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[Puck Beaverton]

I've found social anxiety is a symptom of difficulty with understanding nonverbal communication.

Oh absolutely. I can't read body language or the general tone of the room.

 

[Cth]

On top of all that, my downstairs neighbor who I've helped in the past is being a psycho ass.. ANY sounds result in him banging his ceiling 10 times VERY LOUDLY.

I can understand one or two as a gentle reminder, but I have two kids and a pet. You live in an apartment, expect there to be SOME sound.

Regardless, he's now threatening to call the police or animal control and all it does is make me furious as well as frustrated.

 

[grap3fruitman]

I'm freaking about having to move at the end of the month. I'm selling my house but I have no where to go and I don't know what to do. I'm contemplating killing myself after the closing. I need to pack up a house, sell off a ton of stuff, find a place to live and how to move there. But I'm struggling with even basic functions like getting up or showering. Ending it all seems like the best course of action. I'm also contemplating just burning the house down (potentially with myself inside) so I don't have to deal with anything. Ugh. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.

 

[pigeon interrupted]

Such a mess right now. I lost a friend to Leukemia last week after a 9 month battle. The only real friend I'd made in the last 10 years. He was such a good person and one of the few positive forces in my life, and I miss him. My 6am shift is making me act erratically (and post erratically, sorry GAF if I offend) through fatigue and I am making the same mistakes I promised I wouldn't make again after I tried to kill myself. Why is it that--even though I am aware of my frailties and shortcomings--when I'm tired and emotional I become that same person again? And then I hate myself. I honestly wonder if I have some kind of bi-polar disorder.

I've been crying most of the night and this is the first time I've thought about suicide this year. I can't let my family see me like this because it will hurt them, I put them through so much last year and I can't do that to them anymore. Last year I tried to hang myself twice (the rope snapped, the knot gave way), cut my wrists twice then later tried to re-open the wounds, electricuted myself six times (found out I was a jumper and not a grabber), and even tried drinking isopropyl alcohol. I was so desperate. And all I got was more pain for myself and for my family (which is the worst part). Again, suicide is not an easy way out and there are often unforseen consequences. I urge anyone seriously entertaining it to reach out and seek help. I may think about it but it's a road I've been down many times and I know better, and I hope I can stay strong. I've been clean for almost a year. It's so hard doing this on my own sometimes. Sorry, I just needed to vent.

So my parents are tired of my illnesses and are threatening to throw me out.

Fantastic.

Wow, I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Duke. Is this coming from both your parents and are they completely decided? Maybe time to put out feelers with social services (I'm not overly familiar with US welfare/social services.) I've been threatened with this a few years ago over my addictions and had to look up social services and refuges. I know that it is different but it probably is a similarly awful feeling. I hope your folks have a change of heart like mine did. Although they may be limited, you have options.

Sorry, have to vent for a bit.

If you ever meet anyone that says Denmark is a ''nice place'' for immigrants or people with different skin color. Or says there aren't racists here, don't believe their lies.

I had the pleasure of meeting 3 different xenophobic assholes today. All of which had the privilege of being born white, unlike me.

Years ago, when I was young, I would dismiss this as me being ''unlucky''

I'm not going to go into detail of what I experienced or how it happened...

But I'm glad I'm not in a hospital now. Thank god. Still not okay with what happened.

Posted this the other day in another thread: First time I experienced racism I was 8 y/o. The experience left me angry and bewildered, and I felt like a stranger in my own country. For a while I had no country.

I'm older and slightly wiser now and can put myself above reacting like that but it sucks still. We can't let the racists win by mirroring their behaviour giving into misdirected anger. As hard as it is, don't let them spoil your day. If they knew how it felt, I bet they wouldn't do what they do. Alas...

Stressing bad right now, so here goes..

My wife and I started separating back in December. It was amicable and we've both moved on since. She agreed to help pay the remainder of the lease until it's up at the end of February. The plan was for my gf and I to save up funds to move by then but she ended up having a mini-stroke in December and she was just told her job at Target was seasonal, so now she's out of a job.

The past month I've been trying to find a house to rent but everything has been snatched up before we could put our deposit in to hold it. I'm meeting with an old high school friend who's a realtor about a place that's not on the market yet, so fingers crossed on that one. It's frustrating because of the costs involved -- $35 each to apply, $700 security deposit, $700 first month's rent, $300 pet deposit, $300 for blinds and refrigerator.

Trouble is, after years of layoffs, I'm only making $575 every two weeks. So I guess I'll have to look into government assistance.

And to make matters worse, my daughter is stressing out over my gf's kid who's younger and wants to play with her all the time. She's handled everything great over the years (grandparents death, layoff, etc) but the divorce is hitting her hard.

I'm just overwhelmed and feel like I'm drowning and having to constantly try to keep my head above water.. it's stressful. I'm worried the stress could trigger another stroke for my gf, which sucks cause doctors have no idea what caused the first one.

*sigh*

Be strong for your family and try to take solace in them, Cth. Maybe you can get that government assistance. I know it may not feel like it when things get on top of you but you are a lucky guy to be surrounded by people who love you and need you Try your best to put the bad stuff out of your mind and unwind for a few hours a day if possible. And keep your eye on those job listings. I can only imagine how hard it must be to have people depending on you but you have to remain hopeful.

