Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

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A bad run with my academics has just left me drained. It feels like sleepdriving through life and I've just hit the rumble strips. With that previously clear way forward seeming temporarily obscured I'm not even sure why I was travelling that way in the first place. Because it was effortless, I suppose, but it is no longer.

I feel like I'm enduring life more than enjoying it, and seeking enjoyment just feels superficial, transient and problem causing now. I can see the path to a more engaged life but it's littered with broken glass and my socks have holes in them. Top that off with a cold that's making me feel like I have dust in my lungs and I just feel like crap from head to toe.

I'm sure I'll be fine but man does this suck right now. At least right now I have sleep.
 
So I'm feeling like shit tonight, the usual loneliness, but I'm wide awake so I can't just sleep it off. I'm trying to plan out my next move, and my gut is saying to go back and invade the Nintendo DS Games in HD thread, but the solitary and time consuming work involved would probably just get me stewing further into my own thoughts. I'd cook, because that's also a good way to focus on something other than my head, but I'm still full from a big meal I had a few hours ago. Walking is probably equally as bad as my first idea, but it might tire me out enough to sleep, and even though I already did a 2-hour walk today, the exercise always helps. Then again, it's late and I might run into someone and
 
So now I am not only having gall bladder issues I might be having Kidney issues as well.

Fuck a doodle doo.

Not to mention all the other shit going wrong too.

I'm so sick of all this shit.
 
I barely managed to think about things finally going uphill and maybe overcoming my depression - and here we are, everything is shit again.

I was so happy the day before yesterday, I finally collected all the documents for an scholarship and thought I am finally getting closer to my dream to study as an artist instead of language specialty I'm not too keen on.
Yesterday I had to do a speech at contest. I prepared so damn good for it. I rewrote my speech a ton of times. I studied with teacher every week. I constantly asked her if everything was fine. I battled myself so damn hard to at least come out on the stage and not shake nervously as I always do. It was really hard because I have nervous conditions since the very childhood. I thought I did very fine. And yet...

I didn't even get a "special prize". I studied so hard, I thought I did well on the stage and everyone was showering me with praise, and yet... The main prize
trip to Japan
went to some first-year, yet I didn't get ANYTHING.
I felt so crushed yesterday that I cried all day long and my eyes stricken with allergy hurt even more than usual from tears and me wiping them. I thought a lot about the world being unfair a lot lately, But this time hurt me even more. It feels so unfair that people that go to Japan every holidays or even lived there/had the native-Japanese tutor before uni get the prizes, yet I don't get a single chance even though I try so hard. It sucks so hard that people that already have the opportunities get EVEN MORE of them, while all I get are sympathetic looks at the most. What's the point fighting for scholarship, then? They won't give it to someone like me, they'll give it to someone who already had shitton of opportunities to get good. If it's the thing I'm "talented" in, does it mean I am not worth anything at all?

I haven't cried today (yet), but I am in not in the mood for doing anything. I don't really want to go the school tomorrow and get weird looks. The only thing that still keeps me afloat is new episodes of Steven Universe
 
chiimisu said:
I barely managed to think about things finally going uphill and maybe overcoming my depression - and here we are, everything is shit again.

I was so happy the day before yesterday, I finally collected all the documents for an scholarship and thought I am finally getting closer to my dream to study as an artist instead of language specialty I'm not too keen on.
Yesterday I had to do a speech at contest. I prepared so damn good for it. I rewrote my speech a ton of times. I studied with teacher every week. I constantly asked her if everything was fine. I battled myself so damn hard to at least come out on the stage and not shake nervously as I always do. It was really hard because I have nervous conditions since the very childhood. I thought I did very fine. And yet...

I didn't even get a "special prize". I studied so hard, I thought I did well on the stage and everyone was showering me with praise, and yet... The main prize
trip to Japan
went to some first-year, yet I didn't get ANYTHING.
I felt so crushed yesterday that I cried all day long and my eyes stricken with allergy hurt even more than usual from tears and me wiping them. I thought a lot about the world being unfair a lot lately, But this time hurt me even more. It feels so unfair that people that go to Japan every holidays or even lived there/had the native-Japanese tutor before uni get the prizes, yet I don't get a single chance even though I try so hard. It sucks so hard that people that already have the opportunities get EVEN MORE of them, while all I get are sympathetic looks at the most. What's the point fighting for scholarship, then? They won't give it to someone like me, they'll give it to someone who already had shitton of opportunities to get good. If it's the thing I'm "talented" in, does it mean I am not worth anything at all?

