And here we go... on to the fourth chapter of the great and illustrious adventure that draws gasps of excitement and horror from all he behold it. Yes, my friends, it's the newest update to...
The Sales-Age Saga
Drama! Action! Laughter! Romance!
.
*~*
Chapter 1 (MC 3/19 - 3/25 2007)
Chapter 2 (MC 3/26 - 4/1 2007)
Chapter 3 (MC 4/2 - 4/8 2007)
*~*
They had scarce landed in the current dimension when Bob gave a scream of mortal agony and crumpled to the ground, one skeletal hand clutching reflexively at his chest.
After various starts of surprise, the majority of the consoles quickly surrounded Bob as he writhed about helplessly, attempting to find some way to aid their friend.
"Bob! What happened, man?"
"...! Hold on, Bob! Just hang in there!"
"Bob? Bob! BOOOOOOBBBBB!!!"
Another inhuman shriek tore itself from the Playstation 3's throat, and briefly it managed to half-rise into a partially sitting position.
"IT BURNSSSS!!! IT BURRNSSSS WITH THE AGONY OF A THOUSSSAND SSSUNSSS!"
Dennis frowned. "Thousand suns? Wait a sec, assuming that none of the suns are particularly hotter than the other, such as, say, a blue giant as compared to a red one, would a thousand suns really be any more agonizing than a single sun?"
Henry shrugged. "Well, maybe Bob means that it's like being immersed in a thousand suns, one by one."
"But then there's the rest time in between what it would take to traverse the distance between one sun and another. In the end, assuming the same amount of time is spent in a single sun as opposed to a thousand suns, I'd say the agony would be just about equal."
"True, but one leaves out the hurt that comes from being hurtled from a raging hot fireball of igniting gases into the freezing cold of deep space, en route another sun. Of course, that presupposes that we're talking about the suns as they're currently placed in our universe, and not... I dunno, lined up for easy access from one to another or someth-"
"Would both of you cut it out?" Tack said in a annoyed voice over the continuous wail as he rapidly tapped on the PDA he was carrying in with him. "It's the sales. Again."
"Sales? Wha- oh, my." Elsie frowned. "This week's NPD week as well, isn't it?"
"Yup. The little bugger fell just shy of 12K in Nintendoland-"
"Japan. It's 'Japan', not 'Nintendoland'."
"Coulda fooled me. Anyway, like I said, PS3 failed to break 12K in Japan... and it sold 130K in the NPD for March... which means it got beat by the GBA. Again."
"...Right." The Wii shook her head and returned to trying to move Bob into a more comfortable position. "He had this seizures when February's NPD came in, as I recall. They weren't this bad last time, though."
"Um..." John spoke up hesitantly. "Aren't we in a dimension with great Sony sales? Can't he siphon energy from here?"
"Technically, yes." Richard said thoughtfully as he stroked his beard. "However, we're more rooted to the dimension that we originally came from - its sales affects us regardless of where we are. In foreign dimensions, we need to be in close proximity to some sort of display for the sales. And before you ask, don't request a technical explanation from me why this is so. Suffice it to say it is a very long and complicated matter involving quantum theory, nonlinear metaphysics, and the Easter Bunny."
"...Right. So I suppose the fact that we're currently in the middle of some sort of rainforest would pose a problem." John mumbled.
"Yes, there is that." Dennis folded his arms as he heard the soft hooting of some tropical bird in the distance. "The DFA is still an imperfect technology, after all."
"Now what?" Tack sighed. "We're stuck here with an incapacitated console in the ass-end of nowhere, we're still going to need to recharge the DFA before we can get out of here, and there's some giant...
thing that's about to eat us."
On that word, the rest of the people there turned around to see
it. Later, in a more lucid moment, they would describe as 'sorta like a cross between a dinosaur, a twinkie, and two gamecubes duct-taped together, only a whole lot more
evil'. Currently, however, their attention was drawn to the rather impressive of sharp and pointy teeth the creature possessed.
The fact that it was drooling was also probably not a good sign.
It was one of those moments in which the entire group
knew what they had to do. No actual words needed to be said. They were quick, they were decisive, and on some hidden signal, they sprang into action.
Namely, they turned and ran liked scared children, screaming all the while.
Now, of course, the discerning reader might be wondering how the 'in-a-very-large-amount-of-pain' Bob was going to pull himself into anything remotely resembling the velocity and/or speed necessary to get himself to heck out of there.
Not to worry. In the true tradition of all close friends, Henry had seized Bob as he fled, and now had a deathgrip on the Playstation 3 as he crashed through the undergrowth.
