half a moon
Banned
The definition of trigger is causing an event to happen with the synonyms of set off and provoke. It's not just for mental illness.
Mental Health |OT2| - Light in the Darkness
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
At the same time, you know that someone is making light of mental illness with the term if someone says "The new Ghostbusters triggered me with how terrible it was"
Widdle Puppy
Banned
I'm in a terrible place right now. When I become stressed underlying issues arise for me and I start to feel close to wanting to not exist anymore. I need someone to talk to...
Omega Ultimus
Member
Hey, wanna talk? Not sure if you meant someone to talk to in-person or just anyone in general. Shoot me a PM if you do! We can talk about anything you want/need to.
half a moon
Banned
I don't think so. You can trigger anger, annoyance, an allergy, a seizure.
I'm feeling the lowest I've felt in a couple years since I was in the hospital. I've isolated myself over several years and when you see everyone doing just fine and happy without you in their lives it makes when the doctor says you have people feel like bullshit. And those that still happen to be around you seem to be worse off because of me, makes me feel toxic. I feel like the villain in a book that doesn't realize they are. Tired of constantly fighting to stay out of this pit, I'm just tired.
Baleoce
Member
The bolded is where I'm at, at the minute. It's just so damn tiring.
I did talk-therapy with a university counselor for a about 8 weeks - til the counselor left his post. My life has been on the upside for the most part as a result, i think. Work is more or less back on track and I can relax without feeling like complete shit. Every couple of hours I still have intense episodes of wishing I was dead, but I feel more capable about dealing with it just letting it wash away. It's been a few weeks since my last session, and am currently debating whether or not to go back for a new counselor or not.
Hope everyone else finds a way to cope and deal with their issues.
Hope everyone else finds a way to cope and deal with their issues.
TangerineCloud
Banned
Update!
The situation has improved quite a bit. The intrusive thoughts aren't nearly as intense or as frequent as they were at the time of my original post. That said, it hasn't come easy (these thoughts still cause intermittent discomfort, anxiety, and sleep issues), and while mindfulness meditation was a huge boon in the short-term, learning how to handle these unwanted thoughts in the long-term has really required me to adapt and refine my coping strategies on top of that. So far, so good.
I'm considering doing a longer, more in-depth write-up later in order to reflect and hopefully provide some guidance to others struggling with intrusive thoughts of this nature.
Why chance that when you have all the power right now to change the way your life is going. Can't let your mind and depression tell you that you shouldn't bother to try. Be proactive about things and you'd be surprised were it'll get you.
I just need to vent about my current situation
(Sorry for it being long)
Where do I start?
Im a long time member but mostly lurking and its rare that I post.
A little background: 40 years old with 3 kids (19, 18, and 8) who reside in Orlando, FL. I was born to an abusive mother who took out her frustration out on me because of my dad being a dead beat and never assisted with co-parenting. I ran away from home at the age 15 never looking back or attempting to have a relationship with my parents now that Im grown up, but to this day I still can hear her tell me that I will never be shit when I grow up, a waste of space like my father. So even though I ended up functioning as an adult the dysfunction was still there in the background.
Ive always went through life feeling down all the time, self-doubting myself, and pretty much keeping to myself (I have hang ups about feeling like Im bothering anyone or being a burden to them so its easier to keep to myself )
Fast forward to 2017...Im making plans to leave the current relationship that Im in because its not working out when I started feeling not to well. Something was not right and I gathered enough strength to have my soon to be ex take me to the ER where I collapsed after walking through the door. Once I got into the room everything that day was a blur all I remember is after a series of test, an entourage of doctors walked into my room to tell me that theyre transferring me to a cancer center because I now have leukemia. When transferred to the cancer center I had to do a 30 inpatient stay while being inducted with my 1st 30 day round of chemo.
Confused, stressed and worried I became depressed .Those 30 days was long and lonely and I was discharged after that with a continued therapy plan. I tried to take that whole process in stride. I went to all of the appointments, completed my chemo sessions, had all the necessary procedures done and took the meds as prescribed. Even though Im near the end and awaiting news that Im in remission now ..Im not as happy as I should be. Dealing with the cancer, the now piles of medical bills, a relationship that over but still living together while I was getting back on my feet combined with working at a place that im not happy at is very overwhelming. The burden of all this and my depression took away my potential happiness that Im beating cancer I feel that I dont relate to many or have a lot a friends where I can go out to talk about these things or just get out to clear my mind. I dont get excited about anything anymore or enjoy the things that I used to do. Also, I have moments of loneliness and feel very empty like there a void in my life.
