I am alive.
So... I got some splainin to do.
Unfortunately I had some health issues that came out of the blue which resulted in some mental health issues that where totally unexpected. So I took a step back from the forum for a while. I wanted to wait till we where pretty certain what they where before I said anything.
So what happened... Was one or all of the following. Around the end of November all of these things happened around the same time and due to Covid and insurance crap I wasn't able to get help for the majority of it for months...
1. As all of you know, I've been training for arm wrestling pretty hard core. I have a pretty high pain tolerance so it's hard for me to gauge sometimes how much is too much because I only really feel that I messed up one or two days later. Well, I had started lifting even more and tweaked my back a bit. We started seeing a new Chiropractor who is a friend of ours from school whom just opened their own clinic in our town. They took xrays and everything... Well, I got some bad news that hit me pretty hard emotionally. I have some disks which are close to degenerating and fusing in my lower back. I suspect this was from slipping a disk when I was younger and dealing with all the nerve pain... as well as discovering...
2. I... Overdosed on cannabis. It was pretty much the worst experience I've ever had and that's saying a LOT if you know me. Long story short, I was trying to find something for my back and general soreness in general during my flare ups that wasn't prescription medication. However, even though my wife is an herbalist and health care specialist she doesn't really know anything about psychotropic substances. It was infused in honey and I had been taking small drops every night on some bread to begin with and it didn't seem to be doing much. So on the day it happened I had just gotten done with arm wrestling practice (CNS overload) and was exhausted, getting around to relax after eating a giant ruby red grapefruit that night when she came in with around half a tablespoon full and stuffed it in my mouth... After a couple minutes I started to laugh uncontrollably. I really mean totally out of my control. The muscles on my neck where sticking out like crazy and I was all red. I remember thinking "How long has it been? I can't do this much longer..." Then I realized it had only been a couple minutes and the lady that made it said her trip lasted her 8 hours... That's when I began to panic. I lost control of my emotions and couldn't summon a single positive thought. All I felt was terror. And then it got worse. I started calling friends and family for advice. The first person I could get ahold of was my sister, who partakes all the time and she suggested trying to distract my mind with some hot sauce... That only made it worse. I felt the warmness inside my chest and it made me feel like my heart or some other organ was exploding and like blood was coming out of my mouth... Then suggested a warm shower... I almost passed out in it. At this point I was apologizing to my wife for making this huge mistake and reassuring her that none of this was her fault as if I was about to die. She dragged me to the bed because my vitals had dropped for the first time. (She was monitoring me the whole time with a blood pressure cuff and a pulse ox, she also had my mother on the phone who is a NP who runs her own clinic, both of them are used to dealing with patients who are having panic attacks, thank the Lord for that) I laid in bed, unable to move and time slowed down like every minute was a year and I was reliving every bad thing that ever happened to me. Sometimes I felt like I wasn't even in this dimension. Like I was seeing through the eyes of someone else and feeling their feelings and THEY where seeing through the eyes of someone else... Even sounds stretched out as I came back to the present. My wife would put her hand on my shoulder and rub it so I knew that she was there, but sometimes it sounded like she was rubbing on a shell that I was inside of and it creeped me out. Sometimes when I looked at her face, her eyes where huge and her voice didn't sound like her... This whole thing lasted for 38 hours. No joke. At one point, around 24 hours in, I snapped back to normal and sat up for a couple minutes, thinking it was over. Then I turned to my wife and the first thing I said was, "Now I know." "Now you know what?" She said. Then I asked her, "When you read fantasy, what is always an immortal persons worst fear?" She thought this was really odd and she said she didn't know. "That they would become trapped/encased in something and left to be inside their own head for ages or eternity. And then I went right back into another panic attack, a mild one this time, for the rest of the 38 hours. When I came to I was nervous and super distraught. I thought I'd maybe fried my brain but I felt ok. But then around a week later I started to have a heavy feeling in my chest and coldness in my neck and top of my head. Every time I felt the coldness on my neck, top of head and my butt would start to sweat, nearly every time I ate anything, I'd have an acute panic attack. My life changed totally. Usually I'm able to be a comfortable introvert and I love being self sufficient and able to handle things on my own. During this I just couldn't be alone. I'd freak out totally if I didn't have my wife or a friend nearby. This was a huge problem because my wife needed to work nights and my only close friend I trust who could stay couldn't always stay when I needed. It was hell. Talking with people on the phone helped a lot as well as online sessions in multiplayer games surprisingly. My wife thinks this was a dorsal vagal nerve response. Basically your body goes past fight or flight because it can't do either and goes into a freeze state where it kind of shuts down. I was kind of stuck in that. I got a zoom appointment with my GP and he prescribed Buspar to help with the acute attacks. I'm now on a very low dose of Gabipenton which is helping WAY better than the Buspar and I feel excellent and back to normal.
