relationship was destroying his life. Some people don't have it in them to fight fire with fire or I even go as far as say self defense. Others just expect the better of people at every outcome and are prime material for easy manipulation.
At this point I think there is not a lot OP can do to improve his position, I hope it does but family laws in most countries are completely fucked up if you don't act on your own self defense from the start then it may come to bite you at the end.
OrbitalBeard
Member
Assuming everything the OP is saying is accurate, she really doesn't care about her children. She's nothing more than a bloodthirsty animal.
An actual human being would put aside most of these issues for the betterment of the children. They'd compromise with each other to find something that works.
Maintenance is basically alimony. Alimony is for situations where one spouse is the homemaker and the other is the breadwinner. It's set up to protect the non working spouse from being left with absolutely nothing should the breadwinner decide to leave the marriage.
I don't know what state the OP lives in, but in Indiana, maintenance is not permanent it's only temporary. You can only receive maintenance payments for 18 months, 2 years in extreme circumstances.
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