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I think blew it with this girl...

P

psorcerer

Banned
M1chl said:
This day and age is long gone, he is going to look like a tool. And possible even get mocked for that. That's I think really cruel thing to say to someone who is not experienced. I agree that flowers and stuff could be nice in relationship, outside, no not really. But even then, she mocked him for playing video games and he came back as a biggest simp "queen please forgive me, that I wanted to have some fun with games". It's....NO.
Click to expand...

Okay. 🤣
 
H

hariseldon

Unconfirmed Member
I'm going to separate this into two bits of advice. One for the immediate situation and one for the long term.

1. Get it done. Ask her out, grab a drink, get to know her, get her off any pedestal you may have put her on. Sounds like she's less concerned about you having your shit together than you are, and you may just find that being with the right person gets your shit together. Certainly there's an element of that with my wife. Plus you won't get anywhere long term without building up some experience. She probably isn't 'the one' and that's ok. She might be a good practice girl. You need a practice girl.

2. If the above doesn't work, your job from here on in is to increase your dating market value. There are a few essential steps to that.
- i. Get your career in order. Do training courses, learn shit online, do whatever is needed, but get your career in order. At pushing 30 you want to be starting to make a move to your long-term career. If you're there already, great, skip this one.
- ii. Get your body in order, if there's any issues there. Are you overweight? Lose it. Balding? Cut your losses and go shaved.
- iii. Get your brain in order. Get enough sleep to make sure it's functioning well. Eat right, take vitamins, and jettison toxic people or people whose bad habits drag you down.
- iv. Find out what you really want. You've got fuck all dating experience so you need to fix that. Get on Tinder, accept that none of these is going to be the one, treat them as training exercises where you try different kinds of woman to see what it is that's good for you. You will meet many mad women and that'll help you get a handle on what it actually is you want.

Finally, be wary of changing who you are. I met my wife when I was flat broke sofa-surfing but frankly I got lucky. In my case I'd just come back from living abroad when a near civil war broke out so I got out fast - I had a good excuse to be fucked, but I also over the course of our first year got my shit together pretty quickly and have gotten it more together since - got the house, the car, the cats, the 2x national average salary, I was a good long-term investment! Had I remained a sofa-surfer I doubt we'd still be together because who wants to date a loser? In general you can get away with being a bit fucked temporarily so long as you can demonstrate a good trajectory. The point here is that the better you make yourself the more picky you can be, and believe me it's wise to be picky. There are a LOT of mad women out there who will fuck you up if you let them.

EDIT: Nearly forgot the most important point. Be the best version of yourself, rather than being someone else you think women will be attracted to. If you like metal don't be afraid to wear that band hoodie. If you like games don't be afraid to game. It's all good. So long as your wider life is good these things are fine. If you pretend to be someone you're not you'll attract a woman who is attracted to fake-you, not real-you. She'll then feel cheated when she finds out who you really are, and she will because nobody can live a lie consistently for years. Better to be you and attract someone who likes you as you are because life is a lot more fun that way and any compatibility will be genuine.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
H

hariseldon

Unconfirmed Member
Guardian's Light said:
Fucking THIS

I had several girls, and the worst have been the ones who used to criticize one or some of my hobbies, escape on another planet if you find them, if they complain about games and minor things, imagine how could they disrupt you if you do a major errore, they use to say things like " that's kid stuff" and then, when you make a joke about one of their hobbies, they make a disaster lol

I also found awesome girls who have some of my hobbies or, even better, they are open to discover mine and vice versa, discovering and exchange respective passions is fantastic
Click to expand...

This is pretty important stuff. My wife is remarkably tolerant of my ridiculous man-cave (gaming rig, triples, VR, Wheel and Pedals, flight yoke, various joysticks and conrollers, etc) but part of that is that we do each have our own interests - it's important to have that so you aren't in each others pockets the whole damn time. This has been especially important through lockdown. We have a big enough place to have our own space, but obviously that's harder in a small flat, however you can find ways to do that with headphones, etc, and everyone has at least 2 rooms unless they've really fucked up bigtime.
 
