Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

Status
Not open for further replies.
Does anyone with OCD get intrusive thoughts?

Occasionally I think fucked up things about people and than the more I try to fight it the more intrusive it gets. Then once it goes away I carry around this guilt where I think that maybe that's who I am.

I never even knew it was a thing until I stumbled upon it by accident but I still feel like a piece of shit when the pops up.

It's like there's some separate part of your mind trying to troll you all the time.
My intrusive thoughts are usually gross. I see something disgusting lying on the ground.
A dead cockroach, shit, spit, and i imagine myself licking it. Eating it.

I know it's nothing i want to do. It's just my mind trying to gross me out. Some times i have inadequate sexual thoughts as well.

I used to feel guilty. I thought i was going insane. I was afraid of doing those things for real.
Then i had the idea to google about it. And now that i understand it i don't feel so bad.
I still have intrusive thoughts often but i try to ignore them.
 
What am I supposed to do when I'm not interested in living anymore, but too afraid to end it for myself?
If I knew I wouldn't be posting this

Everyone else around me is in a relationship, man I feel ridiculously lonely and depressed right now.
Yeah, and when I was it was the last time I was truly happy. But now I've just been spiraling for a year and I can't find anything else that can pull me out of it.
 
My mother got me on some CBD mmj medication and it has pretty much completely eliminated my pain, the intrusive thoughts, the voices, the hallucinations, the stress.

Just... everything, I felt like doing things again, I wanted to go outside several times over the last week. It is like a total protonic reversal. I can't even explain it other than saying it is like being able to breathe in the black void of space.

I even began to enjoy things again... my desire to return to my writing and trying to get myself published is returning at an alarming rate.

The void of space being my MDD, Schizophrenia, Bipolar, OCD, and the physical pain the horrible pain from my Fibromyalgia and Systemic Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I feel like I might live longer than the 5 years I supposedly have left.
 
My mother got me on some CBD mmj medication and it has pretty much completely eliminated my pain, the intrusive thoughts, the voices, the hallucinations, the stress.

Just... everything, I felt like doing things again, I wanted to go outside several times over the last week. It is like a total protonic reversal. I can't even explain it other than saying it is like being able to breathe in the black void of space.

I even began to enjoy things again... my desire to return to my writing and trying to get myself published is returning at an alarming rate.

The void of space being my MDD, Schizophrenia, Bipolar, OCD, and the physical pain the horrible pain from my Fibromyalgia and Systemic Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I feel like I might live longer than the 5 years I supposedly have left.

I'm jealous. I wish weed worked the same way for my fibro.
 
Had the happiest moment of my life happen. I was finally not alone anymore.

Then in less than 24 hours, I'm back to being single.

God, I hate myself so much right now. I was happy...so happy....

Ayyy, I was just coming to post a similar story. Before I jump into my own story, on an unrelated note Collete, I remember you posting something about potentially being homeless in the near future and not being able to find work? How did that pan out for you? You're still posting on GAF obviously, so I assume things eventually worked themselves out?

Anyway, I recently joined online dating and instantly met a woman that I had a lot in common with. We immediately connected and a few days later we were officially in a relationship. We both seemed really happy with it, but then a week passed where we didn't see each other (she was busy working and I went on a weekend trip), and when I got back she wanted to break up. There was no explanation given other than that she just didn't want a relationship anymore.

I was crushed, and still am to be honest, since that just happened at the start of last week. I have no idea why the relationship fell through, because we were both having a wonderful time, or so I thought. Lots of "I love you"s and constantly laughing at our shared sense of humour.

Now I'm back to where I started out, but I've been sending out a bunch of messages and am hopeful that I'll find someone again to remind me of that fleeting feeling of happiness!
 
I'm jealous. I wish weed worked the same way for my fibro.

Well, really strong weed that is properly grown always helped me but not necessarily to the degree that pure CBD hash oil has.

That said in the last 5 years it has been increasingly hard to find good quality weed, and the strains that actually help me and not just get me really, really high.
I like being really really high, but I also have a huge constitution... so unless it is high quality it is too cost prohibitive.

CBD is actually being used to try to cure cancer and is even being used to help people with serious life threatening seizure disorders.
 
