shanshan310
Member
eeh, I don't think this is fair to say. All it says to me is that the relation ended because they had different paths and goals in life.
Four year relationship ended cos I dont want kids
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eeh, I don't think this is fair to say. All it says to me is that the relation ended because they had different paths and goals in life.
Winterfang
Banned
Well they don't call it a Biological clock for nothing. Sad about the years wasted.
It's a good thing your relationship ended if you really don't want kids and she really does. This could only have resulted in a disaster if you'd kept it going.
There seems to be a fair amount of people here who don't want kids out of practicality, or because it grosses them out (babies being equated with parasites and stuff), or because they think they'd be bad parents... Some of those reasons I understand, others I find hard to sympathize with, but I'm surprised at how few people here don't want kids because... They just don't want them. I feel this is where I stand. I don't know if that makes me less or more selfish than the rest, but I just don't feel like having kids. Kinda like if you don't feel like having a car because well, why would you absolutely want a car? Is there some kind of moral obligation to have a car at some point in your life, or is it just up to you? Having kids that I call my own is not something I'm planning, end of the story.
I don't hate or love kids, they can be alright, a pain or adorable, I understand the desire to have them, just as I understand that I'm at odds with biological urges, but that doesn't mean I have to have kids to be a properly functioning human being, right?
There seems to be a fair amount of people here who don't want kids out of practicality, or because it grosses them out (babies being equated with parasites and stuff), or because they think they'd be bad parents... Some of those reasons I understand, others I find hard to sympathize with, but I'm surprised at how few people here don't want kids because... They just don't want them. I feel this is where I stand. I don't know if that makes me less or more selfish than the rest, but I just don't feel like having kids. Kinda like if you don't feel like having a car because well, why would you absolutely want a car? Is there some kind of moral obligation to have a car at some point in your life, or is it just up to you? Having kids that I call my own is not something I'm planning, end of the story.
I don't hate or love kids, they can be alright, a pain or adorable, I understand the desire to have them, just as I understand that I'm at odds with biological urges, but that doesn't mean I have to have kids to be a properly functioning human being, right?
Chainsawkitten
Member
Years enjoyed are not years wasted.
The Elite
BOSS
I am 35 and know women who do not want to have kids. Not sure where you're coming from.
Winterfang
Banned
You don't, there's nothing practical about having kids. But this is ingrained deep into our core, just like the urges to have sex, so are the urges to have kids. I know that the older I'm getting, the more I want a little me.
But does that mean that if you don't want kids your whole life (which admittedly I can't know) you're malfunctioning (and possibly that you should be treated as an outcast)?
Winterfang
Banned
Malfunctioning yes, but in this day and era that doesn't really matter. Thanks to Technological advancement Child Mortality has dropped a lot unless you in certain countries.
If you don't want kids, you don't want them period. Maybe as time goes that desire will come.
Bomber Bob
Banned
man having kids at < 30 i cant even imagine
malingenie
Member
I'm dating a 40 year old who doesn't want/ never wanted kids. Luckiest guy on the block.
Dont overdo the breakup, dont burn any bridges here. There is always the chance that you'll regret the decision. If that happens, it helps a lot if the separation was smooth, so dont cut ties instantly, dont do anything that might cause further resentment. If you want to move on, then do it, but it never hurts to have everything behind you in order.
malingenie
Member
I may have been adopted in 1200 BC, my bio family slaughtered by an errant tribe. Chain broken already, I feel no guilt.
.la1n
Member
Wrong. In fact so wrong it's hurting my head. Are YOU new to women?
As for OP, you ended a relationship that did not have cohesive goals for both parties. Splitting was the appropriate thing to do.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
That should make it a lot easier for you to get over her.
Sounds like you two just weren't a good match if she had a back-up lined up and waiting.
EDIT: shit man I'm sorry
I do worry about how this will affect my own relationship down the track. We've been together six years, but are still young and while I don't want kids for at least 10 years I definitely do want them (boyfriend doesn't though). While I doubt many 21yos want kids, I don't know if its something that will change over time or not. I don't want to have to end such a great relationship over something this dumb, you know? I guess I'd give up kids to stay with him, but I think I'd be pretty sad that it's something we never did.
If I'm going to be perfectly honest, if there's one thing one have to "give up", I think giving up having kids is better than giving up "not having kids".
In the former, there are no children involved that might end up suffering, in the latter it's possible for the one reluctant to have kids to develop a resentment towards them.
Best case for you would of course be that your boyfriend change his mind in the future, without you having to apply pressure to him.
Choke on the Magic
Banned
Is it really necessary making japes at those who choose to have kids? Sounds like some underlying bitterness.
Shit hurts, don't it? Right to the pit of the stomach.
