Giant Bomb Thread #4: A thread of perceived slights

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frostyxc said:
One hour for a review? That is completely redactulous… riddickulous… ridonkulous? Let’s go with ridonkulous. That is COMPLETELY ridonkulous!

A critical analysis of interactive experiences is a very personal and harrowing experience. Like any form of art, you have to BE the interactive experience before you can truly analyze it the way it deserves. Living inside the experience and feeling its heartbeat will bring you together as one. Tasting every nook and cranny, followed by a hearty whiffing of any odiferous emissions, enhances your soulful connection to the experience in ways mere mortals cannot even comprehend.

Once you have rolled in the nectar of the Gods like a swine on PCP… you are then ready to gift the world with a tasteful, heart-rending piece of art. Yes, the true masters answer the questions of the universe by creating art of the mind and soul. Videographic games critiques are then painfully birthed unto this Earth.

So what does it take to write a piece of art for the lowly gutter dwellers to misunderstand and fear? Boy, let me tell you—it’s no trip to juvie for stealing those Culligan water jugs! You were just going to keep quarters in them, anyway. It’s not worth the pain and effort. Just take your quarters to the bank and have them rolled and exchanged for cash money. Your honey will love the cash money far more than your stories of being the recipient of many atomic wedgies.

Okay! The first step towards a masterful review is to convince yourself that you are going to write the review. Once you’ve deluded yourself into thinking that something productive is about to happen (often by hovering your fingers over the keyboard and making “tap-a tap-a tap-a” sounds with your mouth), shift your focus to the window. Stare out that window until your eyes cross and the world outside becomes a blurry Rorschach blot.

Wait… is that a DEAD bird? You’d better go and check that out. Girls are said to be fond of courageous men, so if that bird isn’t dead, maybe you can go out and save it with CPR. Nothing like creating art for the world to love without any love in your own life! Scurrying outside like an elderly man suffering from angina, you find out that the bird isn’t a bird at all. It’s a leaflet for a meat sale at the Meat Hut. That goes in the pocket for later.

The second step isn’t quite as involved as the first, so don’t you panic! After you finally come back inside with the meat leaflet burning a hole in your burnt sienna corduroys, it’s time to REALLY get down to business. Plop yourself into your bean bag chair (it’s the preferred seating for gamesmen/women) and watch some daytime TV. Boy, those TV show judges sure do hate the white trash and their problems! Just let the lady have her pit bull and $12 back! Geeze!

After a good six hours of enriching your mind with high-quality daytime drama, it’s time to tear into step three. This step involves you taking stock of your life choices by categorizing your Betamax collection by SMELL. Peach pits go on the left end, oaky barrel-aged cassettes go in the center, and ones that smell like that time Mark Dacascos fell into your shelving, bringing it all crashing down into a bizarre anecdote… they go to the right. “What about that one Betamax that smells like a wasted life, full of lost potential and emotionally crushing solitude?” you may, or may not, ask. Throw that one out.

With nine o’clock post meridiem rounding the corner, and all important steps completed, it’s time to write your masterful critique. Tap-tap-tap out those bloated industry buzzwords with hostile relish! Tip-tip-tip your hat to some inside knowledge that makes your opinion matter more than those lowly amateurs that consider themselves “competition”! Biff-boff-boof those scores to altitudes that only stars in the night sky can truly appreciate! And crinch-cranch-crunch… eat a carrot, or something. You look hungry.

And there you have it! A concise, biting re-telling of how an interactive experience critique is born!

How long does it take? Like 45 minutes. What am I, your stopwatch? Get off my porch!
Click to expand...

I want you to review yelp reviews next.
 
frostyxc said:
One hour for a review? That is completely redactulous… riddickulous… ridonkulous? Let’s go with ridonkulous. That is COMPLETELY ridonkulous!

A critical analysis of interactive experiences is a very personal and harrowing experience. Like any form of art, you have to BE the interactive experience before you can truly analyze it the way it deserves. Living inside the experience and feeling its heartbeat will bring you together as one. Tasting every nook and cranny, followed by a hearty whiffing of any odiferous emissions, enhances your soulful connection to the experience in ways mere mortals cannot even comprehend.

Once you have rolled in the nectar of the Gods like a swine on PCP… you are then ready to gift the world with a tasteful, heart-rending piece of art. Yes, the true masters answer the questions of the universe by creating art of the mind and soul. Videographic games critiques are then painfully birthed unto this Earth.

