I was cleaning out an external HD today and I found this play I co-wrote my Junior year of college. It was written in one afternoon over a period of about 3 hours and edited while the play was performed. This is the rough draft and the only copy that still exists.
Some of it doesn't make sense without having seen Bear With Us, which was a sitcom in which 6 young, cosmopolitan roommates live with a bear. The bear has a job as an insurance claims adjuster, but over the course of a single day reverts to his animal nature and kills the room mates. It is not hilarious to have an animal as a roommate. Anyway, it turns out you can't try a bear in people court. There's also a short fi;m detailing the functionings of "bear court", but that's best left to history. Enjoy the rough, rough draft of Bear With Us TWO!
Some of it doesn't make sense without having seen Bear With Us, which was a sitcom in which 6 young, cosmopolitan roommates live with a bear. The bear has a job as an insurance claims adjuster, but over the course of a single day reverts to his animal nature and kills the room mates. It is not hilarious to have an animal as a roommate. Anyway, it turns out you can't try a bear in people court. There's also a short fi;m detailing the functionings of "bear court", but that's best left to history. Enjoy the rough, rough draft of Bear With Us TWO!
The Murder Mystery
By Scott Stephan and Steve Kendall
Cast of Characters
Tom Nancy- Former billionaire investor and wall street whiz kid. He has summoned the venture capitalists to his diapated former family-home in hopes of using their assessts to tap an oil well in Ohio
Karl Nancy- Toms communist brother. Believes heartily in the word of the state.
Sandra- Toms whore. Naïve and silly.
Greg- An ice cream salesman who speaks, and understands, everything in terms of ice cream
Randolph Brazinski- Rattled military man.
Harvey Conway- A dirty politican
Bonnie Tyler- Inventer of FUTURECLEAN, a ridiculous kitchen cleaning liquid which obliterates anything set on a countertop
Bear Williams- Bear Williams, having been exonerated in people court on a technicality, made his millions by developing a super paper.
NARRATOR: One frigid evening in hemford, a suburb of London, a wealthy entreprueneur had gathered potential investors to an outlandishly unsafe house, perhaps even once a mansion in its glory years. Some investors had already arrived, namely Bonnie Tyler, Harvey Conway and Bear Williams, who had recently become rich off the invention of a nigh unbreakable paper. They awaited the arrival of the others.
BONNIE: (Nervous) and I didnt expect it to sell, but people just (coughs, nervously), um, buying it.
BEAR: (Growls his consent)
HARVEY: (Butting in) Whatre you guys talking about?
BONNIE: Oh, I invented FutureClean.
HARVEY: I love that stuff! It just obliterates whatever I drop on the counter. I kind of thought it was a stupid idea, but it really works!
NARR: There was a knock at the door.
TOM: (From upstairs) Karl! Get the door!
KARL: When Lenin was told to answer the door, he said No.
NARR: Karl opened the door.
BONNIE: I thought you sai-
KARL: I never said I was Lenin.
NARR: Standing outside were two very wet men, one of whom was dressed in the style of an ice cream salesman, the other wore a long black jacket and a frown.
KARL: Oh, folks, please come on in!
BRAZINSKI: I havent been this cold since since ..(Trails off)
GREG: I feel very java mocha chip.
KARL: Is that good or bad?
GREG: Its coffee caramel swirl.
KARL: Is th-
NARR: They are interrupted by Tom and Sandra opening the grand doors to the meeting room.
TOM: Come on in, Mr. Williams, Mr. Conway, good to see you.
BONNIE: Oh, Tom, what a beautiful room! Those curtains are incredible.
TOM: Why Bonnie, Thank you. I got them of what became a very failed expedition to Chad. Lets avoid the details and just say that it got real African, real fast. Faced with the choice between my wife and these curtains, well (NARR: Tom rubs the curtains), the choice was self-evident.
SANDRA: Oh, Tommy, if that was me, would you leave me behind?
