Thanks! And I want her to stay out of my mind, but the guy she is seeing lives an apartment complex right across the street from my subdivision, so I see her car parked or drive across her way more than I'd like
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
Thanks! And I want her to stay out of my mind, but the guy she is seeing lives an apartment complex right across the street from my subdivision, so I see her car parked or drive across her way more than I'd like
Insane Metal
Member
So today I woke up with a bad headache. I decide to wait before taking an aspirin to see if it will just go away. Nope. So I take an aspirin. Nothing. I take something a bit stronger. Nothing. My mom then tells me to go to a drugstore to check my blood pressure. I'm like 'wtf is she talking about', but I go anyway. And so today I found out I'm probably hypertensive too. Great news.
CheesecakeRecipe
Stormy Grey
I let Bagels know that we'll need a new OT soon! He's busy with work and some other stuff, but he'll get to it as soon as he can.
RoyalLaFlame
Banned
I've been feeling like shit lately. Found a girl I really like (big friend of a friend of mine) and we started talking. She told me she broke up with her ex back in February so I'm like "Ok, I'm not exactly looking for a relationship right now".
She gave me her number and we started talking, no stress just friendly chat. We started to have feelings for each other, she starts holding my hand, being kinky with me and all that. I was starting to feel something for her and one day I just decided to kiss her. She liked it and said she felt something for me too. We started hanging out without anyone knowing and last June she asked me if I felt something more about her - I felt that I shouldn't say it so soon because she broke up with her ex a few months back... she wants me to say it and so I say I love her... and she says she loves me too.
She kept saying she loved me, we had good times together until one day she decides to break up with me and says she's not ready for a relationship. Funny thing - I told her before she was not ready but she insisted she was.
We kept talking and she says we should keep talking. Yesterday she decides not to reply to me anymore. I haven't sent her any text today...
I feel horrible, depressed, used and disappointed. She says she didn't use me as she still likes me but it's getting hard to believe in that each day it passes.
Fucking hell, I'm not mad just fucking disappointed...
EDIT: I know this isn't as serious as some problems here but I just needed to write it down. I feel like shit everyday and try to hide it from everyone. I was so happy and suddenly I feel like this.
She gave me her number and we started talking, no stress just friendly chat. We started to have feelings for each other, she starts holding my hand, being kinky with me and all that. I was starting to feel something for her and one day I just decided to kiss her. She liked it and said she felt something for me too. We started hanging out without anyone knowing and last June she asked me if I felt something more about her - I felt that I shouldn't say it so soon because she broke up with her ex a few months back... she wants me to say it and so I say I love her... and she says she loves me too.
She kept saying she loved me, we had good times together until one day she decides to break up with me and says she's not ready for a relationship. Funny thing - I told her before she was not ready but she insisted she was.
We kept talking and she says we should keep talking. Yesterday she decides not to reply to me anymore. I haven't sent her any text today...
I feel horrible, depressed, used and disappointed. She says she didn't use me as she still likes me but it's getting hard to believe in that each day it passes.
Fucking hell, I'm not mad just fucking disappointed...
EDIT: I know this isn't as serious as some problems here but I just needed to write it down. I feel like shit everyday and try to hide it from everyone. I was so happy and suddenly I feel like this.
If it's impacting your mental health (and it clearly is), I think you have as much right to post in here as anyone. I'm sorry this woman has hurt you. It sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants (or worse, she just decided she doesn't want you and tried to let you off easy). Either way, I would get some space from the situation, focus on other things. I hope you feel better soon.
RoyalLaFlame
Banned
I feel so used...
I just burst into tears sometimes. But thank you, I know I will recover from this but it will take some time.
Primary/idiopathic/chronic hypertension usually does not cause headaches. However, headaches (i.e. pain) naturally raises blood pressure; it's a physiologic response. If they measured your blood pressure while you had a headache, a slightly high reading is expected.
TheAutomator
Banned
Singulair should be banned.
I dont have anyone to talk to..so...
I miss my mom a lot. Shes been dead 7 years as of last week. Its been more like ten because it took 3 yrs for the dementia to kill her.
I hate the summer because it feels like her death ruined the summer. Her birthday is next week and mine in few weeks. I feel nothing but dread for the summer. The humidity is like a trigger for me. I remember the hot day when she died.
I tried going to a doctor in december of last year. I got a referral to a therapist. They never called to make an appointment with me and I never called them because of anxiety. (I'm tired of trying to explain my problems with anxiety to people who don't understand how horrible it is to be crippled by it.)
