I just found out my wife's been cheating on me

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kitsuneyo

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Today me and my wife got back from a month-long trip to her home country. We had a good time, although things haven't been the way they used to be for a while.

We've been married nearly 4 years and don't have kids.

It was a long trip home and I'm really tired. About 10pm I go upstairs to our room to get something out of the drawer that's in the base of our bed, n her side. I notice something under the drawer. I've been suspicious for a while - I even asked if her something was going on just before we went away - so I take it out and look at it.

It's a little packet of some pretty good drawings, and a card with a long inscription inside. It's from this guy that she's friends with. The message talks about how much he loves her. How he's looking forward to the new year, and the new life they're going to start together.

I go straight downstairs and confront her. She admits it. She offers to leave. I say I'd rather talk about it. We talk for about 4 hours (it's 3am here now). All the stuff that's been bad between us... I don't want to go into details, but we've been more like friends lately.

She's downstairs now sleeping on the sofa. I'm in bed alone for the first time in years and it's fucking horrible.

I know this post reads pretty measured, but I've already cried a lot tonight. I'm posting here because with the jet lag and everything that's happened, I can't sleep. And it's too late at night to phone someone.

I'm confused. I'm not the perfect husband, but I'm by no means a bad one either. I love her more than anything, but the way things have been going I knew we were headed to a crossroads. She made herself really easy to catch, and I wonder if she saw this as a way out.

It's only been going on for a couple of months, and she says she hasn't slept with him. I actually believe her, but my overall trust in her is gone already. I'm not gonna be able to forgive her, and it's basically over.

Now I just feel really shitty and lost.

Would love to get some thoughts from other GAFers who've been through this. Where do you go from here?

EDIT - mainly asking about moving on with my life, already 99% accepted it's over.
 
Fuck man...
I'm sorry. I'm not married but and I can only imagine your pain. My 6 year relationship is Pretty rocky right now so I'm not in a position to give advice.
I hope it gets better.
 
kitsuneyo said:
Today me and my wife got back from a month-long trip to her home country. We had a good time, although things haven't been the way they used to be for a while.

We've been married nearly 4 years and don't have kids.

It was a long trip home and I'm really tired. About 10pm I go upstairs to our room to get something out of the drawer that's in the base of our bed, n her side. I notice something under the drawer. I've been suspicious for a while - I even asked if her something was going on just before we went away - so I take it out and look at it.

It's a little packet of some pretty good drawings, and a card with a long inscription inside. It's from this guy that she's friends with. The message talks about how much he loves her. How he's looking forward to the new year, and the new life they're going to start together.

I go straight downstairs and confront her. She admits it. She offers to leave. I say I'd rather talk about it. We talk for about 4 hours (it's 3am here now). All the stuff that's been bad between us... I don't want to go into details, but we've been more like friends lately.

She's downstairs now sleeping on the sofa. I'm in bed alone for the first time in years and it's fucking horrible.

I know this post reads pretty measured, but I've already cried a lot tonight. I'm posting here because with the jet lag and everything that's happened, I can't sleep. And it's too late at night to phone someone.

I'm confused. I'm not the perfect husband, but I'm by no means a bad one either. I love her more than anything, but the way things have been going I knew we were headed to a crossroads. She made herself really easy to catch, and I wonder if she saw this as a way out.

It's only been going on for a couple of months, and she says she hasn't slept with him. I actually believe her, but my overall trust in her is gone already. I'm not gonna be able to forgive her, and it's basically over.

Now I just feel really shitty and lost.

Would love to get some thoughts from other GAFers who've been through this. Where do you go from here?
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear that. One the positive side, you don't have kids.

Hang in there man.
 
It depends on what you desire from the relationship. If you feel her actions have shattered the chain of trust, based on what you know of the time you have had with her, does she seem like someone who would try to repair it?

Nobody is a perfect stone, but the dangerous rope here is to get if what she did was of poor circumstance or judgment, or if she's really waning with her relation to you. Only you and your raw experience with her can get a genuine grasp of what may happen in the future if you try to stick it with her.

My personal opinion is that is one breaks the chain of trust, the chain is gone unless how it was broken was an extreme case. The fact she has made plans sort of gives an inkling that this was not under extreme cases, but something she has some desire of doing. If that is so, drop her like a fucking anchor.
 
kitsuneyo said:
She's been dating him behind my back, they've kissed, they've made plans together... that's cheating. Actually to me that's worse than just fucking someone once for the fun of it. (She hasn't done that)
Click to expand...

I agree with this, just was looking for clarification of the situation.
 
Sorry to hear this, and they have fucked...many times. To believe they haven't had sex is beyond naïveté

And 4 year marriage with no kids yet doesn't help her staying committed. Run, you're free
 
That sucks man. And yea, if you don't trust her anymore the relationship is over. Nothing worse than being with someone you don't trust.

