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[Mastodonkey]

I had a job that basically drove me to the brink of insanity.. I won't go into details on the job itself but I had worked at it for almost six years and it only got worse. I was absolutely miserable with the job itself and the people I worked with. I would come home and basically gorge myself on food.. ended up putting on close to 25 pounds in the last two years and I've always been a thin person.. Now that I'm relatively chubby that has added to my depression and social interaction woes seeing that I've always been a very thin person up until this point.. already dealing with self image problems.

Anyway, one day on the job I was so upset I couldn't stand to be there another second and just up and quit. I have no regrets on what I did that day. It was the most miserable place for me on the planet and I wouldn't go back there if something threw a million bucks on the table in front of me right now and offered me the chance to go back. No Way.

I was looking for another job but there's just nothing around here, now I'm a 24 year old man with no job, and a dwindling bank account. I have no wife or kids to worry about so that's one good thing. Now I just go out every now and then looking for a job but basically in seclusion and my social skills seem to still be dwindling worse than ever.. even simple conversation with family members are awkward and theres just no connection.

I found a decent job last week and had a great interview but I fear the employer probably contacted my last supervisor and he informed him that I quit my last job during the middle of a shift.. so I doubt he wants to hire me after speaking with him.

 

[iRAWRasaurus]

There is a very good chance this is your culprit. Don't overwork yourself. It's very possible to reach your educational goals while getting out, hanging with friends, and doing stuff on the side.

Ya honestly always bad at making friends ouside my core groups of friends..doing better tho..somewhat lol

I want to add that this also sounds like a symptom of SAD disorder.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder
Just thought I mention it, I'm not sure if that's it, but that's what it reminded me of.

Thats interesting, I do have trouble waking up and sleeping now. I might have to read up more on this.

 

[KevinCow]

got laid off of work yesterday and rejected by the girl i like today

what a wonderful couple of days this has been for the little bit of progress i'd been making recently in my confidence and self esteem

 

[Windam]

Is there any way you can scrap up enough money to buy your own guitar?

As I stated above, not everyone really knows what they want to do in a university. I guarantee you, a great portion of high school graduates will not graduate with the same major they say they're going to do.
Don't go to English if you don't want to, just make sure to go into something you actually enjoy. (Salary for a job can be a factor, but ultimately, I think it's best to go to a major you actually enjoy)
Also, let's assume you still want to go through the Bio undergraduate program. If you can't get into graduate school with a Bio major, something my family friends have done was apply to medical schools in India, or go to the Caribbean to complete medical school. I can't give you specifics on either but they are options to consider. And also a point here, it's not the end of line when you think it is.

As Sub Level said, don't feel bad because someone is worse off than you. It rarely can reverse depression/suicidal logic.
While I can only offer you some paths to take, the end is what you decide.
But just know, you have the power to do something at this point in time.
Research on what you can do, what majors you might consider, etc.
Look at that financial aid, just what ever you do, don't just contemplate that you don't know what to do. If that happens, push it out of your mind and do something else.
Act on something.
Good luck.

I have about $1100 saved up that I had intended to put towards a car, so yes I should definitely have enough for a decent one. The only problem now is I have no motivation to learn anymore/I just stopped caring (same with basically everything else in life, really).

I was considering the Caribbean for medical school, but I'm just worried about what the cost would be. I'd have to look into financial aid for overseas students assuming I could get accepted (assuming I don't off myself long before I get the chance to apply, or if I feel the same way in the future...).

 

[KevinCow]

I just don't think I can do it anymore.

I'm trying to do something about my life, I really am. I'm trying to make progress. But it seems like fate or luck or whatever has just determined to take away any small amount of progress I make.

I know I'm supposed to stay positive and keep trying. But this is what it's always been like. This is what's happened over and over again. I try, and I fail. I try, and it looks like I'm going to succeed, but I'm smacked in the face with failure right when everything looks like it's gonna be okay.

And I see other people who are happy and successful and have nice relationships, and I just don't understand why this universe's governing agent, whatever it may be, won't let me have that.

I can't even sleep even though I'm exhausted because every time I stop doing something, I can't stop thinking about all this and I just start crying.

 

[LuuKyK]

I just don't think I can do it anymore.

I'm trying to do something about my life, I really am. I'm trying to make progress. But it seems like fate or luck or whatever has just determined to take away any small amount of progress I make.