Of course, he had neglected to pay attention to exactly what part of his boney friend he had seized. And thus it was that over the sound of the screaming, over the sound of the creatures fearsome roars (which, incidentally, sounded strangely like children's laughter), was the sound of Bob's enraged howls.
"YOU'VE GOT YOUR ****ING FINGERSSS IN MY ****ING EYESSS, YOU ****ING SSSON OF A VIRTUAL BOY! **** YOU, YOU ****ING ***** *******!!! AND IT
STILL BURNSSS WITH THE AGONY OF A THOUSSSAND SSUNSSS!!! **** **** ****!"
Henry paid this scant attention, focusing more on not getting eaten before Mass Effect and Halo 3 came out and thus depriving him of the chance to experience the wonder. Using his timing, he veered to the left on a sudden whim, causing the dino-twinkie-twin gamecube creature that had been hot on his heels to make sudden and bone jarring contact with a rather sturdy tree.
Unfortunately for the consoles, the creature was apparently one that suscribed to the 'If at first you don't succeed, try again.' school of thought. Bellowing once more, it charged at Henry and Bob with fresh zeal.
It was then that Elsie appeared at the creature's side like a burst of white lightning. From some hidden fold in her dress, she drew her Wiimote (it's not what you think. You're disgusting), holding it aloft like a saber of divine righteousness. The creature had just enough time to notice the Wii at it's side before she brought it slashing down on the creature's neck.
Whud
Elsie glared with naked disappointment at the tennis racket that had appeared in her hand. "Oh, yeah... I'm still loaded with Wii Sports."
The creature had just finished processing the fact that the tiny thing in white was
not, in fact, a substantial threat, and in fact stood a fair amount of potential to be rather delicious, and was about to open it's mouth in the intents of carrying out a taste test when a cry came fro the trees.
"Sis!"
Suddenly, what appeared to be an extremely localized icestorm exploded from the dense foliage, coating the left side of the foul beast in a thick coat of ice. As the creature roared and struggled to break free, Dennis appeared from the undergrowth, face set into an impassive mask. Raising his scepter, he swung it in a wide arc.
Ccchkk!
The severed head of the creature slowly slid off the neck and toppled to the ground. A moment later, the body followed, causing the ground to rumble. Only then did Dennis grin, raising his scepter into the air in a symbol of victory.
"And you couldn't have pulled that off a bit sooner?!" A rather exhausted John demanded as he slumped against a tree trunk, panting for air.
"Give me a break, man." Dennis shrugged as he returned his staff to the usual resting position on his shoulder. "I had to boot up and run my game any everything. That takes time, you know."
"YOU CAN LET GO OF MY EYEHOLESSS NOW, YOU ****ING *******!!!"
"Anyway, nice ambush Elsie, even if didn't go as planned." Dennis grinned at his younger sister. "Maybe next time you should try a Virtual Console game instead!"
The Wii merely rolled her eyes.
"Guys?" Tack's voice floated through the woods. "You might wanna come see this."
*~*
John gazed over the cliff edge at the relatively large city that spread out before them. "Wow. What kind of rainforest has such a developed civilisation so close to it?"
"Quite a few, even back in our own dimension." Clementine chuckled. "Ah, my legs do ache. I'm not as hardy as Richard back there..."
"Anyway, see that path?" Tack pointed down at a stone trail that led down into the city. "It should lead us into the city. We can get some good sales numbers for Sony there, print 'em out or whatever, and come back."
"What, we can't take Bob with us?" John questioned.
"Well, he's not exactly in the best shape right now. I wouldn't move him unless we really needed to. Plus, the path could be difficult to maneuver if we're carrying someone. Best bet is, we split into two teams. One stays here and looks over the skeleton, the other makes headway into town."
"...The Nintendo systems should stay." Richard voiced after some hesitation. "They've learnt a thing or two over the years on subsisting with lousy sales. We're not really trained with that."
"Got it." Elsie nodded. "We'll do what we can for Bob."
"Meanwhile, Henry, Tack, and John... follow me. We'll go get those numbers he needs so badly." Richard sighed as he said this, and John could sense his disappointment.
"Shouldn't take more than two days, there and back." Tack grinned. "You ready, Henry?"
"..."
"Henry?" Tack and John turned, and only then did they see Henry standing stock still, his eyes rapidly flashing red three times.
"Oh, bloody..." Tack grumbled. "He had to break down
now?"
*~*
*~*
No prizes for guessing what game's loaded into Dennis right now.
As always, feedback would be much appreciated.
I'm probably going to do a 'Character Synopsis' post sooner or later...
