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45 U.S presidents enter the arena ... one leaves alive. Welcome to the Thunderdome

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L

Lifeline

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The GOAT wins obviously.
 
G

Gabriel_Logan

Member
Lois_Lane said:
George Washington's English != Barack Obama's English.
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Here's a letter written by George Washington.

Phila. June 23d 1775.

My dearest,

As I am within a few Minutes of leaving this City, I could not think of departing from it without dropping you a line; especially as I do not know whether it may be in my power to write again till I get to the Camp at Boston—I go fully trusting in that Providence, which has been more bountiful to me than I deserve, & in full confidence of a happy meeting with you sometime in the Fall—I have not time to add more, as I am surrounded with Company to take leave of me—I retain an unalterable affection for you, which neither time or distance can change, my best love to Jack & Nelly, & regard for the rest of the Family concludes me with the utmost truth & sincerity.

Your entire,

Go: Washington
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E

Epsilon-delta

Banned
Beartruck said:
Lincoln was a great wrestler, but Theodore had a black belt in Judo, so hand to hand they're on relatively even footing. Ultimately though, Theodore survived a bullet and Lincoln didn't. I say Teddy.
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No is going to survive a point blank shot at the back of the head.

Can't hold that against Lincoln.
 
F

flkraven

Member
Andrew Jackson is fucking crazy. He takes it no problem. He has experience killing people for seemingly no reason, so he wouldn't hesitate.
 
L

Loxley

Member
Teddy literally got shot in the middle of a speech, finished the speech, and then went to have the wound tended to.

JOMao4i.jpg


Dude was a stone-cold badass.
 
C

CrazyDude

Member
King Tubby said:
Lincoln was a big motherfucker.
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Yup, Autopsy doctors commented how muscular his body was.

Also this from "Team of Rivals"

Derisively called "rail splitter" because he split railroad ties [for fences] as a youth, Lincoln was uncommonly strong ... [Once, a]s the presidential party lounged on the deck, Lincoln playfully demonstrated that in "muscular power he was one in a thousand," possessing "the strength of a giant." He picked up an ax and "held it at arm's length at the extremity of the [handle] with his thumb and forefinger, continuing to hold it there for a number of minutes. The most powerful sailors on board tried in vain to imitate him."
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When a small gambler tricked Bill Greene, Lincoln's helper at the store, Lincoln told Bill to bet him the best fur hat in the store that he [Lincoln] could lift a barrel of whisky from the floor and hold it while he took a drink from the bunghole. (1926, Carl Sandburg's "Abraham Lincoln" (1926)
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The match has been the subject of numerous and very different versions. Daniel Green Burner remembered: ”I suppose you have heard of Lincoln's wrestling match with Jack Armstrong. I saw part of that. Armstrong was one of the Clary Grove gang and it was their habit to initiate newcomers into town. Lincoln was tall, ungainly, awkward, and was bantered by this crowd. These fellows would come into New Salem, get drunk, and would handle a novice roughly. Lincoln finally wagered Armstrong $10 that he could find a man who could throw him. The challenge was accepted and the next Saturday was set for the time. When the Armstrong gang arrived Lincoln told them that his man had not yet come. They waited around and became impatient and finally Armstrong demanded of Lincoln the $10. Lincoln replied:‘Look here, Jack, my man isn't here yet, but rather than lose that $10 I will wrestle with you myself .'
”They went at it, and Lincoln just fooled with Armstrong until he had tired him completely out. Then he swung his long leg over Armstrong's neck and made Armstrong run around holding him up in that position. Jack finally begged off, admitting he was beaten and offered Lincoln the $10, which Lincoln refused to take. The two were ever afterward warm friends. I saw all the last part of this match, and it was highly amusing. The story about Lincoln rubbing smartweed in his face is untrue."6
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An expert foot race from Wolf was distanced in the race. After a few minutes rest a Little Grove man stripped for the wrestle. ‘What holds do you prefer?' ‘Suit yourself,' said Abe. ‘Catch-as-catch-can,' said the man from the Grove. They stood about twenty feet apart and went at each other like two rams. Abe's opponent was a short, heavy set fellow and came with his head down expecting to butt Abe and upset him, but Abe was not built that way. He stepped aside and caught the fellow by the nap of the neck, threw him heels over head and gave him a fall hard enough to break every bone in his body. This woke the boys up and they retired again to consult. Abe was now getting mad. ‘Bring in your man from Sand Ridge,' said he, ‘I can do him up in three shakes of a sheep's tail, and I can whip the whole pack of you if you give me ten minutes between fights.' The committee now came forward and gave him the right hand of fellowship and said, ‘You have sand in your craw and we will take you into our crowd as you are worthy to associate with us.' From that time on Abe was king among them. His word was law. He was their judge in horse and foot races and all of them would have fought for him if Abe had shown the ‘white feather.'"8
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http://www.abrahamlincolnsclassroom.org/abraham-lincoln-in-depth/abraham-lincoln-the-athlete/
 
