Best of luck, Scorcho. [Sadly passed. RIP, Scorcho.]

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I don't think staying around is weak at all. You're facing a tough enemy, to fight at all is not the mark of a weak person. Please keep fighting.
 
scorcho said:
No :( Never got close to Kofi.

i should have gone back to finish my masters International Affairs after first taking medical leave. I only have my thesis to finish.
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I don't if you'll see this, but good luck and keep it up. The sentiments in this thread are crystal indication your magnificent struggle is an inspiration to us all.
 
Dammit man, I am so, so sorry to hear this. Reading your posts is wildly inspiring to me, and I don't approve of you cutting yourself down like you are. I know we are all our own worst critics, but I don't think many people would be as mentally strong as you.

It probably won't mean much to you, but this song always gives me comfort when I think about death

I know nothing about you beyond this what has been in this thread, but you are a NeoGAF brother and I can absolutely say that I love you and have been heartbroken reading this. Nobody deserves this shit.

Absolute best of luck my friend.
 
scorcho said:
I'll talk to her this weekend about it, although I might not. For all of you saying I'm brave, I'm really not. To be brave I would've ended my life eons ago. To endure like this, to lose a sense of my own humanity - this is weak. I'm too afraid to die suddenly so I've allowed my quality of life to slowly slip away to where it is now. So no, I don't consider myself brave. Far from it. I'm complacent.
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Not really time for this discussion and you may not agree with me but both ways are brave but for different reasons. Regardless of what you believe and what your choice is, know that it takes a lot of courage to face something that can't be won simply by talking or with your fists.

This place is all about people. Every post someone makes here, be it good or bad, enriches us. I can say that for a lot of people here, you've been a big part of that enrichment. I hope you keep fighting until the end and grace us with your presence until you can't.
 
Hi all. Typing in from 'infinitely weak area.' My mom noticed the horrible condition i was in this morning - I barely slept - and took the day off to make sure i didn't just whither away between the folds in my couch. Em will be here in a few hours, but I haven't focused on that at all. Since last night it has been an even larger burden to breathe, and I've reached out to my oncologist as to whether I should temporarily stop the chemo while he awaits blood results to maximize el cancerino's exposure to the treatment.

i don't know that it's working. i pray that it is, fear that it isn't. breathing continues to be a chore, but i'm able to lay down in more positions. i've finally bit the bullet and took a full medial leave this time, though i'm not sure whether i should ask for a 3 or 6 month time limit at this point...

I've also looked into hospice care, as the oxygen deprivation i'll increasingly face will lead to a very painful, claustrophobic death. My sister has worked as a hospice nurse on occasion. I'll try to suss out her opinion this weekend.
 
If possible,you and your gf should take a nice long walk or ride into the countryside.The leaves this time of year are a beautiful thing.It's much quieter also.
 
scorcho said:
Hi all. Typing in from 'infinitely weak area.' My mom noticed the horrible condition i was in this morning - I barely slept - and took the day off to make sure i didn't just whither away between the folds in my couch. Em will be here in a few hours, but I haven't focused on that at all. Since last night it has been an even larger burden to breathe, and I've reached out to my oncologist as to whether I should temporarily stop the chemo while he awaits blood results to maximize el cancerino's exposure to the treatment.

i don't know that it's working. i pray that it is, fear that it isn't. breathing continues to be a chore, but i'm able to lay down in more positions. i've finally bit the bullet and took a full medial leave this time, though i'm not sure whether i should ask for a 3 or 6 month time limit at this point...

I've also looked into hospice care, as the oxygen deprivation i'll increasingly face will lead to a very painful, claustrophobic death. My sister has worked as a hospice nurse on occasion. I'll try to suss out her opinion this weekend.
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Well I certainly hope it IS working, and I hope it begins to offer noticeable relief sooner rather than later. More sleeping positions is good, though it doesn't sound like you're getting much rest still.

Menelaus said:
Just trying to be light hearted, man.
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dat timing. dat shockingly poor timing.
 
