The mibbit chat is usually nice, like 3-5 people that are present in the evenings or so. Sometimes more if we set something up specifically.
:lol awesome
Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
- Start date
- Status
The mibbit chat is usually nice, like 3-5 people that are present in the evenings or so. Sometimes more if we set something up specifically.
:lol awesome
You really sound so much like me =/ I struggle with the same feelings a lot, but I tend to be pretty good at helping others with their problems sometimes. It's dealing with my own that are the most difficult. I've started on anti-depressants yesterday, so I don't really know how it's gonna turn out, but I'm still trying to remain positive...even though I know exactly how it feels to just think that it will do me no good. It has always seemed that when I've tried to be positive, that I usually just get shot down again.
Bel Marduk
Banned
Glad you're doing better, Bagels. As I believe we've discussed before, ambien is a lot of fun. or rather, is sometimes. Not this time.
It's a bit long but I'm partial to this:
Desiderata
Max Ehrmann said:
Max Ehrmann c.1920
I was stubborn for many years and didn't ask for help when I couldn't afford it. All it did was get me more trapped in my own little corner, unhappy with myself but doing the proverbial "banging my head against the wall" way of dealing with it that didn't help anything. I've started taking a very low dose of an SSNRI that a GP prescribed me at a walk-in clinic. You can generally start a two week trial, which isn't very expensive at low doses. Before asking for medication, reach out to whoever you are close to who you think will help you afford medicine/help. As for seeing a therapist or what not, call and ask if they have a "sliding" payment plan. Many do, and you can get sessions at significantly reduced prices per session depending on your income and coverage (or lack of).
I did reach out to a doctor on my own, but it was my GP, and it took me years to really look at how all the stuff I was unhappy with in my life and the troubles I was having were a direct result of depression.
:lol awesome
Demerit! lol
User 100115
Banned
Quoting for the new page.
CrushDance
Banned
I think I've finally jumped the shark in dealing with racism. I feel like lately that I've just been exploding on people(internally) and subtly for even the slightest jokes or whatever and I haven't slept well in over a week. I know that I have a problem, but I don't even know where to begin in dealing with it. The worst part is the panic attacks that I have when laying down and the reoccurring nightmares. Sometimes I just wake up sweating and shaking like crazy with the dreams that I have. And my heart rate seriously freaks me out sometimes. I struggled with this last year and managed to overcome it a little, but I asked a girl out about a month ago and(once again) was told straight to my face that she doesn't find black guys attractive.
I have so much tension and anger built up inside of me that I get really scared of what I might do sometimes if I didn't have a strong moral centre. I thought of leaving the country or something, but I have nowhere to go; know nobody; and it'd probably be way worse in other places. I seriously feel that there's no place for me in this world sometimes and it's literally hurting me physically. Sometimes I just lay in bed and cry.
I fucking ordered 6 pizzas last week and just sat there in my room on the floor eating them. Got up, went out at 4 in the morning, bought 4 packs of oreos and just ate and ate until I couldn't any more and went to bed. Some days I don't even eat at all. I hate going out in public and my weight has gone from 180 to 276 in 5 months. It's like nothing I do will ever change what the hell I am and I just don't see the point of trying or doing anything anymore. I want to kill myself sometimes but I'm too afraid of what it'd do to my mother and family. I don't want to be a "loser" or let her down. But the way I'm living isn't living at all. I don't know what to do.
I have so much tension and anger built up inside of me that I get really scared of what I might do sometimes if I didn't have a strong moral centre. I thought of leaving the country or something, but I have nowhere to go; know nobody; and it'd probably be way worse in other places. I seriously feel that there's no place for me in this world sometimes and it's literally hurting me physically. Sometimes I just lay in bed and cry.
I fucking ordered 6 pizzas last week and just sat there in my room on the floor eating them. Got up, went out at 4 in the morning, bought 4 packs of oreos and just ate and ate until I couldn't any more and went to bed. Some days I don't even eat at all. I hate going out in public and my weight has gone from 180 to 276 in 5 months. It's like nothing I do will ever change what the hell I am and I just don't see the point of trying or doing anything anymore. I want to kill myself sometimes but I'm too afraid of what it'd do to my mother and family. I don't want to be a "loser" or let her down. But the way I'm living isn't living at all. I don't know what to do.