Once again sorry for being too long and thanks in advance if you read my moment of venting
Where do I start?
Im a long time member but mostly lurking and its rare that I post.
A little background: 40 years old with 3 kids (19, 18, and 8) who reside in Orlando, FL. I was born to an abusive mother who took out her frustration out on me because of my dad being a dead beat and never assisted with co-parenting. I ran away from home at the age 15 never looking back or attempting to have a relationship with my parents now that Im grown up, but to this day I still can hear her tell me that I will never be shit when I grow up, a waste of space like my father. So even though I ended up functioning as an adult the dysfunction was still there in the background.
Ive always went through life feeling down all the time, self-doubting myself, and pretty much keeping to myself (I have hang ups about feeling like Im bothering anyone or being a burden to them so its easier to keep to myself )
Fast forward to 2017...Im making plans to leave the current relationship that Im in because its not working out when I started feeling not to well. Something was not right and I gathered enough strength to have my soon to be ex take me to the ER where I collapsed after walking through the door. Once I got into the room everything that day was a blur all I remember is after a series of test, an entourage of doctors walked into my room to tell me that theyre transferring me to a cancer center because I now have leukemia. When transferred to the cancer center I had to do a 30 inpatient stay while being inducted with my 1st 30 day round of chemo.
Confused, stressed and worried I became depressed .Those 30 days was long and lonely and I was discharged after that with a continued therapy plan. I tried to take that whole process in stride. I went to all of the appointments, completed my chemo sessions, had all the necessary procedures done and took the meds as prescribed. Even though Im near the end and awaiting news that Im in remission now ..Im not as happy as I should be. Dealing with the cancer, the now piles of medical bills, a relationship that over but still living together while I was getting back on my feet combined with working at a place that im not happy at is very overwhelming. The burden of all this and my depression took away my potential happiness that Im beating cancer I feel that I dont relate to many or have a lot a friends where I can go out to talk about these things or just get out to clear my mind. I dont get excited about anything anymore or enjoy the things that I used to do. Also, I have moments of loneliness and feel very empty like there a void in my life.
Once again sorry for being too long and thanks in advance if you read my moment of venting
Completely separate from everyone else in your life, cancer treatment is physically rough on your body and mind and could easily throw lots of things out of whack in your neurons.
Thanks for your response and taking the time to read my post
Damn man, those are some nasty cards to get dealt by life. My own problems seem tiny in comparison.
You can always shoot me a PM if you wanna talk or vent in private.
opticalmace
Member
Is there maybe some professional counselling you could attend? Sorry to hear about how difficult everything is. Hanging in there at all is no easy feat, so I commend you on that. I think you need someone to talk to who knows how to handle clinical depression.
Thanks for reading my comment and responding with words of encouragement and suggestions. I will take all into consideration and provide updates
there is no chance for change for me. i only have two choices misery or death. death seems like a good option.
You don't give yourself a chance. Either way I hope you can see that and get better.
Hello
It's been a while since I posted in here. I hope I can convey my current thoughts coherently.
I'm feeling quite lightheaded at the moment, which is normal for me during times of extreme depression. So hopefully I don't pass out as I type this.
Umm...I think I want to die? I don't know how else to describe this. I want to no longer exist.
My existence is a burden to reality. I have absolutely nothing driving me forward. Apart from the obligation of existence.
I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning. There's no one there for me.
I'm failing to see the point in it all.
It's been a while since I posted in here. I hope I can convey my current thoughts coherently.
I'm feeling quite lightheaded at the moment, which is normal for me during times of extreme depression. So hopefully I don't pass out as I type this.
Umm...I think I want to die? I don't know how else to describe this. I want to no longer exist.
My existence is a burden to reality. I have absolutely nothing driving me forward. Apart from the obligation of existence.
I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning. There's no one there for me.
I'm failing to see the point in it all.