I wish I could call right now but its 12am.....and i wont call when i wake up because I'll temporarily feel "better".....
I dont know what to do with my life. I dont have a job. (never had one. I'm almost 31 yrs old. Yeah. so make fun of me, i guess.) ..im just a depressed leech....no aspirations or anything...
any advice for figuring it out? I know..asking depressed people if theyve got their shit together is laughable...we're all suffering and miserable.. but..ill take anything...please..
I miss my mom a lot. Shes been dead 7 years as of last week. Its been more like ten because it took 3 yrs for the dementia to kill her.
I hate the summer because it feels like her death ruined the summer. Her birthday is next week and mine in few weeks. I feel nothing but dread for the summer. The humidity is like a trigger for me. I remember the hot day when she died.
I tried going to a doctor in december of last year. I got a referral to a therapist. They never called to make an appointment with me and I never called them because of anxiety. (I'm tired of trying to explain my problems with anxiety to people who don't understand how horrible it is to be crippled by it.)
I wish I could call right now but its 12am.....and i wont call when i wake up because I'll temporarily feel "better".....
I dont know what to do with my life. I dont have a job. (never had one. I'm almost 31 yrs old. Yeah. so make fun of me, i guess.) ..im just a depressed leech....no aspirations or anything...
any advice for figuring it out? I know..asking depressed people if theyve got their shit together is laughable...we're all suffering and miserable.. but..ill take anything...please..
Hey, dude. Sorry you're suffering. Have you sought treatment for your anxiety? I think if you can get that at least a little under control, therapy would definitely be a good start for you.
from what my doctor tells me that's basically depression in a nutshell. i've been going through the exact same thing for a year now.
i started taking caffeine supplements recently. helps keep me awake and alert at work, but i still come home and just crash for like 3 hours every day.
i'd be pretty down to just lie in my bed all day every day. sleep is the least depressing thing I can do, until the nightmares start coming. which is pretty frequent for me >_<
My dad died 10 years ago. These couple months are bad for most of my family, his birthday was in July and he died in August so summers basically suck (they already sucked because of the unbearable heat but its like super saiyan suck). Not sure about advice about doing stuff or your situation. Not having aspirations is a subjective thing, have you ever considered taking a few courses at a community college? Sometimes that can be inspirational at finding a goal or something to work toward. Hobbies or something to do can also be great "distractions' for mental issues ( i call them distractions but others call them coping mechanisms). Things like art, model building, photography or even simple things like gaming or reading. I try to go the more creative route because it helps to know i'm creating something with my time.
It's a good idea to see a specialist. A counselor is just going to be there for you to talk to and walk through cognitive therapy techniques. They can help with goals and be a safe place for you to talk. It might be good for you if you think you have no one to talk to. A Psych doctor will prescribe medicine but they usually don't do the whole talking thing, for me its really impersonal. It is still important because if you have anxiety and depression issues medication can help with both of those things. I have to take a valium or two just to go walmart and get a few things so it is helpful. Don't be afraid to ask for help and don't let the 'upswings' fool you. If you've gone through ups and downs before then you know it will come back and its good to be prepared. Good luck and this is always a good place to post and talk about these things.
I personally wouldn't do the caffeine supplements (mainly because of my heart) but I guess if it works for you. Yea that downswing, apathy, lack of energy, etc. That's wonderful anhedonia for ya. Thats like normal speed for me the last couple years and it sucks. My only advice is to stay strong and don't give into that bed calling and if you have friends make a point to try and hang out with them, just stay active. If your nightmares are recent and you are on any type of mental medication you might want to talk to your doctor. Sometimes meds can cause those and if its debilitating you might want to change up your meds. Good luck, keep checking in.
DarknessTear
Banned
Diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in April. Have had two relapses in a short time and it feels like a third one is coming already. So I'm guessing my condition is aggro. All the treatments I've had, the constant doctor and hospital visits. Not really sure if life is worth it. I've been having more and more suicidal thoughts but I doubt I'd act on them - but sometimes they get pretty intense and I start playing with how I'm going to do it even if I know deep down that I won't.
Of course the obvious answer is to see someone about it. I'm sure I will. But I have a lot on my plate right now so I guess venting a little is enough for me. Depression and anxiety makes my condition worse, and both of those have consumed me for weeks on end. Maybe I need to be medicated.
