Four year relationship ended cos I dont want kids

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Being a parent is all at once the most rewarding and annoying thing you'll ever do. Its not really something you should half ass, so if you're not into it, then the break up sounds like it was for the best.
 
lol @ all the people acting like the media forces people to want kids. Its called Biology people. Its encoded in our DNA to procreate. Sure you can opt not too but that makes you the oddball not the people who do.
 
Threads like this make be thankful to be blessed to be married to a woman who doesn't want kids as much as I do. I dont ever want to be without her, so i'd hate to be put into the "she's feeling the pressure" situation.

but i feel for you op all the same. That possesive feeling really stinks. I remember breaking up with an old long time GF and anytime I'd think about someone else even touching her just made me sick. I want to think its normal, but its only happened with that one girl which was also a "mutual breakup"
 
I am confused Booser. You seem open to the idea of kids and she didn't want a kid right then. So why did you not want kids?

I understand some people straight up never want to have kids and that is ok but most people are open to the idea of having kids when they have a (seemingly) stable life.
 
Hate to be so negative but finding girls around your age that don't want kids or already have some from previous relationships will be hard, best of luck to you OP.

Maybe move to Japan.
 
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. I'm 28 and I totally adore kids, but I never want any of my own.
 
antonz said:
lol @ all the people acting like the media forces people to want kids. Its called Biology people. Its encoded in our DNA to procreate. Sure you can opt not too but that makes you the oddball not the people who do.
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It's also encoded into male DNA to have sex with multiple women and have babies through as many of them as we can. Is every guy who has sex with only one women and has babies only through her an oddball?

Or is it maybe just socially acceptable behavior to settle down with a wife and pop out babies?

Don't confuse animal instinct with learned social behaviors.

Edit: To act like there isn't a definite social bias against people who don't want children is disingenuous. My partner and I still get odd looks and passive aggressive comments from people when we tell them we don't want children. Some people act genuinely flabbergasted, like we just told them the Earth is flat or something. They act like it's the most unnatural thing a person can do.
 
Were you both open about wanting or not wanting kids when you got together? Always have that conversation when you begin a serious relationship that can go places.

I have absolutely 0 interest in kids and never will have any interest in having any and yeah it cost me a couple of relationships in the long run but it also kept me away from getting into a long relationship only to have it broke off because my significant other wanted them and i didn't.
 
I'm afraid I'm going to be in a similar situation soon. I'm 30 and haven't even thought about kids. I do want one, but not until I'm 35 probably. My gf is 26 and probably won't wait 5 years. I'm living the young professional's dream in Arlington, VA: six-figure income, tons of travel abroad and weekend events, restaurants, and happy hours galore. We've only been dating for a year and 8 months; don't think we would let it get to 4 years before realizing it's going to break us up. I don't know. We'll see what happens.
 
People shouldn't feel surprised that women who like kids want to have kids before they turn 30. At that magical age the risk of complications and birth defects starts to rise on an exponential scale. If you're gonna have several kids, you also need to account for the fact that a pregnancy takes nearly a year. Tick tock.
 
zephervack said:
Hate to be so negative but finding girls around your age that don't want kids or already have some from previous relationships will be hard, best of luck to you OP.

Maybe move to Japan.
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I dunno man, I think the pressure for Japanese women to have babies is way higher than it is in the states. I teach 18-20 year old nursing students here in Japan and probably about 75% of them aspire to be nothing more than housewives. Not that there's anything wrong with being a housewife, just that the idea of becoming one is so ingrained into the psyche of pretty much all Japanese women.

Come to think of it in 7 years here, I've never once met a Japanese woman who said she never wants kids.
 
I mostly don't want kids because I know I won't be able to afford them.

I also don't feel like I would make a good father.

It's going to be hard to find a mate. Maybe I'll just bounce from woman to woman for my whole life, unless I land someone who doesn't want to have kids either.
 
Rash said:
I mostly don't want kids because I know I won't be able to afford them.

I also don't feel like I would make a good father.

It's going to be hard to find a mate. Maybe I'll just bounce from woman to woman for my whole life, unless I land someone who doesn't want to have kids either.
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They are out there man, don't give up hope. I met my partner at 21 and we are still together at almost 31. We were up front about our both not wanting kids from the very beginning.
 
Man this thread is kinda depressing me since my gf of 1 year pretty much wants kids as soon as she can get them (and she's 20! wtf!) and I don't even want to consider it right now. Maybe in... I don't know, like 15 years when I've achieved some success. I feel like we're probably not meant for each other but the thought of breaking up just makes me sick :(
 
PlayALLtheGames said:
I'm afraid I'm going to be in a similar situation soon. I'm 30 and haven't even thought about kids. I do want one, but not until I'm 35 probably. My gf is 26 and probably won't wait 5 years. I'm living the young professional's dream in Arlington, VA: six-figure income, tons of travel abroad and weekend events, restaurants, and happy hours galore. We've only been dating for a year and 8 months; don't think we would let it get to 4 years before realizing it's going to break us up. I don't know. We'll see what happens.
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It baffles me that people don't talk specifics about this with the gf/bf. It should take four months to see if two people are in the same page on this, not four years.
 
