HI.
I'm at a very difficult point in life and was seeking some advice of just talking to talk.
In June of last year I moved to Brooklyn.
It was due to a need for change, a new start, as I had spent some time suffering through homelessness, physical, verbal, sexual abuse, poverty.
Initially the plan was only to leave Boston, but as I grow older, and free of my history, I'm allowed to mature more into who I am, free of the weight of my past, I've come to realize there is no going back. There is no retreat, no family to go home to. I have a very difficult situation back there.
What anchors me to this new city is my experience as a cook. It has been really hard fought to survive in this industry. Due to my anxiety, depression, and background, it has been difficult for me to make friends within the industry.
I have often come under attack for seemingly being arrogant or an asshole for not talking to people. I have extreme trouble trusting people, I would characterize myself as largely afraid of people generally, I am so scared when I get to work everyday that I can't find the time to eat or talk. Needless to say I'm not suitable for a more leisurely job like foh, or I've never been considered for it.
So I do to a job I'm equally unsuited for, and it has beenough hurting me mentally/ physically to a severe degree for quite a while.
I don't drink, as I become incredibly depressed, or smoke, so I found another way to cope, as often I can't obtain insurance, and anti-depressants fail to help really, just tire me, so, when I can't concentrate, when I feel absolutely hopeless, suicidal ideation taking over all of my thoughts, interfering with work, I cut myself, and it let's me.concentrate, it gets pain out, it makes me, hysterically happy, like a kid again, in fact, it's the only thing that makes me happy.
Though I've stopped, but I'm still anemic, due to the poverty of my diet, work provides food yet it doesn't provide time to eat.
Well, anyway, I was finally finding hope, I met friends, I hardly ever see them, but I can talk to them about it all sometimes. I feel like it's the start of my own family, you know.
I really couldn't bear to lose them.
I want to go back to school, for nursing, then from there, I want to try to be a lawyer, with the hope of nursing funding law school.
I realized I can finally afford college with the excelsior grant.
Apparently I have to take the sats but I was always 98 percentile on the Iowa, mcas, So I feel confident I can take them unprepared in March.
I want to go to cuny. It's going to be embarrassing as I can barely afford clothes.
Well, all sounds possible. I guess. The problem is, when I first moved here, I burnt out working at a Michelin star restaurant. It wasn't as bad as it could of been but I can't remember anything.
I took a job, a corporate job, which everyone has warned me about, but I did as it pays well.
Recently they hired a person who has been very aggressive in micromanaging me. I feel terrified, and I keep making mistakes as a result. They've written me up just recently, for burning buns, and wasting a hamburger, plus some eggs.
These buns, I had to throw out tens of them that were unservable, so what was the huge loss? I produce far more than they cost. I also lost a few hamburgers and eggs as they were simply unservable, though not through any fault of my own.
Having worked in the industry for years, I realized this is not a big deal following signing the write up. I had been beaten down all day by the new corporate enforcer, I had no energy to argue anything, I had to do everything I could to fight back tears. Prior to him, I already felt very afraid, the boss has some dislike for me, as I was saying awkward, dumb things due to anxiety at the start. He kept using the word retarded in my presence, although completely unrelated to me. I feel very afraid working for him.
So now I'm afraid I'll be fired.
In large part due to how tired, mentally and physically I am. I need a break. I could hold out for unemployment when I'm fired, but, in my experience, when a restaurant realizes someone has mental issues, their approach is to brutalize them until they quit, which saves the business the cost of unemployment. I'm sure I can deal with more abuse, as I have for all of my life, really, just the way life is, when I realize I have no way of defending myself. I realize how helpless, how powerless I am, I'm very frightened.
I thought this was a job but they of course want this to be my entire life. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to recover, or just things will continue to go wrong. I don't know if anyone has any experience with trauma, but it's as though all I've been through has just been building on me, weighing me further and further down. I have a constant reminder of where I could be, as I pass so many homeless everyday.
Has anyone encountered something similar, burnout? I have another potential offer at a restaurant I'll be checking out Wednesday, but this is an offer I initially rescinded, now I caught the air of a doubt in my wellbeing, as I couldn't really cobble up a good response to why I sought a new job withouy being honest about my health.
She started the discussion of an offer with," you can see our mountain of work."
The first three months at every restaurant are often a Mental/physical fitness test to see if you'll snap, by leaving one I go into the other.
Meanwhile in the back of my mind. This was the year I planned on killing my self, when I had no hope, and when you hold onto a plan so long, that thought never leaves your mind. There's this extreme feeling of peace and escape from all this horror that keeps coming into my head, a perfect answer to all my anxieties, and my honest inability to enjoy anything about life, which I've accepted. I'm trying so hard to find a way, and yes. When I do go back to school, it will be limited to two days, three if I keep this job as I work ten hr shifts four days(that's why it socks they're being Jerks)with the remainder spent at work. No day s off, for however many years, but I know if I get to school, I'll have that indescribable hope of having a future again, which I haven't felt in so, so long.
Thanks for listening. I know this forum is dead so I don't expect many replies but it felt good to air it out anyway to the illusion or an audience.
