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[theofficefan99]

So I've been self diagnosing myself with covert narcissistic personality disorder. I am sensitive to criticism, argumentative, prone to be envious, etc. Most of the symptoms apply to me. Although my therapist tells me that being worried about being narcissistic means that I'm not and nobody in my life seems to agree with my self diagnosis, I can't find much else that explains how I'm feeling. Although being narcissistic probably means I can't be cured

A covert narcissist is a wolf in sheep's clothing. They are insanely manipulative and tend to cause severe trauma to whoever they get romantically involved with. If you are very manipulative, cannot truly love someone, and tend to lie your ass off, this could be the case.

Covert narcissists are also SECRETLY very entitled (aka they feel like everyone should bow down to them. Since they don't have the confidence to do this outright, they tend to have a group of enablers that bow down to them in other forms).

Malignant narcissists are also unable to truly point the finger at themselves. Instead they always deflect, avoid, gaslight, etc etc. They don't involve themselves in introspection. I've also noticed that covert narcissists tend to have zero sense of boundaries and are insanely touchy.

 

[yepyepyep]

...

Your high school anecdote reminds me of my high school experiences haha. I remember similar situations where I had to work with others who gave that body language that they are automatically do not like me; its like wat. The thing is these people are teenagers, during this age people can be incredibly shallow, superficial and unnecessarily cruel. They are also likely to be dealing with their own anxieties and insecurities of their own. It is a very strange time.

But as I said earlier, when you are in high school the social hierarchy feels like the end all be all, but it is really ephemeral once you leave school. It will be a stressful year from the pressure of results but it is only a year

Just be careful rushing into university straight after if you are not entirely sure of what you want to do. University can be expensive and if you don't have a direction, you can end up with a expensive degree that you don't end up using.

 

[VegiHam]

So, the past few months it's become really obvious that something is very not right. I can't do anything; I feel paralyzed. I spend whole days on GAF procrastinating working on my dissertation or job applications. I physically can't make myself work. I keep having panic attacks. I'm running out of money and I have bills to pay; but even going to my online bank and doing the four clicks it takes to pay rent takes four or five hours for me. I feel trapped. I'm so scared; like there's been a train coming at me head on; but it's been months now. I don't know what to do or how to change things.

 

[Booker Dewitt]

So I've developed a habit of sleepwalking, nothing egregious like uncontrollable peeing at this point, but this is concerning.

 

[cryptic]

I think I'm going to go to the bridge and jump soon.
I recently lost touch with a friend who I really valued, she slept with me and helped me when I was sick and later when I tried to get back in touch with her she came up with every excuse to beat me down.
That was my last try at a necessary friendship, of the sort I needed to keep going in life.
I just can't enjoy life in the slightest.
I have to work too hard for nothing and I honestly have no interest in love or anything anymore.
Dying will break my family but I can't suffer anymore for them.
I don't enjoy anything at all about life and I'm tired of screaming it like I can't believe it 'cow no one can believe me.

 

[chicko1983]

Dying will break my family but I can't suffer anymore for them.

Give someone in your family a call NOW!

When I'm feeling blue, after speaking to my family makes me feel better, even though I wouldn't say I get along well with them, not like I used to anyway.

But they always reminds me that there are people who I can talk to, even if it's not about my problems.

 

[Hermii]

Pretty sure I ruined my only friendship by coming off as too obsessive and needy, which is easy to do when you don't have anyone else.

She moved to Italy in April and had been away for four months before that. I was supposed to visit her, doubt thats happening now. She said she was missing teaching yoga and I replayed by saying I think a lot of people are missing your classes to. I talked to xxxxx about you the other day, and she was sad to hear you moved permanently to Italy. I also asked what airport I should fly to and when is a good time. She hasn't replied in about a week.

I hate being me, I keep ruining all my relationships and not realising how I come across until its to late.

Kind of want to ask her outright "are you ghosting me?" and if no answer just delete/ block her because part of me is still in denial.

 

[oni_saru]

I'm crying at work cuz i'm tired of my coworker taking job duties i typically do.

Aand i think the underlying issue is i'm losing control.

There's been other things that have happened to make me feel like i don't have control of my life right now. And work was the only place i thought things could be like normal. And now it's not.

 

[wandering]

I'm starting to wonder whether therapy is just a waste of my time.

 

[neojubei]

Sometimes looking though facebook or instagram and twitter and wonder how some people can have great looks, body and life and others like me fail at everything. If life is filled with winners and losers why shouldn't losers like myself be able to commit suicide? in my own experience life does not and will not get better. the last 5 years has been misery, the present has been misery and i can bet 5 years from now will be the same. why live life to experience more misery? just to live so others can not be sad that im dead? i can diet and exercise everyday and not lose this weight, why should i have to live in this body if i dont want to. i'll never aspire to anything i want myself to be. when i die i can relieve myself of so many burdens in this life. I have no redeeming attributes anyone would want in a partner so i know i will never get married or have the life others take for granted. i can just close myself and do myself in and in a second i am gone from this world and nothing of value is wasted.

