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[White Man]

Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror naked, imaging what I’d look like if my lower half were replaced by the hind end of a fish. What sort of fish would I be? Black Sea bass? African Lungfish? Crayfish? Well, I guess a crayfish aren’t technically a real fish, but I’m rather fond of them. Not eating them or anything. I assure you our relationship is purely platonic.

Naturally, my research led me to a fast food establishment, to partake of their fish fillets. Images of mermaids swimming joyfully in a deep fryer playfully crossed my mind as I worked my way to the conclusion that I don’t like eating fish that much. And fried, no less. I try to lead a healthy life here. You have to take care of yourself if you, dear reader, want to be as good looking and sexually vigorous as myself. I settled on a hamburger.

I sat down at a table and ate my meal. How humble I felt, eating with the common people. I’m sure if any of them mustered the courage to talk to me, they would be blinded by my erudition and brilliance; a brilliance so bubbly and effervescent that the dentures of nearby elderly are scrubbed clean by it.

While lost in my musings, I failed to notice that this particular hamburger was infested by cheese. Flashbacks of the aftermath of an episode involving whole milk in coffee crashed into my head. It would not be a good night for me or my toilet.

After realizing the magnitude of the approaching gastrointestinal disaster, I shambled to the girl working the nearest cash register and demanded some sort of restitution for the pain caused by the lack of competence among her fellow fast-food employees. I am a dues paying member of the ACLU! It is my right to not have cheese inadvertently placed on my hamburgers. Yes, my friends, it was time to get lawyered up.

From On the Sexiness of Mermaids

 

[Property of Jumpship]

:lol :lol :lol :lol

Holy crap.

 

[COCKLES]

White Man = GAF's Oscar Wilde.

 

[fart]

you know you could submit to radio

 

[Manabanana]

Awesome. If I had a publishing company...It makes little sense, but damned if it isn't hilarious.

 

[Socreges]

I don't think entertaining arrogance ("masterpiece") works for you. Only members like Matlock and MAF can act full of themselves because you know deep down it's only self-contempt.

I really liked the dentures part.

 

[White Man]

I don't think entertaining arrogance ("masterpiece") works for you. Only members like Matlock and MAF can act full of themselves because you know deep down it's only self-contempt.

I really liked the dentures part.

You have no idea how fun it is to write like this, though.

There's a co-piece written in a similar style titled 2 Out of 3 Kids That Smoke Probably Wear Abercrombie and Fitch and May Die Prematurely. That's not quite ready for show yet.

I got some feedback on the one I posted above, so I'm cleaning it up now.

 

[Fresh Prince]

Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror naked, imaging what I’d look like if my lower half were replaced by the hind end of a fish. What sort of fish would I be? Black Sea bass? African Lungfish? Crayfish? Well, I guess a crayfish aren’t technically a real fish, but I’m rather fond of them. Not eating them or anything. I assure you our relationship is purely platonic.

Oh no another furry!

 

[Socreges]

You have no idea how fun it is to write like this, though.

No, the style is great. I'd like to try that myself (to whatever success). I was just kidding around about the topic.

 

[Mama Smurf]

I liked it a lot up to here:

Yes, my friends, it was time to get lawyered up.

Lawyered up felt out of place to me. But then I couldn't write as well as you so you'd have to question whether anything I could say is actually worth paying attention to. Well it's up to you, it's just my view.

 

[Dilbert]

It reads like Jarvis Cocker heavily medicated...and that's not a bad thing.

Good stuff!

 

[Fifty]

I liked it a lot up to here:



Lawyered up felt out of place to me. But then I couldn't write as well as you so you'd have to question whether anything I could say is actually worth paying attention to. Well it's up to you, it's just my view.

I agree. It was good though. Keep it up

 

[TheQueen'sOwn]

:lol
Yes, my friends, it was time to consult the local practitioners of law!

Ah hell I don't know :lol. What you wrote is great!

 

[Chipopo]

a brilliance so bubbly and effervescent that the dentures of nearby elderly are scrubbed clean by it.

:lol Great stuff!

 

[Jim Bowie]

It's an entertaining narrative, and I like the sort of rambling style.

What's the novel about? I mean, if it's to be a novel.

 

[nitewulf]

yep, definitely entertaining, very british if you will.

 

[Litigation Manuel]

I personally liked the "lawyered up", mostly because verbing words is great. Keep up the work, post more.

 

[Chony]

Awesome, I want to read more. I want to write too.

 

[Atrex]

I agree great stuff, it flows really well even with the complicated wordings...good work.

Misaligned malignant marigolds marched miraculously maiming my magenta maramalade marvelously martrying march's malnurished mammogram..lol some alliteration off the top of my head writing when your not forced to can be fun.

 

[Justin Bailey]

When I was reading this I pictured stewey saying it, makes it that much better :lol