GeorgPrime

GeorgPrime

Banned
hariseldon said:
This is pretty important stuff. My wife is remarkably tolerant of my ridiculous man-cave (gaming rig, triples, VR, Wheel and Pedals, flight yoke, various joysticks and conrollers, etc) but part of that is that we do each have our own interests - it's important to have that so you aren't in each others pockets the whole damn time. This has been especially important through lockdown. We have a big enough place to have our own space, but obviously that's harder in a small flat, however you can find ways to do that with headphones, etc, and everyone has at least 2 rooms unless they've really fucked up bigtime.
Click to expand...

The first thing my wife said when we talked about building a modern house on her land "You can have the second floor room for gaming and other stuff" xD

I guess thats why i married her lol
 
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nush

nush

Gold Member
GeorgPrime said:
The first thing my wife said when we talked about building a modern house on her land "You can have the second floor room for gaming and other stuff" xD

I guess thats why i married her lol
Click to expand...

That's never going to happen, she's going to fill that house with her family. Where's she from again, Thailand or something?
 
GeorgPrime

GeorgPrime

Banned
nush said:
That's never going to happen, she's going to fill that house with her family. Where's she from again, Thailand or something?
Click to expand...

Jeah. But dont worry.... she only has her mother left. Most family is gone. Her father for example left them long ago.

She was even asking me if we can take care of her mother later when she cant work anymore. She was afraid to ask me about it. xD

But her mother is cool as fuck. So i dont mind.
 
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Riven326

Riven326

Banned
hariseldon said:
I'm going to separate this into two bits of advice. One for the immediate situation and one for the long term.

1. Get it done. Ask her out, grab a drink, get to know her, get her off any pedestal you may have put her on. Sounds like she's less concerned about you having your shit together than you are, and you may just find that being with the right person gets your shit together. Certainly there's an element of that with my wife. Plus you won't get anywhere long term without building up some experience. She probably isn't 'the one' and that's ok. She might be a good practice girl. You need a practice girl.

2. If the above doesn't work, your job from here on in is to increase your dating market value. There are a few essential steps to that.
- i. Get your career in order. Do training courses, learn shit online, do whatever is needed, but get your career in order. At pushing 30 you want to be starting to make a move to your long-term career. If you're there already, great, skip this one.
- ii. Get your body in order, if there's any issues there. Are you overweight? Lose it. Balding? Cut your losses and go shaved.
- iii. Get your brain in order. Get enough sleep to make sure it's functioning well. Eat right, take vitamins, and jettison toxic people or people whose bad habits drag you down.
- iv. Find out what you really want. You've got fuck all dating experience so you need to fix that. Get on Tinder, accept that none of these is going to be the one, treat them as training exercises where you try different kinds of woman to see what it is that's good for you. You will meet many mad women and that'll help you get a handle on what it actually is you want.

Finally, be wary of changing who you are. I met my wife when I was flat broke sofa-surfing but frankly I got lucky. In my case I'd just come back from living abroad when a near civil war broke out so I got out fast - I had a good excuse to be fucked, but I also over the course of our first year got my shit together pretty quickly and have gotten it more together since - got the house, the car, the cats, the 2x national average salary, I was a good long-term investment! Had I remained a sofa-surfer I doubt we'd still be together because who wants to date a loser? In general you can get away with being a bit fucked temporarily so long as you can demonstrate a good trajectory. The point here is that the better you make yourself the more picky you can be, and believe me it's wise to be picky. There are a LOT of mad women out there who will fuck you up if you let them.

EDIT: Nearly forgot the most important point. Be the best version of yourself, rather than being someone else you think women will be attracted to. If you like metal don't be afraid to wear that band hoodie. If you like games don't be afraid to game. It's all good. So long as your wider life is good these things are fine. If you pretend to be someone you're not you'll attract a woman who is attracted to fake-you, not real-you. She'll then feel cheated when she finds out who you really are, and she will because nobody can live a lie consistently for years. Better to be you and attract someone who likes you as you are because life is a lot more fun that way and any compatibility will be genuine.
Click to expand...
Dr. Phil posts on Gaf. I love this forum!
 
