Im knocked out cold
People who came after me are selling out shows at Zepp and Blitz, and Im being left behind
While I do feel happy for them
And I enjoy the friendly competition, and root for them
I naturally also feel really jealous and frustrated
But Ive tried my best to not let those negative feelings show
And to not feel them at all, or my heart would turn black
Id feel pathetic for showing such emotions openly
I dont want anyone to feel pity for me
Because that would mean I am a weak person, in my mind
(Black already, right?)
But I cant hide my frustration any longer
The Blitz solo concert on Jan 23rd is a flop
And probably the Osaka show on the 9th too.
Rather than worrying about the size of the audience, how about just putting on a good show!? Well, thats just pretty words
Of course I want to put on a good show
I thought Id take whatever comes, no matter the result
As long as I keep my cool and keep laughing and believing, Ill be fine, or so I thought
But its not fine at all
For the first time in a long while
I felt like dying
Thinking too much? I dont think so
Its the same crowd every time, no fresh faces
A person who often comes to my shows told me after a concert in December
(Maybe a different nuance to it, I was a bit too worked up
)
Shut up, dont fuck with me, I thought
But they were right, in a way
Little by little, my audiences are getting bigger, but its just that, little by little
(I was worried)
(Even though I do so many shows
Why? Is something wrong with my shows? Ahh, why, I kept thinking
But thats just arrogance, right? And impatience. But I AM impatient! And frustrated. Of course Ill start thinking if I cant see any noticeable results
The other day I was thinking, if only we had kept going with the band, then maybe now wed be
But thats too fucking stupid.
I wanted someone to praise me
There were times when I wanted praise, and I had no idea why, for what reason, I kept playing. Times when I became someone who didnt need myself)
Im of course always happy to meet my regulars at the goods stand after the shows
(Strangers telling me they love me, and those strangers gradually becoming familiar faces - its an interesting feeling, and I love the act of it)
But the flipside is that wont get the word out wide
Seriously, dont fuck with me
I thought, but I took those words to heart and had no idea what to do
Is it wrong to go meet everyone after a show?
(I want to talk to the fans who took the trouble to come, and hear their thoughts on my show, and even though I only meet them at my shows, is the border getting blurred?
What border am I even talking about? Distance? Its fucking difficult)
I had no idea whatsoever what to do
