Oh god. Let me tell you how many times I tried to watch this through. Started it 8 times. It just sapped me of my will to watch wrestling. Like, its not even amazingly bad like IWA:MS shows are, theyre just slow, plodding and half-assed.
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Shows starts off Gorilla Monsoon introducing JR in a toga. You can tell he knows hes gonna get put up with lots of shit. For all the shit WM9 gets, I really like the stage setup. The introduction of Julius Ceasar and Cleopatra riding an elephant while JR gives us historical facts is the weirdest thing ever. Macho Man arrives in style on a sedan followed by Heenan on a camel. JR talks about vestal virgins for some reason. I hate this already. The fact that Heenan on a camel is the only thing that gets put on WWE DVDs tell you how awful this event is.
TATANKA vs SHAWN MICHAELS
Shawn is accompanied by Luna Vachon making her debut her. Sherri follows Tatanka to even the odds. Sherri looks pretty great and is probably the best thing out of this Wrestlemania. I really think Tatanka is awful. Shawn has to do everything. Hes bumping all over the place. Only thing outside of Sherri that keeps this match interesting. Story of the match is that Tatanka targets Michaels injured shoulder, despite it not being a source of Michaels offense. The match slows down to a crawl when ever Tatanka is in control since its all working the shoulder. Micheals with a sick bump into the ring post shoulder first. Tatanka boring time. Sweet Superkick to counter a top rope chop. Chops in some variations are 75% of Tatankas offense. Sweet clothesline off the apron by Michaels. Match just plods along until the finishing stretch after Michaels takes a dive to outside, hits the ring steps and decides fuck this, and grabs the ref for the DQ to keep his title. Lame booking to keep Tatanka undefeated for no reason. Luna attacks Sherri after the match. Meh match.
Steiners vs The Headshrinkers
We get a prematch promo in the back with the Steiners and Scott has yet to become the master of the mic we all love. The match starts off with Fatu and Scott and some nice double leg takedowns and just some power shots before Scott delivers a great clothesline. After some brawling, the Steiners end up on the top rope and nail dual clotheslines. Steiners in control until Fatu counters into a stun gun and Samu pulled down the rope so Scott takes a nasty dive to the outside. Kind of a crazy spot. Afa nails Scott with the poles they carried in and the camera almost misses it. CZW production values! Next 7 or so minutes is Scott being the babyface peril. Fatu has a sweet superkick. Scott makes the hot tag after a missed serial killer producer dive. Hot tag offense is stopped by Rick foolishly smashing the headshrinkers against each other showing off that hes clearly as smart as he looks. Headshrinkers set up for a tower of doom spot that Rick reverses into a power slam. Scott tags in after the Headshrinkers send Rick out. Sweet belly to belly on fatu before he nails an awful looking Frankensteiner on Samu for the win. Clearly the best match on the card. If this match was on a Raw, we would all love it for being a real good tag match.
We get a recap of the Doink vs Crush feud with a look at the fake arm attack. Its hilarious. Crush has a gut. Some great reaction shots in the crowd.
Doink the Clown vs Crush
Crushs ring gear is god-tier awful. Theres a sign asking whos a pineapple head now. I dont understand. Doinks music is god-tier. Crush attacks Doink on the outside and just abuses the poor clown for the next 5 minutes. Doink gets back in it by dropping Crush on the ropes. Sweet stalling piledriver by Doink. That was unexpected. After Crush gets his foot up to stop a dive, he takes control of the match. Crush does that head squeeze thing and it leads to a ref bump. Crush reapplies the squeeze and a second doink appears with the fake arm and smacks Crush. The two Doinks try a mirror routine and botch it. Doink gets the pin. A second ref comes out to tell the other ref what happened (why this happens in this match and not in the Yokozuna/Hart match to try to reverse that one is beyond me). Nothing match
Also, fuck Todd Pettengill and his stupid getup for this event.
Razor Ramon vs Bob Backlund
This crowd loves Razor. Gives no shit for Bob Backlund and his no music entrance. Crowd comes alive with a chant for Razor. Match starts with Backlund just outwrestling Razor. Razor outpowers Backlund but Backlund counters with wrestling. Razor looks hilarious taking a hiptoss. Backlund just keeps outwrestling Razor until Razor sneaks in a small package to outwrestle the wrestler. Really, a nothing match.