Pretty sure I just blew it with a girl who randomly showed interest in me. Like why am always awkward talking with people? It's like I try my hardest not to be weird and I end up looking weird. I'm a walking GAF stereotype. Legit having a panic attack,a lthough there is nor crying (yet). All of this happened about 10 minutes aqgo btw

Kill me fam

I feel you. A guy hit on me last year and I screwed it up by getting all flustered and stumbling like an ass. I was out walking and was surprised to be hit on by a guy twice my age working in the woods. He was really forward and I think maybe his chainsaw scared me, haha. FML :'(

 

[cryptic]

HI.
My name is Matt.
I live in Boston, I have bipolar, Ocd (mostly obsessional), anxiety, and social affective disorder so sociopathy.
I was initially given a maybe of having aspergers at five following a diagnosis of adhd.
My friends are always poor, share a similar cynical world view, as is typical of people with sociopathy.
In affluent white society I have trouble relating and this difficulty led to the insistence of my mother that I had aspergers, following my transfer to a more affluent school.
This diagnosis really ruined my life, as I am very trusting so I believe what people tell me, and I thought my inability to feel like people care was an inability to understand others.
I was shaping everything through the view of someone with aspergers.
Never once have I not wanted to meet people or stimmed lol, I've always been very shy and oversensitive.
My mother.never confessed to her mood swings, spending issues, inability to feel enjoyment, love,periodic dysfunctionality, paranoid delusions, suicidal ideations, she was not smart enough to see her perspective derives from an illness, and for whatever reason, her therapists never noticed this.
I think she was also couched not to reveal certain things by a close aunt who suffered from stigma following hospitalization following rape.
My mother was only given a diagnosis of depression.
I mirror my mother entirely.
So why do I have autism and she doesn't?
Anyway, I was never given an official diagnosis, and recently a psychiatrist I visited said there's probably no way I have aspergers, due to my care, concern, and understanding of others, from tones, to facial expressions, to everything.
Saved my life.

That initial diagnosis of aspergers ruined my life.
Oh and guess what, when I was most functional in school, I was on an antidepressant and seroquel, a typical mood stabilizer.
I've tried every antidepressant and always found periods of depression returning, a desire to cut, mania is rare, only when I'm social, like recently when I met a girl lol.

I work as a cook in Boston and I'm actually good, but I feel so helplessly alone. I know people at work but like I said I have trouble liking people.

My thoughts are so disorganized, sorry. I've experienced cognitive decline and I'm trying to accept by making an effort to try instead of just always being embarrassed by this lingering awareness, this regret, that what I'm saying is wrong, or at least not well representing, or.unclear.Wait the fifth or sixth edit as my mind is often broke.

I just really want to vent. The illusion of an audience helps. I'd love to hear if someone had similar experience with my illness or with being misdiagnosed at a young age and how that forces you to alter your worldview to be more in line with an illness, especially at an impressionable young age.

Keep trying, it never gets better, you just get older, but sometimes there are lapses in pain, like when you hold a hand or see a beautiful sunset, getting caught in the rain.
Somehow someone could always find you and make everything wonderful, and maybe it's a hopeless dream, but it's as good a lie as any God to follow.

 

[Astral Dog]

You guys and gals are the BEST 😢

 

[Puck Beaverton]

I was mis(?)diagnosed with Aspergers also. I don't know if it really fucked me over, but whose to say. My mind is a fucking mess, I have a hard time not drifting off into space and my memory is shot.

You guys and gals are the BEST ��

 

[pigeon interrupted]

snip...
I mirror my mother entirely.

Hi, Matt. The more we struggle to not be like them, the more we become them, lol.

I work as a cook in Boston and I'm actually good, but I feel so helplessly alone. I know people at work but like I said I have trouble liking people.

My thoughts are so disorganized, sorry. I've experienced cognitive decline and I'm trying to accept by making an effort to try instead of just always being embarrassed by this lingering awareness, this regret, that what I'm saying is wrong, or at least not well representing, or.unclear.Wait the fifth or sixth edit as my mind is often broke.

My minds the same: often broken. It's a roller-coaster for sure. I'd rather be on the tea cups.

I just really want to vent. The illusion of an audience helps. I'd love to hear if someone had similar experience with my illness or with being misdiagnosed at a young age and how that forces you to alter your worldview to be more in line with an illness, especially at an impressionable young age.

Keep trying, it never gets better, you just get older, but sometimes there are lapses in pain, like when you hold a hand or see a beautiful sunset, getting caught in the rain.
Somehow someone could always find you and make everything wonderful, and maybe it's a hopeless dream, but it's as good a lie as any God to follow.

We are here; no illusion. I may have aspergers but I chickened out of seeing a specialist after initial diagnosis. I've decided to keep myself in suspense for the moment for stupid reasons. Sigh. Good to hear you're mostly coping with your problems. Thanks for the encouraging words, I'll take whatever I can get

You guys and gals are the BEST 😢

Thanks, babe

 

[Puck Beaverton]

I feel you. A guy hit on me last year and I screwed it up by getting all flustered and stumbling like an ass. I was out walking and was surprised to be hit on by a guy twice my age working in the woods. He was really forward and I think maybe his chainsaw scared me, haha. FML :'(

I think that is also what screwed me up, because it came out of nowhere and I was already feeling out of it, so I think I did okay considering the circumstances.