User 100115
Banned
Christ, where do you live? That is so awful. Maybe, it might be best just to fold and move to less racist asshole area? I know it would seem like they get to 'win', but really, you'd win because you'd be so much better off.
Stay strong man.
Collete
Member
why?
NeOak
Member
If its alcohol you're drinking, yes, it gives you a temporary relieve from those bad feelings.
But don't do that to yourself. People here care for you enough that they worry when you post things like this.
SO glad to see you are fine. You had me worried earlier today.
Good luck with the meds. I hope they work fine for you.
I'm too much of a coward to admit I may need to see a professional or try any meds, so I won't. And yes, I bought 4 CDs today, and decided I'll have to try to be more optimistic. It's really hard, but I NEED to. I know the feeling that being positive is useless, but right now I believe the alternative is worse. So I'll try it again, even though I know I will fail... Fuck it, I already lost. OK, I'll begin now.
Surely you know that drinking when you're feeling down actually makes everything worse, right? That's not the most sensible thing to do in that state. Unless that's exactly what you want... Either way, I'd suggest that you stop.
Collete
Member
It was meds, wasn't alcohol...Promised someone not do anything for awhile. So eh.
NeOak
Member
Well, at least the no alcohol its a relief.
I honestly wonder how many people would remember if I didn't have it on fb.
I purposely took it off my facebook since then.
The people who are my "real" friends will know the date by heart. The "fake" facebook friends will be just that, facebook friends.
Hello depression gaf ive been lucking this thread since as long as i've been lurking gaf. To be honest it was one of the reasons I applied for gaf membership in the first place because your all such wonderful caring people and your kindness has always brought a smile to my face on the crappiest of days. I always wanted to post but its hard for me to put myself out there because I'm afraid of sounding foolish. Well Today was really terrible for me and its why ive decided to post since I need to vent and right now i'm sitting alone in a dark empty house and my thinking about today is driving me nuts. So for a while now i've been a useless sack of crap no school no job just been feeling sorry for myself in bed with zero motivation, and feeling horrible about not being able to get myself out of bed and help my Mom with anything. But this Tuesday i got a call from a place id applied for in January and low and behold I got the job on the spot and when i told my mom what happened she was ecstatic going on about how are troubles were coming to an end and how this was going to change me into better more realized person. This is not the first time id heard this form my mom and im afraid its not going to be the last.
The reason i say this is cause today was my first day on the job and everything went form awesome to shit. Im an outside Security guard(or was idk yet) which means i just go around a parking lot in a golf cart form 9 to 5. I was actually really indescribably happy in the golf cart when i started my shift today because for the sole fact that i was employed and i actually enjoying myself. well long story short idk like two hours into my shift i run into the front some ladies car as i had just made a turn and she was moving her car to a different space in the shade. As this happened I think i might have panicked and hit the gas some more before i hit the brake and made a nice sized dent in the side of her car towards the frontend. after I hit her i pull the cart in reverse she goes to were she was going and we check the car see the dent we both freak out and I'm pleading with her that i would pay to fix the dent in the car and she tells me that it wouldn't have been problem but it wasn't her car but her sons. So i plead and give her my name and phone number hoping she takes me up on my offer to fix the dent and not get any one else involved she seems to agree to my relief. So she went on her way and i decided to tell the inside guard my supervisor what had happened because i thought i might not go so bad if i was honest and to my surprise he told me its was no problem that he had run into people cars like that once or twice when he worked the job and as long as nothing was totaled or anything it was fine. So I go back on my shift relived but still really rattled because i was afraid of being fired on my first day when id say like thirty minutes later i get a call on my radio to come back inside the office and when i step there was the lady and another woman dressed in white arguing with my supervisor saying that there going to get the police involved and all this other stuff and i just felt like i was in court and the lady in white was the the prosecutor twisting every word i was saying and making it sound like she was going to lock me up and throw away the key.