I know I'm supposed to stay positive and keep trying. But this is what it's always been like. This is what's happened over and over again. I try, and I fail. I try, and it looks like I'm going to succeed, but I'm smacked in the face with failure right when everything looks like it's gonna be okay.

And I see other people who are happy and successful and have nice relationships, and I just don't understand why this universe's governing agent, whatever it may be, won't let me have that.

I can't even sleep even though I'm exhausted because every time I stop doing something, I can't stop thinking about all this and I just start crying.

Yeah, this year especially has been terrible. Idk, a lot of people I know are having all kinds of problems. And for me the worst is that everything you try end up being unsuccessful, this is really frustrating. 2013 can't come soon enough. Also, I know its hard, but to give up is the worst decision to make. There will be a time when things are going to go the way you want.

 

[brianjones]

Yeah, this year especially has been terrible. Idk, a lot of people I know are having all kinds of problems. And for me the worst is that everything you try end up being unsuccessful, this is really frustrating. 2013 can't come soon enough. Also, I know its hard, but to give up is the worst decision to make. There will be a time when things are going to go the way you want.

man i dont get this mindset

its a meaningless number

I can't even sleep even though I'm exhausted because every time I stop doing something, I can't stop thinking about all this and I just start crying.

yeah i know that feeling.. its why i hate going to sleep every night, because i'm left with my thoughts and nothing to distract me from how shitty things are :/

 

[LuuKyK]

man i dont get this mindset

its a meaningless number

Eh, its not really that important because of the number. It is more like a new incentive to try new things or that its a new beginning or something, haha. Its hard to explain.

 

[Scrow]

Not sure if the following will be of any use to you, but these lessons and thought processes helped me through some rough patches.

I just don't think I can do it anymore.

I'm trying to do something about my life, I really am. I'm trying to make progress. But it seems like fate or luck or whatever has just determined to take away any small amount of progress I make.

the universe is indifferent. fate or luck have no role here. things just happen.

I know I'm supposed to stay positive and keep trying. But this is what it's always been like. This is what's happened over and over again. I try, and I fail. I try, and it looks like I'm going to succeed, but I'm smacked in the face with failure right when everything looks like it's gonna be okay.

There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. We're all just Sisyphus with a boulder to push. For me, part of handling depression was being comfortable with that fact and realising I can choose the boulder i want to push. The struggle never ends, but there are things to enjoy and cherish along the way.

And I see other people who are happy and successful and have nice relationships, and I just don't understand why this universe's governing agent, whatever it may be, won't let me have that.

everyone has their boulder to push. people aren't as happy as they appear. realising that you're all in the same boat helps, because now you're in it together and you can help them and they can help you.

also, there is no governing agent. ego has a role to play here. no one is important enough to have their fate directed towards happiness or misery by an omnipotent being or a universal governing force. more importantly such a being or force simply doesn't exist (as far as we can practically discern in this reality, at this time).

I can't even sleep even though I'm exhausted because every time I stop doing something, I can't stop thinking about all this and I just start crying.

this reality seems cruel and harsh, but it's not. it's indifferent. some find that concept scary, others find it comforting.

there is no inherent meaning to anything. consciousness gives meaning to things. you have the ability to give meaning to things as you see fit.

those are both humbling and empowering thoughts.

It's Just a Ride
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUiwTubYu0

 

[Bagels]

I have about $1100 saved up that I had intended to put towards a car, so yes I should definitely have enough for a decent one. The only problem now is I have no motivation to learn anymore/I just stopped caring (same with basically everything else in life, really).

I was considering the Caribbean for medical school, but I'm just worried about what the cost would be. I'd have to look into financial aid for overseas students assuming I could get accepted (assuming I don't off myself long before I get the chance to apply, or if I feel the same way in the future...).

Start with a ukulele?

 

[Bagels]

Yeah, this year especially has been terrible. Idk, a lot of people I know are having all kinds of problems. And for me the worst is that everything you try end up being unsuccessful, this is really frustrating. 2013 can't come soon enough. Also, I know its hard, but to give up is the worst decision to make. There will be a time when things are going to go the way you want.

PM me for my number if you feel like talking.

 

[abunai]

Ha, you sound a lot like me. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

I'm 23, so kinda young. And you?

 

[Natetan]

Unfortunately, I don't even own a guitar. Someone she knew was lending me theirs so I could learn, but she told them not to bother after a while.

I just have so much damned clothes now I really have almost nothing to wear (if that makes sense). I look into my closet and go "blah, why did I buy this again?" It just doesn't really make any sense anymore (then again, nothing in my life makes sense anymore).