Well, really strong weed that is properly grown always helped me but not necessarily to the degree that pure CBD hash oil has.

That said in the last 5 years it has been increasingly hard to find good quality weed, and the strains that actually help me and not just get me really, really high.
I like being really really high, but I also have a huge constitution... so unless it is high quality it is too cost prohibitive.

CBD is actually being used to try to cure cancer and is even being used to help people with serious life threatening seizure disorders.

I'm just really strongly resistant to the stuff. I either get completely incapacitated if I take too much (and unpleasantly) or it just doesn't do anything at all. And either way, the effect on my pain is limited. This is a problem in that the pain during the flares has gotten so severe that I'm prepared to kill myself rather than endure it any further.
 
I'm just really strongly resistant to the stuff. I either get completely incapacitated if I take too much (and unpleasantly) or it just doesn't do anything at all. And either way, the effect on my pain is limited. This is a problem in that the pain during the flares has gotten so severe that I'm prepared to kill myself rather than endure it any further.

Same here, but this CBD stuff is totally different. It is like a miracle honestly, like fucking magic. I can't even begin to explain it.

I waited an entire week before even posting here about it because of how skeptical I was.

Honestly, I was at my wits end... I'd already had a suicide attempt earlier this year.

Just got another weird, dark dream. So anxious.

You can PM me about if you want, my dreams are like Giger paintings more often than not, and when they aren't they are just bizarre.
 
Same here, but this CBD stuff is totally different. It is like a miracle honestly, like fucking magic. I can't even begin to explain it.

I waited an entire week before even posting here about it because of how skeptical I was.

Honestly, I was at my wits end... I'd already had a suicide attempt earlier this year.

Are you using a tincture? I have a 100 mg THC/100 mg CBD tincture but haven't found it gigantically useful. Maybe pure CBD would be stronger. I think it's pretty safe to say at this point that I really don't have anything left to lose.
 
Are you using a tincture? I have a 100 mg THC/100 mg CBD tincture but haven't found it gigantically useful. Maybe pure CBD would be stronger. I think it's pretty safe to say at this point that I really don't have anything left to lose.

Basically, my vaporizer vaporizes oil that is around 150mg of pure CBD(and no THC or less than .02%), this stuff is highly concentrated to the point that one hit is basically 150 mg per 7 second pull, for me three pulls gets me like a few hours(~3 maybe a bit less) of pure relief, five pulls gets me set for most of the day and then a couple before bed time. A tube of this oil from my current source costs around 35-40 dollars for quite a lot of oil compared to the typical dispensary. One vial/tube typically lasts two-three weeks depending on usage.

So around 450-800mg of CBD works like nothing I've ever experienced and I've actually tried CBD plants and products before, the difference being that the place I go to processes the stuff completely differently, grows the plants properly and is in the business of helping people instead of just making money.

I can also get a months supply of pills that actually work too, same stuff they use for the vape pen cartridges. Each 1-2 month supply is ~$90 but the guy I know that owns the place actually gives out samples and stuff, that is how he convinced me to buy the oil(the capsules work too but my family can't afford to spend a 100 on a 1-2 month supply right now).

The average CBD solution is actually less than 2mg per "toke" which works out to 1-2ml, the only way you get the full 150mg is if you smoke the entire thing. That is the thing they don't tell people, is that potency makes a difference and so many dispensaries(rec and medical) mislabel things or misadvertise because there is no due process for lying to your customer base.

Most people have low tolerances, people like you and me don't.
 
Eh, I wrote up a super duper long post, but I don't know if I should post it, feels like I'm rambling.

Long story short, I had an automatic social life in HS, barely socialized my Freshman University year and very suddenly lost my music passion for an unknown reason, but my Ex with an busy life kept me active. After our breakup in March, I have an even better but more sedentary GF. Despite being a loner at heart, I feel discontented with my social life.

Whereas before I had moments where I loved to meet new people (even if it was a bit of a mental strain) and could keep in touch with the people around me, now I have little interest in most people I meet and have no desires but to go through the motions. It doesn't feel like outright depression cause I get excited for things and feel happiness a lot of times, but it's a very deep discontentment with the status of my life.

