Congrats to the Giants. You literally saved football for me and all virtuous fans of the game.
Eli my apologies. I have been worshipping false Messiahs for the last 8 years. First I referred to Big Ben as the Messiah. He did deliver Pittsburgh several rings and nearly a decade of excellence so he was a sports Messiah but not even his own mother would call him a good person.
This year I and millions of people were duped into believing in the other supposed virgin of the NFL. But Eli has opened my eyes and shown me what a fraud Tebow is. Tebow is just a pretend virgin. No virgin could have that body or command that kind of confidence. Eli is the only real virgin in the NFL and his virtuous ways are kryptonite to the unholy she-man demon known as Brady.
Also FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK the Pats, Bill Simmons, Kraft Cheese, Tammy Brady, Gronkowski (this is why you don't sleep with whores kids), Wes Welker (fuck you you disgusting choker), every sign Pats fan including their children, wives, siblings, coworkers and parents, Bellicheat for sucking massive dick at the end of the game for not using his timeouts earlier, the Pats defense (which only excels at cheating and hurting players), ESPN, Giselle Brady (disgusting whore, your mother is probably rolling around in her grave at the way you sell your body and even more at your taste in men), and also the Ravens and Broncos for almost allowing the Pats to win another Superbowl.
I can sleep soundly now knowing that thanks to Jesus Eli my kids are not growing up in world where the bad guys win. This win gives hope to all of us. Every fucking virgin goober out there (this describes 105% of GAF) now has hope of doing the impossible. Eli fucking won two Superbowls (and he did it this year with a shit team) in one of the toughest cities to play in, became the clutchest qb in the game (considering he comes from a family of chokers this is pretty impressive), married an attractive woman and even had a kid. All without having a lick of fashion sense and with his male hymen intact. You are an inspiration to us all Eli. Good night and God bless.