Of course the obvious answer is to see someone about it. I'm sure I will. But I have a lot on my plate right now so I guess venting a little is enough for me. Depression and anxiety makes my condition worse, and both of those have consumed me for weeks on end. Maybe I need to be medicated.
This weekend!
User 479360
Banned
I'll have to ask my doctor again in September. The pills I was on for energy worked a bit, but they were an antipsychotic and sometimes left me feeling weird. The first time I took them, I couldn't sleep, because my arm kept buzzing.
Glad to hear that's working for you. I've tried multiple things and will have to just keep trying, I guess.
Colouring is starting to become the only thing I enjoy. It keeps me busy, but my shopping addiction has led to me buying far too many supplies and books.
I know how you feel. Honestly, I do. It's awful, and I'm sorry you're in a similar boat.
I just lost my Mom less than four months ago. She meant everything to me, and I feel empty without her. Lost, upset, angry, betrayed, jealous, depressed, sad, suicidal. I couldn't imagine living without her, and now that she's gone I don't know what to do with myself. I can hardly get up off the couch. I have no energy. Very little interests me. Every day is aimless.
I try to push myself to go out some days, but I come up with excuses or get too tired to go. My meds are making it hard to sleep properly, or feel refreshed, but it's not just them.
I also can't really work, and that weighs on me constantly. I feel like a failure, a thief because I'm on disability and like a waste who's going to end up in Hell for being lazy. In some ways, I think I am lazy, but my depression is also debilitating.
I wish there was a way to know if we'll see them again. That's what really plays on my mind. I miss her so much, so I understand exactly where you're coming from.
If you want to talk, feel free to send me a PM.
Sorry to hear about your nightmares
I drink a lot of pop and energy drinks, but they don't help all that much.
Stop slacking, Bagels!
Omega Kirby
Member
Hello Gaf, might as well get this off my chest.
I'm very apathetic. It's something I really dislike about myself but I just don't what to do about it.
Why do people become friends or lovers? Because there's a certain emotional connection, but I have such a hard time connecting to people cause I just simply can't find it in me to care. It all feels like too much effort and a waste of time
You could tell me a personal story about yourself, and to me it just goes in one ear and out the other. Thus not surprisingly I have very little friends aka people I only talk to in class and never see anywhere else. Of course this apathy also filters into my dating life where I can't even find myself interested in getting to know the girl and I'm just trying to date cause that's what people have to do, it all feels forced. I feel like everything I do is fake, nothing is genuine.
Am I starting to play a sport cause it's something I've always wanted to do? Or is it really because I need something to talk about to someone lest they find out I lead such a mundane and lonely life. Am I really a funny person? Or am I just pretending to be cause I'm desperate for any kind of attention.
I know people say you have to find yourself, but what the fuck does that mean? I don't even know where to start, I don't even know if im being true to myself or if i'm really me
I'm very apathetic. It's something I really dislike about myself but I just don't what to do about it.
Why do people become friends or lovers? Because there's a certain emotional connection, but I have such a hard time connecting to people cause I just simply can't find it in me to care. It all feels like too much effort and a waste of time
You could tell me a personal story about yourself, and to me it just goes in one ear and out the other. Thus not surprisingly I have very little friends aka people I only talk to in class and never see anywhere else. Of course this apathy also filters into my dating life where I can't even find myself interested in getting to know the girl and I'm just trying to date cause that's what people have to do, it all feels forced. I feel like everything I do is fake, nothing is genuine.
Am I starting to play a sport cause it's something I've always wanted to do? Or is it really because I need something to talk about to someone lest they find out I lead such a mundane and lonely life. Am I really a funny person? Or am I just pretending to be cause I'm desperate for any kind of attention.
I know people say you have to find yourself, but what the fuck does that mean? I don't even know where to start, I don't even know if im being true to myself or if i'm really me
Stop slacking, Bagels!
He's so lazy. I mean, jesus.
I guess some things never change. Probably still terrible at Scottish accents too!
Not checked in here, or with some of you individually in a while. Depression has been more stable in recent months, so a lot less bad days than I used to get. Which has been a relief, as those spikes down in mood were rough. Anxiety is still a fairly regular bother, as is socialising like a regular person, but it's a start. I feel fairly confident that more improvements will come with time. Which is strange for me to say, since I've had little to no optimism for years now. It all still feels like a rather slow process vs where I actually want to be, but some progress is better than none. And I hope you all continue to have your own.