Scorcho, I've been following this thread for sometime and I know this may sound disingenuous, but I really am rooting for you.

Hang in there, man. You've been incredibly inspiring.
 
This may also sound cheesey, but Scorcho I am sending you positive energy/prayer/mojo what ever you want to call it. You are in my and gaf's thougths.
 
Cancer is a terrible disease. A year ago I lost my grandfather to kidney cancer (which had spread to the lungs and brain by the time he passed away). Best of wishes, man. Hope the experimental drugs will at least ease some of your pain.
 
scorcho said:
Hi all. Typing in from 'infinitely weak area.' My mom noticed the horrible condition i was in this morning - I barely slept - and took the day off to make sure i didn't just whither away between the folds in my couch. Em will be here in a few hours, but I haven't focused on that at all. Since last night it has been an even larger burden to breathe, and I've reached out to my oncologist as to whether I should temporarily stop the chemo while he awaits blood results to maximize el cancerino's exposure to the treatment.

i don't know that it's working. i pray that it is, fear that it isn't. breathing continues to be a chore, but i'm able to lay down in more positions. i've finally bit the bullet and took a full medial leave this time, though i'm not sure whether i should ask for a 3 or 6 month time limit at this point...

I've also looked into hospice care, as the oxygen deprivation i'll increasingly face will lead to a very painful, claustrophobic death. My sister has worked as a hospice nurse on occasion. I'll try to suss out her opinion this weekend.
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:/

Hang in there.
 
i understand the pizza meme, just thought it was callous to bring into this conversation considering its tone. thanks to the mod that reacted. ultimately that poster is the big winner anyhow. he got off a line that made him chuckle, and he can go back at to his post anytime once i'm gone and yuck it up then.

so i've also been guilty of crying wolf one too many times over the last few months when it came to my body's reactions to various chemos and how close i've been to death. to bolster my case a bit, i don't really know where that line is, and my body has discovered some impressive ways to register and absorb pain. the last few days i've felt those same 'take me now' emotions and i'm trying desperately to fight them. i wrote my doctor about the aches and he recommends i skip one night to see how i feel. i suppose that's the logical answer, but doesn't give the cancer mutation cells ninja bonus time to devise its counter? shouldn't i just push forward as hard as possible to that absolute brink where i am about to die?

i don't think i'm there quite yet. i checked my temperature to make sure i wasn't facing a fever (96.7), and my mom just enough calories down my gullet to give me the energy to stand about and walk a bit. still, i'm exhausted and i have to remind myself to take a deep breath to stretch out my back/lungs and to maintain a steady oxygen flow.

i don't know how often i'll post here going forward. i want to, but each day i'm finding it harder to concentrate on a post without nodding out. i've really appreciated everyone's support and kindness; it's pulled me out from the darkness on more than one occasion when i had no one else around.
 
scorcho said:
i understand the pizza meme, just thought it was callous to bring into this conversation considering its tone. thanks to the mod that reacted. ultimately that poster is the big winner anyhow. he got off a line that made him chuckle, and he can go back at to his post anytime once i'm gone and yuck it up then.

so i've also been guilty of crying wolf one too many times over the last few months when it came to my body's reactions to various chemos and how close i've been to death. to bolster my case a bit, i don't really know where that line is, and my body has discovered some impressive ways to register and absorb pain. the last few days i've felt those same 'take me now' emotions and i'm trying desperately to fight them. i wrote my doctor about the aches and he recommends i skip one night to see how i feel. i suppose that's the logical answer, but doesn't give the cancer mutation cells ninja bonus time to devise its counter? shouldn't i just push forward as hard as possible to that absolute brink where i am about to die?

i don't think i'm there quite yet. i checked my temperature to make sure i wasn't facing a fever (96.7), and my mom just enough calories down my gullet to give me the energy to stand about and walk a bit. still, i'm exhausted and i have to remind myself to take a deep breath to stretch out my back/lungs and to maintain a steady oxygen flow.

i don't know how often i'll post here going forward. i want to, but each day i'm finding it harder to concentrate on a post without nodding out. i've really appreciated everyone's support and kindness; it's pulled me out from the darkness on more than one occasion when i had no one else around.
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I'm sure you don't know me, but I've been following this thread and I find your posts very inspiring. I think the question to continue with the chemo or not is up to you, and you alone. If your body can take it, I think it would make sense to at least finish the chemo, but thats just my opinion.