Mastermind Vade
Banned
My final year in high school starts tomorrow and feeling terrible that I just wasted another summer. My video game addiction is the only thing that helps me disconnect from this world and takes my mind off things. The more I involve myself with the real world, the further the hopelessness of my situation is realized.
Also just turned 17 a few days ago and reading the posts above really makes me feel incapable because of how unfathomable some of the scenarios above seemed to me. For example, running away at the age of 15, what life would be ahead of you then? Where do you go? These questions hit me and makes me feel real inadequate. The ordeals you guys had to deal with too and considering how you have kids, makes me feel like a child and reminds of the words I've set as my principle in life: "Know your place."
Not having anything or anyone to look dorward to and no drive is also relatable for me, yet the feeling of despair pushes--not really-- me to finding something, a purpose or whatever that would ease the pain of living. Similarly the only thing that is really stopping me from killing myself is the fact that I am obligated to do so, but I also hild the fear of failing after my first attempt.
I don't know how to prepare myself of what's to come or why I should prepare for anything.
Also just turned 17 a few days ago and reading the posts above really makes me feel incapable because of how unfathomable some of the scenarios above seemed to me. For example, running away at the age of 15, what life would be ahead of you then? Where do you go? These questions hit me and makes me feel real inadequate. The ordeals you guys had to deal with too and considering how you have kids, makes me feel like a child and reminds of the words I've set as my principle in life: "Know your place."
Not having anything or anyone to look dorward to and no drive is also relatable for me, yet the feeling of despair pushes--not really-- me to finding something, a purpose or whatever that would ease the pain of living. Similarly the only thing that is really stopping me from killing myself is the fact that I am obligated to do so, but I also hild the fear of failing after my first attempt.
I don't know how to prepare myself of what's to come or why I should prepare for anything.
Omega Ultimus
Member
Why do you think it's gotten to this point where you would even contemplate such a thing? What has you going through depression? As someone who's gone through the same ordeal as you have (multiple times, but am doing much better now) I understand what you're going through, so let's talk this out - either here or through PM's.
Are you planning on applying to college or have any other sort of plan for when you graduate? If you don't, start exploring what interests you. High school, for me, consisted mainly of crippling depression, but I set a goal for myself to just enjoy Senior year. And I did. I made multiple friends, some of them being people I would have never imagined to even say "hi" to. It was as simple as striking up a conversation during class or joining a club, although it wasn't necessarily easy to follow through with when I was dealing with general anxiety disorder at that time. Not saying you have issues with making friends or even need some, but getting to know some of your classmates you never talked to can be a rewarding experience.
Maybe you think that the advice so far I've given you doesn't address your bigger picture issues with life. Yet, you're letting yourself become overwhelmed with existential dread, something that will only continue to compound the more you endlessly struggle with and lose the present to. I know, because I've already lost too much time to it. I'm still young, but I've decided to finally let go of my past failures and malaise. I've created my own purpose in life and for the first time in a long time...I feel happy, even satisfied. I may not know the finer details of your daily struggles, but I've been through my own personal kind of hell, and I've overcome it. If you want to free yourself from your own pain, the best way to start is by learning to enjoy the present. I can give advice on that if you need it, but if you read up on how to practice mindfullness it's pretty similar to what I do (and probably not as intense as my own routine).
Live for yourself, before you live for others. And if you can't find any reason to live, make one. It will take time, and you will probably struggle, you will probably hurt. But, you can, and will, find your own happiness and purpose if you give yourself a chance to look for it. This may just sound like I'm trotting out the "boot-straps" argument, but it really is your choice to either continue to suffer or make a change to be happy. You have to be the one to seek therapy, or at least find others to confide in and help you through this depression. The fact that you posted here indicates that you do want help, even if the contents of your post suggest otherwise, and that gives me hope for you. It may be the first step towards a better life, if you continue to seek help in your life through therapy and by establishing meaningful social relationships.
Even if this all sounds trite and useless, and my apologies if so, I sinerely hope that you can at least understand that you're not alone in your struggle, and that others have gone through the exact same ordeal and have had meaningful and happy lives after it - some of them may have to beat it back throughout their lives, but they're ultimately happy they chose to live. As someone who is bipolar, I'm in the latter category. Try to see a therapist, or at least a school counselor if that's out of the question. If neither of those are an option, talk with someone you trust, and if that, too, is not an option, you should know that there are multiple users in this thread who are here for you, including me. Finally, I hope you enjoy your last year of high school. Remember: even if you don't think you'll like something (school dances, joining a club, volunteer work with other students), just try it, otherwise you may miss out on something you'd truly enjoy.