 

[Hydrus]

Sometimes looking though facebook or instagram and twitter and wonder how some people can have great looks, body and life and others like me fail at everything. If life is filled with winners and losers why shouldn't losers like myself be able to commit suicide? in my own experience life does not and will not get better. the last 5 years has been misery, the present has been misery and i can bet 5 years from now will be the same. why live life to experience more misery? just to live so others can not be sad that im dead? i can diet and exercise everyday and not lose this weight, why should i have to live in this body if i dont want to. i'll never aspire to anything i want myself to be. when i die i can relieve myself of so many burdens in this life. I have no redeeming attributes anyone would want in a partner so i know i will never get married or have the life others take for granted. i can just close myself and do myself in and in a second i am gone from this world and nothing of value is wasted.

Those good looking, living a great life people on social media are the fakest people there is. Seriously, it's incredibly sad and pathetic the length people go to just to make themselves appear happy. Social media is all about " ME, ME, MEEEEEE!!!! LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!". I have a decent number of people on FB and most of them are completely different in real life then they portray themselves to be. I have one person that has 800 plus friends on FB. Everyday she post these perfectly edited photos of herself, she post of every place she goes to and brags about all the amazing things she does. In reality, she only has a few friends and they barely hang with her becasue they are all getting married, having kids, or moving away. She doesn't do nearly half the cool stuff she says she's doing , and in the few times I hang with her, she looks miserable/ bored, but is posting on media what shes doing and how great it is. Social media IS NOT the place you should be looking at to be comparing your life. The people who arent glued to there phones and posting 24/7 are the ones who are happiest in life.

You know what man? I've gone thru a serious depression the last 4 plus years. Many times I thought EXACTLY like you. Always seeing how happy I thought other people were and thinking my life was a waste as I didn't have as many friends as them, wasn't doing cool stuff like them, wasn't as good looking as them, etc. Then one day, I realized "Why the fuck do I care?". I'm just gonna do the things that make me happy, cut out all the negative people around me ( Even people who I thought were my best friends) and roll with it. And honestly, it was tough for a few months, but now I'm ALOT more happier now.
I live life at my pace, I do the things I love without getting judged, and along the way, I've met some people that I can call friends. The older you get, the less you give a shit. you start to realize people move on in life and most people dont care what you look like, how many FB friends you have, what stupid shit you do on the weekends, what stupid shit you bought, how perfect your life is, etc... I know it sounds cliched, but do what makes you happy and do it at to your pace. It will open doors that you thought didnt exist. You know what I enjoy doing? Reading GAF, playing video games, watching Game of Thrones and Dragonball super and talking about it with the folks on GAF, building shit around the house, playing with my dog, once in a blue moon play D&D with people, etc.... Boring shit. Boring shit is what most people think I do, but you know what, it makes me happy. Just do your thing and stop caring what the world thinks. You'll feel better eventually and then your really gonna go places in life.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

Wanted to post that for a solid minute I seriously considered killing myself. Just dropped in to say that, I'm going back to my beer. Enjoy yourselves.

 

[tearsofash]

Is anyone on seroquel? I take 300mg to help me sleep at night. Sometimes it works, and when it does I sleep for about 12 hours. Generally I only get 4-5 hours without meds or on lame shit like 1200 mg of gabbies that just makes me a lil calmer and more shaky. Also it makes me kind of in a nice neutral place for most of the next day while I'm awake.

 

[Hermii]

See my post above. Turns out she was just busy and we're still friends.

 

[neojubei]

Those good looking, living a great life people on social media are the fakest people there is. Seriously, it's incredibly sad and pathetic the length people go to just to make themselves appear happy. Social media is all about " ME, ME, MEEEEEE!!!! LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!". I have a decent number of people on FB and most of them are completely different in real life then they portray themselves to be. I have one person that has 800 plus friends on FB. Everyday she post these perfectly edited photos of herself, she post of every place she goes to and brags about all the amazing things she does. In reality, she only has a few friends and they barely hang with her becasue they are all getting married, having kids, or moving away. She doesn't do nearly half the cool stuff she says she's doing , and in the few times I hang with her, she looks miserable/ bored, but is posting on media what shes doing and how great it is. Social media IS NOT the place you should be looking at to be comparing your life. The people who arent glued to there phones and posting 24/7 are the ones who are happiest in life.