FreeMufasa said:
No offence but why is so many people on Gaf hate/don't want kids?

I've met em in real life but there's such a high percentage here
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Probably shouldn't conflate the ones hating kids and the ones who don't want them :P
You can love kids and not want them, and probably hate kids in general but still want to have some of your own at some point.

Imho, it's kinda like a super-needy version of a pet, and if you think it's hard enough to do "regular" things while you have a pet waiting at home - just wait until you get (or if) a kid. That's the sort of responsibility I'm not interested in, and therefore I'm not interested in having kids. It doesn't mean that I hate or dislike them, as I actually do find them funny in addition to annoying.

I always weed out people who want a kid at a preliminary stage because of this, in order to save them the time and trouble so that we don't end up in a relationship that breaks because of that one point.
 
I am confused Booser. You seem open to the idea of kids and she didn't want a kid right then. So why did you not want kids?
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Im 99% sure I'll never want kids. A guy at work told me he was in the exact same situation when he was 30. Swore he'd never have kids, then around 35-40 he just got that "feeling". I get the impression him and the missus are trying for a baby.

People change and you want different things at different times of your life. I just have no desire for kids, they dont fit into my view of what I want from life, but kudos to those that do.
 
Yeah, scorched earth policy is the only way to go when you still care that much about an ex. Staying friends would just make you feel (more) miserable, so good decision there.
 
Going 30 this year, and have no intention of just getting babies for the sake of it. I have had a few relationships, but none of them have felt 'right'. If I meet a nice girl that I fall in love with, of course I can consider children. But until then, I am free and fine.

So OP. If you don't feel ready for it. Don't go there, is my tip to you.
 
Sometimes I can't take care of myself, let alone another person. At least my own stupidity only affects me, not someone else. That's the thing that terrifies me of ever becoming a parent. :(
 
I've honestly never thought of *not* having kids. Not because of society or family pressure or anything but ever since I was going through puberty I knew when I was older I wanted kids.

I love kids. I have three younger siblings and lots of younger cousins. I work at a school/daycare where I am in charge of anywhere between 10-18 kids a day by myself. And I love every minute of every day there.

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half and we've talked about it a bunch. We both want kids and have already decided on how many. We are still in college so it is obviously going to be far down the road, but we have all but guaranteed eachother that we will have them in the future.

It really sucks for the OP and I feel for you. Someone out there is right for you. Don't give up now brah. You'll find 'em eventually.
 
IMO it's not a good decision to just have kids because someone else wants them and you just want to go with the flow. I think you made the responsible choice sticking to your guns. Until you know you actually want kids, don't have them.
 
apesh1t said:
Are you guys new to women? All women want kids around mid to late 20s, this isn't new.
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Haha, what?

It's vitally important to be on the same page about kids when you enter into a relationship, even if you're not sure how long it'll last. I dislike kids, my wife dislikes kids, we're in total accord. But as others have mentioned, it sounds to me like this may be about more than just the kids issue. Sounds like things haven't been right for a while now and you're both just beginning to act on it, which is a good thing.

Our society starts to pile on quite a bit of pressure about settling down and having kids at that point in your life, but you need to do what feels right for you, OP. Never, ever feel pressured into having kids.
 
Lissar said:
I'll be 30 in three months (oh god D:) and I have yet to get that "feeling". Oddly enough, a lot of women I grew up with still do not have children despite being married, and have no plans on them. Must be something in the water.

I mean in some ways a kid sounds nice (teaching them things and playing together) and in other ways they do not (everything else?), but I have never been baby crazy or absolutely desired kids within a certain period of time, if at all.
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I'll probably be fine just being the cool aunt that spoils everyone else's kids by taking them to the bookstore and buying them a bunch of books and comics. I can imagine you doing the same. :o
 
KieferCrimson said:
Sometimes I can't take care of myself, let alone another person. At least my own stupidity only affects me, not someone else. That's the thing that terrifies me of ever becoming a parent. :(
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nothing wrong with that. it's called being responsible. so many people have kids who neither can afford them or look after them.
 
Pau said:
I'll probably be fine just being the cool aunt that spoils everyone else's kids by taking them to the bookstore and buying them a bunch of books and comics. I can imagine you doing the same. :o
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Haha I'm that cool uncle! whenever I see my nieces and nephews I take them to a toy shop (there's 7 of them in Australia) and say "$200 each. U got one hour buy whatever you want" the kids love me Haha ;) I then read them stories and tuck them in and get my kisses and cuddles. job done!
 