 

[Cepheus]

I had a bit of a scare last night. I began feeling so bad about myself that I had to go and take a long walk at 1AM to try and make me calm down since I didn't trust myself to not hurt myself if I stayed in my apartment any longer. I went to see a counsellor today, and now I've got a doctor's appointment surrounding it as well. I feel dizzy most of the time and the headache hasn't gone away, nor has the pain in my gums and tongue. I still have no idea what's causing the latter two things, though I'm fairly certain the former two are down to a lack of eating. On the plus side, I'm moving out of my apartment very shortly (the people living there said I could move in tomorrow if I wanted), so there's that.

 

[cryptic]

Hi, Matt. The more we struggle to not be like them, the more we become them, lol.



My minds the same: often broken. It's a roller-coaster for sure. I'd rather be on the tea cups.



We are here; no illusion. I may have aspergers but I chickened out of seeing a specialist after initial diagnosis. I've decided to keep myself in suspense for the moment for stupid reasons. Sigh. Good to hear you're mostly coping with your problems. Thanks for the encouraging words, I'll take whatever I can get

]

Thank you. Seems like I'm part of a good community.

 

[Son Of D]

University is stressing me out, work is just a chore which I can't leave because I doubt I can find another job whilst I only have 4 months left living where I am, some friendships that I thought were close are one-sided so I'm putting in effort for minimal responses, I'm completely uncertain about my future and I'm stressing just thinking about it.

I'm currently visiting a friend and I've fucked this up by having a little breakdown yesterday. I feel like I've disappointed him with that. I've got nothing to look forward to. And I've been having suicidal thoughts. I'm scared right now.

 

[TangerineCloud]

The anxiety and depression I've been feeling since my break-up has completely fucked my sleep schedule. Haven't gotten a full night's sleep in a while. I keep falling asleep for three or so hours, waking up in the middle of the night, and staying awake for a few more hours until I have to go to class/work. Maybe I get back to sleep for an hour or two before I have to wake up. It's so draining.

Finally told my mother what I was going through last night, and she introduced me to her sleeping pills. Got my first full night of sleep in a while, which was *incredibly* refreshing. Though I'm hoping I don't become too dependent on these to fall asleep.

 

[Cth]

So, a quick update, in the hope that it gives others hope..

After meeting with the realtor friend, he told us that he would not list the property until we decided that we didn't want it.

We took a look last night and we're going to take it. He said we could move near the end of the month which would cost less for us. The fridge was already sold, and they're going to leave the blinds, so that saves me $300. I know someone who has a 2 year old fridge they'll sell us for $200 and may take payments on, so that's a good thing.

Also, my gf got a phone interview and a 2nd interview for a job, which will help tremendously.

 

[thepotatoman]

My therapist completely surprised me by suggesting I might have a dissociative identity disorder. It's something i've internally considered maybe 2 or 3 times ever, but never ever expected anyone to suggest that to me. Reading and thinking about it more is making it make a scary amount of sense, but I don't want to go too far down that road without being certain I'm not just being that guy that thinks he has cancer because he finds a way to attach every symptom on webmd to himself working off a not entirely certain theory.

So I'm going to a clinical psychologist for an official diagnosis, and don't know what the hell to think. DID or not, at those things I tend to act more together than I am, and forget to tell them very important things. I've gotten a little better at it, but first time I ever went to a psychologist I was sent home because it didn't seem like i had any problems when I really had so many dire problems.

I'm also a little distrustful of them for always calling everything on anxiety or depression. I've given both of those plenty of chances myself, finding a new theory of why i must be somehow subconsciously anxious or depressed for every time I find myself unable to control myself. All the therapy and medicine working on that theory isn't helping one bit. It just feels like way more than that, happening at times where you have to go pretty far to explain it as anxiety or depression.

So I guess my question is how much should you trust yourself over a psycologist, and how much should I trust a psychologist that has more training but only one hour to see me, versus a therapist that has less training but knows me way better seeing me over 50 times by now?

Overall I don't care at all what the diagnosis is. I honestly don't want it to be DID just because of how weird it seems to be. It'll be really hard to tell anyone in real life I have that problem. Maybe there's another explanation, but I do want it more than another anxiety diagnosis because that diagnosis just hasn't been helpful, and I'm having a really hard time applying CBT when I can't even explain what the fuck it is that I'm supposed to be accepting.

Is that a unhelpful way to think? I really do just want to get a more control over my life to hold down a simple job and have some steady relationships.