All the best. You seem like a really cool guy.
 
Ra\/en said:
I'm sure you don't know me, but I've been following this thread and I find your posts very inspiring. I think the question to continue with the chemo or not is up to you, and you alone. If your body can take it, I think it would make sense to at least finish the chemo, but thats just my opinion.

All the best. You seem like a really cool guy.
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Thanks. I want to eventually go back on the chemo, but I most certainly want to find out tonight whether skipping a dosage alleviates any of the side effects that have built up over the last 10 days.
 
I don't have much to say, but I can offer support.

This is just so sad, but I do hope you continue to post. I think your story needs to be told, and by you.
 
Damn Scorcho :'(

I can't imagine what you're going through, every new entry it seems to be getting harder and harder for you. I hope you get at least some reprieve from the pain, and wish you the best of luck going forward.
 
scorcho said:
i understand the pizza meme, just thought it was callous to bring into this conversation considering its tone. thanks to the mod that reacted. ultimately that poster is the big winner anyhow. he got off a line that made him chuckle, and he can go back at to his post anytime once i'm gone and yuck it up then.

so i've also been guilty of crying wolf one too many times over the last few months when it came to my body's reactions to various chemos and how close i've been to death. to bolster my case a bit, i don't really know where that line is, and my body has discovered some impressive ways to register and absorb pain. the last few days i've felt those same 'take me now' emotions and i'm trying desperately to fight them. i wrote my doctor about the aches and he recommends i skip one night to see how i feel. i suppose that's the logical answer, but doesn't give the cancer mutation cells ninja bonus time to devise its counter? shouldn't i just push forward as hard as possible to that absolute brink where i am about to die?

i don't think i'm there quite yet. i checked my temperature to make sure i wasn't facing a fever (96.7), and my mom just enough calories down my gullet to give me the energy to stand about and walk a bit. still, i'm exhausted and i have to remind myself to take a deep breath to stretch out my back/lungs and to maintain a steady oxygen flow.

i don't know how often i'll post here going forward. i want to, but each day i'm finding it harder to concentrate on a post without nodding out. i've really appreciated everyone's support and kindness; it's pulled me out from the darkness on more than one occasion when i had no one else around.
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Of course, this is a very difficult choice to make and it ultimately is your decision, but perhaps it is advisable to ask relatives and/or friends (if you've not done so) what they feel. They are probably in a better position to comment on the situation than we are since they are presumably more aware of your condition and as a result I imagine they can give better advice. In saying that, personally, if I was in your position I think I would ultimately choose to continue with the chemotherapy, just in case, as you've said, it gives the cancerous cells time to grow. Now I'm certain there is a big difference between giving advice while you do not face those circumstances yourself so if I was in your position maybe I would not be so certain but I do think it would be better to avoid pausing the treatment.

Anyway, I just want to say that you have my best wishes. You're in a situation where neither option is ideal but it is inspiring to see such courage in your openness when dealing with with your illness (even if you do not see it as courage). In saying that, I do find your updates upsetting but I am glad to see that NeoGAF's support is still of benefit to you. Even if occasionally you are unable to respond to messages when you wish due to fatigue, as long as you are aware that everybody is wishing for your improvement, that is what matters. I hope you find some solace in whatever decision you end up making.

EDIT: I am just curious, I've been keeping up with this thread as it updates and I've not re-read it so I am sorry if you've already mentioned it (as if you have I've forgot) but have you seen a therapist by any chance? You must be under a great deal of stress and if there is any way to arrange a home visit you could find it helpful to you. Maybe it is not something you'd be interested in but it may be worth considering if you think it would be helpful.