And the thing with post-secondary schooling right now is money issues. My family isn't exactly rich, and school costs money. A lot of money. A lot of money for what seems to be really nothing at this point (Bachelor's are becoming worthless in the real world apparently). And to be honest, right now I have no clue what I want to do in university. I mean, I enjoy biology, but the odds of finding a decent paying job with a Bachelor's of Science in bio if you don't make it into grad/professional school? Nada. This saddens me even more (yes I get sad very easily). People tell me I should major in English or literature, since I find writing to be easy, but it doesn't interest me. It seems like nothing really does. I don't know what I want to do.

I really just don't know what to do with my life at this point. I feel as if I'm making a big deal over nothing; it's just something that everyone has to deal with, but it doesn't make me feel better. I feel even worse considering there's people way worse off than me. I really have no sense of self-worth; I don't feel I deserve to live if this is the mentality I have. I honestly do just feel like crawling somewhere and dying.

Wow man you sound just like me when inwas your age. I screwed my self with bad grades when I got depressed in high school. Then I worked really hard and applied to schools and got rejected from the ones I wanted to go to. I decided to make the best of it, go to a school I didn't like and then try and transfer while getting good grades.

I tried to transfer prob three different times in college, and I never got into a school that I wanted to go to and ended up graduating from my shitty college. And in The US, where you go to college defines every fiber of your being, and there is no avoiding the question, they will drill until they get an answer or think I'm weird when I don't even give hem a clue.

When the other shoe finally dropped and I graduated from the school i hated it really affected me and I haven't fully gotten over it although it doesn't affect so much now. I'll always feel like I have a scarlet letter burned on me though at least when dealing with Americans: no one there will ever accept me because all they see is where I went to college.

I did try and get some other experience and get into a good grad school but that didn't work either and made me extremely depressed. It started to feel like an endless cycle: fueled by optimism I can get into a good school if I work hard And then being completely crushed by some shitty admissions committee rejection letter.

Luckily I have a job I like and a loving relationship, and that keeps me afloat now. I also wonder even if I had gone to a good school or whatever would I be any happier. Maybe I don't want to know the real answer to that. I used to go on these brain drains where I would furiously write out what I would do over again in detail: what summer camp I would have gone to to get into a cetain school etc. it was really pretty bad for a couple of years. I have pretty good peace of mind with my current reality though, and I feel I'm making some progress. This took about 10-15 years to get through mind you.

Anyway I guess try and keep going. I know it's hard not to fall into that catatonic depressed state sometimes, but try and stay positive.dont forget your goals and work at them. Things might take awhile to turn around but it will be worth it when they do.

 

[Collete]

I have about $1100 saved up that I had intended to put towards a car, so yes I should definitely have enough for a decent one. The only problem now is I have no motivation to learn anymore/I just stopped caring (same with basically everything else in life, really).

I was considering the Caribbean for medical school, but I'm just worried about what the cost would be. I'd have to look into financial aid for overseas students assuming I could get accepted (assuming I don't off myself long before I get the chance to apply, or if I feel the same way in the future...).

There has to be something you care about.
I assume you log on here on GAF daily or every other day.
Isn't there some thread (besides this one) that has any interest to you that you want to learn more about?

Well I don't think you'll stay in the current job you have right now forever.
Keep job hunting till you can find something else.
It's tough in today economy, I know.
My aunt who came over looking for work didn't find anything for months.
She eventually found a job, and you'll find a different job later, just keep searching and don't give up.
Save that money for Caribbean medical school and get financial aid and keep working to continue to cover anything financial aid hasn't covered.
I won't guarantee you'll find motivation right now for grades, but if you do go into any college, even community, it's a fresh start for you to get your grades up.

I just don't think I can do it anymore.

I'm trying to do something about my life, I really am. I'm trying to make progress. But it seems like fate or luck or whatever has just determined to take away any small amount of progress I make.

I know I'm supposed to stay positive and keep trying. But this is what it's always been like. This is what's happened over and over again. I try, and I fail. I try, and it looks like I'm going to succeed, but I'm smacked in the face with failure right when everything looks like it's gonna be okay.

And I see other people who are happy and successful and have nice relationships, and I just don't understand why this universe's governing agent, whatever it may be, won't let me have that.

I can't even sleep even though I'm exhausted because every time I stop doing something, I can't stop thinking about all this and I just start crying.