I haven't cried today (yet), but I am in not in the mood for doing anything. I don't really want to go the school tomorrow and get weird looks. The only thing that still keeps me afloat is new episodes of Steven Universe
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I feel for you man, I've tried so hard to succeed in my own life and everything just keeps blowing up in my face. I guess that is life but it isn't the one I want to live.

I guess all we can really do is deal with the hands we are dealt, as cruel as that is.
 
chiimisu said:
I barely managed to think about things finally going uphill and maybe overcoming my depression - and here we are, everything is shit again.

I was so happy the day before yesterday, I finally collected all the documents for an scholarship and thought I am finally getting closer to my dream to study as an artist instead of language specialty I'm not too keen on.
Yesterday I had to do a speech at contest. I prepared so damn good for it. I rewrote my speech a ton of times. I studied with teacher every week. I constantly asked her if everything was fine. I battled myself so damn hard to at least come out on the stage and not shake nervously as I always do. It was really hard because I have nervous conditions since the very childhood. I thought I did very fine. And yet...

I didn't even get a "special prize". I studied so hard, I thought I did well on the stage and everyone was showering me with praise, and yet... The main prize
trip to Japan
went to some first-year, yet I didn't get ANYTHING.
I felt so crushed yesterday that I cried all day long and my eyes stricken with allergy hurt even more than usual from tears and me wiping them. I thought a lot about the world being unfair a lot lately, But this time hurt me even more. It feels so unfair that people that go to Japan every holidays or even lived there/had the native-Japanese tutor before uni get the prizes, yet I don't get a single chance even though I try so hard. It sucks so hard that people that already have the opportunities get EVEN MORE of them, while all I get are sympathetic looks at the most. What's the point fighting for scholarship, then? They won't give it to someone like me, they'll give it to someone who already had shitton of opportunities to get good. If it's the thing I'm "talented" in, does it mean I am not worth anything at all?

I haven't cried today (yet), but I am in not in the mood for doing anything. I don't really want to go the school tomorrow and get weird looks. The only thing that still keeps me afloat is new episodes of Steven Universe
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My advice is not to get too emotionally attached to contests so you don't get your heart broken again.
 
Yesterday, I went to that meetup I talked about again. No need to go into details - the short version is, it went exactly like last time. After saying hello and a few words of smalltalk, I spent the entire evening just staring around, literally talking to no one. There were less than half people present this time (~8), but my anxiety still prevented me from interacting with them. But I have to say, even though it is absolutely my fault, I am nonetheless kind of pissed that not a single person approached me over the course of the whole evening. After last time, one of them had promised to sit next to me, should I ever come again, so I'd have someone to talk to. But they didn't.
When we were on our way to another bar, I silently sneaked away when no one was looking.

Well, at least this time, I didn't end up getting drunk at home and crying myself to sleep. In any case.. no more meetups for me.
 
RoyaleDuke said:
I feel for you man, I've tried so hard to succeed in my own life and everything just keeps blowing up in my face. I guess that is life but it isn't the one I want to live.

I guess all we can really do is deal with the hands we are dealt, as cruel as that is.
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Thanks for your compassion.

Yes, I think settling with what we have is the most rational way of living lately. But it seems so unfair and hard to try to settle with less while others have all of the opportunities in the world and I'm depressive broke mess.

I hope we both will have the life we wish for some day. All the best to you.

TheAutomator said:
My advice is not to get too emotionally attached to contests so you don't get your heart broken again.
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You're right. But it's hard to not to feel attached when you're done so much and spent so much time to ensure you'll succeed... *sigh*

I probably wouldn't be so upset if I got the last place, at least. That would mean that I did well, they recognize my efforts and I just need to try a bit harder next time. But when you spend so much time on something and don't get anything in return... And when they place you with the group of people that forgot their speeches in the middle to rub the salt in...

Makes you think whether it is worth trying anymore.
 
neojubei said:
I hate facebook, sometimes i wonder what i must have done in my life to have this crappy ass life. Seems everyone is either getting married or having a kid or going on trips together. However whenever i go away somewhere its always alone. always alone always. I just hate this whole country.
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No one is as happy as Facebook makes them look.
 
I'm tired of the thoughts. The doubts. It's a never ending cycle that gets worse by the day. I'm just tired of dealing with it. I just want to relax. I don't know why I suddenly feel so hopeless. I was doing so good for a full year, too.

