Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

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I did something truly horrible to my girlfriend and I don't know if it's repairable. I will never drink again and it's been a huge wake up call to be compliant treating bipolar. What can I do other than remind her everyday how I feel about her and give her the time she needs?

Do you want to take this to PMs? I'm not sure what kind of meaningful advice we could give without having a clearer picture of the situation, but I don't blame you if you don't want to put it out here in the open.

But yes, given her some time and making it clear how much she means to you and that what happened was caused by bipolar and is not how you actually feel about her sounds like a good start.
 
My anxiety is getting out of control, been thinking about suicide more lately. I went back on buspirone, but it's not helping and/or making it worse. My psychiatrist is on vacation right now, though last time I saw him he was kind of giving up on me. Started suggesting I try supplements.
 
My anxiety is getting out of control, been thinking about suicide more lately. I went back on buspirone, but it's not helping and/or making it worse. My psychiatrist is on vacation right now, though last time I saw him he was kind of giving up on me. Started suggesting I try supplements.

Yeah, mine too, plus the fact that he refused to follow the previous psychiatrist plans to get me on Wellbutrin as an addition to Paxil. Wasted about three months of recovery by switching me to Celexa, increasing to 40mg which is the max dose, even though my chart says that I was on it before with the same results and is only going to consider an additive in a couple of months.

I tried telling him this and he waved me off.

This is why I sometimes want to be a doctor.
 
I have a friend who was born on the same year and day as me. She'll be the exact same age as I will come September 29th.

So far, my only plans are to go out with a friend of mine and blind buy Star Trek: Into Darkness, assuming I get b-day monies.

That's really crazy, cause my two family members were born on the same day/same year as well.
 
Sure, that's cool with me.

Save yourself, edd. I know Filler pretty well now and, man, is he a jerk. Winkity!

Waiting to see my shrink right now. It's a particularly gloomy day out, but man alive, could they have made the Depression Center a gloomier place? The cheeriest thing in here is the touch of blue on the cover of the pamphlet about suicide prevention.

Things are just, I don't know, they're not going well. I try to keep my crap to myself around here if I can, but I've really been trending down lately. I'm really stuck and down and...I'll stop. :P

Sorry. Lord, it *is* gloomy in here! If I had an office, I'd just fill it with kittens. And not posters of kittens, I mean actual cats. Just let them go everywhere. If you're allergic, go to the puppy people or whatever. What I wouldn't do is have the windows all face a parking lot and try to cheer things up with colorful pamphlets about suicide.
 
Save yourself, edd. I know Filler pretty well now and, man, is he a jerk. Winkity!

Waiting to see my shrink right now. It's a particularly gloomy day out, but man alive, could they have made the Depression Center a gloomier place? The cheeriest thing in here is the touch of blue on the cover of the pamphlet about suicide prevention.

Things are just, I don't know, they're not going well. I try to keep my crap to myself around here if I can, but I've really been trending down lately. I'm really stuck and down and...I'll stop. :P

Sorry. Lord, it *is* gloomy in here! If I had an office, I'd just fill it with kittens. And not posters of kittens, I mean actual cats. Just let them go everywhere. If you're allergic, go to the puppy people or whatever. What I wouldn't do is have the windows all face a parking lot and try to cheer things up with colorful pamphlets about suicide.

Yeah, what the heck? They definitely need some kittens up in that place. Maybe some plants. Or hey, a Mariachi band! That's always cheery.

Sorry you are having a down swing, Bagels. But I have faith in you, you'll find your way to the other side, and come out stronger than before.
 
My doctor is out of town for the week, just when I need her because I'm going crazy. The paranoid part of me is starting to think that she's trying to dodge me. I can almost hear the thought processes.

"Well, gee. I've given him the mild and the moderate pain killers, which haven't helped much. That just leaves the narcotics but WHOA, I can't give him those so I'm going to be scarce for a while!"