EDIT 2: Never mind, I had the tab open too long. I hope you find out whether or not it helps tonight then and hopefully you get an improvement in your condition.
 
Hey Scorcho,

It's great to keep hearing from you, despite the ups and downs. But please don't give up.

We're all rooting for you.

Take care and try to hang in for as long as you can.
 
scorcho said:
Thanks. I want to eventually go back on the chemo, but I most certainly want to find out tonight whether skipping a dosage alleviates any of the side effects that have built up over the last 10 days.
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God damn bud, you're an example to all of us for fighting it out. I hope to hell that the round of chemo proves successful and that you manage to get some release.
 
Just read this thread, cancer truly is the most horrendous thing. Really rooting for you man, just wanna let you know that I'm reading this and thinking of you. Keep fighting it.
 
You're in my prayers Scorcho. I hope your body will find the strength necessary to keep fighting and the chemo will prove effective in the long run. Hang in there, you're already braver than probably anyone here.
 
I've been following your progression since you first posted about your cancer (or at least since one of the earlier posts). Reading your ongoing posts I find that it's affecting me quite a bit considering I don't personally know you and you probably haven't seen a single post by me.

I sincerely hope you'll be able to defeat your cancer. Stay strong!
 
When u check the news these days u see so many reports about people doing smth stupid, getting arrested, throwing their life away. They dont appreciate what they have. The chances, the possibilities. I hope and wish with all my heart that u can overcome this cancer somehow. So you can fulfill all your wishes and possibilities in the future. Thank you for all these updates. U made me think a lot lately. Quite a few times i found myself thinking about ur current state and how u are doing in general. Hang in there, mate! Hang in there!
 
well, my oncologist gave me the okay to stay off the pill temporarily and await some blood tests to come back before restarting treatment next Tuesday. ideally the side effects leave faster than it took to build up.
 
scorcho said:
well, my oncologist gave me the okay to stay off the pill temporarily and await some blood tests to come back before restarting treatment next Tuesday. ideally the side effects leave faster than it took to build up.
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Yeah, that'll be interesting to follow. Too bad it's you. :(
 
Keep up the good fight Scorcho. You mentioned that you feel like a tiny man, but I'm sure that I speak for most of us when I say that I'm not sure I'd have the resolve to go for as long as you have. That takes more internal strength than perhaps even you're aware of. And you seem to have more of that left in the tank. I hope things improve so you can at least get more rested, and from then on, constant improvement til you're in remission.

This might be cheesy, but this is one of my favorite exchanges from Evangelion (which is rife with battles against impossible odds):

Misato: "Miracles have value only when we make them happen"
(Ritsuko confronts Misato about her plan)
Ritsuko: "You're going to do this, seriously?"
Misato: "Yes, I am."
Ritsuko: "You're going to throw away all three Evas with your selfish decision? The chance of success is only 0.00001%. That's not even one in ten thousand!"
Misato: "It's not zero; I'm just banking on the Evas."
 
Your will is inspiring.

If there is ANYTHING that you may need that brings any level of comfort/contentment, relief, etc that you may be in short supply of, PM me, I will send it out ASAP.

Seriously.

Continuing to think good thoughts.
 
scorcho said:
well, my oncologist gave me the okay to stay off the pill temporarily and await some blood tests to come back before restarting treatment next Tuesday. ideally the side effects leave faster than it took to build up.
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Good to hear. I hope the side effects go away soon and you can get back to feeling as well as you can. I hope the chemo was (and will be :)) effective.
 
We're all rootin' for ya Scorcho.

I've been fighting cancer currenctly, too, but now after reading through this thread, I kind of feel bad for complaining since my current side effects are NOTHING to what you're experiencing and my case isn't even close to as bad as yours. Hopefully we all(gaffers) can pull through all of this together. Keep fighting hard, you can do it man!

Keep up the good fight scorcho!
 
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