For some reason, I've gotten super obsessed with the oils on my face and on my scalp/hair. I'm afraid of touching my own face. My face gets really oily to the point it's shiny and feels uncomfortable, this only intensifies the issue. My hair has a similar issue, yet I wash it daily. I have to wear a hat at work and this makes my hair more greasy.

I don't know why this became an obsession. But I think about it all the time and it's driving me crazy.
 
It's getting to the point where I'm having trouble functioning. I sit and stew over the smallest things, can't make decisions (ie. "Should I return these movies to the library or watch them?" or "Should I keep what I bought?")

I got to the checkout with a new TV today, because mine is really old and is on its last legs. However, when it came time to pay, I got cold feet and panicked and excused myself, apologized then left.
 
neojubei said:
I hate facebook, sometimes i wonder what i must have done in my life to have this crappy ass life. Seems everyone is either getting married or having a kid or going on trips together. However whenever i go away somewhere its always alone. always alone always. I just hate this whole country.
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Having kid/getting married is overrated anyways :)
Hang in there neo
 
Ive been thinking about using my savings of 30k to go on a long vacation around the world, and then ending my life when I come back.

I wanted to try and make it another two years so my parents could see me graduate college, but I just cant do it anymore. It hurts too much and it will only get worse the longer i go on
 
OCDChewie said:
Living is torturous to me. I never thought it would be like this, and am in such a rut.
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Life definitely can be that bad for all of as at certain times. I'm sorry you're feeling like this right now but just hold on and this low will pass. When I'm in a depressed state it gets bad for me. I was on the verge of tears earlier today for no apparent reason, just feelings of angst and dread. A family member saw what I was going through and offered to go to the movies with them, a much better decision. Hopefully you have someone that could help you out too. But heaven knows even when people offer to pick me up I'll still often reject their helping hand.
 
Events of the last week and a recent flare have tipped me over into major depression. I'm usually riding the cusp of it, just staying on this side of dysthymia. Sometimes I tip over. This time is bad, though. Really, really bad. I'm a hair's breadth away from heading to the ER before I drive my car off into the lake.

(To be fair, it's a very lovely lake.)

The pain is bad enough when my mood is its usual bleah self... but when it's like this, everything feels a hundred times worse. Every sore muscle, every unusual symptom just stands out that much more. It turns something barely manageable (if that) into a completely overwhelming monster. I'm either staring at my sheet in bed like a zombie or lashing out indiscriminately at people I care about. It's not really bringing out the best side of me.

The immediate goal is to survive the evening so I can take advantage of mental health services on Monday. But god, it's going to be a very, very, very long evening. Holy hell, this hurts.
 
jb1234 said:
Events of the last week and a recent flare have tipped me over into major depression. I'm usually riding the cusp of it, just staying on this side of dysthymia. Sometimes I tip over. This time is bad, though. Really, really bad. I'm a hair's breadth away from heading to the ER before I drive my car off into the lake.

(To be fair, it's a very lovely lake.)

The pain is bad enough when my mood is its usual bleah self... but when it's like this, everything feels a hundred times worse. Every sore muscle, every unusual symptom just stands out that much more. It turns something barely manageable (if that) into a completely overwhelming monster. I'm either staring at my sheet in bed like a zombie or lashing out indiscriminately at people I care about. It's not really bringing out the best side of me.

The immediate goal is to survive the evening so I can take advantage of mental health services on Monday. But god, it's going to be a very, very, very long evening. Holy hell, this hurts.
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Please give me a call if you think that'll help.
 
jb1234 said:
Events of the last week and a recent flare have tipped me over into major depression. I'm usually riding the cusp of it, just staying on this side of dysthymia. Sometimes I tip over. This time is bad, though. Really, really bad. I'm a hair's breadth away from heading to the ER before I drive my car off into the lake.

(To be fair, it's a very lovely lake.)

The pain is bad enough when my mood is its usual bleah self... but when it's like this, everything feels a hundred times worse. Every sore muscle, every unusual symptom just stands out that much more. It turns something barely manageable (if that) into a completely overwhelming monster. I'm either staring at my sheet in bed like a zombie or lashing out indiscriminately at people I care about. It's not really bringing out the best side of me.

The immediate goal is to survive the evening so I can take advantage of mental health services on Monday. But god, it's going to be a very, very, very long evening. Holy hell, this hurts.
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PM'd you in reply to this.
 
jb1234 said:
Events of the last week and a recent flare have tipped me over into major depression. I'm usually riding the cusp of it, just staying on this side of dysthymia. Sometimes I tip over. This time is bad, though. Really, really bad. I'm a hair's breadth away from heading to the ER before I drive my car off into the lake.