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
You can't "find yourself", which is probably why "know thyself" was an inscription on the temple of the oracle of Delphi, if I remember correctly. That drove people nuts, and the oracle was nuts, and she was wrong about every goddamn "prophesy" she made.
The Ancient Greeks were pretty fun in that regard. They knew stuff, and they put into their dramatic plays (and myths, as we know some of those).
I suggest starting there with your knowledge quest, if you're not going to visit a mental health professional. Ironically, the acquisition of self-knowledge is a skill that can gained by reading. You can ponder life questions alone, but it's easier with a friend, and there are many to choose from.
Deep apathy is a sign of depression though, as depression is mostly a lack of vitality, not happiness. Talk to your doctor or directly to a professional if you feel it's going too far.
edit: not intended to be too much of a fly-by or pretend I know mental health.
I visited my therapist of a year+ today and basically she told me I have to prepare to leave and start talking with a new counselor. She didn't exactly say that, but I get the feeling she kinda wanted me to make the change before it's forced me (I can't talk with her when I turn 19)
honestly it depressed me because I don't have any interest in getting to know a new therapist, telling my story all over again etc
I'm probably gonna stop counseling altogether after this.
honestly it depressed me because I don't have any interest in getting to know a new therapist, telling my story all over again etc
I'm probably gonna stop counseling altogether after this.
tearsofash
Member
Starting counseling all over again sucks. I hate that you have to go through that.
On the other hand I get to start all over in a brand new state instead of a state well known for having bad mental healthcare.
On the other hand I get to start all over in a brand new state instead of a state well known for having bad mental healthcare.
grap3fruitman
Banned
People watching makes me want to die. I'll never be a fraction as happy as them. Why bother?
At the moment, I have so many emotions going through my head right now. Like a bad cold, it feels like my head and feelings are incredibly stuffed up that it makes me want to cry, but I'm incapable, and it makes it all the more harder.
I've been pretty good for the past several months, but there are times when this happens & I don't know what to do. Any advice?
I've been pretty good for the past several months, but there are times when this happens & I don't know what to do. Any advice?
I guess some things never change. Probably still terrible at Scottish accents too!
Not checked in here, or with some of you individually in a while. Depression has been more stable in recent months, so a lot less bad days than I used to get. Which has been a relief, as those spikes down in mood were rough. Anxiety is still a fairly regular bother, as is socialising like a regular person, but it's a start. I feel fairly confident that more improvements will come with time. Which is strange for me to say, since I've had little to no optimism for years now. It all still feels like a rather slow process vs where I actually want to be, but some progress is better than none. And I hope you all continue to have your own.
Coliiiiiiiiiiiiiiin! Send me an email!
I think people have different ways to deal with that. Exercise (hitting the gym as they say), hobbies, reading, gaming, distractions in general. Do you see a counselor? It can help sometimes just having someone to let it all out on, even if you don't find answers it can feel cleansing and give you a fresh perspective on things.
I worked like crazy the last two years of high school. In retrospect it really sucked watching the friends I did have really enjoy themselves and do shit. They had memories they talked about for years after that made me feel alienated. That was probably the start of my isolation from everybody. If you don't have a friend you feel close enough to talk to it might do good to find a counselor to see. This thread has proved to be a pretty good safe space to talk as well to at least get some things out.
Ok well after having been working for a few months now and being off medication due to lack of insurance until recently my depression has crept up on me but not in the usual way. I enjoy getting up and going to work but the second I am off work and home I just can't bring myself to do anything. My room is a complete mess, the lawn is in dire need of mowing and I just can't bring myself to do it. The more messy things get the worse I feel and I feel like fixing them even less. It doesn't help that the whole place is in need of repair from the landlord but they don't do shit. I feel like I've made friends at work but every time they ask person stuff I kind of just put up a wall. I usually am a very open person but I can't bring myself to open up to them like I usually would. Before I started working I had become more active going out walking and stuff most every day and I felt good. Since starting work that's just completely vanished. I try to bring myself to take the dogs on a walk or go to the park with my sister and her daughter yet I confine myself to my room unless I am going out for food or to go to the bathroom.
I got insurance again but the website for them is very confusing I have no idea who is covered for mental health stuff. I often get my phone and put their number in but then just don't hit dial my mind just says why bother it will just take money out of your pocket that you don't really have and probably not help anyway. Which is dumb cause I know it will help it did before I got my job. I feel like I am being swallowed up by darkness and I this time I just don't seem to have the energy to push through and find some light at the other side.