TOM: Of course not, baby. (NARR: Tom did not let go of the curtains)
NARR: Everyone was settled and Tom began his speech
TOM: Id traveled to Ohio on a separate venture wherein Id intended to take advantage of a fluke in trade laws pertaining to Indian reservations. Unfortunately, by the time I arrived, theyd corrected it. Downcast, I walked into a local bar and almost immediately one of the disgusting elders of the tribe engaged me in conversation. At first, I wasnt paying attention, a nod here, a nod there, you know how it is. But then he mentioned something interesting: A river of oil running under the reservation. I wouldve disreagarded it as an urban legend, but he claimed to know the exact location of the river. So, of course, I checked it out because, really, what do I have to lose and that oil is as real as real can be. Sadly, I lack the funds to extract the oil. That is where you come in.
KARL: I object to your exploitation of indigenous peoples. Morally, its a rocky road.
GREG: I was gonna say the same thing.
NARR: Harvey breaks what would outherwise be an endlessly cyclical conversation.
HARVEY: What do you need us to do?
TOM: Well, all of you being wealthy self-made men and women, I need your capital to get the oil out. In four months time, you can quadruple your investment.
BEAR: (Grunts)
BRAZINSKI: Yeah, Bears raised a good point, whenre we gonna find out where this well is?
TOM: When the cash is recouped and everyone is paid in full, I will reveal the location of the well.
NARR: Tom holds up an envelope containing the location of the well. Suddenly, the lights go out.
NEED DIALOG HERE
NARR: The lights come back, but Tom is dead and the envelope has gone missing.
SANDRA: Hes dead! My Tommy is dead!
HARVEY: Sandra, Im sure hes not dead. Hes just sleeping.
NARR: Brazinski checks Toms pulse
BRAZINSKI: No, look, hes dead.
NARR: Karl runs to the body and cradles it.
KARL: This is the result of a free market econonomy.
NARR: Bonnie looks around the desk.
BONNIE: The envelope is gone! Its not here!
BEAR: (Roars in anger)
BRAZINSKI: Alright, line up, its search time! One of you has got the envelope and Im gonna find it!
NARR: Everyone consents, but Brazinskis search comes up empty.
GREG: Well, gosh darn mint chip, guys! Someone must have hidden the envelope in the house.
KARL: Well need to split into collectives and search the house.
SANDRA: Now wait, the man who murdred my Tommy is just going to run right out the door the first chance he gets!
KARL: Are you calling me
BRAZINSKI: Hold it, commie, shes got a point there. Well split into teams . (NARR: Eyeing Bear suspiciously and Sandras breasts less suspiciously, Branzinski announces his pick). Sandra will come with me.
HARVEY: (Also eyeing bear suspiciously) Ill take the ice cream guy, Gene.
GREG: Greg.
HARVEY: Right.
KARL: Ill, uh, (Eyes bear suspiciously) go with the whore.
BONNIE: Well, I guess Im, (coughs) going with Bear.
NARRATOR: And so, the teams split up to search the house for the missing envelope.
Act II
Narr: Harvey and Greg find themselves in the attic.
HARVEY: Look at all of this crap.
GREG: (Enthused) Yeah! Look at it!
NARR: Greg begins to shuffle through the piles of old games and toys
GREG: Look at this old doll! Its a Contra Joe action figure! Hes got kung-fu grip and a little knife and everything! (NARR: Greg cuts himself on Contra Joes knife) OW! That knife is actually sharp. What incredible attention to detail.
HARVEY: Put that doll down! Lets get back to work. How about that painting? Thats where I wouldve stashed it.
GREG: Sure thing, boss!
NARR: Harvey and Greg slowly made their way through the maze of old toys and boardgames to the far side of the room. Progress was good until Greg stepped on something sharp.
GREG: YOW!
HARVEY: What the hell is going on back there?
NARR: There was a silence
HARVEY: Are you okay, George?
GREG: Its Greg. And Ive stabbed my toe something awful.
HARVEY: Well, whatd you stab your foot with?
NARR: Greg shows Harvey a battleship from the classic childrens stratagey game, Battleship
GREG: Im not sure. This tiny white thing.