It's hard to describe what it's like living with a chronic illness, especially one this severe. Most of the time, I can't leave my apartment. It's not worth the effort. I spend a lot of time in bed. I cry a lot (as would be expected). I contemplate taking every pill in my cupboard. All the things that regular people aspire to are outside my grasp. Significant others? Forget about it. A great career? Nope. Vacations? Hanging out with friends? A walk outside in the fucking park? Unlikely. It becomes a cesspool of NOTHINGNESS, each day the same. People tell me to fight but it's unclear what exactly I'm fighting for because there's no hope in sight. I feel like a shitty human being, a shitty friend, a shitty son because I can't give people anything. I'm a slug.

I don't want to die but if this is it, if this is it, I can't live like this. I'd be better off gone, everyone can move on, the world will keep spinning. I can thank everyone for trying but in the end, it was a battle that couldn't be won.
 
My doctor is out of town for the week, just when I need her because I'm going crazy. The paranoid part of me is starting to think that she's trying to dodge me. I can almost hear the thought processes.

"Well, gee. I've given him the mild and the moderate pain killers, which haven't helped much. That just leaves the narcotics but WHOA, I can't give him those so I'm going to be scarce for a while!"

It's hard to describe what it's like living with a chronic illness, especially one this severe. Most of the time, I can't leave my apartment. It's not worth the effort. I spend a lot of time in bed. I cry a lot (as would be expected). I contemplate taking every pill in my cupboard. All the things that regular people aspire to are outside my grasp. Significant others? Forget about it. A great career? Nope. Vacations? Hanging out with friends? A walk outside in the fucking park? Unlikely. It becomes a cesspool of NOTHINGNESS, each day the same. People tell me to fight but it's unclear what exactly I'm fighting for because there's no hope in sight. I feel like a shitty human being, a shitty friend, a shitty son because I can't give people anything. I'm a slug.

I don't want to die but if this is it, if this is it, I can't live like this. I'd be better off gone, everyone can move on, the world will keep spinning. I can thank everyone for trying but in the end, it was a battle that couldn't be won.

I know it seems hopeless. :( But maybe the doctors will find something that works, that helps, or science will come up with something else. Live for the good days, and power through the bad ones. I love you man, and you are stronger than you know.
 
*noms Bagels*

That's why I love you, Wilson. If you can't count on your friends for a good *nom* when you're feeling down, I mean, what more could life be about?

Seeing the doc cheers me up. My shrink is the best. More meds, intensive therapy group...I got this.

I did make myself laugh, randomly, which is an ongoing problem for me. I was scheduling my follow-up, and I suddenly, for no reason, thought about the (incredible) mariachi band impression I do on mumble. I had to then stifle a laugh to not appear even crazier than I already am.

jb - you're decidedly NOT a shitty human being. We've got some options to look at here. Now that I'm back, with internet and everything, we can figure this shit out.
 
That's really crazy, cause my two family members were born on the same day/same year as well.
Good that you're close to them. At least they're not shit like myself. I dunno, I've just debating whether it's even worth coming here in this thread lately and I'm posting far too often on GAF as a whole. I'm alone. I'm bored. But it's not excuse to burden up threads. I know a lot of people here know I'm stupid. I wish I could get out of house now but can't.
 
It doesn't make you a weaker human being. That's like saying I'm weak for having to take hormone supplements because I had thyroid cancer. Take your meds dude.

I guess my problem is that I feel like a weak-minded human being because there's people out there with real problems, people with real health issues, hell even people like yourself who had to deal with cancer, and yet you all move on with your life. I honestly don't have any "real" problems and I have no idea why I'm suffering from anxiety. I mean I've always had general anxiety caused by nothing, but now it's quite severe and I wish I knew what was causing it, which is making me feel even more anxious.
 
I guess my problem is that I feel like a weak-minded human being because there's people out there with real problems, people with real health issues, hell even people like yourself who had to deal with cancer, and yet you all move on with your life. I honestly don't have any "real" problems and I have no idea why I'm suffering from anxiety. I mean I've always had general anxiety caused by nothing, but now it's quite severe and I wish I knew what was causing it, which is making me feel even more anxious.
But I also deal from anxiety. Some of it I know the source of; some of it is just there. And believe me, it's just as "real" as my cancer was. I still find myself crying over the dumbest things. Like right now, where I'm crying because I had a dumb pop quiz in my computer science class and grades make me anxious as all hell.