 

[LFMartins86]

I just sat down in the floor of my kitchen with a knife pressed against my arm for 15 minutes. It's been the first time in a few years that I really wanted to hurt myself.
I have been diagnosed with a serious clinical depression a few years and although I still struggle almost every day, I managed to keep things OK but I feel like I am losing control.
In 5 days I am going to leave home to return to the island where I am studying and that makes me scared.
There was a mistake in my registration in a class last year and while I still have hope that I can take the class I wasn't registered last year due to a error in the University registration that was only discovered in the end of the semester and they refuse to acknowledge, it seems likely that I have to stay behind to do that class and I can only to the internship required to finish my degree next year.
That means only taking one class for the next 5 months and then waiting until next February to start the internship.
I am 30 years old, have been screwed out of my dream job once (I was working as sound engineer in the regional radio and TV network and when my contract finished they said they would contact me on the following week but that never happened) and I got screwed out of a shitty job another time (the company had to inform that they wouldn't renew my contract at least a month before but they only informed 3 days before the end of my contract, it was my third short time contract with them and, by law in Portugal, the next contract would have to be with for a undetermined time, which would make me harder to fire).
I started a technical degree in Web Applications Development, learned to do programming in HTML,CSS, JavaScript and Java, to manage networks and databases and to do programming for Android devices without any previous experience in just 16 months, managed to end up as the second best student in my class but a fucking error of the University looks like to put a brake in all my hard work.
The first year I was able to finance myself but for the past 5 months I had to relay on my father for money.
It kills me to ask me to help me for 5 more months than he was supposed to and I haven't been able to tell me about my situation.
I feel absolutely lost and I never expected to be on this situation when I am close to being 31 years old.
Almost all of my friends have their lives figured out and I feel like a loser to be in this situation...

 

[half a moon]

I'm getting a dog/puppy soon. Can't wait to sleep with him/her. Not sure about breed or name.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

I'm getting a dog/puppy soon. Can't wait to sleep with him/her. Not sure about breed or name.

Smart move. Dogs are awesome.

And update, pretty sure I did blow it because she didn't talk to me today. That, or I really did put too much into a little thing. No biggie

 

[Magwik]

Today is my ex's birthday.
Saturday would have been our one year anniversary and my longest relationship.
Then of course Valentine's day Tuesday.

Who needs one day reminding you of your biggest loss and mistake when you can have 3?! I'm such a fuck up its amazing!

I'm trying really hard not to break down. I'm really really trying.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

christ that's rough...

 

[Magwik]

christ that's rough...

....
Yup.

 

[How About No]

wats a valentimes day

A useless day specifically designed to make people somehow feel even worse about themselves.

i fucking knew it

conspiracy unearthed

 

[JDHarbs]

wats a valentimes day

A useless day specifically designed to make people somehow feel even worse about themselves.

 

[Cepheus]

Today is my ex's birthday.
Saturday would have been our one year anniversary and my longest relationship.
Then of course Valentine's day Tuesday.

Who needs one day reminding you of your biggest loss and mistake when you can have 3?! I'm such a fuck up its amazing!

I'm trying really hard not to break down. I'm really really trying.

I feel you. For me, today is the one year anniversary of me screwing everything up with my best friend and losing everything I'd worked on in my free time, pretty much, which means that I've been in a state of not knowing what the hell to do with my life and having worse anxiety and depression for exactly a year.

On the plus side, I moved out of the apartment with my horrible flatmates in yesterday and I feel better for it already. Though, it made me realise just how much being in there affected me.

 

[spons]

Man, Leo Kannerhuis in Holland is the worst. These self-proclaimed experts on autism can only state facts from books and have zero experience in helping me help myself. But that's the case for almost all organisations I've worked with.

Claims that autism gets better when you get older because you get a grip on the situation are ludicrous. It only gets worse.

 

[redlegs87]

I hope everyone in here can find an equilibrium in their life.

Having to cancel my plans for traveling and meeting my friends next month really put me into a nosedive into probably the lowest I've been in almost 2 years. I'll pull out of it I know I will but at the same time it just makes me question my optimism for my future when one thing after another seems to go awry. Not to say the world is out for me I don't believe in that but I just need a break something to go my way. I am going to do my best to give myself these breaks I don't expect them to be just handed to me.

If anyone needs/wants to talk about anything just message me.

 

[FunkyPajamas]

Hi All. I've been following the thread for a while but never posted before. I want to thank OP and all posters for sharing their stories. It's taken me a while to decide to get help/post, but I'm not sure I can just keep on going without the proper medical support.

So I've "dealt" with anxiety for quite a few years. I use quotes because rather than deal with it I've kind of powered through by doing yoga/working out, and trying to have a healthy lifestyle in general. I think it's finally caught up to me and I've started having constant (once a week) panic attacks, and pretty much everything is making me anxious. I'm feeling uncomfortable just thinking about posting this, and every time I think about the reality that I am not ok I just end up on the floor crying.

So I decided I can't beat this thing on my own and I need medical help, which I guess it's the proper way to deal with these things. Anyway, I go to the psychiatrist, tell her about my problem (anxiety), she asks if I've been medicated before, etc, and then she prescribes Etifoxine (Stresam) + Paroxetine (Paxil/Seroxat). She talks briefly about side effects (libido, suicidal thoughts, drowsiness). I figure I can deal with that as being anxiety free should help me not feel so bad which means I probably won't think about suicide, etc.

But then I start reading on this thing and I'm feeling anxious just going through the list of potential side effects. Potential liver/kidney failure? Decreased consciousness? No antidote if overdosed, etc? (here comes the rant) Why the hell do these companies even make these types of medication? Like, really, people? This is your anxiety cure? I'm having palpitations thinking I'm going to lose my job and then have liver failure and kill myself with the pills that are supposed to fix me. Should I go back to my doctor and try to get something else? Is there any anxiety medication that does not have these types of side effects? Finally, Stresam/Etifoxine is not approved by the FDA which also makes me nervous (I don't live in the States which I guess it's why my doctor recommended it); am I putting too much stock in the FDA not approving this thing?