You know what man? I've gone thru a serious depression the last 4 plus years. Many times I thought EXACTLY like you. Always seeing how happy I thought other people were and thinking my life was a waste as I didn't have as many friends as them, wasn't doing cool stuff like them, wasn't as good looking as them, etc. Then one day, I realized "Why the fuck do I care?". I'm just gonna do the things that make me happy, cut out all the negative people around me ( Even people who I thought were my best friends) and roll with it. And honestly, it was tough for a few months, but now I'm ALOT more happier now.
I live life at my pace, I do the things I love without getting judged, and along the way, I've met some people that I can call friends. The older you get, the less you give a shit. you start to realize people move on in life and most people dont care what you look like, how many FB friends you have, what stupid shit you do on the weekends, what stupid shit you bought, how perfect your life is, etc... I know it sounds cliched, but do what makes you happy and do it at to your pace. It will open doors that you thought didnt exist. You know what I enjoy doing? Reading GAF, playing video games, watching Game of Thrones and Dragonball super and talking about it with the folks on GAF, building shit around the house, playing with my dog, once in a blue moon play D&D with people, etc.... Boring shit. Boring shit is what most people think I do, but you know what, it makes me happy. Just do your thing and stop caring what the world thinks. You'll feel better eventually and then your really gonna go places in life.

If dying makes me happy then I should do it.

 

[RuinerPrime]

Finally getting help. Went to my intake session last week, going to my first real session this Thursday. Wont be able to do the medication thing until 3 months from now tho, but this is a start.

 

[mrkgoo]

If dying makes me happy then I should do it.

It won't make you happy. It makes you nothing. I know how it might seem that feeling nothing is step up from the depression you're experiencing, but the depression can be over come. The nothing cannot be overcome.

 

[jufonuk]

If dying makes me happy then I should do it.

Don't do it. Op don't.
Don't compare yourself on FB to others.
For every perfect moment photo online there is millions of arguments bad moments that do not get posted you dont need the validation of others.

I am not perfect I am not rich or talented I am just me and yet somehow I have made that work.
I have issues we all do but we are the brace souls who talk about it.
It's taken me to being nearly 40 and a lot of issues to work through to realise this, I've finally reached the stage where I can say I like myself and I honestly am comfortable being me.


It takes time

Don't do it op. Please don't do it

 

[CortexVortex]

After my last post here, I've spent every single day getting drunk, sometimes to the point where I can't even remember what I did.
Haven't cleaned my flat in a while and it seems my heating system doesn't work anymore but I can't be asked to do something about it.

It's not even noon and I sit here alone, with tears in my eyes and there is no one I want to talk about it. I don't want to bother my friends with all that. They already tried their best to help me. I don't want them to know that I am getting worse again.

I can't help but thinking about an easy way out. First, these thoughts only came from time to time, but now it is almost constant. I know that it would be so selfish but I don't know how much longer I can endure it.
I don't have goals anymore anyway.

Sorry for sounding so pathetic, GAF.

 

[redlegs87]

After my last post here, I've spent every single day getting drunk, sometimes to the point where I can't even remember what I did.
Haven't cleaned my flat in a while and it seems my heating system doesn't work anymore but I can't be asked to do something about it.

It's not even noon and I sit here alone, with tears in my eyes and there is no one I want to talk about it. I don't want to bother my friends with all that. They already tried their best to help me. I don't want them to know that I am getting worse again.

I can't help but thinking about an easy way out. First, these thoughts only came from time to time, but now it is almost constant. I know that it would be so selfish but I don't know how much longer I can endure it.
I don't have goals anymore anyway.

Sorry for sounding so pathetic, GAF.

This happens to many more people than you think. You aren't alone in it or pathetic for it happening. Things will turn around for you in time. Maybe put on some music that makes you happy or just something to break the cycle of constant downness.

 

[CortexVortex]

This happens to many more people than you think. You aren't alone in it or pathetic for it happening. Things will turn around for you in time. Maybe put on some music that makes you happy or just something to break the cycle of constant downness.

That's the thing. Everybody keeps telling me that it will get better. But in fact it just seems to get worse.

 

[Hamarr]

I really want to kill myself right now. I need to find a way to do it. There is no way I will ever not be a loser. I can't be fixed.

 

[redlegs87]

That's the thing. Everybody keeps telling me that it will get better. But in fact it just seems to get worse.

Just hang in there. Change one thing a day in a positive way and eventually it will snowball and more things will be positive.

I really want to kill myself right now. I need to find a way to do it. There is no way I will ever not be a loser. I can't be fixed.

Call a family member or friend immediately. 1-800-273-8255 or call here just whatever you do don't harm yourself.

 

[Hamarr]

Just hang in there. Change one thing a day in a positive way and eventually it will snowball and more things will be positive.



Call a family member or friend immediately. 1-800-273-8255 or call here just whatever you do don't harm yourself.

No one seems to want to talk to me. I did call the suicide hotline and they called the police again. Thank god they don't know where I live right now.

Is it worth putting in all the effort to change things if it won't ultimately improve things? It seems that the only way I can be a worthwhile person is if I change everything about me. Then I might have some value. Just seems putting a bullet in my brain would have a better ROI.