(To be fair, it's a very lovely lake.)

The pain is bad enough when my mood is its usual bleah self... but when it's like this, everything feels a hundred times worse. Every sore muscle, every unusual symptom just stands out that much more. It turns something barely manageable (if that) into a completely overwhelming monster. I'm either staring at my sheet in bed like a zombie or lashing out indiscriminately at people I care about. It's not really bringing out the best side of me.

The immediate goal is to survive the evening so I can take advantage of mental health services on Monday. But god, it's going to be a very, very, very long evening. Holy hell, this hurts.
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I had a rough evening this weekend as well. Not only did I have depression, but I was also suffering from anxiety as well. Couldn't even sleep.

But today I feel much better. Trust me, it gets better.
 
Kind of just... existing lately, if you get what I mean? I had a really bad month or so back in January of depression and I thought I pulled out of it, but now it's just back, only more constant and more weighing. That and the OCD have just been a constant torrent self-crushing thoughts and compulsions, with moments of "clarity" where I tell myself I'm being pathetic and to suck it up.

The worst part is I developed a sort of ROCD component to the OCD, that sort of just morphed into an overall unease around my partner. I -cant- feel anything around them except annoyance and the desire to flee, even though I really like them as a person and they get me, yadda yadda. All of this has just sort of futher pushed me over the edge, because they were my rock, the one person I thought I wouldn't leave, and I'm the one pushing them away. Or like, I feel like I have to because the feelings aren't the same, like it's morally wrong not to (I guess that's common with OCD?).

I'm tired, physically. mentally, and emotionally. I've spent the last few weeks whenever I have free time just staring at the ceiling or sleeping. I sort of want to just run away and start over in another state, fade away and start over.

Sorry, just sort of rambling... yeah.
 
OCDChewie said:
I was pissed off, though. It's my fault I overslept. However, there were ladies here helping a family member when I left. One has been good to us, and I asked her to move her car ASAP please (politely, of course) and explained the situation. She said sure, did so immediately.

As I said, I couldn't find the phone number or his business card. The office called while I was driving the 20+ minutes there, but those women never bothered to answer the phone or give it to my sister who can't access it herself. I almost got billed because they didn't answer the phone and say, "He's on his way." What the fuck is wrong with people? Use some common sense.

I texted the girl and asked if they'd called. She said yes, but they hadn't answered it. That made me furious. I didn't harp on her much, but I did say, "Huh? WTF!?" and then said she could've shown a common consideration/sense when she said, "You didn't say anything about if they called." Seriously?
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These people are there to take care of their patients, they shouldn't be expected to be your personal maid/secretary/wife. If they want to do that, then sure, that's nice, but don't expect them to be perfect handling your personal affairs.
 
I seriously cannot wait to die.

Mr. Blonde said:
These people are there to take care of their patients, they shouldn't be expected to be your personal maid/secretary/wife. If they want to do that, then sure, that's nice, but don't expect them to be perfect handling your personal affairs.
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True

That said, the person in question has done a lot of work for us privately/under the table at night or on weekends when excursions have been planned. So she's not just some random PSW who comes in, or anything -- more like a family friend in a way. If it was someone else, I wouldn't have expected anything.
 
The_Kid said:
Kind of just... existing lately, if you get what I mean? I had a really bad month or so back in January of depression and I thought I pulled out of it, but now it's just back, only more constant and more weighing. That and the OCD have just been a constant torrent self-crushing thoughts and compulsions, with moments of "clarity" where I tell myself I'm being pathetic and to suck it up.

The worst part is I developed a sort of ROCD component to the OCD, that sort of just morphed into an overall unease around my partner. I -cant- feel anything around them except annoyance and the desire to flee, even though I really like them as a person and they get me, yadda yadda. All of this has just sort of futher pushed me over the edge, because they were my rock, the one person I thought I wouldn't leave, and I'm the one pushing them away. Or like, I feel like I have to because the feelings aren't the same, like it's morally wrong not to (I guess that's common with OCD?).

I'm tired, physically. mentally, and emotionally. I've spent the last few weeks whenever I have free time just staring at the ceiling or sleeping. I sort of want to just run away and start over in another state, fade away and start over.