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Trying not to think about my ex is hard because she is dead.

 

[redlegs87]

Trying not to think about my ex is hard because she is dead.

I am sorry to hear that they passed away.

Perhaps try and think of the positive times you had with them instead of wasting mental energy on not thinking about them. Though I get it even happy thoughts can bring pain but it's a good pain at least in my eyes.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

I am sorry to hear that they passed away.

Perhaps try and think of the positive times you had with them instead of wasting mental energy on not thinking about them. Though I get it even happy thoughts can bring pain but it's a good pain at least in my eyes.

Well, it's been 7 years but I didn't find out until 3 years ago on valentines day. thanks for the condolences.

 

[redlegs87]

Well, it's been 7 years but I didn't find out until 3 years ago on valentines day. thanks for the condolences.

I hope you'll find a more stable environment to be in as I know you've been going through some stuff as of late. If you ever need to talk I am here as is the rest of those in this thread.

 

[Booker Dewitt]

So I think it's been a minute since I posted. I got served eviction papers on Monday, had three days before my my stuff was going to be possessed. Probably the lowest I've been was that Monday, wound up talking to a suicide hotline attendant for over an hour, got encouraged when I made her laugh by asking her how many English Majors must call, and that number must pale in comparison to philosophy majors. Managed to find a friend that was good hearted enough to not only help me store my stuff for a couple days, but helped me out by providing a floor, blankets for two nights and food. My violent time with Colorado has come to a end. I always knew I was gonna head back east at some point,just not as pathetically.

Managed to rent a car with the help of my grandparents, got all of my Shit in it and managed to drive around twelve hours the first day covering 600+ miles, leaving about fifteen hours, 800 miles left before I get back home to my parents in Florida, and my two dogs who I haven't seen since August 2015.

I'm gonna be living with them for a bit, and I already told them I want to set up a consistent therapist, so I can actually create a actual medication schedule and not have to fight Prozac withdrawals cuz I can't afford a visit to get a re-up.


Edit: also realized I'm way less of a scaredy cat than I was. I may get my ass beat, but I've definitely been standing my ground way more recently with transgressions.

 

[redlegs87]

So I think it's been a minute since I posted. I got served eviction papers on Monday, had three days before my my stuff was going to be possessed. Probably the lowest I've been was that Monday, wound up talking to a suicide hotline attendant for over an hour, got encouraged when I made her laugh by asking her how many English Majors must call, and that number must pale in comparison to philosophy majors. Managed to find a friend that was good hearted enough to not only help me store my stuff for a couple days, but helped me out by providing a floor, blankets for two nights and food. My violent time with Colorado has come to a end. I always knew I was gonna head back east at some point,just not as pathetically.

Managed to rent a car with the help of my grandparents, got all of my Shit in it and managed to drive around twelve hours the first day covering 600+ miles, leaving about fifteen hours, 800 miles left before I get back home to my parents in Florida, and my two dogs who I haven't seen since August 2015.

I'm gonna be living with them for a bit, and I already told them I want to set up a consistent therapist, so I can actually create a actual medication schedule and not have to fight Prozac withdrawals cuz I can't afford a visit to get a re-up.

Good to hear from you after awhile. Having a consistent therapist/and or psychiatrist is always a good thing. Bet your dogs went crazy when you came back.

 

[Sectorseven]

Hi All. I've been following the thread for a while but never posted before. I want to thank OP and all posters for sharing their stories. It's taken me a while to decide to get help/post, but I'm not sure I can just keep on going without the proper medical support.

So I've "dealt" with anxiety for quite a few years. I use quotes because rather than deal with it I've kind of powered through by doing yoga/working out, and trying to have a healthy lifestyle in general. I think it's finally caught up to me and I've started having constant (once a week) panic attacks, and pretty much everything is making me anxious. I'm feeling uncomfortable just thinking about posting this, and every time I think about the reality that I am not ok I just end up on the floor crying.

So I decided I can't beat this thing on my own and I need medical help, which I guess it's the proper way to deal with these things. Anyway, I go to the psychiatrist, tell her about my problem (anxiety), she asks if I've been medicated before, etc, and then she prescribes Etifoxine (Stresam) + Paroxetine (Paxil/Seroxat). She talks briefly about side effects (libido, suicidal thoughts, drowsiness). I figure I can deal with that as being anxiety free should help me not feel so bad which means I probably won't think about suicide, etc.

But then I start reading on this thing and I'm feeling anxious just going through the list of potential side effects. Potential liver/kidney failure? Decreased consciousness? No antidote if overdosed, etc? (here comes the rant) Why the hell do these companies even make these types of medication? Like, really, people? This is your anxiety cure? I'm having palpitations thinking I'm going to lose my job and then have liver failure and kill myself with the pills that are supposed to fix me. Should I go back to my doctor and try to get something else? Is there any anxiety medication that does not have these types of side effects? Finally, Stresam/Etifoxine is not approved by the FDA which also makes me nervous (I don't live in the States which I guess it's why my doctor recommended it); am I putting too much stock in the FDA not approving this thing?

There's a lot of reasons our system has ended up the way it has. If we want to be generous, these drugs were originally intended for people with the most severe symptoms, and in those cases they do appear to be somewhat effective and worthwhile even considering the side effects.