HARVEY: Well, let me see it. (NARR: Harvey examines the object) How in blazes did you step on a Battleship piece?
GREG: Battleship?
HARVEY: Yeah the game where you have to sink the other persons ship. Its the greatest childrens stratagey game of all time.
GREG: Oh! Teach me!
HARVEY: What? No, weve got to look for the envelope.
GREG: Aw shucks, Harvey, let them look! Weve got time for a quick game!
HARVEY: Fine, first (NARR: Harvey begins to explain the rules of Battleship)
NARR: We turn now to Brazinski, Karl and Sandra who are exploring a lavish master bedroom on the second floor.
KARL: If I were the killer, Id hide the envelope underneath the bedside table.
SANDRA: You think an awful like a killer, Karl.
KARL: Whatever. Karl is no killer.
NARR: Brazinski checks under the bedside table and finds an envelope.
BRAZINSKI: I found it, the envelope!
KARL: I knew it!
NARR: The three gathered around as Brazinski opened to the envelope which, to their dismay, contained only old, unpaid bills.
SANDRA: (Sadly, whistful) Oh, Tommy never was very good at paying those.
KARL: You shouldnt even have to pay bills. There shouldnt even be money.
NARR: All 3 looked up at the celing as the distinct pitter-patter of feet sounded from the attic.
SANDRA: Theres someone in the attic, I bet theyre going back for the envelope!
BRAZINSKI: Youre right. Lets go!
NARR: Brazinski makes it as far as the door before he realizes no one is following him.
KARL: Woah, woah. Ive lived here too long to feel like the attic is a safe place to be.
BRAZINSKI: Whatever, traitor. Sandra, lets go.
SANDRA: I dont know. I think Ill also stay here. Take a nap, maybe.
BRAZINSKI: Fine, Ill go alone.
NARR: Brazinski enters the attic alone. Upon entrance he hears the tell-tale sounds of a game of Hide and Go Seek.)
GREG: 58 59 60! Here I come, Harvey!
NARR: Greg bumps into Brazinski while looking for Harvey.
BRAZINSKI: Listen, ice-cream punk, Im a little curious as to why youre so happy all the time.
GREG: cause I love ice cream and I get to work with it all day.
BRAZINSKI: Just give me the envelope. (Forcefully)
GREG: This is getting a little black cherry chip for me.
NARR: Brazinski pulled a knife from his belt, and the next thing he knew he was lying on the ground, the bloody knife beside a very dead ice-cream man.
GREG: Just so you know, this isnt the first time Ive been stabbed by a military man today.
NARR: Brazinski searches the body and comes up empty.
BRAZINSKI: Goddamn! That ice cream boy was okay! (Shakes his head) Peace comes at a heavy price. (NARR: Brazinski leaves the attic)
NARRATOR: Harvey came out of hiding and knelt beside Gregs body
HARVEY: This is all so blueberry swirl. Greg, it is you who is now hidden and myself who is now found in the cosmic game of hide and go seek. I, Harvey Conway, pledge to avenge your death and find myself once more.
NARR: Bonnie and Bear meanwhile were exploring the basement, searching for the envelope.
Bonnie: I dont know Bear, I dont see anything and this place smells terrible.
BEAR: (grows assent)
BONNIE: I suppose we could check out back, I doubt the envelopes out there but Im kind of curious what the back yard of a place like this looks like.
BEAR: (growls assent)
Narrator: Bonnie and Bear head outside
BONNIE: Hmm, look at all these windows! I wonder who turned the light on in the top one.
BEAR: (growls exclamatorily)
BONNIE: What is it, Bear? Oh my God, someones falling out that window!
Narrator: Bear begins running toward the bush below the window.
BONNIE: Wait! Bear, hang on.
BEAR: (growls something incomprehensible from a distance)
Narrator: Bonnie caught up with Bear, and proceeded to search the bush for the body.
BONNIE: Who wears black loafers with rainbow laces that we know Bear?