Felt a bit like dogshit all day today. My 6 month repeat of Citalopram is about to end this week so I'll need to go back and see what I should do next. Feel like I might want a higher dose, I don't know. I get that the odd shit day is completely normal for anyone but it always comes back to this point after a brief period of feeling "level", and this one day always sets me back to square one.
You are still very young. When you're that age high school feels like the entire the universe. Honestly it just makes a tiny portion of your life. I didn't enjoy highschool at all but I feel life is much better when you get out and have control in what you want to do. But you do have to make a plans and goals in what you want to achieve.
Don't fall into the trap that your high school or teenage experience defines who you are as a person, or if you are a "loser" in high school you will be a loser in your adult life. It is a load of shit. And anyway, as I said, you are very young (still a child, I know its sounds condescending but it's true) so you have plenty of time to sort things out
I got prescribed Mirtazapine by my doctor, after doing a lot of reading online about side effects etc, it basically boiled down to "be prepared to get incredibly tired and ravenously hungry".
I'm confused, because it hasn't had that effect on me at all. I can take it at midnight and still be up, lying in a dark room with my mind going a mile a minute, 6 hours later. And I want to eat less, if anything.
The first 3-4 days taking it, my anxiety was a lot better, I'd still think the same depressing thoughts, but I wouldn't dwell on them for long and they wouldn't upset me as much. I felt kind of numb to emotion.
But now my body has got used to it, and I feel the same as before, if not worse. At the minute, it's not doing anything, except perhaps making me more physically tired throughout the day.
I'm worried that I'm not like everyone else. The thought of sleeping 12-14 hours a day and eating a lot was appealing to me.
What's wrong with me?
I'm confused, because it hasn't had that effect on me at all. I can take it at midnight and still be up, lying in a dark room with my mind going a mile a minute, 6 hours later. And I want to eat less, if anything.
The first 3-4 days taking it, my anxiety was a lot better, I'd still think the same depressing thoughts, but I wouldn't dwell on them for long and they wouldn't upset me as much. I felt kind of numb to emotion.
But now my body has got used to it, and I feel the same as before, if not worse. At the minute, it's not doing anything, except perhaps making me more physically tired throughout the day.
I'm worried that I'm not like everyone else. The thought of sleeping 12-14 hours a day and eating a lot was appealing to me.
What's wrong with me?
Evil Monkey DTT
Banned
I start work next week but the isolation is getting to me. I mean okay the news is hurting my soul, and some personal shit is also really upsetting although both are due to empathy and knowing I can't do anything. But man i really need to fix isolation, my head feels like it's about to pop just sitting here talking to myself. But I don't have money or friends and I'm also sick with a cold so..... Shit.
Edit: I just realized I'm becoming my uncle and fuck that noise. I'm getting the fuck out! Fuck this I'm living, fuck this sitting around hoping I get to. I'm gonna do something stupid and useless just so I can say I fucking did something.
Edit: I just realized I'm becoming my uncle and fuck that noise. I'm getting the fuck out! Fuck this I'm living, fuck this sitting around hoping I get to. I'm gonna do something stupid and useless just so I can say I fucking did something.
I think I have a cough developed from anxiety, the last few years I have often has coughing fits, often unproductive, for no real reason. I have been to doctors, they say allergies or the small amount of post nasal drip. Last year I went to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor. He said my nose was 99% closed to the point where I couldn't even breathe out of it. He did a procedure that fixed that, I am breathing out my nose fine now, the cough still persists.
A few reasons I think it's anxiety: the first time I cough, I feel like I have to keep coughing, and in a panic to have to stop. When I get Android lol anxiety, the cough often starts. When I have it particularly bad, taking my Lorazepam really helps, as well as stuff that calms me, such as my fiancee holding me.
Has anyone else dealt with something like this before?
A few reasons I think it's anxiety: the first time I cough, I feel like I have to keep coughing, and in a panic to have to stop. When I get Android lol anxiety, the cough often starts. When I have it particularly bad, taking my Lorazepam really helps, as well as stuff that calms me, such as my fiancee holding me.
