MANCHESTER UNITED: HOUSE BOLTON OF THE DREADFORT
The most powerful house in the North. Sinister, ruthless, and brutal, their motto is Our Blades Are Sharp, and they will do whatever it takes to win. Sir Alex Ferguson is the cold, calculating Roose Bolton, a leech lover, known to flay those who dare confront him. Wayne Rooney is the ugly Ramsay Bolton, his legitimated bastard son, a creature who delights in violently torturing those around him.
MANCHESTER CITY: THE GOLDEN COMPANY
A legendary force of sellswords, feared as the largest and most expensive mercenary army in the Free Cities. Consisting of infantry, horses, and a number of elephants, their words are their war cry: "Beneath the gold, the bitter steel."
ARSENAL: HOUSE BARATHEON
Not so long ago, they were the Royal House, before being undone by a combination of personnel departures (Renly/Fábregas), long-term injuries, and being gored to death by boars (Jack Wilshere/Robert). The stubborn Arsene Wenger is Stannis a humorless, brooding man of principle who might dabble in the dark arts to regain the Iron Throne.
TOTTENHAM: HOUSE TYRELL OF HIGHGARDEN
The self-styled Warden of the South committed to chivalry and style. Its motto is Growing Strong. Tottenham's leader, Harry Redknapp, is Mace Tyrell, an ungainly man who lacks the wits to succeed at the Game of Thrones. Scottie Parker is Loras Tyrell, the boyishly handsome Knight of the Flowers, who is gifted with a mix of battlefield technique and courteous charisma. Gareth Bale is cunning Margaery Tyrell.
CHELSEA: HOUSE LANNISTER
A team whose grip on power is fueled by riches. The de facto ruler, Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich, is Tywin Lannister, a controlling man who always pays his debts but rarely appears happier than when skinning recently slaughtered deer.
Fat Frank Lampard is Varys, the eunuch Master of Whisperers. John Terry is Jaime Lannister, a warrior with an unusual sense of what passes for an appropriate sexual partner. Juan Mata is Tyrion, the lovable dwarf. I would like to believe Lady Physio is Sansa a hostage only there at pain of death.
NEWCASTLE: HOUSE ARRYN
A regional power located around the impregnable St. James Park, akin to The Eerie, that unassailable castle high in the mountains. The tradition-soaked club runs on its lore. Their infatuated fans love their team even more than they love their horns of ale. Most long to dispatch impolitic owner Mike Ashley via the Moon Door. Make the bad man fly!
LIVERPOOL: HOUSE STARK
An ancient and glorious Northern house led by a proud and stubborn king. Kenny Dalglish is 100 percent Ned Stark a leader comfortable as a warrior, but not a politician. He may well lose his head because of it. Luis Suarez is Theon Greyjoy, a simmering hostage with a cocky smile and arrogant attitude. Andy Carroll is Hodor, a large simpleton, slow of wits, but good at carrying stuff. Anfield is Winterfell, a crumbling seat of power home to legions of loyal denizens and legendary symbols.
BLACKBURN: CRASTERS KEEP
A fortified homestead North of the Wall populated by the sordid Craster and his 19 wives/daughters/mothers of his children. Few understand exactly what is going on there. It is, honestly, better not to know.
QUEENS PARK RANGERS: HOUSE MARTELL
Angry and mysterious, this ill-disciplined southern people have a tendency to strike first and think later. Their hot-blooded temperament (see: Cissé, Djibril, Barton, Joey and Diakité, Samba) has caused them to become isolated and could possibly lead to self-destruction.
LEEDS UNITED: HOUSE TARGARYEN
Once feared and imperious. Now suffering the agony of wandering exile, fueled by visions of return, revenge, and the reclamation of their throne.
