So I bought this game last night, started off as an elven mage and ticked through dialogue of a story that doesn't mean anything and started trying to adapt to an ambitious but only barely unusable control scheme. Why there aren't even options to, say, increase A/D turnspeed, or get rid of click-and-go controls so I could move the camera without waiting for the right click to register is beyond me.
Still, it's enjoyable enough that I've managed to play for a few hours in a row. At this point I reach the tower that I'm supposed to climb in order to light a beacon (what, the enormous army of fucking orcs wouldn't be enough of a signal?).
I get inside. Immediately, I walk into a room where ten enemies have bottlenecked me into a trap, splash damage my entire party with fire, and are taking me down at a range. Ok. I try it again. I elude the trap by walking two feet to the side (great games play off of what the player couldn't possibly know, remember), then my twat allies rush off to completely different areas of the room all dying quicker than I could try healing them. Where are you going? If you're all going to attack different people we might as well be in four rooms fighting three times as many people on our own. Changing their gambits doesn't do anything, they still rush off to fight whoever the hell they want, which is
always the stupidest possible target.
So by my tenth try I'm raging pretty hard. I'm basically if you took that angry german kid and stuffed him into a stovetop tea kettle and tossed it into a volcano. I alt-f4, hit some things, call the developers idiots, go downstairs and start boiling some water. The answering machine is beeping, and that one really pisses me off because of how idiotic it is from a practical standpoint. If I want to know if I have messages, I'll look at the number on the screen. I don't need this shit beeping every ten seconds because I didn't feel like picking up the phone because I was doing something worthwhile at the time. Do answering machine makers have nothing better to do? I look into the freezer, find what I thought were some frozen burritos.
I can't find a picture of it, but the Gillen collard green package looks just like it from the bottom. Anyway.
I take the package out, but then EVERYTHING else falls out too, like normal. After a few minutes of struggling with the shit I start throwing it all. Now the collard greens explode all over the kitchen floor. FUCK. I throw all the chairs out of the room, grab the minivac and try scooping it up. What do we have this thing for? I toss it, it breaks. USELESS. I run upstairs for the full-size vacuum, but it still doesn't do anything. What the fuck are vacuums for? Why would we pay a company for a vacuum that doesn't PICK SHIT UP?
So now I'm resorting to picking all this crap up with my hands and a paper towel, but may hair's getting in the way all the time so I frantically search my room for a tie. I used to have a full package of these things, but they've individually been lost over the months. What happens to them? Where do they go? There's just my room and the car. Those are the only possible locations for them to be. I fell asleep wearing one last night. I can't find any, so now I'm just screaming harder. Yeah, I've been screeching my damned throat out this entire time. It's not as bad as when I do it in a car, since the rooms are bigger than a car and it doesn't echo as much, but I'm still simultaneously making myself mute and deaf throughout the entire escapade.
I jump back downstairs, start banging on things again. Hit a doorway, it slides out of place. What the fuck is this shit? If I can just punch the house down why are we living in it? Useless house. Out of lack of any better idea I run back to my room and start ransacking it. There's one right under an open magazine, I howl some more on my knees.
Back down. Sponge. Garbage. Collard greens. Throw my shoes. The minvac's still broken, I don't know what I'll do about that. I'm drinking the tea right now while I'm typing this, it's terrible. It's what happens when you pour the tea into the cup with the bag when it's not hot enough I guess, or maybe I put too much milk in. I finished a carton of milk with this pour, so that's probably what happened. Milk carton manufacturers need to account for this.
A vacuum was destroyed, a doorway was dislodged, and an entire pound of collard greens was thrown in the trash because some dickweeds couldn't balance a game. I hope you're happy, Bioware.