Sorry, just sort of rambling... yeah.
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I understand. My OCD always 'ping-ponged' from one thing to another until I had probably dealt with most different kinds. ROCD is something i'm familiar with. Have you sought any help, be it in the form of medication or therapy?
 
My OCD has gone from (but still is) being primarily focused on cleanliness and my electronics (fear of dust, dirt, cat hair, etc.) to also being full of paranoia and indecision. It also ties into my anxiety, of course.

I keep checking things over and over again out of fear of fraud and other things.
 
Piano said:
Anxiety medication is effective and safe symptom relief. When taken as directed it can offer you tremendous relief from the constant churning of rumination, unsettledness or however else anxiety may manifest for you. The issues with medication mostly come (a) when not taken as directed or (b) when used as the only means of treatment.

On point (a), medications like benzodiazepines are probably what you're thinking of when you worry of dependence, but dependence with these medications comes mostly when one gets into a cycle of dose escalation, especially when working with short-acting anxiety relief solutions (such as Xanax). As a point of fact, I have been taking a longer-acting benzo (Klonopin) for nearly 5 years now at the same dose and it still works as well for me as it did day 1, because I've been careful with it.

There are some other elements of dependence, such as withdrawals; nearly any medication taken consistently for a long period of time will produce a physical dependence leading to some withdrawals upon discontinuation. But again, this is mitigated by the keen supervision of a medical professional, who should always strive for the lowest effective dose and will taper things off rather than ever stopping cold turkey.

On point (b), anxiety medication can be a bit of a dead end if we don't also make efforts to up both our coping skills and our understanding of what creates our anxieties. Think of it this way, perhaps: a fire extinguisher is a fantastically effective tool, but at some point you want to prevent new fires from starting. Does that mean we should not use the fire extinguisher out of principle? No. Both approaches are useful. Understanding and coping usually come through therapy, which is of use to all people in all walks of life, but meditation, journaling, exercise and many other things can be great as well.

Let me know if you have any more questions!
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Thank you so much for all of this.
 
Trying to make the choice whether I should voluntarily commit myself. I don't want to make things worse.

This dude I slept with and who wants more from the relationship also made the mistake of trying to have that conversation today, even though I made it clear it was a very bad time. I'm not myself and he seems to think that depression can be fixed with good conversation and good weed. You can imagine how well that text exchange went (and he wanted a phone call, which would have been more catastrophic). Now he's pissed and I'm even more upset. I should have bluntly told him I was no longer interested (and am not sure I was to begin with) but even in this mental state, I'm still afraid of being a dick.
 
t
Ledhead said:
I understand. My OCD always 'ping-ponged' from one thing to another until I had probably dealt with most different kinds. ROCD is something i'm familiar with. Have you sought any help, be it in the form of medication or therapy?
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I'm going to therapy in a couple weeks. It's hard to get an appointment in. As for medicine, I'm at the point where I've run out of medication to try? (Apparently that's what my psychologist says).

ROCD is like... nothing I've ever dealt with in regards to OCD though. I cant do a compulsion to put it to rest. I could always wash my hands before, or shower, or... something. But this just sits as doubt. I just have anxiety around my partner now, and I think the doubts are actually causing a real lack of feelings to form. It just feels so unfair.
 
The_Kid said:
t

I'm going to therapy in a couple weeks. It's hard to get an appointment in. As for medicine, I'm at the point where I've run out of medication to try? (Apparently that's what my psychologist says).

ROCD is like... nothing I've ever dealt with in regards to OCD though. I cant do a compulsion to put it to rest. I could always wash my hands before, or shower, or... something. But this just sits as doubt. I just have anxiety around my partner now, and I think the doubts are actually causing a real lack of feelings to form. It just feels so unfair.
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My OCD rarely manifests itself with things that can be dealt via compulsion. More often than not, they are vaguer issues that revolve within my mind, which in the past led to constant rumination and distraction to point of not being able to function. ROCD being an example. Therapy will hopefully help you deal with this brand of the illness. Once you acquire knowledge of what exactly these thoughts represent/why they are happening/what can be done to overcome them, things should get easier.

Good luck!
 
jb1234 said:
Anything you want to talk about?
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Piano said:
I'm sorry you're in a low spot, Xun. If at all possible I'd advise staying away from alcohol - it's a bum deal that usually leaves us in an even lower spot.
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Sorry for the late response, but cheers guys! I definitely agree on the drink, so I'll try and lower my consumption.