L

Larlight

Member
Why did you take weeks to do anything with her? If she was willing to pick you up and drive, you could have acted on it. I assume she moved on because you gave her the run around and she assumes you’re not into her like that. If you take a long time to do anything, they will eventually move on.
 
BluRayHiDef

BluRayHiDef

Banned
When she asked you when you were going to take her out, you should have said, "When I get some Subway coupons, I'll take you to get some damn good sandwiches."
 
Stiflers Mom

Stiflers Mom

Banned
nush said:
This is what a lot of guys that are not good with women havnt worked out that women only want big romatic gestures from men they are already dating. Otherwise is creepy simp behaviour glorified from romantic movies/TV.
Click to expand...
And it conveys you need to put pressure on her to respond in kind.
 
H

hariseldon

Unconfirmed Member
Halo is Dead said:
I would never give flowers until at least the third date or after we have kissed. I've done it many times while in a relationship/ dating for a while though.
Click to expand...

See I've never bought a woman flowers. It's a bit of a boring lack-of-thought thing. If I see something cool I think my wife likes I'll get her that, usually something with some sentimental value that's a bit more specific to her or to us, often reasonably inexpensive, but the point is that flowers are a pretty boring thing to get someone. Sure it's tradition, but to me there are better ways.
 
Halo is Back

Halo is Back

Member
hariseldon said:
See I've never bought a woman flowers. It's a bit of a boring lack-of-thought thing. If I see something cool I think my wife likes I'll get her that, usually something with some sentimental value that's a bit more specific to her or to us, often reasonably inexpensive, but the point is that flowers are a pretty boring thing to get someone. Sure it's tradition, but to me there are better ways.
Click to expand...
I can agree with that. I still like to give thoughtful gifts too. For the ones I did give flowers to; I went to a florist who I knew and trusted to make something legit and not half assed. They still liked it so eh.
 
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H

hariseldon

Unconfirmed Member
Halo is Dead said:
I can agree with that. I still like to give thoughtful gifts too. For the ones I did give flowers to; I went to a florist who I knew and trusted to make something legit and not half assed. They still liked it so eh.
Click to expand...

And the big big thing - gifts are not a willy-waving exercise, nor a simping exercise. She gets me little things too, it's got to be give and take. You don't want to be the guy who worships his queen or whatever shit it is simps do. That path leads to gold-diggers which leads to eternal misery.
 
nush

nush

Gold Member
hariseldon said:
See I've never bought a woman flowers. It's a bit of a boring lack-of-thought thing. If I see something cool I think my wife likes I'll get her that, usually something with some sentimental value that's a bit more specific to her or to us, often reasonably inexpensive, but the point is that flowers are a pretty boring thing to get someone. Sure it's tradition, but to me there are better ways.
Click to expand...

The flowers game is a strategy. There was this woman in my department who would sometimes send her flowers to the office. She seemed to have a "That's nice" but not super excited. However the real power of the flower is all the other woman coming round her desk and saying how nice that was and how their partners never sent them flowers. It not that she got flowers from him, but other women inadvertently bigged him up for showing them he had sent flowers.

This guy gamed.

In the social media age, that game works too as (depending on the woman) she's the one that will proactively post the flowers pic to her contacts and you can pick up the cred.

It does not work if you are not already in a realtionship with her though as per my previous comment.
 
Halo is Back

Halo is Back

Member
nush said:
The flowers game is a strategy. There was this woman in my department who would sometimes send her flowers to the office. She seemed to have a "That's nice" but not super excited. However the real power of the flower is all the other woman coming round her desk and saying how nice that was and how their partners never sent them flowers. It not that she got flowers from him, but other women inadvertently bigged him up for showing them he had sent flowers.

This guy gamed.

In the social media age, that game works too as (depending on the woman) she's the one that will proactively post the flowers pic to her contacts and you can pick up the cred.

