XPW, "FREEFALL", 2002.02.23
Grand Olympic Auditorium, L.A.
Show starts with the standard warning about not copying the "highly-skilled wrestlers" who will be "performing complex and dangerous manuevers" this evening. If anyone watched an XPW tape and then tried to copy what they had seen, that's just natural selection at work, as far as I'm concerned.
XPW commentator douche Kris Kloss intros the show. Seems this tape is only an hour long, so everything will be blessedly clipped short.
Kaos (c) vs Angel vs Chris Hamrick vs ??? - XPW TV Title Gauntlet Match
Right off the bat, I'm reminded how offensively bad XPW commentary is, let alone the actual wrestling. Not entirely awful chain wrestling to get things started, Kaos and Angel going through the basics before Kaos powerbombs Angel for 2. Angel goes for a crossbody, but gets caught into a powerslam. DVD from Kaos, Angel kicks out at 2, lol. Superkick from Angel, followed by a big plancha to the floor. Angel with one of the worst moves I've ever seen, see gif no. 1. Kaos pays him back by spiking him on his fucking head with a crucifix dropped into a piledriver. Fuck. Chris Hamrick's out next, the commentator pops, but the crowd doesn't. Criss cross off the ropes, Hamrick dropkicks the knee out. They trade armdrags. We cut to Hamrick doing the '1-2-3 Kid flies through the ropes' bump, badly. He lands right on his ass. He gets back up on the apron and Kaos kicks him back to the floor, Hamrick taking a frontflip to the concrete. Kaos goes for a chair and charges, but Hamrick drop toehold's him into the ring apron. Hamrick does a shitty coast to coast. Leg drop off the top for 2.9. Superplex from Hamrick for another 2. Vertical suplex into a neckbreaker, but the ref's distracted by Kaos manager. Kaos his the Kaostrophy off the top and wins the match. Apparently NOSAWA appeared after this, but we're not shown that for some reason. That match largely sucked. Hamrick was the best wrestler of the 3, which should tell you something.
Johnny Webb (c) vs GQ Money - XPW World Heavyweight Title Match
Webb does his goofy nunchuck routine, but GQ sends him to the floor with a springboard dropkick. GQ drapes him over the ropes and goes up top, he walks the ropes and drops an elbow for a 2-count. GQ argues with the ref, but Webb takes him out with a heel kick to the back of the head. Tilt-a-whirl slam from Webb. Side Russian legsweep into some shitty submission. Money makes it to the ropes. Kicks and goofy 'martial arts' strikes from Webb. The crowd is entirely silent except for one dude shouting "BORING!". GQ hits some shitty facebuster off the rop ropes. Shitty 'martial arts' exchange. Man, this is so fucking bad. Scoop slam, followed by a spinning legdrop off the top that sees GQ land knees first. Dumbass. Muscle buster from Webb. Sort-of blackhole slam from Webb, but he pulls GQ up before the 3-count and locks on a rear naked choke. GQ taps. That, was so intently bad. There wasn't even anything worth gif'ing.
Supreme (c) vs The Sandman - XPW King of the Deathmatch Title Match
We start with Supreme on the mic. He shits all over guys like Konnan, Vampiro and Sabu who only come to XPW "for the money". Sandman comes out, surprisingly coherent, and says Supreme is a "whore for these stupid fans' money!". Spot on. Sandman says Supreme's a mark for himself and shitty deathmatch wrestling. Sandman disavows hardcore wrestling and says "I don't need this shit", throwing his cane into the ring. "I'm a superstar, I can WRESTLE!!". Supreme wants to know if Sandman still has some balls, so he challenges him to a deathmatch. Sandman accepts and this shit is on like Donkey Kong. Snapmare from Sandman into a chinlock. Lol, the crowd are fucking hating this. Non-hardcore Sandman trolling deathmatch fans is just marvelous. Supreme gets to the ropes. They lock up, Sandman almost gets backed into the barbed wire and slides out of the ring. He gets back in, but Supreme hip tosses him into one of the barbed wire boards. Supreme puts Sandman's forehead into the bed of nails. Sandman goes to the floor. Baseball slide from Supreme and Sandman rolls onto a barbed wire table at ringside. Supreme comes off the top, but Sandman moves out of the way! Sort of. Supreme blades in full view of the camera. Sandman misses a splash back in the ring and Supreme hits an ugly belly-to-belly. The ref & Supreme put the big tray of thumbtacks are put over a some chairs. He weakly slams Sandman into the tacks and goes up top. He does the Sabu pose, because he's a dick, but Kaos and some other goons come out to attack him. They hit some AWFUL 3-man cutter thing into the tacks and Sandman pins Supreme to win the title. LOL.
Lizzy Borden vs Veronica Caine - Butt Naked Match
Oh, great. Here's Rob Black, huge scumbag, to cut a promo. He's banning Kaos and his shitty stable from ringside. Black makes this a "Lumberjack Butt Naked Match", so there's wrestlers at ringside with paddels to "pound the girl's fuckin' asses". Black tries to explain this to NOSAWA by going "OOKA-BAKA-BAKA-JAP". Classy. Caine wants no part of Lizzy, but she doesn't want her ass paddled either. Shoulder block from Lizzy, before she just rubs her tits all over Veronica's face. Shitty, shitty spear from Lizzy. Veronica is stripped to her bra, then Caine rips Lizzy's top off. Veronica manages to unhook Lizzy's bra, but she covers up and some other broad invades the ring to pull Caine's pants off. Lizzy and the new broad are about to strip Veronica butt naked in the midde of the ring, but the lights go out! OMG!! IT'S STING!! Lol, not really. Veronica used the "technical malfunction" to escape the ring with (most of) her clothes still on. XPW flash up some text; "THAT WAS BULLSHIT! THE LIVE AUDIENCE GOT SCREWED, BUT XPW HOME VIDEO DELIVERS!", and then we're treated to a montage of Lizzy Borden's softcore pornos. Totally unarousing, especially when you remember that she's married to Rob Black, and a good indication of XPW's target demographic.
Vic Grimes vs New Jack - Freefall Scaffold Match
Here we go, one of the dumbest matches in not only XPW, but in wrestling history. New Jack's on the mic and says he'll quit wrestling if he can't beat Grimes and that "one of us motherfucker's ain't walking out of here tonight". LOL, some fan front row asks Grimes to gig his forehead, then flips him off when Grimes ignored him. XPW fans. New Jack wastes no time, choking Grimes with a chain and then hitting him over the head with a keyboard. The commentator notes that it's almost 1am, so the fans have been watching this shit for FIVE HOURS. Fuck. Jack forks Grimes in the forehead and, again, the cameraman does his best to catch Grimes blading. Jack breaks a crutch over Vic's back, but Grimes takes him down with a low blow. Pizza cutter to New Jack's forehead. Jack blades and then retreats to the floor. They trade punches in the crowd, until Jack grabs a flail of barbedwire and whips the shit out of Grimes. More obvious blading. Grimes starts to climb the scaffold. New Jack, on the opposite side, also climbs. They get up top and have some awkward exchanges, before New Jack pulls out an electric tazer and shocks Grimes repeatedly. Then, New Jack throws him off the scaffold. You've probably seen the bump before. It goes badly, but not anywhere as near as badly as it could have gone. Welp, that's the end of that. What a fuckin' AWFUL show from a truly AWFUL promotion.