ALRIGHT ALRIGHT OKAY LET'S GO
YOU FOLKS NOW HOW THIS IS THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR, EH. DON'T BE TELLIN' BABY JESUS THIS, IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET. ANYHOW, IT'S THE PLAYOFFS! YOU GOT A GOOD NUMBER OF CANADIAN TEAMS IN, AN' YOU GOT A GOOD CANADIAN TEAM WINNIN' THE DRAFT LOTTERY TO DRAFT A GOOD ONTARIO KID, EH. AN' BOY, IS HE A GOOD CANADIAN KID.
FIRST OFF, I'M LOOKIN' THROUGH ALL THIS INTERNETS AN' I'M SEEIN' A LOTTA BITTERNESS BETWEEN THE FLAMES AN' CANUCKS, EH. I LOVE IT. THIS IS HOW IT'S GOTTA BE, EH. BUT YOU KNOW, I'M SEEIN' A LOTTA NAME-CALLIN' 'BOUT CALGARY CITIZENS BEIN' REDNECKS AN' WHATNOT - LET ME TALK 'BOUT THAT, EH.
NOW, FOLKS, IT AIN'T THE PEOPLE OF CALGARY'S FAULT THEY LOVE THEIR FARM ANIMALS, EH. AN' IT AIN'T THEIR FAULT THAT THEY DO THINGS THE RIGHT WAY, EH. LEMME TELL YOU FOLKS, THERE AIN'T NO OTHER WAY TO FARM AN' RIDE HORSES AN' STAMPEDE AN' COWPOKE THAN THE RIGHT WAY, EH. THOSE FOLKS PROBABLY AIN'T ALL RACIST, EH. YOU GOT A FEW BAD APPLES, BUT NOTHIN' LIKE A FEW HOURS FARMIN' TO STRAIGHTEN SOMEONE OUT, EH!
FOLKS, I KNOW YOU'RE ALL SHOCKED THAT THE EDMONTON OILERS WON THE DRAFT LOTTERY AGAIN, EH. THAT'S FOUR FIRST OVERALL PICKS IN THE PAST FEW YEARS. LEMME TALK 'BOUT THAT A LITTLE.
I'VE BEEN SAYIN' FOR YEARS THAT THE OILERS ARE GONNA BE A TEAM TO WATCH IN THE FUTURE, EH. AN' I'M STILL TECHNICALLY RIGHT, SINCE WE'RE ALL WATCHIN' 'EM DRAFT FIRST OVERALL AGAIN. I TELL YOU FOLKS, CONNOR MCDAVID'S GONNA BE THE PLAYER TO REALLY TURN 'EM 'ROUND EH. I MEAN, I SAID SOMETHIN' SIMILAR TO WHEN TAYLOR HALL AN' RYAN NUGGET-HOPSCOTCH WERE DRAFTED, BUT I REALLY THINK THIS IS GONNA BE IT, EH. THEN THEY CAN FINALLY GET RID OF NAIL YAKITYAK. I BET YOU FOLKS IT'S NAIL THAT'S RUININ' THE FRANCHISE, EH. WHY ARE YOU ALL BLAMIN' MCTAVISH OR LOWE WHEN YOU GOT A COMMIE IN THE FRANCHISE THAT HOTDOGS AN' WEARS A VISOR LIKE TOMAS HERT-A-WHIRL, EH.
FOLKS, CONNOR MCDAVID'S GONNA SAVE THIS FRANCHISE. HE'S A GOOD ONTARIO KID WHO IS A FAN OF THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS, EH, EVEN THOUGH THEY DON'T DRAFT GOOD ONTARIO KIDS LIKE HIM. AN' PROBABLY THE BEST REASON: HE AIN'T A COMMUNIST LIKE NAIL, EH. HE'S A GENERATIONAL TALENT, AN' I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT CRAIG MCTAVISH AN' THE OILERS DO WITH HIM. FOLKS, I BET YOU CONNOR'S GONNA BE THE ONE. THE OILERS SHOULD BE THANKIN' THE MAPLE LEAFS FOR INSTILLIN' GOOD ONTARIO VALUES TO CONNOR, EH.
NOW, LET ME TELL YOU KIDS A STORY: I WAS IN THE BATHROOM WASHIN' MY HANDS, WHEN I SAW THAT COMMIE NAIL YAKITYAK IN A BATHROOM STALL PRAYIN' TO OL' STALIN WITH HIS COMMUNIST MANIFESTO, EH. I SAW THIS 'CAUSE NAIL LEFT THE STALL DOOR OPEN, LIKE THEY TELL YOU IN THE COMMUNIST MANIFESTO, EH. ANYHOW, HE'S IN THERE PRAYIN' FOR BETTER VISORS AN' MORE WAYS TO HOTDOG, AN' BOY I WAS GETTIN' REAL STEAMED. ALL OF A SUDDEN, GOOD ONTARIO KID CONNOR MCDAVID RAN INSIDE THE OTHER STALL, LEFT THE DOOR OPEN (THAT'S WHAT GOOD CANADIAN KIDS DO) AN' STARTED SINGIN' THE CANADIAN ANTHEM. YAKITYAK GOT REAL EMBARRASSED AN' RAN OUT WITHOUT WASHIN' HIS HANDS. HE ENDED UP RUNNIN' BACK TO STALIN AN' NOT BEIN' ABLE TO HOTDOG PROPERLY. ANYHOW,
I WAS REAL PROUD OF CONNOR, EH. HE REMINDED ME OF BOBBY ORR. GOD LOVE 'EM.