Has anyone else dealt with something like this before?
Went back to the doctor and was prescribed 30mg Mirtazapine instead of continuing with Citalopram. We chatted about basic needs of mine not being fulfilled contributing to my low mood, such as a steady sleeping pattern through the night. Problem is, it's primarily the isolation and loneliness that get me down, and those aren't so easy to dull the pain of. Those feelings are practically all I've ever known.
I've been a bit more active with applying for jobs this week and received a phone call back from one of them just now. I looked them up in more detail afterwards and it appears to be one of those 100% commission based roles where the interview is essentially just them getting a free day's work out of you. Load of shite.
I'm fucking tired. I don't want to be disrespectful to anybody who suffers from any physical ailments, but I involuntarily find myself hoping I'm hit with something that will just take me out, because I sure as hell don't have the gumption to off myself.
I've been a bit more active with applying for jobs this week and received a phone call back from one of them just now. I looked them up in more detail afterwards and it appears to be one of those 100% commission based roles where the interview is essentially just them getting a free day's work out of you. Load of shite.
I'm fucking tired. I don't want to be disrespectful to anybody who suffers from any physical ailments, but I involuntarily find myself hoping I'm hit with something that will just take me out, because I sure as hell don't have the gumption to off myself.
Waking up has been the worst part of my day for the past few years, but now my anxieties are poisoning my dreams, too. I dread going to sleep and I dread waking. I dread trying to seek help, especially being on Medicaid. It's just a constant state of gloom and feeling uncomfortable in my skin.
I really, really completely want to die.
I just am unable to function, I can't remember one thing form the next, can't sleep.
I really do not have the energy to justify like it's a request, but what has me so torn, as otherwise it would be so easy to slip into peace, is that my family have worked their whole lives for me and they have no one, it would completely ruin them.
Some others would doubtless feel something too, no matter how hard I try to push people away or stay away to not hurt them for some reason people seem to want me around.
I don't know how to deal as I have borderlinepersonality disorder, extreme paranoia, Ocd, maybe ptsd following homelessness and abuse.
Every second is constant pain or fear motivating me to proceed, I don't enjoy a single thing about being alive, and I keep trying new things go or trying to enjoy life but it never seems to work, I always get a feeling of guilt for various reasons, shame for not being able to like what others like.
I always feel like I'm being watched and I'm utterly horrified of people, even the kindest I've realized are so, so incredibly capable of being so hateful.
I just am unable to function, I can't remember one thing form the next, can't sleep.
I really do not have the energy to justify like it's a request, but what has me so torn, as otherwise it would be so easy to slip into peace, is that my family have worked their whole lives for me and they have no one, it would completely ruin them.
Some others would doubtless feel something too, no matter how hard I try to push people away or stay away to not hurt them for some reason people seem to want me around.
I don't know how to deal as I have borderlinepersonality disorder, extreme paranoia, Ocd, maybe ptsd following homelessness and abuse.
Every second is constant pain or fear motivating me to proceed, I don't enjoy a single thing about being alive, and I keep trying new things go or trying to enjoy life but it never seems to work, I always get a feeling of guilt for various reasons, shame for not being able to like what others like.
I always feel like I'm being watched and I'm utterly horrified of people, even the kindest I've realized are so, so incredibly capable of being so hateful.
What is the best way to support a friend that seems severely depressed? A few days ago I met a friend that I haven't been in touch for many years. The day when we met, she had quite a few symptoms/warning signs of depression. Most obvious one was how everything seemed indifferent to her. Including dying as she said it was "ok for her". Similarly, she said how her smile & laughter is a mask for her depression. The only thing that (seemingly) made her happy was my dog, as they clicked right away.
Before we went our separate ways on that day, I mentioned that if she wanted to meet again with me & my dog, I would be happy to do so. Today I received a message about another meet up, which is tomorrow. So, the question is, what is the best way to support a friend that seems depressed? I realize that for many people who are suffering from depression, this kind of question might sound extremely frustrating, but I genuinely don't know how to proceed here. Would it be best that I would not raise this issue tomorrow & just let her enjoy spending time with my dog? I guess in some ways I'm afraid that if I start talking about this, she would just distance herself. My gut feeling is that this would be the wrong choice because she openly said the previously mentioned things about dying etc. earlier this week and the discussion weren't even about mental illness. These comments just come from out of nowhere.
