I was asked to repost this "maybe with fewer words?", so here goes:
The Relationship Fallacy is the idea that
we would be completely fixed if we could just form the one perfect relationship. It’s often expressed in terms of the desire for romantic relationships, but close friendships also come up (as do friendships that people wish they could turn into romantic relationships).
What makes the relationship fallacy so hard to shake is that, basically,
it’s kind of true - for many of us, relationships are among the most important, fulfilling, affirming, mood-boosting parts of our lives. The problem comes about when 1) we fail to acknowledge how difficult even the best relationships invariably are at times, and 2)
we start thinking that all meaning, validation, and sense of worth, or even our sense of self, will only come from other people.
We overestimate the ability of other people to change how we feel about ourselves. We want to be told we're pretty, but when we are told that, we never believe it. Then again, there are folks who do derive a lot of meaning and validation from intense relationships. The problem here is that, when these relationships end, or fail to provide everything we need, the consequences are catastrophic. It’s dangerous in general to let another person have complete control over our feelings. I’m shocked by the number of people from the community who are pining over really awful sounding exes, or who are upset about losing friends who were, when it comes right down to it, emotionally abusive.
Disagreements, fights, and misunderstandings inevitably arise in even the healthiest relationships. We tend to imagine Hollywood, happily-ever-after-style scenarios, not the messier (but potentially more satisfying) human interactions we’ll actually get. If you’re pining away for a magical relationship that will cure your mental health issues, you’re going to be let down, and probably fuck up, any real relationships you do form.
It all reminds me a lot of the idea of being “friendzoned.” The issue here is that when we are looking for the supreme relationship that will save us, then every relationship
must be that thing. It’s not enough to have a close female friend,
we have to go out. People who are trapped in the relationship fallacy end up doing this fucked up thing where they feel that they are somehow owed something from any relationships they do form. Without meaning to, they end up demanding that people regard them in a certain way (again, often involving romantic feelings), which is just incredibly toxic.