Your feelings are real, even if you don't know exactly where they're coming from. Neither of us are weak because of them. Nor are we weak because we decide to take medication in order to deal with a mental illness.
 
Start subtly looking for something better. And seriously, don't worry about the pressure to start a family and get married. If you want to, that's awesome, but don't let what other people are doing dictate your own self worth. Do what makes you happy, not what you think you are supposed to be doing.

Thanks for the advice! I try and not compare myself to others but it's really hard when you're constantly bombarded by these things, especially on facebook, instagram, twitter etc. I don't think my self-esteem has ever been this low, I guess it's a combination of depression and getting older, turning 28 on the 19th. I used to be such a happy go lucky guy and just lived for the moment, when did I become such a huge downer? ughh, this shit sucks.

As for looking for another job, I've been calling some friends up. I got several friends working in hospitals as tech support, asking them if they can get me in. Also been reading up on web design and programming online, trying to learn this stuff and maybe start something of my own.
 
I know it seems hopeless. :( But maybe the doctors will find something that works, that helps, or science will come up with something else. Live for the good days, and power through the bad ones. I love you man, and you are stronger than you know.

It's not enough. :( I know there isn't anything else out there and I don't want to live a life which barely qualifies. I'm tired of the regret, of the grief. Of feeling like I'm worthless. Of being unable to be there for the people I love because I can barely move. I want to go out with some dignity.
 
Extra shitty day, to start things off, i have a huge blister on my feet which makes it impossible to wear shoes, thus i had to go to school in sandals... BUT!!!... wearing formal attire!!!... why?, well because our stupid teacher mandates that we wear formal clothes to tests... you could imagine how ridiculous i looked.

Then... my teacher reads my name... she usually reads my last name and that's that... but today she read my whooole name (two names), they knew one name and last name... but not the other name... at this point the classroom bursted in loud echoing laughter... they couldn't believe my name... i felt sooo bad. Why?, well THAT name is one of the main reasons for my insecurity issues... when i was a kid all the other kids would ridicule me for it... but it had been years since the last time it happened.

It feels so bad to see that ghost re-appear in my life.
 
Turns out the math course that my academic adviser enrolled me in doesn't even count towards my degree. Dropping that and Chem 1000 and 1001 until summer or the next school year, when I'll be (hopefully) somewhat prepared for them. This both relieves stress, and adds even more, as I will avoid some frustration in dropping chem, even though I could finish my chem requirements now (though I'd end up with craptastic marks). Bah. :(
 
I never asked to have depression...I never asked to be a natural pessimist.... I never asked for people to take a dislike in me or reconsider because I have this condition...
I never asked for any of this...
I never asked to be born...
 
I never asked to have depression...I never asked to be a natural pessimist.... I never asked for people to take a dislike in me or reconsider because I have this condition...
I never asked for any of this...
I never asked to be born...

I know it's you've diseased brain talking, but when I said, I really love you Oomi, and to be me met with "Sure," and the " well my do you do backstabbing me ? First of all, be damn cleead what backstabbing means. You're scepific complaint was that my support made you feel worse. That not a backstabbing. Complimenting you, even if it leaves you feeling a bit down, has so intention but to boost you up.
We can be important friends, just don't try to turn my concern into hitting You. I won't do that. Backstabbing would be taking what I know and telling others to make me feel better.

I'm hurt when I say, I'll always have you back and you say, "whatever." The rejection is profound. We can make up and move forward, but you have to recognize your strategy to push everyone away. I hear from you, whether or not you you think anything I do is worthwhile. We can talk about it. But I won't be emotionally used, even inadvertently.

Let's make up and be friends again. Sorry I was so harsh. But how many time can I say I love you, which I do not take lightly and have it thrown in my face. It's still hard to wear my heart on my sleeve, especially as a heterosexual man, where it's always ,"what does this creep want,". Spent part of my vacation wondering how I fucked up, and I did not need that when family members needs 110% from me.