I'm 100% sure that her parents are aware of this. After all, she has been depressed since primary school and If I remember correctly she has been in therapy when she was young. Nowadays she is 27 years old.
Before we went our separate ways on that day, I mentioned that if she wanted to meet again with me & my dog, I would be happy to do so. Today I received a message about another meet up, which is tomorrow. So, the question is, what is the best way to support a friend that seems depressed? I realize that for many people who are suffering from depression, this kind of question might sound extremely frustrating, but I genuinely don't know how to proceed here. Would it be best that I would not raise this issue tomorrow & just let her enjoy spending time with my dog? I guess in some ways I'm afraid that if I start talking about this, she would just distance herself. My gut feeling is that this would be the wrong choice because she openly said the previously mentioned things about dying etc. earlier this week and the discussion weren't even about mental illness. These comments just come from out of nowhere.
I'm 100% sure that her parents are aware of this. After all, she has been depressed since primary school and If I remember correctly she has been in therapy when she was young. Nowadays she is 27 years old.
I don't know your friend but when someone makes an off-hand comment about dying being "ok" for them, I don't think they're in a right state of mind. Those comments could be a way for her to indicate that she wants to talk to you about what's bothering her. Did she talk about why she was/is depressed? If so, just being there to listen can be a huge relief to depressed people.
Either way, if she's been in therapy since she was young (I'm assuming she still is) then I don't think there's much you can besides just being there for her when/if she wants to talk. Is she on medication as well?
Thank you for the reply. I manage to read this before the meeting. I decided to bring this up, which was the right decision. She mentioned the main causes of her depression among other things (her diagnose, medication etc.).The most problematic thing is her thoughts about dying, but like you said there isn't much to do but to listen. Again, I appreciate the help.
Mastermind Vade
Banned
Hey Gaf, after reading the replies from my post and the posts following it.
I understand that, while high school isnt a big portion of anybodys life, nor does it define what your future may entail, the importance my parents, teachers, and peers have placed on it paints an opposite picture. This pressure, alongside other pressure Ive felt ever since Ive started this school year, has been killing me.
First Id like to explain the academic pressures going through my head. Naturally, being the final year of high school, your marks, extracurriculars and etc. are imperative for the application youll be sending this December. Wrestling with my dysfunctional brain(anxiety, depression), I often skip out on volunteering opportunities and have never joined a single club throughout the entirety of my high school life. Up until today, Ive decided that I would give those a shot this year. Reading your encouraging posts, Ive set it a goal to join DECA, one of the biggest clubs on business. My parents have pushed me in going into business, and I never protested because even if I wanted to choose anything on my own(and I could), I dont have a passion for anything. This courage Ive developed for getting high marks and filling that extracurricular quota has been shot down completely. While I have a friend that Im sure is willing to help me in 3 of 6 of my classes(hes close and has tried helping me get over my head his own way), the disparity in not only skill, but support between me and my peers came over me once again and discourage me from even trying since I know theyre going to look down on me regardless of how much I try. This thought came over me because of something that happened today.
It was period 3 and it was math class, we had gotten a new student. She was older than us, probably one or two years older since she talked about how she was missing a course to get into what she wanted to get into. She was seated next to me in the same table as I am with two other people. When we were tasked with doing a group activity with one or two people per group, we could choose our own groups. After handing out the questions, the teacher came over to the new student and asked if she knew anybody here, to which she replied by saying no. The teacher then points to the two other members of the table who I guess needed partners too saying that they were nice people and as she was scrolling through my table she looked at me and stopped. That was one hit. Ten minutes had passed. I wonder why I never got a question, and so after looking at the people at my table, I understood that I already had a question and a group with the people at my table(or so I think that it was the implication, she may think I am a slacker or something). My group did the question without even saying anything to me. Its now the last ten minutes of the class and she was handing us homework. When the new person passed the paper to me, I thanked her and she replied, stopping as if she wanted to say more.