And I find it hard to believe they havent had sex
 
Sounds like you both fell out of it. Well, good thing is that you don't have any kids. The bad news is, is that its going to suck for a while. I'd suggest focusing on self improvement, and make sure you take care of your mental happiness.

Its going to suck for a long time. But, when you think you're ready.. you'll get back into dating, or whatever makes you completely happy. 4 years is a long time, but its over now and thats done. Theres nothing you can do about it besides move on.

Its really about to suck. But it needs to suck, so that you realize what you no longer want to put up with in life. You say you already suspected things, that is no way to live with someone, and you will realize that when you find peace. It doesn't mean you need to be with someone, it just means what makes you happy without any negativity associated with this relationship.

You dodged a bullet of a bad, horrible, continuation of all of this. It would only get worse and worse, until it explodes. Which isn't good for anyone.
 
fact that she offered to leave rather than try to make it up to you says it all. my condolences man. take your time to grieve and then do your best to move on.
 
kitsuneyo said:
She's been dating him behind my back, they've kissed, they've made plans together... that's cheating. Actually to me that's worse than just fucking someone once for the fun of it. (She hasn't done that)



And yeah, there's that
Click to expand...

True, but be thankful it's not both (an emotional connection AND fucking). Unless of course she's lying.

What you need to do right now is confirm with her what she wants. If she's set on starting a new life with this other guy then ditch her. It'll hurt like hell and you'll be consumed by anger at the pair of them for some time. But there's no point trying to force her to stay around if she doesn't want to.
 
Doesnt say much about her character that she cheated on you for months, was too scared to tell you, and likely left hints so you could discover it and confront her. I could be wrong, but that seems to be the case, and if so, that is really fucking selfish and cowardly
 
kitsuneyo said:
Today me and my wife got back from a month-long trip to her home country. We had a good time, although things haven't been the way they used to be for a while.

We've been married nearly 4 years and don't have kids.

It was a long trip home and I'm really tired. About 10pm I go upstairs to our room to get something out of the drawer that's in the base of our bed, n her side. I notice something under the drawer. I've been suspicious for a while - I even asked if her something was going on just before we went away - so I take it out and look at it.

It's a little packet of some pretty good drawings, and a card with a long inscription inside. It's from this guy that she's friends with. The message talks about how much he loves her. How he's looking forward to the new year, and the new life they're going to start together.

I go straight downstairs and confront her. She admits it. She offers to leave. I say I'd rather talk about it. We talk for about 4 hours (it's 3am here now). All the stuff that's been bad between us... I don't want to go into details, but we've been more like friends lately.

She's downstairs now sleeping on the sofa. I'm in bed alone for the first time in years and it's fucking horrible.

I know this post reads pretty measured, but I've already cried a lot tonight. I'm posting here because with the jet lag and everything that's happened, I can't sleep. And it's too late at night to phone someone.

I'm confused. I'm not the perfect husband, but I'm by no means a bad one either. I love her more than anything, but the way things have been going I knew we were headed to a crossroads. She made herself really easy to catch, and I wonder if she saw this as a way out.

It's only been going on for a couple of months, and she says she hasn't slept with him. I actually believe her, but my overall trust in her is gone already. I'm not gonna be able to forgive her, and it's basically over.

Now I just feel really shitty and lost.

Would love to get some thoughts from other GAFers who've been through this. Where do you go from here?
Click to expand...

Women usually don't offer to leave if they have interest in their marriage. Did she tell you WHY she felt the need to cheat?
 
shadyspace said:
Then forget the cheating, this is why you should leave.
Click to expand...

Yep, I really can't imagine any relationship with that issue working out. It's just too fundamental of a judgment. If you really want kids, I think it's best that this all happened because you would regret it for a long time if didn't give yourself that chance.
 
blame space said:
what are the drawings of
Click to expand...

It's graffiti stuff, but obviously done for her.

We used to do that kind of thing for each other all the time :/

I don't even give a shit about the dude, well not much, I'm mad at her for fucking me about. Never been cheated on before and it's really a horrible feeling
 
kitsuneyo said:
She doesn't want kids, I do. One of our biggest issues.
Click to expand...

4 years if marriage and the wife doesn't want kids? That's a red flag if there ever was one. Get out now, you caught her cheating, divorce will be in your favor.

It's going to hurt but it seems like you've suffered enough
 
Divorce her.

No amount of "talk" or "soul searching" will save your marriage right now, OP. I apologize if this sound blunt, but once that trust is broken, nothing will ever be the same anymore, no matter how much you want it to be or how much you pretend otherwise.

The faster you deal with it, the better the chance for you to move on and find someone else who you can be real happy with instead of just staying stubbornly in a relationship embedded with falsehoods.
 
Damn, sorry to hear that man. Sometimes things are just not going to work, and it is time to move on.

shadyspace said:
How has she been cheating on you if she supposedly didn't fuck this dude
Click to expand...