I always feel like this happens to the nicest of people, but never happens to the worst.
Sometimes I don't get it myself, but I do know if people can withstand this, they are truly a strong individual in themselves and eventually something good happens in their life.

It sounds stupid, but just don't give up. I don't know where your life will be heading, but just keep positive even in crappy times, and great things usually happen.

Also, as Scrow said, even the "nice" relationships don't really appear like that on the inside. They have their problems to deal with as well that they rather not get others involved. It's just only difference is, they're facing it together.

I also relate when trying to sleep at night and in a horrible state, I just cry feeling hopeless and useless. It feels lonely when crying by yourself even if you're fortunate to have people in the house with you, it still feels like you're all alone and no one will understand. Even worse since you have stuff to do the next day and it's already 2 am. I find what helps me most in those situations is just to fight against it (even if it seems like you're fighting life and death) and just get up and read something (even if it's late). I think it's better to feel exhausted and not feeling hopeless, than having hopelessness and exhaustion.

 

[KevinCow]

the universe is indifferent. fate or luck have no role here. things just happen.

Logically, I understand that fate and luck are magical concepts that couldn't really exist.

Realistically, though, I look at my life and the things that have happened to me, and I can't think of any way to explain it except that I'm just abnormally unfortunate. And it's not that I've only noticed the bad things, because other people have even commented on how bad my luck is.

A story that I think does a great job at illustrating this:

Elementary school. Fifth or sixth grade.

I've mentioned before that I was not the most popular kid in school. So when the popular kids were playing a game on the bus and decided to include me, what, was I gonna say no?

They dared me to throw an apple out the window.

I figured this wouldn't be a very big deal. After all, they regularly threw stuff out the window trying to hit cars. And they often did. Nothing had ever happened. And even if I did hit a car by accident, it was just an apple. I was sure it wouldn't do any damage.

So I did it, specifically trying not to hit a car. But after I threw it, a car came out of nowhere and the apple smacked into it.

The car did a goddamn powerslide 180 (my brain may be embellishing this part) and pulled the bus over. Of all the things that had been thrown out the bus window, all the cars that had been hit by those things, nothing like this had ever happened before. Not until the one and only time I did it.

Dude boarded the bus, demanded to know who threw the apple. I admitted I did it because I'm honest to a fault and I was pretty sure the other kids would've ratted me out anyway. Got written up and suspended from the bus for a month.

I was always a perfectly good kid on the bus. I'd just sit there quietly and read a book or play my Gameboy. Then the one time I try to make friends with the other kids and do what they're doing, it goes about as horribly as it possibly could have gone. That is my luck.

 

[heidern]

I was always a perfectly good kid on the bus. I'd just sit there quietly and read a book or play my Gameboy. Then the one time I try to make friends with the other kids and do what they're doing, it goes about as horribly as it possibly could have gone. That is my luck.

Sorry to give a dose of reality, but the problem isn't your luck, the problem is you and the way you handle things. What happened was actually the best thing that possibly could have happened. People like it when someone stands out. Everyone would have felt hugely positive towards you at that point.

Seriously, who would want to make friends with some anti-social kid that's playing on his Gameboy or reading some stupid book? They gave you an opening and yeah you had the guts to step up and go along with the game(even if it is stupid in adult tinted hindsight), but just because you do something cool doesn't make you cool. Instead of capitalising on it and being cool with what you had done you probably went back into your shell, being anti-social. feeling ashamed, giving off negative vibes. They would have wanted to call you a fucking legend but when they see you sulking they'll judge you as a loser, because that's what you project.

However you are an adult now so you are now more aware of the issues in your life and better able to take responsibility and do something about it. Lost your job, well official advise is that you should be applying for at least 15 jobs a week and then you have a good chance of getting somewhere. Also look at improving your CV, maybe do some voluntary work to boost it. Rejected by a girl, well keep approaching girls and then eventually you'll get girls that are interested in your approach. Keep getting rejected, well improve your approach, get a makeover, study fashion and continually improve your wardrobe, develop your social skills, try new things, go travelling, take a drama class etc etc etc.

You don't have to wait for luck to make things go you way. You can make things happen. You can do things every day to work towards you goals. Over a period of years, you can literally do thousands of things. The sheer weight of that will easily counter the odd bit of bad luck.

 

[BruiserBear]

Logically, I understand that fate and luck are magical concepts that couldn't really exist.