I asked him if he wanted to grab a drink that night/the night after, to which I received "could do, yeah". Usually this means we are, and since I hadn't heard otherwise I started to make my way at this point. I even told him I was going to be there at 9:30, but I didn't receive an answer. Having moved recently it takes me longer to travel to our usual pub, which was why I had to leave home at that point.

As I was walking to the pub I saw him with his girlfriend and a bunch of others heading off elsewhere. It felt as if someone had just punched me in the chest, since everything I feared (being excluded) had come to play. His girlfriend and her friend wanted me to come along, but I claimed I was meeting one of our mates at the pub (who I did invite but they couldn't make it). Because of this I rather pathetically drank at the pub by myself, mainly because I had made the trip to the pub and didn't want to waste my evening.

When we met a couple of days later he claimed he misinterpreted it and said he didn't invite me out since he didn't feel comfortable inviting me to his girlfriends thing. A valid point, but needless to say he still could've told me he wasn't going to go out at the very least.

If things go south I know he'll be treating me like an agony aunt moaning about his problems (based on previous relationships he's had), but if such a thing happens I will call him out on it. He’s been out with a fair few girls in the time I’ve known him, whereas I haven’t been out with anyone in that time. It also hurts knowing it's practically because of me he’s going out with this girl (she’s friends with a girl I liked but things didn’t work out).

The move probably contributes as well with how I've been feeling with him and other friends since I feel a lot more paranoid/secluded/excluded from everyone, even if it's just my brain making me feel that way.

It's all disheartening to say the least.

OCDChewie said:
My OCD has gone from (but still is) being primarily focused on cleanliness and my electronics (fear of dust, dirt, cat hair, etc.) to also being full of paranoia and indecision. It also ties into my anxiety, of course.

I keep checking things over and over again out of fear of fraud and other things.
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Eerily similar to me actually.

My head is more clouded now than it has ever been before.

At first I was almost content with things had become, but I now I just feel like a zombie.

I really need to ensure I actually get somewhere this year with my career, hobbies and love life... Nothing has changed for years.
 
Xun said:
Sorry for the late response, but cheers guys!

I asked him if he wanted to grab a drink that night/the night after, to which I received "could do, yeah". Usually this means we are, and since I hadn't heard otherwise I started to make my way at this point. I even told him I was going to be there at 9:30, but I didn't receive an answer. Having moved recently it takes me longer to travel to our usual pub, which was why I had to leave home at that point.

As I was walking to the pub I saw him with his girlfriend and a bunch of others heading off elsewhere. It felt as if someone had just punched me in the chest, since everything I feared (being excluded) had come to play. His girlfriend and her friend wanted me to come along, but I claimed I was meeting one of our mates at the pub (who I did invite but they couldn't make it). Because of this I rather pathetically drank at the pub by myself, mainly because I had made the trip to the pub and didn't want to waste my evening.

When we met a couple of days later he claimed he misinterpreted it and said he didn't invite me out since he didn't feel comfortable inviting me to his girlfriends thing. A valid point, but needless to say he still could've told me he wasn't going to go out at the very least. This all hurts knowing he’s only going out with this girl because of me (she’s friends with a girl I liked but things didn’t work out).

If things go south I know he'll be treating me like an agony aunt moaning about his problems (based on previous relationships he's had), but if such a thing happens I will call him out on it. He’s been out with a fair few girls in the time I’ve known him, whereas I haven’t been out with anyone in that time.

The move probably contributes as well since I feel a lot more secluded/excluded from everyone, even if it's just a mental condition making me feel that way.
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Personally, I take commitment in relationships very seriously so I would have been pissed off if I made plans with someone and then they decided to just do something else without even communicating with you.
 
Finally had my first therapy session today. It was basic intake..a bunch of questions with a little bit of talking. It went well enough but the true therapy does not start for another two weeks. The psychitrist who can actually perscribe medicine however is not available until July 11th.Why do these things take so long? Also had my fourth session in physical therapy for my back. Mentally and physcially I'm still hurting but at least the ball is finally rolling. This whole thing is such a long process and I have so long to go but it feels good to at least have started.

Its something I should have started a long time ago but being complacent and scared of treatment has had my life in a stand still but I finally feel like I'm taking control of my situation and even that is a small victory.
 
This holiday weekend I am going to start working on my resume, cover letter and essays to apply for English teaching schools in Japan. Honestly I am deathly afraid of being rejected. I think that's one reason ive been in a job i hate for so long. The interview process is so nerve-racking for me. I've also been watching youtube videos of people (especially Black people) who are successful in landing a job in Japan and I dont think i have as much personality as they do. Next week after I've had my documents looked over by at least 5-8 people i will start applying to schools. Hope it works out I really do want to live in Japan and I really need a major change in my life.