I got insurance again but the website for them is very confusing I have no idea who is covered for mental health stuff. I often get my phone and put their number in but then just don't hit dial my mind just says why bother it will just take money out of your pocket that you don't really have and probably not help anyway. Which is dumb cause I know it will help it did before I got my job. I feel like I am being swallowed up by darkness and I this time I just don't seem to have the energy to push through and find some light at the other side.
I'm only 31, but does anyone else feel like they've hit the pinnacle of their existence? I've already had and lost the women of my dreams, my job has become exhausting and is I dread it every day, but it pays well and I have no experience elsewhere. I just feel like I no longer have enjoyment out of life... I wish I could just stop existing, because every day is just an exhausting chore.
I was happiest in my early 20s. It's been all downhill from there. I'll be 36 in a few days.
I've felt weird the last few days. I haven't had my usual overarching sad feelings where I'm moments from crying or having a panic attack like I have had for months now. I'm just sort of.... Here? Like I still generally feel shitty about everything in life right now like the OCD, crappy social situation, and break-up, but I'm not having dramatic shifts in emotion lately. It's a really weird feeling.
Joelstinton14
Member
Yeah i think i am going through this at the moment. Your's, Ocd-Chewies and Mormont avatar (sorry forgotten your name) posts made my eyes light up, i was just writing a post on it before i decided to go back a few pages and reading if anyone had anything similar.
Long post incoming.
I’m feeling exhausted.
I’m 30, nearing 31 and i feel like a complete mess. I’ve been thinking of writing something out to post on here for sometime, but i feel there is so much to type out i don’t know where to even start.
I’ve been prone to low moods since my early twenties, and they come and go and i would know the signs and know they would pass, i could cope with them. But now i’m in this whole different world where.. i don’t know how to describe. Like a slump. An absence of feeling at all. I been a lot more fatigued than usual, and even had headache days that others have described, also seem to be a bit more run down than usual, having cold i can't shift, two in the space of a couple of months whereas it used to be rare that i would have one.
I don’t seem to care for anything at all, I have no ambition, the things i used to like i don’t engage with anymore, I don’t want to communicate with others. I have no sense of who I am and feel like i lost myself and my identity. I feel out of my depth. I can’t make simple and rational decisions that will improve my life.
This has been going on for two years now. I have always been a worrier, and since I have left uni I have struggled, but even before then i can look back on certain events and identify them as worried related. I have been prone to low moods and negative thought trains. The main worry was work, career, life, friends not liking me, and I would write lists about everything. But it wasn’t all bad, i was carefree, easy going, creative, socialble and loved reading, music, traveling and meeting new people.
I’m so indecisive it actually hurts. Just yesterday my parents asked me a simple question that i just gave up answering because of .. yeah.
About two years ago I started to realise i have OCD tendencies. In the flat i started to check doors, lights, boiler, taps, switches with regularity. When leaving the flat I would have to go through a cycle that i had to perform to be sure. Even then i wasn’t. This filtered through to general health worries (Gums), and stress with my flatmate at the time being away constantly (he is in the forces). Looking back on my life there are moments where i can relate to this.
Since August of two years ago i have been preoccupied with my Sexuality, and whether i am gay or not. I think i can call this HOCD. It has moved through several phrases. I would obsess /worry about it all day, from as soon as i wake up to bed, and even in the night when i had to go to the loo i would switch on straight away. I check my groin reaction all the time, and I had a pretty big identity crisis for a while. I look at pictures of men and women and gauge my reaction (always in favour of women), i have dreams where i check my reaction, and even have days when i worried and obsessed wether i wanted to be a woman. I look back on the that latter and think it is silly now. But my mind actually went there. If you told me that 5 years ago i would have laughed. I guess it was brought on doubts about my sexuality, and mainly by headlines in the papers of Frank Warren and Caitlin Jenner. What helped me was watching the Transgender kids doc by Louis Theroux, that really help me understand that I didn’t want to be a woman. For a couple of weeks I was scared shitless i was attracted to children. Seems crazy i am writing that. Never had thoughts that even entertained that idea before.