So afterwards we go outside to recreate what happend and the lady in white still driving home how they had this in the bag and that i was at fault. afterward they ask for my a copy of my drivers license and that were it all goes even further to shit because yeah i don't have one and the lady in white was going on about how could they hire some one to drive without a license and all this and reality set in i was screwed i was going to get fired i was going to get My boss in trouble for hiring me when she knew full well that i didn't have a drivers license and that i had failed my mother yet again and continuing to be a good for nothing piece of shit that can't even help his own mother and is nothing but a burden. So what do i do i begin crying uncontrollable and bawling about how i failed my mother and that im never going to nothing more then a burden my mother and i needed the job so my mom could quit having to cleaning office buildings all day and all night just to keep us afloat. and my supervisor telling me to stop crying and the ladys are trying to get me to stop to telling me that they haven't done anything yet so. my supervisor pulls me inside the building were our guard office is and tells me that i need to calm down and tells me that i need to file a report while he gets on the phone with our head office.
so as im trying to hold back my tears filling out the report the lady who's car i had hit comes in the office and tells us that shes not going to go through with any thing because she didn't want me losing my job. so that was that and i went back outside to my cart like nothing had happend feeling like shit beacase the scene i caused and how pathetic i was for crying like that at 23 years old in front of everyone. its cause of stuff like that why i think i just shouldnt be alive why cant i just be normal like everyone else god i hate myself. Holy crap did just type all that Im so sorry i might just delete it if its to much im sorry for being such a bother.
The reason i say this is cause today was my first day on the job and everything went form awesome to shit. Im an outside Security guard(or was idk yet) which means i just go around a parking lot in a golf cart form 9 to 5. I was actually really indescribably happy in the golf cart when i started my shift today because for the sole fact that i was employed and i actually enjoying myself. well long story short idk like two hours into my shift i run into the front some ladies car as i had just made a turn and she was moving her car to a different space in the shade. As this happened I think i might have panicked and hit the gas some more before i hit the brake and made a nice sized dent in the side of her car towards the frontend. after I hit her i pull the cart in reverse she goes to were she was going and we check the car see the dent we both freak out and I'm pleading with her that i would pay to fix the dent in the car and she tells me that it wouldn't have been problem but it wasn't her car but her sons. So i plead and give her my name and phone number hoping she takes me up on my offer to fix the dent and not get any one else involved she seems to agree to my relief. So she went on her way and i decided to tell the inside guard my supervisor what had happened because i thought i might not go so bad if i was honest and to my surprise he told me its was no problem that he had run into people cars like that once or twice when he worked the job and as long as nothing was totaled or anything it was fine. So I go back on my shift relived but still really rattled because i was afraid of being fired on my first day when id say like thirty minutes later i get a call on my radio to come back inside the office and when i step there was the lady and another woman dressed in white arguing with my supervisor saying that there going to get the police involved and all this other stuff and i just felt like i was in court and the lady in white was the the prosecutor twisting every word i was saying and making it sound like she was going to lock me up and throw away the key.
So afterwards we go outside to recreate what happend and the lady in white still driving home how they had this in the bag and that i was at fault. afterward they ask for my a copy of my drivers license and that were it all goes even further to shit because yeah i don't have one and the lady in white was going on about how could they hire some one to drive without a license and all this and reality set in i was screwed i was going to get fired i was going to get My boss in trouble for hiring me when she knew full well that i didn't have a drivers license and that i had failed my mother yet again and continuing to be a good for nothing piece of shit that can't even help his own mother and is nothing but a burden. So what do i do i begin crying uncontrollable and bawling about how i failed my mother and that im never going to nothing more then a burden my mother and i needed the job so my mom could quit having to cleaning office buildings all day and all night just to keep us afloat. and my supervisor telling me to stop crying and the ladys are trying to get me to stop to telling me that they haven't done anything yet so. my supervisor pulls me inside the building were our guard office is and tells me that i need to calm down and tells me that i need to file a report while he gets on the phone with our head office.
so as im trying to hold back my tears filling out the report the lady who's car i had hit comes in the office and tells us that shes not going to go through with any thing because she didn't want me losing my job. so that was that and i went back outside to my cart like nothing had happend feeling like shit beacase the scene i caused and how pathetic i was for crying like that at 23 years old in front of everyone. its cause of stuff like that why i think i just shouldnt be alive why cant i just be normal like everyone else god i hate myself. Holy crap did just type all that Im so sorry i might just delete it if its to much im sorry for being such a bother.
It's a shitty day. Now try to press the "pause" button for a second.
