Conor_Fool
Banned
and things got weird...
So my good friend who I will be living with in Denver starting July 1st has always had a cougar neighbor in our hometown of St. Louis. She is 47 and married with two kids, but my god she is bangin. She has always taken a special liking to me, but I just figured she is a flirt/has an unhealthy relationship with her husband. I'm 20 by the way.
Well, last night about 7 of my friends were all drinking on my buddys porch, and sure enough, the cougar yelled "Is that Conor I hear!?" from across the street after hearing my laugh (I have a very unfortunate laugh, the sound seems to carry for miles). Well give it like 15 minutes or so and she shows up to the porch and starts drinking with us. She is in a great mood but she keeps slipping in how alone she is and that her husband is never home. Rewind to a bit earlier in the night when I inquired about "the milf" and my buddy was telling us she is going through a nasty divorce and her husband has been having an affair for god knows how long. I was about to joke "now is my chance" when he was telling the story, but I refrained because I thought it was in bad taste. Welp, it really was my chance.
After drinking with us for a while, I end up walking her back to her house across the street. She had told us earlier that she had made out with an 18 year old, and on the way back she starts rubbing on me and being like "I hope you know were totally going to make out" or some shit like that. I was drunk and in disbelief, but I'll be damned if I wasn't the happiest man on earth. So we start going at it on her porch, all the while my buddies could apparently make out (no pun intended) silhouettes of us. So she is like straight up opening up to me as I drink the glass of Jack she offered me, telling me all about her fucked up husband and how he never comes home until super late (it was like midnight and she said he comes home at like 2 or 3, but I was still a bit nervous). As she tells me this she just starts crying on my shoulder and shit as I rub her head and say its okay, then 5 minutes later we're going at it again. When we would go at it I would just be grabbing her and feeling on her and shit, but to my dismay she would reject me whenever I tried to go further, insisting she was "a prude." I was making out and giving life advice to a married woman who is over two and a half decades older than me. We even acknowledged the whole decade thing. It was totally bizarre.
We parted ways after about an hour and I walked back across the street to applause from all my friends. I denied we did anything but they all knew something happened. Even though I didn't get nearly as far as I would have hoped, I figured I would share my tale with GAF because I have few others to tell...
UPDATE: What's up dudes. Now that I have internet and have absolutely nothing to do tonight, I figured I would share the rest of the story with you all. So July 4th roles around (actually July 6th) which was the Counting Crows show where we were "supposed" to go to together. Well I did not go with her at all, we actually got there really late right as the band got off the stage. But at least we saw the fireworks, which is the best part. That aside, my hopes and dreams of banging "the milf" were tarnished this very night. Honestly, I did not really give her a second thought from then on.
Fast forward a couple days... I am in the fucking airport to go to Denver in the security line. As I'm taking off my belt and unpacking my shit, I hear something along the lines of "Take some more off, Conor!." Having no idea what to expect, I turn around and it is none other than the milf. I got some nasty thing removed from my asshole a couple days prior and was on some Vicadin, so I was really in disbelief and did not know what to say.
Well, sure enough, she was on her way to Boulder to see a friend from college, which means she was flying to no other place than the Mile High City. I seriously couldn't fucking believe it. Well, I get through and of course my bag gets searched "randomly," as it does every fucking time, and she gets through and says "meet me at the bar." Keep in mind I am twenty, not even of age. Well, I finally get through and met her at the bar. First thing the server says is, "he really does have pretty hair." I'm like what the fuck? This woman is talking about my hair to a random airport server (I had not even showered that day, looked nasty as a mug). Okay, so my pain pill is kicking in, and the milf insists on buying me a drink. I decline at this time (which was fine because I can rhyme). Fast forward a half hour, we see some random dude throw the fuck up in the waiting room, he gets ejected, the milf has a good seat and she saves the one next to her for me.
I board the plane and sit next to her, me on aisle, her in middle, and a fucking pilot at the window. She flirts with the pilot a little and shit and flirts with me at the same time, super bizarre. Okay, so now the plane is flying, the pilot falls asleep even after he insists he can't sleep on planes, and the milf starts straight hitting on me. She bought me some beers (I really didn't want to drink, but telling her the reason for my pain pills seemed even worse, so I had two beers during the flight), and just started mackin. It was so incredibly awkward, she seemed to be digging the fact that people were staring ("oh my god everyone is staring). She put her legs in between mine, so they were touchin mah balls, in front of everyone on the plane. I got a half woody at the most but the fact that we were in public calmed the little guy down.
I am probably skipping a bit because I am somewhat buzzed, but yeah, uh, we landed. We both used the bathroom. Before we went to wait for our suitcases (my good friend, who is her neigbor in STL, is my roommate at school in Denver, so he was picking me up) we smoked a cig. She smoked two. Well here is what it has been building up to, which reminds me of the "it's nothing" GIF, but still... She came at me and we started making out in public, straight PDA. So fucking weird. Wasn't even me that went for it (I guess that was the case last time, as well...)
So here I am, first ever public display of affection, with a 47 year old woman. Well, we went in, got our bags, and I was getting picked up upstairs and her down, so I said peace out, she gave me a kiss on the cheek, insisted that I come to Boulder, and it was over. Did not go to Boulder.
Not even so sure I'm attracted to this crazy woman anymore.