I need to get involved in my life, do more, participate more, socialize more, but I don't know how nor do I have the slightest will to. It's almost like an obligation mixed with an inkling that possibly I'll like it better then what I'm doing now.
 
It's like there's some separate part of your mind trying to troll you all the time.
My intrusive thoughts are usually gross. I see something disgusting lying on the ground.
A dead cockroach, shit, spit, and i imagine myself licking it. Eating it.

I know it's nothing i want to do. It's just my mind trying to gross me out. Some times i have inadequate sexual thoughts as well.

I used to feel guilty. I thought i was going insane. I was afraid of doing those things for real.
Then i had the idea to google about it. And now that i understand it i don't feel so bad.
I still have intrusive thoughts often but i try to ignore them.
It's like mental Tourette's.
 
It's like there's some separate part of your mind trying to troll you all the time.
My intrusive thoughts are usually gross. I see something disgusting lying on the ground.
A dead cockroach, shit, spit, and i imagine myself licking it. Eating it.

I know it's nothing i want to do. It's just my mind trying to gross me out. Some times i have inadequate sexual thoughts as well.

I used to feel guilty. I thought i was going insane. I was afraid of doing those things for real.
Then i had the idea to google about it. And now that i understand it i don't feel so bad.
I still have intrusive thoughts often but i try to ignore them.

I get intrusive thoughts. They're usually about how others perceive me.

Am I walking correctly? not too arrogant, but not too clumsy? Is my tone of voice revealing my inner thoughts? blah blah

I'm constantly trying to find reliable ways to tackle this issue. Is anyone else finding that they have to try new things almost daily in the effort to find happiness?
 
I get intrusive thoughts. They're usually about how others perceive me.

Am I walking correctly? not too arrogant, but not too clumsy? Is my tone of voice revealing my inner thoughts? blah blah

I'm constantly trying to find reliable ways to tackle this issue. Is anyone else finding that they have to try new things almost daily in the effort to find happiness?
I do. If I'm not productive or doing something new to grow I'm unhappy.
 
I wish I was like that. Only depressed if I wasn't doing something, happy when I work and my mind is off things, and with energy to do that. I'm the opposite.
 
holy fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck I just had a night full of non stop nightmares

some fucked up creepy shit. woke me up at 5am and didn't fall back asleep. and my depression kept me up until 3am just thinking about shit, too.

i didn't know I couldn't even escape from my depression through sleep

now i'm really screwed. i need the meds doc and i need them now.
 
My mother got me on some CBD mmj medication and it has pretty much completely eliminated my pain, the intrusive thoughts, the voices, the hallucinations, the stress.
Do you know what strain specifically? Personally, I've felt the best with grapefruit OG but I'm lucky to be able to get anything on the black market. The study I found shows that CBC is ten times more effective than CBD as an antidepressant: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2866040/
Good luck identifying strains like that though.

So tomorrow's the anniversary of my youngest brother dying from injuries sustained in a failed suicide attempt. I can't believe it's been a year. I haven't stopped missing him for a single day. He's the one who turned me onto mmj and it changed my life. We were fighting about weed when it happened too. I'll never be able to forgive myself for losing him. I feel guilty for living instead of him.
 
Same here, but this CBD stuff is totally different. It is like a miracle honestly, like fucking magic. I can't even begin to explain it.

I waited an entire week before even posting here about it because of how skeptical I was.

Honestly, I was at my wits end... I'd already had a suicide attempt earlier this year.



You can PM me about if you want, my dreams are like Giger paintings more often than not, and when they aren't they are just bizarre.

I had a really weird, dark dream. I was having a conversation with Jodie Foster at an event and the atmosphere felt like I was inside a 1990's videogame. I think what really bothered me was the atmosphere, because it was just so strange and otherworldly.

Of course, the dream still feeling very vivid in memory doesn't help. It woke me up abruptly feeling like shit.
 
Say GAF, I have a question. Does anyone know some success stories? Like, every person suffering from depression seems to carry it with them their whole life. There are countless stories here. I guess it's "nice" to see others in the same boat, but I often wonder if there is a way out. People seem to use medication to dull the pain, but is therapy ever really successful? Are there people who really get out of this negative spiral and live happy lives afterwards...?