-You're not fired.
- You made a mistake that is incredibly common, and let's say it, far from being a serious accident.
Please, concentrate on the everyday work, and try stopping the whole "I won't live up the the others' expectations" circle. When you see your boss, apologize for your breakdown. It won't happen again. You just happened to live one of the worst situations you could face in this job. It's done. But it's hardly something that should affect you so much.
Just concentrate on keeping your job, and this accident will be all forgotten in a few weeks.
I know its just if im trying so hard not to fuck up and i do i can't clam my negative thoughts and they were talking about police involvement and it was just to much to bear on my first day. I bottled it up good the rest of the day but when i got home my thoughts just overwhelmed me again. its one of the reasons I haven't done jack shit with my life this always happens to me.
Still too far. No chance of a southern GAF meet-up, is there?
I'm not sure if I like the "for a while". But I guess it's better than nothing :/
Alcohol and depression is a big no, in my book.
That's not true. I have a terrible memory and can't remember a single birthday of any of my closer friends, despite us getting together on each of those days every year.
AFollowerNotALeader
Member
I know it's not much but I've now reached the stage with my OCD + depression that I've been able to turn avatars on on NeoGAF without fear of:
1) Someone using one that'll get me fired.
2) Someone taking exception to mine and hating me forever.
BABY STEPS.
1) Someone using one that'll get me fired.
2) Someone taking exception to mine and hating me forever.
BABY STEPS.
Your avatar is awesome and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Stop that. Liver disease is no fun.
Collete
Member
Neither is living in this world with constant agony, pain, suffering...
I already regret even promising waiting....It's too painful to even get up in the morning...It all just hurts....I just want it to end...
You need better habits Oomi.
How about cutting down on things that are dangerous for you?
And more importantly, increasingly do things that are fun, that make you happy!
Do you have goals? ambitions? bucket list?
Collete
Member
You need better habits Oomi.
How about cutting down on things that are dangerous for you?
And more importantly, increasingly do things that are fun, that make you happy!
Do you have goals? ambitions? bucket list?
No...I just want to pass on...
Don't have a bucket list or care to have one. My goals and dreams were all foolish and impossible to even accomplish. (Please, do not say they aren't foolish or impossible. It will accomplish nothing for you or even me.)
Well that's something silly to say. Every life is worth living, even mine!
I know things look bad now, maybe they have looked bad for quite a while but you should never give up.
Well it's your life. Do with it as you will. I'd personally love to see Africa one day.
Try going for a walk Oomi. Sometimes that helps me clear my head.
You know where to find me, if you want to talk. Even if it is just to say good morning across the Atlantic.
holy hell. So overwhelmed w/ lonliness right now. Just hit me like a ton of bricks. I take 10mg of lexapro, but stopped a few days ago. I'm guessing that's why....
I know lonliness isn't depression, but I feel like they are both feeding off each other. I just walked around on my lunch and kept holding back tears. ugh.
I know lonliness isn't depression, but I feel like they are both feeding off each other. I just walked around on my lunch and kept holding back tears. ugh.
Dr_Boris_Goltz
Banned
I'm at a new psychiatrist today.
I got super suicidal for a few days there... Was really scary. Felt like my old self.
Also why does it feel good just typing this stuff out even if nobody reads it?
Am I just self-centered? I sometimes wonder if that's all mental illness is. I mean I've been diagnosed with pretty severe depression and anxiety, but what if it's just because my ego needs to come up with problems in order to feel distinct from everyone else?
I got super suicidal for a few days there... Was really scary. Felt like my old self.
Also why does it feel good just typing this stuff out even if nobody reads it?
Am I just self-centered? I sometimes wonder if that's all mental illness is. I mean I've been diagnosed with pretty severe depression and anxiety, but what if it's just because my ego needs to come up with problems in order to feel distinct from everyone else?
Don't overthink it. Humans are social creatures. The act of writing something down is a form of communication, even if you don't know who the communication is getting out to. It is a social action. An affirmation of self. Probably why is makes you feel a bit better. You get to let out something negative that is bottled up. Also, admitting to something other than your own conscious that you're having a rough time might make you feel less alone/upset about your current situation.
:3
ClassyPenguin
Banned
If your dreams are being an F1 driver or something like that where it's extremely unlikely then yes.