BEAR: (growls)
BONNIE: Hold on, Ill see if I can drag him out a bit. Oh my God, its the ice-cream man, whatever his name was! Hes dead! Really dead! I mean I think anyway. Oh Bear, what do we do?
BEAR: (growls)
BONNIE: We have to go find the others!
BEAR: (growls)
BONNIE: Well hang on a second Bear, hes been stabbed! And his finger has been pierced too! Who do you think did this?
BEAR: (growls)
BONNIE: Well, you know I didnt do it and I know you didnt do it, so well have to stick together, and, you know, watch each others backs.
BEAR: (growls)
NARR: Bonnie shrieks and points to the rooftop
BONNIE: Bear! Did you see that?! Someone just climbed out that window. Its got to be the killer.
BEAR: (growls)
BONNIE: Come on, weve got to get somewhere safer than out here. I feel so exposed.
NARR: Karl and Sandra are sitting on the bed in the master bedroom awaiting Brazinskis return. The conversation has turned towards the inevitable topic of Tom Nancys death.
KARL: You know I didnt do it, right?
SANDRA: I dont know anything, Karl. All I know is that I didnt do it. If I had to point the finger anywhere, I think that bear did it.
KARL: You heard about what he did before this, right?
SANDRA: No, what happened?
KARL: He ate all of his roommates, all five of them. When they brought him to court, the case was thrown out. It turns out you cant try a bear in people court.
SANDRA: You cant try a bear in people court?
KARL: No, the systems just not set up for that.
SANDRA: I had no idea. Someone needs to fix that.
KARL: They are. Shortly after the trial they set up an actual bear court in the Adirondacks. A jury of his peers and all that.
SANDRA: Right, right. I guess we just have to hope that some other kind of animal didnt murder Tommy. (Laughs)
Enter Brezinski.
Brezinski: Gregs dead.
Karl: Whos Greg?
Brezinski: The Ice-cream man.
Karl: What? How did this happen?
Sandra: Also I say something.
Brezinski: When I got up there, he was lying on the ground, murdered!
Sandra: Steve cant write convincing parts for women.
Karl: My only personality trait is communism.
Brazinski: It was a bad idea to watch Darkplace before this. It had a much better script.
Sandra: The envelope isnt real. Lets travel through time and find out where this play went wrong!
Karl: Thats a great idea, but where will we find a time machine?
Sandra: That Ive already taken care of.
Act V Scene III
Sandra: Oh no, weve gone the wrong way!
Karl: Where are we? A carnival?
Brezinski: I just want to let you guys know it was me who killed that Ice-cream guy. In case we never make it out of here, you know.
Karl: I dont even care man, I cant see anything. These lights are so bright.
Brezinski: Wheres Sandra?
Karl: Oh no! What color dress was she wearing?
Brezinski: I dont know, it was never mentioned.
Karl: Wait, what do we know about Sandra?
Brezinski: Shes a loose-mary.
Karl: What does that even mean?
Brezinski: I dont know, I didnt say anything because I thought you guys would call me stupid or something.
Karl: Oh, Brezzy, we would never say something like that.
Brezinski: Anyway, we have to find her if were ever going to get out of Act V.
Karl: Maybe weve picked up some stuff over the course of the acts.
Narrator: Karl and Brezinski search themselves.
Brezinski: Hey! Someone cleaned my knife!
Karl: The money in my pockets has multiplied. Despite my misgivings, I think we should spend it as soon as possible. Who knows how long thisll last. Come on, lets eat.
NARR: Brazinski and Karl approach a hot dog vendor situated under an unbelievably large ferris wheel.
KARL: Two dogs, please.
BRAZINSKI: (Pipes up) Mine with mustard.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Is that all you want? Dont you want more from your lives?
BRAZINSKI: Not really. We dont even have feelings. Were brutally underdeveloped, even for archetypes.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Thats true. Here are those hot dogs.
KARL: I hate money.
BRAZINSKI: Im so rattled from the war(s). No one knows what my past is and no one cares.
KARL: At least you have a past.
