I spend a lot of time in a world where products are shorthand for people, and I know too well the risks of having such semiology attached to myself (though I fully acknowledge my willingness to attach it to others).
But when I started wearing the Apple Watch (the 38-millimeter case with a Milanese Loop band, which is the smaller size with a flexible stainless steel bracelet), it became a subject of conversation no matter where I was...
Then they made certain assumptions about me.
Which, frankly, I would have made about any woman like myself walking around with a big black box on her arm.
Because no matter how attractive the Apple Watch is in the context of other smartwatches or smartbands, no matter how much of an aesthetic advance its rounded corners and rectangular display, it still looks like a gadget. Especially on someone, like me, with relatively small wrists.
Not only does its face effectively span the width of my forearm, but the cool little screen saver that so many reviewers have lauded — the Mickey or the butterfly or the galaxy (which is the one I have) or the pseudo-watch hands (the one that, notably, is always on in every picture of the watch, and actually makes it look like a watch) — is also functionally sleeping most of the time.
Every time I see it, I want to shriek, “Beam me up, Scotty.”
Not that it would do much good. Typing doesn’t awaken the picture. Even when I rock my arm back and forth energetically, it often takes a few tries before up the earth pops. The default position is blank...
This doesn’t seem to have bothered the tech writers, most of whom wrote persuasively positive reviews of the gadget, primarily based on what it could do for you. And it is certainly more subtle than Google Glass, though I am not sure that is saying much.
Granted, all of this would likely pale in importance if the watch were truly transforming my life, as my iPhone has. But...
I did like the fact that I could turn my phone ringer off, and the watch would vibrate when, say, my children were on the line and I needed to take the call. But in the end that wasn’t enough.
When I told a colleague about the breakup, he observed that perhaps I wasn’t the target for the Apple Watch. That I should be sure to tell the Siri on my wrist, “It’s not you, it’s me.” He may be right.
Except I don’t think so... because I actually think I am the intended: a nontech person who wouldn’t otherwise have too many gadgets (a phone, an iPad, a laptop), but who could be seduced into buying another because of its desirability.
That’s the way Apple increases market share and owns a category, after all: by sucking in those who are not Apple addicts. It’s why the company worked so hard to get close to the fashion flock.
But here’s the thing: The watch isn’t actually a fashion accessory for the tech-happy. It’s a tech accessory pretending to be a fashion accessory. I just couldn’t fall for it.