A

ahoyhoy

Unconfirmed Member
Felix Lighter said:
Teddy Roosevelt last man standing.
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Dude was a bare knuckle boxer but he has two weaknesses

1) he had recurring bouts of asthma that might flare up in a fight
2) he was very honorable and might not be willing to fight dirty.

Jackson seems like a dirty fighter, though he might have been too old when he was president to really be competitive.

Dark Horse is Adams. Dude would probably stubbornly wail on your shins until you give up.
 
E

Erevador

Member
Beartruck said:
Lincoln was a great wrestler, but Theodore had a black belt in Judo, so hand to hand they're on relatively even footing. Ultimately though, Theodore survived a bullet and Lincoln didn't. I say Teddy.
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Roosevelt was shot in the midst of delivering a speech, and insisted on FINISHING the rest of the speech before seeking medical attention. He was a crack shot and skilled at Judo, wrestling, and boxing.

I see the general George Washington as his biggest competition. Washington had the battlefield experience to know how to perform under pressure. Ulysses S. Grant might do alright as well.

Kennedy, despite looking like a movie-star, would have gone down quickly because he had chronic health problems that made life extremely painful and difficult for him by the time he was president.
 
L

LeroyPantwether

Member
Mutanthands said:
Andrew Jackson walks out alive. Meanest SOB of the 45. Vicious guerrilla fighter. Would kill you over the least perceived slight. A true bastard.
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This is the obvious answer. Didn't he supposedly get in duel and let the other guy shoot first. Or walk home after one of his major military victories.
 
F

FUBAR McDangles

Member
Sad to say Obama probably dies first. How many of the Presidents would go after him because he is black? Way too many.

I'd say the winner if Teddy or Jackson.
 
C

Coriolanus

Banned
Probably Nixon or Jackson. Both fulla hate and more than willing to fight dirty.

And yerp, obama would be the first to die, very little doubt about that.

Lois_Lane said:
Nah. Even at peak physical strength Trump and Taft are still patsies. I say them, them Bams.
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white patsies, tho. Racism probably wins.
 
L

LegendofJoe

Member
I think who would win would be the person who has the best combination of cunning, physical prowess, and likeability. And also it would help if they could fly under the radar a bit.

So based off that criteria I'm going to go with HW Bush. In his prime he was one of the more physical imposing Presidents and the combination of military, intelligence, political, and social experience he possessed is hard to match. He would also fly under the radar for a bit which I feel would be a big advantage.

Edit: Trump would be the first to go down. Washington, Lincoln, Teddy, Eisenhower, and Reagan would all take turns pummeling him.
 
T

Thewonandonly

Junior Member
Beartruck said:
Lincoln was a great wrestler, but Theodore had a black belt in Judo, so hand to hand they're on relatively even footing. Ultimately though, Theodore survived a bullet and Lincoln didn't. I say Teddy.
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Daaaaaaaaaamn.

Taft dies first no question then someone hides under the body until it's the finals
 
L

Lois_Lane

Member
Thewonandonly said:
Daaaaaaaaaamn.