The old clichés are right. Draw a line. Move on. Time Heals. Be good to your self.
gutter_trash
Banned
OP, you're still young.
I don't know what kind of job your ex did but she was way too young at 25 to decide to have a family with children.
Heck, you are 30, have you saved up enough to set aside to start a family or buy a house?
It seemed pretty one sided from her to decide your future IMO.
She sounded bossy, give yourself 6 months off single, enjoy summer and move on to someone else who is more reasonable
I don't know what kind of job your ex did but she was way too young at 25 to decide to have a family with children.
Heck, you are 30, have you saved up enough to set aside to start a family or buy a house?
It seemed pretty one sided from her to decide your future IMO.
She sounded bossy, give yourself 6 months off single, enjoy summer and move on to someone else who is more reasonable
Had my kids (fairly) young. The last one was when I was 29 , which was later then I wanted tbh.
I want to be young and able to keep up with them as they have lots of energy and then when they are out the door I am still young enough, but that much wiser to enjoy my own shit. already making my plans
when I am about 42-45 I will be all set, even some years before they are all self sufficient to be on their own if I want to go somewhere.. I cannot stand the thought of having small children at that age..
to each his own though ..
Edit: sorry about the breakup though. That is always rough.. didn't mean to sound berating or anything..
I want to be young and able to keep up with them as they have lots of energy and then when they are out the door I am still young enough, but that much wiser to enjoy my own shit. already making my plans
when I am about 42-45 I will be all set, even some years before they are all self sufficient to be on their own if I want to go somewhere.. I cannot stand the thought of having small children at that age..
to each his own though ..
Edit: sorry about the breakup though. That is always rough.. didn't mean to sound berating or anything..
JustHadToJoin
Member
damn near every thread I enter this name is mentioned...the obsession so real
True! I can see how that would probably look like you can't let go now
Choke on the Magic
Banned
OP is her mom fat and/or unattractive? If so that's what you basically had to look forward to. Shit like this is rough I have a buddy going through almost the exact same thing. My advice is get some strange.
Sorry, OP. But it sounds like the real story is that she found New Dick, and used a convenient excuse to break up with you. Happens all the time. Many women are never truly 'single', but instead jump from relationship to relationship.
Another thing that happens all the time is women wanting babies as they get older. Some always knew they wanted kids, others warm up to the idea once they hit their mid-to-late 20s. Sure, there are some women who never want kids, but from my experience, most eventually do want kids and have 1 or 2.
Because GAF is full of people in their early 20s who get in arguments over video game consoles.
Best post in this thread.
Another thing that happens all the time is women wanting babies as they get older. Some always knew they wanted kids, others warm up to the idea once they hit their mid-to-late 20s. Sure, there are some women who never want kids, but from my experience, most eventually do want kids and have 1 or 2.
Because GAF is full of people in their early 20s who get in arguments over video game consoles.
Best post in this thread.
I was responding to someone who claimed not wanting kids makes you a manbaby, and was arguing the other side of the coin. Don't really care what it made me sound like, since I didn't take a position on the matter anyway.
CharlieDigital
Banned
The biological clock exists for a reason and it's not just an urge.
The fact is that for women more so than men, there is a peak time to bear children.
As women age, the risk of miscarriage, the risk of abnormalities, and the general risk of birth rises. It is only because we are advanced that we understand these risks and often make choices in our lives to balance the risk versus how we view our overall life plan.
The same can be said of men as well. Fertility decreases, the quality of sperm decreases, and perhaps even the risk of genetic abnormalities increases with age.
Myself? I would say that I was not ready in my career path to have a child. But I can totally understand why the body's urges. My wife went through an incredibly difficult pregnancy and I could not imagine her body going through that at age 40. She ended up with borderline gestational diabetes, having to have her gallbladder removed, and gastroesophageal reflux disease; it's incredibly hard on the human body.
That said, I'm incredibly happy that we chose to have children when we did. It's incredibly taxing and it wouldn't be easier any later in life.
Choke on the Magic
Banned
Fair enough. Not wanting kids is just as a legitimate life choice as having kids.
Having a kid is probably the best way to prevent boredom for 18+ years
I bet a lot of people who have a kid, after a lifetime of not wanting one, do it out of boredom.
That's the only scenario where I could see myself having one, anyway. Watching movies, going out to eat, drinking, traveling 2-3 weeks a year, and various hobbies can only fill so much time and may eventually get old.
I live in a heavily baby populated part of Brooklyn and whenever I see infant strapped to a dad's chest, or a toddler in an $800 stroller, or a 4 year old on one of those stupid three wheeled scooters with a parent 50 feet behind yelling for them to slow down, or a parent cheerfully explaining something to a kid on the subway, my only thought so far is "NO THANKS"
I bet a lot of people who have a kid, after a lifetime of not wanting one, do it out of boredom.