If you're will to move on, me too. But let's acknowledge what this friendship means. The bagels Gold Plan if offered to people who have gone above and beyond for me. The loyalty is intense and I'm capricious in awarding the full shebang involvement to others.

Not sure if I'm blocked on twitter or steam, but hour of messages is apparently gone, just...don't block me out, this friendship deserved dialogue

Your friend and Ally,

Pete
 
I have a quiz today, and I can't believe I forgot my calculator. I have the worst luck in the world. First, I failed because the problem was different. Now, I'm going to fail because I forgot my calculator. He doesn't except fractions.
 
I never asked to have depression...I never asked to be a natural pessimist.... I never asked for people to take a dislike in me or reconsider because I have this condition...
I never asked for any of this...
I never asked to be born...

It feels kind of weird to respond to a post from someone that seems to be here all the time. I remember you from the start of the thread where you were doing much better, and as the thread went on, things seem to have gotten worse and worse for you. I feel sorry for you, as I know how you feel (or maybe I don't). But I also want to shake you up and try to help you wake up from what seems to be a long bad dream. I've read that you tried to get help, how your family mistreats you, how the world scares you. Please don't alienate people around you that dó love you, like Bagels. I understand you want to talk pessimistically sometimes, and you should, you should be able to complain. But you should also learn how to accept a compliment, even if you don't believe them. Just say thank you. It will help in the end, although you might not see that now. It will help you, but it will also help Bagels. I'm sorry for saying you 'have to' do things, in the end it's your choice. But I feel sad seeing you sad every time, and I wanted to let you know that things can get better. Or something. Sorry for my rambling. Do you like puppies/kittens? If looking at them makes you a little fuzzy, do it! And do it more! On youtube. And if there is little things like that, or anything you like looking at, there is hope. Even if it's just a sliver..
 
But I also deal from anxiety. Some of it I know the source of; some of it is just there. And believe me, it's just as "real" as my cancer was. I still find myself crying over the dumbest things. Like right now, where I'm crying because I had a dumb pop quiz in my computer science class and grades make me anxious as all hell.

Your feelings are real, even if you don't know exactly where they're coming from. Neither of us are weak because of them. Nor are we weak because we decide to take medication in order to deal with a mental illness.
You're a computer science major? :D
 
Apologies for a mini depression freakout last night. I'm sill learning what i can and can' take without going nuts. Please bear withe me.

Talk to guys later. Med issies will be rough for fee days.
 
I never asked to have depression...I never asked to be a natural pessimist.... I never asked for people to take a dislike in me or reconsider because I have this condition...
I never asked for any of this...
I never asked to be born...

I know this is difficult because it doesn't come naturally to you, or anyone who is depressed but maybe try thinking outside of yourself. If you get too caught up in your own mind you can get caught down deep and good and it can be hard to find a way out.

If you try to focus on anything else outside of yourself without thinking how it relates to you and makes you feel (something you feel neutral about) it can you give a mental breather away from perception warping depression and self-berating. By something neutral I mean almost anything- from a productive activity such as rearranging/cleaning your personal space to something as "unproductive" as having some you-time outside somewhere that you feel calm, peaceful and disconnected from everything.

When you find something that doesn't have as severe negative associations as other things might, it can give you a chance to re-train your brain. Like many people with depression and other issues, you've probably gotten very good at telling yourself what you can't do, what you don't want, what you'll never have and why things will never get better. Even the grammar is in negative form.

I think a lot of people feel like that so strongly because they cement it in their minds by practicing it- repeating it.

When you give yourself that you-time, write down a few things you are good at, good qualities or that you are capable of (positive stuff). Fold this up and read it again next time you sit down for some positive you-time.

Even if you're not ready to say or type positive things about yourself aloud, this or something similar could be a small step in letting in that non-negative attitude towards yourself into your inner world.