 

[Omega Ultimus]

No one seems to want to talk to me. I did call the suicide hotline and they called the police again. Thank god they don't know where I live right now.

Is it worth putting in all the effort to change things if it won't ultimately improve things? It seems that the only way I can be a worthwhile person is if I change everything about me. Then I might have some value. Just seems putting a bullet in my brain would have a better ROI.

You want to talk with me or someone else in here? We're here for you!

If not, can you at least answer a few questions of mine, please? Why do you say that if you put in effort to change that it won't "ultimately improve things"? I also don't understand why you keep referring to yourself as worthless. Why exactly do you feel that way?

 

[CortexVortex]

Just hang in there. Change one thing a day in a positive way and eventually it will snowball and more things will be positive.

I will try, man, I will try. At least I called somebody to fix the heating, so from tomorrow on I won't have to worry about freezing to death anymore.
Thanks for talking to me, I really appreciate it.

 

[Hamarr]

You want to talk with me or someone else in here? We're here for you!

If not, can you at least answer a few questions of mine, please? Why do you say that if you put in effort to change that it won't "ultimately improve things"? I also don't understand why you keep referring to yourself as worthless. Why exactly do you feel that way?

Thanks for replying. One of my friends texted me back and we talked a bit. That at least got me out of my current suicidal thoughts.

I don't know. I've been working to try to understand why I think so little of myself. I just have these thoughts that I don't deserve to be happy, have no value, and am unlovable. I can recognize that it is emotional reasoning, like I am worthless because I feel I am but that doesn't seem to help.

I guess I feel like those things are so core to my being that I can change everything about me and those things will still be true. Like if I think about dating, I start thinking it would be wrong because no one should be interested in me.

 

[Omega Ultimus]

Thanks for replying. One of my friends texted me back and we talked a bit. That at least got me out of my current suicidal thoughts.

I don't know. I've been working to try to understand why I think so little of myself. I just have these thoughts that I don't deserve to be happy, have no value, and am unlovable. I can recognize that it is emotional reasoning, like I am worthless because I feel I am but that doesn't seem to help.

I guess I feel like those things are so core to my being that I can change everything about me and those things will still be true. Like if I think about dating, I start thinking it would be wrong because no one should be interested in me.

I'm glad you're feeling (at least a bit) better.

I understand what you mean. I've struggled for a long time with that sort of viscious cycle of self-hate/loathing and thoughts of worthlessness - or, even worse, of feeling like an active detriment to others around me. That last line about how you think about dating is something I've said to myself plenty of times before in the past. And, like you said, it's not something you can truly reason with when it hits. I've found that I need to actively change my outlook on life, somewhat force myself to be more positive and do things I enjoy to rid myself of those negative feelings. Like you said, it's emotionally driven, so changing your mental state first is key to building up your self-esteem.

Do you see a therapist, or would be interested in seeing one? I think cognitve behavioral therapy could help you out if you gave it a try and found a suitable psychologist. From how it sounds, these thoughts aren't specifically tied to legitimate memories of doing wrong, but rather are triggered by moments of guilt or shame (that themselves are not worthy of those feelings) that then snowball because you're reminded by previous depressive periods. I'm not a professional, so take it with a grain of salt, but that's essentially how my episodes develop. My point here is that these feelings are not some inherent part of you, and they can be extinguished by first understanding that fact. You have worth, and you deserve to feel that you do.

If you're not interested in going to a professional, but you want to hear how I deal with my own intrusive depressive thoughts, I can share more of my own process in building up my self-image and what I've found works for me. Either way, you're welcome to PM me anytime, about anything!

 

[mrkgoo]

Thanks for replying. One of my friends texted me back and we talked a bit. That at least got me out of my current suicidal thoughts.

I don't know. I've been working to try to understand why I think so little of myself. I just have these thoughts that I don't deserve to be happy, have no value, and am unlovable. I can recognize that it is emotional reasoning, like I am worthless because I feel I am but that doesn't seem to help.

I guess I feel like those things are so core to my being that I can change everything about me and those things will still be true. Like if I think about dating, I start thinking it would be wrong because no one should be interested in me.

Rational thinking is really hard, because the problem isn't anything rational - depression can be a chemical thing, with no amount of rationalising really helping. The best way to rationalise is to know that it's emotional, but there is an outside. Don't try to understand it beyond that.

You have worth, that's clear. but that worth doesn't have to amount to other people realising it - that's not important. It's also not about "putting in the effort to have a worthwhile outcome", if you tried you may find that the actual act of the effort IS the worthwhile pursuit. Some people want outcomes and final achievements without ever noticing that actually they just want to be working towards something, the actual achievement is not as important.

It's always worth trying, even if we fail, because that is how we move forward. You're in a forest, running in circles. Change a direction, and you basically have to come out eventually. Let people in to help guide you.