Realistically, though, I look at my life and the things that have happened to me, and I can't think of any way to explain it except that I'm just abnormally unfortunate. And it's not that I've only noticed the bad things, because other people have even commented on how bad my luck is.

A story that I think does a great job at illustrating this:

Elementary school. Fifth or sixth grade.

I've mentioned before that I was not the most popular kid in school. So when the popular kids were playing a game on the bus and decided to include me, what, was I gonna say no?

They dared me to throw an apple out the window.

I figured this wouldn't be a very big deal. After all, they regularly threw stuff out the window trying to hit cars. And they often did. Nothing had ever happened. And even if I did hit a car by accident, it was just an apple. I was sure it wouldn't do any damage.

So I did it, specifically trying not to hit a car. But after I threw it, a car came out of nowhere and the apple smacked into it.

The car did a goddamn powerslide 180 (my brain may be embellishing this part) and pulled the bus over. Of all the things that had been thrown out the bus window, all the cars that had been hit by those things, nothing like this had ever happened before. Not until the one and only time I did it.

Dude boarded the bus, demanded to know who threw the apple. I admitted I did it because I'm honest to a fault and I was pretty sure the other kids would've ratted me out anyway. Got written up and suspended from the bus for a month.

I was always a perfectly good kid on the bus. I'd just sit there quietly and read a book or play my Gameboy. Then the one time I try to make friends with the other kids and do what they're doing, it goes about as horribly as it possibly could have gone. That is my luck.

The fact that this story stick out to you years later, and you still cite it to this day an example of your "bad luck" tells me you definitely focus on the negatives far more than you do the positives. If that's your example of "bad luck" than you've lived a pretty fortunate life.

As far as I'm concerned that's a pretty funny childhood story. Not an example of a man who's life has been cursed. lol

 

[KevinCow]

Sorry to give a dose of reality, but the problem isn't your luck, the problem is you and the way you handle things. What happened was actually the best thing that possibly could have happened. People like it when someone stands out. Everyone would have felt hugely positive towards you at that point.

Seriously, who would want to make friends with some anti-social kid that's playing on his Gameboy or reading some stupid book? They gave you an opening and yeah you had the guts to step up and go along with the game(even if it is stupid in adult tinted hindsight), but just because you do something cool doesn't make you cool. Instead of capitalising on it and being cool with what you had done you probably went back into your shell, being anti-social. feeling ashamed, giving off negative vibes. They would have wanted to call you a fucking legend but when they see you sulking they'll judge you as a loser, because that's what you project.

So basically what you're saying is that it's all my fault that other kids made fun of me because I tried not to be a disruptive distraction to the bus driver, and it's all my fault that I got in trouble because I was a good, honest person and admitted that I'd done something wrong.

Gee thanks. You've only reinforced my belief that my conscience and empathy for others has done nothing but doom me to failure.

 

[lunch]

So basically what you're saying is that it's all my fault that other kids made fun of me because I tried not to be a disruptive distraction to the bus driver, and it's all my fault that I got in trouble because I was a good, honest person and admitted that I'd done something wrong.

Gee thanks. You've only reinforced my belief that my conscience and empathy for others has done nothing but doom me to failure.

I certainly have similar school stories that I constantly go back to and feel awful about, generally because they reflect a part of me that's still present years later, and I imagine that that story is the same for you. Dwelling on things that are decades old isn't healthy though, and using those stories to exemplify who you are today makes it even more difficult to change as a person as you're still caught up on who you were as a child. I agree with BruiserBear that you just need to take a step back and realize that outside of your own internal logic, the story should be taken more as an unfortunate anecdote than much else, because it sounds like the issue has less to do with the events and more to do with your perception of them.

 

[Out of Working Order]

Idiots target people that are quiet and mind their own business. It's been that way in my experience.

I've had things thrown at me when I was on the college bus, simply because I sat alone.

 

[Collete]

I want to add that it was an unfortunate event, but that does not necessarily make it your fault.
(An important lesson to take from that is to think carefully before acting)
However, it's important to not continuously think about these events.
Like lunch, I also had similar stories in school that were pretty stupid/horrible events, but it's important to move on from them and realize, it's the past.
I tend to react physically when those events come in my head by twitching and they usually go away. (It's weird, I don't know why it works like that for me)

 

[lunch]

He was talking about Heidern, not Bruiserbear, I believe.