When you get caught up in your own head without a chance to get out, negative thought recycling takes place and it's easy to get stuck in there. Being kind to yourself and those who want you to see the good in you can be one of the hardest things to do with mental health but also one of the most worth it, I believe. I hope you believe this can happen, even if it just means going through positive motions for a while without the positive feelings to go with it. :3
 
I guess my problem is that I feel like a weak-minded human being because there's people out there with real problems, people with real health issues, hell even people like yourself who had to deal with cancer, and yet you all move on with your life. I honestly don't have any "real" problems and I have no idea why I'm suffering from anxiety. I mean I've always had general anxiety caused by nothing, but now it's quite severe and I wish I knew what was causing it, which is making me feel even more anxious.

Are there any logical reasons why you believe problems with your brain aren't real problems?
 

You know I haven't blocked you. I don't know why you think that. Look at your friend list some time.
I prefer if you didn't bring those issues in the thread and at least discuss with me in private. So yeah.

It feels kind of weird to respond to a post from someone that seems to be here all the time. I remember you from the start of the thread where you were doing much better, and as the thread went on, things seem to have gotten worse and worse for you. I feel sorry for you, as I know how you feel (or maybe I don't). But I also want to shake you up and try to help you wake up from what seems to be a long bad dream. I've read that you tried to get help, how your family mistreats you, how the world scares you. Please don't alienate people around you that dó love you, like Bagels. I understand you want to talk pessimistically sometimes, and you should, you should be able to complain. But you should also learn how to accept a compliment, even if you don't believe them. Just say thank you. It will help in the end, although you might not see that now. It will help you, but it will also help Bagels. I'm sorry for saying you 'have to' do things, in the end it's your choice. But I feel sad seeing you sad every time, and I wanted to let you know that things can get better. Or something. Sorry for my rambling. Do you like puppies/kittens? If looking at them makes you a little fuzzy, do it! And do it more! On youtube. And if there is little things like that, or anything you like looking at, there is hope. Even if it's just a sliver..

I don't intentionally try to alienate myself from people. It just happens i don't have many people around me in the first place.
I've been getting better at taking compliments actually. As far as letting them sink in, that's another matter.
Things can't get better, but I have to believe some day they will and some of my dreams and hopes will come true.


I do neutral things and focus on things other than myself.
I've been writing, reading, painting, talking with the few i have etc.
I'll try to write good things when i do them though.
 
You know I haven't blocked you. I don't know why you think that. Look at your friend list some time.
I prefer if you didn't bring those issues in the thread and at least discuss with me in private. So yeah.

I think bringing them out in the open helps keep things from getting out of control. At least, in my personal experiences it helps myself to give pause and take a second, 'outside-the-box' look at what's going on. You can prefer things all you want, but if you're causing distress or being toxic to someone in private (intentional or not) they are free to vent, speak, seek advice, support, etc. here too, just like everyone else. You don't get to tell anyone else what to be hush-hush about because you want to save face. It's unreasonable and unfair.

A good rule of thumb is to generally not speak in a way in private that you would be bothered about being viewed in public. Just good form (Animal Crossing taught me that!).
 
Found out my mom has cancer. She says there's a chance she just needs an operation as it may not have spread, but still...just the idea of losing my mom is almost too much to bear.

Nevermind that following the surgery, she'll be out of work for about two months. I'm still looking for a job and I feel awful that I may not be able to help out around here any time soon. Just praying I find something before the month is out.
 
Found out my mom has cancer. She says there's a chance she just needs an operation as it may not have spread, but still...just the idea of losing my mom is almost too much to bear.

Nevermind that following the surgery, she'll be out of work for about two months. I'm still looking for a job and I feel awful that I may not be able to help out around here any time soon. Just praying I find something before the month is out.

Shit, do you know what stage? Hopefully it hasn't metastasized. Either way I hope she gets through it as painless as possible. Tell her to kick the cancers Ass!
 
Went to see a career counselor at school, didn't go how I wanted it to. She wouldn't give me a chance to talk, she was friendly and talkative to a fault. Anecdote after anecdote. Ugh. Guess I'll try the probably bullshit test she suggested. I was hoping the counselor would point me to one of the more valid tests, but I guess that's beyond her.