 

[redlegs87]

I have always had trouble with my impulse control. I buy things impulsively and I eat compulsively when alone. I just don't know where or how to start curbing them. I start to read things but then I just fall off doing that and stop. I probably have a crap ton of books I've meant to read on the subject but either never do or stop a chapter in. It's like my brain just forgets about the stuff right away. This is the one area in which still is causing me great stress and depression in that I am failing to control it in any sense. Then on top of this I may have to get a new therapist soon as mine may be moving and it took me forever to find them. I just feel like things are spiraling again in regards to what I've posted about.

 

[Hamarr]

After my previous post, a friend I used to work with called and we talked for a couple of hours. Then my older brother called me and we talked an hour or so. He was out of cell range when I texted him this morning. Speaking to both of hem was really helpful.

I'm glad you're feeling (at least a bit) better.

I understand what you mean. I've struggled for a long time with that sort of viscious cycle of self-hate/loathing and thoughts of worthlessness - or, even worse, of feeling like an active detriment to others around me. That last line about how you think about dating is something I've said to myself plenty of times before in the past. And, like you said, it's not something you can truly reason with when it hits. I've found that I need to actively change my outlook on life, somewhat force myself to be more positive and do things I enjoy to rid myself of those negative feelings. Like you said, it's emotionally driven, so changing your mental state first is key to building up your self-esteem.

Do you see a therapist, or would be interested in seeing one? I think cognitve behavioral therapy could help you out if you gave it a try and found a suitable psychologist. From how it sounds, these thoughts aren't specifically tied to legitimate memories of doing wrong, but rather are triggered by moments of guilt or shame (that themselves are not worthy of those feelings) that then snowball because you're reminded by previous depressive periods. I'm not a professional, so take it with a grain of salt, but that's essentially how my episodes develop. My point here is that these feelings are not some inherent part of you, and they can be extinguished by first understanding that fact. You have worth, and you deserve to feel that you do.

If you're not interested in going to a professional, but you want to hear how I deal with my own intrusive depressive thoughts, I can share more of my own process in building up my self-image and what I've found works for me. Either way, you're welcome to PM me anytime, about anything!

I have been seeing a therapist for a bit. She is having me do dbt right now, but I will ask her about cbt, as well. I have started Feeling Good a few times but haven't gotten too far into it on my own. There are a few thoughts that I find extremely difficult to counter on my own. I do tend to go into a negative spiral pretty quickly.

We have also been exploring some childhood stuff. My aces score was pretty high even though I wasn't abused much as a kid.

A few others have also mentioned doing things I enjoy to be happy. To be honest, I don't know what I really enjoy anymore. Gaming and watching sports and stuff is fun, but those things end up with me getting isolated. Maybe I need to plan on trying some new things on my own to get out and see if they are fun. I have thought of looking for groups on Meetup, but usually chicken out when my social anxiety kicks in. I also assume that no one will like me or want me there.

If you wouldn't mind sharing that with me, that would be great.

Rational thinking is really hard, because the problem isn't anything rational - depression can be a chemical thing, with no amount of rationalising really helping. The best way to rationalise is to know that it's emotional, but there is an outside. Don't try to understand it beyond that.

You have worth, that's clear. but that worth doesn't have to amount to other people realising it - that's not important. It's also not about "putting in the effort to have a worthwhile outcome", if you tried you may find that the actual act of the effort IS the worthwhile pursuit. Some people want outcomes and final achievements without ever noticing that actually they just want to be working towards something, the actual achievement is not as important.

It's always worth trying, even if we fail, because that is how we move forward. You're in a forest, running in circles. Change a direction, and you basically have to come out eventually. Let people in to help guide you.

Thanks. I'll try to keep that in mind about the outcome. I've had a few others tell me I don't give myself credit for taking the steps I do. Enjoying the process and the journey may help me to enjoy life more.

 

[neojubei]

It won't make you happy. It makes you nothing. I know how it might seem that feeling nothing is step up from the depression you're experiencing, but the depression can be over come. The nothing cannot be overcome.

That's the point. No more crappy job. No more being rejected. No more being fat and alone. No more being stuck in life when I can be free in death.

Don't do it. Op don't.
Don't compare yourself on FB to others.
For every perfect moment photo online there is millions of arguments bad moments that do not get posted you dont need the validation of others.

I am not perfect I am not rich or talented I am just me and yet somehow I have made that work.
I have issues we all do but we are the brace souls who talk about it.
It's taken me to being nearly 40 and a lot of issues to work through to realise this, I've finally reached the stage where I can say I like myself and I honestly am comfortable being me.


It takes time

Don't do it op. Please don't do it

Sometimes life works out for some people and for people like me it doesn't. Why should I have to live for others?