For everything else, there is always a way. And yes, I mostly don't believe it myself but you never know.
Every life isn't worth living. Why should anyone live to suffer
When I was stuck on repeat and feeling really low I read into Buddhism a fair bit. It gave me a better perspective on things and helped me separate from my close attachement to misery.
No one ever asked to live, but that's what we have to do, so just take the route you want your life to be headed, do what is necessary to have the life you desire. If you keep not doing anything, you will never accomplish what you want and you will live suffering forever
What if I don't want any life I just don't want to live?
What so great about life if you have nothing to contribute? Or ugly and no one wants you. Or awful at everything.
Kill yourself if that's what you want, but I warn you that life is worth it if you put some effort to it
Things have been living lives before anyone or thing had the concept of asking. I'm not challenging you or how you feel on things. I just notice you hold closely to your feelings and opinions on life. Close enough that I'm willing to bet it is hard to separate from them and think in a different way, much less feel any different.
I know how you feel crush. For me online gay dating sites awful. The moment they know your black forget it.
I'm fat short ugly and most likely never going to date. Why would I want to put effort in this life?
I just want to die. If people find happiness in their life that's great. If people enjoy life that's great too. My life up to know isn't great and I hate. People who told me life would get better in high school lied same people that told me in college lied. People that told me the same thing after college lied.
Things don't get better for everyone. Some people have to live an awful shitty life so others can have an awesome life. Fine they win. I just want to leave.
People feel things besides happiness. Highschool and college years were the most difficult times of my life. I felt awful almost all the time, I had a really hard time with the few people I was actually around and I was my own worst enemy. I'd tell myself negative things about life, other people, and myself to myself constantly. And whether those things were completely true or untrue, I made them true in my own mind. I made things worse for myself, perpetuated my own misery, attracted the exact kind of people into my life who were bad for me and pushed away anyone who would be a positive influence in my life.
Change for the better is slow, and it usually stagnates if you tell yourself everything is bad and things will never change. It's one of the hardest things to do but getting a professional to talk to, a medication to help get you away from feeling "on-the-floor" low and stoping the negative self-talk is a huge step towards making things better. But sticking with these things and continually living one day at a time is what I believe to be the best way to start. It can be overwhelmingly hard.
NeOak
Member
Make new ones.
Sub_Level
wants to fuck an Asian grill.
Guys don't get caught up in the whole drinking away your sorrows cliche. There might be a time and place for that, but chronic depression is not one. I've done really bad things with the stuff including that. Go take a walk outside with some music or cry it out and punch a pillow or do jump ropes. And then try forcing yourself to read a book or somethin'; for me I pass the time in my boring job by listening to lectures from acclaimed universities.
And it's important to note that you probably won't feel better overnight, so if you're depressed right now that's prolly still how you'll be when you finally get to bed tonight. There's no one revelation that clicks. It's a staircase full of many steps, but if ya start doin' more stuff for yourself one day months from now you might notice a change and start to feel optimistic and even normal.
Loneliness certainly can be depression, or at least one facet of it. Yeah it can relapse/come out of nowhere. And yes, going cold turkey may have played a role. But eventually you'll get back to "normal" and from there you can decide to either go back on it, try a different route, or just try dealing with things without meds.
And it's important to note that you probably won't feel better overnight, so if you're depressed right now that's prolly still how you'll be when you finally get to bed tonight. There's no one revelation that clicks. It's a staircase full of many steps, but if ya start doin' more stuff for yourself one day months from now you might notice a change and start to feel optimistic and even normal.
Loneliness certainly can be depression, or at least one facet of it. Yeah it can relapse/come out of nowhere. And yes, going cold turkey may have played a role. But eventually you'll get back to "normal" and from there you can decide to either go back on it, try a different route, or just try dealing with things without meds.
Yes it is. It's a terrible idea. I'm glad to see you managed to get a hold of yourself before you did something stupid.
Last year I almost threw myself out of the window after drinking alone at home, on a night when I was feeling especially shitty. And if I had drunk a little more, I may probably have done it, but luckily I realised that I was being a complete fool, got inside again (I had only my head and torso out) and went to play some Portal 2 and TF2 online with a friend (I sucked big time).
NeOak
Member
- Status