Last time during Final Fantasy IV: Batman’s Dying Dream,
Sailor Batman learned that he was now officially a sex object.
Today we’re going to backtrack a little to get some stuff and then we’re going under the sea. Or something.
This entry was partially inspired by Sonic the Floathog (
Video 1;
Video 2). It’s just too bad I can’t go SSJ2 and break through walls to skip a bunch of sections without inputting the walk through walls code.
Where were we…
Serpent’s Road
Here, on Serpent Road or Snake Way whatever it’s called. There is no teleportation dungeon in this game, btw. That garbage only exists in The After Years because TAY felt a lot like a romhack where they decided to throw in a bunch of superfluous garbage at the player. Like RNG nonsense.
I’ve always liked the sound effect for Snake Way, by the way. Just be careful to not fall off of Snake Way to King Kai’s planet or else you’ll go to hell.
Welcome to Our Town!
And nothing’s changed. Well, NPC talk has changed, so let’s gather some info first.
Shit. I bet the king’s raised taxes again. Now we have to bust people out of jail. I wonder what Cid got jailed for?
Yeah, since the King’s apparently being an asshole now, he’d probably jail Cid for saying this stuff to him too.
Well, Donnie’s dead, so it’s probably another Karate. Maybe we can somehow persuade this new Karate to join our cause.
… Why would the king need a hand-to-hand fighter to lead his troops when he has a navy, airships, and the best military strategist in the world in Golbez? This makes no sense. Maybe he just couldn’t resist the power of Karate.
…Let’s leave.
Well, too bad because: kid, you’re stuck with Sailor Batman now; and lady, I’m sorry but you’re not allowed to star in a 1980s movie about dancing and rebelling against your parents anymore.
This town would be so much better underwater…
There we go. We should meet with the king.
I think these guys are drunk. We could take these guys out right here and now if we wanted to, but no, Sailor Batman is too much of a peace-loving kind of guy to do that now.
Let’s run away from the scary guards and backtrack to some place.
The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past – Turned Into A Rabbit!
We’ve gone back to the Misty Cave because we should probably check up on Mist Village to see if there are any people holding up okay in the ruins. But wait, the floor is missing! What ever will we do?!
Even the enemies and spoils of battle are invisible! D:
What is going on?
Screw it. The door’s open for our imaginations to allow us to fight whatever we want.
Zero no Kiseki Super Arrange – Inevitable Struggle
Well, most of you should probably know who these guys are.
The Dragon Tank has three parts: a Head, a Body, and a Grinder. Hit the head first because it heals and it’ll use fire breath on everyone for 20-30 damage. Then after you’ve taken that out, go for the grinder and only use physical attacks (meaning that Batman is doing the heavy lifting here). And then go for the body. Use magic and do whatever you want to do it.
Masa and Mune are easy when you know what to do. They’ll hit someone for 70-80 damage with their wind attacks. It’ll also store Tornado energy and use Pain… which’ll do about 120-150 damage to the entire party. When it stores that Tornado energy, it’s best to hit him with Batman’s Legend Sword to stop him from doing it. It’ll also counter for 40-50 damage to the entire party when it stores energy.
Ultros likes to use Ink and Tentacle against the party. He can also use Level 3 Muddle and Imp Song to give you nasty status effects. But since we have a lot of magic on our side, he doesn’t pose much of a threat. Ultros is weak against fire, so have Slam use fire against it. Lots of fire.
Gilgamesh is tough. His physicals can deal a lot of damage, so have Jam heal up with Cure 2. Sometimes he’ll cast a bunch of Wind-elemental stuff, and Goblin Punch. But what you have to watch out for is when his HP hits below 2500. He’ll cast a bunch of buffs on himself and will use Tommy’s Jump attacks to kick your ass. Have Jam cast Slow and Mute on him to stop him from doing what he wants. It’s a little too bad we don’t have the Ancient sword with us at this very moment, however. Gilgamesh is susceptible to Curse status.