 

[Omega Ultimus]

I have always had trouble with my impulse control. I buy things impulsively and I eat compulsively when alone. I just don't know where or how to start curbing them. I start to read things but then I just fall off doing that and stop. I probably have a crap ton of books I've meant to read on the subject but either never do or stop a chapter in. It's like my brain just forgets about the stuff right away. This is the one area in which still is causing me great stress and depression in that I am failing to control it in any sense. Then on top of this I may have to get a new therapist soon as mine may be moving and it took me forever to find them. I just feel like things are spiraling again in regards to what I've posted about.

I definitely know what you mean about struggling with impulse control -- I'm not sure if it's just a way of coping for me or is some other factor, but it's been more prevalent since I've been more and more socially isolated. I've been trying to instead preoccupy myself with doing an activity I can glean some joy out of instead, and it usually placates my original obsessive thoughts (there's usually an intense build-up of thinking of wanting something that occurs prior before I make a rash purchase). Not full-proof, but I think I've been doing better at not splurging with my wallet/appetite.

After my previous post, a friend I used to work with called and we talked for a couple of hours. Then my older brother called me and we talked an hour or so. He was out of cell range when I texted him this morning. Speaking to both of hem was really helpful.



I have been seeing a therapist for a bit. She is having me do dbt right now, but I will ask her about cbt, as well. I have started Feeling Good a few times but haven't gotten too far into it on my own. There are a few thoughts that I find extremely difficult to counter on my own. I do tend to go into a negative spiral pretty quickly.

We have also been exploring some childhood stuff. My aces score was pretty high even though I wasn't abused much as a kid.

A few others have also mentioned doing things I enjoy to be happy. To be honest, I don't know what I really enjoy anymore. Gaming and watching sports and stuff is fun, but those things end up with me getting isolated. Maybe I need to plan on trying some new things on my own to get out and see if they are fun. I have thought of looking for groups on Meetup, but usually chicken out when my social anxiety kicks in. I also assume that no one will like me or want me there.

If you wouldn't mind sharing that with me, that would be great.

What's been key for me is understanding what are my "triggers" -- I'm not sure if I literally have those in the PTSD sense, but there are definitely certain situations, thoughts, and conversations that cause me to mentally collapse. So far, knowing what they are has allowed me slowly deal with them more rationally and, hopefully, will eventually lead me to ridding myself of them permanently. I still have random depressive episodes, but, comparatively, those aren't too hard to deal with, and they've become less frequent as I've become more social and occupied doing things I enjoy.

I would definitely look up events on Meetup, or maybe even consider looking for open Facebook groups in your area. I've been playing (even though I've never really played before) soccer with some people that openly invite anyone to play, even if you don't have prior experience. I doubt they would be so callous as to exclude you, especially if in the description it's labeled an open event. Things might be awkward at first, but you'll warm up to them, and they'll warm up to you too. You can perhaps try a few different activities and groups and see what you like; you'll end up finding a new hobby and group of friends!

I'll make sure to PM you some specifics on how I've been able to improve my mental health either tonight or tomorrow! In the meantime, take care.

 

[GiantBeagle]

Had a full breakdown last week. I've been on anti depressants on and off since 16 but this time for about a year and a half. Work got really bad, bosses changed my job completely leaving me with no work to do to occupy my mind. Spending every day just sitting there slowly drove me insane. I started waking up every night at 4am like clockwork, feeling sick at the thought of going to work, sometimes my stomach would get so knotted it would trigger my IBS. I started almost crying at work from boredom, finally giving in at the end of the day and crying on my way home in the car. I kept wanting to steer myself into barriers at 70mph on the parkway and having to use every ounce of strength to keep my wheel straight. So I had a breakdown.

Went to the doctor the next day, she listened to my story as I broke down again in front of her. Upped my dose and signed me off work for 2 weeks.

This was last week and even though I'm still off for a week and a half I'm obsessing over the idea of going back. It makes me feel sick every time I think about it. My co workers obviously now know why I'm off and I can't stand the thought of what theyre saying about me or will say when I'm back at work.

The doctor told me to come back in a week (wednesday) to check in on how the upped dose is doing. She said if I needed to extend the sick note that wouldn't be a problem. I don't know if I should.

 

[half a moon]

I don't know what to do with myself. Mental hospitals are a waste of money. Going back would disrupt my living conditions that suck to begin with. Antidepressants give me panic attacks. Therapy doesn't work for me.

 

[Nyanmaruz]

I started my 2nd job 3 months ago, and I think retail/customer service jobs is really intolerable for me.

More importantly, I'm tired of dreading about work. The dread everyday is seriously making me more and more depressed as each day passes. I am so tired of feeling and living this way.

I understand, the simple answer is to get a new job outside of this field ASAP. But it's always easier said than done. Especially when I have little to no experience or education to get a job outside of retail/customer service.

