Four year relationship ended cos I dont want kids

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Booser

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Apologies for another gf thread GAF. I tried ignoring it but I think I need to just write it down.

On monday my gf of four years told me she wasnt happy and wanted to leave. She told me that I wasnt happy either and that we should split before we started resenting each other. Truth be told I was feeling the same way. Id often think about breaking up with her but I guess the comfort and familarity of being with someone made me ignore our obvious problems.

I'm 30 years old but I still dont want kids. She does. I want to continue travelling and focus on my interests rather then starting a family. She didnt want a child straight away (she is going back to college for further nursing qaulifications in september) but she did want one in a few years (she is 25). It was a huge difference when it came to crunch time in the relationship. I agreed 100% and so we broke up on friendly enough terms.

I'm still feeling bad about it though. Not just about her but myself. So many of my friends and family around the same age as me are settled in marriage and kids and seem happy. Its probably the usual fears of ending up alone when Im old.

There are a few things about the break up that Im still hurt and confused about. I think the main thing is Im worried how I will react when the inevitable happens - she finds someone else. Even the thoughts of her hooking up with a random guy in a bar sickens me a bit right now, even if I understand how some people need to "rebound".

Two days previous to the break up was our four year anniversary. We were busy that weekend so I had nothing planned for it. I had a book ordered for her - the latest in her favourite series. Im wondering whether I should post it to her now. Im thinking I will along with a letter explaining that Im thankfull for four years of memories and wishing her the best, but explaining that this will be my last contact with her. She wants to stay "friends" and the usual girly BS. Im gonna delete her off FB but I suppose I feel I need to justify things like that. It seems the right thing to do after four years, but I dunno, maybe not.

Like I said I saw the seperation coming for a long time. I think the thing Im struggling with most is my posessiveness. My brain knows she is a free agent now but my heart still considers her "mine".

Anyway thanks for reading guys.
 
I hear ya man. I don't want kids either as my career and travel comes first. I'm 32 this year so it's a similar situation. not everyone has to have kids but it's a shame a very high percentage of women feel they have to or experience pressure from their family/culture to have them.

you come first man. maybe your outlook will change but until then keep doing what you are doing.
 
Love is possessive, as long as you aren't acting as if she is a possession, you're acting in a perfectly normal and healthy way.
 
Darklord said:
Sorry to hear that but it sounds like it was more than just her wanting kids in a few years...
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Not necessarily. The desire for children (or the lack thereof) can be pretty huge to a relationship. Why should someone who wants kids continue in a relationship with someone who isn't? At somepoint one of the two has to give in and if the one who wants kids doesn't see themselves as doing it, the relationship will become more of a burden than anything else. I've only had one girlfriend whom this was even an issue with (most recent) and we're both of the mindset that we'd want kids, albeit not right away.

I don't think I could personally be with a woman (for long term) who didn't want kids herself. Seems like the OP and his GF just reached that point; 4 years is a good healthy length of time to know which way things are gonna go.
 
apesh1t said:
Are you guys new to women? All women want kids around mid to late 20s, this isn't new.
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My wife was 34 and I was 36 when we had our boy. Depends entirely on where you live and where your life is. My home town had marriages and kids happening at 22. In Vancouver 33 is around the average.
 
Sorry to hear that but it sounds like it was more than just her wanting kids in a few years...
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You could be right but I didnt want to write an essay of an OP.

I found myself being less attracted to her. I never cheated or even looked at another woman, but I think she picked up on it. Women usually do. She would remark how she didnt feel attractive, how we didnt have sex as often as we used to. Id use the tired from work excuse a lot. Actually a lot of excuses. She deserved better then that on reflection.

I was left some land and we had designed a house. We were gonna build and had started to get the planning applications done. We ran into problems on the site and generally have been held up longer then we thought. That also didnt help the mood between us.

Like I said it was obvious we had no future and that she bet me to the punch by breaking it off. She said he felt for a while that she was holding me back, that if I was genuinely interested in the realtionship we would be engaged by now and the house would be further along then it is. To be brutally honest thats probably true. I have no interest in marriage. The house isnt my main priority right now (I want to see the world rather then settle down) and I dont want children. On all those main points we were on polar opposites.

A part of me is obviously relieved. But I still miss her, even as a friend because I dont think it will be possible to remain in contact with her. Too painful.
 
Hey man, if you don't want kids then you have to look out for your interests too. As long as you thought long and hard about your decision, you have nothing to worry about. She wants kids, but you are on the other side of the coin and don't want them. It's only fair to the both of you and, I think, your breakup is for the best for the both of you.
 
apesh1t said:
are you guys kids? (under 25?)
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are you?

apesh1t said:
Mines pretty good. Woke up early and watched that new Louis C. K stand up, then I went grocery shopping, did my P90x for the day (core synergetics, yeck!). Worked on a paper for school, then I went skateboarding at 2 skateparks, and drove through Boston. Got home ate a pizza and popped a huge blister inside of my mouth, feels good man.

Laying naked in bed after my shower, about to take a nap, maybe I'll play some video games tonight.
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Phat Michael said:
I hear ya man. I don't want kids either as my career and travel comes first. I'm 32 this year so it's a similar situation. not everyone has to have kids but it's a shame a very high percentage of women feel they have to or experience pressure from their family/culture to have them.
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I'd say the majority of humans want kids.
 
Kallor said:
You're either a man from the day you're born or a kid until you die.
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45822-Keanu-Bill-and-Ted-whoa-gif-49A7.gif
 
I think society and media pressures us into thinking we have to have kids and marriage in order to be "successful and happy people." If you're not actually ready for kids then you did the right thing standing your ground. There are too many couples that have kids or get married just because and it's not fair for the kids. There are already enough in the world who don't have loving parents.