Anyway, after that utterly grueling ordeal (oh thank goodness the Misty Cave is only one floor long), we find ourselves in…
Final Fantasy VII – Anxious Heart
What the hell. I swear we burned this village to the ground a few days ago. What’s going on? Is this Nibelheim? Are there men in black capes who will give me free crap while muttering “Reunion”? Is there a Mansion in the back of the village that acts as a dungeon? Are there people sleeping in coffins around here? D:
(also, sorry, I was still playing around with the foreground and sprites.)
Oh God, did the chocobo I summoned have to do that every single time? The poor thing!
So my assumption is that Baron is the only city that the people of Mist have communication with. They’re blocked by a mountain so they can’t access Kaipo any longer. Because the fire is “mysterious” and no one here is pointing fingers, I guess that Baron might have been spreading little lies to bury the truth about the fire?
What happens if someone spills the beans in the future? What then? Mist doesn’t even have enough military strength to defend itself to retaliate, so I guess they’re just going to wallow in self-pity for a while?
There’s a horse under the castle, he says. And that guy’s right. All of the callers are dead. Even Clair. We can’t possibly revive the callers now. They’re dead to the world. Our bad.
So this is where Bolton bought his role-play stuff. I am sorry you have to see this Abe… is what I’d say if he were still alive. The Dancing Dirk is pretty decent so pick it up. We’ll get a free Whip later on and it’s not at all useful anyway (remember what I said about the no critical hit bug earlier on).
This is widely regarded as Clair’s house. We get a bunch of stuff in here if we go into the secret passage in the fireplace. We find things like Clothes, a RubyRing, a Tiara, and a Change Rod. It’s kind of interesting that some of this stuff is starter weaponry. You may draw your assumptions from that.
The Tiara is a decent piece of equipment for any female party member, but we’re just going to let it sit in our bag for now. We’ll equip Palom with the Change Rod because it boosts his Wisdom by five, and his attack a little bit. His Black Magic will be stronger slightly.
Let’s go back to Baron now. I shall spare you my nonsense about the Misty Cave this time.
Let’s drop by the inn!
Is that so? Well, we’re good Sailor Senshi, so we’ll go punish them!
Wait a minute… that guy… he looks so familiar. Wait a minute. That means that according to Batman’s dying dream, Donnie survived! How is that even possible? He surely must have drowned, or Leviatan ate him. He could not have survived all of that at all. So much for mourning our dead friends. Well, one of them anyway.
Of course, this can only happen in Batman’s dying dream.
No he wasn’t. He was imprisoned for telling people to drink their damn tea, do you not understand this?
Must be newbies. Young newbies because apparently they can’t drink booze yet.
Batman, didn’t you know that Donnie hates Paladins? You should have said ‘Sailor Senshi’ instead.
Oh no, you little guards, you’re not getting in the way of my Karate!
Legend of Legaia - Attack
I like having fun during this fight because they’re human enemies and they’re weak against status effects. Like Piggy. They’re annoying, though, because they like to cast Piggy and Size (mini). Size affects your physical attributes, but it’s nothing that a Heal won’t cure. Just use whatever you want on them and toy with them a bit. No problems.
Next we have a boss battle against Donnie’s Karate.
Legend of Legaia – My Name is Songi
We are fighting a Karate.
He can hit us pretty hard if we’re not careful, and by “us”, I mean Slam and Jam. He will kick you and hit you. He’ll be like Donnie Yen and destroy you if you aren’t watching yourself. Best thing to do is blast him down and cast Slow on him. Oh, and funny thing—he has 62K HP for some reason, but luckily you only need to take a fraction of that down.
Batman, amnesia is the way that soap operas handle returning characters. I’ve seen it on The Young and the Restless and that Passions show my friends used to watch a lot. Don’t do this, man.
“You are being utilized by the Baron while you’re amnesiac.” I’ll let you guys handle that one. What the hell, game? We were doing so well for a while there! Now you’re busting out the crappy translations again.
Well. At least someone conveniently got to Baron in Batman’s mind, but… well, you know.
So… Leviatan chose to eat the kid out of the two men? Does anyone else see a problem with this? Batman, where is your logic? No, don’t tell me that this is Final Fantasy!