I'm at a very difficult point in life and was seeking some advice of just talking to talk.
In June of last year I moved to Brooklyn.
It was due to a need for change, a new start, as I had spent some time suffering through homelessness, physical, verbal, sexual abuse, poverty.
Initially the plan was only to leave Boston, but as I grow older, and free of my history, I'm allowed to mature more into who I am, free of the weight of my past, I've come to realize there is no going back. There is no retreat, no family to go home to. I have a very difficult situation back there.
What anchors me to this new city is my experience as a cook. It has been really hard fought to survive in this industry. Due to my anxiety, depression, and background, it has been difficult for me to make friends within the industry.
I have often come under attack for seemingly being arrogant or an asshole for not talking to people. I have extreme trouble trusting people, I would characterize myself as largely afraid of people generally, I am so scared when I get to work everyday that I can't find the time to eat or talk. Needless to say I'm not suitable for a more leisurely job like foh, or I've never been considered for it.
So I do to a job I'm equally unsuited for, and it has beenough hurting me mentally/ physically to a severe degree for quite a while.
I don't drink, as I become incredibly depressed, or smoke, so I found another way to cope, as often I can't obtain insurance, and anti-depressants fail to help really, just tire me, so, when I can't concentrate, when I feel absolutely hopeless, suicidal ideation taking over all of my thoughts, interfering with work, I cut myself, and it let's me.concentrate, it gets pain out, it makes me, hysterically happy, like a kid again, in fact, it's the only thing that makes me happy.
Though I've stopped, but I'm still anemic, due to the poverty of my diet, work provides food yet it doesn't provide time to eat.
Well, anyway, I was finally finding hope, I met friends, I hardly ever see them, but I can talk to them about it all sometimes. I feel like it's the start of my own family, you know.
I really couldn't bear to lose them.
I want to go back to school, for nursing, then from there, I want to try to be a lawyer, with the hope of nursing funding law school.
I realized I can finally afford college with the excelsior grant.
Apparently I have to take the sats but I was always 98 percentile on the Iowa, mcas, So I feel confident I can take them unprepared in March.
I want to go to cuny. It's going to be embarrassing as I can barely afford clothes.
Well, all sounds possible. I guess. The problem is, when I first moved here, I burnt out working at a Michelin star restaurant. It wasn't as bad as it could of been but I can't remember anything.
I took a job, a corporate job, which everyone has warned me about, but I did as it pays well.
Recently they hired a person who has been very aggressive in micromanaging me. I feel terrified, and I keep making mistakes as a result. They've written me up just recently, for burning buns, and wasting a hamburger, plus some eggs.
These buns, I had to throw out tens of them that were unservable, so what was the huge loss? I produce far more than they cost. I also lost a few hamburgers and eggs as they were simply unservable, though not through any fault of my own.
Having worked in the industry for years, I realized this is not a big deal following signing the write up. I had been beaten down all day by the new corporate enforcer, I had no energy to argue anything, I had to do everything I could to fight back tears. Prior to him, I already felt very afraid, the boss has some dislike for me, as I was saying awkward, dumb things due to anxiety at the start. He kept using the word retarded in my presence, although completely unrelated to me. I feel very afraid working for him.
So now I'm afraid I'll be fired.
In large part due to how tired, mentally and physically I am. I need a break. I could hold out for unemployment when I'm fired, but, in my experience, when a restaurant realizes someone has mental issues, their approach is to brutalize them until they quit, which saves the business the cost of unemployment. I'm sure I can deal with more abuse, as I have for all of my life, really, just the way life is, when I realize I have no way of defending myself. I realize how helpless, how powerless I am, I'm very frightened.
I thought this was a job but they of course want this to be my entire life. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to recover, or just things will continue to go wrong. I don't know if anyone has any experience with trauma, but it's as though all I've been through has just been building on me, weighing me further and further down. I have a constant reminder of where I could be, as I pass so many homeless everyday.
Has anyone encountered something similar, burnout? I have another potential offer at a restaurant I'll be checking out Wednesday, but this is an offer I initially rescinded, now I caught the air of a doubt in my wellbeing, as I couldn't really cobble up a good response to why I sought a new job withouy being honest about my health.
She started the discussion of an offer with," you can see our mountain of work."
The first three months at every restaurant are often a Mental/physical fitness test to see if you'll snap, by leaving one I go into the other.
Meanwhile in the back of my mind. This was the year I planned on killing my self, when I had no hope, and when you hold onto a plan so long, that thought never leaves your mind. There's this extreme feeling of peace and escape from all this horror that keeps coming into my head, a perfect answer to all my anxieties, and my honest inability to enjoy anything about life, which I've accepted. I'm trying so hard to find a way, and yes. When I do go back to school, it will be limited to two days, three if I keep this job as I work ten hr shifts four days(that's why it socks they're being Jerks)with the remainder spent at work. No day s off, for however many years, but I know if I get to school, I'll have that indescribable hope of having a future again, which I haven't felt in so, so long.
Thanks for listening. I know this forum is dead so I don't expect many replies but it felt good to air it out anyway to the illusion or an audience.