*Note*
Before I continue, I always have to preface my blogs by saying that I do them in one complete sitting without pause. It is a personal blog and I use it as a tool to look introspectively on my journey.
Why I didn't deserve to win TI2:
Back in 2012, compLexity was a very successful team. Consistently ranked highly, taking tournaments and our team felt great. Our greatest moment before TI2, would've been during our bootcamp where we were crowned champions of The Defense 2. This, in our minds, marked a major stepping stone into proving our strength as a team to the Western Scene. Utilizing that momentum, our team underwent a relatively arduous practice schedule. Our practice had given us a lot of confidence because our win rates were through the roof and our play was solid. Surely, we thought, our dreams to make a top 3 finish at TI2 could be actualized. Here was where I was wrong.
On paper, yes, it seemed like we had every reason to succeed. However, there is so much more that goes into success that is even beyond the game itself. I strongly believe that everything we are in life comes full circle, even when it comes to professional gaming. Being capable of winning and being deserving of winning are two completely different things. This is why I didn't deserve to win TI2.
The Truth:
Honestly, I felt alone. In my last blog I talked about how I separated myself from my friends and my social groups. Most of us know this quote, "Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room?" That was it.
I felt weak, my body wasn't physically active and the only exercise I got was mental exercise. I didn't feel healthy, both physically and mentally. I didn't feel happy, only in those moments of triumph did I feel a mild complacency. I was always unhappy with our results or strategies no matter what our results with them were. I was always searching for the "new" thing and "innovating". I was obsessed with the idea of "different". The main reason why was because it granted me momentary happiness because I was validation seeking. I liked the praise and the recognition so much so that it drove my every thought and action. I wanted to be special...
Realistically and embarrassingly, I was depressed; Depressed and unwilling to acknowledge it.
DotA can often be an escape, for me it was:
"All people operate from the same two motivations: to fulfill their desires and to escape their suffering"