Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present to you the very first edition of "Super WrassleGAF Wrestling Write-up Number One Featuring XenoRaven". Today's topic will be Wrestling Dontaku!
I would like to point out a couple of things before I start. First, I have been having horrible sleep issues lately. I average about 4-5 hours of sleep a night even when I'm exhausted. This has caused me to be very cranky. I believe this has affected my impressions of the event. Second, I watched in two parts. The first part is a little hazy since I watched it last week, whereas I remember the second part a little better. Ok, enough of that, let's get started!
Dark Match
4-man tag
Okada's Friend, Okada's Friend's Friend, YOSHI-HASHI, and Tomohiro Ishii
vs.
Offensive Gay Stereotype, Mutant Red Power Ranger, Redundant Nickname, and Yuji f'n Nagata
My very first experience ordering a non-WWE PPV starts here. 4 and a half hours? What the hell??? I am not going to be able to watch this in one sitting. Good value for the money though. The night starts off with a 4-man tag with the above wrestlers. I like this idea a lot. There are a lot of great wrestlers who have aged and are past their prime. The fans still love them. Instead of jobbing their current roster out to geriatric old men, they put them all together in a match! What a novel concept!
I was very quick to judge Japan for MAXIMO. He prances around with pink hair and kisses other wrestlers who then sell it like they just got punched in the mouth. Then I did a little research and realized MAXIMO isn't Japan's creation, but Mexico's. Well nice going Mexico.
This was a fun match and a great warm up to the actual event. Yuji Nagata is such a damn badass. Love that guy. I checked out his Wikipedia page after the match and learned he tried MMA for a bit. He is decidedly less badass in the MMA world. Jushin Liger pins Okada's Friend for the win.
Also, I will never find the fact that Tiger Mask is a guy with a tiger mask not hilarious.
1st Match
IWGP Jr. Tag Title Match
KUSHIDA and Alex Shelley (c)
vs.
Rocky Romero and Mini-Zangief
Alex Koslov is Russian. Oh, you couldn't tell by his name? Ok, we'll make sure he wears some sort of Russian hat, sings the Russian national anthem, and incorporates the Kossack Dance into his offense. Yes, that all happens. Really this is a theme I'm noticing in NJPW. If you are not Japanese your gimmick will most likely be taken to an ridiculous extreme. Maybe the idea is it helps overcome the language barrier? Who knows?
The match starts off a little slow, but I think this is a characteristic of most NJPW matches. Also like most NJPW matches it really picks up. I really like the tag team offense, especially from KUSHIDA and Shelley. They make it seem like these teams actually practice together and develop moves for certain situations. I prefer this to just having the tag team tag each other a lot and then have the commentators tell me they're working well together.
Koslov and Romero have a pretty cool tag finisher. Koslov gets KUSHIDA up in a Torture Rack position, Romero does a springboard knee smash to KUSHIDA's head while Koslov drops him. Romero covers, Shelley tries to go for the save, but Koslov jumps on him to stop the interference. 1-2-3. New tag team champs, comrade! For the Motherland!
2nd Match
Tag Match
Prince Devitt and Bad News Bear
vs.
Ryusuke Taguchi and Captain New Japan
I'd heard a lot about Prince Devitt from WrassleGAF. This sounds weird, but I did not expect him to be white. I think it's because I automatically associate anyone with "Prince" in their name with Prince Iaukea. I don't like his taunt. It makes it seem like the pistol he's firing is out of bullets.
Video package time. Devitt and Taguchi were apparently tag team partners. Devitt got sick of Taguchi losing all the time and dumped that dead weight for some big dude named Bad Luck Fale. Bad Luck Fale kind of gets a raw deal here in my opinion. The guy's an enforcer. He's big and he kicks a lot of ass. Yet he has to carry Devitt on his shoulders all over the place. What the hell man? The only way I'd be cool with that if Prince Devitt was actually a real Prince and I was from the same country as him. Actually, not even then. I mean, Devitt's balls are basically on the back of his neck. No thanks.
I have no nicknames for Captain New Japan. He seems kind of like Santino Marella to me. He also seems to suck and lose all the time. Taguchi has "Funky Weapon" on his trunks but nothing about him seems funky. Really these two make a great team because they both seem lame.