Taft dies first no question then someone hides under the body until it's the finals
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On that note-
I'm assuming that they come out in a ring, ordered by the time of their presidency, so Obama and Washington are side by side.

It would begin with a number of grudges being settled. Taft would start lumbering towards Teddy, Carter would attack Reagan like a crazy man, Nixon and Kennedy and LBJ would get into a three-way duel to the death. Clinton would try to opportunistically attack Bush Sr., but W would come to his father's aid. Obama would start running immediately, as John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, and John Quincy Adams began running in his direction (in all fairness, it isn't all "kill the black man"; a large part of it is fear of Andrew Jackson).

Andrew Jackson would draw first blood by brutally murdering Martin Van Buren, and then throwing his knife to take out William Henry Harrison as Harrison tried to flee. Jackson would pick up Van Buren's knife and then retrieve his own knife from Harrison's back. John Tyler would be looking agape at Jackson's murderous ways, and would completely miss James K. Polk, Zachary Taylor, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Johnson, and Ulysses S. Grant charging towards him. His body would suffer more stab wounds than any other President involved in the competition.

Rutherford B. Hayes, James Garfield, and Chester A. Arthur would form a temporary alliance and encircle and kill Grover Cleveland. William McKinley would be stabbed by Benjamin Harrison as he slowly backed away from Teddy Roosevelt, who had first killed Taft and who was now in the process of gutting the corpse and pulling out the entrails. Woodrow Wilson would be set up by the alliance of Warren G. Harding, Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover; that alliance would be short lived as Coolidge attacked Harding, and then Hoover made an attack of opportunity on Coolidge.

Barrack Obama would run by this scrum, chased by several presidents.

Truman would assure FDR that he had his back, and then stab him as Roosevelt turned to watch his Republican predecessors battle it out. Disgusted by his old boss's actions, Eisenhower would attack Truman, and then perform a mercy kill on JFK (the survivor of the three way battle with Nixon and LBJ).

Having torn out Reagan's throat with his teeth, Carter would be cautiously approached by the duo of Bush Jr. and Sr. Carter would feint towards Bush Sr, and then pivot and stab Bush Jr. in the throat. He wouldn't recover fast enough to prevent Bush Sr. from stabbing his arm, causing him to drop the knife. Bush Sr. would pick up his son's knife and finish off Carter.

As Bush Sr cradled his son's body, ignoring the fray as tears slid down his cheeks, Barrack Obama would run by, chased by several Presidents. As Obama and the chasing Presidents passed the corpse of Taft (lying face down on the floor of the arena) James Monroe would step in a circle of Taft's entrails. The circle would quickly tighten around his ankle, knocking him to the ground, and pulling him screaming towards Taft's corpse.

Ford would walk up behind Bush Sr and put him out of his misery.

Andrew Jackson would jump at the Presidents still stabbing the body of John Tyler, taking out Polk with his right knife and Taylor with his left knife. The other Presidents in that pack would flee, past a sprinting Barrack Obama. Andrew Jackson would casually kill Thomas Jefferson as he passed by, then lick the sweet, sweet blood from the knife blade.

Barrack Obama would sprint past George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, who would be having a polite conversation. As he circled past the corpse of Taft, chased by a pack of Presidents, the pack would shrink by one as John Adams was dragged under Taft’s corpse. Distracted by the sound of his father’s death, John Quincy Adams would stop and turn, and an expertly thrown dagger would appear in his chest.

Barrack Obama would sprint too close to the pack of Presidents fleeing Jackson, and they’d pick up the chase. Benjamin Harrison would look over the bloodshed in horror, taking small stumbling steps. Sensing weakness, Jackson would kill him. Herbert Hoover would cautiously approach Eisenhower, lowering his knife and offering to make a deal. Having seen what Hoover did to his former allies, Eisenhower would know better than to trust the man at his back. He would take Hoover’s hand, and then throw him to the ground and stab him. Ford would then approach Eisenhower, who would sadly agree to an alliance. Together, they killed Rutherford B. Hayes as he ran past chasing after Obama.