TL;DR - I made out with a married milf a month ago, we did not see each other again until we just so happened to be on our way to the same fucking city. She made me uncomfortable on the plane ride with her sexual advances, we PDAed in front of everyone in the airport, and then I left
So my good friend who I will be living with in Denver starting July 1st has always had a cougar neighbor in our hometown of St. Louis. She is 47 and married with two kids, but my god she is bangin. She has always taken a special liking to me, but I just figured she is a flirt/has an unhealthy relationship with her husband. I'm 20 by the way.
Well, last night about 7 of my friends were all drinking on my buddys porch, and sure enough, the cougar yelled "Is that Conor I hear!?" from across the street after hearing my laugh (I have a very unfortunate laugh, the sound seems to carry for miles). Well give it like 15 minutes or so and she shows up to the porch and starts drinking with us. She is in a great mood but she keeps slipping in how alone she is and that her husband is never home. Rewind to a bit earlier in the night when I inquired about "the milf" and my buddy was telling us she is going through a nasty divorce and her husband has been having an affair for god knows how long. I was about to joke "now is my chance" when he was telling the story, but I refrained because I thought it was in bad taste. Welp, it really was my chance.
After drinking with us for a while, I end up walking her back to her house across the street. She had told us earlier that she had made out with an 18 year old, and on the way back she starts rubbing on me and being like "I hope you know were totally going to make out" or some shit like that. I was drunk and in disbelief, but I'll be damned if I wasn't the happiest man on earth. So we start going at it on her porch, all the while my buddies could apparently make out (no pun intended) silhouettes of us. So she is like straight up opening up to me as I drink the glass of Jack she offered me, telling me all about her fucked up husband and how he never comes home until super late (it was like midnight and she said he comes home at like 2 or 3, but I was still a bit nervous). As she tells me this she just starts crying on my shoulder and shit as I rub her head and say its okay, then 5 minutes later we're going at it again. When we would go at it I would just be grabbing her and feeling on her and shit, but to my dismay she would reject me whenever I tried to go further, insisting she was "a prude." I was making out and giving life advice to a married woman who is over two and a half decades older than me. We even acknowledged the whole decade thing. It was totally bizarre.
We parted ways after about an hour and I walked back across the street to applause from all my friends. I denied we did anything but they all knew something happened. Even though I didn't get nearly as far as I would have hoped, I figured I would share my tale with GAF because I have few others to tell...
UPDATE: What's up dudes. Now that I have internet and have absolutely nothing to do tonight, I figured I would share the rest of the story with you all. So July 4th roles around (actually July 6th) which was the Counting Crows show where we were "supposed" to go to together. Well I did not go with her at all, we actually got there really late right as the band got off the stage. But at least we saw the fireworks, which is the best part. That aside, my hopes and dreams of banging "the milf" were tarnished this very night. Honestly, I did not really give her a second thought from then on.
Fast forward a couple days... I am in the fucking airport to go to Denver in the security line. As I'm taking off my belt and unpacking my shit, I hear something along the lines of "Take some more off, Conor!." Having no idea what to expect, I turn around and it is none other than the milf. I got some nasty thing removed from my asshole a couple days prior and was on some Vicadin, so I was really in disbelief and did not know what to say.
Well, sure enough, she was on her way to Boulder to see a friend from college, which means she was flying to no other place than the Mile High City. I seriously couldn't fucking believe it. Well, I get through and of course my bag gets searched "randomly," as it does every fucking time, and she gets through and says "meet me at the bar." Keep in mind I am twenty, not even of age. Well, I finally get through and met her at the bar. First thing the server says is, "he really does have pretty hair." I'm like what the fuck? This woman is talking about my hair to a random airport server (I had not even showered that day, looked nasty as a mug). Okay, so my pain pill is kicking in, and the milf insists on buying me a drink. I decline at this time (which was fine because I can rhyme). Fast forward a half hour, we see some random dude throw the fuck up in the waiting room, he gets ejected, the milf has a good seat and she saves the one next to her for me.
I board the plane and sit next to her, me on aisle, her in middle, and a fucking pilot at the window. She flirts with the pilot a little and shit and flirts with me at the same time, super bizarre. Okay, so now the plane is flying, the pilot falls asleep even after he insists he can't sleep on planes, and the milf starts straight hitting on me. She bought me some beers (I really didn't want to drink, but telling her the reason for my pain pills seemed even worse, so I had two beers during the flight), and just started mackin. It was so incredibly awkward, she seemed to be digging the fact that people were staring ("oh my god everyone is staring). She put her legs in between mine, so they were touchin mah balls, in front of everyone on the plane. I got a half woody at the most but the fact that we were in public calmed the little guy down.
I am probably skipping a bit because I am somewhat buzzed, but yeah, uh, we landed. We both used the bathroom. Before we went to wait for our suitcases (my good friend, who is her neigbor in STL, is my roommate at school in Denver, so he was picking me up) we smoked a cig. She smoked two. Well here is what it has been building up to, which reminds me of the "it's nothing" GIF, but still... She came at me and we started making out in public, straight PDA. So fucking weird. Wasn't even me that went for it (I guess that was the case last time, as well...)
So here I am, first ever public display of affection, with a 47 year old woman. Well, we went in, got our bags, and I was getting picked up upstairs and her down, so I said peace out, she gave me a kiss on the cheek, insisted that I come to Boulder, and it was over. Did not go to Boulder.
Not even so sure I'm attracted to this crazy woman anymore.
TL;DR - I made out with a married milf a month ago, we did not see each other again until we just so happened to be on our way to the same fucking city. She made me uncomfortable on the plane ride with her sexual advances, we PDAed in front of everyone in the airport, and then I left