Things have spiraled out of control with overperscription, false promises and questionable conclusions with regards to their efficacy on mild and moderate symptoms vs. placebos. This is an oversimplification, but many of the modern SSRIs are essentially spin offs of Prozac, slightly tweaked either chemically or in targeted symptoms in order to keep patents active. It's also important to realize they're technically a treatment and not a cure, so don't get the wrong impression or you may be in for disappointment. For more info on the history of mental healthcare in America you should check out Mad in America by Robert Whitaker.

 

[driggonny]

Yeah, men are pretty awesome-I just want to nibble on... certain parts of their anatomy. Women too, of course. But men doe... so thirsty. Too early in the morning to be thinking these thoughts #double nosebleed. Anyway, welcome to the club

Spoiler

there is no actual club, as far as I know

. If feeling this way is wrong, I don't ever want to be right

Spoiler

it's not wrong

.

I don't know about nibbling per se, but sure Thanks!

Also, I meow like a cat sometimes (been unemployed for a year and was looking for a way to entertain myself, lol) It has become second nature and I accidentally meowed in front of my boss. Pray for me.

lol I've known several women who do this. I'm surprised I don't considering how much I meow at my cat!


In other news, I'm a bit of a coward. My university decided to move all the student services (including the glbt resource center) from center campus to the farthest corner of west campus so that they could build a damn hotel near the football field. This puts it as far away from me as possible so I have to take a bus. Had a lot of time on Thursday and walked up to the bus only to turn around and walk right back to my building. In the end it was a nice walk (lol) but I didn't really accomplish what I set out to do. I find this move especially frustrating because I'm not convinced that I would have gone to the campus mental health services if I couldn't casually walk to it like I did years ago.

Also my cat has been missing since Tuesday. This is the longest he's gone without coming by for food; usually he visits twice a day. I called both local animal shelters and they said he hasn't come in. I'm really kicking myself right now because he has no collar or microchip. I started taking care of him for my sister less than a year ago and she never gave him those things so I didn't think much about it. There really isn't anything stopping someone else from just deciding that he's theirs now and there's no way someone would know to contact me if he dies.

I love that damn cat and I cried like a baby the first time I brought him over and he disappeared for a few days. I don't know what I'll do if he never comes back ;_;

 

[Puck Beaverton]

Probably the lowest I've been was that Monday, wound up talking to a suicide hotline attendant for over an hour, got encouraged when I made her laugh by asking her how many English Majors must call, and that number must pale in comparison to philosophy majors.

I will steal this when I inevitably call.

 

[Booker Dewitt]

I will steal this when I inevitably call.

All good Bruh, those people have a stressful job. If you can make them laugh, they may be able to help more people.

Good to hear from you after awhile. Having a consistent therapist/and or psychiatrist is always a good thing. Bet your dogs went crazy when you came back.

I'm not back yet, spending a night in Missouri.
But They go crazy when they hear my distinct monotone over speaker phone, I just hope the front door has tile flooring around it.

Hi All. I've been following the thread for a while but never posted before. I want to thank OP and all posters for sharing their stories. It's taken me a while to decide to get help/post, but I'm not sure I can just keep on going without the proper medical support.

So I've "dealt" with anxiety for quite a few years. I use quotes because rather than deal with it I've kind of powered through by doing yoga/working out, and trying to have a healthy lifestyle in general. I think it's finally caught up to me and I've started having constant (once a week) panic attacks, and pretty much everything is making me anxious. I'm feeling uncomfortable just thinking about posting this, and every time I think about the reality that I am not ok I just end up on the floor crying.

So I decided I can't beat this thing on my own and I need medical help, which I guess it's the proper way to deal with these things. Anyway, I go to the psychiatrist, tell her about my problem (anxiety), she asks if I've been medicated before, etc, and then she prescribes Etifoxine (Stresam) + Paroxetine (Paxil/Seroxat). She talks briefly about side effects (libido, suicidal thoughts, drowsiness). I figure I can deal with that as being anxiety free should help me not feel so bad which means I probably won't think about suicide, etc.

But then I start reading on this thing and I'm feeling anxious just going through the list of potential side effects. Potential liver/kidney failure? Decreased consciousness? No antidote if overdosed, etc? (here comes the rant) Why the hell do these companies even make these types of medication? Like, really, people? This is your anxiety cure? I'm having palpitations thinking I'm going to lose my job and then have liver failure and kill myself with the pills that are supposed to fix me. Should I go back to my doctor and try to get something else? Is there any anxiety medication that does not have these types of side effects? Finally, Stresam/Etifoxine is not approved by the FDA which also makes me nervous (I don't live in the States which I guess it's why my doctor recommended it); am I putting too much stock in the FDA not approving this thing?

I've been using vistaril for a bit and it's helped me. It's more than likely not as potent as what she suggested, but the recorded side effects are pretty innocuous. So maybe ask her about that.

Really the only negative thing I can say about it, is that if my job doesn't give me a clear goal when it starts to kick in, I tended to get really apathetic about the job. Which I think would only really be a problem when you're working retail on slow days.

 

[redlegs87]

I'm not back yet, spending a night in Missouri.
But They go crazy when they hear my distinct monotone over speaker phone, I just hope the front door has tile flooring around it.