Franklin Pierce and Millard Fillmore would be dragged screaming under the mound of corpses growing around Taft’s corpse. James Buchanan would be stabbed in the back by Ulysses S. Grant as they chased Obama, as would James A. Garfield. Andrew Jackson would take Andrew Johnson’s head off when he fell behind, and then throw Johnson’s head at James Madison with enough force to kill him instantly.

At this point, there would be eight Presidents standing on the field. George Washington and Abraham Lincoln would be politely talking next to Washington’s entrance. Andrew Jackson, eyes wild, would be searching for his next victim. Ulysses S. Grant and Chester A. Arthur would be chasing Obama. Dwight Eisenhower and Gerald Ford would be considering their options. And Barrack Obama, running for his life.

The Ford and Eisenhower team would decide that Jackson was the largest threat remaining and would go after him. Even working together though, they’d be no match for him. Jackson would cut out Eisenhower’s eyes, then hamstring Ford, and then finish them both. Meanwhile, Obama would slip on a patch of blood. As Arthur and Grant closed in, knives would appear in their throats.

Lincoln and Washington would have saved Obama. As Washington recovered his own knife from Arthur’s body and Lincoln’s knife from Grant’s body, Lincoln would help Barrack Obama to his feet. “I want you to know, son, that I am truly and deeply honored that the country has come to a point where a man such as yourself could become President.” Washington would nod as he handed Lincoln back his knife. “You’ve been a credit to the office,” George Washington would add, shaking Obama’s hand.
“Thank you, sirs, I-“ Obama would start to say, and then trail off as Lincoln and Washington murdered him.

Cackling mad laughter would ring out across the arena as Jackson approached Lincoln and Washington. The battle would be epic. Legendary. But in the end, Jackson would win. Bleeding from dozens of minor wounds, his rage unabated, he would stand over the corpses of Washington and Lincoln and howl in victory, the last President standing.

Ignoring the jeers and the catcalls from the audience, he would look over the carnage for the corpse of John Quincy Adams so he could piss on it. Seeing it atop the pile of corpses in the center of the arena, he ambled over, flourishing his blades. And as he undid his breaches, THEODORE FUCKING ROOSEVELT burst out from his hunter’s blind, duel-wielding battle axes he had fashioned himself from the thigh bones of McKinley and the knives of the other fallen Presidents. Screaming in fury, his fly down, Jackson would attack Roosevelt with his bare hands.

Roosevelt’s left axe would be knocked away by Jackson, his right axe would embed itself too deeply in Jackson’s leg to be removed. They’d fall to the arena floor, and Jackson would stab Roosevelt in the side. Roosevelt would sneer through the pain, and then close his hands around Jackson’s neck. With a twist, he’d snap Old Hickory’s neck, and then raise his foe’s corpse over his head before smashing it down on his knee to break Jackson’s back. Lying bleeding and broken on the ground, Jackson could only glare in hatred as Roosevelt would finish the job.

The victorious President Theodore Roosevelt would raise his hands and shout “BULLY!”
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I got this from Penny Arcade. Still the best thing I've ever read.
 
T

The Albatross

Member
My money is on Teddy Roosevelt.

Host Samurai said:
Obama wins. He's got youth. He would team with JFK, FDR & Lincoln to form some faction.

Taft dies first
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Fdr... Who had... Polio... Would win in a thunderdome? Or Lincoln, who could barely walk half the time..

I mean, Lincoln's my favorite president, but the guy had serious bone and growth disorders. And fdr literally couldn't walk.
 
T

Thewonandonly

Junior Member
FUBAR McDangles said:
Sad to say Obama probably dies first. How many of the Presidents would go after him because he is black? Way too many.

I'd say the winner if Teddy or Jackson.
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Unfortunately everyone would be going for Obama. Most presidents only saw black peoples as slaves and slaves were preety damn big. Thus they thought all blacks were preety damn big and would all gain up to take on Obama who they would thing is the strongest.
 
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