My problem about my sexuaity is that i just can’t be sure or trust what i am thinking. I do not know whether it is an off shoot of my suspected OCD, or it just a natural questioning phrase that happens to everyone. Until this started i never even really thought about, and i just presumed, or felt straight. I never even thought that a male could be attractive. There is nothing to suggest i am gay either, i mean i don’t find men attractive so to speak (although it has made me think I find best friends and work colleagues who i have known for years and years attractive, and at times when every male comes on tv , or i meet at work i seem to find attractive, it just this pre-occupation about being whether i am gay or not. It is on my mind 24/7). I always had strong male friend groups, been to uni, work in a busy public space, and it never occurred to me or i never thought about males. I have 4 or 5 gay or lesbian friends and it never crossed my mind that i am too.
The stupid thing about this is that in this time I had become really close with a girl i met a few years ago. As soon as i would see her or be around her, automatically this stupid big grin would appear on my face, we talked about everything together and for the first time in a long i felt something that strong around someone. We became quite close. But she had a boyfriend who she genuinely liked and things never moved on.
What as made it worse, is that i was best man for a friend two years ago, and this year 4 of my close mates have all got married. Whilst everyone as started to lay the foundations down for the rest of their lives, i’m just a frenzied ball of mass confusion. A time where i want to enjoy my friends success and their lives i’m just worried about my own.
I have always been a shy and arkward person when it comes to relationships, which i need to improve on. I find that i need to take my time and i think, and sure that i need to get to know someone before i find them attractive. There are girls i find physically of the bat, but generally i need to know them
It is stupid. Irrational. Like it has to be black or white, straight or gay. Surely most people would go, hey that might make me bi. But no. That rarely happens. Looking back on it because i been more self aware i have probably been more confident around women and get those feeling of attraction - butterflies, smiling, being interested in someone more than ever.
I just don’t know how to move on and just get on with my life. I feel stuck I rarely see my friends (they have their own lives), don;t have a social life anymore and my job isn’t fulfilling me. I wonder if that is driving this, that i’m not pre-occupied with something to do, engaging with people as i used to and naturally engaging with people. At the moment everytime i speak or meet someone my mind automatically starts to analyse them, do i find them attractive?
I started to take on this by addressing my issues in a way by entertaining the idea that i could be gay, working through it as though i was questioning my sexuality, but it hasn’t really brought success. Maybe it has, my good days are better and i did have a week where i felt confident in myself, but my bad days are worse, they tend to throw something a little bit worse at me.
I just want to wake up and not think about stuff, just lie there and take in everything, the light, the smell. I have;t been able to do that for ages. I just want to think about what i am going to do today, about my hobbies and how to improve myself, i don't want to be crippled about social anxiety, i just want to feel human again. I don’t know which thoughts are real and which thoughts that aren’t. I don’t know if i’m in denial or not, i just want to stop over analysing everything.
I'm working on the new OT now. It might start slightly bare bones - the last one took a week to write and a bunch of us worked on it. This one should be less massive, but I want it to still be a helpful resource.
PM me or post things you'd like to see in the the new OT. It will be a huge help to me!
PM me or post things you'd like to see in the the new OT. It will be a huge help to me!
RoyaleDuke
Banned
Well, my PC is pretty much fucked, but I temporarily got it up and running right now.
My PC is probably the last thing keeping me from going totally off the deep end, and I have no money at all to make any kind of repairs. So yeah. Horrible fucking day, had a huge meltdown and just got so fucking angry I almost punched several holes into my door.
I spent 3 hours ranting, crying, and raving with my parents as I tried to get my PC to come back to life. Cursing out God the entire time.
And it just makes me realize how All my problems are existential.
The world is a flaming garbage dump and it is only going to get worse.
I guess the only thing I have left to look forward to is that I won't have to live through the torture much longer.
I mean my Doctor tells me I have 5 years left to fucking live. Four really, considering everything.
You know it isn't fair, I may not be a child soldier in Africa or a syrian refugee, and I am so tired of people telling me it could be worse, and that I shouldn't complain because I live in a first world country.
You know what? Fuck you, fuck that. I live in a first world country sure, but I live on the fucking BOTTOM and you know what I can't even get the support that is supposed to be entitled to me. You know what else? My dad probably can't keep going at his job, and we barely make enough to live.
I mean we have no money, literally, and if one mistake happens on a paycheck we are always in a world of hurt.
The stress never stops, it never gets any better year in and year out and I just get sicker and feel even worse.
The only thing that makes everything okay costs me money we can't really afford but without it I am absolutely fucking crazy and in immense amounts of pain.