Anyway, might as well contribute my story. Wall of Text incoming:

I personally don't have a "genetic" depression. I just have the same issues as many people..zero success with women at 27 (and not for lack of trying) and a general feeling like I don't belong in this world. I just met with a girl after work (32 and in a happy relationship). She is exactly the kind of woman I would love...yet it's always someone else. I can spend some hours with her, but she will go home to someone..it has always been like this. I don't even know if meeting her is smart. It feels great when she's with me, but afterwards it's always the same realization that I can only be one of many friends. I don't really see a way out..I studied education science, 90% were women, yet I always got rejected, even though I am not shy at all, know how to talk, etc. Is is my looks? because I can't fix that..did I just get bad luck with so many girls? I don't know. Wondering if I should try a real therapy and actually try to get medicated, the pain is unbearable. And yet it doesn't solve any problems..I really don't know what to do with myself. I have suicidal thoughts all the same. I wish I could just have been normal..
 
I had a really weird, dark dream. I was having a conversation with Jodie Foster at an event and the atmosphere felt like I was inside a 1990's videogame. I think what really bothered me was the atmosphere, because it was just so strange and otherworldly.

Of course, the dream still feeling very vivid in memory doesn't help. It woke me up abruptly feeling like shit.

Man, dealing with messed up dreams are never easy, I used to wake up sweating and screaming. Has your Psychiatrist tried Cyproheptadine? I find it is pretty effective in blocking my nightmares.

Do you know what strain specifically? Personally, I've felt the best with grapefruit OG but I'm lucky to be able to get anything on the black market. The study I found shows that CBC is ten times more effective than CBD as an antidepressant: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2866040/
Good luck identifying strains like that though.

So tomorrow's the anniversary of my youngest brother dying from injuries sustained in a failed suicide attempt. I can't believe it's been a year. I haven't stopped missing him for a single day. He's the one who turned me onto mmj and it changed my life. We were fighting about weed when it happened too. I'll never be able to forgive myself for losing him. I feel guilty for living instead of him.

It isn't your fault man, people fight and you never know when it will be the last time you see a person. I lost my Ex to suicide, and friends too. It is rough man, it doesn't get easier, death and grieving are never easy.

CBD works a bit differently depending on the person but so far there are very few plants that can be grown that are purely CBC. As for the strain that they use for the CBD oil I would have to ask the manufacturer(who is local too, nice people I hear).

The best strains for me were almost always OGs or hybrids, Yoda OG in particular but also Cotton Candy Romulan, White Widow, NL #5 for anxiety, AK and Hindu Kush, but the best one for me was Charlie Sheen OG and a rare, rare strain called Ingrid( F1 stonehenge bred with an identical F1 male, 100% Indica) can't even remember the THC percentage but it was one of the highest.
 
Basically, my vaporizer vaporizes oil that is around 150mg of pure CBD(and no THC or less than .02%), this stuff is highly concentrated to the point that one hit is basically 150 mg per 7 second pull, for me three pulls gets me like a few hours(~3 maybe a bit less) of pure relief, five pulls gets me set for most of the day and then a couple before bed time. A tube of this oil from my current source costs around 35-40 dollars for quite a lot of oil compared to the typical dispensary. One vial/tube typically lasts two-three weeks depending on usage.

So around 450-800mg of CBD works like nothing I've ever experienced and I've actually tried CBD plants and products before, the difference being that the place I go to processes the stuff completely differently, grows the plants properly and is in the business of helping people instead of just making money.

I can also get a months supply of pills that actually work too, same stuff they use for the vape pen cartridges. Each 1-2 month supply is ~$90 but the guy I know that owns the place actually gives out samples and stuff, that is how he convinced me to buy the oil(the capsules work too but my family can't afford to spend a 100 on a 1-2 month supply right now).

The average CBD solution is actually less than 2mg per "toke" which works out to 1-2ml, the only way you get the full 150mg is if you smoke the entire thing. That is the thing they don't tell people, is that potency makes a difference and so many dispensaries(rec and medical) mislabel things or misadvertise because there is no due process for lying to your customer base.

