Thanks for the really thoughtful response, and I'm sorry that it took several days to get back to you.
Fortunately my period of questioning my own character was fairly short as I have just enough control over my own thoughts again to realize that that much self-loathing is only going to hurt me further. After having some time to think, I understand how others have developed a negative opinion of me--even if I profess to mean well, if my intentions never translate to action, can I really expect others to think that I care about them?
My problem is that I'm basically in survival mode right now--most of the time, I only have the energy to perform the basic actions necessary for life on a daily basis. I absolutely loathe being so hopeless and fatigued that I can't be more active in the lives of the people that I care about, and if I believed that I had more control over my impulses than I do, I would absolutely be pushing myself harder. I don't want people's expectations of me to be lessened just because I may not always be able to meet those expectations, but I'd at least like the freedom to feel how I feel without being told that I'm not "allowed" to even feel that way just because my basic needs are met.
It is actually my sister saying these things again, and the difficult thing about that is that she's the only person I can confide in at all. My friends are generally all well-adjusted and can't identify and my family are largely simple and can't grasp the intricacies of sensitive mental health issues. I have to hide the worst of my emotional issues from my parents because they're both very ill and I couldn't dare add to their burden. My sister knows a lot about psychology, but she also has some ideas regarding personal "toughness", the mixing of religion and medicine, etc. that cause us not to see eye to eye on this issue. Ultimately I simply may have to decide to come clean on the fact that I can't accept some of her advice, but that's going to be a challenge in and of itself when her response to any defense I make of my own character is that I'm "egotistical" or "can't take criticism".
For now I'm trying to force myself back on a socially-acceptable sleeping schedule for the first time in years to see if that helps me at all. It's a horribly difficult thing when you have nothing to do all day. If I could just find employment, I think that it would go a long way toward making me feel "human" again, but after two years of fruitless searching for even the most humble opportunity it's really demoralizing.
It's fine don't worry about it. I can understand things can be hectic and not enough time to respond, take your time.
It is true what you say though. People can't see the intentions and only the actions that you do; no matter how thoughtful or good you were. It's unfortunate of reality; however this does not apply to people who already know you deeply and care for you. If a friend knows you for years almost to the point that they're like a close brother or sister to you, they can understand intentions if you explain to them. They won't leave just because you said or did something wrong. However it does have limitations if you NEVER did the actions in the first place. Communication is key for any healthy relationship, friends or otherwise.
I can also relate to your "survival" mode. From experience, this happens from being exhausted and hitting rock bottom (then someone giving me a shovel showing me I can go deeper...). It may just be me, but the fact you want to be in other people's lives that you care about shows that you're not a bad person at all and have legitimate worry over this. You say you are fatigued and feel hopeless, as I recommended before, I still think you need professional help and consider it seriously to get it. Have you had any thoughts about that recently?
As for now about your fatigued and tired self, to soothe the symptoms, try listening to relaxing sounds and taking an hour or so a day to just relax to the sounds. You can search on Youtube "kmusiclife" and just listen to some of the tracks in the channel if you desire. It doesn't have to be by that channel artist either, just it has to be some sound that is produced by nature (rain, forest life, etc) and does not require you to continuously search for other tracks. Try not to do anything while listening to them and be seated in a comfortable position. If you must do something however, try to read a relaxing book while listening to the tracks. The point of this is to not cause an extreme emotional reaction to anything and just let the body relax. Usually people with deep relaxation can reduce the fatigue symptoms of depression.
By the way, the bolded statement is what I feel does not constitute the meaning of a close friend. People like the bolded statement (in my opinion) don't understand the meaning of being human. I hate when people "drop" their expectations of friends when I'm sure they themselves aren't perfect and do things that drops other people's expectations. Those people who drop their expectations of you just because you didn't do something right, are not close friends at all and not worth keeping. (As long as you didn't commit a crime, chances are you're fine) I think the ability to forgive and understand is what differentiates friends from close friends.
I'm sorry to hear your parents are ill. However, they do care about you and your well being, right?
Isn't there one friend you know will not leave you and if confronted with this can help you? A friend on GAF perhaps if you have to resort to? Your sister has good intentions, however it is extremely unhealthy to be surrounded by non-constructive thoughts that are given by others. It can take a toll on you and it does not help in actual healing at this time (it can help later when you can have some handle on depression and does get better; however it doesn't seem to be at the appropriate time). You are going to have to confront your sister about this, but do think carefully if you want to tell her you can't take some of her advice. If she really is emotional and/or sensitive about criticism herself, she might take it negatively and go in a wrong turn. If you think she can handle what you are going to say, by all means please do. Take careful consideration what you will say and what not to say. But at the same time, be honest. It sounds like you two are close, so take your time to think about what you will say to her. Also, be truthful on how you feel, don't hide things if you are really that close. It will only hurt you if you don't say something truthfully. If an advice really impacted you from her, tell her, don't hide that emotion too.
You say you have nothing to do all day and want to get employed. Have you tried to talk to your friends to see if they have connections to get you a job? I'm not exactly an expert on getting employed, although talking with my friends from the past, most of them found work through connections from other friends.
As for doing things on your down time, is there some old hobby you used to enjoy doing but dropped it? Try to rediscover yourself and dig up old hobbies from the past.
(For instance I went back to art recently as a means to kill time and sometimes also give me hope for a better future)
Good luck.
