I've been a relatively bubbly and positive person here on GAF, and I pride myself in trying to be a little small ray of sunshine for people. With that said, I'm a very broken person in reality. I have crippling depression and anxiety; and while I normally like to just meme and poke fun at my misfortunes... it's really starting to affect me. It's embarrassing to admit, it really fucking is. I don't like talking about my problems in fear of being seen weak and broken -- even though I am those things. I like cheering people up and making them feel better, but this whole time I've been ignoring myself. And me putting all my own issues on hold has finally caught up to me.
Yesterday I went into work; things were going okay. Then all of a sudden, I start breaking down -- in front of my co-workers. I get pulled to the side and am asked what's going on. I spill everything : my depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, literally EVERYTHING. They comfort me, but tell me it's not safe for me, or the residents (I work at a nursing home), to be working there in my current state. I've never felt so ashamed of myself in my life. I've always prided myself in helping people, but now I can't even do the thing I've always done best. I am barely functional, and am basically living moment by moment.
I set up an appointment with my therapist, but, holy shit. I haven't felt this low in a long time. I've certainly dealt with worse in my life (don't worry, I wont get into that), but this really fucking sucks. Right now my current distraction is, well, my friends and GAF. That's pretty much it. I'm lacking motivation for much else. So, yeah, if you guys have any ides for coping mechanisms that would be awesome.