Emotional betrayal is a much bigger deal. I could get over somebody fucking around, I couldn't get over somebody loving somebody else behind my back.
 
kitsuneyo said:
Today me and my wife got back from a month-long trip to her home country. We had a good time, although things haven't been the way they used to be for a while.

We've been married nearly 4 years and don't have kids.

It was a long trip home and I'm really tired. About 10pm I go upstairs to our room to get something out of the drawer that's in the base of our bed, n her side. I notice something under the drawer. I've been suspicious for a while - I even asked if her something was going on just before we went away - so I take it out and look at it.

It's a little packet of some pretty good drawings, and a card with a long inscription inside. It's from this guy that she's friends with. The message talks about how much he loves her. How he's looking forward to the new year, and the new life they're going to start together.

I go straight downstairs and confront her. She admits it. She offers to leave. I say I'd rather talk about it. We talk for about 4 hours (it's 3am here now). All the stuff that's been bad between us... I don't want to go into details, but we've been more like friends lately.

She's downstairs now sleeping on the sofa. I'm in bed alone for the first time in years and it's fucking horrible.

I know this post reads pretty measured, but I've already cried a lot tonight. I'm posting here because with the jet lag and everything that's happened, I can't sleep. And it's too late at night to phone someone.

I'm confused. I'm not the perfect husband, but I'm by no means a bad one either. I love her more than anything, but the way things have been going I knew we were headed to a crossroads. She made herself really easy to catch, and I wonder if she saw this as a way out.

It's only been going on for a couple of months, and she says she hasn't slept with him. I actually believe her, but my overall trust in her is gone already. I'm not gonna be able to forgive her, and it's basically over.

Now I just feel really shitty and lost.

Would love to get some thoughts from other GAFers who've been through this. Where do you go from here?
Click to expand...

this is quite a delicate situation. mull over it. think hard about the past present and potential future and make your decision.
 
kitsuneyo said:
She made herself really easy to catch, and I wonder if she saw this as a way out.
Click to expand...

You nailed it right there.

Considering how easy it was to find the incriminating evidence, plus the fact that she's led you to suspect something beforehand makes it pretty clear that she wanted this out in the open -- likely from the emotional stress of juggling two relationships, wanting him over you, and fretting over how to get it on the table.

Seems to me that she's already taking the ball and running with it, based on her choosing to sleep on the couch. She's creating distance, which pretty much means that it is, in fact, over in her mind. Probably not music to your ears, but at least you have a good handle on the situation. Most victims of infidelity aren't as fortunate.

Weather the storm, and you'll be fine.
 
wait so it sounds to me like you guys have become less of a couple and more like friends

did you even talk about this with her before?

still though, thats pretty fucked up of her to do, how selfish

let me tell you how this is gonna go:

she's gonna leave for a while and be with the new guy for some time

she'll realize he isn't all that and then come crying back to you
 
Get separated as quickly as you can. No point dwelling on someone who wants to leave. Make it a clean break and move on. Plenty of fishes in the ocean. You will find someone else to love again.
 
Dmax3901 said:
What you need to do right now is confirm with her what she wants. If she's set on starting a new life with this other guy then ditch her. It'll hurt like hell and you'll be consumed by anger at the pair of them for some time. But there's no point trying to force her to stay around if she doesn't want to.
Click to expand...

Agree... well I just wanna know where she wants to go. Because it's over for me, I won't be forcing her to stay.

Reznor said:
You nailed it right there.

Considering how easy it was to find the incriminating evidence, plus the fact that she's led you to suspect something beforehand makes it pretty clear that she wanted this out in the open -- likely from the emotional stress of juggling two relationships, wanting him over you, and fretting over how to get it on the table.

Seems to me that she's already taking the ball and running with it, based on her choosing to sleep on the couch. She's creating distance, which pretty much means that it is, in fact, over in her mind. Probably not music to your ears, but at least you have a good handle on the situation. Most victims of infidelity aren't as fortunate.

Weather the storm, and you'll be fine.
Click to expand...

Thanks. I thought of it this way as well, but I find it pretty impossible to think she really sees a future with this guy over me. From what I know about him, he's got nothing on me. Could just be my ego of course ;)
 
From the limited information, i'm assuming that this was a case of her not knowing how to break it off, but still needing an outlet, and the OP being the hopeful one.

Well i hope the best for you two. It's 3am here too OP, we should get some damn sleep.
 
Sorry to hear that. Gotta do what you gotta do I guess, bro, and be firm. Personally I wouldn't have confronted her immediately, it may have made more sense to get more information, or wait and see how far she'd take things.
 
kitsuneyo said:
She doesn't want kids, I do. One of our biggest issues.
Click to expand...

This is something you should have discussed prior to marriage - and should have been your first clue. I have NEVER... EVVVVVER seen a relationship work out when 2 people are at opposites when it comes to kids after they've been married. Some people have a change of heart, but those who vehemently don't want children (especially women) are too career driven or self-absorbed.

It's time to get a divorce and move on.
 
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