Everyone else like the sailors and the captain apparently died, so why do Batman and Donnie get to live? It makes little sense, really.
I swear we just told him where he was, but Abe muttered from his deathbed that he was being controlled by The Beer Baron so he probably got the wrong idea.
We should beat guards up every day so that we can get free room and board. Even Slam loves it because he was kicked and punched in the face just now.
Abe is certainly not Bolton’s father. He’s his father-in-law.
Also, don’t you guys just love how every time we meet someone new or old,
everyone has to introduce themselves one by one like this? It’s like a Spice Girls video.
And it feels bad, man.
Jam really needs to learn how to have fun. She’s so damn uptight.
Wow, for a second there, I felt like I was reading Final Fantasy Mystic Quest dialogue. Batman just doesn’t give a flying crap about wallowing in self-pity right now because he wants his beer.
Another name for this item is “plot convenience”. It’s like the game remembered, “oh yeah, we’re in a video game right now!” I suppose that Donnie might have Batman’s old key considering that they may have taken it away from him when his rank was stripped from him.
As for Donnie’s stats…
Well, he was stripped of his gear (and we left him without equipment when we left before anyway), so of course he’s not going to have anything on except for some pants. He’s a decent attacker, but we’re going to stick with a three-person party policy for now. Obviously we’ll have to revise this a little later on, but I think a party of Batman, Slam and Jam would be fine at the moment.
That key opens two doors: the Underground Waterway which is where we’re supposed to go, and the weapons shop. I’m not sure why the King would want the weapon shop to be locked up, because that certainly wouldn’t be good for Baron’s economy.
Though to be fair, I think Baron waging war with everyone else might affect trade and their economy anyway…
The weapon shop sells a bunch of gear for Karate. Because that makes sense for a town with a naval and air force comprised of heavily-armed knights and no Karates except one.
Soul Blazer - Seabed of St. Elles
Let’s get that treasure chest which ends up being 1000 bucks.
No, I promise we’re not going to do any of this in this dungeon. It’s too wonky to do it in. This game sure does seem to love its water stages, though.
But it’s moreso for implicit warning to the player with regards to the boss they’re about to fight. Remember how Milon was on a mountain filled with the undead? Well, the idea to think about here is ‘water’.
Tales of Xillia – That Sword, Dancing Magnificently
Every enemy here is either weak against Ice or weak against Thunder. It’s too bad that we’re keeping Donnie dead otherwise we might have an easier go of things. And when I say ‘easier’, I mean ‘faster’.
Aligators and Crocdiles can attack twice and hit either the same person or two different people. That can hurt, so keep an eye on their HP. They’re weak to Ice, though, so Slam could cast Ice or Virus to get them down.
Elecfish suck. They absorb Lit attacks. You can probably hit them with Virus or Ice… or a physical attack. Whatever works for you. Other enemies are weak against lit attacks, but I mostly like to use Virus anyway.
Aquaworms are also assholes. They like to cast Wave and Wave and Wave and Wave, so hit them with slow if you’re busy with other things, and cast Virus or Lit on it. Hydras can cast Entangle, which inflicts a hold status, but since they can be downed in one hit, down them as quickly as possible. They also come with Guards, but we know what to do with those.
This area can be confusing because there are so many hidden passages and you should find them to progress and get items.
Batman picks up the Ancient Sword here. The Ancient Sword has less attack power than the Legend Sword, but it’s good to stick it on Batman anyway because it inflicts Curse. It’s hard to tell in this version, but Curse reduces stats when anyone is affected with it.
Kingdom of Baron
Oh no, Baron is underwater. Whatever shall we do?
The first thing you’ll notice when you get inside the Baron Castle is that there is no one around. There aren’t any prisoners, there aren’t any guards, there aren’t any maids… there’s no one! Either they executed everyone, are imprisoning them somewhere but we don’t know where, or Batman just forgot how everyone looked so he omitted them from his dream altogether.
And I’m off to bed.
Next time: Something smells.
