I feel incredibly terrible today
I started taking antidepressants (citalopram) back in April while in school and it seemed like it made school much, MUCH more bearable, but now that I'm in summer break I've just felt myself feeling progressively worse and back to the same sorts of feelings I had while I was in school before I started taking them. I don't know if they're working or not anymore :/
I just feel incredibly bored, lonely, and self-conscious. I spend a lot of days sleeping because I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do and it helps me not feel terrible. My greatest cause of all this I'm pretty sure is that I often find myself longing for a relationship. I've never had a partner or significant other, and yet I have irl friends around me already getting married and/or have been in multiple relationships. I want someone to care for, and I want to feel cared for. But I'm terrified of talking to people in real life, and I don't know how to start conversations. I just hide myself away in my room on my computer, and when I was at school, I wouldn't talk to anyone in class. I know I need to fix this, but I don't know how. No one just wants a random person to walk up to them and say "hi", right?
But even beyond that I'm kinda screwed over for the summer anyways because I live in the outskirts of a teeny tiny town with a population of 2000 in the rural South. There is nothing within walking distance. There is nothing in this town to do or anywhere to go to meet people at all. So even though I want to fix my problems, there's nothing I can do besides stay in my bedroom all day and I hate it. I don't own a car. I don't have a driver's license (just a permit). My family's poor so I can't ask them to take me to the next town over whenever I feel like it. I feel incredibly trapped.
And that's just the biggest thing. College is dreadful and they recently changed their policy to where I HAVE to pay my balance for the semester before I'm allowed to move back in in August. If I don't, they'll drop my schedule and won't let me stay in my dorms. The state doesn't give me financial aid typically until September. And I have yet to acquire a summer job (I'm still waiting to hear back from someone I've applied to). There's a decent chance I'll be getting a new job before long, but not having certain financial security is scary all the same, and the job I'll be hopefully getting pays minimum wage anyways so...
I just feel so trapped and lonely. Its not even necessarily a relationship that I want anyways. Even a close friend irl to talk to and confide in would be nice. I have some irl friends, but they all live far away now and none of us are super close. Not in the way where I could talk to them about anything. Its frustrating, and whenever I'm on social media I always wind up feeling terrible whenever I hear someone talk about their girlfriend or boyfriend and how happy they are together. It destroys my sense of self worth and I'm extremely scared that I'll wind up being alone my whole life.