Most people have low tolerances, people like you and me don't.

Ah. This all sounds out of my price range. I mean, the 100mg shit I grabbed from the dispensary was $55 just by itself, which I considered outrageous but what else could I do? I don't have a vaporizer so I just stick a few drops under my tongue.
 
I've been in a decent sort of mood for the last few days, somehow despite all the horrible events that have been happening lately. But the current global warming thread really bummed me out.

Anyway, I've noticed that recently, my mood is mostly fine during the day but drops during the evening, while before it was the complete opposite.
 
Ah. This all sounds out of my price range. I mean, the 100mg shit I grabbed from the dispensary was $55 just by itself, which I considered outrageous but what else could I do? I don't have a vaporizer so I just stick a few drops under my tongue.

The vape I use is this.

The cartridges all have the same connection, tons of dispensaries use the "screw" type cartridges.
 
Just had one of the worst days of my life, and two papers still due tomorrow. :(

Suicidal sister is suicidal, and was more serious about it today than she has been in a long time. To top it off she lives on the other side of the country in LA. I basically spent several hours on and off the phone with the LA police trying to help them locate her since she never told me where she is. You can't imagine the relief I felt when my mom texted me that she's with police, and now she's getting a mental evaluation at the police department and will probably be held for 72 hours. For the second time this year. God I still have a fucking pit in my stomach over this shit.

Props to verizon for helping the police triangulate her coordinates or whatever the fuck they did.

Folks, please just keep this in mind if you're feeling suicidal...

1) It's not your fault for feeling that way, but you're in a bad place mentally and not capable of thinking rationally about how much better things can be 1 year, 5 years, 20 years from now. Put yourself in the hands of professional care, your future self will thank you for it. I've been in that dark place where I saw absolutely no future ahead of me, and I'm not there anymore. It can happen to you too.
2) I will find you.
 
Folks, please just keep this in mind if you're feeling suicidal...

1) It's not your fault for feeling that way, but you're in a bad place mentally and not capable of thinking rationally about how much better things can be 1 year, 5 years, 20 years from now. Put yourself in the hands of professional care, your future self will thank you for it. I've been in that dark place where I saw absolutely no future ahead of me, and I'm not there anymore. It can happen to you too.
2) I will find you.

Good luck with that. If they taught a class on suicide (Suicide 101), the very first lesson is that your phone is turned off. Or better yet, not brought with you. In addition, going to a very secluded location would be ideal. If you don't want people to track you down, the best way to ensure this is not to tip them off to begin with.
 
I've heard drinking a mixture of baking powder with bleach, lemon juice and 100 gram of salt really helps with depression.

I'm not really suicidal.
 
I'm an even bigger mess tonight. Fuck. What I wouldn't give to go back in time to my tenth birthday knowing everything I do know in an effort to change things. Knowing that I didn't have to wait so long to come out of the closet, that I shouldn't have taken that last job, etc, etc, would have greatly improved my life. Its all too late now though.

I don't even really know why I'm posting this. I guess it's because the closest thing I have to friends is on Gaf. I'm fucking pathetic.

They did a pretty good job of suicide proofing this city. Since I don;t want to get anyone else involved it's pretty much impossible for me to kill myself. I just thought I'd throw that out there just in case someone thinks I'm actually going to do something.
 
I'm an even bigger mess tonight. Fuck. What I wouldn't give to go back in time to my tenth birthday knowing everything I do know in an effort to change things. Knowing that I didn't have to wait so long to come out of the closet, that I shouldn't have taken that last job, etc, etc, would have greatly improved my life. Its all too late now though.

I don't even really know why I'm posting this. I guess it's because the closest thing I have to friends is on Gaf. I'm fucking pathetic.

They did a pretty good job of suicide proofing this city. Since I don;t want to get anyone else involved it's pretty much impossible for me to kill myself. I just thought I'd throw that out there just in case someone thinks I'm actually going to do something.

I just have to ask.....what is a suicide-proof city.
 
Guys, can we chill it on the "here's a great way to kill yourself without anyone finding out" posts? That's pretty close to encouraging suicide, and by the way, probably illegal.
 
I just have to ask.....what is a suicide-proof city.