Also this
Booser said:
On monday my gf of four years told me she wasnt happy and wanted to leave. She told me that I wasnt happy either and that we should split before we started resenting each other. Truth be told I was feeling the same way. Id often think about breaking up with her ...
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makes me think if you had just agreed to have kids the situation would be in a much worse place.

Hang in there!
 
My wife and I have been trying to have kids for the last 6 years. Evidently, I've wasted a lot of money on condoms. As the years go by, I look at the world and become more and more glad I haven't had them yet. I'm beginning to feel that the prospects of humanity getting its shit together are slim. Maybe I'm just telling myself that because my seed ain't doing its job. We've been married for 9 years now and she's starting to talk about adopting. I would be onboard with that if our finances weren't stretched to the breaking point as it is. Maybe if the adoption system wasn't dead-set on preventing good homes from adopting because they couldn't afford the $10,000 in expenses involved with the process, I'd be more on board. I keep hoping that she'll start thinking like me, but I doubt it. I worry that our inability to have children will cause her to see me as a mistake, though I do everything possible to prevent that. At 33, she's approaching the "do or die" years.

Y'all made the right decision. It's important that you both be on the same page about kids.
 
Breakups are never easy man.

Just try and be social, meet new people, learn a new a hobby and NEVER contact her. Everything will work out in the end.
 
Mango Positive said:
My wife and I have been trying to have kids for the last 6 years. Evidently, I've wasted a lot of money on condoms. As the years go by, I look at the world and become more and more glad I haven't had them yet. I'm beginning to feel that the prospects of humanity getting its shit together are slim. Maybe I'm just telling myself that because my seed ain't doing its job. We've been married for 9 years now and she's starting to talk about adopting. I would be onboard with that if our finances weren't stretched to the breaking point as it is. Maybe if the adoption system wasn't dead-set on preventing good homes from adopting because they couldn't afford the $10,000 in expenses involved with the process, I'd be more on board. I keep hoping that she'll start thinking like me, but I doubt it. I worry that our inability to have children will cause her to see me as a mistake, though I do everything possible to prevent that. At 33, she's approaching the "do or die" years.

Y'all made the right decision. It's important that you both be on the same page about kids.
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You've been to the fertility docs and identified your sperm as being the issue? You've looked into in vitro?
 
zoukka said:
I'd say the majority of humans want kids.
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Maybe but I believe women in general want them more than men.

when I tell people I don't want kids they look at me weirdly and insinuate that one day I will.

I don't feel the need, I don't begrudge others for wanting them but it's not the lifestyle I am choosing for myself. kids are too expensive and will require too much time for me to do a good job as a father.

if I am not going to do it well, then I don't want to do it.
 
Phat Michael said:
Maybe but I believe women in general want them more than men.

when I tell people I don't want kids they look at me weirdly and insinuate that one day I will.

I don't feel the need, I don't begrudge others for wanting them but it's not the lifestyle I am choosing for myself. kids are too expensive and will require too much time for me to do a good job as a father.

if I am not going to do it well, then I don't want to do it.
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I get this all the time, and I don't think it will change anytime soon (I'm 33). The conversation gets even better when I tell people I'm an atheist, and I don't believe in marriage.
 
when I tell people I don't want kids they look at me weirdly and insinuate that one day I will
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Im getting this right now. People are supportive but most still say "you will want them eventually". Maybe so, I keep on open mind on most things. I understand that she doesnt want to waste her prime years banking on something that may or may not happen. Maybe if it was true love you could justify sacrificing that much, but it obviously wasnt in the end.

Still doesnt make it any easier right now.
 
5 years from now, you're a dad. And she's either a mom or cursing everything from the german sports coupe to your diagonal left.
 
No offence but why is so many people on Gaf hate/don't want kids?

I've met em in real life but there's such a high percentage here
 
Hey OP distracting arguments aside I think it's understandable that you want to cut her off. I think that if you're a nice person you should explain it to her first before you do. Out of sight out of mind is one of the best things you can do after a break up. It sounds like such a simple coping mechanism but it really does help you move on.
 
FreeMufasa said:
No offence but why is so many people on Gaf hate/don't want kids?

I've met em in real life but there's such a high percentage here
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I love kids. I have wonderful nieces and nephews, saying that I don't want my own.

if I stay without kids, I'll have more free time, will be able to travel more and have a lot more disposable income.

I like having my free time. I have a stressful job and I like to relax. I don't mind getting married but at this stage, I don't want kids at all.

it's too much responsibility and I think many take the job of being parents too lightly. many of my friends are having multiple children right now and they really don't seem to enjoy their lives which are now entirely based around their kids.
 
apesh1t said:
Are you guys new to women? All women want kids around mid to late 20s, this isn't new.
Click to expand...

I'll be 30 in three months (oh god D:) and I have yet to get that "feeling". Oddly enough, a lot of women I grew up with still do not have children despite being married, and have no plans on them. Must be something in the water.

I mean in some ways a kid sounds nice (teaching them things and playing together) and in other ways they do not (everything else?), but I have never been baby crazy or absolutely desired kids within a certain period of time, if at all.
 
FreeMufasa said:
No offence but why is so many people on Gaf hate/don't want kids?

I've met em in real life but there's such a high percentage here
Click to expand...

In most cases you will hear people say "I don't want kids right now, but I'm open to the idea when the time is right." I don't like sitting on a fence to be more socially acceptable.
 
Probably for the best man, if that's how things are. Better for both of you to move on and find happy times elsewhere.

Send her the book dude. That in itself says enough.
 
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