On another note, I fucking hate group activities in class. Had one in my history class, didn't end up actually working with anyone. One group said I could join in, but when I went over there they didn't even try to include me. Always feels like no one wants to work with me.
Statistics actually. But I'm thinking about getting a minor in computer science. :) I'm currently taking an introduction course.
I might be able to help you out, though it's been a few years since I have done any programming. >_>
 
Shit, do you know what stage? Hopefully it hasn't metastasized. Either way I hope she gets through it as painless as possible. Tell her to kick the cancers Ass!

Last she told me, the doctors say as long as it hasn't spread, they can do an op and that'll be the end of it. She went in for a test today and we're waiting to hear back.
 
You know, I've been alone and lonely for so long, you would think I would be used to the feeling by now. But, no. As I've aged, the feeling has intensified. It's became less of a feeling and more of a real physical presence. Physiologically, I can tell when I am sad or lonely because I actually -feel- it in my chest and stomach and in my breathing.
 
Have I mentioned people in couples are the worst?

So I’m at the grocery store buying groceries. I’m checking out and the cashier, who I’ve never met before in my life, just suddenly starts talking to me about how great her boyfriend is. It went on so long that I actually just told her “You’re making me want to kill myself. Could you stop talking?”

People in couples are the absolute worst. They are the only type of people I've meet who have this pathological compulsion to flaunt how much better their life is than mine. I honestly have no idea why she even started talking about it..
 
Have I mentioned people in couples are the worst?

So I’m at the grocery store buying groceries. I’m checking out and the cashier, who I’ve never met before in my life, just suddenly starts talking to me about how great her boyfriend is. It went on so long that I actually just told her “You’re making me want to kill myself. Could you stop talking?”

People in couples are the absolute worst. They are the only type of people I've meet who have this pathological compulsion to flaunt how much better their life is than mine. I honestly have no idea why she even started talking about it..

Better than being told about how amazing their new mattress is :P
 
I think bringing them out in the open helps keep things from getting out of control. At least, in my personal experiences it helps myself to give pause and take a second, 'outside-the-box' look at what's going on. You can prefer things all you want, but if you're causing distress or being toxic to someone in private (intentional or not) they are free to vent, speak, seek advice, support, etc. here too, just like everyone else. You don't get to tell anyone else what to be hush-hush about because you want to save face. It's unreasonable and unfair.

A good rule of thumb is to generally not speak in a way in private that you would be bothered about being viewed in public. Just good form (Animal Crossing taught me that!).

I'm not telling him he should be silent about it, but he should have at least talk to me about it first.
I'm not trying to save face or anything.
I just wish he talked to me about it first.
That's all.
 
Went to see a career counselor at school, didn't go how I wanted it to. She wouldn't give me a chance to talk, she was friendly and talkative to a fault. Anecdote after anecdote. Ugh. Guess I'll try the probably bullshit test she suggested. I was hoping the counselor would point me to one of the more valid tests, but I guess that's beyond her.

On another note, I fucking hate group activities in class. Had one in my history class, didn't end up actually working with anyone. One group said I could join in, but when I went over there they didn't even try to include me. Always feels like no one wants to work with me.

I might be able to help you out, though it's been a few years since I have done any programming. >_>

I hate group activities so much, and way too many classes handle them in a terrible way.
 
I'm not telling him he should be silent about it, but he should have at least talk to me about it first.
I'm not trying to save face or anything.
I just wish he talked to me about it first.
That's all.

I think the point is that has been tried with many things numerous times. Sometimes people need to get stuff out in the open.
 
Found out my mom has cancer. She says there's a chance she just needs an operation as it may not have spread, but still...just the idea of losing my mom is almost too much to bear.

Nevermind that following the surgery, she'll be out of work for about two months. I'm still looking for a job and I feel awful that I may not be able to help out around here any time soon. Just praying I find something before the month is out.

That's awful. I'm so sorry. I had a bad year like that a couple of years ago. They feel endless and insurmountable, but they aren't.
 
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