One of the main reasons why i am doing this change is because of a podcast called "The Read". The podcast as usual had a listener question section and answer to one of the questions really really got to me. The podcast stars two awesome people, Kidfury and Crissle who were asked what would they tell their past selves from 5 years ago about their life now, or something to that effect. Both hosts basically said that moving from where they were to new york changed them for the better. They both had one awesome point. Bad shit will always happen in life because its life, whether you want to deal with bad shit in a life you hate or a life you enjoy is up to you. Being safe (complacency) won't protect you from bad stuff in life.

I don't know how but I'm going to throw caution to the wind and try my best to get out of my situation. Most of my life have been working at a job i am miserable with and living in a space i hate to the point that i would think about killing myself. Going to Japan for those 3 weeks made me change my perspective, especially when i found that there are guys who actually want to be with me. Coming back here made me think, why live in a place i hate (with family), work at a place i am miserable at and top it off not being able to date or feel good.
 
Hey guys I'm not sure what to do in this medication situation. I've been on 600mg of Lithium for a couple months now and it started giving me extremely bad stomach problems. I made an appointment with my psych for Saturday morning, but I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. Do I keep taking the 600 even though it's putting me through insane discomfort? Do I cut down to 300?

Unfortunately I can't ask the doctor because he only talks to you if you're in his office. I intend to switch to another psychiatrist but my insurance makes that difficult.
 
neojubei said:
This holiday weekend I am going to start working on my resume, cover letter and essays to apply for English teaching schools in Japan. Honestly I am deathly afraid of being rejected. I think that's one reason ive been in a job i hate for so long. The interview process is so nerve-racking for me. I've also been watching youtube videos of people (especially Black people) who are successful in landing a job in Japan and I dont think i have as much personality as they do. Next week after I've had my documents looked over by at least 5-8 people i will start applying to schools. Hope it works out I really do want to live in Japan and I really need a major change in my life.

One of the main reasons why i am doing this change is because of a podcast called "The Read". The podcast as usual had a listener question section and answer to one of the questions really really got to me. The podcast stars two awesome people, Kidfury and Crissle who were asked what would they tell their past selves from 5 years ago about their life now, or something to that effect. Both hosts basically said that moving from where they were to new york changed them for the better. They both had one awesome point. Bad shit will always happen in life because its life, whether you want to deal with bad shit in a life you hate or a life you enjoy is up to you. Being safe (complacency) won't protect you from bad stuff in life.

I don't know how but I'm going to throw caution to the wind and try my best to get out of my situation. Most of my life have been working at a job i am miserable with and living in a space i hate to the point that i would think about killing myself. Going to Japan for those 3 weeks made me change my perspective, especially when i found that there are guys who actually want to be with me. Coming back here made me think, why live in a place i hate (with family), work at a place i am miserable at and top it off not being able to date or feel good.
Click to expand...

I have followed your posts for some time Neojubei. You seem a lot more positive now. Go for it. Life is what you make of it is it not? You owe it to yourself to put in the effort of taking a big leap towards something you believe will benefit you. I wish you the best of luck!
 
Graffgor said:
Hey guys I'm not sure what to do in this medication situation. I've been on 600mg of Lithium for a couple months now and it started giving me extremely bad stomach problems. I made an appointment with my psych for Saturday morning, but I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. Do I keep taking the 600 even though it's putting me through insane discomfort? Do I cut down to 300?

Unfortunately I can't ask the doctor because he only talks to you if you're in his office. I intend to switch to another psychiatrist but my insurance makes that difficult.
Click to expand...

I dunno - lithium is kind of serious stuff and you do not want to screw around with it. The danger is having blood levels that are too high, so cutting it back would probably be safe, but you really really want to be careful.
 
I don't think it is depression that makes me want to die.

I'm just not fit for this world at all. I guess it is because I look how I am? Being told I am feminine, it's an observation that... Shouldn't mean anything. Because I have low energy and don't smile much?

I got really passionate recently but it blew up in my face again. What went wrong this time?

Nothing. It just happens. It's bad luck, or people just enjoy being like this.

What's the point in being mean to someone... And they make so many laws to stop suicide, abortion, things we do to stop put own suffering and giving other people reason to go on life wishing we weren't around.