I strongly believe that the source of this feeling comes from my social anxiety and some learning disability that I had ever since I was a child. So working in retail/customer service related job totally does not help my case.

The only hope I have left is my current pursue in a long term career outside of retail/customer service that may or may not get my out of this constant feeling of dread, so if I just keep up my studies and put in the work, I think I can make it happen.

But right now, everyday is an absolute nightmare and I want it to end sooner rather than later.

So I guess what I need right now is a temporary solution to this dread while I work towards a permanent solution.
But I am unsure what this temporary solution may be in my circumstance...

 

[neojubei]

Hate being a failure at life. Would be nice to just not wake up anymore. There isn't anything in life for me and nothing to live for. Tired of being a loser always losing. Job life everything. No talent means no good job nothing left really. Wonder if pamplemouse is somewhere good and he is happy. I doubt I can be happy being alive In this world.

 

[thepotatoman]

How do i get my therapists to leave me the fuck alone and stop threatening to call the police on me despite them knowing that's a particular phobia of mine? I almost want to call them out on extortion.

I remember someone else here warning against opening up to a therapist and I didn't listen and now I'm regretting it. Never fucking do it.

And no, I am not a threat to myself, even if I have bad intrusive thoughts sometimes, it's never been like that.

Edit: Right when I post this they finally agree to get off my back. Only took one appointment where I was very clear I felt they were threatening me, and 3 progressively stronger emails. Still, never again. I'm done with therapy.

 

[PersonAndStuff]

I'm having a bunch of anxiety about going to a Meetup tomorrow. I know it's something I should be doing because I need friends who live in my town. And I think I'm usually fine in most social situations. But just anticipating some amount of awkwardness and even the slight possibility of it going terrible makes me want to run.

 

[jb1234]

How do i get my therapists to leave me the fuck alone and stop threatening to call the police on me despite them knowing that's a particular phobia of mine? I almost want to call them out on extortion.

I remember someone else here warning against opening up to a therapist and I didn't listen and now I'm regretting it. Never fucking do it.

And no, I am not a threat to myself, even if I have bad intrusive thoughts sometimes, it's never been like that.

Edit: Right when I post this they finally agree to get off my back. Only took one appointment where I was very clear I felt they were threatening me, and 3 progressively stronger emails. Still, never again. I'm done with therapy.

I have trouble with this as well, although with my primary care doctor. In order for me to convey just how much I'm suffering, I'll sometimes say "and I think about suicide every day" but I'm always scared that she'll try to commit me, even though it's my physical pain that causes the suicidal thoughts as opposed to depression.

 

[cryptic]

Give someone in your family a call NOW!

When I'm feeling blue, after speaking to my family makes me feel better, even though I wouldn't say I get along well with them, not like I used to anyway.

But they always reminds me that there are people who I can talk to, even if it's not about my problems.

I do call them a lot.
They're the only people I talk to when I'm not working.
Today I finished a ten hour shift at work and I was told my boss I liked is being let go. Well when I got on the subway I had a horrible nose bleed. People were kind but it'd like, the only time people talk to me is when I'm in pain.

I feel so empty and alone all the time. I can't explain how constantly painful borderline personality is, how bad it feels to just be empty or always overwhelmed at other times, so susceptible to almost losing control of your emotions, being forced to shut down,the anxiety, the paranoia, the suspicions that everyone hates you.

Yesterday on my first day off everyone was staring at me and it made me shake and scared like even if someone calls me a freak in passing like it's all I'm left, I have no one to argue it and I'm too weak to do anything but submit to the accusation. It's all I do I just reflect the image people have of me.
I try to be good, I try to do everything I can for others but...

I'm so lucky to have everyone, that everyone let's me be around with how crazy I am.

 

[Booker Dewitt]

So I'm planning my re-entry to a hospital once I get insurance. I'd figure that working a week or two at my job would be enough, especially since I've been asking it for months on end when I should of gotten it in April.

Well, there's a 7-11 about a forty minute walk from my place, and a baseball field is parallel to it. Assuming I can easily walk right in without it being considered trespassing, just sitting on a bench would be a decent enough of a place. So I could do this without taking one of my parents cars, only worry is about the key I would use to lock the house.

Also would be able to get cigarettes if the place I wind up at allows them.

 

[half a moon]

So I'm planning my re-entry to a hospital once I get insurance. I'd figure that working a week or two at my job would be enough, especially since I've been asking it for months on end when I should of gotten it in April.

Well, there's a 7-11 about a forty minute walk from my place, and a baseball field is parallel to it. Assuming I can easily walk right in without it being considered trespassing, just sitting on a bench would be a decent enough of a place. So I could do this without taking one of my parents cars, only worry is about the key I would use to lock the house.

Also would be able to get cigarettes if the place I wind up at allows them.

What are you planning on doing 40 mins from your house at the baseball field? Around here (tennessee) there are crisis centers you can go to to self admit to mental hospitals. Or you can go to ER.