3. I was eating a chicken nugget one day and broke a chunk off my molar on something hard. It looked really black underneath. Well, I went to a dentists and found out that I had had a botched root canal at some point on that tooth... I didn't even remember this so we found out that it was a LONG time ago, 12 years, around the time I was in a car accident (Which is how I paid for it and my braces). Turns out it was totally botched and the old dentist didn't do it correctly which means that I've been dealing with infections this whole time. They said it was infected all the way up into my sinuses. This explains so much, like why my sense of smell kept going out on me and my constant stuffy nose where at least one side was ALWAYS clogged. (This is actually abating now and I can also smell SO much more). Several months later I was FINALLY able to get an appointment to get it taken out. They didn't put me under and they didn't even give me gas... It was the only appointment I could get that wasn't even more months out. He had a really tough time getting it out. I remember him putting the pliers on my tooth and yanking my head back and forth. I ended up having to hold my head still as hard as I could to help him. He was like, "Well, it sort of moved..." Then he pulled out this saw thing and went to town. It vibrated my entire head. I thought I was gonna break the arms on the chair. It didn't hurt, but it was really disconcerting. Then he stuck some reverse pliers in there and split it in half. Got his pliers again and grabbed one half and started pulling my head around again. Eventually it gave. Man, the way he sounded when he pulled it out... "Dude! What's up with your molar man?!" He put it in front of my face... It was so flipping long. It looked around an inch and a third long and it was shaped like a serpentine blade... The other half ended up shattering and they had to dig it out. Man... As I walked back out to the car afterwards I noticed that the weight that had been on my chest this whole time had completely gone away and the pressure that was on my head had started to dissipate. It was amazing. It must have been impinging a nerve or something. So, right now we really think the tooth was the majority of the issue.
4. I started to have really bad gut issues. Every time I'd eat it would seem like I'd start to have the mood swings and I'd almost get instant diarrhea. My stomach and intestines would churn like crazy. I don't know if this is due to the anxiety or if the anxiety stuff was due to this but we started a really strict diet (the GAPS diet, it freaking sucks but it's worth it) starting with only broths and then slowly adding foods over weeks and I feel WAY better now. No more gut issues.
I feel really good right now. I'm even more flexible than I've felt in ages. I used to have to sit on very specific surfaces or my back would go wild. Well, we got a love seat for the first time since we've been married from my Wife's departed grandmother and I've been contorting myself snuggling, sleeping and chilling on that thing like I was a teenager and I feel amazing. In fact, I've noticed that I've been able to activate more muscle than ever before. I can actually feel my entire bicep now when I contract it. I think my CNS has been overloaded for ages and it was effecting my ability to activate certain things to my full potential. In fact...
I finally did it!
(This is immediately after I ripped it. Please disregard my hair, the wife didn't tell me how fluffy it was even after she watered it down. I didn't want to let go of the cards to do it myself lol)
I finally ripped through a whole deck! It was amazing. I just decided to pick up a deck and see since my hands felt really good. Haven't tried, or worked out for that matter, for months since this all started happening and I'd lost a lot of weight, nearly 15 pounds due to the diet. I got a good grip on it and twisted as hard as I could and I heard a loud pop as the box broke and it ripped half way through in that first burst of torque. My eyes went wide and I looked at my wife and squeaked, "Love look!" She was like, "Well don't stop! Keep going!" Took a couple seconds and I ripped all the way through. Oh my Lord was I so happy. I was bouncing up and down haha. Really goes to show that the type of training that we're doing, building our tendons and endurance before our bulky muscle, really does build a strong foundation in strength that lasts.
Anyway. Sucks that I missed so much around the holidays but I plan on sticking around as my health stays with me. Never stop, brothers.
Also. Thanks
DunDunDunpachi
and
Tesseract
for the chats when I really needed it. I'm eternally in your debt.
EDIT: And thanks to all of you who where concerned. I can't describe how much it means to be missed or even thought of and prayed for. It helped so much.