I want to add that it was an unfortunate event, but that does not necessarily make it your fault.
However, it's important to not continuously think about these events.
Like lunch, I also had similar stories in school that were pretty stupid/horrible events, but it's important to move on from them and realize, it's the past.
I tend to react physically when those events come in my head by twitching and they usually go away. (It's weird, I don't know why it works like that for me)

Yep. I don't know what I was doing; I edited my post.

I've mostly just corrected those events by acting differently in other situations. I have a few things that still bother me (I still remember being reprimanded by my teacher in second grade for talking because it was so jarring at the time) that I can't easily correct, but I need to push those things out of my head. That's obviously easier said than done.

 

[KevinCow]

The point isn't that that story scarred me for life or whatever.

The point is that I try to live my life by the golden rule. I try to treat others with the kindness that I'd like to receive. I like to be good and honest and helpful. I'm not perfect, but I at least try.

And yet I have never seen any sort of advantage to this kind of behavior, all while I have watched people do things that I would consider immoral and inconsiderate and succeed for it and never suffer repercussions.

On the rare occasion that I do try to step out of my "be a good person" philosophy and take a chance, two things invariably happen:

1) I get caught. It doesn't matter if everyone else has been doing it forever and nobody before me has been caught or punished. I will be the one who gets caught and punished.

2) My conscience makes me feel immensely guilty about whatever wrong I have committed, and I often cannot let go of that guilt for years.

It's a constant inner struggle for me. I want things, but I want to get them the right way. I wish I had some sort of external benefit, external assurance that despite the setbacks, I'm doing something right, that being kind and honest and good and trying to put others ahead of myself is the correct thing to do, despite the universe repeatedly telling me otherwise. But all I have is myself, and my extremely judgmental conscience that doesn't ever shut up when I step out of line.

 

[Surface of Me]

My thoughts range from "Yeah, life is going pretty fine" to "Why dont I just kill myself?". They constantly change within the same day too, these mood swings really fucking suck. I'm in the latter right now.

 

[Prez]

The point isn't that that story scarred me for life or whatever.

The point is that I try to live my life by the golden rule. I try to treat others with the kindness that I'd like to receive. I like to be good and honest and helpful. I'm not perfect, but I at least try.

And yet I have never seen any sort of advantage to this kind of behavior, all while I have watched people do things that I would consider immoral and inconsiderate and succeed for it and never suffer repercussions.

On the rare occasion that I do try to step out of my "be a good person" philosophy and take a chance, two things invariably happen:

1) I get caught. It doesn't matter if everyone else has been doing it forever and nobody before me has been caught or punished. I will be the one who gets caught and punished.

2) My conscience makes me feel immensely guilty about whatever wrong I have committed, and I often cannot let go of that guilt for years.

It's a constant inner struggle for me. I want things, but I want to get them the right way. I wish I had some sort of external benefit, external assurance that despite the setbacks, I'm doing something right, that being kind and honest and good and trying to put others ahead of myself is the correct thing to do, despite the universe repeatedly telling me otherwise. But all I have is myself, and my extremely judgmental conscience that doesn't ever shut up when I step out of line.

Could you give some examples of immoral things you've been punished for?

Keep being a good person, it will pay off. Someday it will give you something that most people will never have and that's inner peace. Make sure that when you get old you can look back and not have any regrets unlike most people.

Also if you can manage to see the beauty of life despite all the problems you have, you'll realize you have the potential to become happier than everyone else. You'll be seeing a beauty in life that most others are blind to. Wouldn't you agree that a flower blooming in the middle of a desert is much more special and awe-inspiring than the same flower in an entire field of flowers?

 

[goodfella]

I'm 23, so kinda young. And you?

19. In my best years apparently.

 

[Admiral Bone to Pick]

19. In my best years apparently.

Not really. Studies have shown that your self-esteem is just about the lowest it will ever be during your later teenage/college years.

So don't believe all the BS about your best years and just try to make the best decisions you can. It's tough.

 

[Windam]

Anyway I guess try and keep going. I know it's hard not to fall into that catatonic depressed state sometimes, but try and stay positive.dont forget your goals and work at them. Things might take awhile to turn around but it will be worth it when they do.

That's what I had sort of been doing last year instead of giving up completely, but my mental state is so messed up right now that my brain can barely retain/understand knowledge it should be able to.

There has to be something you care about.

The one "thing" I can say I do care about is my best friend. When I began to slump into my depressed state last year she was the only one to notice and she refused to let me completely shut myself in like I wanted to (she can or at least did understand). The only reason I'm still alive right now is because she stopped me from going through with actually committing suicide. Our relationship right now, however, is basically... non-existent.