Devitt and Fale beat the crap out of them. Fale has a neat finisher. He lifts Captain New Japan up by his throat and then drives him to the mat with a Samoan Spike. Devitt does a top rope foot dive onto Captain New Japan's stomach. Match over.
3rd Match
4-Way IWGP Tag Title Match
Lance Archer(c) and Davey Boy Smith Jr.(c)
vs.
Hiroyoshi Tenzan and Satoshi Kojima
vs.
Manabu Nakanishi and StrongMan
vs.
Toru Yano and Takashi Iizuka
I'll get this out of the way early. I don't like 4-Way tag matches. Really I don't like any match that involves more than two wrestlers in the ring at once for a majority of the time. It gets too sloppy, crazy, and disorganized. The pacing, drama, and storytelling of a match get traded in for wacky spot time.
With that said, I found this match to be sloppy, crazy, and disorganized. Takashi Iizuka is weird. I don't know what his deal is. He walks around looking all crazy and his erratic movements make me think he doesn't know where the ring is. Is he supposed to be insane? At first I thought he was like one of those guys with the claws in Resident Evil 4. Completely blind, relies completely on hearing, but point him at a target and he'll beat the shit out of it.
At this point I have come to realize that the lariat in NJPW is the equivalent of the DDT in attitude era WWE. Everyone does it, and it can be used in any situation. Reveral, desperation, "OUTTA NOWHERE", or even as a finisher. Stan Hansen really left his mark on Japanese wrestling.
I don't remember anything about this match really other than Tenzan and Kojima, who appear to be the smallest and most out of shape people in the match, won the titles.
4th Match
NAEVER Open Weight Class Championship Match
Masato Tanaka (c) vs. Tomoaki Honma
I have no idea what a NAEVER Open Weight Class Championship is. I understand the open weight class part. I struggle with the NAEVER part. Is it no DQ, like the Hardcore Championship? I only as because Tanaka smashed a few plastic chairs over Honma's head. I guess they don't have steel (aluminum) folding chairs in NJPW.
Anyway, good to see Tanaka again. I remember him from my short period watching ECW. Lots of chop battles in this match. I don't know how they make the slap sound without turning their chests beet red. Tanaka does a bunch of ECW things. Honma seems to have the combined moves of CM Punk, Chris Jericho, and Santino Marella. Second Santino reference for you.
Honma's tights make me kind of uncomfortable. On one hand, there are hot anime girls on them. On the other hand, I will have to stare at his ass if I want to look at them. I guess if you're bisexual his tights could be pretty awesome. Anyway, Tanaka retains his title by smashing Honma in the face with his elbow. There are a lot of strike finishers in NJPW and I think that is cool.
5th Match
Special Singles Match
Tougi Makabe vs. Japanese Val Venis
I guess a special singles match is a match where they just show off two wrestlers for the hell of it, or if they have a feud they need to resolve. No title on the line, just two guys beating the crap out of each other. Fine by me.
Japanese people by and large have the same color hair, so I can understand their desire to bleach it and style it in odd ways, but unfortunately, bleaching stopped being cool in America like 15 years ago or something at this point. Yujiro Takahashi comes out with a banana in his tights. I half expected him to eat it when he got to the ring. Instead he hands it to one of the ringside guys. I wonder if they're going to give it back to him after the match.
Match starts. It's apparent right off the bat that Yujiro is a worm. There are some guys that cheat when they see an opportunity. There are other guys where every fiber of their being compels them to cheat in every possible situation. Yujiro is one of those. I kind of like it. The crowd does not seem to. They don't boo him or anything, he just doesn't seem to get a reaction at all. Meanwhile, Makabe seems like a badass that doesn't have time for Yujiro's crap. The crowd does react to Yujiro getting his ass beat, so that's good at least. At one point Makabe appears to have had enough of Yujiro's antics, grabs the chain that he wears to the ring, and wraps it around his right arm. Yujiro sees it and practically begs Makabe to hit him with it. Yujiro has no qualms about getting smashed in the mouth by a chain if it means he wins by DQ. Yujiro points directly to his jaw, Makabe hits him with a big lariat...with his left arm. Love it. It's basically downhill for Yujiro from here. Top rope diving knee drop from Makabe, who is a big dude. 1-2-3.
I am tired, and this is kind of a lot to read, so I'm going to take a break here. I'll post up part 2 of my write-up later.
EDIT: Part 2 is finished and can be found
here.
