Guys guys guys. I finally fixed the the Front USB ports on my computer!
The Fractal Design R5 has four USB ports on the front: two USB 3.0 ports, and two USB 2.0 ports:
Ever since I built my computer in mid-august, only two of these ports--the USB 3.0 ones--have actually worked. I didn't know what what was wrong, and it 11 pm and I'd been working on the computer since noon, so I said "screw it", and left USB ports as-is.
Well, I finally got around to opening up my computer again and looking around. Turns out my motherboard has two ports with the exact same number of pins: one labeled "JUSB1", which had a cable plugged into it, and another labeled "JUSB2", which was empty. I moved the cable and voila, it works!
I, for one, am as excited as heck.
Four functional USB ports! That's, like,
twice as many as I had before!