So what does it take to write a piece of art for the lowly gutter dwellers to misunderstand and fear? Boy, let me tell you—it’s no trip to juvie for stealing those Culligan water jugs! You were just going to keep quarters in them, anyway. It’s not worth the pain and effort. Just take your quarters to the bank and have them rolled and exchanged for cash money. Your honey will love the cash money far more than your stories of being the recipient of many atomic wedgies.

Okay! The first step towards a masterful review is to convince yourself that you are going to write the review. Once you’ve deluded yourself into thinking that something productive is about to happen (often by hovering your fingers over the keyboard and making “tap-a tap-a tap-a” sounds with your mouth), shift your focus to the window. Stare out that window until your eyes cross and the world outside becomes a blurry Rorschach blot.

Wait… is that a DEAD bird? You’d better go and check that out. Girls are said to be fond of courageous men, so if that bird isn’t dead, maybe you can go out and save it with CPR. Nothing like creating art for the world to love without any love in your own life! Scurrying outside like an elderly man suffering from angina, you find out that the bird isn’t a bird at all. It’s a leaflet for a meat sale at the Meat Hut. That goes in the pocket for later.

The second step isn’t quite as involved as the first, so don’t you panic! After you finally come back inside with the meat leaflet burning a hole in your burnt sienna corduroys, it’s time to REALLY get down to business. Plop yourself into your bean bag chair (it’s the preferred seating for gamesmen/women) and watch some daytime TV. Boy, those TV show judges sure do hate the white trash and their problems! Just let the lady have her pit bull and $12 back! Geeze!

After a good six hours of enriching your mind with high-quality daytime drama, it’s time to tear into step three. This step involves you taking stock of your life choices by categorizing your Betamax collection by SMELL. Peach pits go on the left end, oaky barrel-aged cassettes go in the center, and ones that smell like that time Mark Dacascos fell into your shelving, bringing it all crashing down into a bizarre anecdote… they go to the right. “What about that one Betamax that smells like a wasted life, full of lost potential and emotionally crushing solitude?” you may, or may not, ask. Throw that one out.

With nine o’clock post meridiem rounding the corner, and all important steps completed, it’s time to write your masterful critique. Tap-tap-tap out those bloated industry buzzwords with hostile relish! Tip-tip-tip your hat to some inside knowledge that makes your opinion matter more than those lowly amateurs that consider themselves “competition”! Biff-boff-boof those scores to altitudes that only stars in the night sky can truly appreciate! And crinch-cranch-crunch… eat a carrot, or something. You look hungry.

And there you have it! A concise, biting re-telling of how an interactive experience critique is born!

How long does it take? Like 45 minutes. What am I, your stopwatch? Get off my porch!
Click to expand...

This is the same length of a gb review and has the same level of pointless info as a gb review. How long did it take you to write? That's how long a gb review should take. Real talk.
 
Vire said:
Do they really have to send out the whole crew to GDC?

It's not like they are doing a panel there, have some people hold down the fort at homebase.
Click to expand...

Two weeks ago they were saying they would maybe swing by some things because it was close. Seems like a convenient excuse for not being able to handle their alcohol from PAX though.
 
Alucrid said:
Awesome, thanks. Gonna watch now, I forget when I started to watch TNT, but I never saw those cards against humanity ones, so I assume I have a lot of catching up.
Click to expand...

You have a ton of content to watch.

Good luck:
tumblr_mk6s3dzjLf1qbdynmo1_400.gif
 
Reading frosty's posts as though they're from the narrator of those old Goofy instructional cartoons makes everything so much more fun.
 
Here's that Bioshock Infinite review you guys been clammering for

http://www.giantbomb.com/reviews/bioshock-infinite-review/1900-568/



You'll see a lot of BioShock in Infinite, but even if you try to make direct comparisons between the two, it's clear that Infinite is a far better game than its predecessor. It moves at a better pace, with more meaningful and more playable big encounters than BioShock. But it still carries that sense of exploration and the feeling of dread that comes with knowing that everything is just continuing to unravel before your very eyes. Watching Columbia fall while attempting to take Elizabeth away from the floating city is a fantastic way to spend a few days.
Click to expand...
Score:

5 out of 5
 
Jeff hates Red Dead so dude's barometer is on point. Infinite is prolly godlike.
 
sixghost said:
There's an IGN quote on that box? They gave it a 2/10 for god's sake.
Click to expand...

One day they'll command the respect that all of them will get a box quote at the same time, even Alexis. GIANT BOMB FOR GLOBAL DOMINATION 20XX!!!


Happy to see Jeff got the review up before the day was over.
 
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