 

[Scrow]

Then the one time I try to make friends with the other kids and do what they're doing, it goes about as horribly as it possibly could have gone. That is my luck.

whenever i think that i'm having a bad day or that i have the worst luck i remember this man's story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdBJ1X33rXM (probably not the best video for a thread about depression. prepare for tears. stick with it till 7:25... that's the part i want people to see)

and then i remind myself that it's not even the worst kind of story

 

[Windam]

whenever i think that i'm having a bad day or that i have the worst luck i remember this man's story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdBJ1X33rXM (probably not the best video for a thread about depression. prepare for tears. stick with it till 7:25... that's the part i want people to see)

and then i remind myself that it's not even the worst kind of story

Holy shit. That's the saddest thing I've seen in months. I've been trying to avoid shit like this but I just couldn't close the window. I really wish I could just think all this shit away.

 

[Revoh]

Damn, prepare to cry indeed

 

[heidern]

So basically what you're saying is that it's all my fault that other kids made fun of me because I tried not to be a disruptive distraction to the bus driver

No, they made fun of you because they were insecure and deficient in their morality. They targeted you instead of someone else for a variety of reasons, many of which are largely related to the limitations in your social skills and your anti-social behaviour.

and it's all my fault that I got in trouble because I was a good, honest person and admitted that I'd done something wrong.

You were honest but you weren't 'good' seeing as you did something wrong.

Gee thanks. You've only reinforced my belief that my conscience and empathy for others has done nothing but doom me to failure.

Throwing the apple wasn't really in tune with your conscience. You may have had empathy for bus driver, but you didn't have empathy for the other kids. They wanted a fun social environment, you were dragging the vibe down by being anti-social and giving anti-social body language and facial expressions. Reading your book was selfish, it wasn't immoral or criminal, but it didn't provide a positive contribution. Morality isn't just about avoiding the bad, it's also about maximising the good. There's more for you to do in terms of the latter.

...I have watched people do things that I would consider immoral and inconsiderate and succeed for it and never suffer repercussions.

Envy is one of the seven sins You shouldn't compare yourself to others. Unless perhaps you be fair about comparisons and also compare yourself to the 3 year old kid that dies of malnutrition.

You also make a big assumption that people don't suffer repercussions. You're not the only one with a conscience. All these immoral people will be harbouring guilt for what they have done. They may be corrupt enough to carry on in that direction and even successfully suppress the guilt. However it will remanifest itself in the form of low self-esteem and insecurity. Either way, they lose no matter what material gains they may make.

It's a constant inner struggle for me. I want things, but I want to get them the right way. I wish I had some sort of external benefit, external assurance that despite the setbacks, I'm doing something right, that being kind and honest and good and trying to put others ahead of myself is the correct thing to do

This reveals a flaw in your moral philosophy. You should do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing. If you're doing moral things for material gain, well then it's fake. You put too much weight in external validation. Don't worry about what other people are doing or thinking or gaining. You speak about being kind to others but you are not kind to yourself. Set yourself some achievable targets with a reasonable timeframe and steadily work towards them and enjoy the process of working towards them.

 

[Agent Cooper]

No one would ever want someone as fucked up as me.

 

[Windam]

No one would ever want someone as fucked up as me.

Care to elaborate? Don't worry, I know the feeling.

 

[Agent Cooper]

Care to elaborate? Don't worry, I know the feeling.

I can't control my feelings at all. It's ended multiple relationships and people tell me they just flat out don't want to "deal" with me anymore.

I'm just sick of trying with people.

And i don't even know what's wrong with me.

 

[Windam]

I can't control my feelings at all. It's ended multiple relationships and people tell me they just flat out don't want to "deal" with me anymore.

I'm just sick of trying with people.

And i don't even know what's wrong with me.

You aren't alone in this regard. I'm pretty much the same way, and though it hasn't ended any romantic relationships (if that's what you're talking about... but yeah the only one I was ever close to having blew up less than two weeks into it, which fucking sucked since it was something that seemed like it would work out perfectly), it has led to me withdrawing and cutting ties with many people. People haven't said that to me outright, but their actions have proved as much.

You have the same mentality that I do (and I've pretty much always had). I suppose the "remind yourself that there's someone out there that's perfect for you" schtick won't work (can't blame you), but try not to dwell on it too much.