Life is just some bullshit cage. I don't belong and I never will.

The idea that some doctor, with some pill, can change hormone imbalances that change the way I see the world? That scares me too. All I've wanted was for this me to fit in. If there's something wrong with me, then it's the same as me being allowed to exist.

I have never fought anyone, said anything for the sake of just hurting anyone's feelings, and I can stand on my own two feet. But I'm just not someone anyone really cares to see live.

The idea that some treatment would fix that...

I don't know if it is depression if I have never felt like I should live. I don't have friends I grew up with, I don't have a hometown, and no one even let's me be English. I'm supposed to know another culture or something otherwise that's "weird".

I really want to get an exit bag but it's not easy to set one up. I thought I could use it without a noble gas but it turned out your body acts on it's own to save itself when you're not even conscious.

I'm a small sphere in a jail of a body, in a jail of a society that doesn't even care for me to be around. So what's the fucking point?

And my punishment for being alive is that suicide has to be painful?
 
Just popping back in here to say that after a pretty tough couple of days, my mood is stabilizing. In the past couple days, I've made a new friend (something I haven't done in years), got out to socialize at a board game night, and asked a lady out.

I'm riding this high while I can before it all inevitably comes crumbling down. Just one of those examples where there's a good day mixed in with all the awful shit.
 
izunadono said:
I don't think it is depression that makes me want to die.

I'm just not fit for this world at all. I guess it is because I look how I am? Being told I am feminine, it's an observation that... Shouldn't mean anything. Because I have low energy and don't smile much?

I got really passionate recently but it blew up in my face again. What went wrong this time?

Nothing. It just happens. It's bad luck, or people just enjoy being like this.

What's the point in being mean to someone... And they make so many laws to stop suicide, abortion, things we do to stop put own suffering and giving other people reason to go on life wishing we weren't around.

Life is just some bullshit cage. I don't belong and I never will.

The idea that some doctor, with some pill, can change hormone imbalances that change the way I see the world? That scares me too. All I've wanted was for this me to fit in. If there's something wrong with me, then it's the same as me being allowed to exist.

I have never fought anyone, said anything for the sake of just hurting anyone's feelings, and I can stand on my own two feet. But I'm just not someone anyone really cares to see live.

The idea that some treatment would fix that...

I don't know if it is depression if I have never felt like I should live. I don't have friends I grew up with, I don't have a hometown, and no one even let's me be English. I'm supposed to know another culture or something otherwise that's "weird".

I really want to get an exit bag but it's not easy to set one up. I thought I could use it without a noble gas but it turned out your body acts on it's own to save itself when you're not even conscious.

I'm a small sphere in a jail of a body, in a jail of a society that doesn't even care for me to be around. So what's the fucking point?

And my punishment for being alive is that suicide has to be painful?
Click to expand...

Society does care about you. You just need to be surrounded by better people. You have to find them.

This is just a phase, things will get better.
 
It's funny, a few hours ago, I felt on top of the world. It was as if I finally had things all figured out and I felt invincible. As of right now, I am an absolute emotional wreck. I'm so sick of being alone. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I've tried channeling all this negative energy into new Ventures. I'm far more social, am doing standup, making videos again, and have even started to branch off into photography. Still, this huge void in me remains. I just can't shake it.
 
I'm already starting to feel better. Anyone else ever get motivated by their depression? It's almost as if I start to feel embarrassed for myself, and see it as a challenge to overcome. I won't let these breakdowns get the best of me.
 
I spent a lot of my early college years deep in the depression hole on top of being distracted by non-school-related things and being unsure about my major, but when people ask me why I'm not graduating this year I end up just telling them that I was lazy because I don't feel like explaining.
 
zeemumu said:
I spent a lot of my early college years deep in the depression hole on top of being distracted by non-school-related things and being unsure about my major, but when people ask me why I'm not graduating this year I end up just telling them that I was lazy because I don't feel like explaining.
Click to expand...

Yeahhhh I feel ya. My Bachelors is going to take me 6 years total because of my depression and OCD. I've probably withdrawn from a class each semester the last 2 years.
Better finishing it then leaving at least.
 
Bagels said:
I dunno - lithium is kind of serious stuff and you do not want to screw around with it. The danger is having blood levels that are too high, so cutting it back would probably be safe, but you really really want to be careful.
Click to expand...

I skipped a day because I felt too awful to take it, but I'm going to do a full dose tonight.

Saturday can't get here fast enough.
 
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