This exchange alone showed me how people perceived me. While I understood that people in this school clearly dont like me or find me difficult to approach, it was probably because of mistakes Ive made in the past or whatever. But this, this exchange clearly showed me that, even without any prior knowledge of me, she still saw me as a sort of monster or something. This realization ruined my day, and reintroduced me to a thought I had overcome, the disparity between me and my peers; how smart they were when compared to me, and how much support they had to compensate for their shortcomings rendering my efforts in even meeting them pointless.
The black and white nature of how not only peers and teachers see me as a bad apple and the futility of the efforts I would be able to put forth in trying to meet them seemed overwhelming. Unlike the rest of this first week back to school-- which in of itself had me make big missteps and had me found myself in awkward situations in school, which consequently had me think and overthink the implications of my actions-- this event has turned out to be disastrous in my mind and shot down every single motivation I had in doing anything. While the embarrassing things I didnt talk about shook my mind from time to time, I often brushed them off as something that happened in high school and will be confined there. But this has changed my mind completely.
Losing motivation also lead me to develop anxiety for disappointing and burdening my family. Being shunned by my peers and teachers(yes not just this one) has made me despair, like a kindergartener who was shunned and is able to think and understand complex emotions while still not having the capability of handling them.
The effects going to high school has so far on my mental health has become very apparent. My mood swings now change within a few hours when in the summer it had changed every few days or within a week and have become far more potent. Every time I eat anything I feel like I am eating too much, and despite getting enough sleep(ie. 7 hours plus like 10ish mins), I still feel drained in the morning and in the afternoon. Getting up now--ever since I started grade 12-- feels like I am entering hell after immersing myself in either anime or videogames or something. Its all so sudden, but I feel like I am approaching that last straw. I better consider whatever things Pamplemousse considered before coming to his conclusion and make an at least somewhat reasonable decision.
Thank you to whoever read this, while I may be inactive, I often check on this thread and read your posts. Every time that Neogaf logo is gray, I sort of feel some sort of relief because nobody has had a bad enough day to warrant posting something on this thread.
I understand that, while high school isnt a big portion of anybodys life, nor does it define what your future may entail, the importance my parents, teachers, and peers have placed on it paints an opposite picture. This pressure, alongside other pressure Ive felt ever since Ive started this school year, has been killing me.
First Id like to explain the academic pressures going through my head. Naturally, being the final year of high school, your marks, extracurriculars and etc. are imperative for the application youll be sending this December. Wrestling with my dysfunctional brain(anxiety, depression), I often skip out on volunteering opportunities and have never joined a single club throughout the entirety of my high school life. Up until today, Ive decided that I would give those a shot this year. Reading your encouraging posts, Ive set it a goal to join DECA, one of the biggest clubs on business. My parents have pushed me in going into business, and I never protested because even if I wanted to choose anything on my own(and I could), I dont have a passion for anything. This courage Ive developed for getting high marks and filling that extracurricular quota has been shot down completely. While I have a friend that Im sure is willing to help me in 3 of 6 of my classes(hes close and has tried helping me get over my head his own way), the disparity in not only skill, but support between me and my peers came over me once again and discourage me from even trying since I know theyre going to look down on me regardless of how much I try. This thought came over me because of something that happened today.
It was period 3 and it was math class, we had gotten a new student. She was older than us, probably one or two years older since she talked about how she was missing a course to get into what she wanted to get into. She was seated next to me in the same table as I am with two other people. When we were tasked with doing a group activity with one or two people per group, we could choose our own groups. After handing out the questions, the teacher came over to the new student and asked if she knew anybody here, to which she replied by saying no. The teacher then points to the two other members of the table who I guess needed partners too saying that they were nice people and as she was scrolling through my table she looked at me and stopped. That was one hit. Ten minutes had passed. I wonder why I never got a question, and so after looking at the people at my table, I understood that I already had a question and a group with the people at my table(or so I think that it was the implication, she may think I am a slacker or something). My group did the question without even saying anything to me. Its now the last ten minutes of the class and she was handing us homework. When the new person passed the paper to me, I thanked her and she replied, stopping as if she wanted to say more.
This exchange alone showed me how people perceived me. While I understood that people in this school clearly dont like me or find me difficult to approach, it was probably because of mistakes Ive made in the past or whatever. But this, this exchange clearly showed me that, even without any prior knowledge of me, she still saw me as a sort of monster or something. This realization ruined my day, and reintroduced me to a thought I had overcome, the disparity between me and my peers; how smart they were when compared to me, and how much support they had to compensate for their shortcomings rendering my efforts in even meeting them pointless.