Basically the only way would be to get a gun, or jump into traffic. I can;t get a gun and I refuse to fuck someone up like that so there's no real way for me to kill myself. The bridges have suicide guards so by the time someone gets over it people will have noticed. The roofs of the high buildings are locked off. I suppose hanging is an option but I'm so fat that whatever I was hanging from would break.
 
Still devoid of energy. Sleeping sporadically. Days and nights are mixed up. No passion for anything, outside of colouring.

wait these threads... end? Found this forum thing via this thread. Thanks so much for putting this up Bagels and for everyone who has come in and shared.

It's what brought me here, too. I'm grateful for it.
 
Three months on mirtazapine so far... No major breakdowns, and nearly no suicide thoughts, so I can say it is an improvement, even if it is pretty much a chemical crutch.

The next step would be therapy to try and tackle the reason for my depresion, anxiety and urges to kill myself, but I won't have the funds for it until 2017, so I'm stuck seeing what can I do on my own. And at the same time wishing the nightmares would stop, Ever since was booked for a major surgery, they keep happening, plus the freakouts and panic attacks about self mutilation. The therapist from the lgbt centre that sees me from time to time thinks that after recovery I will be in a much better and more relaxed condition to take those issues. Pretty much the same I got from the one at the GID unit in the hospital...

So hoping for the best, while taking the "artificial happiness pills". At least one week ago I managed to be social for a few hours.
 
Ayyy, I was just coming to post a similar story. Before I jump into my own story, on an unrelated note Collete, I remember you posting something about potentially being homeless in the near future and not being able to find work? How did that pan out for you? You're still posting on GAF obviously, so I assume things eventually worked themselves out?


No, I'm still looking for work.

Still haven't gotten any leads :\
 
Working night shift tonight and on my way to work, I passed my ex, who is most likely on her way to her new guys place. My heart sank and my mood is completely crushed. Why does this person still have so much control over me... I'm in full nc but I can't avoid situations like this :(
 
Working night shift tonight and on my way to work, I passed my ex, who is most likely on her way to her new guys place. My heart sank and my mood is completely crushed. Why does this person still have so much control over me... I'm in full nc but I can't avoid situations like this :(

Sorry to hear it, I think a lot of us have been there. When did you guys break up, and how long were you together? It'll pass in time.
 
Sorry to hear it, I think a lot of us have been there. When did you guys break up, and how long were you together? It'll pass in time.


We've been broke up since last July. But we've maintained some type of friendship(with hopes of more) until May. She basically would still come over make out with me and cuddle with me and talk about working on things, all while saying she wasn't ready for a relationship yet. Then one day she told me she met someone and was in love. So yea, I haven't grieved in the past year and dealing with all that now, feeling like she emotionally used me until she met someone else. I feel so low and replaceable


We were together for 2 1/2 years
 
Working night shift tonight and on my way to work, I passed my ex, who is most likely on her way to her new guys place. My heart sank and my mood is completely crushed. Why does this person still have so much control over me... I'm in full nc but I can't avoid situations like this :(

Like opticalmace, I've definitely had that happen and it's absolutely brutal. Unfortunately, I don't have much advice on how to get over that feeling, but have you met anyone else since this ex?
 
Like opticalmace, I've definitely had that happen and it's absolutely brutal. Unfortunately, I don't have much advice on how to get over that feeling, but have you met anyone else since this ex?


Yep, I've been seeing someone for a few weeks now. She's been good to me, but I don't know if we work on an emotional level, or if I'm just not over my ex.
 
Yep, I've been seeing someone for a few weeks now. She's been good to me, but I don't know if we work on an emotional level, or if I'm just not over my ex.

It's good that you're getting out there at least! I was hung up on an ex for a year, I didn't even attempt to date anyone else for that time, but once I started getting out there again and meeting new women, while I didn't quite forget, I definitely stopped thinking about her so much. That really helped to brighten my mood, and even though everyone gets over relationships differently, that's now my go-to advice.

Best of luck with the woman you're currently seeing NIGHT-, sorry that you had this run in right before work. It's never fun to have something like that happen just before you're off to stew in your own thoughts for a bunch of hours.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top Bottom