I'm sorry. I'm fucking awful at this.

 

[Uchip]

I can't control my feelings at all. It's ended multiple relationships and people tell me they just flat out don't want to "deal" with me anymore.

I'm just sick of trying with people.

And i don't even know what's wrong with me.

at least you had relationships
im completely incapable

 

[Agent Cooper]

You aren't alone in this regard. I'm pretty much the same way, and though it hasn't ended any romantic relationships (if that's what you're talking about... but yeah the only one I was ever close to having blew up less than two weeks into it), it has led to me withdrawing and cutting ties with many people. People haven't said that to me outright, but their actions have proved as much.

You have the same mentality that I do (and I've pretty much always had). I suppose the "remind yourself that there's someone out there that's perfect for you" schtick won't work (can't blame you), but try not to dwell on it too much.

I'm sorry. I'm fucking awful at this.

No, you aren't. Better than any advice or comfort i could give. It's a comfort to know I'm not alone.

It's just so frustrating.

 

[Windam]

No, you aren't. Better than any advice or comfort i could give. It's a comfort to know I'm not alone.

It's just so frustrating.

It really is.

Though just know you're never alone. (Now if only I could convince myself the same thing. I genuinely do feel alone.)

 

[Agent Cooper]

It really is.

Though just know you're never alone. (Now if only I could convince myself the same thing. I genuinely do feel alone.)

Well, you have me. in a way

 

[Windam]

Well, you have me. in a way

Haha and you me. If everything else fails, we can be lonely together.

Anything else got you down?

 

[Agent Cooper]

Haha and you me. If everything else fails, we can be lonely together.

Anything else got you down?

And not really, besides my usual up and down feelings.

 

[Leeness]

No one would ever want someone as fucked up as me.

Same <3 don't worry, we're together haha.

At least you had some! I've never had one. Oh well. I can't see myself ever being uncrazy enough to have a relationship. Alone is how I'm meant to be

 

[Agent Cooper]

Same <3 don't worry, we're together haha.

At least you had some! I've never had one. Oh well. I can't see myself ever being uncrazy enough to have a relationship. Alone is how I'm meant to be

We'll all be alone together.

 

[Windam]

We'll all be alone together.

I'm not cut out for that life. Fuck it, I just don't think I'm cut out for life at all. Some people just weren't meant to be happy. I happen to be one of those people.

 

[Agent Cooper]

I'm not cut out for that life. Fuck it, I just don't think I'm cut out for life at all. Some people just weren't meant to be happy. I happen to be one of those people.

*hugs*

 

[Windam]

*hugs*

I really could use one of those right now. I don't remember the last time I actually had a genuine, caring hug with someone. (It all adds to my belief that no one gives a shit, or at least no one is capable of seeing through the facade I put up. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.)

I'm sorry, guys. I'm a fucking train wreck.

 

[Collete]

The one "thing" I can say I do care about is my best friend. When I began to slump into my depressed state last year she was the only one to notice and she refused to let me completely shut myself in like I wanted to (she can or at least did understand). The only reason I'm still alive right now is because she stopped me from going through with actually committing suicide. Our relationship right now, however, is basically... non-existent.

May I ask what happened?

I really could use one of those right now. I don't remember the last time I actually had a genuine, caring hug with someone. (It all adds to my belief that no one gives a shit, or at least no one is capable of seeing through the facade I put up. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.)

I'm sorry, guys. I'm a fucking train wreck.

I know I haven't been the most helping person, but I do care about you as well.
*pats back*
Please don't forget that.

 

[Oxn]

Instead of moping about your depression why dont you talk about ways you can try and fix it, or ways you have attemptted to.

 

[KevinCow]

The one "thing" I can say I do care about is my best friend. When I began to slump into my depressed state last year she was the only one to notice and she refused to let me completely shut myself in like I wanted to (she can or at least did understand). The only reason I'm still alive right now is because she stopped me from going through with actually committing suicide. Our relationship right now, however, is basically... non-existent.

I wish I had friends like that.

Unfortunately, my friends only ever exist in my life if I call them up or just show up at their houses to drag them out to do things.

I accepted that they're just introverts a long time ago. But it sure would be nice to have that friend who got excited about me and called me up when he really wanted to do something. Maybe only once or twice in the time that I've known them have they been the ones who called me and said, "Hey Kevin, let's do something fun!"

As it stands, if I died, my friends probably wouldn't find out for a couple of months.