It does not work if you are not already in a realtionship with her though as per my previous comment.
Click to expand...
That is actually more of a classic move. The dude is educated
 
Mobile Suit Gooch

Mobile Suit Gooch

Grundle: The Awakening
Punished Miku said:
I think you need to listen to me on this one.

Yes, it's true that a lot of women can be awful and controlling. But it's also true that a lot of men, especially the kind that post on this website - can be extremely immature for a long time. If you have never been in a relationship, then this is a life or death moment for you right now that could literally change the whole course of your life.

Just be genuine with this girl and tell her that she was right, and you are going to take her opinion seriously about being goal-oriented. Having goals is very attractive to women. Then, explain that you really like her and want to see her outside of work. She offered to pick you up, and she seems pretty relaxed about it honestly. Even if things don't work out with this girl, you need to get experience dating immediately or you may never be with anyone at this rate. Even if you date this girl for a brief period of time, or have sex once or twice - that could be the bit of experience you need to realize that you can date other people too, and initiate things yourself, but you're too inexperienced and insecure to do it. She likes you, so you surely are attractive enough to date people.

The odds are you are very immature still, and do not yet realize how immature you are. That's not a putdown, it's just something I'm trying to get you to realize. A girl who likes you and is thinking about the future isn't a bad thing all the time, as long as she respects who you are and is only suggesting goals that are actually good suggestions for you - and not being overly controlling. With your experience level, I frankly wouldn't even worry about that and I'd go after this girl immediately regardless. Even if she turns out to not be the one - you NEED to take this opportunity and take her advice to heart. Be true to yourself, but also start following through on some goals for yourself.
Click to expand...
Sorry to bump this without a real update but I was thinking about this post and how close it hits home. (I think) Anyway, I am pretty immature. All I want to do after work is come home and playing video games, watching anime while surrounded by my anime figs. I forgot to mention that she said she does like nerds, go figure.

The life or death comment. I can see it being harder to find a partner in your 30s. I mean most people would've been taken by now or sometimes have children.
My friends are good and all but the only advice they could give is sexual. It's a bit disappointing knowing that they have/are in a committed relationship.
 
O

oagboghi2

Member
Mobile Suit Gooch said:
Sorry to bump this without a real update but I was thinking about this post and how close it hits home. (I think) Anyway, I am pretty immature. All I want to do after work is come home and playing video games, watching anime while surrounded by my anime figs. I forgot to mention that she said she does like nerds, go figure.

The life or death comment. I can see it being harder to find a partner in your 30s. I mean most people would've been taken by now or sometimes have children.
My friends are good and all but the only advice they could give is sexual. It's a bit disappointing knowing that they have/are in a committed relationship.
Click to expand...
So have you talked to her yet? If you aren't taking the advice, than what's the point?
 
Ten_Fold

Ten_Fold

Member
OP, if she got a car, you could’ve been like yeah we can go on a date but I don’t have a car. She would’ve been cool with picking you up, then you could ask can you teach me how to drive etc. Y’all could’ve grabbed some take out and fucked in the car. SMH OP....
 
xiskza

xiskza

Member
She shaded you, but doesn't seem like a roast. Also you owning a PS5 doesn't mean you can't be figuring your life out. Pretty sure she might pick up the latest shiny bag or makeup kit, or some other stuff that makes her happy. Gaming is a hobby, it's time people realize that.
 
nush

nush

Gold Member
Mobile Suit Gooch said:
I can see it being harder to find a partner in your 30s.
Click to expand...

Its actually easier, if you have your shit together. But you've avoided putting yourself out there for 30 years and retreated you to game/anime dungeon comfort place as a substitute.

All your comments are not one of action but if/maybe/perhaps. You're afraid to take risks even when most of us can see a home run if you just assert yourself just a fucking tiny bit.
 