I doubt you'll be allowed cigs.

 

[shaneo632]

Been feeling super anxious today, my foot keeps twitching, super annoying.

 

[Symphonia]

Literally every other guy on this fucking planet is wanted or loved or needed except for me. They make tweets or comments about wanting a girl or something and the girl fucking swoons. But I do it or just make a general comment and it’s like I’m a fucking creep. So, tell me, what is wrong with me? Is it my looks? Or my personality? Do I come off as some sort of pervert or creep? Because I’m really getting sick of fucking trying. Not just with people but with life.

I’m at fucking breaking point. I’m sick of not being wanted or loved or needed by anyone. Not one single fucking person. I just want someone to feel for the me the way I fucking feel for them. Is that too much to ask? Do I not fucking deserve to be happy? Or am I just better off slashing my throat now and have everyone be free of me?

 

[How About No]

Hi y'all I hope you're doing well today

So I'm thinking about asking my GP to recommend a psychologist or therapist this week. I've never been to a mental professional but its clear I'm suffering from attentive and motivational problems, that while maybe not that severe, has still been affecting my life in a huge way.

I want to write a big breakdown post eventually, but its hard to collect my thoughts in a non messy way without getting distracted and it take forever.

In not looking for a diagnosis for writing this..,this is more just practice for what I might tell a therapist.

*I have a difficult time reading books, articles or even GAF posts. I will find that my eyes will go over the text but my mind will wander and ill scroll through a paragraph realising I haven't read anything.

Also have a bad habit of not reading articles posted here, mostly just reading the headline or bolded text and hope I got the picture (I usually don't).

*internet addiction without getting substance. Well above I said I had a hard time focusing and reading, I also developed a habit of just reading a few words from each post and skipping to the next, unless I find some key word I can latch onto, then I may read that one or...most of it

*sometimes have difficulty following verbal conversations or instruction. And then instead of asking to repeat something, I'll just say I got even though I assuredly don't got it

*Not sure if I can even manage stressful situations due to not putting myself into them. I've been doing menial labor my entire life, I graduated tech school 1/2 to 3/4 time each semester so I never had a huge workload at any time. I graduated in 2012 but have still failed to get a portfolio together, even though I have made some strides this year, but its still not enough I'm sure...how can I trust myself to be employed doing that when I can't force myself to work on it like its a full time job??

I've been basically taking the path of least resistance my entire life. If I see something that looks remotely difficult I nope that option out. Even then I procrastinate like a motherfucker



Sorry for the rant, I tried

Literally every other guy on this fucking planet is wanted or loved or needed except for me.

Lol nah

Saying this as a fellow forever-aloner...and even then I can't say it'll be forever for us ❤

Sorry ur going thru those thoughts m8

 

[Lemon Crest]

How about No, it's great that you aware of issues that are affecting you and trying to seek out a mental health professional. Those are always difficult steps on the road to getting better.

Spoiler

P.S I thought it was cool when you rotated avatars everyday.

As someone who has dealt with anxiety and depression my entire life, I know how hard it can be to have/ maintain a positive outlook on life. I just wanted to give my love and support to everyone seeking support from this thread.

We're all just trying to make it fam.

 

[Hermii]

How about No, it's great that you aware of issues that are affecting you and trying to seek out a mental health professional. Those are always difficult steps on the road to getting better.

Spoiler

P.S I thought it was cool when you rotated avatars everyday.

As someone who has dealt with anxiety and depression my entire life, I know how hard it can be to have/ maintain a positive outlook on life. I just wanted to give my love and support to everyone seeking support from this thread.

We're all just trying to make it fam.

I had to read that 4 times before I realised "How about no" was a username lol.

Quote next time.

 

[smisk]

At what point should I talk to a therapist or something? Never seen anyone before but I've been having intermittent periods of depression this year (maybe a week every couple months) and the past few days have been especially bad. Lots of negative thoughts, anxiety, etc. Having trouble focusing at work too. Hopefully I'll feel better in few days but it's kinda overwhelming right now.

 

[How About No]

How about No, it's great that you aware of issues that are affecting you and trying to seek out a mental health professional. Those are always difficult steps on the road to getting better.

Spoiler

P.S I thought it was cool when you rotated avatars everyday.

As someone who has dealt with anxiety and depression my entire life, I know how hard it can be to have/ maintain a positive outlook on life. I just wanted to give my love and support to everyone seeking support from this thread.

We're all just trying to make it fam.

Thank you Lemon, were all gonna make it no matter how hard it is!

I talked with some friends who are also seeing therapists and they were pretty supportive

Spoiler

I calmed down on the avvie rotations, now its more a monthly thing lol

I had to read that 4 times before I realised "How about no" was a username lol.

Quote next time.

Well this two-minute name is certainly making dividends