Mega-Maniacs vs Money Inc
Hogans entrance has a weird VHS skip on the network, kinda funny. Fuck Brutus Beefcake and his stupid mask. Money Inc tries to sneak attack but it goes wrong. They do some spots revolved around Beefcakes stupid mask. Fuck Beefcake. Fuck Jimmy Hart too. Not sure who I hate more. Hogan with his dick heel offense. Money Inc decide to hightail it. Earl Hebner suddenly decides he has a ton of power and threatens to strip them of the titles and give them to the Mega-Maniacs. This Wrestlemania is so weird in terms of ref actions. Where was that in the first match of the night? Money Inc with the heel beatdown. Dibiase puts the Million Dollar Dream on Hogan and Hogan sells it like a regular sleeper. Brutus applies his shitty sleeper and Dibiase is in a coma in like 2 seconds. Fuck Brutus. Double knockout. Fuck this shit. Hot tag offense from Brutus til he gets drilled by IRS sweet gold briefcase. They take off his shitty mask. Another ref bump. Hogan attacks Money Inc with the masks. Jimmy Hart thinks by switching his jacket around he can be a ref and counts to 3. Mega Maniacs start celebrating for some reason. How stupid can they be? Another ref comes out to DQ Hogan for using the mask. Seriously, where was the ref during the main event? Mega-Maniacs continue to be the heels in the match by threatening the ref for DQing them. Seriously, fuck this. Then they open IRS briefcase and start tossing ones into the audience. Cheapskates.
Luger vs Mr. Perfect
Goddamn at the women who come out with Luger. Like, damn. Seriously. Mr. Perfect gets a huge pop. This match could have been something, but isince this is WM9, its all terrible. Luckily its short. Henning had some loud ass chops on Luger. Really, the match is super short and all about teasing the forearm and the knockout. Match ends with the two fighting over a backslide and Luger winning and the ref missing that Hennings feet were on the rope and no ref comes out to fix this grave mistake because fuck consistency. Forget 3-month rule, it was 3 minute rule for this Wrestlemania. After the match, Luger hits the forearm and Henning chases after he recovers, only to get attacked by Shawn Michaels. So we get denied the good stuff
Giant Gonzalez vs Undertaker
We all know this match. It has a vulture, truly terrible ring gear and just a shitshow all around. Seriously, who decided that Gonzalezs costume needed an asscrack? Also, the vultures feet are tied together and it tries to fly away to freedom but it cant because fuck animals apparently. SO yeah, the match is shit and so is the finish. UT won by DQ, which is the only non-clean win on his winning streak. So clearly Giant Gonzales is UTs greatest opponent. Take that L Triple H. I need this question answered, how did Harvey Whippleman manage to have a job for so long? It makes no sense. Almost as much sense as this match going 7:30 and the post-match segment going for seemingly just as long. The yoyo choke segment is legit hilarious though. So is Gonzales selling. This match took 5 tries to get through. Its really as bad as they say.
Mean Gene interviews Hogan. Why? Because hes a selfish dick and a racist. Throws out the term jap with no hint of remorse. So fuck Hogan.
Another Todd Pettengill segment. Fuck that guy.
Yokozuna vs Bret Hart
Hart starts with a flurry of offense and then it goes downill after. I really like Yokozunas leg drop. Looks so much better than Hogans. Bret with a foot up in the corner to make a comeback, but Yokozuna ends that with a superkick! Yokozuna has to be the biggest dude ever to do a superkick. Another splash attempt is countered and Hart with the bulldog and elbow drop. Hart with the punches in the corner, but Yokozuna drags him away but Hart rips off the turnbuckle and Yokozuna eventually goes into it. Hart applies the sharpshooter but Fuji throws the salt into Harts eyes and Hebners head. Seriously, the ref sees Hart covering his eyes and just stares like an idiot. Yokozuna wins and is the new champ. Hogan comes out to be a selfish dick
Hogan vs Yokozuna
Hogan is a dick. Just remember folks, no matter what happens at WMXXX, be glad it isnt the ending to WM9. Fuck Hogan.