My two cents:

Break off contact. You go on with your life. She goes on with hers. No staying friends nonsense - you'll regret it if you do.
 
OP, that sucks. But it ended on good mutual terms and that's huge.



FreeMufasa said:
No offence but why is so many people on Gaf hate/don't want kids?

I've met em in real life but there's such a high percentage here
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1. As a human with a vag. The pregnancy process and final stage is the grossest thing ever (more than 2girls1cup or kids in sandbox). Think about it, you have a human parasite growing and sucking your own nutrients for 9 months. I'm not entirely sure why this is not more disgusting than having a botfly on your neck....it just is, imo.

2. Maybe I was a weird kid to think about it. But if some adults really wanted to have and nurture offspring. There wouldn't be any orphans in the world. I also wondered why so many adults in wealthier countries did not simply adopt instead of procreating so much. Fast forward to present day, am still wondering the same thing though I understand the human need to pass on knowledge, property, blood etc.

3. Also as a kid, I absolutely hated seeing grownups become practically slaves to these little monsters. Now that I'm of a more level headed age though. I understand that not every kid is a monster, etc. It doesn't change my dislike of the idea of putting a stop to anything I'm passionate about, in prime years, just to tend to this new human that might not even get along with my significant other and I.

4. Baby animals are the most adorable creatures on Earth. Why not have 3 dogs that love you to no end instead?




TL;DR: YOLO. If my point of view changes in 10 years from now... aiight, whatevs.
 
Good. If there's a conflict over having kids that's not going to change, then end it. If you don't, no one will end up happy.
 
OrangeJulius said:
So you think human beings, the most advanced species on planet Earth should be nothing more than slaves to our biological urges?

Let me guess, you find homosexuality morally repugnant and unnatural also huh?
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Homosexuality is also a biological urge, so probably not.


I'm sure there's a fair percentage of Parent-GAF who can say they were also anti-kid before it happened to them. Needs more Female-GAF responses too. It's probably also a generational thing. I think society now accepts/encourages people to live a single lifestyle and concentrate on self and career first.
 
If 2 people get together and have kids in a loving environment, then great! But if only 1 wants kids and the other doesn't, then that's a problem. In the end, either the relationship will end or will continue with at least one person being unhappy. This is why I chose to marry a man who also did not want kids. We talked about this before marriage. I hope the OP finds a woman who is more compatible with him in the near future.
 
Went through a similar situation to yours. 3 year relationship that I had to end because we obviously wanted different things in life (me kids eventually, him not).

You and your ex breaking up was the right thing, and I can appreciate how hard it is for you to want to keep up contact given your feelings. My ex and I are still friends, but he did pull the snarky, super hurt (Oh, so you're you're seeing someone) even though he'd been casually dating long before I started again.

I can't really say for certain what's best. My breakup was necessary and without animosity. He was my best friend and vice-versa and we didn't want to let that friendship go, but it has been hard and equal parts weird. I'd have to lean towards the cutting off all contact route BUT(!) 1) you have to explain why to her. You can't just disappear and slice her off without any kind of word. You need to tell her that it's hard for you and that you need space/time. She deserves that at least. 2) It doesn't have to be forever. A couple of months, a year, whatever. There's no need to burn that bridge, but time does help and sometimes distance does as well.
 
apesh1t said:
Are you guys new to women? All women want kids around mid to late 20s, this isn't new.
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I'd say that many do, but there are exceptions. My wife never wanted kids, which is fantastic. I am 33, she is 32. I ended up having a vasectomy last year since we both felt so strongly about it; best decision ever.

OP, I'm sorry to hear about the breakup, but it's probably for the best. You will both meet someone with common interests in mind eventually.
 
Sounds like the relationship had run its course. It sucks, but it happens. Breaking up because you don't agree on kids is as good a reason as any to end it.

OrangeJulius said:
Let me guess, you find homosexuality morally repugnant and unnatural also huh?
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You're a moron.
 
OP, if you really don't want kids, get a vasectomy this year. That way it's done with and next time you get in a relationship there will be no 'grey area' for the woman if you may want kids down the road.


I think some women hide their baby desire early in the relationship because they don't want to scare the man away, thinking they can wear him down later on and change his mind. I've seen it myself.
 
Man these threads are always so gross. People accusing each 'side' of delusion etc. have kids, don't have kids, Who gives a fuck.

Sucks that your relationship hit this dead end op but better to kill it now than feel the pressure of having kids you really aren't psyched about. I'm sure you'd still love them etc but I'd guess you'd probably end in divorce.
 
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