NARR: Brazinski and Karl observe the enormous Ferris wheel
KARL: That is a stupidly large ferris wheel.
BRAZINSKI: And theres Sandra getting off of it.
SANDRA: I became much more developed on the Ferris Wheel. I have wants and desires. I want to get my GED and go to college. I want a dog. I want to be loved. I want to love something. I am a fantastically interesting person, if only people would notice me. This is my plight. Whats yours?
BRAZINSKI: I dont have one now that someone cleaned my kinfe.
KARL: Communism.
HOT DOG VENDOR: I sell hot dogs. My children are starving. My wife is sleeping with the guy who runs the carnival. I have a GED.
KARL: Right. Well, since Sandras been developed and Brazinski and I have our hot dogs, lets go back to Act I and see where this whole thing went wrong.
NARR: They start to follow Sandra to the exit of Act V when Karl notices something.
KARL: Hey, theres someone else on the ferris wheel.
BRAZINSKI: That looks like bear. Hmph, how about that.
ACT I
NARR: Karl, Brazinski and Sandra arrive back in Act I shortly before the murder of Tom Nancy
KARL: (Whispering) Where are we?
BONNIE: Oh, Tom, what beautiful curtains!
BRAZ: (Clamps a hand over Karls mouth) Karl, be quiet! Weve arrived right before Toms death.
SANDRA: Oh god! Not again! (She sighs, resigned) I never really loved him, I havent loved anything since I was 7 I was playing on an old oak tree outside of my house. Winter was coming to an end, but the tree was as bare as ever. Hanging my feet out beneath me, I saw a speck on the road below. It was my cat, Dr. Whiskers. I could just make him out, licking his paw contentedly. Suddenly, a Porche rounded the corner and plowed right over him. He wasnt as fast as he used to be and that car, that bright red car, it just came too fast. I told my mother, I told her, Ma. Doc Whiskers. Its Doc, hes dead, hes dead (She begins to sob quietly)
NARR: In the background Tom began his speech again (see earlier page)
OLD KARL: Morally, its a rocky road.
OLD GREG: Thats what I was gonna say.
KARL: Brazinski, what if weve never felt anything real?
BRAZINSKI: Karl, thats a brave thought. And brave thoughts end in brave actions.
NARR: Sandra had been sobbing for some time now, staring into the distance
KARL: Sandra, youre gonna fog up the window.
SANDRA: No, guys, look!
NARR: The 3 turn to look out the window where FutureBear, bedecked in lights, has downed a telephone pole and killed the power to the house.
BRAZINSKI: Im gonna do it. Im gonna kill Tom.
KARL: No youre not.
NARR: There was a scream and Tom Nancy, for the second time that day, had died.
KARL: Howd it feel, Braz?
BRAZINSKI: I didnt fee; anything. But I got the envelope
KARL: I want to try and feel something!
NARR: Karl grabbed the envelope from Brazinski and consumed it, quickly.
SANDRA: Oh, Karl, tell us how it felt.
KARL: I didnt feel anything. Nothing. I wish Id taken some time out to ride that Ferris Wheel.
SANDRA: Didnt you guys say you saw Bear on that Ferris Wheel?
KARL: Yeah, right before we left.
SANDRA: Hmm. That vendor said hed seen a bear on that wheel for months. Whenever he came to work, there was bear. Whenever he left work, there was bear, He must be developed beyond reason.
KARL: I wonder what hes doing back here or what he wants.
SANDRA: Im not sure. But while were here, lets see what else we can find out. I wonder who killed the ice cream guy.
BRAZINSKI: I dont.
KARL: No, no. Lets find out what happened.
NARR: The time-family makes their way up to the attic just in time to see Brazinski encounter Greg. He pulls his knife when something unexpected happens. FutureBear appears from nothingness, knocks Brazinski over and shoots the Ice-cream man with a futuristic device that could only be described as a knife-gun before vanishing again into thin air.
SANDRA: Oh my god.
NARR: Brezinskis past self rose to his feet, a bit startled, searched the body, mumbled something, and headed downstairs.
