*We will return to Survivor: Detroit after this important announcement from the President of the United States*
Ladies and gentlemen of these United States: I, your president, President Donald J. Trump, have an important announcement.
As many of you know, the other day, my ex-great friend Vladimir Putin decided to start a war with America when he called me a "manpeeg vith tiny beebee hands" or whatever. I can't do the accent. It's a stupid accent. He insulted me, right? He insulted the President of America. And you know what? That makes him a liar. He's a liar and he talks funny and he's got a big stupid face. He's a liar because my hands are fantastic, okay? They're big, and strong, and very very nice.
So he's a liar and he refused to apologize. Like a baby. That's right, he's the baby. Only babies refuse to apologize, because they can't talk, okay? He can talk. He talks all the time with that stupid accent, okay? So he wouldn't apologize. Which left me with no choice. I launched the nukes. I launched all the nukes. All of 'em. I only wanted to launch one, but my hands are so big that they pressed all the buttons at once. Could someone with small hands press all the buttons at once?
But don't worry--stop worrying. We're gonna go out in the biggest, most luxurious mushroom cloud you've ever seen, okay? We're gonna--
*Transmission ends*