Punished Miku

Punished Miku

Banned
Mobile Suit Gooch said:
I won't be able to see her til Monday. If she says no and moved on then it is what it is.
Click to expand...
Well don't give up. My post was meant to wake you up a bit and let you know what's at stake. But you're still in the window to honestly change it all. You just need to get started now on actually dating people.

Men in their 30s are basically hitting their prime, and this is right at the time women start to realize they're exiting their 20s, which is their prime. This shifts the power dynamics of dating a bit. You can get a lot of dating done in your 30s even if you've not started yet. It's time to start the next phase of your life. You can be a nerd, but start facing adulthood too. If you find a good girl, she will understand and help you along the way. Just don't spend all day displaying weakness in front of her - as she wants a man with some potential and confidence too. You don't have to be some exaggerated alpha, just start moving forward and that's usually enough to be attractive. Good luck!
 
H

hariseldon

Unconfirmed Member
Mobile Suit Gooch said:
Sorry to bump this without a real update but I was thinking about this post and how close it hits home. (I think) Anyway, I am pretty immature. All I want to do after work is come home and playing video games, watching anime while surrounded by my anime figs. I forgot to mention that she said she does like nerds, go figure.

The life or death comment. I can see it being harder to find a partner in your 30s. I mean most people would've been taken by now or sometimes have children.
My friends are good and all but the only advice they could give is sexual. It's a bit disappointing knowing that they have/are in a committed relationship.
Click to expand...

Ok so real talk. There's nerds and nerds. A girl can like nerds. Hell my wife's dating history is 60% linux users - that's pretty nerdy. However, there are types of nerd. There's nerds who are going places. Programmers making good money or on the path to doing so are in that group. Database analysts, network administrators, people building proper careers. And then there are man-children. I had to do a house share when I got back to the UK and had no money. The guy I ended up living with had figurines all around the house. They were fully anatomically correct, and one of them had what looked like a semen stain drawn and carved into it. I can tell you now, he is not going to ever get any pussy. It's fine to be tired after work, hell I'm basically dead right now because my entire team got fired/furloughed so I'm doing the work of 4 people solo since March and will continue til March 2021 at least. However, you won't be interesting to anyone if that's all you do. Get some damn interests. Spend some time skilling up, working on yourself. If you're not your biggest project you're wasting your life.

As for getting a partner in your 30s, it goes two directions. For me, my 30s was where I got my shit together. I met my wife when I was 30 and she was 19, I did not yet have my shit together, I was sofa-surfing, etc. However, MENTALLY I had my shit together. I had a plan. This plan changed a year down the line and I've followed that plan since, but the point is I had a viable plan, and got my shit together with a solid career - the rest tends to follow automatically. The point is that your 30s are peak dating for a man because you've got your shit together, you ought to have at the very least your direction of travel set if you don't have the job, the car, the house yet. The problem however is it sounds like you haven't, and you've not spent your 20s learning what you want and how to get it. You've handicapped yourself very very badly, so you've got to do a decade's work in a couple of years if you want to get anywhere. You do not want to find yourself dating 30+ women - at that point all that's left are the nutters and the alcoholics. So, there is a limited window to get your shit together. I strongly advise you to do so.
 
A

Alter_Fridge

Member
nush said:
This is what a lot of guys that are not good with women havnt worked out that women only want big romatic gestures from men they are already dating. Otherwise is creepy simp behaviour glorified from romantic movies/TV.
Click to expand...

giphy-downsized.gif
 
A

Alter_Fridge

Member
hariseldon said:
Ok so real talk. There's nerds and nerds. A girl can like nerds. Hell my wife's dating history is 60% linux users - that's pretty nerdy. However, there are types of nerd. There's nerds who are going places. Programmers making good money or on the path to doing so are in that group. Database analysts, network administrators, people building proper careers. And then there are man-children. I had to do a house share when I got back to the UK and had no money. The guy I ended up living with had figurines all around the house. They were fully anatomically correct, and one of them had what looked like a semen stain drawn and carved into it. I can tell you now, he is not going to ever get any pussy. It's fine to be tired after work, hell I'm basically dead right now because my entire team got fired/furloughed so I'm doing the work of 4 people solo since March and will continue til March 2021 at least. However, you won't be interesting to anyone if that's all you do. Get some damn interests. Spend some time skilling up, working on yourself. If you're not your biggest project you're wasting your life.