Suddenly our future-friends became aware of something large behind them.
FUTUREBEAR: You have no idea.
NARR: FutureBear throws Gregs body out the window before climbing out himself. He leaves behind 3 objects: A copy of the KA-KC encyclopedia, a peacock feather and a Battleship peg.
KARL: I cant believe its not murder.
SANDRA: Weve only got one chance at stopping FutureBear. We need to find the real bear.
KARL: Right. Lets get moving.
NARR: Our travelers head to the basement where Bonnie and Bear are looking for the envelope.
BONNIE: (Looking through a stack of pans) Its not around here.
BEAR: Growls
NARR: Karl, Brazinski and Sandra come running down the stairs
KARL: We need to hide! Bear, follow us, we need your help.
BONNIE: What about the envelope?
BRAZINSKI: Forget the envelope, Karl ate it.
BONNIE: He what?
KARL: And just what do you know about feeling?
BONNIE: I-
NARR: Bonnie winked out of existence. Bear looked surprised.
NARR: The heavy footsteps of FutureBear could be heard through the floor.
SANDRA: Its FutureBear, we need to hide!
NARR: They looked for a place to hide. Suddenly, Bear growls. Hes found a large walk in freezer with a heavy steel door.
SANDRA: Quick, in the freezer!
NARR: Our heroes lock themselves in the walk in freezer. Harvey emerges from behind a sizeable stack of frozen peas, holding a wrech the size of a baseball bat.
HARVEY: (Points at Bear) Bear, how could you? Greg was my best friend, he helped me find a part of myself I thought Id lost forever. And now hes gone.
NARR: FutureBear begins to pound on the freezer door.
BRAZINSKI: Harvey, now is not the time. You dont understand whats been going on.
HARVEY: THIS ISNT BEAR COURT, military man.
NARR: Harvey attacked bear, but was overpowered by the others.
KARL: Bear didnt do anything, Harvey. He was with Bonnie the whole time.
HARVEY: And where is Bonnie?
SANDRA: Just trust us, Harvey. Theres another bear and hes going to come through that door at any moment.
NARR: The pounding on the door ceased. An uneasy silence follows
KARL: Do you think its okay to go out?
NARR: Brazinski opens the door and peers out.
BRAZINSKI: Theres no one out there.
HARVEY: This is BS. Im leaving.
SANDRA: Oh my god. Harvey, behind you!
NARR: From the wall behind Harvey, FutureBear passes through without effort. He has managed to walk through solid material. He points at the assembled members.
FUTUREBEAR: You have no idea.
BRAZINSKI: Oh, Ive got one.
NARR: Brazinski charges at FutureBear who effortlessly rips his head from his body. Karl barely has time to scream before the head collapses his lungs, killing him instantly.
SANDRA: BEAR. HELP ME!
NARR: Bear and Bear engaged each other, blow for blow, block for block. In the end, it was Bears lack of development, his primal instincts that gave him the advantage. He cuts FutureBears jugular and sits down to take a nap.
FUTUREBEAR: I ..cant believe this. (Dies)
SANDRA: What is all this stuff?
NARR: Among the items loosed form FutureBears fur during the fight: A bloody hatchet, a revolver with only 2silver bullets in the chamber and Abraham Lincolns hat
NARR: Bear yawned, curled up, and took a nap right there, leaving Sandra and Harvey to come to terms with the prior events.
Harvey: Where did the second bear come from? How did he come through that wall? And why did he want to kill us?!
Sandra: For a time I rode the ferris wheel myself, and while I value my time spent on it, I grew conce3rned about some of my neighbors. You see, with every turn of the wheel came another concern, another story, and frankly one person is only meant to have so much character. Wed heard stories about just how long that bear had ridden that ferris wheel, and I dont know what was to be believed, perhaps months, and who can understand the actions of a beast with so much pulling at him?
Harvey: I have to tell you Sandy, for awhile I thought youd taken that envelope.
Sandra: For awhile Harvey, I thought you were gay.
Fin.