That's the only scenario where I could see myself having one, anyway. Watching movies, going out to eat, drinking, traveling 2-3 weeks a year, and various hobbies can only fill so much time and may eventually get old.
I live in a heavily baby populated part of Brooklyn and whenever I see infant strapped to a dad's chest, or a toddler in an $800 stroller, or a 4 year old on one of those stupid three wheeled scooters with a parent 50 feet behind yelling for them to slow down, or a parent cheerfully explaining something to a kid on the subway, my only thought so far is "NO THANKS"
FallingEdge
Member
cannot tell if you are serious or not.
edit: I am totally wrong and missed the post talking about his update.
My soon to be wife (32) doesn't want kids at all. I'm the one who is interested (30).
I'm sorry to hear about the break-up, OP. It sounds like it might have been for the best. I like your idea of sending a nice note and the book as well though.
I don't want kids either. Everytime I tell people that I don't, they give me the whole "you'll change your mind when you're older" as if I'm incapable of realizing what I want.
Yes, adoption is a prospect in the future but only depending on my financial security and living situation, otherwise no kids from me. Plus the idea of having something grow in me and destroy my body is horrifying.
Yes, adoption is a prospect in the future but only depending on my financial security and living situation, otherwise no kids from me. Plus the idea of having something grow in me and destroy my body is horrifying.
Know that feeling, OP. My ex girlfriend whom I dated for 6 years is getting married, and I just can't stand it, even if I am completely aware of the irrationality of my thoughts. If you want some advice, try to cut all contact with her if you can. Let her be happy and rebuild her love life, but far away from you so she doesn't cause you pain in the process.
The Abominable Snowman
Member
Surrogacy? Find someone in your family willing to carry the child for you.
I don't like surgery so that wouldn't work and I don't have anyone in my family that could do it. Another problem I have is the emotional and physical drain raising a kid is. Adoption would be better for me since I would adopt a child a bit older.
My dogs are my kids anyway. lol
Well I think his point is that enough want kids that you definitely shouldn't be surprised when a woman breaks up with you cuz you don't.
TheFightingFish
Member
While not everyone is ready at that age there's nothing wrong with making some of these choices at 25. My wife and I both wanted kids and she knew that there was some history of pregnancy related health issues in her family tree, so we had kids by 25 and we'd made that choice by 22 or so.
Please note that I'm clearly not saying that this (or even kids in general) is for everyone. But if you are in a relationship and both of you are interested in having kids I'd offer up a bit of encouragement to consider starting that earlier than society seems to tell most couples. I think a lot of couples are unaware of how quickly pregnancies turn into higher risk pregnancies as you pass over and start to move up into your 30s.
But to the OP, it really sounds hard, but at the same time having a mismatch between spouses where one really wants kids and one really does not can be a really tough situation. Kids / No Kids is such a massive part of how life happens for 18-25 years of your life that it's really hard for a couple to not be on the same page on the issue.
The Faceless Master
Member
definitely not all. in fact a few women i know went in reverse... early 20's they were like "yeah i would love 5 kids", mid 20's "2 is good" and then late 20's "i don't want kids", but yeah, most are the opposite.
tornjaw
Member
My wife was the one that scheduled my vasectomy.
In before pussy whipped. I was already planning on getting it done.
Fenderputty
Banned
IMO, the relationship shouldnt have lasted longer than 3 months if you knew she wanted kids while you didn't. You wasted 4 years of your life and hers.
She broke up with you because she's 25. She needs time to find someone so she can have kids in a couple years. She can't afford to wait around while you make up your mind only to be 30 and in the same position she is now.
She's also correct that your relationship would end in someone resenting the other. Either you would resent her for making you have kids, or she would resent you for denying her that life goal.
People seem to get into relationships purely based on emotion. I'm not saying this is what you did here, but long term relationships need much more than just love. People need to see eye to eye on other issues including finances and children.
My idiot cousin was torn up over a girl recently. I asked him if he saw this woman as an eventual mother. He said "FUCK NO". I was curious why he would get himself so involved emotionally with a woman who would be a terrible mother knowing he wants children himself.
At least you guys are doing the right thing though. Both of you should be able to move on and accomplish what you want in life without resentment.
She broke up with you because she's 25. She needs time to find someone so she can have kids in a couple years. She can't afford to wait around while you make up your mind only to be 30 and in the same position she is now.
She's also correct that your relationship would end in someone resenting the other. Either you would resent her for making you have kids, or she would resent you for denying her that life goal.
People seem to get into relationships purely based on emotion. I'm not saying this is what you did here, but long term relationships need much more than just love. People need to see eye to eye on other issues including finances and children.