The black and white nature of how not only peers and teachers see me as a bad apple and the futility of the efforts I would be able to put forth in trying to meet them seemed overwhelming. Unlike the rest of this first week back to school-- which in of itself had me make big missteps and had me found myself in awkward situations in school, which consequently had me think and overthink the implications of my actions-- this event has turned out to be disastrous in my mind and shot down every single motivation I had in doing anything. While the embarrassing things I didnt talk about shook my mind from time to time, I often brushed them off as something that happened in high school and will be confined there. But this has changed my mind completely.
Losing motivation also lead me to develop anxiety for disappointing and burdening my family. Being shunned by my peers and teachers(yes not just this one) has made me despair, like a kindergartener who was shunned and is able to think and understand complex emotions while still not having the capability of handling them.
The effects going to high school has so far on my mental health has become very apparent. My mood swings now change within a few hours when in the summer it had changed every few days or within a week and have become far more potent. Every time I eat anything I feel like I am eating too much, and despite getting enough sleep(ie. 7 hours plus like 10ish mins), I still feel drained in the morning and in the afternoon. Getting up now--ever since I started grade 12-- feels like I am entering hell after immersing myself in either anime or videogames or something. Its all so sudden, but I feel like I am approaching that last straw. I better consider whatever things Pamplemousse considered before coming to his conclusion and make an at least somewhat reasonable decision.
Thank you to whoever read this, while I may be inactive, I often check on this thread and read your posts. Every time that Neogaf logo is gray, I sort of feel some sort of relief because nobody has had a bad enough day to warrant posting something on this thread.
My Psychiatrist is trying to get me to go dairy free for a while as it looks like I am allergic or very intolerant of something in dairy. The other day I went looking for some anti-histamines in the medicine drawer but the only tablets in there contain lactose. So I decided to check my normal medication and it turns out my Seroquel XR contains lactose too. I have been taking it for years without ever checking. I went to the chemist and got some without lactose.
DongBeetle
Banned
So I've been self diagnosing myself with covert narcissistic personality disorder. I am sensitive to criticism, argumentative, prone to be envious, etc. Most of the symptoms apply to me. Although my therapist tells me that being worried about being narcissistic means that I'm not and nobody in my life seems to agree with my self diagnosis, I can't find much else that explains how I'm feeling. Although being narcissistic probably means I can't be cured
Are you interested in what is happening to other people?
DongBeetle
Banned
I feel guilty about not visiting my family enough and I felt bad when my dad lost his job. I get concerned if I think I've been rude to friends lately. I'm not sure
Are you concerned because you worry about what the consequences for you are?
DongBeetle
Banned
Like I'm not sure but I know none of those things benefit me other than burdening my conscience if I neglect them. It's weird
I don't receive money from my parents for instance so I know that him not having a job won't really affect me but I remember how much he loved it or how much he talked about it
I feel like if I am a narcissist there isn't much hope for recovery which kinda makes living pointless
NintendoGal
Member
Anyone else getting annoyed with threads accusing people of "overthinking" things? I know now after a recent session with my psychologist that I have severe social anxiety. Why do I bring myself up in this? To me, it wasn't so obvious to myself I had it until someone pointed it out.
So, I ask some strange questions about perceptions of others sometimes because of that anxiety. Thinking about it is making my hands start to sweat right now actually.
Just so many people who can't or don't want to empathize I suppose.
So, I ask some strange questions about perceptions of others sometimes because of that anxiety. Thinking about it is making my hands start to sweat right now actually.
Just so many people who can't or don't want to empathize I suppose.
Hey, never posted here before. Today was probably the first day I've been truly been glued to my bed. I'm up now, but I've been awake since 11am or so and now it's 2am about. Been out of bed for maybe an hour or so total.
Not a good feeling. Hell, physically it doesn't feel good. I can't do this tomorrow.
Not a good feeling. Hell, physically it doesn't feel good. I can't do this tomorrow.
The vast majority of people have no idea of what mental illness is.
Also very nice are the people who basically tell you to "just do it" or "get over it".
- Status