Ah misread it. I also have a monotone voice so I understand where your coming from.

 

[Booker Dewitt]

Ah misread it. I also have a monotone voice so I understand where your coming from.

Ehh, at this point its just part of my delivery. I don't hate it, as I can switch to have more fluctuations and throw people off when I want too.

It also doesn't hurt that my standard speech is very much influenced by stand up comedians, and with Mitch Hedberg being a hero of mine, I've learned to use my particular inflections for comedic effect. I've pretty much nailed saying "yeeeaaahhh," that almost always gets laughs.

 

[cyborg009]

Dealing with my mom psychosis is borderline unbearable since so she won't go to the doctor. And if we call in someone to take her in she starts to really hates.

 

[Metalingus5150]

Going to get medical stuff going on monday. Hope all goes well.

 

[Shinypogs]

Left house for extended period for the first time in months. Dressed nice and everything. Got to experience burned food twice and a roach. Fuck everything! Home is safe and the rest of the world is just distress waiting to happen.

How am I supposed to learn to trust things outside my personal safety zone when I can't even go for a meal with friends without a fucking roach calmly crawling onto our table? Then the manager who gets called to deal with us has the fucking gall to ask if we want to move to another table. No I did not want to move I wanted to go home.

Got home had a friend dump my purse out and make sure I wasn't bringing home a buggy surprise then half cried and cuddles them for an hour before passing out from stress. Did remember to take my meds during all this mess but ffs this is not helping my recovery.

 

[JDHarbs]

Had a nice conversation with a girl on an online dating app today. It has been a long tough road, but I think I'm finally getting over my last relationship. I'm sure my depression will make me feel shitty again soon, but today I saw the first ray of light at the end of my tunnel.

Keep fighting all

Edit:

...and of course I would wake up the next morning feeling like shit. :/

 

[Lemaitre]

But then I start reading on this thing and I'm feeling anxious just going through the list of potential side effects.?

I would just say try the medications out and see how they both effect you. No real way to know how you will respond until you actually take them.

I'm on Paxil right now and I've felt waaaaay better since starting it eight days ago. Yes there may be some side effects I experience but my anxiety was getting unbearable and the results have been quite immediate for me. It's getting better each and every day too.

On that note I wanted to say that my Lamictal prescription has also been doing me wonders. I have not had an angry outburst, nor had my rage boil, since starting it. It really has added equilibrium to my moods and it's only been eight days! I suppose I'm lucky I've responded this quickly to my medications but I'll take it.

On a side note I have still had downs but I would have had them regardless. It's just nice to not explode on people/family and be more level headed in general. The first few days were very rough though, I was quite out of it.

Have another therapy appointment this Wednesday and then I check in with my psychiatrist on the third of next month. So far so good though.

 

[Mr. F]

Any tips for maintaining self care? I find myself having a good few days/weeks but then sliding back into self-neglect constantly.

 

[AppleSeason]

It's been a week since I fully quite mirtazapine, and one week on bupropion.

While the calming effects of mirtazapine have gone away, bupropion still has not kicked in. I'm going through its initial side effects, but no effect over my head yet, which can still take a few weeks (mirtazapine was immediate and worked well, but sides were unbearable).


The problem is that my anxiety and stress are starting to hit me again, specially when I try to sleep. Although Gender dysphoria has gone away almost completely, I'm still inside a house on fire, just that it's not raining gasoline over it. I am scared about if depression and anxiety while be a lifetime condition and therapy won't cure it / make it manageable. I had bad days from time to time, but five years ago it never was like this, all the time.

I still haven't gotten the courage to call the new therapist and set an appointment. The lack of exercise is worsening my insomnia, and I have too much time to think. Tomorrow I'm going to the office to talk with HHRR. In 3 days I should be fit to work again, which maybe will keep my head busy.


Positive side effects of bupropion? I'm losing weight. For the first time in 7 months I'm in control of what I eat, the cravings are gone, And I haven't fallen into binge eating when being under heavy anxiety / stress. Still, looking at my photos from one year ago is painful. Despite how much I used to hate my body, I now find it so pretty in those old pictures, specially compared to how fat I gotten. Mirtazapine fixed my depression, but totally fucked my body. Long road ahead of me until I can shed 10-15 kg.

Any tips for maintaining self care? I find myself having a good few days/weeks but then sliding back into self-neglect constantly.

My flatmate uses to stick her proposals and reminds on A 4 paper and put it on the wall where she can see it, as a constant reminder to not abandon herself. I don't have any personal tip. I may be sticking to putting a daily effort into dilation / recovery three times a day in a gruesome effort while other transwomen just give and slow the rythm, but otherwise I barely clean and clothes / wires / boxes start piling up

 

[Hey_Blinkin]

At 35 I had my first therapy session this week. Halfway through the hour session the therapist said that she doesn't see me getting any better without medication. She basically diagnosed me with depression, adhd, and extreme anxiety. I have no insurance and the therapy alone is a quarter of my monthly income. I'm not sure how much the generic meds will be, but it looks like I'm going to have to choose between therapy or medication. She also told me that she doesn't think I have Aspergers, which I had all but convinced myself of.

Now I just have to find a new primary physician that will prescribe the meds for me. I'm really not sure what to expect. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much as I don't know what the medication will do for me.