My idiot cousin was torn up over a girl recently. I asked him if he saw this woman as an eventual mother. He said "FUCK NO". I was curious why he would get himself so involved emotionally with a woman who would be a terrible mother knowing he wants children himself.
At least you guys are doing the right thing though. Both of you should be able to move on and accomplish what you want in life without resentment.
Fragamemnon
Member
If you really don't want kids this is the way to go. I did this when I was 24 because I knew I didn't want kids ever.
Your future relationships get a whole lot easier when you don't have to dread dealing and answering the kid issue, and even better when the woman knows that you don't want them. You can thus resolve a usually intractable problem (an incompatibility in the desire to have children) in one or two months into the relationship.
Hari Seldon
Member
The only downside to having a kid so far, in my 2 years of experience, is the lack of sleeping in on weekends. And the money of course, but I make solid money so no big deal.
The upside is that you get a little buddy to do stuff with and you can corrupt them with your own interests. At least eventually. The first year is kind of boring as they just poop and eat and sleep.
pr0cs
Member
best to be sure about having kids and the person you're with.
I was married for 12 years and it was okay for the first 5 but when we had kids it changed everything and made all the shit we fought about before 10x worse.
Children have the potential to be catalysts to totally change your relationship with your significant other and should not be taken lightly. They're not pets, not dogs, not some object you can put into the closet when it's inconvenient so if you're both not on the same page about kids as much as it might hurt it's probably best to back away.
that being said, even though children were part of the reason why my marriage failed I wouldn't trade my kids for anything (including a marriage that didn't fail). They bring out the best in me and make me try and be a better person. They give me a reason to be less selfish and introverted. Having kids is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life (I'm 40 so I've seen and struggled through a lot of stuff) but it's also the most rewarding.
I was married for 12 years and it was okay for the first 5 but when we had kids it changed everything and made all the shit we fought about before 10x worse.
Children have the potential to be catalysts to totally change your relationship with your significant other and should not be taken lightly. They're not pets, not dogs, not some object you can put into the closet when it's inconvenient so if you're both not on the same page about kids as much as it might hurt it's probably best to back away.
that being said, even though children were part of the reason why my marriage failed I wouldn't trade my kids for anything (including a marriage that didn't fail). They bring out the best in me and make me try and be a better person. They give me a reason to be less selfish and introverted. Having kids is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life (I'm 40 so I've seen and struggled through a lot of stuff) but it's also the most rewarding.
OP I'm you get than you but the best advice I can come up with is to send her the book and tell her what you said about the wonderful 4 years but do not cut off ties completely. Just don't talk to her but reply if she starts a conversation. There's always a chance that you or her might change your mind. And if not so be it, but don't think of these 4 years as a waste.
Think of this as a new start, you'll definitely ache for the next couple of months but try to keep yourself out of the house and doing things to keep you occupied.
Think of this as a new start, you'll definitely ache for the next couple of months but try to keep yourself out of the house and doing things to keep you occupied.
If you're afraid of ending up alone when you're old, then you'll end up wanting kids at some point. That said, it doesn't look like that's the only reason this relationship ended, seemed more like an excuse on her part TBH.
Yup, that's what I was afraid of :/ That's pretty awful of her to drag you along for however long it's been since "a while ago". I'm sorry
On the plus side, you get to enjoy all the good things about being single and are no longer in a dead-end relationship!
I'll let you know - but I haven't seen many examples to the contrary. People want what they want and they will take it, and it won't cost them anything but you? Everything. So take what you fucking want and leave this hag in the dust. Put on a song and dance, a smile, whatever you have to do, but don't ever forget that she doesn't care for you at all.
FYI I wanted kids when I was 20 and haven't changed my mind almost 7 years later. Some people want them, some don't, some renege. It's variable. There was no way around the breakup so you made the best possible decision you could (granted she made it callously for you but same result). Unfortunately even the best scenarios can be very painful.
Good luck.
Yes. MORE than the adults.
Capital_Five
Member
Really sorry to hear this OP. I had pretty much this exact scenario play out with me and my ex and first love a couple years back. Complete separation: no number, no facebook, no friends of hers. That's the only way to play it. My relationship wasn't as long as yours but do know that time heals if you let it. Honestly, the possessive thing goes away but is definitely the hardest part. Best way to deal with it is the rebound, vastly improved my mood during some dark days.
Dr_Boris_Goltz
Banned
I don't want kids either and I'm finding it a major bottleneck in terms of establishing a relationship.
Edit: I just read the update... I'm almost positive my ex is going to do the same exact thing.
Edit: I just read the update... I'm almost positive my ex is going to do the same exact thing.
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