The more I think about it things, the more depressing it all becomes and I realize that if God really cared about me he would make my life, my family's life, and well everyones lives better. But for whatever bullshit reasons he has, he can't.
I can't begin to explain the rules of the universe, how hell or heaven works, or how being God or the Devil works.
I am not a God, I am just a pissed off human, who can't even fight off the other human assholes let alone omnipotent deities.
I just want justice and peace for my family and myself.
My PC is probably the last thing keeping me from going totally off the deep end, and I have no money at all to make any kind of repairs. So yeah. Horrible fucking day, had a huge meltdown and just got so fucking angry I almost punched several holes into my door.
I spent 3 hours ranting, crying, and raving with my parents as I tried to get my PC to come back to life. Cursing out God the entire time.
And it just makes me realize how All my problems are existential.
The world is a flaming garbage dump and it is only going to get worse.
I guess the only thing I have left to look forward to is that I won't have to live through the torture much longer.
I mean my Doctor tells me I have 5 years left to fucking live. Four really, considering everything.
You know it isn't fair, I may not be a child soldier in Africa or a syrian refugee, and I am so tired of people telling me it could be worse, and that I shouldn't complain because I live in a first world country.
You know what? Fuck you, fuck that. I live in a first world country sure, but I live on the fucking BOTTOM and you know what I can't even get the support that is supposed to be entitled to me. You know what else? My dad probably can't keep going at his job, and we barely make enough to live.
I mean we have no money, literally, and if one mistake happens on a paycheck we are always in a world of hurt.
The stress never stops, it never gets any better year in and year out and I just get sicker and feel even worse.
The only thing that makes everything okay costs me money we can't really afford but without it I am absolutely fucking crazy and in immense amounts of pain.
The more I think about it things, the more depressing it all becomes and I realize that if God really cared about me he would make my life, my family's life, and well everyones lives better. But for whatever bullshit reasons he has, he can't.
I can't begin to explain the rules of the universe, how hell or heaven works, or how being God or the Devil works.
I am not a God, I am just a pissed off human, who can't even fight off the other human assholes let alone omnipotent deities.
I just want justice and peace for my family and myself.
I go to the gym 4-5 times a week, along with setting aside some "me time" for recreational activities. I won't be able to see my psychiatrist until late September, and I haven't had much contact with my friends. I had sent them a message if they want to hang & I'm waiting to hear back.
My mum has been freaking out/yelling at me over trivial matters (most of which shouldn't be an issue in the first place), and my sister is going through a traumatizing event. It's those things that is wearing thin on my patience and empathy towards them, and I want to shut myself away from it.
TheAutomator
Banned
Wait, you have five years to live? Can you explain?
I want to respond to the people who left me notes in this thread but my internet is so shit right now. I will probably send pms to some of you at some point this week if its better. Just wanted to say thanks. (cant quote right now.)
I tried to call multiple therapists today. Left my number with all of them. None called. I hate the weekend.
What am I supposed to do on the weekends? Sit here and suffer in silence until Monday?
I dont want to be home tomorrow. I dont have friends or family to turn to. I dont know where to go.
I literally spent all day driving around and walking in stores. I just literally pissed away $20 for gas to do that. My feet hurt. My arm hurts too. I also rammed my car into a tree today because I was so upset. That was fun.
I dont know of any places I can go and sit there in silence. Wanted to go to a library but of course its closed tomorrow. I thought about going to a public park but I cant realistically spend all day walking again. Dont want to go to the movies..Any ideas of where I can go?
I tried to call multiple therapists today. Left my number with all of them. None called. I hate the weekend.
What am I supposed to do on the weekends? Sit here and suffer in silence until Monday?
I dont want to be home tomorrow. I dont have friends or family to turn to. I dont know where to go.
I literally spent all day driving around and walking in stores. I just literally pissed away $20 for gas to do that. My feet hurt. My arm hurts too. I also rammed my car into a tree today because I was so upset. That was fun.
I dont know of any places I can go and sit there in silence. Wanted to go to a library but of course its closed tomorrow. I thought about going to a public park but I cant realistically spend all day walking again. Dont want to go to the movies..Any ideas of where I can go?
RoyaleDuke
Banned
Basically, the form of RA I have is systemic, which is the worst kind, and yes all RA is technically a systemic disease(I had this confusion before), there is a form of it specifically labeled SRA. This is one of the worst forms of it, the immune system attacks the body and joint/connective tissue extremely aggressively. Basically, my immune system is eating me away, but it isn't like a wasting disease.