I've started to look into insurance for individuals but it's all so expensive that I don't see it benefiting me paying for it. It wouldn't cancel out the cost of medication and therapy.

 

[Sectorseven]

At 35 I had my first therapy session this week. Halfway through the hour session the therapist said that she doesn't see me getting any better without medication. She basically diagnosed me with depression, adhd, and extreme anxiety. I have no insurance and the therapy alone is a quarter of my monthly income. I'm not sure how much the generic meds will be, but it looks like I'm going to have to choose between therapy or medication. She also told me that she doesn't think I have Aspergers, which I had all but convinced myself of.

Now I just have to find a new primary physician that will prescribe the meds for me. I'm really not sure what to expect. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much as I don't know what the medication will do for me.

I've started to look into insurance for individuals but it's all so expensive that I don't see it benefiting me paying for it. It wouldn't cancel out the cost of medication and therapy.

She diagnosed all that in a half hour?

It's rather presumptuous to recommend medication that quickly. Does she think there's something organically wrong with your brain?

In either case, I'd probably get a second opinion.

 

[Cepheus]

I'm no better than when I last posted. I'm making an emergency trip to the student support centre tomorrow. However, I've now also been stuck in a situation for the past week that I don't know if I can get out of, and I've fallen out with friends over it. When I first posted here, I think I mentioned that I used to talk to a girl online who I wrote stories with. There were a few other people involved, but I mainly talked to two people, this girl and a boy, the most. Myself and this girl got really, really close, and we talked literally 24/7. This girl rejected me in February 2016 and we had to abandon the big worldbuilding project we were doing as a group. That pretty much crippled me mentally and I went into a seven-month period where I was pretty much catatonic, meaning I dropped out of first year of university as a result. We stopped talking to each other. However, I got over it soon after coming back to redo first year last September. I nearly lost contact with the boy- we rarely talked and we drifted apart. He went on to work on some other worldbuilding project with a group of unrelated people.

Fast forward to a week ago, where the boy messaged me on Skype out of the blue wanting to continue doing stories together. I accepted, but I learned that I can't take the fact that he's still free to talk to this girl, way more than he talks to me (she's a lesbian so it's not a love thing, however she didn't know she was a lesbian when she rejected me), while she doesn't talk to me at all. It turns out the two of them have been talking the entire time. She only has two contacts on Skype, me and him, so it's not like she's busy, she just refuses to respond to most of my messages, so I have to send a follow up one, and then she'll reply to that a few days later, I send her another message, and the cycle continues. So it's incredibly awkward and frustrating on my end, and I flipped out a few days ago and told him that if he did any form of relationship-based story-writing with her it would make me really upset since it's just kind of cementing the fact that she's willing to do that with him, but doesn't talk to me. I told him that she rejected me. He says that he'll talk to her to 'reopen talks' between myself and this girl but says that he's 'making no promises' which basically means he's too chicken-shit to talk to her about that, since that would mean that she would know I told him she rejected me, and thus that might damage their friendship. When he messaged me about problems he'd been having with other people, he had the audacity to just forward what he wrote to her about it instead of writing a message out to me directly, and I was understandably pissed at that because it means he's closer to her than he is to me. I think me getting so heated about all this freaks him out so he'd rather just pretend that everything is fine because that means he won't get into trouble with her.
I actually think that the forwarding message thing was a tongue-in-cheek jab at me because I told him that if he ever talks to the girl about 'reopening talks' between the two of us, I wanted him to forward everything they said to me so that I would have complete clarity, and that freaked him out a bit. It's just so awkward...

TL;DR: We're three really good friends, having known each other for four years, but one of them rejected me last year and doesn't want to talk to me/probably wants to forget about me, I'm really upset about the fact that the two of them can still talk freely, and can't message the girl about it for fear of making things worse, and the second person is caught between this mess. She doesn't know I told him about the rejection, and he's oblivious to how jealous/frustrated I feel about the whole situation, and he's pretending that everything's fine to avoid damaging his own relationship with her.

I've been talking about this with other friends in a different friend group (they don't know the two people I mentioned earlier at all aside from me talking about the situation) and one of them got really, really angry with me today because he wants me to cut them both off and be done with it, but I can't bring myself to do it because we've known each other for so long, and it wasn't even the second friend's fault to begin with since he was just dragged into the rejection situation.

Obviously, this is really taking a toll on my mental health on top of all the anxiety and not eating and everything, because I have no idea what to do.

 

[jb1234]

I've been talking about this with other friends in a different friend group (they don't know the two people I mentioned earlier at all aside from me talking about the situation) and one of them got really, really angry with me today because he wants me to cut them both off and be done with it, but I can't bring myself to do it because we've known each other for so long, and it wasn't even the second friend's fault to begin with since he was just dragged into the rejection situation.

Obviously, this is really taking a toll on my mental health on top of all the anxiety and not eating and everything, because I have no idea what to do.

I agree with your friend. Your relationship with this girl ended the instant she rejected you and now, it's stuck in some weird clingy, toxic limbo. Let her go. I know how much it hurts. I've been in your shoes. The real question you need to ask yourself is whether you're capable of continuing your friendship with the dude. You might still be able to salvage that, only as long as she's not a part of it (which means he needs to know he can longer mention her again, for the sake of your mental health).

Just move on. It'll hurt for a while but it gets better.