As for getting a partner in your 30s, it goes two directions. For me, my 30s was where I got my shit together. I met my wife when I was 30 and she was 19, I did not yet have my shit together, I was sofa-surfing, etc. However, MENTALLY I had my shit together. I had a plan. This plan changed a year down the line and I've followed that plan since, but the point is I had a viable plan, and got my shit together with a solid career - the rest tends to follow automatically. The point is that your 30s are peak dating for a man because you've got your shit together, you ought to have at the very least your direction of travel set if you don't have the job, the car, the house yet. The problem however is it sounds like you haven't, and you've not spent your 20s learning what you want and how to get it. You've handicapped yourself very very badly, so you've got to do a decade's work in a couple of years if you want to get anywhere. You do not want to find yourself dating 30+ women - at that point all that's left are the nutters and the alcoholics. So, there is a limited window to get your shit together. I strongly advise you to do so.
Click to expand...

Every single girl is atrocious the day they turn 30? loooooooooool
 
Nikana

Nikana

Go Go Neo Rangers!
hariseldon said:
Ok so real talk. There's nerds and nerds. A girl can like nerds. Hell my wife's dating history is 60% linux users - that's pretty nerdy. However, there are types of nerd. There's nerds who are going places. Programmers making good money or on the path to doing so are in that group. Database analysts, network administrators, people building proper careers. And then there are man-children. I had to do a house share when I got back to the UK and had no money. The guy I ended up living with had figurines all around the house. They were fully anatomically correct, and one of them had what looked like a semen stain drawn and carved into it. I can tell you now, he is not going to ever get any pussy. It's fine to be tired after work, hell I'm basically dead right now because my entire team got fired/furloughed so I'm doing the work of 4 people solo since March and will continue til March 2021 at least. However, you won't be interesting to anyone if that's all you do. Get some damn interests. Spend some time skilling up, working on yourself. If you're not your biggest project you're wasting your life.

As for getting a partner in your 30s, it goes two directions. For me, my 30s was where I got my shit together. I met my wife when I was 30 and she was 19, I did not yet have my shit together, I was sofa-surfing, etc. However, MENTALLY I had my shit together. I had a plan. This plan changed a year down the line and I've followed that plan since, but the point is I had a viable plan, and got my shit together with a solid career - the rest tends to follow automatically. The point is that your 30s are peak dating for a man because you've got your shit together, you ought to have at the very least your direction of travel set if you don't have the job, the car, the house yet. The problem however is it sounds like you haven't, and you've not spent your 20s learning what you want and how to get it. You've handicapped yourself very very badly, so you've got to do a decade's work in a couple of years if you want to get anywhere. You do not want to find yourself dating 30+ women - at that point all that's left are the nutters and the alcoholics. So, there is a limited window to get your shit together. I strongly advise you to do so.
Click to expand...

bullshit. Reported.
 
nush

nush

Gold Member
Alter_Fridge said:
Every single girl is atrocious the day they turn 30? loooooooooool
Click to expand...

You misread he's talking from a male perspective and it's true for a lot of guys. You go through your 20's occasionally hearing/reading comments from women in that age group that 30 is the cut-off. Until you get to 30 and if you've got your shit together it's all all you can eat buffet!
 
H

hariseldon

Unconfirmed Member
Alter_Fridge said:
Every single girl is atrocious the day they turn 30? loooooooooool
Click to expand...

Oh boy, looks like we've got an edge lord here. Here's a thing - if you take a person's point in bad faith and make stupid assumptions about the meaning, not allowing for nuance, you end up looking like a cunt. What mad person would say that the 30th birthday is a magical cut-off point? If I had to couch everything I said in exact details so autists like you wouldn't interpret in the most robotic way possible I'd get nothing said. You utter clunge.
 
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