Basically I will eventually be in so much pain, and so weak, and my immune system will be too weak to fight any infections and basically I will expire from the infection and the stress of fighting it and my body eating itself up.
Most people don't live past 30 because of how intense it is, my Doctor said that I basically have 5 years left with how aggressive it is.
So yeah.
We've got...Five Years.
Got my PC semi stable again... had to create a backup usb windows 10 safety disk or whatever so that I can reinstall my OS if the registry decides to fuck itself again.
Which it isn't clear what caused that or my CPU to go haywire. On top of that I think my PSU might be on its way out.
half a moon
Banned
What the hell is NueroStar TMS transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy?
https://neurostar.com/neurostar-tms-depression-treatment/
Apparently there are a lot of locations
https://neurostar.com/neurostar-tms-depression-treatment/
Apparently there are a lot of locations
User 479360
Banned
If I was to admit myself to a mental health facility, would they let me bring my colouring books, markers and pencil crayons? Or would those be considered potential weapons (the pencils, at least)?
grap3fruitman
Banned
Each place had their own rules so you should call ahead.
Does anyone have any advice on reclaiming my attention span? I feel like its gotten progressively worse with my anxiety and I'm finding it extremely difficult to concentrate on tasks at hand.
I've wanted to read more lately as it's been a while since really digging into a book, but I'm finding it extremely hard to pay attention or not let my mind wander or feel constricted.
Any help appreciated, it's kind of scary how bad it's gotten..
I've wanted to read more lately as it's been a while since really digging into a book, but I'm finding it extremely hard to pay attention or not let my mind wander or feel constricted.
Any help appreciated, it's kind of scary how bad it's gotten..
User 479360
Banned
Wish I could help, but I'm having the same problem.
RoyaleDuke
Banned
User 479360
Banned
Fack.
Sectorseven
Member
Shock therapy?
edit: maybe not, that is apparently called electroconvulsive therapy.
half a moon
Banned
Yeah I only knew about shock therapy and that people still get it done. This TMS is weird to me.
BlackRainbowFT
Member
In layman's terms TMS is basically a technique using a strong magnetic field to induce "brain activity" (AFAIK, mostly induced in neuronal axons perpendicular to the cranium).
I didn't know it was used as a substitute for shock therapy...
They probably want to strengthen the connection between neurons (look up LTP: long-term potentiation).
Edit: I was thinking about this and I struggle to comprehend how TMS would work in this case. It's used to stimulate a very specific (and shallow) area. The network of neurons that use serotonin is spread all over and it's "center" is located very deeply). SSRI (antidepressants) seem like a better idea to me.
I didn't know it was used as a substitute for shock therapy...
They probably want to strengthen the connection between neurons (look up LTP: long-term potentiation).
Edit: I was thinking about this and I struggle to comprehend how TMS would work in this case. It's used to stimulate a very specific (and shallow) area. The network of neurons that use serotonin is spread all over and it's "center" is located very deeply). SSRI (antidepressants) seem like a better idea to me.
I've had this same issue for as long as I can remember. At least the past 5 years. Reading is my favorite hobby and always has been, but I find it extremely difficult and frustrating due to the fact that my mind constantly wanders and worries and I can't stay focused on what I'm reading.
So yeah, I apologize, I don't have a solution for you. I am struggling right alongside you though and strongly empathize with you.
Evil Monkey DTT
Banned
I think I'm at a really bad point and it sucks because I was crawling out of it. Major self loathing and depression, and even under medicine that still doesn't help. But for a good 2 weeks I was ready to lift myself up. I got a job at dominos, I ended up quitting after the first day. I had panic attacks the entire day of working, granted I didn't need the job I have school coming up in 15 days but I am so fucking scared of people right now.
If you've ever seen welcome to the nhk that is literally my life right now, although with self hatred and looking over analysis on every mistake I do rather then conspiracy. I have never hated myself more, I have never been more lonely, and I have never been worse. I've lost alot of my friends 2, I seem to have 2 left and they are totally on their way out. I'm just, fuck I'm a mess in general.
If you've ever seen welcome to the nhk that is literally my life right now, although with self hatred and looking over analysis on every mistake I do rather then conspiracy. I have never hated myself more, I have never been more lonely, and I have never been worse. I've lost alot of my friends 2, I seem to have 2 left and they are totally on their way out. I'm just, fuck I'm a mess in general.
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